Tag Archive | ADC

Day 279: When you say nothing at all

Wanting to blame my partner for how I experience myself is unacceptable, but I want to nonetheless. The thoughts in my head tell the story of how “he” doesn’t have anything to say to me that hasn’t been said a hundred times before. And the thought that comes forth from there is ‘that’s what happens when you’ve been with someone for 22 years’.  As I continue to investigate I realize there’s really something else going on…

When I participate in specific thoughts, an energy arises from within me that begins in the pit of my stomach and ever so slowly moves upward toward my head region. For a moment there is a slight energetic excitement and I realize how within my mind, I want to say something to my partner. I want to tell him how to be and how he should act toward me. I want him to validate me so I can stop ‘feeling bad’ about myself and I mean, how strange is it really to desire such attention and control over another person…

As I stop and breathe,  I realize I’ve been here before.  The experience of self pity is a negative emotion and as I investigate deeper I see how I feel physically and mentally tired – which makes sense considering how when I participate in certain thoughts like, ‘why doesn’t he say something’, how that stimulates and or triggers the emotion of self pity which in itself seeks to reach for some kind of self validation.

why do i feel so badThe thing is, self pity keeps me stuck in a pit within myself. It’s like a pit stop within where I hold myself within a sort of a gut wrenching fear. The fear to look on, to investigate who I am, to continue to READ the story, My Story. To see who I am within what I’m accepting and allowing within my fear to face All of me. As I continue to investigate I am able to see where and when I began to ‘feel bad‘…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for being the reason for me having a negative experience of myself when what’s going on within me actually has nothing at all to do with how my partner is or isn’t behaving.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s not always the emotion of self pity that is the source point but actually the outflow consequence of the actual source point which is the ‘feeling bad’ emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a relationship with myself wherein I attack myself within my mind within self judgment statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to self judgment as the thought comes up about myself of, ‘I’m not living up to my full potential‘, and for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘feeling bad’ emotion through participating in thoughts of self judgment which activates the’ self pity emotion’ and for what follows, which is ‘when’ I begin to seek validation, attention and / or recognition from someone and /or something outside myself such as in this instance, where I began to project frustration and anger to / towards my partner.

When and as I see myself having thoughts that are self judging, I stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to see this as a red flag for me to know it’s time to direct myself, to in self honesty investigate what it is that’s coming up within me that’s creating the ‘energy of feeling bad’ which is actually using my own mind against myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I manipulate myself through self judgment and self pity, what I’m doing is reacting to my own mind, where I use whatever thoughts necessary to distract myself, even if it means blaming others, just so long as I don’t have to face who I am as the story and the characters/personalities that I have lived my entire life as.

I commit myself to stop abdicating myself as Life through self judgment, manipulation, blame and self pity.

I commit myself to remain aware of and so Stop abusing myself deliberately through self judgment, which activates feeling bad emotions and me feeling sorry for myself, which leads to the self pity energy.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how to stop and change my relationship to self pity through stopping my participation in the ‘feeling bad’ reaction moment within myself.

I commit myself to utilize my memories as reference points to find when and where and why and towards who or what is it that the ‘feeling bad’ energy keeps activating from and ultimately producing the self pity energy.

I commit myself to let go of the energy of feeling bad and self pity.

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“I suggest, if you can Find it in you – you’re going to have to Look Very Deep to Find this: That you DO STOP, and Start your Process. It is Inevitable. You’re not going to get Away. There is No place to Hide. Every Single Energy, Every Single Thought, Every Single Thing you have EVER, in ANY WAY Conceived – leave a ‘Mark’, in your Book of Life. Make sure – it’s Worth Reading. Because, if it’s Not: There’s going to be a Consequence, and you can’t just ‘Wipe it Out’. You can Only take Responsibility for it through Self-Forgiveness, and from that perspective ‘Delete it’, in as much as, it will No Longer be the ‘You’ that will Create the Future – but, it will be the ‘You’ in the Past. And therefore you will Live in the ‘Present’, in every Moment – Living, Presenting, Being part of That which is Best for All, Always, which is what “Present” encompass, the HERE.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 270: How to Stop being at odds with myself

