Day 300: The War Within Lies

Sometimes, I can’t believe this is how my story goes. Meaning the way my life is at the moment with where I am as I continue to get well from cancer. Within that realization my mind is like on mourning mode and sometimes I get lost in it… Then, last night I dreamed I was at war and I realized how my war within lies.

There is and has been for awhile in my life, a war going on within and as me. This war I started against myself when I was in my early teens. Pain seems to intensify my fears and so the war within me seemed to grow. So it’s strange but things got worse for me when the first of July of this year I added another intense alternative treatment therapy.

The particular treatment I will speak more about when I’m able to – caused my physical body to take quite a hit, and unfortunately, in fear, I lost sight of the struggle my body was going through because all I could think to do in that fear was to keep pushing myself to do whatever I had to do,,, for however long I had to do it, so long as I get myself well from the cancer.

The treatment brought with it consequence of physical / muscle deterioration and extreme physical pain, and, in my lack of awareness, I began taking more and more prescribed pain meds and muscle relaxants , as well as alternative methods in my quest to relieve the pain.

Everything I was doing, it became to much for my physical body. Both my kidneys and my liver began to show symptoms of trouble – trouble from all the methods I’d chosen to help relieve my pain. I had no choice. I had to get off of everything and so a month ago, I did. I stopped taking all the prescription pain meds and muscle relaxants and ibuprofen. I also stopped all alternative methods I’d been using for pain as well.

Now I use nutrition/foods/juice / Omega 3’s and herbal remedies only to reduce the inflammation. I also drink teas with hibiscus, passion flower, lemon balm, just to name a few of the many wonderful herbs and seasoning I use, like tumeric and even capsicum/cayenne pepper.

I also stopped the intense alternative treatment method that I started 5 months ago. And with the assistance of some private interviews / tools that I was fortunate to receive through Eqafe, I’ve been able to easily stop the pain meds with very few side affects and have become effective in breathing through the fear when the pain comes and have been also been successful in my practice of directing myself to change who I am within the fear so as to forever release who I accepted and allowed myself to be within the fear to where I am able to redefine in awareness who I am within and as my physical body when the pain come.

It’s interesting, because I’ve been experiencing less pain as I’ve become more aware of who I’ve been within my accepted belief of myself as my mind to one where I’m understanding that those beliefs about myself no longer ring true to who I am directing myself to be and become as my physical body/ mind and being. Within this forgiving myself comes and that is for sure something one can become successful in doing, forgiving oneself.

My Eqafe personal interviews have also assisted me in becoming aware of how in my pain/fear over the course of 5 months, I created some automated pain patterns. Yeah.. But then after coming off all those pain meds, I’ve also been able to develop an awareness of how often my mind will tell me the movement that I’m about to do – like getting up to go to the bathroom for example – is going to hurt like hell, when in fact, when/as I stop the thoughts/fears, and focus on my breathing while I make the move, it actually doesn’t hurt at all. Sounds crazy I know,  and it is crazy,  how easy we can create patterns.  Therefore, it’s best we learn how to create the patterns that will assist us to live our utmost potential and thus begin to be able to assist in creating a world where All Life can live their utmost potential.

Within the automated patterns, I’ve also created pictures of myself within my mind.  and these patterns I continue to investigate and are part of the war within my dream last night. I will be sharing more on this in blogs to come.

At the moment, I am here, focusing on substantiating my physical body. Beginning with committing myself to make sure that every single day I give my body what it requires nutritionally to repair and recover and heal.

I commit myself to walk in breath and awareness as I consistently nourish my physical body to the best of my ability, and to redefine and become a living expression of the word relax within and as my physical body as I continue to walk my story, my Journey to Life.

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

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Great video below about Vitamin B17 case histories:

 Vitamin B17,laetrile case histories;lung, colon, breast, prostate

Link provided below to the reference I made in this podcast about how finally Big food brands are getting nervous, because their sales of processed, packaged foods have dropped considerably: 

Consumers’ new eating habits are hurting Big Food’s profits

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Sitting here to write about this particular emotional fear energy isn’t something that I want to do. In fact, I’ve become very good at avoiding this point all together by way of one distraction after another until wham! Seemingly out of nowhere I will experience more pain in my upper back / chest area and that pain seems to trigger an experience of emotional fear energy.  Where I would become so influenced by the energy that I wasn’t able to see what was contributing to and thus creating the thing in the first place.

When I’m in that emotional fear energy, it’s like a dark wave comes over me and within that the personal realization and seriousness of my situation comes to surface.  My situation being that I have Cancer, and that it may very well be the thing that kills me.

