Tag Archive | deception

Day 298: Self-Change within the Mother / Daughter Relationship Construct

Alright, first a little history. Within an hour or so after spending some time with my youngest daughter, I would begin to have pain in my upper back / scapula area. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable and while I’ve been able to breathe and slowly get the pain to subside, it’s a point that I can see is requiring immediate attention.

So my DIP Pro buddy is assisting me with taking this point on and I can see how I’ve been changing the way I behave when I’m around my daughter in that as I approach her, I become stricter and it’s like I expect more from her for some reason. So basically when I’m around her I take on a specific role and /or personality and I’ve been able to connect the change in me being when the pain would intensify. So just realizing that I was doing that has assisted me to be able to stop compromising myself by that action of stepping into such a specific role / personality – which had become almost a point of automation so, it takes practice to change self as that.

So then, about a month and a half ago, my daughter had to reschedule a Drs. appt. for her daughter, Emmeline. When I heard she cancelled it / rescheduled it, even though I didn’t agree with her decision to do so, I kept quiet about the little irritation I was experiencing within myself. Upon further investigation I realized that I didn’t trust myself to not react, so I kept quiet, and in doing so I suppressed the ‘who I am‘ to ‘who am I’?

However, at the time I didn’t take the time to self investigate, so I knew the point would come around again, and it did really soon!

Then a couple of weeks ago my partner let me know that my daughter had cancelled Em’s appt. again. Immediately I saw the thoughts that were coming up within me, which were:

“I can’t believe she did that again!”

The word: Betrayed is how I’d describe the experience I was having of myself in that moment. It was like someone had done ‘me’ wrong! Me?? Done me wrong? Lol, that’s actually odd, but at the time, it felt like I had been personally betrayed the moment that Drs. appt. was cancelled.

More Thoughts:

“I deserve to have a say in E’s life.”

“what about everything I’ve done for you?”

“I kept your daughter 4 to 5 days a week for over 2 years, for free, while you guys worked 9 to 10 hour days!”

Memory comes up of Em and I and the many, many days her and I walked together this old country road just outside our house. It was on that road where Em first heard how loud the whistle of a passing train can be! The memory comes with a momentary positive energetic charge / experience / feeling of comfort but, lol, I see how my mind wants me to use the memory to distract and manipulate myself to not look closer to see how the word ‘entitlement’ is attached to the thoughts / backchat I’d just had.

I didn’t wait until I was energy-free to call and talk to my daughter. Instead I manipulated myself in my head into believing that in that moment I was free from reactions but I wasn’t. If I’d been self honest I would have known that, because I felt the rushing of energy inside myself as I called her. The energy was the red flag, but I was too busy being it to give myself a chance to stop and redirect myself. Too bad, because, Revenge of the ego was all that went down during that conversation

I forgave myself and recommitted myself to stop such reactions toward my daughter, or towards anyone for that matter.

Alas, I half-ass-essed myself within the point, meaning for the most part I ignored investigating the point through to it’s entirety. I did manage to share with my daughter how I was sorry for reacting and that I am definitely aware of, and prepared to walk the self-correction process for this point.

Fortunately, lol, a few days later, within this mother / daughter construct, the point opened up again, and bam! I reacted again! This time my reaction to my daughter set off a chain-like reaction and here‘s how it went…

Just like we’ve done every Sunday morning for the past year and a half, first thing on Sunday mornings, my partner goes to my daughter’s house to get our granddaughter. That’s the day we get to spend the entire day with her and this is precious time that my partner and I do not take for granted and it’s a time spent with her that we’ve come to enjoy so much every week.

So my daughter and I were speaking on the phone when my partner got to her house to pick Em up, but then, when she told me about them having to move and about ‘where’ their going to move to, I reacted by saying how stupid it is to move so far away from her job and I knew my tone was angry when I spoke and when she heard me say that she hung up on me. She then reacted and decided to not let our granddaughter come over as planned for the day. (I didn’t know she didn’t let Em leave with my partner until he called from our cell phone to tell me.)

When she had hung up on me I hadn’t tried to call her back because I knew I had to focus on my breathing and stop the energy before talking with her again.

However, after my partner called and told me Em wasn’t with him, I immediately tried calling her but she wouldn’t answer her phone. When she wouldn’t answer her phone, I became more pissed off. So at that point I made the decision to text her the following, which was exactly the thoughts and backchat that was going on in my head!

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t let Em come over because you thought I’d scare Em because you thought I’d show my reactions to your moving to her?”

“I am speechless.”

“I’ve never given you a reason to fear me doing such a thing”

Again I felt betrayed. I was angry. I felt anxious. My heart rate had increased adn I felt alone and wrung with self-doubt and self disappointment. As I was focusing on my breathing,  I began to see a connection within myself between self-betrayal, self-trust and self-doubt so I reached for an Eqafe interview called: Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383.

I realized from listening to the interview that I was like, stewing within myself in my head in self-doubt and when in doubt, there’s fear and in fear there’s no self-trust and so my ‘I am’ became fear and when and as I spoke / reacted as that to my daughter – and it was that same fear that I was accepting and allowing that she mirrored and reacted to me with/as. For a moment I could see clearly to forgive myself as the doubt I’d become.

Once I forgave myself, I was able to look at my daughters living situation respectfully.

The problem? They have to move asap from the house they’ve called home for a year and a half. And, in reality, them having to move was just one more thing I was reacting to and it may have been why my daughter reacted the way she did when she made the decision she made to not let Em come over here.

Things we regret tend to happen when we make decisions in our relationships and / or in our future when we’re in any form of hatred, resentment or revenge energies. And those energies breed fear. Also, when change comes, we fear loss and add a dose of self-doubt and a lack of self-trust on top of that, and what you’ve got is a dysfunctional relationship. And honestly, I don’t know any families that are free from the dysfunctions that come with NOT understanding what’s going on within and as one’s own mind! That’s why I’m grateful for the Desteni I Process, it has literally saved me from going bat-shit-crazy.

