Tag Archive | marriage

Day 279: When you say nothing at all

Wanting to blame my partner for how I experience myself is unacceptable, but I want to nonetheless. The thoughts in my head tell the story of how “he” doesn’t have anything to say to me that hasn’t been said a hundred times before. And the thought that comes forth from there is ‘that’s what happens when you’ve been with someone for 22 years’.  As I continue to investigate I realize there’s really something else going on…

When I participate in specific thoughts, an energy arises from within me that begins in the pit of my stomach and ever so slowly moves upward toward my head region. For a moment there is a slight energetic excitement and I realize how within my mind, I want to say something to my partner. I want to tell him how to be and how he should act toward me. I want him to validate me so I can stop ‘feeling bad’ about myself and I mean, how strange is it really to desire such attention and control over another person…

As I stop and breathe,  I realize I’ve been here before.  The experience of self pity is a negative emotion and as I investigate deeper I see how I feel physically and mentally tired – which makes sense considering how when I participate in certain thoughts like, ‘why doesn’t he say something’, how that stimulates and or triggers the emotion of self pity which in itself seeks to reach for some kind of self validation.

why do i feel so badThe thing is, self pity keeps me stuck in a pit within myself. It’s like a pit stop within where I hold myself within a sort of a gut wrenching fear. The fear to look on, to investigate who I am, to continue to READ the story, My Story. To see who I am within what I’m accepting and allowing within my fear to face All of me. As I continue to investigate I am able to see where and when I began to ‘feel bad‘…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for being the reason for me having a negative experience of myself when what’s going on within me actually has nothing at all to do with how my partner is or isn’t behaving.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s not always the emotion of self pity that is the source point but actually the outflow consequence of the actual source point which is the ‘feeling bad’ emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a relationship with myself wherein I attack myself within my mind within self judgment statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to self judgment as the thought comes up about myself of, ‘I’m not living up to my full potential‘, and for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘feeling bad’ emotion through participating in thoughts of self judgment which activates the’ self pity emotion’ and for what follows, which is ‘when’ I begin to seek validation, attention and / or recognition from someone and /or something outside myself such as in this instance, where I began to project frustration and anger to / towards my partner.

When and as I see myself having thoughts that are self judging, I stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to see this as a red flag for me to know it’s time to direct myself, to in self honesty investigate what it is that’s coming up within me that’s creating the ‘energy of feeling bad’ which is actually using my own mind against myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I manipulate myself through self judgment and self pity, what I’m doing is reacting to my own mind, where I use whatever thoughts necessary to distract myself, even if it means blaming others, just so long as I don’t have to face who I am as the story and the characters/personalities that I have lived my entire life as.

I commit myself to stop abdicating myself as Life through self judgment, manipulation, blame and self pity.

I commit myself to remain aware of and so Stop abusing myself deliberately through self judgment, which activates feeling bad emotions and me feeling sorry for myself, which leads to the self pity energy.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how to stop and change my relationship to self pity through stopping my participation in the ‘feeling bad’ reaction moment within myself.

I commit myself to utilize my memories as reference points to find when and where and why and towards who or what is it that the ‘feeling bad’ energy keeps activating from and ultimately producing the self pity energy.

I commit myself to let go of the energy of feeling bad and self pity.

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“I suggest, if you can Find it in you – you’re going to have to Look Very Deep to Find this: That you DO STOP, and Start your Process. It is Inevitable. You’re not going to get Away. There is No place to Hide. Every Single Energy, Every Single Thought, Every Single Thing you have EVER, in ANY WAY Conceived – leave a ‘Mark’, in your Book of Life. Make sure – it’s Worth Reading. Because, if it’s Not: There’s going to be a Consequence, and you can’t just ‘Wipe it Out’. You can Only take Responsibility for it through Self-Forgiveness, and from that perspective ‘Delete it’, in as much as, it will No Longer be the ‘You’ that will Create the Future – but, it will be the ‘You’ in the Past. And therefore you will Live in the ‘Present’, in every Moment – Living, Presenting, Being part of That which is Best for All, Always, which is what “Present” encompass, the HERE.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 251: Forgiving Self Betrayal

