Tag Archive | good intentions

Day 300: The War Within Lies

Sometimes, I can’t believe this is how my story goes. Meaning the way my life is at the moment with where I am as I continue to get well from cancer. Within that realization my mind is like on mourning mode and sometimes I get lost in it… Then, last night I dreamed I was at war and I realized how my war within lies.

war within
There is and has been for awhile in my life, a war going on within and as me. This war I started against myself when I was in my early teens. Pain seems to intensify my fears and so the war within me seemed to grow. So it’s strange but things got worse for me when the first of July of this year I added another intense alternative treatment therapy.

The particular treatment I will speak more about when I’m able to – caused my physical body to take quite a hit, and unfortunately, in fear, I lost sight of the struggle my body was going through because all I could think to do in that fear was to keep pushing myself to do whatever I had to do,,, for however long I had to do it, so long as I get myself well from the cancer.

The treatment brought with it consequence of physical / muscle deterioration and extreme physical pain, and, in my lack of awareness, I began taking more and more prescribed pain meds and muscle relaxants , as well as alternative methods in my quest to relieve the pain.

Everything I was doing, it became to much for my physical body. Both my kidneys and my liver began to show symptoms of trouble – trouble from all the methods I’d chosen to help relieve my pain. I had no choice. I had to get off of everything and so a month ago, I did. I stopped taking all the prescription pain meds and muscle relaxants and ibuprofen. I also stopped all alternative methods I’d been using for pain as well.

Now I use nutrition/foods/juice / Omega 3’s and herbal remedies only to reduce the inflammation. I also drink teas with hibiscus, passion flower, lemon balm, just to name a few of the many wonderful herbs and seasoning I use, like tumeric and even capsicum/cayenne pepper.

I also stopped the intense alternative treatment method that I started 5 months ago. And with the assistance of some private interviews / tools that I was fortunate to receive through Eqafe, I’ve been able to easily stop the pain meds with very few side affects and have become effective in breathing through the fear when the pain comes and have been also been successful in my practice of directing myself to change who I am within the fear so as to forever release who I accepted and allowed myself to be within the fear to where I am able to redefine in awareness who I am within and as my physical body when the pain come.

It’s interesting, because I’ve been experiencing less pain as I’ve become more aware of who I’ve been within my accepted belief of myself as my mind to one where I’m understanding that those beliefs about myself no longer ring true to who I am directing myself to be and become as my physical body/ mind and being. Within this forgiving myself comes and that is for sure something one can become successful in doing, forgiving oneself.

My Eqafe personal interviews have also assisted me in becoming aware of how in my pain/fear over the course of 5 months, I created some automated pain patterns. Yeah.. But then after coming off all those pain meds, I’ve also been able to develop an awareness of how often my mind will tell me the movement that I’m about to do – like getting up to go to the bathroom for example – is going to hurt like hell, when in fact, when/as I stop the thoughts/fears, and focus on my breathing while I make the move, it actually doesn’t hurt at all. Sounds crazy I know,  and it is crazy,  how easy we can create patterns.  Therefore, it’s best we learn how to create the patterns that will assist us to live our utmost potential and thus begin to be able to assist in creating a world where All Life can live their utmost potential.

Within the automated patterns, I’ve also created pictures of myself within my mind.  and these patterns I continue to investigate and are part of the war within my dream last night. I will be sharing more on this in blogs to come.

At the moment, I am here, focusing on substantiating my physical body. Beginning with committing myself to make sure that every single day I give my body what it requires nutritionally to repair and recover and heal.

I commit myself to walk in breath and awareness as I consistently nourish my physical body to the best of my ability, and to redefine and become a living expression of the word relax within and as my physical body as I continue to walk my story, my Journey to Life.

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Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Sitting here to write about this particular emotional fear energy isn’t something that I want to do. In fact, I’ve become very good at avoiding this point all together by way of one distraction after another until wham! Seemingly out of nowhere I will experience more pain in my upper back / chest area and that pain seems to trigger an experience of emotional fear energy.  Where I would become so influenced by the energy that I wasn’t able to see what was contributing to and thus creating the thing in the first place.

Emotional Fear Energy

When I’m in that emotional fear energy, it’s like a dark wave comes over me and within that the personal realization and seriousness of my situation comes to surface.  My situation being that I have Cancer, and that it may very well be the thing that kills me.

When I was first diagnosed with Cancer, almost 2 years ago, that was when this particular Emotional Fear Energy pattern was ignited, or more appropriately, that’s when it was first triggered. And I mean, I’m sure we all have this pattern within us and will have to face it because I mean everyone will face their own mortality at some point.