Alright so self change can seem impossible, but really, it just takes practice, and what else is there to do really anyway, but to practice understanding each other and so provide assistance and support for ourselves and for those we’re in relationships with.

With regards to my daughter’s upcoming move, it may be difficult at first to get used to because as it is she lives about 20 minutes from us and it’s been great to be able to see them just about anytime we want.

But now, with their decision to move 150 miles round trip from here, the reality is, it is a game changer, because realistically it’ll cost more money to be able to see them every week, so it’s probably not realistic to say that we’ll be able to continue with our weekly visit.

Realizing this is a game changer in my mind, I also see this being a pivotal point that has opened up an opportunity for me to also walk the self corrective application process to change the relationship that I have with myself between trust and betrayal as well as self doubt.

Andrew Gable Artist
agreement agreemend Andrew Gable

So with regards to this matter, I choose to direct myself according to what’s best for all and I know that these kind of moments where we give to ourselves an opportunity to correct the very nature of our relationships – to one that is supportive and giving unto another as one would like to receive is key in walking the self-change process.

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 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to use words as a weapon with which to excuse and abuse.

When and as I see myself feeling like I want to lash out in extreme’s to another, I stop. I Breathe, I direct myself to see, realize and understand that wanting to lash out in extreme onto another is a symptom of being dramatic, basically full of energy, therefore I commit myself to make sure that I do not act until I’m sure I’m energy clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my daughter / child based upon a memory experience I was holding onto from my past that influenced our relationship with spite and resentment through the use of my tone and my words and I forgive myself for using superiority as the starting point from which I began a conversation with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the moment the feeling of betrayal comes – it’s like the table’s just turned and the relationship game between me and them has changed to the extent that they not only betrayed that which I entrusted in them, they have now betrayed all of me and so therefore I must stand within the idea that the whole relationship is null and void – for going to the extreme within myself with regards to how in my mind I decide the entire relationship must now be doomed because of feeling betrayed.

When and as I see myself feeling as if someone or something has betrayed me, I stop. I breathe. I direct myself to ask myself questions, to understand why, how, who and /or what exactly is it that’s contributing to me feeling betrayed, because I see, realize and understand that nothing is so important that one should go to extremes inside oneself, thus it’s important to remember to stop, to breathe and give myself a moment to forgive within understanding why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m entitled to special treatment, that I am somehow more deserving of special treatment because I’m the parent/grandparent.

When and as I see myself demand respect and desire to react in spite within and as the belief that I’m entitled to special treatment because I’m mom and / or because it’s ‘owed’ to me, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to behave in such a way could very well be a direct link of support to our indebted and broken monetary system, therefore, I commit myself to Stop living who I am through and as a false sense of entitlement with an ‘I want it now’ attitude.

I commit myself to not ever make decisions in my relationship with other people or my future when I’m in any form of hatred, revenge and/or resentment energy.

—-Update—-

My daughter and I have been able to assess our alignment with each other in real time every day since the last reaction between us, which was almost 2 weeks ago now and, thus far we’ve both been successful with our communicating with each other.

With regards to ‘where’ my daughter and her family are going to live, while I’m not really in agreement with their decision, I have let her and her partner and my granddaughter know that we’re here for them and will support them and their decision.

***What I find interesting, and I’m still investigating and forgiving is how in my mind, I still have a conflict with my daughter’s choice of where they’re going to live – but I’m not reacting to her on the outside but inside myself, lol, I’m still making amends if you will. Because during the day my mind tried to make believe there was a conflict between my daughter and I based upon a reaction that I didn’t participate in, lol, but my mind thinks there’s supposed to be something going on there, lol! So there’s definitely shifts / changes taking place within me as I continue walking the self correction and realignment process with regards to this point.

Also to note here: In December of 2012, my daughter and her family had to come live with us while she went to nursing school. So below one can click on any of the following links to blog during that time to get a glimpse into my process of writing out the different dimensions as I’ve walked them with regards to this point within and as the mother / daughter construct / relationship which I began shortly after they moved in with us.

I will continue to walk the real-time process of self change to stop any and all reactions to my daughter and her and I have made a commitment to individually and together as self-willed equals, to continue to walk and become a living example of how change can come to the mother / daughter relationship and can be one of support when one’s starting point is structured first within the starting point of what’s best for all.

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Below are Links from my JTL blog where I’ve written regarding this point:

Day 186: Inside Outside In-between (My Daughter’s Moving Back Home)

Day 191: Empathy Pain

Day 196: Moving Through

Day 199: Finding Fault becomes a case of Moral Dilemma

Day 201 & 202: Like Mother, Like Daughter

Day 205: I’m too old for this!

Day 206: The Suffering of Others

Day 251: Forgiving Self Betrayal

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

Day 260: Mother/Child Relationship Commitment

Day 272: Woman to Woman

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

***I will post process updates as they develop and are relevant to this point.***

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Suggest also hearing the following Interviews which have been instrumental for me as I’ve been walking this particular point:

Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383

Choices & Doubt – Reptilians – Part 384

Trust Within Constancy – Reptilians – Part 385

Transcending Betrayal – Life Review

In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal – Life Review

Seeing Your Reactions – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

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Day 270: How to Stop being at odds with myself

You know that moment when you’re driving somewhere unfamiliar, and you’re looking and driving and looking for the correct street, then suddenly you convince yourself you’re going in the wrong direction so you turn around, then, you find out later that you turned right before you would have gotten to the place you were looking for? That’s how I would describe what it felt like within myself when I referred to myself as being ‘at odds with myself’. It’s like my wants were in conflict with my needs, and it’s a point that opened up as a memory was triggered of a very emotional and very dark time in my life.

sly

So as I’ve investigated the point further, I realized my inner war has been in my relationship between life  and death and/or right and wrong and in relationship to any and ALL  positive and negative energetic experiences.

