Tag Archive | regret

Day 297: Moving beyond the two-year mark – Day 5: Test results are in, what’s next?

what's next

In this podcast I share the results from my recent hcg test.  This test being the base-line I use to gauge the effectiveness of the alternative treatment plans that I’ve been walking for 2 years for Breast Cancer.

I also share the role that Desteni I Process continues to have upon my overall success during this process with regards to being able to stop myself from fearing how my thoughts were generating emotional fear energy experiences,   as well as what my plans are moving forward.

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

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Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

IV vitamin C therapy: A cancer perspective

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Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

waiting

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“Waiting is implied self judgment and will cause inaction and regret.” Bernard Poolman

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

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My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 277: Death of a Pet – Part 2: Assistance and Support

For Context Read: Day 276: Death of a Pet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when Remmy died based upon how I’ve reacted in the past when I’ve lost an animal, and for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within a positive energy experience, which accumulates and contributes to the physical moment of shock, trauma and stress upon my physical body, and then when the nature of life as death comes, I’m not prepared,  because I didn’t understand the nature of our relationship in the first place, thus unable to in that moment direct myself effectively, free from reaction, shock, trauma and ultimately stress upon and within my physical body.

remmy my protector

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within and during short and/ or long term relationships – where if something happens to someone that I have a relationship with – whether they go missing, or leave,  or die – I experience not only ’emotional’ shock, trauma and stress, but also shock, trauma and stress to my ‘physical body’ – where my heart races and my breathing is fast, and then my entire physical body will become shaky and weak, so much so that within me I lose the ability to properly direct myself free from the energy of the emotion / fear, thus I attempt to manipulate myself and others by trying to hide my inner turmoil, and in doing so, I not only suppress myself but I fail to remain in awareness of myself, thus I miss seeing how it is actually my own thoughts, feelings and emotions that I’m reacting to thus why I’m unable to find stability to direct myself within the reality of who I am within whatever point I’m facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to Remmy according to a positive feeling energy, in how I felt comfort and safety whenever I was around him, and even in the way he would look at me, and I forgive myself for how the consequence of such definition will set the stage for fear of loss and sadness to accumulate and develop within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within a positive energetic experience based upon ideas that I’ve made up within my mind, – ideas that slowly over the years have accumulated to be more than what my actual physical world/reality relationship with Remmy was, therefore, I forgive myself for not seeing the reality and polarity that finding comfort in an illusion / idea within my mind and for the consequences that doing so creates within and as my physical body.

When and as I see myself as my mind having been triggered by an image of Remmy laying dead in the road – where then the positive energetic memories I have of Remmy are disconnected and the energy of sadness comes up, I Stop, I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that these are connections that are mostly energetically based on feelings and emotions because when the disconnect happens, sadness comes up in polarity as a negative energetic experience begins to develop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the death and dying of others to become my story for the taking, to use for self interest purposes where within my mind I seek to escape the fear of facing myself within the fear of loss to fuel my mind as the energy in order  to gain attention to / for myself as a weird way of trying to validate myself to myself for myself.

When and as I see myself going into this particular mind-set in polarity, I Stop, I Breathe, instead, I Commit myself to direct myself to disengage all participation in thoughts, emotions and/or feelings in relation to what is being triggered and to instead focus on asking myself the question: who am I in relation to this point and why am I suppressing myself within a false sense of hope because for me, when hope exists I can use it as a tool to see when I’m hiding in my own fear of death and / or loss of self.

I Commit myself to investigate the nature of who I am within my current relationships, to take any positive energy experience that I may have with another and to write down the words as well as how I will specifically support myself in changing those positive words into actual practical physical living expressions as myself.

I Commit myself to the relationship to the remembrance of Remmy, Fozzy and Charlie and all the pets that I’ve lost to be one of gratefulness in terms of what I learned from each of them.

Day 276: Death of a Pet

It was like any other morning, where I make my way past the back door, stopping to glance out the window with the hope of saying good morning to our outside dogs, But this morning, what I saw was our dog Remmy, laying dead in the middle of the road. At first sight I knew that the animal I was looking at was dead, because of the amount of damage done to it’s physical body. Immediately I became aware of how my mind searched for energy, a way to make the image I was seeing Not be Remmy.

Staring out the window at the body I became oddly aware of how within me, it was like I was spinning out of control and I knew I had to stop but yet, I didn’t want to. It was interesting to within such a moment, to implement the ‘looking system’, whereby becoming aware of what I was accepting and allowing as thought participation and then the emotions and feelings.

So in looking closer and investigating the point, I could see how I was becoming emotional and thus wanted to become the energy / surge of heat /the buzz of terror at the sight of my dog laying there in such a state…I took a deep breath and made the decision to not participate within and as the energy and directed myself to move, to put on my boots and walk to the road, to know for sure what I already knew… It Was Remmy, and he was dead.