So how can one assist and support themselves to stop this particular emotional fear energy?  This I will be sharing assistance for with this blog and blogs to come.

I knew from the beginning when I first made the decision and firm committment to myself and my physical body to get well and become Cancer free through alternative means and diet and I knew I was beginning what would be a long journey. So, I’m still applying the same alternative treatments that I planned almost 2 years ago and they’re still proving to be very effective. My Physical Body is responding very well in that the Cancer is still diminishing. But even still, there’s no way of knowing for sure the toll that all of it will have on my Physical body,  or even if it will ultimately help me to be Cancer free.

So what’s been going on is for almost 2 years I  accepted and allowed this particular emotional fear energy pattern-  that I can only describe as debilitating – to be the reason why I reach for things to distract myself from what’s really go on within myself,  and instead,  what I do is sort of freeze inside,which is really a way of suppressing myself.   I also go into a waiting game within myself as if I’m giving up on myself.

Alright so, when I participate in and as this particular emotional fear energy I’m not able to see what it is attached to.   The only thing I know for sure is with the energy comes a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Tears will some time swell up, and sometimes, I allow myself to cry, and it’s a deep hard cry. But mostly, I stick to distracting / suppressing myself so as to not look at / investigate what the fear is really attached to.

So the Eqafe interfiew that I heard called: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias, resonated with me and assisted me to realize what’s been going on within me which is a Fear of Losing Control. Identifying this one thing has assisted me to better understand what’s been contributing and creating the emotional fear energy which and has assisted me with a clearer perspective,  which causes the energy itself to lose it’s illusion of control and power over me.

Before,  when the energy would be triggered,  there was no sense to be made of it, so it was as if I would sort of tumble into and as the energy and become fully engulfed in my imagination and basically interpret my fear experience as that of fearing death and dying.

So to Stop Emotional Fear Energy one must first be able to define what one is fearing and when one can do that then one will be able to begin to direct oneself to stop the control the fear had on oneself.    And for me this is huge!

Because I mean since being diagnosed with Cancer, I’ve seen some changes that my physical body has gone through. And within that are the realization that any day the Cancer could spread and get worse and, what will I do if that happens.  and what if my body begins the process of dying’? Will I be aware of it if / when that happens? Will I ultimately lose the use of my bodies facilities? And can I overcome embarrassment if that were to happen? Will my body become ugly or deformed in some way, and if so, will my partner still want to be with me?

So to be clear,  I’ve been able to identifytjat the fear is about what my physical body will have to endure and so what I will have to endure with regards to the physical process of dying.  Any deterioration process.  The decay, the physical pain and suffering, any and all experiences that my physical body may go through – that’s what I’m referring to, that’s what I fear losing control of.  And now that I’ve been able to identify this point,  I’m already seeing my ability to stop accepting and allowing the emotional fear energy to overpower me.

I’m also investigating how I’ve accepted and allowed ‘avoidance’ and ‘despair’ to play a role in me not having the endurance to stand up to this fear of losing control which itself leaves me with the illusion of an inability to direct myself effectively to forgive and release myself of the emotional fear energy experience.  More on these in blogs to come.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotional fear energy to having Cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind attach the word cancer to emotional fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the effects of cancer on my physical body to the emotional fear energy within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to go into emotional fear energy is doing the very thing to myself as my Physicalbody that I am fearing the cancer will do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my cancer story to those who have survived their cancer story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and unmotivated by the emotional fear energy that I have associated with having cancer and with which I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to causing myself to want to give up.

I commit myself to when and as I see emotional fear energy come up in relation to cancer and what having it might do to me, I stop. Instead I direct myself to Breathe and focus on remaining realistic with regards to any and all fears and / or symptoms that may come up from moment to moment and to Not compare my cancer story to those who have survived cancer and to understand that in reality the process of alternative cancer care will have physical symptoms and/or reactions that are Not life threatening and are only a part of the healing process.