Seeking energy is a problem that keeps me going within my fear of death – which has always been creeping forth from within me – even when I didn’t realize that the very world/money system that I live in, and that I have supported, is in fact deciding my choices for me through my fear of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions according to emotions and feelings and/or the negative vs the positive where through and as negative energetic reactions of/as hope, faith and fear of survival, I sought my desires and accepted and allowed a positive energy/ego experience, paying no attention to the consequences that doing so created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how having to depend upon another for my survival not only compounds and manifests more fear, it also supports internal conflict, which unfortunately determines how I will function and respond to others within and as my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing the fears that exist within me and instead allowed myself to be lead down the same path of self destruction over and over within a vicious cycle of self defeating behaviours within the mind-set of right vs wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle with internal conflict, where I secretly disagree or quarrel with myself and then deliberately focus my blame on the externalities of my world as being the reason for why things keep going wrong in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up my mind through assumption, which is self deception, and for how I put myself in a position where I’m lying just to save face and / or to deliberately harm or deceive/manipulate others to think thoughts that I know will have consequences – where a person cannot self realize, and/ or to say or act in revenge and/or jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase a dream that I created in my mind through advertisements and television that fuel a desired experience of ego, where in self interest I seek to fulfill my own wants, needs and desires which ultimately keeps me enslaved and trapped within and as them chasing energy as imagined dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I carry some dark energy / memory of myself within my mind that governs/directs me according to my past experiences, and determines my future whether through deliberate choice or self automation.

When and as I see myself experiencing myself within a negative energetic experience that presents itself within emotions of faith, hope and fear, I stop.  I Breathe.  I Direct myself to investigate the motive behind the desire to replace the negative with a positive and to see, realize and understand that self trust and self change come when one stop one’s ego-mind-energy.

I commit myself to stop running from myself and Face who I am as a negative energetic experience so to forgive myself for chasing the dream of ‘if only’.

I commit myself to not make up my mind through assumption and to instead have responsibility towards myself and others as myself according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to getting to know who I really am and to see, realize and understand that dreams and desires cannot be sustained as they exist of energy which inevitably come to an end – where I’m left with nothing – as the nothing the dreams and desires consisted of and existed as, because they exist of/as energy and aren’t real to begin with.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to change the definition of Life and Death to one that is supportive of All Life – from the beginning of one’s Life until death according to what’s best for all.

For Further Clarity, Please download:  Life Angel and Death Devil – Life Review

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“We are in a Society where our Community is Designed by Our Communication, being mostly TOLD WHAT we should ACCEPT as Real and What Not.

Communication like Television, Movies, Magazines, Newspapers and fraudulently conjured up Academic Textbooks to make the Lecturers some Money (See the College Conspiracy Documentary) – All in the Name of the Ultimate Communication, which is “Happiness Consumption”.

The Communication BEHIND All this, is that you’ll be Unhappy, if you do not do your Best to be a Success in Society and make Lots of MONEY to “Live the Dream”, being communicated, nowadays, through Visual and Sound – combined Visions that Tell you what Dream you should Aspire to.” Bernard Poolman

Day 164: After Death Communication – Part 13

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Investigate Living Income Guaranteed

Day 268: Demonizing the Poor

For Context: America’s Poor Are Demonized To Justify Huge Cuts in Gov’t Prgrams

Have you ever noticed how rarely the topic of ‘Poverty’ is discussed publicly, especially within the political arena and mainstream media? I guess it makes sense that the rich and famous wouldn’t want to talk about poverty or starvation – because bringing an awareness to the reality that poverty does actually exist and,  is how life is experienced on earth – could prove rather disastrous for those already in power.

What I’ve noticed is how the topic of poverty and income inequality is ever so-lightly being thrown around amongst the Democratic and Republican Parties, but it seems to be only a means in which to keep the numbness to the topics intact…

It’s strange because we’re demonizing poverty,  like for instance just today, in the United States, the Department of Labor reported that more people than ever are giving up on finding work. This gives us the impression that people are lazy and don’t want to work and in this we begin to demonize those who end up living below the poverty line…
poverty
A Quote from this article puts it this way: “The odd way our unemployment statistics work, makes the number the newspapers report go down.

Because when a few hundred thousand people say: ‘All right, I give up, it is so hopeless, I will never find a job,’ that, curiously, results in the unemployment number going down because the number that gets reported in the papers is a measure of a percentage of how many of the people looking for work are unable to find it.”

We talk about Income inequality without looking for a permanent Solution for the alarming and ever so-growing number of people who are living below the poverty line.   It’s time that each one of us – no matter who we are or where we live – that we start asking ourselves ‘how much longer we’re willing to continue to support the rich’? And to instead, begin to Support Each Other.

I’ve been guilty of demonizing the poor, but as I’ve looked closer at the point,  I’ve realized my demonizing the poor existed in pictures in my mind of what/how I ‘thought’ Poverty looked like,  but honestly, I had no real clue what being poor looked like in real life.  I certainly didn’t comprehend how close a middle-class family is to living below the poverty line.   Hell, I watched my mom and dad punch the time clock on their run at surviving and the only thing that’s changed is that there are fewer jobs now than there was then.

The one thing that we can be sure of is that we’re going to have to keep racing the clock to make money or we’ll die, because life is NOT free.  That means that we’re going to have to work every day to get that paycheck and then when we get it,  we’re terrified because we realize we’re almost broke and we just got paid.

So times are hard and of course we want to work because we want/need to eat and so the days of assuming folks are lazy because they don’t have a job simply isn’t true and, if we’re lucky enough to have a job, then we should consider ourselves as one of the elite.  One of the elite because in order for us to have, there have to be those who have not. That’s a hard one to swallow but deep within me, I finally get that there is no excuse for accepting and allowing income inequality and poverty and starvation and war to exist in any way whatsoever.  Because at the end of the day what’s happening is, we’re fighting against each other – while the rich and the famous reap the rewards from our insanity/acceptance/actions.

