Tag Archive | debt

Day 297: Moving beyond the two-year mark – Day 5: Test results are in, what’s next?

what's next

In this podcast I share the results from my recent hcg test.  This test being the base-line I use to gauge the effectiveness of the alternative treatment plans that I’ve been walking for 2 years for Breast Cancer.

I also share the role that Desteni I Process continues to have upon my overall success during this process with regards to being able to stop myself from fearing how my thoughts were generating emotional fear energy experiences,   as well as what my plans are moving forward.

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

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Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

IV vitamin C therapy: A cancer perspective

Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

waiting

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“Waiting is implied self judgment and will cause inaction and regret.” Bernard Poolman

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

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My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

denial

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

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My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 284: Redefining and Commitment to Living ‘Grace’

When I looked within myself at how I’ve lived the word ‘grace’, I could see that although I completely comprehend how we as a society have defined it, such as in ‘merriam-webster’:

: a way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward
: a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving
graces : skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations

I hadn’t really ever considered what living the word ‘grace’ may look like or mean.  In fact, when I looked at how I felt inside myself when I looked at the word ‘grace’, what I saw was a feeling of awkwardness and an almost stumbling within myself, like a ‘not knowing’ so to speak.

So I realized that I’ve never really considered that I’ve not only the ability to redefine who I am as ‘grace’, but I’ve also the responsibility to do so.  In doing so, one like’s to think it would be easy to redefine who one is as ‘grace’, however, asking oneself important questions like ‘what does it mean to live the word ‘grace’ and, ‘what would that mean being for oneself, one’s body, and way of living‘?

It’s not an easy question to answer or live as because who we are as our mind depends upon things from our outside world to stimulate and entertain us, so it requires a slowing down within oneself in order to assist oneself effectively.
grace
When I first began to focus on and redefine myself as ‘grace’, it was cool, but kind of surprising when I realized just how much I reLIEd upon the energy I would get when I’d participate in any way in the bizarre little personal attacks on myself that I was accepting as backchat within my mind.

It’s cool when you commit to investigating these things that are going on within your mind, you begin to see just how ridiculous it all is – like the small sentences of backchat where in your head your hearing things like, ‘you can’t do this’, ‘I’m tired‘, ‘your getting to old for that’, etc, all of which add up to some serious self-judgments and suppression.

So as I’ve been walking this point in real-time – forgiving myself for the self-loathing and self-critical way of thinking, and forgiving myself for allowing myself to be controlled to such a degree where I’ve been motivated to move myself by and as my mind – which is in itself physically exhausting and proof how damaging our thought processes are on our physical body.

Instead of allowing that, I directed myself to stop and forgive myself, so when a self-judgment thought would come up or re-occur, I would stop, breathe and focus on giving myself ‘grace’, remaining aware of what that means and feels like to give myself ‘grace’ as self support.

After a few days, the backchat attack began to raise doubts because my mind as consciousness was losing controls so it used fear through the words, ‘your body can’t handle this’.  That’s when within me, it was like my physical body as me Stood Up, and I saw how when those thoughts came up my entire physical body became tense and uncomfortable and I became aware of how my bottom lip sought to hold down my upper lip real tight like, so I used that as an awareness, a flag if you will to provide assistance for myself to know it’s time to stop and breathe!  Within that I began to recognize who I am as my physical body within and as ‘Grace’,  and how when I allow myself ‘Grace’ my entire inside relaxes in clarity.

So, it’s been a few weeks now since I began investigating this point and I’m realizing who I am as ‘grace’ is becoming of me more and more – where ‘grace’ is a soft place within where I flow comfortably through and as my entire physical body, and within that a great gift emerged in that within and as ‘Grace’, self-judgments towards myself and others cannot and does not exist.

And so I see an opportunity that’s opened up here for me to see, realize and understand what it means to Life the word ‘Grace’ into and as myself and our entire World System within and as All of Existence.

