Tag Archive | emotional experiences

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

When I was growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to see my biological father every day and so as a kid, I barely knew him. Mostly I knew him as this person who I ‘thought’ about alot in my head. I wanted to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that I heard my friends speak of and when that didn’t happen, I made up scenario’s in my head about what that might look and feel like. Growing up I spent one week out of every year with him and for the longest time I felt robbed of something and eventually, I blamed him and became very angry and resentful at him for not living up to how and what I ‘thought’ a dad should behave and act like.

So for most of my life the relationship that I had with my biological father was one that I had made up within and as my mind. Eventually, after one failed marriage and the impending collapse of my second one, I took a trip to see my father and for the first time I was able to share with him how I had thought and felt about him throughout my life.
worth giving for
An interesting thing that came to be in that moment – of what must have seemed to him like brutal self honesty being thrown at him from every direction – was that I for the first time realized that the entire ‘idea’ about him that I had participated within and as in my head, couldn’t have been more wrong. I remember watching his every move while I was sharing with him and was taken back by the man standing before me who never took his eyes off of me while I spoke. It was like he was intent to hear every word I said and I can only describe him as displaying an elegance as he quietly within himself seem to take responsibility for how I had felt and experienced myself with regards to him.

And it was an interesting moment because within a small moment of awareness between us, I was able to forgive him and in the process forgive myself. It would be years later before I would come to see, realize and understand that it was never about forgiving him, it was always about forgiving myself. And I mean, he offered no apologies, and as it turned out I didn’t need an apology. What I needed from him was what he gave me when he took responsibility for being who he was, and it forever stopped and changed the nature of our relationship.

Alright so that was many years ago and since then him and I have kept in touch, however, since we live hours from each other it’s been difficult to see him as much as I would have liked to. So when I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, him and I began to speak on the phone often, and over the course of the last year we’ve gotten to know each other free from judgments, blame, shame and /or guilt. Which is cool because when you remove feelings and emotions from the equation what you get is a stable meaningful and assisting relationship. That’s how our relationship has been developing and we would talk about lots of things like money for instance, and about how hard it is to survive in this world.

He knew the challenges of making ends meet in a money system that is obviously broken. Nevertheless, he worked hard and made a good living working in a machine shop that built airplane parts for a major corporation for many years. Unfortunately there were very few regulations back then with regards to protecting the skilled laborer and so he was exposed to breathing extremely fine metal shavings which over time accumulated and the result was irreversible lung damage.

So 10 years ago he was diagnosed with severe lung damage and already outlived the amount of time the doctors first predicted he’d have left to live. During that 10 year time span, the Doctors prepared him for how the end of his life would most likely happen – congestive heart failure and possible kidney and/ or organ failure do to the meds to reduce the fluid build-up that comes with having poor lung function / congestive heart failure.

So unfortunately he’s been in and out of the hospital over the past few months and his quality of life has been deteriorating daily, but even so, what I was aware of the last time that him and I spoke was how he spoke with a quiet resolve.

The last time him and I spoke was about a month ago, and this morning my dad passed away.

I will miss him. I will miss our chats. And, I am grateful that him and I came together as we both faced illness and our fear of death and dying. When we would speak, the tone of his voice held no feel of judgment. Maybe that’s what allowed him the gentleness that came through in his nature during his last months here which really assisted me to see, realize and understand what’s worth giving for, which is Life. That whatever it takes, LIFE must Not be experienced as a suffering by anyone, and to ensure that doesn’t happen ever again, we Give to All,  that which we would want given to ourself.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in Love instead of the common sense of living in ways that is practically best for all life and thus best to be the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to reform the foundation of love to be the result of effective common sense living in a practical measurable way where all cards are always on the table and no thoughts exist that are hidden that could lead to justification and judgments that will end up in break-ups purely because the self interest of feeling was measured to be worth more that the integrity and respect of self honest living.

I commit myself to hold only life as worthy and holy and to reform all relationships on earth to that which respect and protect life in all ways necessary.

I commit myself to reform the understanding of the place and use of the mind and thinking to its rightful place as a tool with which to design living patterns of flesh as self that is best for all life and not allow myself the compromise to regard the mind as more than life and as a tool that has rights that overshadow life.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 273: Moving out of my own way

Falling into self pity is a sticky situation, and one I’ve fallen into starting from a very young age. Anything can trigger self pity, but what’ll end up happening is that we’ll react to something someone does or says and we’ll allow ourself to participate in self judgment as thoughts / backchat and/or memories. Make no mistake about it, self-pity alters our ability to see the practicality/meaning/solution in any given moment/situation.

