Tag Archive | sadness

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Today I stumbled upon the picture of a couple celebrating 40 years of marriage. Now, I knew them when they were a newly married couple and very much a part of my life, some 40 years ago. I was 18, newly married with a baby boy who was less than a year old when I first met them. My then husband and I met them through a new church we were trying out at the time. Him and I would go on to spend some 7 years of our life hanging out with the them and some other couple’s – all of us were part of a young couple’s group that at the time was growing rapidly with many babies on the way.

what used to be

So I haven’t seen or even heard anything about this couple for at least 30 years, which is around the time that my first marriage ended and I just never saw them again. My ex got custody of our church friends and the church, so seeing the picture of the two of them together celebrating 40 years of marriage triggered a memory of my life with them in it and what I noticed upon seeing it was how within me. I felt a sort of odd comforting energetic sadness.

The oddly familiar emotion / energy is the same as I’ve been aware of going on within me for awhile now. So with the thing coming up again I realize that here’s another opportunity to fall for it or face it straight on and not participate in the energy of the thing. Instead I focus on breathing and continue on without the energy but remaining aware of how within the memory is this sadness / emotion within the idea and self-judgments and fear of loss I have towards myself within my mind in seeing myself growing old..

The topic of growing old and all that it entails has been a familiar topic as of late within the group that my partner and I are apart of, and I highly recommend one watch the Senior Live Google Hangouts for awesome support for topics regarding growing older.

Ok so what I realized when I saw the picture of them looking 40 years older was a moment where within me, I missed me, the me I was when I was with them way back then. For a moment I saw who I was in the memory and I wanted to take in the energy as comfort as if it were real. Instead, I was able to Stop, to breathe and remain aware of myself as I investigated the memory and directed myself to not allow myself to be taken over by it and I realized how growing old feels like the death of ourself, like grieving for ourself.

And I mean, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the face of myself when I was 20, or 30 or even 40! And the thing about growing old is that no one prepares us for it. Sure no one wants to die, but no one really wants to start looking old either. Oh sure people joke about it or even lie and say they enjoy being older… But, ask most people who are over 55 and they’ll tell you that one of the hardest things about getting older is that it’s like you become invisible to others. It’s like people don’t really look at older folks, and anyone who is used to getting attention / energy – based on how they look for example – for them, growing old may mean the beginning of depression and / or feelings of isolation.

Both depression and isolating myself from others is something that I’ve written much self-forgiveness for and yet the point of growing old and how that feels within myself, is one I continue to investigate with the tools I’ve come to learn through Desteni I Process Pro . Together with those tools, and having cancer, I have the opportunity to physically reverse some of the damage that I’ve caused to my physical body through how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be through and as my mind.

I see, realize and understand that, specifically with forgiving myself and letting go of holding on to what used to be. I see how within what feels like grief or sadness is actually a reaction of energy within the ‘fear of loss‘ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct. Seeing that,, I had to ask myself what holding onto things within myself within the construct of ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ – how is being that construct, controlling and influencing my physical body..?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my physical body to be in a constant state of fear that something may or might be lost and within that, I forgive myself for the adrenaline that comes up within my physical body as stress within the fear of ‘I must be ready’, for if and when something goes wrong that would cause me to lose control or cause me to lose my relationship to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words, ‘you can’t control it’ within the ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the relationship between the words; ‘letting go’ and ‘control’ – where I’ve created an illusion that if I don’t control something or someone I will lose it/them and/or I will lose the context of myself in relation to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how that control and fear of loss relationship that the emotional energy creates is a physical tension within and as my physical body and how that physical tension imposes stress within and on the physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with regards to how I react to the idea of letting go of fear of loss becomes similar to the grieving process because it’s who and how I’ve always existed as, thus, participation in any memory / thoughts of growing old and/or grief / sadness of who I used to be is simply because I’ve not yet walked a physical application where I do NOT react when fear of loss and letting go are triggered and / or when thoughts come up within emotions of sadness / grief, therefore, I commit myself to when and as I react in fear of loss and/or fear of letting go in relations to someone or something within my life I stop, I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness in the moment and let go and release, to move myself and Direct myself to Stand within the Decision to let it go.

