Archive | October 2012

Day 168: Incomplete as Postponement

I’ve realized something about myself today in how I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted when I’m writing and posting my blogs. Recently, I’ve been experiencing some physical pain and sitting in front of the computer seems to aggravate the pain and as a result, I’ve hurried through writing self-forgiveness and have ultimately screwed myself, because I’ve left myself feeling incomplete. However, in self-honesty, I know that this is a point that I’ve always existed as.

What’s interesting is, I can remember the same feeling, like an incompleteness when I was a child. This brought up the memory of when I would get home from school when I was young. My mom would have a full set of chores lined up for me to do and I would hurry through them so that I would be sure and have time to go play with my friends.


In the hurry I would begin to feel as if I was leaving myself behind or like the presence of myself was incomplete. I am now realizing how this is a point of  postponement.  Not taking self-responsibility because I just wanted to play and experience myself as having fun doing what I wanted to do.  And I have been still walking the same pattern in my committment in walking my Journey to Life

Therefore, I commit myself to slowing myself down, breathing, and allowing myself to basically stand up and begin again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was a child, develop an idea within myself of what responsibility meant according to the negative experience I had of myself when I first attempted to be responsible and therefore, almost without my even knowing it, I accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility as something that meant ‘I have to work’, and/or that ‘I have to do something that I don’t want to do’, and within that I began to have fear swell up within me in my mind as an image where I would see my friends playing outside and having fun without me, and because I valued myself according to how many friends liked me, I seen responsibility as sort of a deal breaker. because ‘the chores’ that I had to do which were ‘my responsibility’, kept me from being part of the fun and interrupted my idea of what I needed to participate in so that ‘my friends’ would like me, thus, I developed a plan where with every chore my mom assigned for me, I would do just enough on the surface to make it appear like I had done the job thoroughly but if/when my mom looked closely, she would see that I hadn’t done the necessary deep cleaning and therefore my responsibility was incomplete thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue similar patterns throughout my life and thus have always postponed taking self-responsibility and have always left myself feeling incomplete because I’ve not been willing to slow myself down, breathe and give myself the chance to see into me.

to be continued…

Day 167: The Insanity of Humanity

“This is the most catastrophic event that we have faced and been able to plan for in any of our lifetimes” ~  Connecticut Gov. Dan Malloy said of Hurricane Sandy that could affect as many as 60 million people.

How insane does one have to be to actually believe the above quote by the Governor?

What about the following fact that was documented almost a year ago to the day?

Fact: The Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) of the United Nations, on October 31, 2011 proved that there are over 1 billion people in the world today who are at risk of starving to death because they do not get enough food to eat. That’s one in 7 people on Earth who don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

Folks, that is a REAL CATASTROPHIC event.

And, it’s happening daily because we have yet to support the Solution that will bring it to an end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a catastrophe is that which will take away my electricity, entertainment and/or my warm bed and cozy lifestyle all the while never considering the fact that 1 billion people throughout our world spend every single day wondering if they’ll be able to eat and have clean water to drink.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear becoming tired about life, about surviving with the fear and the pain that I have held within me as the part of me that already gave up and gave in to our current world system of money that I call life but which is actually day to day living in excess as ego, manipulation, self-interest and greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by my mind and by money, where when I have extra money to spend I feel like life is worth living and I don’t give a damn about the suffering of others, but when I’m short on money, I feel gloomy, uncared for and lost within my mind in and as anger, fear, self-interest and resentment feeling like I’m being done wrong, when the fact is, I am responsible for how I continue to support my own enslavement to a money system that is in itself, a CATASTROPHE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing the hardest part of me where I experience myself holding in and onto pain both mentally and physically – which I’m beginning to understand is connected to our system of money – thus I commit myself to stop participating within and as feelings and memories which I’ve held onto as desires to have that which I craved in order to have and feel more special than anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my own survival above everything and everyone else within this world and thus never stopped and considered those who have nothing, who go days without food and water and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world/money system that doesn’t support the physical body of every living being first and foremost including our physical world/reality/ existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how throughout my life I have literally maintained a level of insanity as a possession of my mind because I actually believed that I must work to have more than my neighbor and thus believed material possessions were more important than seeing to it that every living being live a life of dignity equal and one according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the physical consequences of supporting a world/money system that only supports youth, vigor and appearance and throws away that which is penniless, broke, old and apparently no longer of use the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve allowed my mind to direct me instead of me directing as my mind and thus have lived the life of a selfish fool so much so that when I was younger I believed that I would surely not be susceptible to growing old, that somehow I would be young forever and within that denial of self I was already dying because I failed to nurture, care for and support the most important part of myself as my physical body, our physical reality and each other.