Therefore, I commit myself to direct myself to move myself with an awareness to change what I’ve been accepting and allowing within my world – through self-forgiveness I let go the paranoia that has been placed as control and created around religion and how living the word ‘grace’ throughout our lives became identified with the idea of a “God watching over us” or a “God who knows best” attitude as another way to justify spirituality and the paranoia around it to the extreme – I further commit myself to take actions that prevent harm to All Living beings, to get to the point of having the ‘Grace’ to consider the common good for All Life through a Living Income Proposal, to ensure All the opportunity of Living Life in accordance to what’s Best for All to become part of the way Life exist on Earth.

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“Politics is the Fascinating Interesting thing that is In Fact Legitimate and Legal as a way to Change the World, simply by Voting or Getting Involved in Creating Political Parties that Actually Present a Constitutional Bill of Rights, Ensuring that All Laws that exist are Aligned to that, Ensuring that All Necessary Preventions that Ensures a Life that is Best for All Happens on Earth – those kind of stuff all Happen through Politics, through Government. And Government is Not ‘Evil,’ Government is the Product of The People. If Governments are ‘Evil’ as so many Paranoids Claim, then They’re Evil because They are the Ones that Created the Government in the first place, they don’t have an Alternative = that’s quite a Problem. One Shouldn’t Judge: You Should Look for Solutions and Alternatives.

As long as You Have No solutions and Alternatives = You are Judging.

If You Have a Solution and Alternative = it’s No Longer a Judgment, it is Then Common Sense Reasoning.” Bernard Poolman

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Investigate

The Living Income Proposal

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it was Critical for the Successful Design of Consumerism as Resource Control by the few to get Personal Effort to be SUBJECT to the GRACE of an INVISIBLE GOD to which ALL SUCCESS was ATTRIBUTED, to make sure the Human will ACCEPT Personal Self-Interest as a RIGHT as SINNER to be able to Indulge and Feed Consumerism without feeling Guilty, as a Saviour or Messiah will come or has died for the SINNER that CANNOT Help but being SINFUL by Consuming. In this an INVISIBLE PACT was created between Consumerism and Religion with Consumers FUNDING Religion as a way of Passing for Penance as the 7th Day of Confession and Forgiveness – Creating a Human that Accepts as the Core of the Human: EVIL, that Cannot be Conquered by Self, but only through a Divine force.

 

I commit myself to show that the Human’s acceptance of themselves as inherently Evil can in fact be conquered by Self and does NOT require a Divine Force or Forgiveness from an Imaginary God, but requires the courage to be Self Honest, to dare oneself to care, and to give oneself the gift of Self-Forgiveness.” Bernard Poolman

Day 283: Suburban Decay

For Context Read: How Ferguson Went From Middle Class to Poor in a Generation

“In 1990, Ferguson, Mo. was a middle class suburban enclave north of St. Louis with a population about three-quarters white. In 2000, the town’s population was roughly split between black and white with an unemployment rate of 5%. By 2010, the population was two-thirds black, unemployment had exceeded 13%, and the number of residents living in poverty had doubled in a decade.

The situation there is “really not so different than the rest of St. Louis County,” said Dr. Norm White, a criminologist with the Saint Louis University School of Social Work. “The problems we saw in the urban core have become the problems of the suburban umbrella.”

“The same decay that sparked unrest in one Missouri town is taking place across the country.”

On the surface it looks like what’s going on in Ferguson is all about racism, but it’s important that we have a look at the fact that Ferguson’s poverty and unemployment rate is worse than the national average.

stop killing us

“Ferguson is just the place that the scab got pulled off,” White, the criminologist, tells TIME. “The reason why this is so intense is that there are a lot of these little communities that have been left almost to rot. Physically the buildings are falling down. There are no social service programs.”

What can we really expect from people who are struggling in unimaginable ways such as living in poverty and homelessness? How come it’s so difficult for us to talk about the fact that having little to no money, with no end to the struggling in sight, how come this is not seen as a motivating factor embedded within the anger and the fears of the people of Ferguson?