You know that moment when you’re driving somewhere unfamiliar, and you’re looking and driving and looking for the correct street, then suddenly you convince yourself you’re going in the wrong direction so you turn around, then, you find out later that you turned right before you would have gotten to the place you were looking for? That’s how I would describe what it felt like within myself when I referred to myself as being ‘at odds with myself’. It’s like my wants were in conflict with my needs, and it’s a point that opened up as a memory was triggered of a very emotional and very dark time in my life.

sly

So as I’ve investigated the point further, I realized my inner war has been in my relationship between life  and death and/or right and wrong and in relationship to any and ALL  positive and negative energetic experiences.

Seeking energy is a problem that keeps me going within my fear of death – which has always been creeping forth from within me – even when I didn’t realize that the very world/money system that I live in, and that I have supported, is in fact deciding my choices for me through my fear of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions according to emotions and feelings and/or the negative vs the positive where through and as negative energetic reactions of/as hope, faith and fear of survival, I sought my desires and accepted and allowed a positive energy/ego experience, paying no attention to the consequences that doing so created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how having to depend upon another for my survival not only compounds and manifests more fear, it also supports internal conflict, which unfortunately determines how I will function and respond to others within and as my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing the fears that exist within me and instead allowed myself to be lead down the same path of self destruction over and over within a vicious cycle of self defeating behaviours within the mind-set of right vs wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle with internal conflict, where I secretly disagree or quarrel with myself and then deliberately focus my blame on the externalities of my world as being the reason for why things keep going wrong in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up my mind through assumption, which is self deception, and for how I put myself in a position where I’m lying just to save face and / or to deliberately harm or deceive/manipulate others to think thoughts that I know will have consequences – where a person cannot self realize, and/ or to say or act in revenge and/or jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase a dream that I created in my mind through advertisements and television that fuel a desired experience of ego, where in self interest I seek to fulfill my own wants, needs and desires which ultimately keeps me enslaved and trapped within and as them chasing energy as imagined dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I carry some dark energy / memory of myself within my mind that governs/directs me according to my past experiences, and determines my future whether through deliberate choice or self automation.

When and as I see myself experiencing myself within a negative energetic experience that presents itself within emotions of faith, hope and fear, I stop.  I Breathe.  I Direct myself to investigate the motive behind the desire to replace the negative with a positive and to see, realize and understand that self trust and self change come when one stop one’s ego-mind-energy.

I commit myself to stop running from myself and Face who I am as a negative energetic experience so to forgive myself for chasing the dream of ‘if only’.

I commit myself to not make up my mind through assumption and to instead have responsibility towards myself and others as myself according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to getting to know who I really am and to see, realize and understand that dreams and desires cannot be sustained as they exist of energy which inevitably come to an end – where I’m left with nothing – as the nothing the dreams and desires consisted of and existed as, because they exist of/as energy and aren’t real to begin with.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to change the definition of Life and Death to one that is supportive of All Life – from the beginning of one’s Life until death according to what’s best for all.

For Further Clarity, Please download:  Life Angel and Death Devil – Life Review

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“We are in a Society where our Community is Designed by Our Communication, being mostly TOLD WHAT we should ACCEPT as Real and What Not.

Communication like Television, Movies, Magazines, Newspapers and fraudulently conjured up Academic Textbooks to make the Lecturers some Money (See the College Conspiracy Documentary) – All in the Name of the Ultimate Communication, which is “Happiness Consumption”.

