Tag Archive | validation

Day 279: When you say nothing at all

Wanting to blame my partner for how I experience myself is unacceptable, but I want to nonetheless. The thoughts in my head tell the story of how “he” doesn’t have anything to say to me that hasn’t been said a hundred times before. And the thought that comes forth from there is ‘that’s what happens when you’ve been with someone for 22 years’.  As I continue to investigate I realize there’s really something else going on…

When I participate in specific thoughts, an energy arises from within me that begins in the pit of my stomach and ever so slowly moves upward toward my head region. For a moment there is a slight energetic excitement and I realize how within my mind, I want to say something to my partner. I want to tell him how to be and how he should act toward me. I want him to validate me so I can stop ‘feeling bad’ about myself and I mean, how strange is it really to desire such attention and control over another person…

As I stop and breathe,  I realize I’ve been here before.  The experience of self pity is a negative emotion and as I investigate deeper I see how I feel physically and mentally tired – which makes sense considering how when I participate in certain thoughts like, ‘why doesn’t he say something’, how that stimulates and or triggers the emotion of self pity which in itself seeks to reach for some kind of self validation.

why do i feel so badThe thing is, self pity keeps me stuck in a pit within myself. It’s like a pit stop within where I hold myself within a sort of a gut wrenching fear. The fear to look on, to investigate who I am, to continue to READ the story, My Story. To see who I am within what I’m accepting and allowing within my fear to face All of me. As I continue to investigate I am able to see where and when I began to ‘feel bad‘…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for being the reason for me having a negative experience of myself when what’s going on within me actually has nothing at all to do with how my partner is or isn’t behaving.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s not always the emotion of self pity that is the source point but actually the outflow consequence of the actual source point which is the ‘feeling bad’ emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a relationship with myself wherein I attack myself within my mind within self judgment statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to self judgment as the thought comes up about myself of, ‘I’m not living up to my full potential‘, and for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘feeling bad’ emotion through participating in thoughts of self judgment which activates the’ self pity emotion’ and for what follows, which is ‘when’ I begin to seek validation, attention and / or recognition from someone and /or something outside myself such as in this instance, where I began to project frustration and anger to / towards my partner.

When and as I see myself having thoughts that are self judging, I stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to see this as a red flag for me to know it’s time to direct myself, to in self honesty investigate what it is that’s coming up within me that’s creating the ‘energy of feeling bad’ which is actually using my own mind against myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I manipulate myself through self judgment and self pity, what I’m doing is reacting to my own mind, where I use whatever thoughts necessary to distract myself, even if it means blaming others, just so long as I don’t have to face who I am as the story and the characters/personalities that I have lived my entire life as.

I commit myself to stop abdicating myself as Life through self judgment, manipulation, blame and self pity.

I commit myself to remain aware of and so Stop abusing myself deliberately through self judgment, which activates feeling bad emotions and me feeling sorry for myself, which leads to the self pity energy.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how to stop and change my relationship to self pity through stopping my participation in the ‘feeling bad’ reaction moment within myself.

I commit myself to utilize my memories as reference points to find when and where and why and towards who or what is it that the ‘feeling bad’ energy keeps activating from and ultimately producing the self pity energy.

I commit myself to let go of the energy of feeling bad and self pity.

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“I suggest, if you can Find it in you – you’re going to have to Look Very Deep to Find this: That you DO STOP, and Start your Process. It is Inevitable. You’re not going to get Away. There is No place to Hide. Every Single Energy, Every Single Thought, Every Single Thing you have EVER, in ANY WAY Conceived – leave a ‘Mark’, in your Book of Life. Make sure – it’s Worth Reading. Because, if it’s Not: There’s going to be a Consequence, and you can’t just ‘Wipe it Out’. You can Only take Responsibility for it through Self-Forgiveness, and from that perspective ‘Delete it’, in as much as, it will No Longer be the ‘You’ that will Create the Future – but, it will be the ‘You’ in the Past. And therefore you will Live in the ‘Present’, in every Moment – Living, Presenting, Being part of That which is Best for All, Always, which is what “Present” encompass, the HERE.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 166: It’s Not You – It’s Me