I think mostly people are desperate and scared because they don’t know what to do or where to turn for help with their day to day struggles to survive. So when someone is killed like in a case like this, all hell brakes lose and still, we have the nerve to overlook the facts as their thrown in our face of how Poverty leads to War

“The greater the racial income gap, the deeper are the divisions between black and white workers, and the weaker are the unions and class solidarity.” Michael Reich; Study of The Journal of Human Resources

Truth is, what’s happening in Ferguson looks like war because it is war and it’s important to see the facts. And the fact is, our current Money System has failed us and we have to realize that what’s happening in Ferguson is happening in one way or another all around our world. The poor are getting poorer while the rich are getting richer and it’s important that we get clear on the fact that War is Not, never has been and never will be the solution.

The solution will no doubt require us to come together as a Group, to Support each other in bringing about a Money System that acts according to what’s best for all.

Investigate ‘The Living Income Guaranteed Proposal’

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“There is nothing more dangerous than to build a society with a large segment of people in that society who feel that they have no stake in it; who feel that that have nothing to lose. People who have stake in their society, protect that society, but when they don’t have it, they unconsciously want to destroy it.” MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

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“I was very much clearly convinced; in spite of what I saw in the police which was murders and violence and all kinds of things. I saw that more than just an outflow, more just an outflow from the social condition and the lack of resources, the lack of money that caused most of the conditions that I have witnessed in the police. People simply did many of the things out of desperation.” Bernard Poolman

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More reading about Ferguson: It’s Now Guns Vs. Cameras in Ferguson

 

Day 282: Land of Predators

Here we are, going about our daily life, enjoying our secret pact as a society – live the good life and society will take care of you.  But look what happens when society drops the ball.

Our World, where the taking of a life is easier than the care and feeding of it.

 

Dozens die as fighting intensifies in Gaza; children killed at refugee camp

 Image taken from L.A. Times

land of predators

North India gangs enforce ‘water tax’ on defenseless villagers: is this the future of the American West?

Big Pharma – Testing Meds on Homeless People

Nearly 300,000 suicides in India so far from GMO crop failures

Maintenance worker, 33, shoots dead his wife, their three sleeping children and then himself after ‘financial problems’

 

 “…most research on the relationship between income and suicide rates indicates that higher suicide rates correspond with lower incomes (Chen et al. 2009).”

 

Investigate LIG

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D.A.W.N. DEMOCRACY AGAINST WAR NOW

Day 271: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Death of a Relationship – Day 38

To share how one experience themself when someone close to them dies, doesn’t come easy for most of us because the subject of death is one we work hard to avoid. I mean on the one hand we want to talk with others about how shocked we are from the loss of a loved-one through a sudden or unexpected death, yet on the other hand, the topic of death itself triggers our ultimate fear, our fear of death and dying.
death of a relationship
Since being diagnosed some 10 months ago with Breast Cancer, I’ve been investigating my fear of death, even still it is very uncomfortable when death hits close to home.  It’s like looking behind yourself, to your past to see yourself, yet knowing full well within yourself,  that you did not see ‘it’ coming, ‘it’ being ‘death’, which always brings with it, the ‘death of a relationship’.

My favorite uncle was admitted into the hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia, and this is an all to familiar road because in my family, my mother and my brother, both died from pneumonia, and then now, my uncle has died from it as well, he was 53.

My uncle was one of the funniest people I’ve ever been around, and I wish I would have called him a month ago when the thought of doing so was triggered when my daughter mentioned she’d seen him where she had been working that day.

This time as the news of the death of a close family member came, I became oddly aware of how it was like for a moment, time stood still and for a split second I saw no difference between death and life. Meaning in how we exist here, acting like we’re life,  all the while existing like the living dead in how we accept and allow things like war, poverty and starvation to exist.  All I know is, that in that moment,  life and death seemed oddly the same and if only for a moment, there was no evidence within me of fear.