So, Let’s Stop killing ourselves trying to survive within our Current Broken Money System and let’s begin to Support each other as a Group. Let’s see how strong we are together and change the system, because our strength is in how many of us there are.

Let’s come together and Investigate the Solution to Income Inequality and Poverty, Let’s investigate and Guarantee a Living Income to Everyone.

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Day 418: Basic Income Can Save Capitalism

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Fear of Commitment (Part Three): DAY 441

“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within this see, realise and understand to what extent my Mind/me within and as it was “closed, isolated and separated” from everything/everyone else within this existence – to the extent where I would not have within and as my existent thinking-processes/reasoning skills been able to question and so investigate ‘who I am within me/my life and my relationship to all that is here’. Therefore exposing the extent to which our thinking/reasoning and even seeing/consideration and regard for ourselves and others is limited/locked-in and caged into and as the confines of our own Consciousness – not leaving any room/space for anything/anyone other than our own Self Interest of wants, needs and desires.

I commit myself to assist and support self to change myself from Consciousness-confinement in the Mind, to and as expanding my Self-Awareness into and as Physical equality and oneness – within this process, to see/realise/understand how ‘oneness’ already exist in that we’re all physically here in this physical existence, however Equality within that Oneness does not yet exist, because we’re all individually separate in our own Minds/Consciousness – competing for our wants, self-interest and greed instead of sharing, consideration/regard and giving to others as we would to ourselves. Therefore, I commit myself to assist and support myself to practically in moments where I see I am thinking only of MY WANT and not what is best for everyone – to stop and change, to become more aware of the consequence MY WANTS create not only for me, but for others as well.” ~ Sunette Spies

 

 

Day 201 & 202: Like Mother, Like Daughter

My youngest daughter moved back in with us on December 20th of last year, 2012. It had been almost 5 years since the last time she lived with us, which was the first time she moved back home after moving out right after she passed her GED just months before her 18th birthday, almost 2 years prior.  To “The Anti-Reader Personality”, that minute detail will more than likely be extremely unimportant. However, it is undoubtedly an important point for one to consider when one is unravelling and deconstructing the multiple upon multiple personalities and characters that one have existed as during such a time frame.

I mean, our past is always here for us to forgive and walk through.  Instead real change never occurs,  we continue repeating the same cycles of patterns and behaviors –  which are actually just different forms of self-abuse.

Before I began applying the tools provided through Desteni I Process, I wouldn’t have been able to see such points to forgive and become able to walk them through to release through such a practical and giving application.

We all know how ill our emotional patterns with family can leave us feeling and experiencing ourselves within our life.  Where with just the right tone and specific words spoken,  suddenly,  some forgotten, yet familiar backchat and internal conversation returns.  When that happens we  have two choices: we can either become energetically charged as an automated response pattern/ reaction – which only serves to take us further into our mind and back to the way we were, are, and have always been – stuck in emotional turmoil and personal self-avoidance. Or, we can see such moments as the gift that they are and within that who self really is and how vital it really is to slow oneself down and breathe.

What I’ve noticed is how easy it is to want to hurry and when we hurry we’re not breathing. When we’re not breathing, who we are as our mind slips into automation, old patterns, and here specifically, the mother/ daughter design construct. It’s like re-reading the same book or re-watching the same movie over and over and expecting something new or different to happen every time.

So I’m realizing that I am capable of redesigning who I am and that I can direct myself according to what’s best for all, because when I get a glimpse of myself in self-honesty, I become aware of the importance of releasing the never-ending cycles of generations upon generations of strife – as that which we’ve all existed as. And, I realize it’s going to require a willingness to ‘Let-go’, to thus give back to myself that which I’m willing to forgive myself of through redesigning  who I am from within to without.  To once-and-for-all Stop the past patterns of me as my mind that I have existed as within the mother/daughter relationship construct and to begin to actually walk this Journey to Life in/as the shoes of another.  Thus I will begin here in keeping it simple.
Like Mother Like Daughter
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being specific and for how the very meaning of specificity and becoming it in walking my process makes my entire body want to squirm and tense up and retreat thus, I commit myself to slowing myself down and giving me to me as the gift of seeing and hearing and remaining aware of me from the inside out as me as my physical body and mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having negative thoughts and for seeking positive thoughts as a way of deceiving myself into an alternate reality of feel good that actually only exists within my mind and in separation of what is actually here within and as me as my physical world/reality/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for pretty pictures within my mind in an attempt to avoid experiencing the negative energetic charge that I often felt as a mother during those times when I was sure that I would fail, that I wouldn’t have the Courage to Not become what I beLIEved everyone wanted and needed me to be according to the picture image within my mind within and as the memories I have stored of the relationship between my mother and me and her mother and hers and so on for generation after generation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep score within myself in a way that triggers me to compare myself to other people’s behaviors, where I teeter back and forth between superiority and inferiority using opinions as definitions within which to remain stuck in a belief system of what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto memories that manifest emotional physical pain within and as my physical body because I fear that  I won’t know what to do if I forgive myself and let them go.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to argue for my limitations wherein I believe that I am the best that I can be and thus have accepted my life and my world as it is as less than giving because giving life Equally to all is determined only through laboring oneself day in and day out in order to earn money for one’s right to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and internal conversations of: ‘Oh no, not again, I can’t do this,  and I don’t want to’ because I see, realize and understand that in doing so I am instructing myself to change accordingly, thus telling myself that it’s alright to excuse, justify and give myself reason to remain existing as the very thoughts that continue to enslave me in and as ego, discontent and ultimately self-loathing and playing blame games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate myself in a crisis mode so much so that I experience a sort of separation anxiety within my physical body to the extent that I physically manifest pain surrounding the area of my upper back and into my chest and heart area.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as consciousness by arguing for my own limitation where through reacting instead of directing I restrict myself  from actually changing who and what I am and how I live, thus limiting myself from actually living the solutions that will ultimately assist us in changing the nature of who we are as Limitation.