I commit myself to when and as I see a memory come up – where my mind begs me to remember what so and so did and said, and how wonderful it was in how I believe the memory makes me feel – that this is a red flag for me to know there is more to forgive, thus I commit myself to ask myself what about it do I want to hold onto and what is it about myself within it that I do not want to change – to assist myself to Stand within my Commitment to let go of the fear of loss / the fear of letting go and the feeling of growing old / grief / sadness.

I commit myself to know where I stand with people and things, where I Stop the illusion within my mind of believing that I have to hold onto something or someone and to instead redefine my relationship to it/them according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anything that can be lost, cannot and is Not real.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to continue to Investigate and Forgive myself for my relationship to things and people within the dimensions of control and fear of loss.

 

Advertisements

Day 273: Moving out of my own way

Falling into self pity is a sticky situation, and one I’ve fallen into starting from a very young age. Anything can trigger self pity, but what’ll end up happening is that we’ll react to something someone does or says and we’ll allow ourself to participate in self judgment as thoughts / backchat and/or memories. Make no mistake about it, self-pity alters our ability to see the practicality/meaning/solution in any given moment/situation.

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

moving out of my own wayThe result or consequence of behaving in self pity is ultimately self sabotage, and more often than not, in the end, we won’t have been aware of how we came to feel like we feel because we won’t have realized what or how we got to feeling the way that we do, because we would have already lost ourself in the energy of the thing, self pity that is.

Self pity is a pattern within my mind that I sometime play out in my world, and it’s one that I’ve been investigating for awhile now. However recently, through my ‘reacting’ to something somebody said/wrote, I’ve been able to understand the point with greater clarity.

So, self pity is definitely a tricky SOB that’s for sure. So be aware, self pity can play out in various ways, but in the end it’ll cause us to want to blame others for how we’re experiencing ourself instead of realizing, we’ve just fallen prey to self pity through our own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over who I become and how I experience myself as the feeling bad / feeling sorry for myself energy that then activates the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a positive expression into and as the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the energy of self pity produces an energy of excitement as it moves throughout my entire physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the actual origin points that lead to the outflow consequence or activation of and as the self pity energy which is an intensity with which I speak self judgment within my mind that then creates a feeling bad experience which will escalate into and as self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and thus allow the energy of self pity to entrap me within and as my own mind where I then lose awareness of myself and react in a way where I use excuses, reasons and justifications within my mind to hold onto and immerse myself into and as the emotion of self pity.

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to the energy of self pity, I Stop, I breathe. I direct myself to Not participate because I see, realize, and understand that the relationship I have with/as the energy of self pity is having a direct effect upon the relationships that I have within my world/reality.

When and as I see myself looking at my past and seeing myself as a failure I stop. I Breathe. I see realize and understand that in doing so I am participating in an intense self judgment in believing myself as being a disappointment, and how it is in these moments, that I allow self pity to creep in, thus instead, I Commit myself to see the moment as a gift, an opportunity to investigate, forgive and strengthen myself.

When and as I see myself within a moment of self judgment I stop, I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how important it is to understand the nature of self judgment in that if I participate in and as it, I’m giving way for that ‘feeling bad about myself emotion‘, which activates self pity and then, the whole process itself weakens and disempowers my ability to remain aware of myself because at that point, I’m already seesawing within and as my mind as the thing which then takes over my entire physical body. Therefore I commit myself to not accept and allow the domino effect to fall from/as the self judgment, to the feeling bad emotion, into the self pity where I then get stuck in a pit that can cause depression as well as self abdication.

I commit myself to stop attacking myself with and through self judgments.

I commit myself to Stop judging myself because I see, realize and understand that self judgment is a method the mind uses to ensure self sabotage.

I commit myself to identify the cause, source and origin of when self judgment come up to thus stop reactions and/or attacks on myself and/or others.