Today my partner drove and he and I went off doing a bit of travelling through the backwoods of pawnee and creek county. So we were going along this stretch of road and I began to notice how the road was triggering a memory I have of myself from long ago, and then, an uneasiness began deep within my gut/stomach. I also noticed my breathing was becoming slightly labored and my heartbeat slightly increased and my energy/stamina level began to drop – kind of like the way a person will experience themselves when their sugar level drops.

the suffering of othersSo, just as we were about to come to the place where we would turn off the winding road we were travelling on, I began to experience a pull from within the center of my chest area… A dull pain began in my upper back and chest area and I felt as if I was being sucked into some sort of vortex within my mind and it was then that I chose to let go of the past memory/energy that was begging my participation and it was then that I realized, ‘damn, this is what betrayal feels like, insignificance, fear, and self betrayal’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand that betrayal is that of blame, and how within my experience of inSIGNificance, there were SIGNS for me to see – how when I felt betrayed by something or someone, it was because I conditionally placed my faith and my trust and ultimately my responsibility for me, for my life – I placed it in the hands of another – I gave my life over to another separate form me – giving responsibility for myself to another, instead of taking responsibility for my own life and my own life experiences – then when my life hasn’t worked out the way I wanted it to, I felt betrayed by them, when the fact is, I handed over my life to them, I gave them responsibility of me and ultimately, I became angry.

Therefore, I forgive myself for the anger of betraying myself – for not taking self responsibility for my life and for how I experienced myself, and for suppressing that which I was really experiencing, blaming the experience and my situation on others, on the world, on society as a whole, yet all along presenting to the world that I’m fine, that I’m strong – betraying/deceiving myself and those within my world – blaming others for my own betrayal and deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so engulfed in the fear of taking responsibility that I accepted and allowed my physical body to become petrified, frozen in/as self betrayal and self denial.

Redefining Self Betrayal:

When and as I see myself giving myself over to another and suppressing myself within a point of insignificance which leads to self denial and self betrayal, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern within and as my mind – that I Am Willing myself to Stop, to re-design myself, to take Self-responsibility for myself and the World as myself.

I commit myself to let go of the idea’s that I’ve existed as within and as my past relationships to who I am within and as self betrayal.

I commit myself to Stop self denial.

I commit myself to take Self-Responsibility for myself and Stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

I commit myself to changing who I am as my mind/physical body within and as this physical reality/existence as one who is Not a betrayer of self, but is instead Standing within and as the Directive Principal of what I see, realize and understand as the utmost importance, to assist in bringing forth a World where All Life is given to Equally within the Principle of What’s Best for All.

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 245: House of Cards

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me physically as I’ve been continuing my alternative treatment plan for cancer. With not feeling very well I’m hesitant to admit that I’ve been watching a little bit of television, and after having researched the topic, have become somewhat educated about how our political/money system operates.

So, it’s interesting, how the facts about how our world exists are everywhere to be understood if only we’ll use what is here and educate ourselves further and then, change it to serve us with a solution that will be Best for All – instead of accepting and allowing the rules of the Elite to Enslave us.
house of cards
The particular television show that I’ll be referring to is called ‘House of Cards‘. The show centers around Francis Underwood who is basically a Majority Whip who has his hands in/on every secret in politics, and, is willing to betray anyone and everyone in his attempt to become President.  Now obviously this is a television series however, research for yourself to see how accurate the moves within it are.

Alright so, if you don’t know, here’s the definition of a Majority Whip:

“an official in a political party whose primary purpose is to ensure party discipline in a legislature. Whips are a party’s “enforcers”, who typically offer inducements and threaten punishments for party members to ensure that they vote according to the official party policy. A whip’s role is also to ensure that the elected representatives of their party are in attendance when important votes are taken. The usage comes from the hunting term “whipping in”, i.e. preventing hounds from wandering away from the pack.” ~ Wikipedia

‘Party discipline’ is also important to understand

“Party discipline is the ability of a parliamentary group of a political party to get its members to support the policies of their party leadership. In liberal democracies, it usually refers to the control that party leaders have over their caucus members in the legislature. Party discipline is important for all systems of government that allow parties to hold political power because it determines the degree to which the governmental infrastructure will be affected by legitimate political processes.” ~Wikipedia

So, how does one get it’s members to support certain policies and how is ‘party discipline’ enforced? With Money.  Money is what gives one the Power. Now, the Lobbyist plays a key role in how the Power roles shift and are Inflated with Money and are backed by Major Corporations/ Elite who are the only ones who have the money it takes to enforce such ‘party discipline’.

