Tag Archive | obsession

Day 256: Hooked on a Feeling

This morning I was listening to Joao Jesus‘s song that he wrote/sings/ dedicated to Bernard Poolman shortly after Bernard died. As I heard it I realized I was still in the energy of sadness. I mean, I miss Everything about Bernard to the point that I depended upon my relationship with him to move me, to give me energy, to motivate me.

The ‘Relationship’ I had with Bernard was one that began as a positive energy experience that me as my mind became extremely fond of…Even though I never met Bernard in person, I became acquainted with him online in early 2008 after having spent months listening to quite a list of Desteni video’s on youtube.
hooked on a feeling
It was on the Desteni website that I first read the words of Bernard Poolman as well as when I became familiar with the Desteni material – which contains insights into the afterlife and perspectives on how our mind as consciousness functions.

It All made perfect sense and for the most part, I felt like I was keeping a clear perspective.

However, within my mind, I was making Bernard Poolman out to be a God, our Savior, and the one I aspired to be like.

So basically, I followed Bernard within and as an energy. A positive energetic feeling that I can only describe as ‘intense’, yet within that, there was a sort of,,, built in safety net,  where I would harness any and all attention that I would interpret myself as having received from him.  Then I used that energy for comfort, and I used it to motivate and deceive myself within a picture in my mind giving myself the illusion of progress within walking my process.   So now, I see, realize and understand how in doing so I hindered myself in developing my own point of self trust and stability.

So this is a point I’ve been investigating for a few weeks now and so when I heard Joao’s song this morning and saw how it triggered an energy of sadness,  I began to see how my mind was using that energy to generate and fuel the memory in an attempt to keep my relationship to Bernard alive.  Realizing what was going on I stopped participating in what was a positive cozy feel good energy illusion masked in sadness. All in an attempt to keep in place an idea within my mind with regards to my relationship with Bernard and all the ‘specialness’ that entailed.

So it’s been interesting to see how I depended upon resourcing that energy for/as my mind and only now realizing that I’m actually resourcing the energy from my own physical body so that who I am as ego can continue. WTF!

I mean, I’ve been playing around within and as a emotional experience of sadness and using it to fuel my ego. And how the way that I experienced myself,  in using that sadness emotion, had nothing to do with who Bernard Poolman actually was. Because I mean Bernard was a Man of Honour.  He Honored LIfe within all that Life consists of and as.

So, I certainly see how I fell within this point, and so, I am here. Standing up and beginning again because the thing is, there is nothing else to do. I’ve walked this Journey to Life long enough to know that I can only avoid facing myself for so long. That finally there comes the point where walking the practical application of self correction is not only necessary it’s unavoidable and inevitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a person within my memories to where every time I think about them or think about what happened to them I become sad to where the sadness overwhelms me to the point of compromising myself and my relationship to life and living and within that not seeing, realizing and understanding the extent that doing so can lead one to depression all the while not understanding energy’s relationship to memory and/or to a person therefore, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of participating in the emotional experience of sadness within my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was only looking at the memories through energy.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every time I “think” of the memory, I’m making myself sad, and to instead consider that there’s more to my relationship with this person that I walked for an extended period of time than me just becoming emotionally sad every time I think of them or remember them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only purpose my mind has for reminding me of something and or someone is because it generates energy, an emotional energy of sadness which it utilize to energize itself with.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the energy of sadness feels within my solar plexus, how when I feel sad it’s like a sudden shift inside myself where I feel destabilized and yet within that an odd feeling of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I can’t let go of the sadness because if I let go I’m dishonoring the loss / the relationship, and / or that the sadness will somehow keep them alive.

I commit myself to ground myself in relation to sadness/loss by looking beyond the point of disconnection / the death, and to instead look at the process with which I walked with the person, to look at the gifts within the relationship that I can gift to myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I revisit a memory in relation to death / loss and the sadness comes in relation to the energy I used in looking into them, that all that’s doing is benefiting my mind and in no way benefit who I am or my life and living.

I commit myself to slow down within myself, to be with myself breathing, free from using something or someone outside of myself for energy/stimulation.

I commit myself to look at memories with a clear direct perspective by approaching the memories of that someone / loss within the starting point of ‘what can I learn from what I have walked with the person’.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that TRUST as Self-Trust as Life is the realization that Life is the only Real Value, and that Humanity as a group must Give to each other the Right to Life to such a Level that TRUST can be established that is consistent for all Life so that the Game of Fear can stop and abuse on Earth of Life in favour of survival in self-interest, will be NO MORE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I only trust the inner me as my teacher, I am lost – as the inner me, inner voice, is physically programmed to always follow the system, even when it looks like a Love/Hate Relationship. Any inner voice is ALWAYS the result of external programming that took many years to form the you that you accept yourself to be.