The Communication BEHIND All this, is that you’ll be Unhappy, if you do not do your Best to be a Success in Society and make Lots of MONEY to “Live the Dream”, being communicated, nowadays, through Visual and Sound – combined Visions that Tell you what Dream you should Aspire to.” Bernard Poolman

Day 164: After Death Communication – Part 13

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Investigate Living Income Guaranteed

Day 166: It’s Not You – It’s Me

I have memories of me as a child where in my mind I would imagine what it would feel like to be special in the eyes of my parents. The imagination game within my mind required that I become certain characters dependent upon how I wanted to experience myself. Within that, I mentally dragged my sister along and ultimately blamed her when things didn’t go my way. And actually, I’ve done this with everyone I’ve ever had a relationship with, therefore, I will begin with the following self-forgiveness as I investigate myself further in realizing – that everything and anything that bothered me about my sister and/or anyone or anything that bothers me for that matter – I can be sure that the same exists within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and lonely so much that all I lived for was that moment when I experienced a positive energetic charge within myself that gave me a feeling of well being and I didn’t care what lie I had to tell or who got hurt in the process of me getting high on that feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my mind on an idea and according to that idea shut myself off to everyone within my world where I won’t actually hear or see how another being is actually experiencing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for how and what I can do, get and have to make the experience of myself a positive and happy one and within that never considered how and who will have to experience themselves in a negative way under horrible circumstances in order to fulfill my self-serving tendencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the evil that exists within me when I judge what I perceive as someone being a ‘failure’ and how I will take from their negative energy experience a false sense of self where I see myself as being better than and thus believing myself within a positive energy experience so that I can reach that feeling good about myself place,  not realizing that in order to have happy there must be sad – the same applies in that,  in order for there to be the rich, there must be the poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the failure of others as an opportunity to get attention and a way of making myself believe that i look better through the eyes of others as a result of someone else’s failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I am enjoying myself because of how I have harbored judgment and resentment toward people who I see are enjoying themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy myself because I fear that others will judge me because within my mind I have secretly judged them.

to be continued

Important Blogs to Read Daily:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Check out the New Desteni I Process Lite – – It’s Free!

Day 165: On the take

The point I’m seeing within myself and am applying self-forgiveness for is manipulation and the extent that I have seen that I will go in how I have manipulated myself and others in my attempt at surviving within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘on the take’, where I’ve lived my life always seeking to take from what is here yet never willing to give unconditionally to all that which I believed I had the right to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bombard myself with secret fears of giving in to the desires of my mind thus ‘taking from’ that which gives me life as who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am on the take I am willing to use, abuse and manipulate to get what I want when I want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I will tell you what you want to hear to try and make you trust me and then I will swoop in and thank you for giving me that which you swore you would never let go of because that’s how evil lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I have one goal in mind and that is that I am always looking for ways to make money and I won’t care who has to go without in order for me to reach my goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I am on the take I am accepting and allowing myself to be used up within a world/money system that plays us against each other and yet we don’t realizes the odds are always in favor of the world/money system as the win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my life always feeling like I had to look out for me and if that meant that I had to take from others then so be it, and within that not realizing that I was never actually living because I was constantly paying for the service of being able to live.

When and as I see myself thinking about ways to take from others instead of giving – I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is vital that I direct me as my mind instead of my mind directing me. Thus, I commit myself to stop existing in self-interest and greed and stop manipulating others and to instead ground myself here standing in support of a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to facing who I am as the role that I play within our current world/money system.

I commit myself to slow myself down and stop allowing myself to rush through my life as I see, realize and understand that in my rushing I have been abusing myself and others as myself.

I commit myself to not give up on myself as I continue walking this process because I see, realize and understand how I have been manipulating myself in how I’ve been participating in thoughts of fear and frustration according to some recent pain and changes within and as my physical body.

Day 162: Blast from the Past

Today I received a phone call from a friend from my past that I haven’t spoken to in just over 5 years. The first thing I noticed when we started talking was an awkward silence and the realization that the connection we used to have between us, was simply not there.

However, our mind uses memory to compensate for those moments of awkwardness and it wasn’t long before the manipulation tactics began and I became aware of the familiarity in how our minds were seeking to rekindle those old feelings we once believed were so special between us. In a flash of a moment I was reminded of the direction that I had once chosen as I accepted and allowed my mind to guide me in the direction that would best benefit the self-interest of us both. I sat there looking within myself and realized that here was a peculiar moment I was fortunate to be witness to.

In one sense, the future as my past with the friend and me appeared the same as it had always been and yet, the fact of the matter was, something was entirely different, changed. It was then that I breathed in the relief that it was me who had moved from that particular space and time and was walking in a completely different direction.