I have memories of me as a child where in my mind I would imagine what it would feel like to be special in the eyes of my parents. The imagination game within my mind required that I become certain characters dependent upon how I wanted to experience myself. Within that, I mentally dragged my sister along and ultimately blamed her when things didn’t go my way. And actually, I’ve done this with everyone I’ve ever had a relationship with, therefore, I will begin with the following self-forgiveness as I investigate myself further in realizing – that everything and anything that bothered me about my sister and/or anyone or anything that bothers me for that matter – I can be sure that the same exists within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and lonely so much that all I lived for was that moment when I experienced a positive energetic charge within myself that gave me a feeling of well being and I didn’t care what lie I had to tell or who got hurt in the process of me getting high on that feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my mind on an idea and according to that idea shut myself off to everyone within my world where I won’t actually hear or see how another being is actually experiencing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for how and what I can do, get and have to make the experience of myself a positive and happy one and within that never considered how and who will have to experience themselves in a negative way under horrible circumstances in order to fulfill my self-serving tendencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the evil that exists within me when I judge what I perceive as someone being a ‘failure’ and how I will take from their negative energy experience a false sense of self where I see myself as being better than and thus believing myself within a positive energy experience so that I can reach that feeling good about myself place,  not realizing that in order to have happy there must be sad – the same applies in that,  in order for there to be the rich, there must be the poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the failure of others as an opportunity to get attention and a way of making myself believe that i look better through the eyes of others as a result of someone else’s failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I am enjoying myself because of how I have harbored judgment and resentment toward people who I see are enjoying themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy myself because I fear that others will judge me because within my mind I have secretly judged them.

to be continued

Important Blogs to Read Daily:

Heaven’s Journey to Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Check out the New Desteni I Process Lite – – It’s Free!

Day 152: Erasing the Lies

This is a continuation to:
Day 151: Control Freak

I commit myself to expose myself to who I am within my fears where I try and control others to avoid the fear of facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed as I attempt to control the consequences of my past behaviors by controlling others.

I commit myself to erase the lies of who I’ve been as a control freak where in fear I try and control others as a defense mechanism to not look within to stop what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become and to through writing and self-forgiveness see my way to/as self-honesty.

When and as I am having a conversation and sharing myself with another and I see that I am beginning to want to say something to them within the desire to try and control them, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that directing myself and others as myself in self-honesty, does not involve energetic movement or the want, need and/or desire to convince someone of something therefore, I commit myself to breathe and remain the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I commit myself to stop reacting towards others within a ‘shut the fuck up’ attitude where within myself I become spiteful and thus project that onto others, thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe.

I commit myself to remain aware of my voice tonality because I see, realize and understand that when I’m seeking to control another, the tone in which I speak becomes higher or lower depending on whether I’m using a positive or negative approach to control.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for how I am walking my process because I see, realize and understand that I have been a control freak toward myself and thus have suppressed myself in my writings and self-forgiveness, thus I commit myself to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as my mind to attempt to control and suppress who I am and I commit myself to push through the resistance of/as control and to allow myself to let go and accept myself to be and express myself through to/as self-honesty.

I commit myself to breathe and stand within an understanding of the nature of who I am as a control freak and to no longer accept and allow myself to express myself in such a manner to/towards others because I see, realize and understand that seeking to control others is an outflow of fear and that when I act like a control freak I am giving permission for fear to manifest itself as who I become as it, thus, I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be and become fear.

I commit myself to stop being a control freak wherein I try and control how other people act and think because I see, realize and understand that I must first walk the necessary changes of self in self-honesty in changing me from the inside out before I am able to be of any real assistance to/for anyone else.