When I was first diagnosed with Cancer, almost 2 years ago, that was when this particular Emotional Fear Energy pattern was ignited, or more appropriately, that’s when it was first triggered. And I mean, I’m sure we all have this pattern within us and will have to face it because I mean everyone will face their own mortality at some point.

So how can one assist and support themselves to stop this particular emotional fear energy?  This I will be sharing assistance for with this blog and blogs to come.

I knew from the beginning when I first made the decision and firm committment to myself and my physical body to get well and become Cancer free through alternative means and diet and I knew I was beginning what would be a long journey. So, I’m still applying the same alternative treatments that I planned almost 2 years ago and they’re still proving to be very effective. My Physical Body is responding very well in that the Cancer is still diminishing. But even still, there’s no way of knowing for sure the toll that all of it will have on my Physical body,  or even if it will ultimately help me to be Cancer free.

So what’s been going on is for almost 2 years I  accepted and allowed this particular emotional fear energy pattern-  that I can only describe as debilitating – to be the reason why I reach for things to distract myself from what’s really go on within myself,  and instead,  what I do is sort of freeze inside,which is really a way of suppressing myself.   I also go into a waiting game within myself as if I’m giving up on myself.

Alright so, when I participate in and as this particular emotional fear energy I’m not able to see what it is attached to.   The only thing I know for sure is with the energy comes a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Tears will some time swell up, and sometimes, I allow myself to cry, and it’s a deep hard cry. But mostly, I stick to distracting / suppressing myself so as to not look at / investigate what the fear is really attached to.

So the Eqafe interfiew that I heard called: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias, resonated with me and assisted me to realize what’s been going on within me which is a Fear of Losing Control. Identifying this one thing has assisted me to better understand what’s been contributing and creating the emotional fear energy which and has assisted me with a clearer perspective,  which causes the energy itself to lose it’s illusion of control and power over me.

Before,  when the energy would be triggered,  there was no sense to be made of it, so it was as if I would sort of tumble into and as the energy and become fully engulfed in my imagination and basically interpret my fear experience as that of fearing death and dying.

So to Stop Emotional Fear Energy one must first be able to define what one is fearing and when one can do that then one will be able to begin to direct oneself to stop the control the fear had on oneself.    And for me this is huge!

Because I mean since being diagnosed with Cancer, I’ve seen some changes that my physical body has gone through. And within that are the realization that any day the Cancer could spread and get worse and, what will I do if that happens.  and what if my body begins the process of dying’? Will I be aware of it if / when that happens? Will I ultimately lose the use of my bodies facilities? And can I overcome embarrassment if that were to happen? Will my body become ugly or deformed in some way, and if so, will my partner still want to be with me?

So to be clear,  I’ve been able to identifytjat the fear is about what my physical body will have to endure and so what I will have to endure with regards to the physical process of dying.  Any deterioration process.  The decay, the physical pain and suffering, any and all experiences that my physical body may go through – that’s what I’m referring to, that’s what I fear losing control of.  And now that I’ve been able to identify this point,  I’m already seeing my ability to stop accepting and allowing the emotional fear energy to overpower me.

I’m also investigating how I’ve accepted and allowed ‘avoidance’ and ‘despair’ to play a role in me not having the endurance to stand up to this fear of losing control which itself leaves me with the illusion of an inability to direct myself effectively to forgive and release myself of the emotional fear energy experience.  More on these in blogs to come.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotional fear energy to having Cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind attach the word cancer to emotional fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the effects of cancer on my physical body to the emotional fear energy within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to go into emotional fear energy is doing the very thing to myself as my Physicalbody that I am fearing the cancer will do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my cancer story to those who have survived their cancer story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and unmotivated by the emotional fear energy that I have associated with having cancer and with which I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to causing myself to want to give up.

I commit myself to when and as I see emotional fear energy come up in relation to cancer and what having it might do to me, I stop. Instead I direct myself to Breathe and focus on remaining realistic with regards to any and all fears and / or symptoms that may come up from moment to moment and to Not compare my cancer story to those who have survived cancer and to understand that in reality the process of alternative cancer care will have physical symptoms and/or reactions that are Not life threatening and are only a part of the healing process.