I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing and investigating who I am in specificity and clarity as I deconstruct who I am within and as the mother/daughter relationship.
peas in a pod
I commit myself to embrace the specificity of details through walking my process of self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it’s OK to Forgive myself and let-go during those moments when I see that I am hanging onto the emotional and physical pain that exists as a memory within and as me as my physical body.

I commit myself to stop keeping score.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others based upon judgment within the ‘belief’ that there’s a difference between their behavior and mine in that my behavior is right and their behavior is wrong, when in fact there is no right or wrong way to act because that would mean that life can never be anything but a competition, a role playing, an act, when the facts remain clear in that we all exist here together on this Earth, which for me is proof that the Principle of Equality exists here with us as the very Nature of who we are within and as our Physical Body/World/Reality/Existence.

I commit myself to stop and breathe and walk the corrective application in correcting who I am as my mind of patterns and constructs that exists between my daughter and me within and as the mother/child relationship to one that resembles what it is to give as you would like to receive, to thus inevitably change the nature of self as self walks as a living example of what it is to exist within a world where All relationships become Agreements that will support Life to reach it’s fullest potential as Heaven on Earth according to the Principle of Equality.

I commit myself to stop participating in the backchat and internal conversations that I have become aware of with regards to my daughter because I see, realize and understand that when I participate, I am actually arguing for my limitations and instead I breathe and direct myself to walk this point through in self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into crisis mode because I see, realize and understand that doing so is an energetic boost similar to what a vampire would do in that it sucks the life out of everyone and everything. I commit myself to accept and allow myself the opportunity to stop and breathe.

I commit myself to remaining aware of the fact that within every moment of breath is the opportunity to redesign who I am as my Physical/Mind/Body according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to really communicating with others without having other mind processes activating while I am in their presence and to really hear what they’re saying/expressing.

I commit myself to redesigning myself into a human being who is able to express oneself without demeaning and undermining others in the process.

“Place yourself in the shoes of another, and make sure you are Willing to Live That Life.” Bernard Poolman

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Suggest Hearing:

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race – Part 1 

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race – Part 2

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race – Part 3

Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Join the forum:
Desteni

Investigate Equal Money Capitalism

Day 197: Guns: Problem, Solution and Reward

Art by Rozelle de Lange
EqualChange for Real
For Context Read: Running Out of Weapons

“Obama’s gun control speech this week in which he urged lawmakers to agree to a ban on military-style assault weapons, limits on high-capacity magazines and universal background checks, appears to have only fuelled the upsurge.”

That’s how it is. Scare the hell out of em and they’ll react with feelings and emotions and then they’ll buy, buy, buy!

Fear is the motivator used to boost the economy. The proof is in the skyrocketing sales as people rushed to buy guns in their fear of an imminent gun ban in the wake of the Sandy Hook Massacre where 26 people were shot dead.  How insane is it that the most sought after weapon, according to sellers, is the AR-15-style assault rifle, the same as the one used in the shootings.

The highest rate of gun ownership in the world is in United States, where there are almost as many guns as there are people: around 300 million guns for 311 million people – with the average American gun-owner having four to five firearms.

Problem

The problem with guns is the human because the human has yet to take self-responsibility for the action they take when they pull the trigger and/or give permission for the trigger to be pulled. We act on impulse and fear and, more than not people fire guns without first considering how their action of doing so cannot be undone. When one is making a decision based on feelings and emotions they are unable to consider the consequences. Even when something like Sandy Hook happens, it only sparks more fear and ultimately more people with guns, and we’re not even considering the damage that is ongoing every single day in war torn countries where a multitude of weapons are used.

The problem is that guns are designed for death and destruction and thus All decisions and actions must take place within that realization. Another obvious problem is that we live by the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ principle in which we destroy people and their countries in our quest to conquer, to have it all.  All the while we avoid seeing our own greedy nature as we give permission for and/or pull the trigger and kill even as we’re insisting on stricter weapon laws/gun control.

Solution

The Solution is actually very simple. Instead of living by the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ principle – where we have lived by means of force using guns/weapons to achieve control/profit and gain over others – we begin by investigating and educating ourselves about the human mind with regards to why and how it is that we ‘think’ and feel and behave the way that we do.  In addition, we will through Equal Money Capitalism take all life into consideration and thus the manufacturing process itself will become one that is benefiting of all life – instead of destructing to life.  Suggest one read: Equal Money Capitalism Wiki for further clarity

Reward

We’ll become a living example of the message of Jesus, “Give as you would like to Receive” and, “Do unto Another as you would Like to be Done Unto you”. As a result we will eventually reach a point where war and suffering will cease, and Life will become a Living Experience of Fulfillment and Happiness within a Quality of Living according to what’s Best for All.

We have a responsibility to all living beings, one that we’ve yet to see, realize, understand and be accountable for, thus, until we each become a living example of what it is to walk as life according to what’s best for all, until then, the solution is to do away with All guns/weapons and war.
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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

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Day 196: Moving Through

The subject of money, or rather the lack thereof came up tonight when my daughter and her partner asked if we could help them out with giving them some gas money so they can get to work. As we continued to discuss the point, I became increasingly aware of the FAMILIar and dull pain located within my upper back between my shoulder blades. The pain, which had remained silent for most of the day, began to slowly radiate in a straight line through and into my chest area. Before, when my daughter has asked me for money I reacted and so this is a point I’m aware of and have been applying self-forgiveness for. It’s very interesting when the pain starts, because it’s like my physical body is giving me an alert to assist myself to focus on my breathing.