What industries spend the most Money on Lobbying?

The following data was recorded by the Senate Office of Public Records. The top 10 industries for 2009 were:

Pharmaceuticals/Health Products – $199,323,702

Insurance – $122,065,251

Oil & Gas – $120,669,855

Electric Utilities – $108,163,536

Business Associations – $92,696,817

Computers/Internet – $88,847,937

Misc Manufacturing & Distributing – $84,363,782

TV/Movies/Music – $77,861,927

Hospitals/Nursing Homes – $77,465,842

Education – $73,913,389

“If you’re good at this game, you’ve provided your congressional quarterback with everything under the sun—including fundraisers, golf outings, travel, meals, and premium event tickets. Now you’re on your way. The American people may not know the details of what you just did, but they kind of suspect it’s happening and they hate it. And they should hate it, since it’s killing our country. Unfortunately, until we can change this system, that’s how the sausage is made.” ~Former Lobbyist Jack Abramoff

Yes, that’s how the sausage is made, it’s made of Money, a lot of Money and Deceit. It’s what keeps things as they are, where the majority continue to support the rich to become richer and most of us, we aren’t even educated enough to BEGIN to understand the basics of how this current money/political system operates. The fact is there will be no real Education reform because there is no profit to be made in that.

In fact, look again at the above numbers for proof that less and less is spent on Education reform and how what’s important and profitable is the Pharmaceutical/Drug Industry. All the while more than half of the federal prisoners incarcerated in 2010 were for drug crimes according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics.

Who of us has the Money to get a Bill to pass Congress anyway?  Only the Rich.

“I’m talking about giving a gift to somebody who makes a decision on behalf of the public. At the end of the day, that’s really what bribery is. But it is done everyday and it is still being done. The truth is there were very few members who I could even name or could think of who didn’t at some level participate in that.” ~ Former Lobbyist Jack Abramoff

That’s what it comes down to. This is how Countries are Governed. This is how Poverty exists and this is how the Systems that Govern our World operate and strangely enough, we’re OK with that.

I won’t pretend to know or understand every detail because I’m still Educating myself about how and why our current World/Money/Systems exists as they do.  However, what I do understand is that at some level,  we All realize that everything is Not OK.  How most of us are so busy trying to survive that we’ve failed to see that we’re not even aware of what we’re accepting and allowing.

There’s no time for blame and if we’re not even willing to see the facts – even as they’re presented to us even through the television shows we watch daily- if we’re not willing to change that which is enslaving us by our own hands, then folks, we’re in serious trouble. So much so that one can see how we bicker, compete and fight with each other, instead of coming together to bring about a Real Solution,  to bring an End to our own enslavement.

Our current world systems are run and operated by crooks who have all the money and it’s us,  the slaves who give them their power.   It’s Enough.

It’s simple. Educate yourself about the Living Income Guaranteed proposal.

If we’ve got the time to sit in front of the television,  then we better make time to study that which will set us free for real.

“People look at politicians and celebrities on the TV and the newspapers, glossy magazines – what do they see? “I’m just like them.” That’s what they say. “I’m special. I’m different. I could be any one of them.” Well guess what, you can’t. You know why? Cause in reality, mediocrity is where most people live. Mediocrity is the elephant in the room. It’s ubiquitous. Mediocrity in your schools. It’s in your dreams. It’s in your family. And those of us who know this – those of us who understand the disease of the dull – we do something about it. We do more because we have to. The deck was always stacked against us. You’re either a big leaguer, or you’re a slave clawing your way onto the “C” train.” ~ Former Lobbyist Jack Abramoff