I was surely grateful for the moment.  And, I am grateful for the Life Skills I’ve learned and applied through Desteni I Process, because that is how I’ve been able to assist myself to decide who I am within this moment, and for the clarity of my choice in the direction I am walking – to not settle for anything less than the decision I stand by and as, to walk my life according to what’s best for all.

LOL,, was interesting, how the phone call just sort of ended, with barely even a good bye.

Above Artwork by Lindsay Craver

Day 156: I Made my Mind up a Long Time Ago

Yesterday I had to go to the Doctor for assistance for the extreme pain I’ve been experiencing in my upper back. I didn’t want to go, but I knew that I had to utilize what is available as a bridge to assist me as my physical body.

After examining me the Doctor began to explain to me about the medicine he was going to prescribe for me, as well as the ‘long term plan’ which may involve physical therapy.

I quickly saw how I became defensive and energy swirled around me like a protective force field. I began to explain to him that if I have to take pain pills that I prefer they be ones that I know I can physically tolerate, and I went on to say: “it just makes more sense, no offense of course.”

LOL, Well, he didn’t take kindly to what I said and I began to see how his eyes – which were looking directly at me – how they began to shift from side to side, first to the left then to the right and then back to the left and then back to the right again, shifting, shifting. My questioning his decision got him to thinking and the proof that that wasn’t a good thing was as clear as the frozen frown on his face that he couldn’t seem to shake.

I knew that I didn’t really want to have to take medicine, but I also knew that at the moment, I required some relief and the medicine is only a temporary solution. I had the thought: “I know what’s best for my physical body”!   However, I didn’t say that out loud because it was obvious he was still processing my previous words.


It was in that moment that I realized something and I decided at that point to shut the hell up, breathe and ask him to tell me more about the medicine he wanted to prescribe for me.

What I realized was, before I ever walked into his office, I had prepared myself  to instigate my own plan of action according to what and how I had previously made my mind up long before I arrived for my appointment – before he’d even had a chance to examine me.

See. I have never liked the fact that a Doctor, or anyone for that matter, have the authority and a “so-called-right”, according to the rules of the Matrix, to determine the best treatment plan for me – to take away my responsibility for me as my physical body.

I mean, it’s my physical body even though I’ve not actually been very responsible for and as it.   Seriously though,  there is NO Free Will and we have very little to do with the decision making processes within our world.   Free Will…   What a Joke…

Moving on… I realized that I reacted rather catty towards him and that I could have and should have directed myself in a stable manner, and I shared that with him. He immediately looked me in the eyes again and repeated his suggestions for my treatment.

The whole experience assisted me to realize how important it is that I redefine who I am within the meaning of  the words: “I Made my Mind up a Long Time Ago”.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defensive where I experience myself in and as energy swirling around myself like a protective force field within a memory of my past, thus, I stop. I breathe. I see, realize and understand that who I was 5 years ago is no longer who I am today and as I continue to walk the Journey to Life, I have proven to myself how self can and will change through writing, applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, thus, I commit myself to show how energy experience is the result of accepting myself to be directed of and as my ego as I’ve existed in my past, thus, I see, realize and understand how energy is ego as my past which has to end at death as it is our mind as consciousness, therefore,  I commit myself to direct myself as my mind to stop energetic ego experiences and to walk according to what’s best for all – to thus then prove that the past is over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character of and as my mind where I exist in a make belief story within my mind made up about who and how I’m going to behave and experience myself within a given moment long before the moment is actually here and where within my secret mind, I participate in and as judgment and expectations that someone (in this case my Doctor) will also participate along with me in my make belief story, and when they don’t, I unleash a strong reaction of dislike onto them, which is actually an outflow of a reaction that I suppress deep within me with regards to our current world/money system, yet my suppression is indirectly imposed upon and implying that they ( in this case my Doctor), are the cause/source for/of my reaction of/as dislike and frustration to/toward what I realize is a cruel, corrupt and unjust world/money system.

I commit myself to stop existing as a character where I make up within my mind who I will be and what I’m going to say within a given moment before the actual moment is even here.