Suggested Eqafe Interview: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias

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For Further Context Read:

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Day 290: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – stopping emotional reactions to myself – Day 43

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Day 290: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – stopping emotional reactions to myself – Day 43

For Context Please Read:

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotional reactions within the ‘giving up experience‘, where I’ll become easily irritated and impatient which causes resistance within me which I often allow to influence my relationships in how I respond and interact or react to / with others, as well as with myself from the starting point of the irritation and / or impatience.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘giving up’ is a process that manifests within and as my mind as consciousness and for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that it is me who is making the decision to give up, when in fact the decision to give up began the moment I first resisted and / or reacted to a part of myself within my mind and for that moment when I first turned against myself in my mind which is the exact moment when I gave up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to emotional feeling reactions / energies, which give way for consciousness to make the decision for me to make the giving up official.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily and readily give up on myself and for how I look to find something wrong in things and / or for looking for something somewhere to judge and attack myself or others for.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being pulled into and as irritation and / or impatience and / or resistance within the emotions of the giving up experience, I Stop, I Breathe and move myself to do whatever I can to assist myself – such as writing out what’s going on within me in that moment and / or by taking a short walk or playing fetch with my dog – rather than giving in and accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into and as my mind as ‘the giving up on myself experience‘.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting within my head towards myself, I stop and breathe, I direct myself to in that moment do self investigation to understand my relationship with the point of giving up so to assist myself to walk through the point with stability – instead of reacting and judging myself and building up more emotional and feeling reactions which lead to consciousness making the decision for me to make the giving up process official.

I commit myself to stop giving myself over to my mind within and as the giving up process / experience – to instead investigate the thoughts / voices in my head that I’ve been listening to and the emotions / energy that I’ve been participating in that have turned me against a part of myself in my mind and within that for using entertainment / television as a tool for my mind to fuel itself – to instead use the mind consciousness system to work for me instead of against me in remaining aware of how in that moment of giving up, look at how / why I’m being so hard on myself with regards to this exact point, and how in doing so it further builds a hardness within me, a wall, wherein I’m not able to recognize my own potential, therefore, I commit myself to write out, investigate and identify the mental and physical effects of the giving up process and to practice embracing myself as I continue to walk this process while assisting my physical body to correct imbalances and heal itself.

I commit myself to recognize and appreciate myself for remaining consistent within the process of assisting and supporting myself, my physical body to heal itself of cancer.

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

For Context Read:
Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled by a sinking feeling within the pit of my stomach, where who I am as my mind, as consciousness, seems to pull me into an abyss of sorts, a dark hole within myself wherein I have no motivation and where nausea and fear makes me want to give up before I’ve even given myself the opportunity to get started, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into my mind which then pulls me away from my physical body / reality and living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with the energy experiences I have in relation to myself and the challenges I’m facing with regards to having breast cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate how the mind uses entertainment to control and manipulate and keep one locked into and as the very fear of facing and giving up on one’s self with regards to whatever it is one is resisting to look at / face / change about oneself.

I commit myself to Stop using entertainment / television as a way of allowing myself to be drawn into and as my mind – which then initiates a sinking feeling and then the giving up process – instead, I commit myself to make the decision to immediately pull myself back into the here, to remain stable within and as my physical body.

I commit myself to get out of the energy and give myself the opportunity to be here within and as my body, to see, realize and understand that I am able to stand up and direct my world and my reality.

I commit myself to whenever I’m facing a difficult moment, where I see that I’m experiencing physical reactions – that come with the type of treatments I’m using – I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to remain aware of what’s going on within me at that moment, to Not fear the sinking feeling, and to instead look at what’s going on within me and speak the words ‘I am here’, to assist myself to ground myself back to an awareness that is aligned within and as my physical body and physical reality.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself facing a challenge where I become nauseous and experience a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that in that moment I’m being shifted into and as my mind, so when such a moment of energy occur, I commit myself to shift myself back into and as my physical body and reality and to take the moment to look again at the solutions that I’m using to solve my particular problem / challenge that I’m facing.

 

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Today for me, is ‘Day 5 ON’, meaning it’s day 5 of intense pancreatic enzyme therapy as part of the ongoing alternative treatment plan I’ve been walking as a way to assist my body to heal itself – taking up to 72 pancreatic enzymes a day is part of my plan that recognizes how Cancer is a Metabolic disease.

“At least 86% of all cancer conditions could be adequately treated and/or prevented by diet and pancreatic enzymes.

Cancer is a symptom of inadequate and deficient protein metabolism. The real problem is protein metabolism, not cancer. Cancer is only a symptom telling those who would listen that their protein metabolism is in very serious trouble. Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy only treat the symptoms of cancer.