I commit myself to demonstrate that the human is physically programmed as an Organic Robot with Fuzzy Logic that will always end up choosing one of the programmes the system wants the human to choose, regardless of intent and that the human is a physical slave with the Mind NOT the Real Power.

I commit myself to show that Relationships built on: I Love You and Trust Me, are bound to fail, as the Human does not understand how this reality of the Flesh as Living Word really functions.” Bernard Poolman

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Bernard’s Passing Away

The Words of Bernard Poolman

Bernard Poolman people hate to love him

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Day 234: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – may we not be found wanting/desiring – Day 19

For Context Read: Day 233: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Surviving Normal & Desteni – Day 18

“May we not be found wanting/desiring.” Bernard Poolman

I read that quote by Bernard for the first time some 4 years ago or so and today it assisted me to remember to breathe…It’s been raining all day which is great because we need the rain. The problem is the constant sound of the slow rain began to activate a memory of myself sitting in front of the t.v., watching a romantic comedy on the t.v., and eating my favorite comfort food. Before I know it I processed that memory into thinking and imagining myself eating a big bowl of mac and cheese or a big slice of chocolate cake.

(Suggest to Read for Claritly: Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377)

wanting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, and long for a relationship to food to provide an energetic experience for my mind defined as comfort.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body by ingesting certain foods that create a chemical feeling experience of happiness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the positive energy experience from eating sugar and chocolate and coffee to stimulate and motivate me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to food for a relationship as a replacement to having a relationship / self-intimacy with who I am as my physical body.

It’s crazy how strong the desire within me is to just give in and allow myself to eat anything and everything that I want. But I mean, then what? What I know is that I’ve done that a million times in my life so I already know that nothing is ever as great as the idea of it within our mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the memory of myself sitting at home on a rainy day watching feel good movies and eating as a way of comforting myself to avoid facing who I am within the fear and hollowness of longing.

So, how come I keep taking the bait so to speak? How come I keep giving in to the temptation to participate in the thoughts about eating dead food when I know full well that I will Not give in and eat that which will harm my physical body/ process of healing?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ingest foods according to my own personal interests/opinions and fears as a brainwashed consumer.

Following the Metabolic Diet and eating absolutely no cooked / processed foods is part of the alternative treatment plan that I have chosen to assist my body to dissolve the cancer safely and successfully, so following it to a T is imperative. In my case, it may mean the difference in life or death.

Recently I’ve been investigating who I am with regards to my experience with ‘longing’. The longing to be loved is usually what one might think of when looking at their experience with longing, but for me in this moment my lack of the ability to carry on my relationship to the foods I’ve used for comfort is in immediate need for attention.

It seems like I’ve always longed for something or someone. And the thing about it, even when I got what or who I was longing for, it was never as wonderful as I imagined it would be. Mostly my experience with longing has been one where it’s as if I’m supposed to hold onto something or someone and never let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future without something to look forward to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for something to put into my mouth as a way to pacify and manipulate myself to the point where I settle into my own little world within my mind and the hell with everybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking self-responsibility for the horrors that occur daily within our world/money system because to acknowledge them would mean admitting that I to am responsible for accepting and allowing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something and/or someone as that which I have a relationship with as being important, valuable and precious because I see, realize and understand that within that exist fear of loss, fear of losing my relationships and definitions which has been the very structure of my existence and that which I fear giving up.

When and as I see myself ignoring and/or distracting myself with a memory of my past behaviors on a rainy day I Stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a point that I’ve always avoided which is actually just a point of being ok here with myself, breathing.

When and as I see myself defining something and/or someone that I have a relationship with as  important, valuable and precious, I stop. I Breathe.

I commit myself to stop giving myself excuses, reasons and justifications such as: I still want to do that, I still want to have that, I must still experience this, I must still have that, etc.

