For Context Read: Day 276: Death of a Pet
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when Remmy died based upon how I’ve reacted in the past when I’ve lost an animal, and for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within a positive energy experience, which accumulates and contributes to the physical moment of shock, trauma and stress upon my physical body, and then when the nature of life as death comes, I’m not prepared, because I didn’t understand the nature of our relationship in the first place, thus unable to in that moment direct myself effectively, free from reaction, shock, trauma and ultimately stress upon and within my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within and during short and/ or long term relationships – where if something happens to someone that I have a relationship with – whether they go missing, or leave, or die – I experience not only ‘emotional’ shock, trauma and stress, but also shock, trauma and stress to my ‘physical body’ – where my heart races and my breathing is fast, and then my entire physical body will become shaky and weak, so much so that within me I lose the ability to properly direct myself free from the energy of the emotion / fear, thus I attempt to manipulate myself and others by trying to hide my inner turmoil, and in doing so, I not only suppress myself but I fail to remain in awareness of myself, thus I miss seeing how it is actually my own thoughts, feelings and emotions that I’m reacting to thus why I’m unable to find stability to direct myself within the reality of who I am within whatever point I’m facing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to Remmy according to a positive feeling energy, in how I felt comfort and safety whenever I was around him, and even in the way he would look at me, and I forgive myself for how the consequence of such definition will set the stage for fear of loss and sadness to accumulate and develop within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find comfort within a positive energetic experience based upon ideas that I’ve made up within my mind, – ideas that slowly over the years have accumulated to be more than what my actual physical world/reality relationship with Remmy was, therefore, I forgive myself for not seeing the reality and polarity that finding comfort in an illusion / idea within my mind and for the consequences that doing so creates within and as my physical body.
When and as I see myself as my mind having been triggered by an image of Remmy laying dead in the road – where then the positive energetic memories I have of Remmy are disconnected and the energy of sadness comes up, I Stop, I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that these are connections that are mostly energetically based on feelings and emotions because when the disconnect happens, sadness comes up in polarity as a negative energetic experience begins to develop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the death and dying of others to become my story for the taking, to use for self interest purposes where within my mind I seek to escape the fear of facing myself within the fear of loss to fuel my mind as the energy in order to gain attention to / for myself as a weird way of trying to validate myself to myself for myself.
When and as I see myself going into this particular mind-set in polarity, I Stop, I Breathe, instead, I Commit myself to direct myself to disengage all participation in thoughts, emotions and/or feelings in relation to what is being triggered and to instead focus on asking myself the question: who am I in relation to this point and why am I suppressing myself within a false sense of hope because for me, when hope exists I can use it as a tool to see when I’m hiding in my own fear of death and / or loss of self.
I Commit myself to investigate the nature of who I am within my current relationships, to take any positive energy experience that I may have with another and to write down the words as well as how I will specifically support myself in changing those positive words into actual practical physical living expressions as myself.