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

moving out of my own wayThe result or consequence of behaving in self pity is ultimately self sabotage, and more often than not, in the end, we won’t have been aware of how we came to feel like we feel because we won’t have realized what or how we got to feeling the way that we do, because we would have already lost ourself in the energy of the thing, self pity that is.

Self pity is a pattern within my mind that I sometime play out in my world, and it’s one that I’ve been investigating for awhile now. However recently, through my ‘reacting’ to something somebody said/wrote, I’ve been able to understand the point with greater clarity.

So, self pity is definitely a tricky SOB that’s for sure. So be aware, self pity can play out in various ways, but in the end it’ll cause us to want to blame others for how we’re experiencing ourself instead of realizing, we’ve just fallen prey to self pity through our own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over who I become and how I experience myself as the feeling bad / feeling sorry for myself energy that then activates the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a positive expression into and as the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the energy of self pity produces an energy of excitement as it moves throughout my entire physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the actual origin points that lead to the outflow consequence or activation of and as the self pity energy which is an intensity with which I speak self judgment within my mind that then creates a feeling bad experience which will escalate into and as self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and thus allow the energy of self pity to entrap me within and as my own mind where I then lose awareness of myself and react in a way where I use excuses, reasons and justifications within my mind to hold onto and immerse myself into and as the emotion of self pity.

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to the energy of self pity, I Stop, I breathe. I direct myself to Not participate because I see, realize, and understand that the relationship I have with/as the energy of self pity is having a direct effect upon the relationships that I have within my world/reality.

When and as I see myself looking at my past and seeing myself as a failure I stop. I Breathe. I see realize and understand that in doing so I am participating in an intense self judgment in believing myself as being a disappointment, and how it is in these moments, that I allow self pity to creep in, thus instead, I Commit myself to see the moment as a gift, an opportunity to investigate, forgive and strengthen myself.

When and as I see myself within a moment of self judgment I stop, I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how important it is to understand the nature of self judgment in that if I participate in and as it, I’m giving way for that ‘feeling bad about myself emotion‘, which activates self pity and then, the whole process itself weakens and disempowers my ability to remain aware of myself because at that point, I’m already seesawing within and as my mind as the thing which then takes over my entire physical body. Therefore I commit myself to not accept and allow the domino effect to fall from/as the self judgment, to the feeling bad emotion, into the self pity where I then get stuck in a pit that can cause depression as well as self abdication.

I commit myself to stop attacking myself with and through self judgments.

I commit myself to Stop judging myself because I see, realize and understand that self judgment is a method the mind uses to ensure self sabotage.

I commit myself to identify the cause, source and origin of when self judgment come up to thus stop reactions and/or attacks on myself and/or others.

I commit myself to examine what I know deep within me in that I am no longer willing to accept, allow, nor believe the judgments that I’ve carried around like baggage from my past/mind, to instead redefine who I am as self pity and change my relationship to/as it through changing myself in the actual moment that self judgment begins, as well as going back into my past, in the memories, to see where I’ve given in to self pity so as to correct and redefine myself in/as the memory itself.

I commit myself to redefine who I am and my relationship to self pity by looking at the moment /my past to a memory of/or when self judgment came, to have a look at who am I in the moment as I forgive the self judgment thereby changing my relationship to the memory/moment into and as a solution by making a Stand to Not allow myself to give in to my mind as consciousness, backchat and/or the energy of self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the accepted and allowed indulgence into and as self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the positive connotation to self pity.

I commit myself to when self judgment tries to come up, to instead speak self-forgiveness as a gift to myself, using self pity as a way to move myself from consciousness to self awareness and strengthen my stand in relationship to my mind.

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“Fear of self’s truth = self judgment = self pity: Which form a wound within self, wanting it to be healed by another as to so deem ourselves as not being ‘so bad’ and ‘terrible’ for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. But doing this – is not taking self responsibility and there’s no-one able to judge us, but ourselves.

I understand now that there’s no-one able to judge me, but myself and that I really actually create what I experience within me – and therefore I, I alone, must STOP.”  ~ The Truth Hurts: Part Three by Benazir Bhutto

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