I commit myself to examine what I know deep within me in that I am no longer willing to accept, allow, nor believe the judgments that I’ve carried around like baggage from my past/mind, to instead redefine who I am as self pity and change my relationship to/as it through changing myself in the actual moment that self judgment begins, as well as going back into my past, in the memories, to see where I’ve given in to self pity so as to correct and redefine myself in/as the memory itself.

I commit myself to redefine who I am and my relationship to self pity by looking at the moment /my past to a memory of/or when self judgment came, to have a look at who am I in the moment as I forgive the self judgment thereby changing my relationship to the memory/moment into and as a solution by making a Stand to Not allow myself to give in to my mind as consciousness, backchat and/or the energy of self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the accepted and allowed indulgence into and as self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the positive connotation to self pity.

I commit myself to when self judgment tries to come up, to instead speak self-forgiveness as a gift to myself, using self pity as a way to move myself from consciousness to self awareness and strengthen my stand in relationship to my mind.

****************

“Fear of self’s truth = self judgment = self pity: Which form a wound within self, wanting it to be healed by another as to so deem ourselves as not being ‘so bad’ and ‘terrible’ for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. But doing this – is not taking self responsibility and there’s no-one able to judge us, but ourselves.

I understand now that there’s no-one able to judge me, but myself and that I really actually create what I experience within me – and therefore I, I alone, must STOP.”  ~ The Truth Hurts: Part Three by Benazir Bhutto

****************

Day 208: Invisible Battles

Problem:

I had a dream last night where I saw myself jumping between roof tops, fighting battles. In battle, I fought with people who seemed familiar, yet were unfamiliar, and the only weapons in the dream were SWORDS.
invisible battle
No real harm to anyone ever occurred no matter how hard we fought and there were no expression of emotions, energy or fears. Everything appeared to be staged in order for us to see for ourselves that life is Not meant to be lived fighting each other to survive – ultimately leading us to at the end of the day – we remain alone with our inner invisible battles, where we compete only with ourself as we try to reach a place of feel better within and as our mind that isn’t real and can never ever be reached.

Solution:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character of and as my mind as someone who is never good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight seemingly invisible battles within my mind and body in trying to keep my emotions ‘at bay’ according to a self-created knowledge of myself and in doing so not realizing how I manifest pockets of pain and dysfunction in bringing the words that I speak to life within and as me as my physical flesh/ bones/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight invisible battles within and as my mind using thoughts, feelings, emotions and words as a way of remaining in defense mode where I stage imaginary attacks against myself and others as myself creating inner resistance giving myself a false sense of protection through positive and negative energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘letting down the guards’ so to speak, which I’ve used to keep myself trapped within and as my mind as the emotional feelings of fear, where I silence myself in fear of my own self-expression, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through ego/self-interest by way of comparing myself to others and using inferiority and superiority as energetic motivators to suppress myself deeper into self-abusive patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought/picture within my mind where I see myself as being to dumb to stand and take self-responsibility for who I am and for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower down to back chat and internal conversations, telling myself that I’m not smart enough and as such I might as well shut up and give up on myself and the world/money system as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself for wanting to give up on myself and my process because I see, realize and understand that feeling disappointed is actually me justifying my own self-interested behaviors.

When and as I become aware of back chat and internal conversations within my mind telling myself that I’m not smart enough and/or that I should just ‘shut up and give up’ – I Stop, I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern within my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to because the truth is I have accepted and allowed a pattern of fear of change within the pattern/character of not being good enough – fear of giving up the comforting, numbed down life style of distractions/entertainment – to instead direct myself to educate myself about our world/money system.

When and as I see myself pull inward into and as my mind where I fight invisible battles, where I begin to doubt who I am as I continue to walk this Journey to Life, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that the doubt is actually self-interest talking, therefore, I commit myself to embracing myself in tender-loving-care, giving myself permission to stop and focus on this moment of breath – where there is no right or wrong, only me directing myself according to what’s best for all.

Reward:

I commit myself to remain aware of my behavior to stop the pattern of accepting and allowing myself to become a character of and as my mind as someone who is never good enough.