One hundred years ago Dr. John Beard at the University of Edinburgh discovered that the body’s primary mechanism for destroying cancer is contained in pancreatin, a secretion from the pancreas that includes enzymes for digesting protein (among other things). Enzymes digest or liquefy foods for absorption by the body. Dr. Beard presented pictures in his books and papers to show recoveries using pancreatin. ” One Answer to Cancer

So for those of you who have followed my blog, you already know that in addition to following a strict metabolic diet, I add the pancreatic enzymes which ingest cancer cells, this then should adequately treat and/or can possibly eliminate / prevent cancer.  Also, as part of my daily treatment plan, throughout my day, I take high doses of vitamin C and I take specific mushroom capsules,  as well as Vitamin B17 and I also take multivitamins and other supplements that aid in supporting a healthy immune system.

The metabolic balancing that must occur within the body in order for it to heal itself requires that one eat the proper foods, which during my ‘on days’ can be quite challenging because just as with chemotherapy, the body becomes mild to severely toxic – which can cause a lack of appetite, as well as nausea and /or diarrhea, which are just a few of the many reactions that one may experience physically.

It’s kind of like having the flu and it’s vital that every single day, that I assist my body to detox effectively, by way of the coffee enema for example. It’s also important that my kidneys get flushed well daily so I drink liberal quantities of fluids, such as water and a variety of fresh juices. Cleansing my skin is also important and most people, including myself have overlooked it’s importance.

“Most people overlook the skin as an organ of detoxification. But it is sometimes called “the third kidney,” since many of its functions in fluid and electrolyte balance are similar to those of the kidneys. When great amounts of poisons flood the body, all systems are overloaded and this function of the skin is sorely needed. As the skin is utilized, all sorts of eruptions, odors, colors, and blemishes may appear. These conditions will disappear as the body becomes purified.

One can quickly assess the relative efficiency of elimination through the skin by looking at his iris (the colored portion of the eye). The skin is represented by the outermost part of the iris. If it is very dark and dense, the condition is called a “scurf rim” in iridology, and it means that the skin is relatively blocked as an organ of elimination. To open it up, skin brushing before a shower and vigorous use of a loofah sponge in the shower are recommended…

At the end of the shower, one should turn the water to cool, then to warm. As one becomes accustomed to the temperature change, he or she may go from hot to cold and back several times. This exercises the tiny muscles in the skin, which control dilation and contraction of the pores. As they become stronger, they can respond better to the physiological demands of the body.

After the shower, one can sit in a tub of water with a cup of apple cider vinegar added, to restore and strengthen the acid mantle of the skin. Afterward, the body should be dried and rubbed briskly with a towel until a warm glow is felt.

Epsom salt baths may also be used to help draw toxins out of the skin. These baths are especially beneficial if one is going through a “healing crisis” and is especially toxic and feeling bad.” Dr. William Donald Kelley, D.D.S., M.S.

 

Alright so what happens is that during my days ‘on’, when I’m feeling my worst physically, that’s when I tend to let myself get lost within and as this particular pattern that I’ve come to realize is one that I’ve participated in for most of my life in that, when I would get the flu or become sick, I would plop myself in front of the t.v., and then lose myself within whatever it was/is that I’ve chosen to entertain myself with in order to take my mind off of being sick.

I’m not implying that one should never watch television or movies, but like with everything, moderation is key. The problem is, in my past,  I’ve been the type of person that goes overboard with things, which can cause addictive behaviors and within that an imbalance within and as my physical body may occur.  That’s not acceptable.

Thus here, and in blogs to come, I will investigate this point further to establish a point of stability within myself, so as to be able to direct myself and walk my process more effectively and so Stop accepting and allowing myself to become automated memories / patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a way give up on myself in that when I feel physically ill, I don’t direct myself to walk my process as effectively as I know I’m capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the ‘giving up experience‘, the energy and the mind manipulation of and as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I’m physically sick, to adhere to the desire to entertain myself emotionally by watching movies / television series and / or by watching comedies as a way to forget about how bad I feel physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in patterns of mind manipulation, where I participate in thoughts and emotions of feeling sorry for myself and then the feeling sorry for myself gives way for repeat patterns, where it’s like I’m just killing time so to speak, until I start feeling physically better again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into ‘giving up and/or giving in’, where within my mind my thoughts are ‘I won’t be able to see this thing through’, and within that for allowing myself to believe that it’s just a matter of time before I fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken in by the energy within my definition and acceptance of ‘feeling bad’ and for the thoughts that come with it of ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and for the consequences that ‘giving in’ to and ‘giving up’ manifests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself into my mind‘s justifications and excuses / reasons / energies and / or backchat / thoughts to such a degree that I will feel unfulfilled or incomplete because in and as self sabotage, I’m not putting my all into whatever it is that I’m physically practically walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’m giving up on myself when in fact, I’ve been giving in to and accepting and allowing patterns and behaviors to have control and direction over me.