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Consciousness have ensured the Value of Life as Equal for All, was replaced with the Race for Survival based on the Principles of Debt, to ensure that no Slave realize the Truth until Death by promoting unique Individualism of Consciousness, to ensure that No Groups form that Challenge the Status Quo – Leaving Life in a State of Woe, from which No One has been able to Escape throughout All of Human History, because until All are Equal and Free as Life: No One is Equal and Free.” ~ Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to SHOW that the Earth, as Nature Labor, Create the Environment within which Man Exist, But Man Learns Nothing from the Examples Given, and instead transform the Earth’s Labor into Money Consciousness with which to Enslave Each other.” ~ Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to SHOW that Science and Mathematics based on the Foundation that All Life is Created Equal, will Produce a Society that is Best for All Life “~ Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

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Also suggest watching the Documentary: Park Avenue: Money, Power and the American Dream

Day 178: Forego

For context read:
Day 176: Jumping to Conclusions
Day 177: Jumping to Conclusions – Part 2

Continuing here with Self-forgiveness for how I Jump to Conclusions and who and what I become as a result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to conclusions where I basically side step any point of self-responsibility because I’m to busy jumping from the frying pan into the fire so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions on behalf of myself as my mind as consciousness where an automated version of myself takes over and in doing so I forEGO the practicality of investigating for myself what is here what is best for all as opposed to what is only best for me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forEGO investigating who I am breathing in self-honesty because I have instead opted for-ego in a rat race which is to actually give up and do without – instead of living the solution of Equal Money where every living being will come together as one and through self-forgiveness release the resistance existent of and as the self-interested human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as ego to resist asking for assistance because I’ve not wanted to be seen as a burden to people and within that, not realizing how me as my mind as consciousness have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated and directed by who I am as ego, where I have forEGOne and/or determined in advance/jumped to a conclusion and accepted myself as a burden to myself and thus have followed the crowd and became who I believed I was supposed to be just to ‘fit in’ and never standing up even when I’ve known that something is seriously wrong within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forEGO/give up/ abdicate myself from life itself because I feared hurting someone’s feelings and/or I feared that so and so might not like me, when the fact is, when I’m breathing and directing myself in self-honesty, everything I ‘thought’ I feared no longer exists and for a moment I don’t have to fight for my so-called-freedom because within me free is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never understood the basic truth of/as life because in forEGOing the basic right of life as Equality for all living beings, I’ve put myself before everyone and everything where to live as ego is to die having never lived as life according to what is possible as Heaven on Earth as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the time of day yet I’ve given in to time is money and I forgive myself for how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live my life missing the most important part of myself as that which exists within and as everything and everyone that is here.

to be continued…

Day 177: Jumping to Conclusions – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to: Day 176: Jumping to Conclusions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I jump to conclusions about others it’s because I secretly fear being seen as a failure through the eyes of another as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I jumped to conclusion, what was really going on within me was that I was scared as hell to face what I saw as my own failure – failure and guilt for having gone through a divorce and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a failure in the eyes of God, and for believing that I failed in the union of something sacred, the union of marriage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have defined myself according to the word sacred and how I never realized hidden in the spelling and meaning is the word scared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to the conclusion that my step dad hated me and for the fear of being seen as a failure through the eyes of my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear being seen as a failure,  I have a tendency to jump to conclusions and within that I forgive myself for rushing and seeking and desiring and always looking outside of myself for some form of energetic experience because I believed it would make me feel alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I jump to conclusions I am actually accepting myself as having already failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I reach for a conclusion it’s because who I am as my mind has reached outside of myself to transform a negative experience into a positive  experience because I have accepted the belief that it is what I need to set me free – when in fact, it is only I that can set me free through and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear failure through the eyes of another it’s because within my mind I’m constantly competing all the while not realizing that I’m actually only ever in competition with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I come to a point of conclusion that I am in that moment settling for a reasoning that begins within the starting point of self-interest and greed – instead of directing myself according to what’s best for All.

to be continued

Day 176: Jumping to Conclusions

A few years ago a couple that I know separated and eventually filed for divorce. Most who knew them, were sure they had a chance of making it last.  Many, including myself described how they ‘felt’ about the split as being ‘heartbroken’.

The specifics of their divorce was kept very quiet, however, I do remember what my thoughts were even though at the time, I didn’t realize the full extent of how I was jumping to conclusions. In my secret mind I had come to the conclusion that it was mostly ‘her’ fault. As a matter of fact, I secretly blamed her for their marriage failing.