I commit myself to stop fighting invisible battles within and as my mind using preprogrammed thoughts, feelings, emotions and energetic experiences as a way of remaining in/as defense mode.

I commit myself to stop giving in to self-manipulation and self-doubt.

I commit myself to walk the self-corrective application of redesigning who I am, standing stable and self-responsible, to redesign myself free from self-abusive and self-destructive patterns

I commit myself to Stop my programmed belief system and to see, realize and understand how what I’ve believed of my life – as that of being comforting – is actually the result of massive funding by our current world/money systems, therefore, I commit myself to further research and educate myself, to ultimately expose the role that money plays in producing, through education and media, as well as thousands of other ways of manipulation, the kind of people we as the human on earth have become.

**UPDATE: When I wrote this blog, I hadn’t yet read the daily blog posted by Heaven’s Journey to Life titled: Why do we Give Up BEFORE we Even Started?: DAY 321, now having read it, I suggest one to read it to assist with further clarity with regards to Facing Uncertainty.  The same applies to the blog written yesterday by Creation’s Journey to Life titled: Day 324: What Characterize a Demon? (Part One), specifically regarding the following quote:

“Taking the Example of ‘Feeling Not Good Enough’ – this would Start as an Emotion, internalized, and then the Emotion will start ‘defining itself’ into and as Thoughts that manifest, and the thoughts would cycle, repetitively in the Mind and so generate the emotion; and with self’s participation in and as it – would ‘Characterize’ self into and as the ‘who I am’ and believe SELF to be the characterized emotion as Thoughts as ‘I’M Not Good Enough’. When, all the while: the ‘Not Good Enough’ was simply an emotional energy-program, that self characterized into and as a ‘who I am’. Then, from the internal creation and design of the Emotion into a Character, through and as Thought – one will eventually start Speaking and Living it ‘as Self’ and so BECOME the Character of the Emotion as ‘Not Good Enough’; and in this Process – self become ‘Lost’ in/as Energy, Emotion and the Characterization thereof that we create through Thought.” Bernard Poolman 

Day 139: DIY Self-Commitment

For Context Please Read: Day 138: I Don’t Want To Grow Up – –

I commit myself to Stop the fear of aging and the fear of death and I commit myself to prove to myself what I’ve already begun to realize in that, who I am, is determined within every moment of breath.

I commit myself to show that growing up is Not something that should be easy or hard or compromising self in any way, nor is growing up about holding on to things that were, or wondering about what’s to come, instead growing up is about investigating the perceptions within and as our mind that we’ve spent our entire lives in fear of, thus, I commit myself to show that life is not about living like we are dying and then manifesting it as so – NO – Life is a Journey of forgiving and directing ourself in self-honesty in realizing that we do NOT have to fear ourself as our Mind or each other, and, we don’t have to fear getting older and/or hating each other and, we can Stop our fear of dying without having actually known who we are as Life,,,thus, We Breathe, and we Forgive Ourself for who we believed ourselves to be as our Mind of/as CONSCIOUSNESS, and We Direct who we are as Life Living what it is to Give to All as we’d like to Receive.

I commit myself to stop existing within polarity equations of positive/negative, right/wrong, happy/sad and/or pretty/ugly, because I see, realize and understand that in doing so I am actually abdicating myself from life through living in fear of me as my mind as thoughts and through participating in and as them fueling emotions, feelings and fear, therefore, I commit myself to direct me as my mind in self-honesty and through self-corrective application, stop participation of/as thoughts, and instead, Breathe and Walk.

Furthermore, I commit myself to redefine who I am as self-responsibility as I walk breath by breath becoming a living application of responsibility, where through self-forgiveness, I gift myself the ability to consider what life will become when as a GROUP, we come together to support a World according to what’s best for All – to bring an end to fear and the constant struggle to survive within our current world/money system, to thus, together show ourselves how in Giving to all that which we each require as the basic necessities for life, we realize ourselves as living expressions of and as what is to Stand accountable and responsible for and as All living beings.