When and as I see myself talking to myself inside my head pre-planning what to say and or do with regards to an upcoming appointment, I stop. I breathe. I realize that in doing so I am actually reacting to my own reactions in fear of what may or may not happen thus, I commit myself to slow myself down and remain aware of who I am within this moment of breath.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project anger onto others according to a reaction from within myself which is actually to/toward our current world/money system, and where I will take that a step further insofar as to preplan for myself a ‘line of defense’ so that I’ll ‘know my lines’ and know just how to act so when the moment arrives, all I have to do is be the stand-in, on autopilot, and become who I’ve already constructed myself to be within my mind, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry if my made up mind script is not welcomed by and played out by/as someone that I perceived will play the supporting role in my illusion in order to help me bring to life my perception of happiness within a world full of pain turned into a make belief story that I Made up within my Mind a Long Time Ago.

I commit myself to stop projecting anger onto others according to a reaction within myself  where I am misdirecting my frustration of our money system onto my present moment and to instead breathe and remain aware of who I am within this moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I make my mind up about someone and/or something according to a past experience of myself in a memory where I lost control of myself and then suppressed the experience as a memory which I believed I had to hide in order to protect my self shame, thus I devised a script for myself as a protection mechanism – like putting up an energetic wall all around me – where I can hide and keep to myself the make belief story within my mind where I deceive myself into believing that I’m coming out aHEAD within what is nothing but an illusion of control thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as that which I made up within my mind about myself a long time ago in and as fear in an attempt to avoid facing all of me and my responsibility to all that is here.

I commit myself to stop making my mind up about people, places and things as a way of setting myself up to be and become automated within my world as a way of avoiding facing who I am within what and how our world exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am as my past rules who I will always be, thus, I justify my deceptive behavior in an attempt to set myself up to experience energetic outflows where the results of who I am  remain the same with no change because I made up my mind about myself a long time ago when and as I believed the make belief story within my mind as consciousness that I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t be worthy of and as life itself.

I stop. I Breathe.

to be continued

Day 154: The Hand of God is made of Money



“Sometimes the very things that we fight against are actually the hand of God trying to push us into a new season.” Joel Osteen

With regards to the above quote by Joel Osteen.  Have a look at how he avoids the facts when he refers to ‘the very things we fight against’ within our world, yet, see how he manipulates a rise in our feelings through using the words ‘fight against’, then as always, using the hand he’s been given that he claims is from God – which is made of/from money – he stops short, and offers no solution for all  that is tangible for assisting our world.

Maybe, Mr. Osteen actually believes what he’s selling, yet, what he’s selling offers no support for the tremendous amount of suffering, poverty, war and starvation which is happening within every corner of our world. In fact, he’s known for saying how he likes to focus on the positive within our world, and thus, chooses not to mention the poor and suffering.  Maybe he’s taking advantage of our willingness to accept him as having some sort of special powers because after all, his net worth is an estimated $40 million.

So, when he writes a quote that implies there is a God somewhere fighting our battles for us – maybe he wants to be sure that we’ll continue to support the plight of the rich and famous, or, maybe he really does believe that he’s special and that there really is a God somewhere willing to bless his need for greed while millions suffer in poverty and starve to death.

However,the fact remains, WE support him.  He earns his Money from US.   NOT a God.

The only season upon us in the one where the rich are seizing the opportunity to sell hope to the slaves (us), and thus far, we’ve been willing to buy it.  I choose to stop…

Please don’t misunderstand. I am not placing blame on Mr. Osteen.  The Fact is, We’re All responsible for how our current world/money system exists.

It’s time to realize that the battle going on here on earth,  is between the haves and the have-nots.

Throughout our entire history, nothing has ever changed. It’s the same story over and over, where only the picture and the players change, and, it’s Always, Always, about making and having the most MONEY/Power.

No God will ever come save us, because what is real is what is here which is US.

Thus, we’re going to have to save ourselves. No one can do that for us.