Suggested Eqafe Interview: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias

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For Further Context Read:

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Day 290: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – stopping emotional reactions to myself – Day 43

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Day 290: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – stopping emotional reactions to myself – Day 43

For Context Please Read:

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotional reactions within the ‘giving up experience‘, where I’ll become easily irritated and impatient which causes resistance within me which I often allow to influence my relationships in how I respond and interact or react to / with others, as well as with myself from the starting point of the irritation and / or impatience.

dip lite picI forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘giving up’ is a process that manifests within and as my mind as consciousness and for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that it is me who is making the decision to give up, when in fact the decision to give up began the moment I first resisted and / or reacted to a part of myself within my mind and for that moment when I first turned against myself in my mind which is the exact moment when I gave up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to emotional feeling reactions / energies, which give way for consciousness to make the decision for me to make the giving up official.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily and readily give up on myself and for how I look to find something wrong in things and / or for looking for something somewhere to judge and attack myself or others for.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being pulled into and as irritation and / or impatience and / or resistance within the emotions of the giving up experience, I Stop, I Breathe and move myself to do whatever I can to assist myself – such as writing out what’s going on within me in that moment and / or by taking a short walk or playing fetch with my dog – rather than giving in and accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into and as my mind as ‘the giving up on myself experience‘.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting within my head towards myself, I stop and breathe, I direct myself to in that moment do self investigation to understand my relationship with the point of giving up so to assist myself to walk through the point with stability – instead of reacting and judging myself and building up more emotional and feeling reactions which lead to consciousness making the decision for me to make the giving up process official.

I commit myself to stop giving myself over to my mind within and as the giving up process / experience – to instead investigate the thoughts / voices in my head that I’ve been listening to and the emotions / energy that I’ve been participating in that have turned me against a part of myself in my mind and within that for using entertainment / television as a tool for my mind to fuel itself – to instead use the mind consciousness system to work for me instead of against me in remaining aware of how in that moment of giving up, look at how / why I’m being so hard on myself with regards to this exact point, and how in doing so it further builds a hardness within me, a wall, wherein I’m not able to recognize my own potential, therefore, I commit myself to write out, investigate and identify the mental and physical effects of the giving up process and to practice embracing myself as I continue to walk this process while assisting my physical body to correct imbalances and heal itself.

I commit myself to recognize and appreciate myself for remaining consistent within the process of assisting and supporting myself, my physical body to heal itself of cancer.

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

For Context Read:
Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled by a sinking feeling within the pit of my stomach, where who I am as my mind, as consciousness, seems to pull me into an abyss of sorts, a dark hole within myself wherein I have no motivation and where nausea and fear makes me want to give up before I’ve even given myself the opportunity to get started, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into my mind which then pulls me away from my physical body / reality and living.

sinking feelingI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with the energy experiences I have in relation to myself and the challenges I’m facing with regards to having breast cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate how the mind uses entertainment to control and manipulate and keep one locked into and as the very fear of facing and giving up on one’s self with regards to whatever it is one is resisting to look at / face / change about oneself.

I commit myself to Stop using entertainment / television as a way of allowing myself to be drawn into and as my mind – which then initiates a sinking feeling and then the giving up process – instead, I commit myself to make the decision to immediately pull myself back into the here, to remain stable within and as my physical body.

I commit myself to get out of the energy and give myself the opportunity to be here within and as my body, to see, realize and understand that I am able to stand up and direct my world and my reality.

I commit myself to whenever I’m facing a difficult moment, where I see that I’m experiencing physical reactions – that come with the type of treatments I’m using – I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to remain aware of what’s going on within me at that moment, to Not fear the sinking feeling, and to instead look at what’s going on within me and speak the words ‘I am here’, to assist myself to ground myself back to an awareness that is aligned within and as my physical body and physical reality.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself facing a challenge where I become nauseous and experience a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that in that moment I’m being shifted into and as my mind, so when such a moment of energy occur, I commit myself to shift myself back into and as my physical body and reality and to take the moment to look again at the solutions that I’m using to solve my particular problem / challenge that I’m facing.

 

Day 153: Fear Me Not

I’m facing some changes in my life and within them have become very aware of how it’s in the smallest details that I face my biggest fear in asking myself, am I willing, and can I stop my fear of change, to thus change myself from the inside out, where the result is me standing for eternity, in support of and for a World according to what’s best for All.  Thus, beginning here with the following self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear change I am in fact in fear of me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outta control at the idea of a sudden change in my life such as the death of a family member or having to move from where I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have utilized the words ‘out of control’ as a definition of self that keeps me stuck within a place of suppression within myself where I have believed that I’m not strong enough to make it if my life were to suddenly dramatically change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate change with losing something and or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change, where I stop the characters and personalities that I’ve become aware of in who and how I play out the desires of my mind, that I will upset and/or lose those closest to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of change to stop me from taking any action at all which would result in me establishing self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate change as something that will cause me mental discomfort and/or physical pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see change as a point of discontent within an image in my mind where I experience a sense of losing my possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the same routine day after day where within my mind the daily routine locks me into continuing the perception of me as my mind as being in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell stories to myself within my mind in order to make myself continue existing in the belief that I fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with my children as a fear reaction when I see that they are about to enforce a change within their lives that I see will affect mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created a protection and defense mechanism within my mind against change in that when change comes up within my mind, I see how I relate who I am toward people and my environment within a definition of myself that appears to be a safe place of knowing who I am, yet is in fact not so because within me as my mind I exist in reference to and relate myself to that someone and/or my environment remaining the same in order for me to know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if who I am is dependent upon another person and/or my environment to stay a certain way for me to know who I am, then who I have believed myself to be is not and has never been real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to fear change is to fear embracing who I am as life within and as my physical body and my physical reality, outside of and free from the direction of and as my mind.