The moment of having no fear was of course fleeting, and I watched as I allowed myself to get sucked into the memories of the relationship I had with my uncle.  I remained aware of how my mind wanted to indulge in an enjoyable recollection of past events which came with an uncomfortable feeling of regret, guilt and sadness.  An all to familiar feeling within my mind that comes with the death of a relationship.

For the moment, this is all I can share,  but I will be watching and reading Heaven‘s Blog, because the specific context that’s being walked is about when something unexpected happens within one’s world that is personally-traumatic, where one go into an absolute mental and physical shock.

This will prove to be very assisting for how I’ve experienced myself the last couple of weeks – in how I felt ‘hectic’ inside myself when the fact is, it was hectic because of how within my mind I’ve been grieving within the fear of loss.  Basically, I’ve participated within and as the energy of regret, guilt and sadness while facing my ultimate fear, my fear of death and dying…

Alright, that’s all for now.

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Be Sure to Read:
Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479

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Day 176: After Death Communication – Part 25

“This World Is, Practically Speaking: Judgment Day. You’re Living it, Every day, Every breath. You are Living, Your Judgment. And, as you Judge, whether it is to Pretend that you are More than Life, or that you are the Product of Allowed Abuse, and thus Less than it : you are the One that Choose. You are the one that Decide. You are the One that Determine. You are the One that Allow. You are the One that Accept. You are the One Who will Find, that what is Here, is what is Hereafter. Unless you Change, while you’re Here, Proven Steadfastly, that you have In Fact Changed, Consistently, Breath by Breath, Never to Again Allow Life to Fall under your Self Interested Judgment; unless you Walk this in such a Steadfast Way that you will Never be Doubted, because you Never Doubt yourself, because You Will Stand regardless of what it Takes, to Bring About that Which is Best for Life, in Every Way, Always: You’ll Not be Worthy of Life.

And, because you don’t know when your Last Breath is, I suggest: You Stand Fast, and then Remain Steadfast. Because, by Now, Commonsense should Show you, that when you Die – All that Happens to the Dead, is that the Living try and keep their Memory Alive.” Bernard Poolman

Day 268: Demonizing the Poor

For Context: America’s Poor Are Demonized To Justify Huge Cuts in Gov’t Prgrams

Have you ever noticed how rarely the topic of ‘Poverty’ is discussed publicly, especially within the political arena and mainstream media? I guess it makes sense that the rich and famous wouldn’t want to talk about poverty or starvation – because bringing an awareness to the reality that poverty does actually exist and,  is how life is experienced on earth – could prove rather disastrous for those already in power.

What I’ve noticed is how the topic of poverty and income inequality is ever so-lightly being thrown around amongst the Democratic and Republican Parties, but it seems to be only a means in which to keep the numbness to the topics intact…

It’s strange because we’re demonizing poverty,  like for instance just today, in the United States, the Department of Labor reported that more people than ever are giving up on finding work. This gives us the impression that people are lazy and don’t want to work and in this we begin to demonize those who end up living below the poverty line…
poverty
A Quote from this article puts it this way: “The odd way our unemployment statistics work, makes the number the newspapers report go down.

Because when a few hundred thousand people say: ‘All right, I give up, it is so hopeless, I will never find a job,’ that, curiously, results in the unemployment number going down because the number that gets reported in the papers is a measure of a percentage of how many of the people looking for work are unable to find it.”

We talk about Income inequality without looking for a permanent Solution for the alarming and ever so-growing number of people who are living below the poverty line.   It’s time that each one of us – no matter who we are or where we live – that we start asking ourselves ‘how much longer we’re willing to continue to support the rich’? And to instead, begin to Support Each Other.

I’ve been guilty of demonizing the poor, but as I’ve looked closer at the point,  I’ve realized my demonizing the poor existed in pictures in my mind of what/how I ‘thought’ Poverty looked like,  but honestly, I had no real clue what being poor looked like in real life.  I certainly didn’t comprehend how close a middle-class family is to living below the poverty line.   Hell, I watched my mom and dad punch the time clock on their run at surviving and the only thing that’s changed is that there are fewer jobs now than there was then.