Investigate how: Equal Money

“I Forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how what I accept and allow here in the small, in my own life – I will accept and allow in my relationship to humanity/this world. Where, whenever I face a point of responsibility, like for example each of us human beings, individually standing within self-responsibility to ourselves and to all, we instead each individually abdicate that practical reality responsibility of sorting out THIS REAL WORLD, creating a NEGATIVE towards it within ourselves in all of our opinions, judgments, fears, insecurities, knowledge and information and INSTEAD create a POSITIVE in our Minds through/within Religions/Spiritualities/Movements/Entertainment etc. – following only the GOOD FEELINGS in our own self-interest, when: How would this World change if we stop, individually, looking at everything as a Negative in our Minds, but PRACTICALLY approach the problems/consequences in this world and come up with PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS that would be best for all, in equality and oneness, Here. But, interestingly enough, we are so caught up in the spinning webs of our Minds in ENERGY that human beings, individually, would fight/defend/protect their POSITIVE FEELINGS and regard this more than All Life on Earth. That they cannot see beyond the POSITIVE ENERGY, how Life on Earth would change for ALL within, for example the proposed Equal Money System. But, it’s fascinating here, that: individuals cannot have the ‘Positive Feelings/Energies’ in the Mind, if the Negative/Bad in their lives/this world do not exist as it does, cause for the Positive to Exist, the Negative must exist. And so, we as human beings will keep this world/humanity the way it is, just to have/maintain/possess the Positive-Energy Experiences we have defined ourselves as in the MIND…” Sunette Spies – Heaven’s Journey to Life

Day 153: Fear Me Not

I’m facing some changes in my life and within them have become very aware of how it’s in the smallest details that I face my biggest fear in asking myself, am I willing, and can I stop my fear of change, to thus change myself from the inside out, where the result is me standing for eternity, in support of and for a World according to what’s best for All.  Thus, beginning here with the following self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear change I am in fact in fear of me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outta control at the idea of a sudden change in my life such as the death of a family member or having to move from where I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have utilized the words ‘out of control’ as a definition of self that keeps me stuck within a place of suppression within myself where I have believed that I’m not strong enough to make it if my life were to suddenly dramatically change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate change with losing something and or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change, where I stop the characters and personalities that I’ve become aware of in who and how I play out the desires of my mind, that I will upset and/or lose those closest to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of change to stop me from taking any action at all which would result in me establishing self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate change as something that will cause me mental discomfort and/or physical pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see change as a point of discontent within an image in my mind where I experience a sense of losing my possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the same routine day after day where within my mind the daily routine locks me into continuing the perception of me as my mind as being in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell stories to myself within my mind in order to make myself continue existing in the belief that I fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with my children as a fear reaction when I see that they are about to enforce a change within their lives that I see will affect mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created a protection and defense mechanism within my mind against change in that when change comes up within my mind, I see how I relate who I am toward people and my environment within a definition of myself that appears to be a safe place of knowing who I am, yet is in fact not so because within me as my mind I exist in reference to and relate myself to that someone and/or my environment remaining the same in order for me to know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if who I am is dependent upon another person and/or my environment to stay a certain way for me to know who I am, then who I have believed myself to be is not and has never been real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to fear change is to fear embracing who I am as life within and as my physical body and my physical reality, outside of and free from the direction of and as my mind.

When and as I see myself begin to fear what I see is going to result in a change within my world, I stop, I breathe.  Instead I direct myself to see, realize and understand that when change in self is required where self-honesty is applied within a principle according to what’s best for all, there is nothing to fear thus, I commit myself to stop going into an automated state of fear and to realize that life is in awareness of self as breath in every moment.

I commit myself to walk in and as the redefinition of self as the words ‘out of control’, where  I direct myself to be in control in determining who I am in self-honesty,  wherein I am stopping who I’ve been as my mind as consciousness because I see, realize and understand that it is I who decides who I am in control of me as my physical body as one who is strong and consistent in bringing forth a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to show that who I am within and as change is to have a clear awareness of myself and my world in being able to assess in common sense what is best for all within any given moment and as such to realize the importance of supporting an Equal Money system as a means of supporting all life according to what’s best for all.