He had probably been killed within the hour and it looked like he’d been sleeping in the road – which is something he often did regardless of the countless number of times my partner and I tried to keep him out of the road, and in our fenced back yard. It didn’t matter, Remmy was like an expert escape artist, and so finally we stopped trying to keep him fenced in. There were many, many times where he’d slept near or in the road, and always he would hear any cars or trucks coming and would move out of the way, but, not this time.

By the looks of his body, it was probably someone driving one of the several semi-trucks that have begun to daily speed carelessly up and down the old country road we live the other side of. So in the 7 years that we’ve lived here, the once quiet road has changed and is now particularly busy. This because the road has become a frequented passage way for a nearby fracking company who use it to haul supplies to and from.

I’ve watched how the speeding semi’s have caused some nervousness with all our animals and because of how fast they drive, I’ve feared for their safety. More than once I’ve called our county sheriff’s office and asked them to please come and moderate the speed of these guys driving for these major corporations, but I was told that the county doesn’t have the money thus no manpower to follow this problem through to a solution.

So in a way, Remmy, like most of us, fell victim to a system that unfortunately values profit over life. And as I look outside my backdoor window, I realize that I have to forgive myself for the blame, the rage, and the helplessness I want to be and become because I realize the cold hard truth, that life on earth is a very dangerous place. Less dangerous though, if one have enough money to buy their way around the danger, if only for a moment.

Looking at who I am in relation to Remmy’s death, the first thing that comes up is the memory of the day he was born which was not long after we moved to the country, which will be 7 years next month. So Remmy has been here supporting us through much of the beginning, the beginning of when my partner and I got serious about walking our process, our Journey to Life.

The fact is, I would need more than 2 hands to count the number of animals that we’ve had in the past 7 years that have died and are buried here on our land, but my relationship with Remmy has been the longest. So the length of time one puts into the relationship with all the memories, etc, that’s what determines the degree that one will grieve for and miss that someone or something, when they or it’s no longer here and I mean it’s a loss because it’s our ‘relationships’ that fuel our mind…

Another point to mention is how I noticed that when I saw Remmy’s body laying there in the road, lifeless and mangled,,, I felt offended for him. Like he deserved a better ending for the life that he lived. And, the thing is, as ‘sweet’ as that ‘feeling/thought‘ might appear, it’s deceptive because, it is in that thought participation that what happens is, I walk straight into playing the starring role as the victim. The human under consciousness direction, it’s like self interest gives way in that we’ll use the knowledge/the story of the death of another in absurd ways to bring attention to ourself.

This is how our mind as consciousness exists and directs us. Mostly because, I mean, we’re not doing so good at directing ourself, so then who we are as consciousness steps in… So we’ve got to be able to understand who we are as our mind so we can assist and support ourselves to be the directive principle within our world – instead of consciousness automating us, which is clearly what’s happening. What other explanation is there for why we accept and allow within our world things like poverty, war, money, power and greed?

the boys

It’s important for me to mention that Remmy is not the only dog that we’ve lost recently. Our big white Pyrenees: Fozzy, as well as: Charlie – a couple of months ago, they left on an adventure and never made it home – which is odd because not knowing for sure how or if they’re dead, kind of keeps death at bay, so to speak. Whereas Remmy’s death seemed to push the point for closure and forgiveness, so, here I am, facing who I am in relation to it.

In future blogs, I will continue with Self-Forgiveness

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Suggest the Following:

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself – DAY 491 – The Moment of Shock

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself (Part 2) – DAY 492 – The Moment of Shock

The Death of a Loved One and the Death of Me – DAY 493 – The Moment of Shock

Stop Your Thoughts, Change Yourself – Reptilians – Part 284

What Your Thoughts Depend on: Environment – Reptilians – Part 285

Animal Interviews & Support

Day 273: Moving out of my own way

Falling into self pity is a sticky situation, and one I’ve fallen into starting from a very young age. Anything can trigger self pity, but what’ll end up happening is that we’ll react to something someone does or says and we’ll allow ourself to participate in self judgment as thoughts / backchat and/or memories. Make no mistake about it, self-pity alters our ability to see the practicality/meaning/solution in any given moment/situation.

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

moving out of my own wayThe result or consequence of behaving in self pity is ultimately self sabotage, and more often than not, in the end, we won’t have been aware of how we came to feel like we feel because we won’t have realized what or how we got to feeling the way that we do, because we would have already lost ourself in the energy of the thing, self pity that is.

Self pity is a pattern within my mind that I sometime play out in my world, and it’s one that I’ve been investigating for awhile now. However recently, through my ‘reacting’ to something somebody said/wrote, I’ve been able to understand the point with greater clarity.