I commit myself to Stop participating in the ‘giving up experience‘, the energy, the mind manipulation of and as it.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having physical reactions to treatment, to Stop and breathe, to not accept or allow myself to run in and as automated patterns / behaviors of over indulgence in watching t.v.

I commit myself to learn about myself and to develop and grow within who I am by moving myself to put my all into whatever it is that I’m doing through learning about myself to develop who I am as my expression and my living through self honesty and according to what’s best for all.

 

Previous blog with similar topic to this one,  read:

Day 286: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Nature of Worry – Day 40

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Today I stumbled upon the picture of a couple celebrating 40 years of marriage. Now, I knew them when they were a newly married couple and very much a part of my life, some 40 years ago. I was 18, newly married with a baby boy who was less than a year old when I first met them. My then husband and I met them through a new church we were trying out at the time. Him and I would go on to spend some 7 years of our life hanging out with the them and some other couple’s – all of us were part of a young couple’s group that at the time was growing rapidly with many babies on the way.

So I haven’t seen or even heard anything about this couple for at least 30 years, which is around the time that my first marriage ended and I just never saw them again. My ex got custody of our church friends and the church, so seeing the picture of the two of them together celebrating 40 years of marriage triggered a memory of my life with them in it and what I noticed upon seeing it was how within me. I felt a sort of odd comforting energetic sadness.

The oddly familiar emotion / energy is the same as I’ve been aware of going on within me for awhile now. So with the thing coming up again I realize that here’s another opportunity to fall for it or face it straight on and not participate in the energy of the thing. Instead I focus on breathing and continue on without the energy but remaining aware of how within the memory is this sadness / emotion within the idea and self-judgments and fear of loss I have towards myself within my mind in seeing myself growing old..

The topic of growing old and all that it entails has been a familiar topic as of late within the group that my partner and I are apart of, and I highly recommend one watch the Senior Live Google Hangouts for awesome support for topics regarding growing older.

Ok so what I realized when I saw the picture of them looking 40 years older was a moment where within me, I missed me, the me I was when I was with them way back then. For a moment I saw who I was in the memory and I wanted to take in the energy as comfort as if it were real. Instead, I was able to Stop, to breathe and remain aware of myself as I investigated the memory and directed myself to not allow myself to be taken over by it and I realized how growing old feels like the death of ourself, like grieving for ourself.

And I mean, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the face of myself when I was 20, or 30 or even 40! And the thing about growing old is that no one prepares us for it. Sure no one wants to die, but no one really wants to start looking old either. Oh sure people joke about it or even lie and say they enjoy being older… But, ask most people who are over 55 and they’ll tell you that one of the hardest things about getting older is that it’s like you become invisible to others. It’s like people don’t really look at older folks, and anyone who is used to getting attention / energy – based on how they look for example – for them, growing old may mean the beginning of depression and / or feelings of isolation.

Both depression and isolating myself from others is something that I’ve written much self-forgiveness for and yet the point of growing old and how that feels within myself, is one I continue to investigate with the tools I’ve come to learn through Desteni I Process Pro . Together with those tools, and having cancer, I have the opportunity to physically reverse some of the damage that I’ve caused to my physical body through how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be through and as my mind.

I see, realize and understand that, specifically with forgiving myself and letting go of holding on to what used to be. I see how within what feels like grief or sadness is actually a reaction of energy within the ‘fear of loss‘ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct. Seeing that,, I had to ask myself what holding onto things within myself within the construct of ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ – how is being that construct, controlling and influencing my physical body..?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my physical body to be in a constant state of fear that something may or might be lost and within that, I forgive myself for the adrenaline that comes up within my physical body as stress within the fear of ‘I must be ready’, for if and when something goes wrong that would cause me to lose control or cause me to lose my relationship to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words, ‘you can’t control it’ within the ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the relationship between the words; ‘letting go’ and ‘control’ – where I’ve created an illusion that if I don’t control something or someone I will lose it/them and/or I will lose the context of myself in relation to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how that control and fear of loss relationship that the emotional energy creates is a physical tension within and as my physical body and how that physical tension imposes stress within and on the physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with regards to how I react to the idea of letting go of fear of loss becomes similar to the grieving process because it’s who and how I’ve always existed as, thus, participation in any memory / thoughts of growing old and/or grief / sadness of who I used to be is simply because I’ve not yet walked a physical application where I do NOT react when fear of loss and letting go are triggered and / or when thoughts come up within emotions of sadness / grief, therefore, I commit myself to when and as I react in fear of loss and/or fear of letting go in relations to someone or something within my life I stop, I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness in the moment and let go and release, to move myself and Direct myself to Stand within the Decision to let it go.