Do It Your Self-Commitment

JOIN US

Stand Up for and as All Life – Support a World/Money System that will support All Life Equally.

Day 138: I Don’t Want To Grow Up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define aging with ‘growing up’ and accepting myself as someone I’ve never wanted to be because all the grown-ups I’ve ever known who grew older became saggy, scary, grumpy and settled in as being sad, lonely and dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing up, getting old and losing all of my teeth, because within my mind I have believed in the perception that loosing one’s teeth makes a woman ugly, old and undesirable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing up because that meant being responsible and the only example of responsibility I was familiar with meant worrying about not having enough money and working oneself to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I feared growing up because I feared getting old, wrinkly and invisible and undesirable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how according to a picture as a thought within my mind growing old and aging looks like a small toothless woman whose eyes are sad and face is sunken in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my mind I have defined myself according to a picture presentation of myself looking the same as I did when I was in my twenties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my fear of growing old I have spent my life fighting for the right to be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is only about me and my happiness to such a degree that I’ve never considered what Life Really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I was younger I lived my life according to the energetic high I got off on in how men would react to/toward me, in how I received attention from them and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am immune to growing old, to aging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear growing old because I fear death of me as my physical body.

to be continued…

Day 137: Can’t Touch This

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have depended upon and existed within and as expectations, wherein I expect others to validate me as being ‘important’ so that I will thus then have an experience of myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up so much hope to have specific experiences of myself as ‘something more than’ who I perceive myself to be that when I don’t experience that which I expect, desire and/or wish to experience, I would then ‘feel’ a deep inner disappointment which felt like within my physical body, that I was carrying the weight of the world around within and as me, therefore, I commit myself to stop expecting, desiring and/or wishing to experience myself according to something and/or someone outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within and as a character of/as my mind I have existed as a spectator of sorts, waiting to be fulfilled and how within that I have experienced myself within negative energy picture/thoughts of how I could have and should have been a better mother/wife/person, thus, I commit myself to stop existing as a character of/as my mind who acts as the role of a spectator within and as negative energy experiences, and to instead investigate who I am in self-honesty to practically walk the path of self-corrective application according to and in support of/for that which is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a spectator and/or an observer of myself within my life where instead of participating and directing who I am as life, I have allowed me as my mind as consciousness to direct me to such a degree that I feel as if I have often become a spectacle of my own disappointment, thus I Stop. I see, realize and understand that through self-forgiveness I am able to gift to myself the courage and will to in self-honesty redesign and direct myself to change the inner me and thus change the outer me to walk in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how living within and as expectations, I have built an invisible wall of resistance and suppression around myself where I have separated myself from myself as my physical body and from my physical reality wherein my physical expression has become one of ‘can’t touch this’, therefore, I commit myself to never stop walking this process of self-forgiveness because I see, realize and understand how one is able to change self to practically become a physical living expression of and as responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically experience nausea within and as a remembrance of some lost bliss that I only recognize according to a belief within and as my mind as something that I now see, realize and understand can never be reproduced as something physical, tangible and/or real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience episodes of extreme sadness within ‘feeling’ unfulfilled in realizing that most people care very little about how others experience themselves, thus I commit myself to stop feelings of sadness and unfulfillment, and to show how we each one have the ability to realize/be our own fulfillment within and without to thus stand equal to and one as All Life according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after myself in time only never really seeing who I am within my own chase because that which I perceived to have seen in others has in fact been myself, as that which I have existed within and as, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my hope to receive fulfillment from others, what I failed to see in my disappointment is that it must be that way, because our reality is showing us that that which exists outside of ourselves cannot and will not fulfill us as who we are until we All stand together as Equals, thus I commit myself to continue walking our Desteni, always, through and as the ‘Principle of Equality