So, here we are years later and I’ve just had the opportunity to talk to ‘her’ and was finally able to communicate with her how I had reacted/made assumptions and/or jumped to a conclusion about ‘what had happened’ between them. That’s when she told me. She told me how she had walked in on her husband and her bestfriend, how she found them in the midst of a compromising sexual encounter. Though she tried, she couldn’t get that picture out of her head and thus they ended their marriage.

Wow, the new information did not match up to the stories that I had accepted, allowed, pre-occupied myself with and participated in within and as my mind!

The point of me sharing this story – is not to blame one against the other or to judge, because ultimately this was between the two of them and they have to realize their own point of self-responsibility within it.  I’m sharing this as proof to myself how the mind manipulates, assumes, justifies and jumps to the conclusions in/of and as self-interest.

The sum of all the thoughts that I participated in regarding the couple is a perfect example of how important it is to always bring everything back to self.  Because while we’re busy participating in thoughts and emotions, and gossip, and projecting ill feelings toward another, we’re not realizing that in that moment, we’re actually only experiencing ourself in relation to who we are as our mind as our past and our memories.

Years ago, when I went through a divorce – the negative experience I had of myself – where I existed in/as guilt and anger towards my mom for how she blamed me for my marriage ending and leaving her ‘heartbroken’.  I can realize now that I allowed the break-up of this couple to trigger a memory within me, thus I was reliving my past where every thought in my mind that I participated in with regards to the couple and their divorce was never about them.  It was about me, how I’ve been stuck in my own past preoccupations that I’ve never yet faced and forgiven myself for.   Seeing and realizing this for myself brought forth a silense within me, and I understand with a little more clarity how important it is to direct myself as my mind in self-honesty.  Self-forgiveness and Self-Commitment statements to follow in my next blog.

Day 137: Can’t Touch This

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have depended upon and existed within and as expectations, wherein I expect others to validate me as being ‘important’ so that I will thus then have an experience of myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up so much hope to have specific experiences of myself as ‘something more than’ who I perceive myself to be that when I don’t experience that which I expect, desire and/or wish to experience, I would then ‘feel’ a deep inner disappointment which felt like within my physical body, that I was carrying the weight of the world around within and as me, therefore, I commit myself to stop expecting, desiring and/or wishing to experience myself according to something and/or someone outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within and as a character of/as my mind I have existed as a spectator of sorts, waiting to be fulfilled and how within that I have experienced myself within negative energy picture/thoughts of how I could have and should have been a better mother/wife/person, thus, I commit myself to stop existing as a character of/as my mind who acts as the role of a spectator within and as negative energy experiences, and to instead investigate who I am in self-honesty to practically walk the path of self-corrective application according to and in support of/for that which is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a spectator and/or an observer of myself within my life where instead of participating and directing who I am as life, I have allowed me as my mind as consciousness to direct me to such a degree that I feel as if I have often become a spectacle of my own disappointment, thus I Stop. I see, realize and understand that through self-forgiveness I am able to gift to myself the courage and will to in self-honesty redesign and direct myself to change the inner me and thus change the outer me to walk in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how living within and as expectations, I have built an invisible wall of resistance and suppression around myself where I have separated myself from myself as my physical body and from my physical reality wherein my physical expression has become one of ‘can’t touch this’, therefore, I commit myself to never stop walking this process of self-forgiveness because I see, realize and understand how one is able to change self to practically become a physical living expression of and as responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically experience nausea within and as a remembrance of some lost bliss that I only recognize according to a belief within and as my mind as something that I now see, realize and understand can never be reproduced as something physical, tangible and/or real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience episodes of extreme sadness within ‘feeling’ unfulfilled in realizing that most people care very little about how others experience themselves, thus I commit myself to stop feelings of sadness and unfulfillment, and to show how we each one have the ability to realize/be our own fulfillment within and without to thus stand equal to and one as All Life according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after myself in time only never really seeing who I am within my own chase because that which I perceived to have seen in others has in fact been myself, as that which I have existed within and as, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my hope to receive fulfillment from others, what I failed to see in my disappointment is that it must be that way, because our reality is showing us that that which exists outside of ourselves cannot and will not fulfill us as who we are until we All stand together as Equals, thus I commit myself to continue walking our Desteni, always, through and as the ‘Principle of Equality