So, self pity is definitely a tricky SOB that’s for sure. So be aware, self pity can play out in various ways, but in the end it’ll cause us to want to blame others for how we’re experiencing ourself instead of realizing, we’ve just fallen prey to self pity through our own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over who I become and how I experience myself as the feeling bad / feeling sorry for myself energy that then activates the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a positive expression into and as the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the energy of self pity produces an energy of excitement as it moves throughout my entire physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the actual origin points that lead to the outflow consequence or activation of and as the self pity energy which is an intensity with which I speak self judgment within my mind that then creates a feeling bad experience which will escalate into and as self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and thus allow the energy of self pity to entrap me within and as my own mind where I then lose awareness of myself and react in a way where I use excuses, reasons and justifications within my mind to hold onto and immerse myself into and as the emotion of self pity.

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to the energy of self pity, I Stop, I breathe. I direct myself to Not participate because I see, realize, and understand that the relationship I have with/as the energy of self pity is having a direct effect upon the relationships that I have within my world/reality.

When and as I see myself looking at my past and seeing myself as a failure I stop. I Breathe. I see realize and understand that in doing so I am participating in an intense self judgment in believing myself as being a disappointment, and how it is in these moments, that I allow self pity to creep in, thus instead, I Commit myself to see the moment as a gift, an opportunity to investigate, forgive and strengthen myself.

When and as I see myself within a moment of self judgment I stop, I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how important it is to understand the nature of self judgment in that if I participate in and as it, I’m giving way for that ‘feeling bad about myself emotion‘, which activates self pity and then, the whole process itself weakens and disempowers my ability to remain aware of myself because at that point, I’m already seesawing within and as my mind as the thing which then takes over my entire physical body. Therefore I commit myself to not accept and allow the domino effect to fall from/as the self judgment, to the feeling bad emotion, into the self pity where I then get stuck in a pit that can cause depression as well as self abdication.

I commit myself to stop attacking myself with and through self judgments.

I commit myself to Stop judging myself because I see, realize and understand that self judgment is a method the mind uses to ensure self sabotage.

I commit myself to identify the cause, source and origin of when self judgment come up to thus stop reactions and/or attacks on myself and/or others.

I commit myself to examine what I know deep within me in that I am no longer willing to accept, allow, nor believe the judgments that I’ve carried around like baggage from my past/mind, to instead redefine who I am as self pity and change my relationship to/as it through changing myself in the actual moment that self judgment begins, as well as going back into my past, in the memories, to see where I’ve given in to self pity so as to correct and redefine myself in/as the memory itself.

I commit myself to redefine who I am and my relationship to self pity by looking at the moment /my past to a memory of/or when self judgment came, to have a look at who am I in the moment as I forgive the self judgment thereby changing my relationship to the memory/moment into and as a solution by making a Stand to Not allow myself to give in to my mind as consciousness, backchat and/or the energy of self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the accepted and allowed indulgence into and as self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the positive connotation to self pity.

I commit myself to when self judgment tries to come up, to instead speak self-forgiveness as a gift to myself, using self pity as a way to move myself from consciousness to self awareness and strengthen my stand in relationship to my mind.

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“Fear of self’s truth = self judgment = self pity: Which form a wound within self, wanting it to be healed by another as to so deem ourselves as not being ‘so bad’ and ‘terrible’ for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. But doing this – is not taking self responsibility and there’s no-one able to judge us, but ourselves.

I understand now that there’s no-one able to judge me, but myself and that I really actually create what I experience within me – and therefore I, I alone, must STOP.”  ~ The Truth Hurts: Part Three by Benazir Bhutto

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Day 251: Forgiving Self Betrayal

Today my partner drove and he and I went off doing a bit of travelling through the backwoods of pawnee and creek county. So we were going along this stretch of road and I began to notice how the road was triggering a memory I have of myself from long ago, and then, an uneasiness began deep within my gut/stomach. I also noticed my breathing was becoming slightly labored and my heartbeat slightly increased and my energy/stamina level began to drop – kind of like the way a person will experience themselves when their sugar level drops.

the suffering of othersSo, just as we were about to come to the place where we would turn off the winding road we were travelling on, I began to experience a pull from within the center of my chest area… A dull pain began in my upper back and chest area and I felt as if I was being sucked into some sort of vortex within my mind and it was then that I chose to let go of the past memory/energy that was begging my participation and it was then that I realized, ‘damn, this is what betrayal feels like, insignificance, fear, and self betrayal’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand that betrayal is that of blame, and how within my experience of inSIGNificance, there were SIGNS for me to see – how when I felt betrayed by something or someone, it was because I conditionally placed my faith and my trust and ultimately my responsibility for me, for my life – I placed it in the hands of another – I gave my life over to another separate form me – giving responsibility for myself to another, instead of taking responsibility for my own life and my own life experiences – then when my life hasn’t worked out the way I wanted it to, I felt betrayed by them, when the fact is, I handed over my life to them, I gave them responsibility of me and ultimately, I became angry.