I commit myself to when and as I see a memory come up – where my mind begs me to remember what so and so did and said, and how wonderful it was in how I believe the memory makes me feel – that this is a red flag for me to know there is more to forgive, thus I commit myself to ask myself what about it do I want to hold onto and what is it about myself within it that I do not want to change – to assist myself to Stand within my Commitment to let go of the fear of loss / the fear of letting go and the feeling of growing old / grief / sadness.

I commit myself to know where I stand with people and things, where I Stop the illusion within my mind of believing that I have to hold onto something or someone and to instead redefine my relationship to it/them according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anything that can be lost, cannot and is Not real.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to continue to Investigate and Forgive myself for my relationship to things and people within the dimensions of control and fear of loss.

 

Day 256: Hooked on a Feeling

This morning I was listening to Joao Jesus‘s song that he wrote/sings/ dedicated to Bernard Poolman shortly after Bernard died. As I heard it I realized I was still in the energy of sadness. I mean, I miss Everything about Bernard to the point that I depended upon my relationship with him to move me, to give me energy, to motivate me.

The ‘Relationship’ I had with Bernard was one that began as a positive energy experience that me as my mind became extremely fond of…Even though I never met Bernard in person, I became acquainted with him online in early 2008 after having spent months listening to quite a list of Desteni video’s on youtube.

It was on the Desteni website that I first read the words of Bernard Poolman as well as when I became familiar with the Desteni material – which contains insights into the afterlife and perspectives on how our mind as consciousness functions.

It All made perfect sense and for the most part, I felt like I was keeping a clear perspective.

However, within my mind, I was making Bernard Poolman out to be a God, our Savior, and the one I aspired to be like.

So basically, I followed Bernard within and as an energy. A positive energetic feeling that I can only describe as ‘intense’, yet within that, there was a sort of,,, built in safety net,  where I would harness any and all attention that I would interpret myself as having received from him.  Then I used that energy for comfort, and I used it to motivate and deceive myself within a picture in my mind giving myself the illusion of progress within walking my process.   So now, I see, realize and understand how in doing so I hindered myself in developing my own point of self trust and stability.

So this is a point I’ve been investigating for a few weeks now and so when I heard Joao’s song this morning and saw how it triggered an energy of sadness,  I began to see how my mind was using that energy to generate and fuel the memory in an attempt to keep my relationship to Bernard alive.  Realizing what was going on I stopped participating in what was a positive cozy feel good energy illusion masked in sadness. All in an attempt to keep in place an idea within my mind with regards to my relationship with Bernard and all the ‘specialness’ that entailed.

So it’s been interesting to see how I depended upon resourcing that energy for/as my mind and only now realizing that I’m actually resourcing the energy from my own physical body so that who I am as ego can continue. WTF!

I mean, I’ve been playing around within and as a emotional experience of sadness and using it to fuel my ego. And how the way that I experienced myself,  in using that sadness emotion, had nothing to do with who Bernard Poolman actually was. Because I mean Bernard was a Man of Honour.  He Honored LIfe within all that Life consists of and as.

So, I certainly see how I fell within this point, and so, I am here. Standing up and beginning again because the thing is, there is nothing else to do. I’ve walked this Journey to Life long enough to know that I can only avoid facing myself for so long. That finally there comes the point where walking the practical application of self correction is not only necessary it’s unavoidable and inevitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a person within my memories to where every time I think about them or think about what happened to them I become sad to where the sadness overwhelms me to the point of compromising myself and my relationship to life and living and within that not seeing, realizing and understanding the extent that doing so can lead one to depression all the while not understanding energy’s relationship to memory and/or to a person therefore, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of participating in the emotional experience of sadness within my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was only looking at the memories through energy.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every time I “think” of the memory, I’m making myself sad, and to instead consider that there’s more to my relationship with this person that I walked for an extended period of time than me just becoming emotionally sad every time I think of them or remember them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only purpose my mind has for reminding me of something and or someone is because it generates energy, an emotional energy of sadness which it utilize to energize itself with.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the energy of sadness feels within my solar plexus, how when I feel sad it’s like a sudden shift inside myself where I feel destabilized and yet within that an odd feeling of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I can’t let go of the sadness because if I let go I’m dishonoring the loss / the relationship, and / or that the sadness will somehow keep them alive.