The one thing that we can be sure of is that we’re going to have to keep racing the clock to make money or we’ll die, because life is NOT free.  That means that we’re going to have to work every day to get that paycheck and then when we get it,  we’re terrified because we realize we’re almost broke and we just got paid.

So times are hard and of course we want to work because we want/need to eat and so the days of assuming folks are lazy because they don’t have a job simply isn’t true and, if we’re lucky enough to have a job, then we should consider ourselves as one of the elite.  One of the elite because in order for us to have, there have to be those who have not. That’s a hard one to swallow but deep within me, I finally get that there is no excuse for accepting and allowing income inequality and poverty and starvation and war to exist in any way whatsoever.  Because at the end of the day what’s happening is, we’re fighting against each other – while the rich and the famous reap the rewards from our insanity/acceptance/actions.

So, Let’s Stop killing ourselves trying to survive within our Current Broken Money System and let’s begin to Support each other as a Group. Let’s see how strong we are together and change the system, because our strength is in how many of us there are.

Let’s come together and Investigate the Solution to Income Inequality and Poverty, Let’s investigate and Guarantee a Living Income to Everyone.

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Day 418: Basic Income Can Save Capitalism

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Fear of Commitment (Part Three): DAY 441

“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within this see, realise and understand to what extent my Mind/me within and as it was “closed, isolated and separated” from everything/everyone else within this existence – to the extent where I would not have within and as my existent thinking-processes/reasoning skills been able to question and so investigate ‘who I am within me/my life and my relationship to all that is here’. Therefore exposing the extent to which our thinking/reasoning and even seeing/consideration and regard for ourselves and others is limited/locked-in and caged into and as the confines of our own Consciousness – not leaving any room/space for anything/anyone other than our own Self Interest of wants, needs and desires.

I commit myself to assist and support self to change myself from Consciousness-confinement in the Mind, to and as expanding my Self-Awareness into and as Physical equality and oneness – within this process, to see/realise/understand how ‘oneness’ already exist in that we’re all physically here in this physical existence, however Equality within that Oneness does not yet exist, because we’re all individually separate in our own Minds/Consciousness – competing for our wants, self-interest and greed instead of sharing, consideration/regard and giving to others as we would to ourselves. Therefore, I commit myself to assist and support myself to practically in moments where I see I am thinking only of MY WANT and not what is best for everyone – to stop and change, to become more aware of the consequence MY WANTS create not only for me, but for others as well.” ~ Sunette Spies

 

 

Day 267: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Money Trap – Day 37

Just talking about Money, or rather the lack of it causes me to feel dis-ease within myself. I become uncomfortable inside my skin and it’s like I’m suddenly trapped and the fact is, we’re All trapped in a deadly Money System that thrives off of the suffering of others…

The other night I wrote a blog that I titled:  Day 264: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Cost of Alternative Cancer Treatments and How Living Income Guaranteed is the Solution – Day 35

I wrote the following sentence:

“All in all, we spend approximately $800 US Dollars every month on the things I absolutely have to have in order to get well.” 

And then today, my partner was saying to me how the amount of money we spend every month purchasing the things that I absolutely have to have in order to specifically follow the alternative cancer treatment plan that I’ve chosen,  is way more than I said it was.  As I heard him say those words , of course I knew that he was correct, because pretty much 75% of everythimg that we spend money on is what I require if I’m to be successful in getting well with my treatment plan for breast cancer.

that thing called moneyAs I agreed with what my partner was saying, I knew I had to stop and breathe and remain aware of this sort of mini possession my mind was trying to take me into. Instead of allowing myself to go get  stuck in a point of paranoia,  I began to see the practicality in what becomes of the money we spend on my supplies.