 

Day 152: Erasing the Lies

This is a continuation to:
Day 151: Control Freak

I commit myself to expose myself to who I am within my fears where I try and control others to avoid the fear of facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed as I attempt to control the consequences of my past behaviors by controlling others.

I commit myself to erase the lies of who I’ve been as a control freak where in fear I try and control others as a defense mechanism to not look within to stop what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become and to through writing and self-forgiveness see my way to/as self-honesty.

When and as I am having a conversation and sharing myself with another and I see that I am beginning to want to say something to them within the desire to try and control them, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that directing myself and others as myself in self-honesty, does not involve energetic movement or the want, need and/or desire to convince someone of something therefore, I commit myself to breathe and remain the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I commit myself to stop reacting towards others within a ‘shut the fuck up’ attitude where within myself I become spiteful and thus project that onto others, thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe.

I commit myself to remain aware of my voice tonality because I see, realize and understand that when I’m seeking to control another, the tone in which I speak becomes higher or lower depending on whether I’m using a positive or negative approach to control.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for how I am walking my process because I see, realize and understand that I have been a control freak toward myself and thus have suppressed myself in my writings and self-forgiveness, thus I commit myself to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as my mind to attempt to control and suppress who I am and I commit myself to push through the resistance of/as control and to allow myself to let go and accept myself to be and express myself through to/as self-honesty.

I commit myself to breathe and stand within an understanding of the nature of who I am as a control freak and to no longer accept and allow myself to express myself in such a manner to/towards others because I see, realize and understand that seeking to control others is an outflow of fear and that when I act like a control freak I am giving permission for fear to manifest itself as who I become as it, thus, I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be and become fear.

I commit myself to stop being a control freak wherein I try and control how other people act and think because I see, realize and understand that I must first walk the necessary changes of self in self-honesty in changing me from the inside out before I am able to be of any real assistance to/for anyone else.

I commit myself to stop living my life attempting to control others through trying to please/manipulate them in one way or another, and to instead realize that life is not about pleasing/manipulating others, it’s about supporting all life according to what’s best for all through and with the support of an Equal Money System.

Day 151: Control Freak


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I allow myself to become a certain character within my world such as a control freak, then I will experience the same, for example; control within my world, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character of and as my mind who is a control freak, where as that I exist within a belief that I have the ability to control others even though at the same time within my mind I feel a loss of control, thus, I will act on the need to fill my perception of loss of control through my attempt to control others instead of questioning and investigating what is it within myself that causes me to react on the outside in relation to what’s going-on on the inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unknowingly use fear as the reason for my need to control others through relationships because within my mind I fear losing control and I fear the feeling that comes up as inadequacy when I perceive myself as having a negative experience, thus, I seek to control others as a way of keeping a positive energetic experience of myself going on where I see myself as being important and/or the most responsible one within the relationship and within that I forgive myself for playing make belief within my mind as being and having authority and control over others as a way of avoiding facing who I am as a fear reaction feeling of being ‘out of control’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control everything and everyone within my world even though within my secret mind I constantly fear that I am making one mistake after another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how as a control freak within my secret mind I quietly want others to fear me even though I am more afraid of others than they could ever be of me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become preoccupied with the details of others to the point that I will attempt to dominate them with my opinions at the expense of flexibility, openness and/or common sense mostly because at that point I’ve become obsessed and only interested in having things done my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate a place for myself within my mind where I become unwavering in my approach towards others because I see myself as being more superior than another being because I believe that I need attention and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the application of unforgiving towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to the words: ‘out of control’ wherein my mind I see ‘out of control’ as a dark scary place which I run from yet when I slow myself down and breath I see that there is only me as my past in fear of letting go..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within fear there is always the starting point of self-interest where I want, need and/or desire something and/or someone from outside myself to validate me thus protect me from the secrets I hold within my mind which I use against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in and as fear turn life into an act of labored living wherein I take from others within the same context as when withdrawing money from my bank account and within that I forgive myself that I have exchanged the life force of my physical body for energy through how I create debt as a consequence of my expectations within my constant need to maintain a perception of routine and control within and as my mind.

to be continued