Continuing here further with self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to thus move myself through this point in self-corrective application.
moving through
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of anxiety and dread where I fear that when my daughter asks me for money that I will react in irritation and ultimately regret and within this, I see, realize and understand that my reaction is coming from a pattern as a memory/construct within my mind according to how our relationship used to be, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a memory/construct/habit that is actually only real because I keep accepting, allowing and thus making it real.

I commit myself to stop this pattern of my mind that I have given permission for.

I commit myself to releasing the control I have given myself permission for within my mind with regards to how I have accepted and allowed the idea and the mere mention of money to seize and control me through fear,  because I see, realize and understand that when I focus on breathing and remain in awareness of who I am in self-honesty then I am able to stand stable and move myself and make decisions according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand who I am capable of becoming free from the impulse within my mind to over react to the subject of money, to direct myself to change the nature of who I’ve been within the fear of my mind being in control of me, and to instead see, realize and understand that I Decide who I am, and I Choose to Stand Stable, Equal to and one in an agreement to change the inner me to one that will ultimately manifest my outer world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to move this point through in self-corrective application according to living as an example of how relationships can be transformed into and as agreements through self directing self walking according to what’s best for all.

For Relationship and Self-Support: DIP Lite
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Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

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Day 191: Empathy Pain

With having extra people living with us, it’s been somewhat of a challenge for me to direct myself effectively to blog. And, as much as I’m enjoying it, having a 2 year old here all the time is taking some getting used to. What I’ve been realizing the past few days is that I exhibit empathy to/towards my daughter in particular, and in doing so, I also internalize irritation and anger which I’m seeing creates a consequence for me as my physical body which ultimately manifests physical pain. This is actually cool because I see that empathy is a point that I have accumulated for quite some time so here I will be forgiving, releasing and re-committing myself to direct myself to walk the point through in self-corrective application.

empathy painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in and as empathy to/towards my daughter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the emotional pain of others where I unconsciously become addicted to the experience of myself within and as the manifested consequences of/as the physical irritation/anger within my mind/beingness in how I relate to and react – in particular to my adult daughter – where I try and help and/or align myself with her by taking on her emotional pain according to how I interpret her pain within my mind and how in doing so I compromise myself and others as myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how fear is always self-generated and event orientated in how I take an external event that occurs and interpret and internalize it as a starting point to generate fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a negative energy experience where I took the action of what another did personally and reacted shifting blame and responsibility onto them instead of taking responsibility for how and what I was experiencing within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape, conform and condition myself within this world according to how I create other people’s minds in my own wherein I imagine how they must be feeling and experiencing themselves thus basically taking on their pain as my pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use an external influence/event to create an internal experience within myself of which I then act as as an expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live vicariously through the perception within my mind as the idea I have of how my daughter may or may not be experiencing herself according to thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a means to wanting, needing and desiring to be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a self defined category of my mind as polarity friction/conflict between what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use empathy as a means for manipulating another human being to agree with my point of view in order to confirm the conditionings of my mind according to what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’ and according to how I’m existing in how I create other people’s minds in/as my own in how I perceive they’re feeling and experiencing themself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I’m creating other people’s minds in/as my own in how I perceive they’re feeling and experiencing themselves, that what I’m really doing is existing in self-interest in seeking to control other people’s feelings, emotions and basically their life.

When and as I see myself take on the emotional pain of others where I unconsciously become addicted to the experience of myself as the manifested consequences of/as the physical irritation/anger within my mind/beingness in how I relate to and/or react to my daughter through words as the definitions I’ve given to them, I stop, I breathe – I see realize and understand that in doing so I am actually resisting a point of real physical changethus I commit myself to investigate the definitions that I have given to words because I see, realize and understand that I’ve used words and  definitions as pictures within my mind and in doing so I have limited myself to expressions of my past and thus my words are not defined as life, but are instead trapped by definitions from my past, thus, I commit myself to stop.
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Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life

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Day 183: The bombs bursting in air

It’s known as one of the biggest days of the year for Oklahoma hunters – the deer gun season opened November 19th. We live about 11 miles from the nearest town, and for the last couple of days there has been a steady increase in the sound created by black powder rifles and muzzle loaders. I would describe the sound as more of a Boom than the crack one might expect to hear from that of a rifle.

We have 5 outside dogs and 2 inside dogs and the sound of what sounds like bombs bursting in the air frequently throughout the day is very frightening for them. They run and hide and have spent the entire day scared and anxious.