I commit myself to stop living my life attempting to control others through trying to please/manipulate them in one way or another, and to instead realize that life is not about pleasing/manipulating others, it’s about supporting all life according to what’s best for all through and with the support of an Equal Money System.

Day 151: Control Freak


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I allow myself to become a certain character within my world such as a control freak, then I will experience the same, for example; control within my world, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character of and as my mind who is a control freak, where as that I exist within a belief that I have the ability to control others even though at the same time within my mind I feel a loss of control, thus, I will act on the need to fill my perception of loss of control through my attempt to control others instead of questioning and investigating what is it within myself that causes me to react on the outside in relation to what’s going-on on the inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unknowingly use fear as the reason for my need to control others through relationships because within my mind I fear losing control and I fear the feeling that comes up as inadequacy when I perceive myself as having a negative experience, thus, I seek to control others as a way of keeping a positive energetic experience of myself going on where I see myself as being important and/or the most responsible one within the relationship and within that I forgive myself for playing make belief within my mind as being and having authority and control over others as a way of avoiding facing who I am as a fear reaction feeling of being ‘out of control’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control everything and everyone within my world even though within my secret mind I constantly fear that I am making one mistake after another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how as a control freak within my secret mind I quietly want others to fear me even though I am more afraid of others than they could ever be of me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become preoccupied with the details of others to the point that I will attempt to dominate them with my opinions at the expense of flexibility, openness and/or common sense mostly because at that point I’ve become obsessed and only interested in having things done my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate a place for myself within my mind where I become unwavering in my approach towards others because I see myself as being more superior than another being because I believe that I need attention and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the application of unforgiving towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to the words: ‘out of control’ wherein my mind I see ‘out of control’ as a dark scary place which I run from yet when I slow myself down and breath I see that there is only me as my past in fear of letting go..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within fear there is always the starting point of self-interest where I want, need and/or desire something and/or someone from outside myself to validate me thus protect me from the secrets I hold within my mind which I use against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in and as fear turn life into an act of labored living wherein I take from others within the same context as when withdrawing money from my bank account and within that I forgive myself that I have exchanged the life force of my physical body for energy through how I create debt as a consequence of my expectations within my constant need to maintain a perception of routine and control within and as my mind.

to be continued

Day 137: Can’t Touch This

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have depended upon and existed within and as expectations, wherein I expect others to validate me as being ‘important’ so that I will thus then have an experience of myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up so much hope to have specific experiences of myself as ‘something more than’ who I perceive myself to be that when I don’t experience that which I expect, desire and/or wish to experience, I would then ‘feel’ a deep inner disappointment which felt like within my physical body, that I was carrying the weight of the world around within and as me, therefore, I commit myself to stop expecting, desiring and/or wishing to experience myself according to something and/or someone outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within and as a character of/as my mind I have existed as a spectator of sorts, waiting to be fulfilled and how within that I have experienced myself within negative energy picture/thoughts of how I could have and should have been a better mother/wife/person, thus, I commit myself to stop existing as a character of/as my mind who acts as the role of a spectator within and as negative energy experiences, and to instead investigate who I am in self-honesty to practically walk the path of self-corrective application according to and in support of/for that which is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a spectator and/or an observer of myself within my life where instead of participating and directing who I am as life, I have allowed me as my mind as consciousness to direct me to such a degree that I feel as if I have often become a spectacle of my own disappointment, thus I Stop. I see, realize and understand that through self-forgiveness I am able to gift to myself the courage and will to in self-honesty redesign and direct myself to change the inner me and thus change the outer me to walk in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how living within and as expectations, I have built an invisible wall of resistance and suppression around myself where I have separated myself from myself as my physical body and from my physical reality wherein my physical expression has become one of ‘can’t touch this’, therefore, I commit myself to never stop walking this process of self-forgiveness because I see, realize and understand how one is able to change self to practically become a physical living expression of and as responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically experience nausea within and as a remembrance of some lost bliss that I only recognize according to a belief within and as my mind as something that I now see, realize and understand can never be reproduced as something physical, tangible and/or real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience episodes of extreme sadness within ‘feeling’ unfulfilled in realizing that most people care very little about how others experience themselves, thus I commit myself to stop feelings of sadness and unfulfillment, and to show how we each one have the ability to realize/be our own fulfillment within and without to thus stand equal to and one as All Life according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after myself in time only never really seeing who I am within my own chase because that which I perceived to have seen in others has in fact been myself, as that which I have existed within and as, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my hope to receive fulfillment from others, what I failed to see in my disappointment is that it must be that way, because our reality is showing us that that which exists outside of ourselves cannot and will not fulfill us as who we are until we All stand together as Equals, thus I commit myself to continue walking our Desteni, always, through and as the ‘Principle of Equality

