Tag Archive | symptoms

Day 251: Forgiving Self Betrayal

Today my partner drove and he and I went off doing a bit of travelling through the backwoods of pawnee and creek county. So we were going along this stretch of road and I began to notice how the road was triggering a memory I have of myself from long ago, and then, an uneasiness began deep within my gut/stomach. I also noticed my breathing was becoming slightly labored and my heartbeat slightly increased and my energy/stamina level began to drop – kind of like the way a person will experience themselves when their sugar level drops.

the suffering of othersSo, just as we were about to come to the place where we would turn off the winding road we were travelling on, I began to experience a pull from within the center of my chest area… A dull pain began in my upper back and chest area and I felt as if I was being sucked into some sort of vortex within my mind and it was then that I chose to let go of the past memory/energy that was begging my participation and it was then that I realized, ‘damn, this is what betrayal feels like, insignificance, fear, and self betrayal’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand that betrayal is that of blame, and how within my experience of inSIGNificance, there were SIGNS for me to see – how when I felt betrayed by something or someone, it was because I conditionally placed my faith and my trust and ultimately my responsibility for me, for my life – I placed it in the hands of another – I gave my life over to another separate form me – giving responsibility for myself to another, instead of taking responsibility for my own life and my own life experiences – then when my life hasn’t worked out the way I wanted it to, I felt betrayed by them, when the fact is, I handed over my life to them, I gave them responsibility of me and ultimately, I became angry.

Therefore, I forgive myself for the anger of betraying myself – for not taking self responsibility for my life and for how I experienced myself, and for suppressing that which I was really experiencing, blaming the experience and my situation on others, on the world, on society as a whole, yet all along presenting to the world that I’m fine, that I’m strong – betraying/deceiving myself and those within my world – blaming others for my own betrayal and deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so engulfed in the fear of taking responsibility that I accepted and allowed my physical body to become petrified, frozen in/as self betrayal and self denial.

Redefining Self Betrayal:

When and as I see myself giving myself over to another and suppressing myself within a point of insignificance which leads to self denial and self betrayal, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern within and as my mind – that I Am Willing myself to Stop, to re-design myself, to take Self-responsibility for myself and the World as myself.

I commit myself to let go of the idea’s that I’ve existed as within and as my past relationships to who I am within and as self betrayal.

I commit myself to Stop self denial.

I commit myself to take Self-Responsibility for myself and Stop blaming others for how I experience myself.

I commit myself to changing who I am as my mind/physical body within and as this physical reality/existence as one who is Not a betrayer of self, but is instead Standing within and as the Directive Principal of what I see, realize and understand as the utmost importance, to assist in bringing forth a World where All Life is given to Equally within the Principle of What’s Best for All.

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

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Day 70: Absence of Self continued…

This is a continuation to the blogs:
Day 68: Absence of Self
Day 69: Absence of Self continued…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify and manipulate myself and others as a codependent personality through trying to control events and/or people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, and/or domination in fear of letting people see who I really am, and/or fear of letting events occur naturally due to fear of change and thus would get frustrated and angry if I ‘felt’ controlled by events and/or others, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist change as if it were a contagion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to use denial as a way of ignoring problems and pretending they don’t exist – where I pretended things aren’t so bad and would tell myself that things will get better, even though I clearly see how for example, our current money/world system is Not and Will Not improve, except for the already rich – yet I denied seeing the abuse that exists because to see requires me to change me.
Thus I commit to take Self-responsibility and to see/realize, understand that the only Solution for our World is that of an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent personality to attempt to keep myself busy to stay in denial and try to avoid thinking about how fucked up our world is, wherein, I’ve actually made myself sick and depressed through my participation in and as backchat/thoughts in worry and struggling within our current money/debt system, and even suppressing myself at one point into being a workaholic.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent personality to rarely ‘feel’ happy or content with myself thus I’ve always looked to others to supply me with happiness and have even felt threatened by the loss of something and/or anyone that has provided me with happiness and thus fearing the loss of existing within the polarity construct of happy/sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent personality to leave a reasonably healthy situation/job/relationship by lying to myself that it was an unhealthy situation/job/relationship, thus, for most of my life have literally Ran From Myself from one situation/job/relationship to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent personality to have never really loved myself thus it makes sense that I didn’t feel loved by my parents because my perception of them has always been based upon how I was experiencing myself within myself according to my mind as consciousness, wherein I always equated love with pain, and believed others have never really been there for me, when in fact, I see/realize and understand that I’ve only ever been here for myself in fear – instead of in self-honesty – therefore, love as I’ve/We’ve lived it has never been a real expression of love – thus, proof that love isn’t real is able to be seen within the amount of suffering within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent personality to in my mind as backchat/thoughts have believed that others don’t mean what they say and don’t say what they mean because this is how I’ve lived my life as inferiority in fear of facing myself in self-honesty, self-intimacy and taking responsibility for how our world exists within what is here according to what I’ve accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent personality to have lived my life within my mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, anxieties and fears, where my experiences of myself were energetic, irrational, self-centered and egotistical, never considering my physical body and/or this physical reality, nor the Mess-age we’re existing in, as a ‘I don’t give a fuck about anyone but me frame of mind‘, while thousands of children suffer and starve to death daily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to go into defense mode when another’s perspective is in conflict to my perspective, thus in fear I defend what is actually a point within me of fearing being vulnerable, because I fear being wrong and/or fear shame, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define vulnerability and intimacy as something outside of myself through believing that if I’m open towards another then I’m being intimate and/or vulnerable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to Not fully comprehend that vulnerability is not really about being open because vulnerability is actually that which is hidden.