I’ve been paying close attention to my own reactions as well and I’ve noticed that every time I hear the boom I have a multitude of experiences that happen within me. Here I am going to investigate what exactly is going on within me and how to assist myself to stop and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear within me when I hear the boom as the sound from those who are shooting the black powder rifles and muzzle loaders and how within that I realize that my fear is existent within the fact that the shooting is coming from an unknown origin, meaning,  I have no idea who is actually doing the shooting nor what they are shooting at, thus who I am within hearing the shots fired is left entirely to the imagination of me as my mind which I’ve accepted to be directed entirely by/as through fear and the experience of negativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought/image within my mind where one of my dogs is ducking for cover to save itself from being hunted and killed by the hunter and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself opening my front door and yelling into the air and toward the sound of the boom – that the hunter might somehow hear me say: ‘Stop it, have some consideration for the animals’, and within that I forgive myself for imaging that I might come face to face with the hunter to tell him to ‘stop being so ignorant, to consider what it would be like to be the animal he hunts’ – because when I put myself in the shoes of the hunter, I see myself in how I have existed in fear as the will to survive and how I’ve used that will to suppress myself to such an extent that I’ve not stopped to consider anyone except myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I hear the sound of the muzzle loader being shot and have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘they’re fucking assholes’ and/or ‘that pisses me off’, it’s because within myself I am taking a negative experience of myself and using ego to turn it into a positive experience, through judging those who hunt and for believing myself as more superior than them, when in actuality, I feel inferior to them, and instead of investigating why and how it is that I feel inferior/superior, I avoid taking self-responsibility by projecting blame onto them because the fact is, I don’t want to see how I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as more than the animal that’s being hunted, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the memory I have of an experience I had when I was younger – where on more than one occasion and by different adults I was taught that the value of the human is far more superior that of the animal and how in that moment I made the decision and lived the decision and I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I to was more superior and more important than any animal that exists and for how guilty I have felt within myself for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I hear the boom sound of the muzzle loader/rifle being fired, that within me to the depths of my being for a split second, I become enraged, and as I look deeper within myself, I see that my anger is not with someone ‘out there’, my anger is within and as me – anger at myself for how I have neglected to take a long hard look at who I am as ego and greed, and for how I have taken pride in being able to buy and have and enjoy pretty much whatever I wanted, and never once within that did I stop to consider who had to suffer in order for me to live and have and exist as I have/do, nor have I ever taken full self-responsibility for who I am and how I have existed as within our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when writing the words: ‘The bombs bursting in air’, to feel guilt and shame for the fear I felt when I heard gunshots, when the fact is, around our world millions are in threat of losing their life at any moment due to wars where explosives are killing women and children and destroying homes because war is good for economic growth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for how as humans we display and parade around the results of our obvious abusive nature, expecting trophy’s from one another to represent our desire for prestige for the act of being a murderer of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how through self-interest and greed I overlooked a most important point – the role that money plays in this deadly equation of the hunter and the hunted – that when we follow the trail of money we see that the human is in fact subject to the rules of money in his attempt to survive according to the rules of the system – where the animal to a certain extent is not, because the animal is able to provide for itself without a job and/or a cash advance, thus the animal is closer to being free, aware and far more intelligent than the human is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the overall discomforting feeling of tension within and as my physical body when I hear the firing of the guns are the result of what I accept and allow in that, when I accept and allow the death of another living being as the result of my own gross negligence in and as greed and self-interest, that I am in that moment accepting and allowing who I am as cancer itself to slowly grow within and as me and throughout our world/reality/existence.

When and as I see myself existing in fear when I hear the sound of gunshots I stop, I breathe – I commit myself to if possible investigate who and where the shots are being fired from and to educate myself to the goings on within my physical environment/world/reality.

I commit myself to realize that in every moment of breath I have the ability to direct myself to stop who I am in/as fear and to investigate my world/reality/existence as well as to investigate alternative ways to assist my animals to be comfortable and free from fear.

I commit myself to do everything I can to provide a safe and healthy environment for the animals I have accepted responsibility for.

I commit myself to an awareness of myself breathing thus when and as I see myself become irritated when I hear shots being fired and/or at my neighbor, that I will stop and realize that yelling out at anyone in anger is Not the solution, thus, I will myself through self-corrective application to first forgive myself so that I will see clear of anger and thus be able to assist others as myself.

I commit myself to focus on myself breathing so that I may realize what I’ve forgotten in that when I’m reACTING I’m hiding.

I commit myself to show that anger is the product of dANGER in how we have accepted and allowed our world to exist where life is a struggle to overcome the dangers of having no money with the results being that of death and starvation to thousands upon thousands.

I commit myself to when I experience myself as feeling ashamed that I stop and breathe and investigate who and what I’m existing as that I have justified as a reason to exist in and as shame.

I commit myself to in every situation where life is lost/starved/murdered to investigate the role that money plays in manifesting and creating it into our very existence.

I commit myself to show that war will Never be the solution for peace because to many have much to profit from war and that the real solution for peace will come with Equal Money.

Day 182: It’s Not Personal – it’s PERSONALITY

“Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” ~ Meg Ryan from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’

I used to believe that I loved that quote from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’, because I believed that’s how it should be between people. Personal. I’ve since realized how the whole idea of being in a personal relationship with another person has been nothing more than personal conflicts – conflicts of personalities.

When we take things personal, it’s because within our mind we’re acting according to whatever character or personality we’re existing as – where we have a complete storyline going on within our mind as we participate in thoughts, feelings and emotions which we beLIEve to be real. We don’t realize how the story begins and ends in self-interest and ego while we’re busy existing in and as the energy that it takes to maintain the experience we believe we’re having.

So the point I’m looking at here is personality and experience – which began with fear.  Fear that began when my partner communicated to me his recent thoughts – which he’d been stopping, but nevertheless thoughts he’d been having with regards to his desire to receive attention from female coworkers – which he realized is/was an attempt to validate his own negative experience to change it into a positive one.  As he shared with me,  I thought it was very cool,  and I was pleased with how we were communicating.

But then, later that night when I went to sleep, I woke up after having a dream where there was only a brief image, an image of my partner in the arms of someone else, an image that in my past I had often been aware of but had always dismissed it but after seeing it in my sleep I noticed how I was suppressing myself and how I was left with a gloomy depressed feeling that I can not trust anyone.

As I’ve been walking this process, one thing I know for sure is that everything I experience within and without is a direct reflection of myself.  And I realize that I’ve never been able to trust myself, yet, I see how my mindset changed towards my partner and I realize that I have to investigate this point further because I see how I’m pulling away and separating myself further and further from him. Which means I’m pulling away and separating myself further from myself.