When and as I see myself begin to fear what I see is going to result in a change within my world, I stop, I breathe.  Instead I direct myself to see, realize and understand that when change in self is required where self-honesty is applied within a principle according to what’s best for all, there is nothing to fear thus, I commit myself to stop going into an automated state of fear and to realize that life is in awareness of self as breath in every moment.

I commit myself to walk in and as the redefinition of self as the words ‘out of control’, where  I direct myself to be in control in determining who I am in self-honesty,  wherein I am stopping who I’ve been as my mind as consciousness because I see, realize and understand that it is I who decides who I am in control of me as my physical body as one who is strong and consistent in bringing forth a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to show that who I am within and as change is to have a clear awareness of myself and my world in being able to assess in common sense what is best for all within any given moment and as such to realize the importance of supporting an Equal Money system as a means of supporting all life according to what’s best for all.

 

Day 91: Do Gooders Hell

Today, I reacted with ‘good intentions‘ while I was defending my grandchildren. I saw how, in my attempt to make a difference in how parents react to their children – I failed, because my starting point was that of the limitation/religious system, consisting of ‘I’m not powerful enough to make a difference in this world’. Fortunately, the pain between my shoulder blades assisted me to see how stiff I was becoming as I testified within the programmed sentencing I was accepting and allowing myself as. Thus, I quickly stopped myself, breathed, forgave myself and corrected myself in the moment. Sharing here further self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as ‘good intentions’ – where I saw myself as I testified within starting point of ‘not being powerful enough to make a difference in this world’, and within that, I forgive myself for how I used my physical body as the point I was enforcing in how I pushed my chest out slightly in a false sense of CONfidence all the while my shoulders asked for my awareness as them as I sought to exist on the outside in polarity to how I was existing on the inside.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become, ‘Testified = see stif die = zombiefied, wherein I knew that me as my physical body felt uncomfortable, yet there was an automated resistance because I ‘wanted’ to make a difference even though I already realize that it’s not about making a difference in this word – it is to Stop EVERYTHING, so that nothing of this world and what humanity has accepted and allowed will remain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved to ‘wanting to do good‘ and/or ‘doing something with good intentions’, because within that as the ‘wanting to make a difference in this world’, is the point where nothing happens, because nothing changes and no difference is made, thus we fail – because our starting point is not as who we are as life as oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking at my intentions – which I now see, realize and understand how from my starting point of being good they served only a point of self preservation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘perceive’ how others expect me to be, where within those expectations, I’m aware of how my responsibility towards various people constitutes my social relationships/interactions/behaviours whereas I become various characters/personalities in order to fulfill how I perceive within my mind that others are expecting me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my shoulders when I knew they were asking for me to be aware of and assist them through and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as my physical body to such a degree that I manifest stiffness and pain in and as it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how ‘Good intentions’ actually pave the road to hell – thus, I commit myself to live by example and focus on myself first, standing one and equal and assisting and supporting others the same as I assist and support myself through self-forgiveness and self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop reacting within the starting point of the limitation/religious system consisting of ‘I’m not powerful enough to make a difference in this world’, because I see, realize and understand that it is Not about making a difference in this world – it is about stopping what is here as our current world/money systems and to support a world/money system according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that there’s nothing I can do ‘out there’ – that it’s in here in every moment, where through self-forgiveness and in self-honesty that I stop me as my mind and apply self-corrective application and align myself in/as oneness and equality.

I commit myself to stop existing according to how I ‘perceive’ others expect me exist, where I constitute my social relationships and my interactions accordingly – instead I breathe and remain stable, directing me in self-honesty according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for me as my physical body.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for our physical/reality/world/existence.

I commit myself to stop living intentions because I see, realize and understand how an intention is not yet here as me and thus is only me trying, which is actually me failing because in that I separate myself from my words, thus I see, realize and understand that I am life and as life I am that which I participate within and as, thus, I commit myself to redefine and live the words I choose according to what’s best for All.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog with regards to:How the World will Never Change – Day 32)