Day 166: It’s Not You – It’s Me

I have memories of me as a child where in my mind I would imagine what it would feel like to be special in the eyes of my parents. The imagination game within my mind required that I become certain characters dependent upon how I wanted to experience myself. Within that, I mentally dragged my sister along and ultimately blamed her when things didn’t go my way. And actually, I’ve done this with everyone I’ve ever had a relationship with, therefore, I will begin with the following self-forgiveness as I investigate myself further in realizing – that everything and anything that bothered me about my sister and/or anyone or anything that bothers me for that matter – I can be sure that the same exists within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and lonely so much that all I lived for was that moment when I experienced a positive energetic charge within myself that gave me a feeling of well being and I didn’t care what lie I had to tell or who got hurt in the process of me getting high on that feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my mind on an idea and according to that idea shut myself off to everyone within my world where I won’t actually hear or see how another being is actually experiencing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for how and what I can do, get and have to make the experience of myself a positive and happy one and within that never considered how and who will have to experience themselves in a negative way under horrible circumstances in order to fulfill my self-serving tendencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the evil that exists within me when I judge what I perceive as someone being a ‘failure’ and how I will take from their negative energy experience a false sense of self where I see myself as being better than and thus believing myself within a positive energy experience so that I can reach that feeling good about myself place,  not realizing that in order to have happy there must be sad – the same applies in that,  in order for there to be the rich, there must be the poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the failure of others as an opportunity to get attention and a way of making myself believe that i look better through the eyes of others as a result of someone else’s failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I am enjoying myself because of how I have harbored judgment and resentment toward people who I see are enjoying themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy myself because I fear that others will judge me because within my mind I have secretly judged them.

to be continued

Important Blogs to Read Daily:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Check out the New Desteni I Process Lite – – It’s Free!

Day 165: On the take

The point I’m seeing within myself and am applying self-forgiveness for is manipulation and the extent that I have seen that I will go in how I have manipulated myself and others in my attempt at surviving within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘on the take’, where I’ve lived my life always seeking to take from what is here yet never willing to give unconditionally to all that which I believed I had the right to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bombard myself with secret fears of giving in to the desires of my mind thus ‘taking from’ that which gives me life as who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am on the take I am willing to use, abuse and manipulate to get what I want when I want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I will tell you what you want to hear to try and make you trust me and then I will swoop in and thank you for giving me that which you swore you would never let go of because that’s how evil lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I have one goal in mind and that is that I am always looking for ways to make money and I won’t care who has to go without in order for me to reach my goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I am on the take I am accepting and allowing myself to be used up within a world/money system that plays us against each other and yet we don’t realizes the odds are always in favor of the world/money system as the win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my life always feeling like I had to look out for me and if that meant that I had to take from others then so be it, and within that not realizing that I was never actually living because I was constantly paying for the service of being able to live.

When and as I see myself thinking about ways to take from others instead of giving – I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is vital that I direct me as my mind instead of my mind directing me. Thus, I commit myself to stop existing in self-interest and greed and stop manipulating others and to instead ground myself here standing in support of a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to facing who I am as the role that I play within our current world/money system.

I commit myself to slow myself down and stop allowing myself to rush through my life as I see, realize and understand that in my rushing I have been abusing myself and others as myself.

I commit myself to not give up on myself as I continue walking this process because I see, realize and understand how I have been manipulating myself in how I’ve been participating in thoughts of fear and frustration according to some recent pain and changes within and as my physical body.

Day 164: Innerspace

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated within myself where within me as my physical body I feel as if I’m experiencing myself as having to push myself through the great barrier reef of suppressed self-judgment and emotions which I have attached a definition of myself to which reads failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when within my mind I hear, ‘suck it up and ignore the pain within yourself’, to not realize that I’m manipulating and justifying who I am so much so that I reach a point of the grandest of self illusions -where I’ve got no clue who and/or what character or personality will show up as me when I stand before friends and family who know me best in how I’ve always pretended to be what I perceive they expect me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my mind exist as crooked, dishonest and basically someone who has been full of shit in how I become angry towards my children and my partner, and then have the nerve to wonder why I have pain in and as my physical body which in itself feels crooked with kinks in it, and within that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how through the relationships I have with my children and my partner, I have suppressed myself in and as guilt, shame and regret and where I direct myself as such through and as emotions inward unto me as my physical body which causes within me a sense of loss which I then define myself as in fear of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not able to forgive me for the mother I have been in how I raised my children in and as self-interest, fear and greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when experiencing pain within and as my physical body to participate in the thought, ‘I can’t do this, it’s to painful’.

When and as I see myself go into fear where I tighten up and suppress myself and become characters and personalities that I see, realize and understand compound into and manifest systems within me as my physical body – I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to me as my physical body and this physical reality first and foremost to thus begin to be a living example of life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to forgiving me for the definition I have lived of myself as,  ‘a mom who failed her children’, and to redefine myself according to me as a mom breathing and walking here with both feet on the ground walking in and as self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop going emotionally bankrupt within and as my mind where I suppress within me raging systems of and consciousness as shame, regret and fear of loss.

I commit myself to forgive myself for the guilt I’ve existed as of not being the mother to my children that gives way to allow their child to express who they may become as life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to accept the breath of life unto and as all of me as my physical body.