Day 135: Teach Me2

Today I reacted to my 2 year old granddaughter, who actually teaches me more life skills in a 8 hour day than I may ever be able to teach her. Thus the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with my 2 year old granddaughter when she continued to push buttons on my computer / printer and for feeling guilty for her crying as I physically moved her from them, and within that, I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding how she looks to experience herself in how she sees me experiencing myself, thus, I forgive myself for rushing myself to finish, because in my rush I was participating within my mind which led to feelings of impatience and guilt, which I then projected onto her, instead of being there for her to explore her world with my assistance, therefore, I forgive myself for projecting the feelings / reactions that I was having onto her according to what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within and exist as, because, I see, realize and understand how my starting point was one of anxiety where I was avoiding facing a point of fear within myself, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that it is Not possible for another to influence who I am unless I give permission, and any reaction/experience that I may or may not have is a direct reflection of my own inner relationship with myself according to what I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as through and as the direction of my mind, instead of me directing my mind as me according to what’s best for All . Thus, When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my granddaughter/others as myself, I stop. I commit myself to slow myself down and breathe, to look within myself at my starting point to assure that I no longer project onto another anything less than who I am in self-honesty as I continue walking my Journey to Life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I was hurrying to finish what I was doing , how within that, I, for a split moment, saw how I was giving myself different perceptions of myself whereas I experienced a subtle conversation within my mind which I didn’t stop, thus is how I within that moment, created a problem within my situation where there otherwise wasn’t one, therefore, I commit myself to breathe and realize that within every moment of breath I am the one who decides who I am , thus, through self-corrective application I direct myself to establish effective communication with my granddaughter/others within my world in order to be able to teach life skills – free from anxiety and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I am rushing, that I manifest pain in the center of my back, which I see is a point of suppression related to self-judgment and, in how I was existing in anxiety and fear of letting other’s down within the ‘feeling’ that ‘I’m not good enough’ and/or strong enough to direct myself within my world, and within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed in myself for not being the living example of how and what it is to be supportive and patient with all living beings, thus, I commit myself to be patient and gentle with myself and others as myself, because I see, realize and understand that my responsibility for and as life is determined within every moment of breath as a living example of placing myself in the shoes of another, to thus become stable support for a world according to what’s best for All.