Therefore, I forgive myself for the anger of betraying myself – for not taking self responsibility for my life and for how I experienced myself, and for suppressing that which I was really experiencing, blaming the experience and my situation on others, on the world, on society as a whole, yet all along presenting to the world that I’m fine, that I’m strong – betraying/deceiving myself and those within my world – blaming others for my own betrayal and deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so engulfed in the fear of taking responsibility that I accepted and allowed my physical body to become petrified, frozen in/as self betrayal and self denial.

Redefining Self Betrayal:

When and as I see myself giving myself over to another and suppressing myself within a point of insignificance which leads to self denial and self betrayal, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern within and as my mind – that I Am Willing myself to Stop, to re-design myself, to take Self-responsibility for myself and the World as myself.

I commit myself to let go of the idea’s that I’ve existed as within and as my past relationships to who I am within and as self betrayal.

I commit myself to Stop self denial.

I commit myself to take Self-Responsibility for myself and Stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

I commit myself to changing who I am as my mind/physical body within and as this physical reality/existence as one who is Not a betrayer of self, but is instead Standing within and as the Directive Principal of what I see, realize and understand as the utmost importance, to assist in bringing forth a World where All Life is given to Equally within the Principle of What’s Best for All.

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 205: I’m too old for this!

More than once when I was younger and my children were small my babysitter would cancel and I would have to take them over to my mother’s house so I could go to work. When I would arrive later to pick them up it was common for her to tell me: ‘I’m too old for this’!

I mean I heard her say that so many times, and every time she must have felt guilty for saying it because she would always add a reminder to me of how much she ‘loved’ her grandchildren, but that they were just about to much for her to handle, what with her already daily duties of keeping the house clean and cooking supper for her and dad.

Back then I never looked at her words as being part of a program, a constructed pattern within and as who she was as her mind. Instead I judged her for saying so and I remember experiencing myself within a sort of euphoric state of denial. Because within my programming, within my own mind of delusion, I was sure that I would never come to feel like and thus live as the words: ‘I’m too old for this’!

Little did I know or comprehend how in that moment of my participation in thinking that I would never come to feel like that, that I already was it. Already accepting and allowing myself to become the same preprogrammed design of and as my mind. And, here, years later and today I heard the inner proof of my self accepted programming when within my mind I heard myself say: ‘I’m too old for this’!

too old for this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a self-righteous moral attitude of superiority manipulating myself with excuses to not move myself, but to remain the same, stuck in my own fear hiding within a beLIEf system of self immortality and self-interest where I continue to argue for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on an imaginary picture of myself within my mind where I physically remain looking the same within the idea of myself as being ‘pretty as a picture’, and completely unaware of my physical behavioral movements and the reactions within myself as my mind participation and the damaging effects I am manifesting unto my physical body and physical world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the inner me is that which manifests the outer me as this world within which we experience ourself, thus, when I participate in back chat and/or an internal conversation of: ‘I’m too old for this’, that what I am really doing is reacting within and as an enery of anger, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I am experiencing myself is unique and that I am alone having to give up something special of myself and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that the inner conflict that exists within me is the inner conflict that exist within all other beings as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others within my world within a feeling of ‘importance’ where within that I don’t realize that such a reaction is actually towards a projection of an image/picture that exists within my mind reaching for greatness – thus, is Not in fact a real expression of me as who I am in/as my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest pain within and as me as my physical body within and as the back chat of: ‘I’m too old for this’ where I become physically stiff with my chest protruding out standing with a force that does nothing but enforce an energy of resistance, of self-sabotage and denial of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequence of defining who I am within the back chat of ‘I’m too old for this’ is that in doing so I’m walking my process for an individual want, need and desire and not really changing myself, only seeking to fulfill my own self-fulfilling prophecy therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within something that has become very automatic and convenient to keep myself deliberately in a state of self-controlled manipulation.

I commit myself to STOP this pattern of self-controlled manipulation because I know what to do to start changing, to start expanding and letting go of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become and what the consequences are of doing so within myself and thus what I am accepting and allowing to continue as abuse within existence.

I commit myself to slow myself down and walk the self-corrective application of becoming clear in my communication as my words, my vocalization and my physical body movement to/towards others.

I commit myself to further investigating what wants and desires I’m still holding onto and excusing because of self-interest as that which I’ve continued to drag alongside of myself as I’m walking this Journey to Life so as to assist myself to be able to Stand and Direct myself according to what’s best for all.