I also noticed the internal conversation/ backchat within my mind that was repeating – where I was telling myself over and over: ‘it’s not personal’. Yet, the many character’s and personalities that I exist as within my mind ‘felt’ that it was very personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the origin of personality begins in/with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personal because I see, realize and understand that what ‘feels’ personal is in conflict with a personality I’m existing as within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ rejection and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that when I fear rejection it’s because I accept myself as imperfect, unsatisfactory, and/or useless and powerless, thus I forgive myself for judging myself through the eyes and ears of consciousness as fear and comparison of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, unwanted with no way to provide for myself and within that not realizing that when I accept the fear of being alone and unwanted and fearful that I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself, it’s because I don’t trust myself and instead of investigating myself in self-honesty as to why and how come I don’t trust myself, I project that separation/fear onto others – when the fact is, when I direct myself in self-honesty according to what’s best for all and catch a glimpse of what it is to Not exist in separation from myself and others as myself, that’s when I comprehend how the fear of self/others diminish, and I begin to establish a point of self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I pursue someone/something for energy, such as love and happiness, that within my pursuit of ‘it’ I’m separating myself from myself as ‘it’, thus ‘it’ (for example: love and happiness) becomes more than me, thus why I exist in fear of and am able to be controlled and directed by ‘it’ as me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought/image within my mind of my partner smiling in the arms of someone else, and I see how the image is important because when I see that image within my mind, I experience guilt and shame, because within that image holds a memory of myself as my own past behavior and the deceptive nature I once existed as, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself and my partner as I tried to escape from the negative depressed state of mind and experience I was having of myself by seeking for attention outside our relationship as a way of validating myself and thus providing myself with a positive energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character/personality of and as my mind where I am only concerned about whether or not I am having a positive energy experience – one which serves it’s purpose by stroking my own ego and for the depths of evil that I have existed as within my mind when/as I’m am seeking for attention, just so I can try and believe that I’m having the ultimate experience – one where all I want to do is to relieve myself from feeling negative, so much so, that I haven’t stopped and considered the consequences of my experience and how it manifests in the lives of others within and as my world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a “I told myself so’ attitude towards my partner, where in fear I believe I can’t trust him and thus I imagine myself walking away and informing him that I will not be mistreated, that I would rather be alone and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my imagination in this plays out exactly how I have existed as towards myself, where when I realize I am facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed as my past and my behavior, that I will hide within myself and pout and feel sorry for myself and as such I can’t forgive myself and thus I never reach a point of real substantial change within, and as a result I continue repeating the same mindset/patterns over and over and the results are manifested within and as me as my physical body and world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘It’s not personal” and ‘he can’t be trusted’ that what I am doing is accepting myself within a point of self-denial where I distract myself through judging others because I secretly judge myself for not facing myself and directing myself in self-honesty within and as a point of self-correction and self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and condemn my partner as being the reason for my perception of myself as being unhappy, because I see, realize and understand that I have existed within the belief that in order for me to be happy then I must have a positive energetic experience, and if I am having a negative experience then I must be unhappy and within that, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the true nature of my thought participation which will assist me to understand how and why I experience myself the way that I am.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an abdication of self and life in such denial that I will manifest within my stomach a sinking feeling and a feeling of nausea, therefore, I commit myself to stop existing in self-denial through living behind the characters and personalities of and as my mind as memories and patterns that I realize are preprogrammed from my parents and society, and to instead commit myself to stop manifesting the physical consequences of self-dishonesty by committing myself to myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically manifest the consequences within and as my physical body of and as infection due to how I have existed in and as rejection where I deny myself as who I’ve been and what I’ve accepted and allowed as evil and abuse to continue to exist within and as myself and my world as myself.

I commit myself to when I feel fear to stop and investigate who I am as it.

I commit myself to stop taking things personally and if and when I see that I am taking something personal, I stop, I breathe – instead I slow myself down and bring it back to self to see how and what self is existing as, to thus forgive and walk the self-corrective application to redesign what self has accepted and allowed and realign self with and as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to realize that I have always existed as some sort of character and/or personality because that is how I have hid from myself in fear, and I see, realize and understand that in self-honesty I am able to redirect myself to reach a point of self-intimacy and establish self-trust.

I commit myself to breathe and become aware of and forgive myself for when I’m searching for and/or existing in negative and positive energy experiences.

I commit myself to changing myself through Desteni I Process and walking the Journey to Life because I see, realize and understand that it is only through changing myself within, that I will be able to walk as a living example and effectively support a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to STOP seeking attention because in seeking I am stroking my ego and existing in self-interest which is unacceptable, thus, I commit myself to breathe and walk with gratitude for/as self.

I commit myself to stop rejecting myself and my world as myself in fear of what I may discover.

Day 165: On the take

The point I’m seeing within myself and am applying self-forgiveness for is manipulation and the extent that I have seen that I will go in how I have manipulated myself and others in my attempt at surviving within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘on the take’, where I’ve lived my life always seeking to take from what is here yet never willing to give unconditionally to all that which I believed I had the right to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bombard myself with secret fears of giving in to the desires of my mind thus ‘taking from’ that which gives me life as who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am on the take I am willing to use, abuse and manipulate to get what I want when I want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I will tell you what you want to hear to try and make you trust me and then I will swoop in and thank you for giving me that which you swore you would never let go of because that’s how evil lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I have one goal in mind and that is that I am always looking for ways to make money and I won’t care who has to go without in order for me to reach my goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I am on the take I am accepting and allowing myself to be used up within a world/money system that plays us against each other and yet we don’t realizes the odds are always in favor of the world/money system as the win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my life always feeling like I had to look out for me and if that meant that I had to take from others then so be it, and within that not realizing that I was never actually living because I was constantly paying for the service of being able to live.

When and as I see myself thinking about ways to take from others instead of giving – I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is vital that I direct me as my mind instead of my mind directing me. Thus, I commit myself to stop existing in self-interest and greed and stop manipulating others and to instead ground myself here standing in support of a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to facing who I am as the role that I play within our current world/money system.

I commit myself to slow myself down and stop allowing myself to rush through my life as I see, realize and understand that in my rushing I have been abusing myself and others as myself.

I commit myself to not give up on myself as I continue walking this process because I see, realize and understand how I have been manipulating myself in how I’ve been participating in thoughts of fear and frustration according to some recent pain and changes within and as my physical body.