Day 113: Sister Act

Sometimes, I miss my brother and sister. It’s been almost a year since my sister died and, my brother died almost 6 months after her. They were all that was left of my immediate “blood” family, and, within my mind, I perceived them as being the only remaining connection to/of my mom – who died 10 years ago. So, within this character of myself, as the “sister”, I feel sad and lonely. The strange thing is, within the feelings of sadness and loneliness, is an odd sort of comfort. How the hell is it that sadness and loneliness “feels” comforting? When I stop and breathe and look at how I experience myself within the “missing feeling”, I see that it’s not really about “missing them” as much as it’s about the character of my mind that is still existent within and as me as memories/thoughts/feelings and emotions – me as the ‘sister act character’ – is missing the conformation, the fueling of it’s existence. –

I forgive myself for not realizing how throughout my childhood years I was unconsciously/unaware of how I was creating, constructing and evolving into and as who I am and how and what I will live as my mind in the physical with the purpose/reason for my existence to be that of preparing myself to live out characters/memories of and as my mind as for example, the character of the sister act.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the sister act character/memory I enjoyed what I now see, realize and understand was a false sense of trusting myself in/as the ‘act of being a sister’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto the definition of myself that I’ve believed myself to be as that of/as a ‘good sister‘.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the sister act character I believed myself as special.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the sister act character I saw myself as ‘better than’ my sister and brother through comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as ‘being better than’ as the polarity opposite of ‘not good enough’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within judgment towards myself as ‘being better than’ my family, sister and brother, through seeing myself through the eyes of family through/as comparison thus, judging myself as being ‘better than’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to/as the character of/as the sister act as perceive myself as special because I was the oldest, thus, I perceived myself as holding some sort of power and/or control over my siblings which I took advantage of through how I judged, blamed and criticized them when they didn’t ‘act’ the way I ‘thought’ they should.

I forgive myself for not realizing how the year before their deaths – I avoided them because I didn’t want to face my responsibility in how I saw myself within the fear I perceived them to both exist as.

I forgive myself for not realizing that in the act of being a sister was the act of competing for the love of our parents and/or attempting to get all of our parents attention.

I forgive myself for not realizing that as the ‘sister act character’, I long for the act of competing with my brother and sister for the attention and love from our parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve used relationships whether they were family and/or friends to further bring to life the characters I’ve existed within and as and of my mind in the physical, in order to materialize/manifest my own personal wants, needs and desires – wherein self-interest I have always put myself as my mind first and to hell with the effects of how in doing so I’ve caused illness and disease within and as me as my physical body and this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately participate in/as the sister act character in order to experience myself within a false sense of comfort that served only me according to what I wanted and desired as me as my mind of/as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and participate within what I now see, realize and understand was a ‘live memory’ which manifest in/as our mind in detail wherein the ‘live memory’ is possible due to the mind-physical integration, where within my mind I experienced a real time remembrance in/as a memory of my sister/brother and my mom – which further fueled how I was experiencing myself within and as the sister act character and within that memory activated a sub-character of/as the guilty character.

I commit myself to stop me as the character/memory/thought and emotional feeling of/as the sister act through breathing in/as self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself go into the sister act within feelings of comfort and within emotions of fear, I stop. I see, realize and understand that the memories/thoughts/feelings and emotions are set up within my mind as polarity equations of good/bad and positive and negative and are an outflow of emotional/feeling body energies and memories of which I’ve existed as within my mind as the mind of/as my parents. Thus, through self-corrective applicaton I breathe and stop All participation.

I commit myself to show how what we perceive as love between siblings is actually only memories/characters/personality suits that separate us from ourselves and life itself through self-interest and competition, and how in the name of love we keep characters alive that we live out in/as role-play in order to Not see, realize and understand that we are in-fact responsible not only for ourselves, but for All living beings and that we are here to stop who we are in/as fear and to stand up and become accountable to and as All life in supporting a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to show the extent to which we’ve been unaware within and throughout our accepted and allowed abdication of responsibility, in how we have lived as who we are as a Mind Consciousness System in using and abusing our physical body/reality and existence instead of coming together in Equality and Oneness as the directive principle of ourselves as our physical body and taking responsibility within and as everything and all of ourselves here in supporting all life according to what’s best for All.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog with regards to: Sub-Character Creation – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 113)