“I commit myself to remind each one that we are all guests on Earth and we have abused the hospitality of Earth and created an Asylum and Hospital out of Earth searching for Feelings of energy in Self-interest. Earth will no longer tolerate the abuse and we as Humanity will now face our final our within which each one must decide who The I will be, Life or Self Interest. There is no one that can deny that deep inside this hour has always been expected.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 163: Don’t put them in your mouth

I kept my 2 year old granddaughter today and I found a box of glass marbles hidden away on a top shelf in my closet so I decided it would be fun to share them with her. Obviously, I knew in common sense that I would not leave her unsupervised with them. So, the two of us sat on the floor and began to hold them and touch them and that’s when I began to see how one line of thought had been triggered just by touching them, and my mind wanted me to tell her: “Don’t put them in your mouth”.

I resisted saying it out loud for a moment as I breathed and stopped the thought, but then, I saw her pick one of the marbles up and gently touch it to her cheek. When I saw her do that I immediately reacted and I heard myself say: “don’t put them in your mouth”. She kind of shook her head up and down when she heard me and continued to investigate every inch of each one of them.

She was really enjoying them but as for me, I was fidgety and having difficulty enjoying the moment because I had an image/thought within my mind where I saw her putting one in her mouth and within that I became fearful.  And again I had the urge to tell her: “don’t put them in your mouth”.

How crazy is it when you know you’re not going to leave a small child alone with something that they could easily swallow but within your head, your mind is like repeating illusions of your own fear over and over. I mean, what ends up happening is, we project our illusion of fear onto the child until they act out and become the very thing within our mind we fear will happen!

Thus, here I will be investigating / walking self-forgiveness of the dimensions of the line of thought: “Don’t put them in your mouth”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and become distracted in the thought “don’t put them in your mouth” where within me the thought became more important than my physical reality moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the image/thought within my mind of a marble being physically put into the mouth and choked on and/or causing death to an invisible image within my mind where I imprinted the face of and projected my fear upon my granddaughter within and as a feeling of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the very thought of  my granddaughter choking on a marble so much so that the thought itself is able to change the very nature of who I become simply because there was marbles in the room, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to know that I am able to be responsible and that I will not leave a small child in the room with something like marbles especially since I realize in common sense that small children have an instinct to put things in their mouth as they explore their world, thus, I’m not stupid, I know in common sense that I must remain aware of the child, and I see, realize and understand that it is Not necessary to fear such images/thoughts within my mind because i know I am directing and standing responsible for the child to ensure their safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally be afraid of the line of thoughts as words within my mind of “don’t put them in your mouth” because I see, realize and understand how those words for me represented fear within me because me as my mind accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied by the idea of fear of loss of control.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to when I saw my granddaughter touch the marble to her face have a reaction within myself where I immediately had to stop the urge to repeat to her that she was not to put the marbles in her mouth, when I knew within myself that she was only exploring the coolness of the touch of the marble on her face, and I see, realize and understand how the constant repetitive behaviors as reactions of/as fear is how I / we manifest and create consequences within our world that we so desperately try and escape from.

When and as I see myself experiencing a line of thought where I allow myself to become distracted and focus on an image/thought pattern within my mind which is triggered by something within my present moment – I stop and I breathe – I see, realize and understand that the repeating thought pattern is of and as a past memory of which I realize has no real control of who I am in this moment unless I allow it, thus I commit myself to through self-forgiveness in self-honesty re-design myself free from the memory where marbles once held a place of fear within me according to how I defined myself within and as it.

I commit myself to stop reacting and projecting fear onto my granddaughter based upon a memory and creating within me a point of fear of loss according to a repeating thought pattern.

I commit myself to see, realize that in self-honesty I am able to will myself to stop patterns of fear within and as my mind as consciousness and to direct myself to remain here within the moment of breath to enjoy myself interacting and enjoying each moment I’m given of and as life.

Day 162: Blast from the Past

Today I received a phone call from a friend from my past that I haven’t spoken to in just over 5 years. The first thing I noticed when we started talking was an awkward silence and the realization that the connection we used to have between us, was simply not there.

However, our mind uses memory to compensate for those moments of awkwardness and it wasn’t long before the manipulation tactics began and I became aware of the familiarity in how our minds were seeking to rekindle those old feelings we once believed were so special between us. In a flash of a moment I was reminded of the direction that I had once chosen as I accepted and allowed my mind to guide me in the direction that would best benefit the self-interest of us both. I sat there looking within myself and realized that here was a peculiar moment I was fortunate to be witness to.

In one sense, the future as my past with the friend and me appeared the same as it had always been and yet, the fact of the matter was, something was entirely different, changed. It was then that I breathed in the relief that it was me who had moved from that particular space and time and was walking in a completely different direction.

I was surely grateful for the moment.  And, I am grateful for the Life Skills I’ve learned and applied through Desteni I Process, because that is how I’ve been able to assist myself to decide who I am within this moment, and for the clarity of my choice in the direction I am walking – to not settle for anything less than the decision I stand by and as, to walk my life according to what’s best for all.

LOL,, was interesting, how the phone call just sort of ended, with barely even a good bye.

Above Artwork by Lindsay Craver