Day 65: Living in Hope is a TRAP

Almost 2 months ago I had an ‘idea’ to test my application and stop by a casino after 2 years of not gambling. The ‘idea’ was to see if I was able to walk into a casino and walk out having only spent a predetermined amount of money. My ‘idea’ was coming from a dishonest starting point of curiosity and according to past experiences as picture presentations within my mind as them – thus I spent 3 times the amount of money that I had planned, and once again I had fallen into an energetic money pit. I see/realize and understand that from the beginning, I’ve not walked this point through from the starting point of self-honesty, thus it’s not surprising I’ve time-looped. Now, today, and earlier in the week I’ve had two occasions where I was driving alone with money in hand, and have been walking the same point of energetic thoughts to gamble. Hence, the following self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gambling as an incessant diversion to draw off attention from the starting point of existing within hope, where just like in religion I secretly hoped to receive a miracle so to speak so that my life can be easier by winning a jackpot, though, ultimately keeping myself trapped in cycles of a religious construct which offers a thrill to the ride in but will aLIEnate who one is, killing life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time-loop this point due to the nature of myself as being in a hurry to rid myself of the point – where inrushing I failed to see the nature of my starting point according to the individual energetic high within each of a string of assorted energetic/manipulating addictive behaviours that I’ve existed as, thus not fully comprehending the point within each, thus my ineffectiveness due to separation and lack of specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist where I have absolutely never known myself free from existing in some sort of energetic experience, so much so, that to consider Not ever having an energetic experience again, scares the hell out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to experiencing myself in and as ‘ideas’ of energy where throughout my life I have accumulated myself as a variety of ideas/addictive behaviours where I’ve bounced to and from and back and forth as them depending upon accessibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never actually see myself as I did today, where I realized that within my life-line therein lies the truth and/or the consequences of me, where every thought I participate in as every word I speak is a move I make toward who/how I determine my next physical movement within my reality and that to Not understand that I am responsible for and as everything and everyone here is to be existing in nothing more than the nature of and as my own preprogrammed mind as consciousness slavery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I have always been the moving force of me as the piece in what I’ve always seen as a game of chasing myself rather than being here as myself, thus today, when and as I first played with/participated within the notion of gambling, I for a moment lost sight of the goal of consciousness which is to always achieve an Energetic High to continue the fueling of us as mind consciousness systems, which is exactly what is killing me as my physical body as well as the leading cause of depleting our physical reality – which is Not a game – in and as consumerism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to experience the smell of walking into the casino as that of freshly smoked cigarettes and hearing the sound of the slot machines as I would sit and continually feed money into slot machines mindlessly entertained within a hypnotic state of mind as nothing more than how a computer acts during a scheduled upgrade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forEGO the fact that when I loose money gambling I create stress within my physical body which further accelerates the aging process as well as creates dis-ease within the cells of my flesh and internal organs thus, stress being an act of self-abuse upon me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the fiend addicted to some pernicious habit in order to achieve an experience of myself to provide energy to fuel the mind as consciousness so much so that I saw how I was able to stop the demanding urge and downright tantrum/possession within and as my mind, just like giving candy to a baby because today, the moment I allowed myself to buy myself a single serving of chocolate pie, immediately, the urge to gamble stopped, because I gave my mind something to recharge it – sugar – the poison I saw as the least damaging for my physical body within that particular moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the beginning not fully grasp the Desteni material because I didn’t really believe that we’re a pre-programmed mind consciousness systems, only now, as I was taking a simple trip to town to check our mail at the local post office, I saw who I really am within the struggle of inner urges to gamble in my quest to obtain some sort of energy to fuel my mind as consciousness – thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever doubt what I’ve proved to/for myself – that not only are we pre-programmed as consciousness, but that we are led around by our nose according to energetic symbols and impulses as bait/trigger points, which we use and abuse to recharge ourselves as our mind using what we refer to as money, sex, spirituality, sugar, greed and games in and as competition/conflict and survival.

I commit myself to, through self-forgiveness stop who I am as an energetic vampire and to show myself who I am free from the greed of energy and money which is exactly what keeps the world turning as the abuse we see manifested here as hell on earth.

I commit myself to stop how I forEGO life itself when I value energetic experiences over supporting life according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to show how Self-forgiveness will assist to support Self-in-honesty so self can actually see that it IS possible to stop what and who we’ve become as a mind consciousness system thus then gift self the ability to support an Equal Money system creating Heaven on Earth for All.


Please Read Earth’s Journey to Life with regards to ‘The emergence of ideas’:
Day 33: Emergence of Ideas
Day 34: Emergence of Ideas Self Forgiveness Statements
Day 35: Emergence of Ideas Self Forgiveness Statements Continued

Day 36: Emergence of Ideas Self Commitment Statements