I commit myself to ground myself in relation to sadness/loss by looking beyond the point of disconnection / the death, and to instead look at the process with which I walked with the person, to look at the gifts within the relationship that I can gift to myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I revisit a memory in relation to death / loss and the sadness comes in relation to the energy I used in looking into them, that all that’s doing is benefiting my mind and in no way benefit who I am or my life and living.

I commit myself to slow down within myself, to be with myself breathing, free from using something or someone outside of myself for energy/stimulation.

I commit myself to look at memories with a clear direct perspective by approaching the memories of that someone / loss within the starting point of ‘what can I learn from what I have walked with the person’.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that TRUST as Self-Trust as Life is the realization that Life is the only Real Value, and that Humanity as a group must Give to each other the Right to Life to such a Level that TRUST can be established that is consistent for all Life so that the Game of Fear can stop and abuse on Earth of Life in favour of survival in self-interest, will be NO MORE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I only trust the inner me as my teacher, I am lost – as the inner me, inner voice, is physically programmed to always follow the system, even when it looks like a Love/Hate Relationship. Any inner voice is ALWAYS the result of external programming that took many years to form the you that you accept yourself to be.

I commit myself to demonstrate that the human is physically programmed as an Organic Robot with Fuzzy Logic that will always end up choosing one of the programmes the system wants the human to choose, regardless of intent and that the human is a physical slave with the Mind NOT the Real Power.

I commit myself to show that Relationships built on: I Love You and Trust Me, are bound to fail, as the Human does not understand how this reality of the Flesh as Living Word really functions.” Bernard Poolman

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Bernard’s Passing Away

The Words of Bernard Poolman

Bernard Poolman people hate to love him

Day 207: Moms on Meds

For context Read:
5 Ways Medication Can Make You a Better Mom

Xanax Makes Me a Better Mom

Problem:
A record number of moms and dads are taking anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants. Statistics show that One In Four women take some kind of prescribed ‘mental health medication’ whether that be an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication or both.

Almost 6 years ago, I was one of those moms. At the time I was prescribed 2 different kinds of anti-depressants, and had been on them for approximately 12 years. I was also regularly taking xanax – which I first began taking in 1988 shortly after my first ‘anxiety attack’. So, I know what it’s like to experience an anxiety attack and what it is to convince yourself that you have to have that little pill to pop in order to assist yourself to cope throughout the day. I know what it’s like to be a mom on meds and I’m very aware of the downhill cycle of fear, suppression, guilt and self-denial.

So let’s look closer at what is written within the article: 5 Ways Medication Can Make You a Better Mom. Where she lists the 5 ways that medication can make you a better mom:

She writes: “5 Ways Meds Can Make You a Better Mom:
1. Help make the oftentimes terrifying world seem like a less terrifying place to raise children.
2. Lessen out-of-control mommy guilt (which, left unchecked, can lead to/aggravate depression).
3. Make it easier to manage the stress of juggling more work/family/life responsibilities than human beings are meant to juggle at one time.
4. Help regulate sleep patterns/avoid crippling fatigue.
5. Help keep the everyday emotional ups-and-downs of your children in perspective.”

The five ways listed from my perspective are actually a list of fears, reasons and justifications. All of which I also used to justify to myself why it was OK for me to pop a pill and numb myself down into a feel good state of mind, and in doing so failed to face the truth of me, of who and how I was existing as in self-denial within a world/money system that is to failing the children of our world.

The fact is, our world is a scary and terrifying place to raise a child, what with the threat of hunger, poverty and war making it’s way to doorsteps of us all. We actually don’t have another moment to waste when it comes to becoming responsible enough to raise our children to become the kind of human being that will support our world according to what’s best for all – because as of now, that kind of human being has never actually existed and our World clearly reflects the truth of that.

When we talk about treating depression we have to look at the facts.  My experience was that combining anti-depressant medication with anti-anxiety medication, the combination of the two,  actually increased my depression. Anyone whose taken anti-anxiety medication for an extended period of time knows that one have to increase their dose over time to get any benefit and that long term use in itself causes more and more depression.  It’s like putting a band-aid on a wound that will never heal.  Initially, when I decided to stop taking anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants, I did so under strict Doctor care because it is extremely dangerous to abruptly stop them, so please, seek medical assistance before doing so.