A quick glance around my house one might not even know that my home has become my treatment center. A place where, for the first time in my life, I’m putting the welfare of my physical body first and foremost and being responsible for nourishing it – instead of what my mind would prefer by way of wants and desires.

I began to look back to when I first began my daily treatment routine. How me as my mind didn’t take kindly to the routine much less to the fact that there were no excuses allowed to not follow the routine strictly. The first 3 months I became somewhat depressed and felt as if I was mistreating myself.  It was what I’ve learned through applying the tools offered through Desteni I Process that got me through it – where I was able to remain consistent through using how the mind loves the comfort of routine, thus my daily routine has become only things that offer assistance, support and healing for my physical body.

So from the moment my feet touched the floor in the mornings, instead of going for a morning cup of coffee, I had to begin a most unexpected thing. And, In the beginning, my first thought every single day was, ‘I can’t do ‘it’ anymore’. The ‘it’ was, as Dr. Kelley puts it, an absolute necessity for the Cancer Patient, and one that should be done first thing every day within the first hour upon rising in the morning. I had so much resistance to the idea of it in the beginning but now I completely get how the human can direct oneself to change because I’ve been doing ‘it’ every morning now for 10 months and it never crosses my mind to not do it.

What I’m referring to is giving myself a coffee enema. It’s something that I’ve only now become comfortable talking about because now I get it. I understand the importance of the coffee enema. It assists my body to flush out the toxins that are being ingested by the massive amount of pancreatic enzymes that I take.  I also drink 3 ounces of Essiac Tea  3 times a day for detoxification as well.

So the point here is,  how the very mention of money causes me to be distracted from my goal of getting well and remaining focused and consistent. And, it’s important for me to have a reality check for myself because this topic is a sore spot and when my partner mentioned that we spend way more than $800 US Dollars – I immediately became aware of how tense my upper back and chest area became. I began to experience myself as irritated at myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get cancer in the first place. And this is how the mind trips us up and we become sucked into an automated pattern of self interest and self pity where we become afflicted by what’s called the plum disease,  “poor little old me”,   and we begin to describe ourselves with self-deprecating phrases..

Please don’t mistake my meaning, because how I experience life and how you or anyone experiences life on earth matters. Every bit of it. Everyone and Everything that is here is specific whether we understand it or not. The life experience on Earth is the direct result/ consequence of what each one of us accept and allow. Like how we accept and allow poverty and war and dirty politicians, and how we accept and allow the so-called rich and famous to set the standards with regards to who and what’s important within our world.

What’s important is that we don’t stop questioning our reality until we’re absolutely sure that all suffering has come to an end. Because as a Society, WE ARE in Big Trouble. So much so that debt collection is greeted with more support than the issue of the growing number of people around our world who have little to no access to clean drinking water.

Ok, so I’m realizing that I can forgive myself for the blame I’ve put on others instead of seeing the role that I play in how our current world/money system exists. And how I AM able to direct myself to change who I am, to stop any actions of greed in how I’ve lived my life only looking out for me and mine – to instead, be a living example of what it is to Give to another that which I would want given to me. Because what is best is a World where our Earth, our Waters and our Air are given priorities of protection, because they Give Life and since all living beings require these elements then the right to all of them must be given Freely.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself start to get anxious or irritable when the topic of spending money comes up – where within my mind I begin to feel sorry for myself for having to spend so much money on the things that I require to assist my physical body to recover – I stop, I breathe – I slow myself down and I walk with consistency completing those movements that are important in redesigning who I am and how I live my life according to what’s best for all.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that the human is the complete slave of the mind that capitulated with ease, and thus will require extensive time to realize the true nature of the MIND and MONEY.

I commit myself to show that real power is Life and NOT money.

I commit myself to show that equality as the physical interconnectedness realized will end the reign of money and mind as God.

I commit myself to awaken the physical to its true nature and being as Life.

I commit myself to confront those that are possessed by money and mind with Life so they may wake up from their hypnotic sleep.

I commit myself to show that war only exists because of its participants, and that all participants are equally responsible for the abuse of war, and that to allow war through silence, is to be part of war.