When and as I see myself going into a pattern of/as a codependent personality I stop. I breathe. I accept and allow myself to stop what and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be as a codependent personality and I direct myself in self-honesty through self-corrective application according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to keep it simple within this moment of breath, and, to redesign and align who I am as a resonance design of/as a codependent personality to be that according to what’s best for all life.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding/comprehending and purifying who I am in/as vulnerability as that to being open with myself and with another as myself walking the physicality of Equality.

Day 69: Absence of Self continued…

This is a continuation to the blog: Absence of Self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a codependent personality wherein I blame myself for everything, therefore Never actually taking Self-Responsibility for how our World exists, because of picking on myself as not being intelligent enough, pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough, Never Good enough, however, if another criticizes me, then I get defensive, angry and self-righteous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a codependent personality where if someone gives me a compliment and/or praise, I tend to reject it even though I tend to get depressed from lack of compliments and praise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to often feel ‘different’ from the rest of the world and within that point of Separation, I Reject Myself, all the while Fearing Rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent personality to take things personally because in my secret mind, I secretly enjoy being the victim, however in/as fear/guilt and shame, I have denied this understanding about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as a codependent personality to be the victim in relationships of physical and emotional abuse, Not seeing/realizing and understanding, how I am in fact solely responsible for All experiences of myself, because the fear/abuse began first within my mind as being/believing myself as the victim, in thinking my life in not worth living, thus wallowing around in my own self/PITy/abusive and self-interested nature.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as a codependent personality to participate in thoughts/backchat of how I ‘should have done this or I should have done that’, existing in mind/constructs/patterns where it ‘feels’ like I ‘should’ myself to death, all the while asking ‘why me’, when inside myself in self-honesty, I know why, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be trying to prove to others that I am good enough and ‘special’ enough to be deserving of that which I fear giving myself in/as self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to feel the need for someone’s attention and/or something in my life to complete me thus making me ‘feel’ special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to follow the path of pleasing others in order to fit in and so that people will acknowledge that I’m special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to always want to follow the path of going against the grain and being different to reach for the feeling of being more superior and better than others, thus assisting myself to feel special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a codependent personality to constantly sabotage my process by/through chasing after feelings of being special, Not seeing/realizing and understanding that it is my own self-intimacy/love and self-acknowledgment I’m chasing after/for in my chase for to be special.

I commit myself to STOP going against myself as I walk this process of self-forgiveness of/as standing in and as self-honesty – through chasing after feelings to be special.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that how I experience myself has nothing to do with anyone but myself and that who I am is here for me to no longer miss existing in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to Not miss me in/as breath, thus to face all of me within all that is here through forgiving me in self-honesty in order to support a world according to what’s best for all in all ways.

Day 68: Absence of Self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a codependent personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others as a codependent personality where I accept responsibility for how I perceive other people are ‘feeling’ and thus become anxious and even guilty when another has a problem, thus I will ‘feel’ compelled to help them ‘feel’ better about themselves or their situation by attempting to solve their problem, and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that in/as that I’m actually Not taking self-responsibility for me according to what’s best for all.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to comprehend that when and as I am existing in/as a codependent personality, it is actually an absence of self and thus an absence of awareness of self as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in/as a codependent personality act like a caretaker especially to/for my children and/or immediate family where I swoop in and act like I’m superwoman where I try and ‘fix’ everything when within my secret mind I have backchat to/towards them as not being responsible for their own lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent to secretly anticipate another’s needs and yet feel angry when my help is not effective or rebuffed and at the same time feel slighted when others can’t and/or won’t assist me when I require assistance, and within that I forgive myself for constantly doing way to much for others and then when I don’t get any help offered to me I become angry where even when asked what is wrong or what do I need, I will respond, ‘Nothing’, thus, I see/realize and understand that I am in fact my own worst enemy (inner me).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a codependent to minimize my own self worth by existing in/as greed and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as a codependent to not see/realize and understand how reaching out to ‘save’ another has been my way of avoiding/fearing reaching inward and getting to know me in self-intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as a codependent to not see/realize and understand that codependency is habitual behaviors based upon participating in and as fear according to thoughts, feelings and emotions and are ultimately self-interest motivated and self-destructive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as a codependent to not see/realize and understand that I have actually created a dependency on being special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a codependent by/as feeling like I’m special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in/as the definition of a codependent allowed myself to behave like a vampire through the application of the need to feel special because ‘when I am special’ someone else is thus ‘only ordinary’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in/as fear to Not see/realize and understand that I’m only ever seeing myself within others, and I realize how far away I actually am from self awareness and how much of a system I really am and that others are merely reflecting me back to me – thus, how I perceive others, actually has nothing to do at all with them.

I commit myself to stop how I have created this separation within me.

I commit myself to a self-honest agreement with myself as awareness of myself here as breath as that’s the only way for me to have an actual self-honest agreement with others as myself.