The first medication I stopped was Xanax. I beLIEved it was my savior in times when I would have extreme panic attacks – so bad that I would have to sit with my head between my legs while my husband would get a cold wash rag for the back of my neck  because I would feel like I was going to pass out. The attacks would be triggered after I had spent much time in my head participating in thoughts over and over and then the fear would become overwhelming as I would accept the emotional baggage of guilt and remorse.

The physical withdrawals from stopping caused my entire body to feel like it was at times vibrating at a high speed. I also experienced a sort of mental-paranoia where I wanted to isolate myself from my world and everybody in it. I also experienced physical symptoms of fever and chills on and off for a couple of months. I also had extreme insomnia in the beginning days of stopping, followed by days where I had to push myself to get out of bed.

What I’ve realized, is that xanax changes your mind only for a moment,  which is actually only suppressing the point, which does and will return for self to face.

When I stopped taking anti-depressants after being on them for 12 years, I did so by tapering off of them during a 3 month period. During that time I experienced anxiety in the daytime, insomnia at night, and the dreaded head symptoms, which vary individually – where one may experience vertigo, lightheadedness, difficulty with balance, blurred vision, tremors, restlessness and hallucinations, burning or tingling sensations in the skin, as well as flu like symptoms may be experienced for up to 3 months. I personally experienced some of all the above symptoms when I stopped.

The Most Important Part of my full recovery was/is walking the Desteni I Process and applying the tools they provide.  Without it, I would have never seen myself through to the point of a full recovery. I was also able to stop the use of at least 12 prescription medicines as well as stopping my addiction to cigarette and marijuana smoking, and, I was also able to stop an addiction to gambling.

It’s very important that one educate and investigate for themself each and every drug that one is considering starting, to be able to completely understand the damage that using them imposes on the physical body. Because the decision to pop a pill, or smoke a joint, or even have that drink, should not be taken lightly.  Desteni I Process is key because it assists one to understand and stop self-abusive patterns/behaviors.

One must understand that whatever we ‘think’ we’re avoiding by doing so – whether that reason be whether it be to ‘regulate sleep patters/avoid crippling fatigue’ and/or to ‘help keep the everyday emotional ups-and-downs of our children in perspective’ – whatever that justifying reason is, we must understand that the point will and does return. Depression is Not a disease, it is a conditioned pattern, a construct of our mind.

Thus whatever our means of avoiding self/distraction is – whether it be popping a pill or having that drink, (or even distracting ourself by way of entertainment) we are only prolonging the inevitability of the fact that we are here to face who we are and direct ourselves to redesign who we are to bring about a World according to what’s best for all.

Solution:
As a mom I know how moms think. And the truth is, as moms, we realize that popping a pill or drinking alcohol, or taking that illegal drug is not the solution for helping ourself raise our children. We see, realize and understand that the systems in place that make our world turn, like for instance the Education system and the Money System are Not providing the support we require in order to raise healthy mentally stable and responsible human beings.

One mom is quoted as saying that she has realized how “we’re just not wired’ to handle the demands of raising children”. I completely agree and this is so important…No one has ever taught us how to become responsible for ourself or our world. However, there is a course now available that assists the individual to begin to understand what’s really going on within their mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions – where one learns how to stabilize and direct themself, and, it’s FREE! . Suggest you check it out: DIP Lite

Many times before I tried to stop my addictive behaviors and when I couldn’t stop, I looked for someone to blame and existed in patterns of guilt.  It was only with the tools offered through Desteni that I was able to completely stop.  It’s been almost 6 years and I no longer have daily thoughts or desires to cope with the use of drugs, and, my panic attackes have completely stopped.  DIP Lite can assist with Real Self-Change because we are taught to understand why and how we have specific thought patterns within our mind and how to stop them.

So, it’s time we asked ourselfes how our behavior is teaching our children to become increasingly dependent upon an already abusive world/money system? And, what are we missing when we’re not ‘here’ in full capacity as breath? Why is it that we keep failing our children in that we are Not prepared to lead by example in creating a world that protects and provides for them? Why is it that we take actions to make ourselves feel better instead of supporting a world/money system that will support All Life, according to what’s best for All?

Reward:
When we create a world where fear and the struggle to survive life is eliminated through a system that supports everybody according to what’s best for all – we’ll stop searching for a way to ‘cope’, a way to ‘feel better’ – because Life itself will become one of ‘Give as you’d like to Receive’ – which will bring about an end to the feeling of self-sacrifice.