I commit myself to show that breathing disciplined, committed to Life as what is best for all Life, will always come to full realization that will end all slavery of Life.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 265: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – On Death and Dying – Day 36

Every once in awhile I’ll have a day where what’s going on in my mind is a repeating pattern of specific memories, memories that I’ve given value to according to an experience from my past.  These particular memories mostly include members of my family who have died, like for instance my mom, my brother and/or my sister.   The memories are accompanied with a strange feel good sadness where I reminisce as I indulge in an enjoyable recollection of my past experiences.  This is how my mind reels me in, ever so gently until it’s like the trigger is pulled and instantly, I become locked within a semi-sweet memory/feeling that will always go from a positive energy experience to a negative one in like 2.2 seconds and suddenly,  I’m face to face with my fear of death and dying.

Artwork by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo
marlens2This particular pattern has become less frequent than when it began which is what I allowed to happen the first time I was told that I had breast cancer.

So in the first few months as the pattern evolved I would miss the memory as the trigger and be swept away in Fear rather quickly.  But now,  it’s like I’m having new memories come forth but not really.

 Still I’m very aware of how  I’ve entered another dimension of myself as my mind and now I’m seeing how the memory was always here for me to access to be able to stop and forgive myself however,  I was moving so fast within myself as my mind that I was unable or unwilling to look, to see where and who I’ve been during all the memories that I have stored within every part of my physical body.

So now I’m seeing an increased awareness coming forth from within me and it’s become easier to investigate further into and as the patterns of my mind.  It’s definitely a process worth walking for oneself and I’m fortunate, because I’ve had the tools from Desteni I Process and I know how to apply them and in doing so I’ve been able to direct myself within a clearer understanding of how having cancer is proving to be very self-educating and thus very assisting.

Also it’s important to note here how weird my sleeping was last night and how I was constantly and continually aware of an intense pain within my breast surrounding the areas where the lump is. ‘The lump’ has become less scary to touch for me now, so when the pain comes, it’s like I allow myself to go into the pain, to focus on remaining aware of my breathing and allow myself to investigate the pain – instead of trying to run and hide from it in fear within my mind.  Sometimes briefly I’ll catch myself off guard and be swept in for a moment.   For a second I’ll became trapped in a mini-automated paranoia episode taking place within my mind about death and dying, but more and more I’ve been able to stop, breathe and investigate the how’s and why’s to determine how I may assist my physical body to get well.

With regards to the pain I had last night which was similar to the same kind of pain I’ve had on at least 4 other occasions, I’ve come to realize that according to the sensation of the pain and how it physically feels like there’s a pulling taking place – it’s like the lump is pulling away from the surrounding tissue that it’s grown attached to – like the lump is ever so slowly letting go, dying, becoming a dead tumor.

Of course, I can’t yet prove my theory, but if that is in fact what’s happening, then the results will eventually become known anyway…. The point here that I’m trying to put into words, is that when I ‘get physical‘, so to speak, when I hear my body when it’s hurting,  thirsty and/or basically when my physical body is giving me an opportunity to see who I am as it and direct myself,  it’s interesting,  because it is in that moment when my fear of death and dying ceases to exist.

Alright so that’s all for tonight.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have Realized that the FLESH acts like a HARDDRIVE, that Stores one’s Memories as Stories as the History of the Creation of the Character in the Narrative used as the Idea of Self, which is then Projected on the Screen of the MIND which Tell A Vision show and supported by the words the Self Speaks to Convince this Self as Character that it is Real, but take away the Memories, and the Self Disappears immediately, exactly what happens at Death as well.

I commit myself to SHOW that the FLESH as STORAGE of Memories From which is Created Personal Consciousness, is NOT GRASPED and that the Importance given to the MIND cause a World of ABUSE and DELUSION that will keep on Growing ’till Man wake up and Study the Real ISSUES in the TISSUE of the Body.” ~ Bernard Poolman