Alright, I will continue to investigate this point.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Consumerism and the Way of Influence is Based on the Right of the Consumer to Refuse the Product, yet with the Will Power of the Consumer Influenced, the Profiteer happily transfers Responsibility to the Consumers, always Not with all the Information, but with Enough to Influence the Will of the Consumer. This subtle Brainwash Makes all Humans thusly Influenced without Morals and Not Worthy of Trust – as the Consumers, as Product of Consumerism, will Never Act in the Interest of Life and will in fact see Life as a Threat to their Happiness and Happily Sell their SOULD for just a bit of Happiness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to show that all Abuse on Earth is a Matter of Deliberate Will and that this Deliberateness Accumulates through small allowances to Eventually Look Like Circumstances, while the Outcome was Always Measurable from the beginning. Advertising that molds Will to Brand Loyalty for Instance, uses the Small Measures to Get the Eventual Controlled outcome for Profit and in Part of the Design of individual Will utilized to Shape the will of Man in Consumerism.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 183: The bombs bursting in air

It’s known as one of the biggest days of the year for Oklahoma hunters – the deer gun season opened November 19th. We live about 11 miles from the nearest town, and for the last couple of days there has been a steady increase in the sound created by black powder rifles and muzzle loaders. I would describe the sound as more of a Boom than the crack one might expect to hear from that of a rifle.

We have 5 outside dogs and 2 inside dogs and the sound of what sounds like bombs bursting in the air frequently throughout the day is very frightening for them. They run and hide and have spent the entire day scared and anxious.

I’ve been paying close attention to my own reactions as well and I’ve noticed that every time I hear the boom I have a multitude of experiences that happen within me. Here I am going to investigate what exactly is going on within me and how to assist myself to stop and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear within me when I hear the boom as the sound from those who are shooting the black powder rifles and muzzle loaders and how within that I realize that my fear is existent within the fact that the shooting is coming from an unknown origin, meaning,  I have no idea who is actually doing the shooting nor what they are shooting at, thus who I am within hearing the shots fired is left entirely to the imagination of me as my mind which I’ve accepted to be directed entirely by/as through fear and the experience of negativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought/image within my mind where one of my dogs is ducking for cover to save itself from being hunted and killed by the hunter and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself opening my front door and yelling into the air and toward the sound of the boom – that the hunter might somehow hear me say: ‘Stop it, have some consideration for the animals’, and within that I forgive myself for imaging that I might come face to face with the hunter to tell him to ‘stop being so ignorant, to consider what it would be like to be the animal he hunts’ – because when I put myself in the shoes of the hunter, I see myself in how I have existed in fear as the will to survive and how I’ve used that will to suppress myself to such an extent that I’ve not stopped to consider anyone except myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I hear the sound of the muzzle loader being shot and have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘they’re fucking assholes’ and/or ‘that pisses me off’, it’s because within myself I am taking a negative experience of myself and using ego to turn it into a positive experience, through judging those who hunt and for believing myself as more superior than them, when in actuality, I feel inferior to them, and instead of investigating why and how it is that I feel inferior/superior, I avoid taking self-responsibility by projecting blame onto them because the fact is, I don’t want to see how I have accepted and allowed myself to value myself as more than the animal that’s being hunted, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the memory I have of an experience I had when I was younger – where on more than one occasion and by different adults I was taught that the value of the human is far more superior that of the animal and how in that moment I made the decision and lived the decision and I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I to was more superior and more important than any animal that exists and for how guilty I have felt within myself for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I hear the boom sound of the muzzle loader/rifle being fired, that within me to the depths of my being for a split second, I become enraged, and as I look deeper within myself, I see that my anger is not with someone ‘out there’, my anger is within and as me – anger at myself for how I have neglected to take a long hard look at who I am as ego and greed, and for how I have taken pride in being able to buy and have and enjoy pretty much whatever I wanted, and never once within that did I stop to consider who had to suffer in order for me to live and have and exist as I have/do, nor have I ever taken full self-responsibility for who I am and how I have existed as within our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when writing the words: ‘The bombs bursting in air’, to feel guilt and shame for the fear I felt when I heard gunshots, when the fact is, around our world millions are in threat of losing their life at any moment due to wars where explosives are killing women and children and destroying homes because war is good for economic growth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for how as humans we display and parade around the results of our obvious abusive nature, expecting trophy’s from one another to represent our desire for prestige for the act of being a murderer of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how through self-interest and greed I overlooked a most important point – the role that money plays in this deadly equation of the hunter and the hunted – that when we follow the trail of money we see that the human is in fact subject to the rules of money in his attempt to survive according to the rules of the system – where the animal to a certain extent is not, because the animal is able to provide for itself without a job and/or a cash advance, thus the animal is closer to being free, aware and far more intelligent than the human is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the overall discomforting feeling of tension within and as my physical body when I hear the firing of the guns are the result of what I accept and allow in that, when I accept and allow the death of another living being as the result of my own gross negligence in and as greed and self-interest, that I am in that moment accepting and allowing who I am as cancer itself to slowly grow within and as me and throughout our world/reality/existence.

When and as I see myself existing in fear when I hear the sound of gunshots I stop, I breathe – I commit myself to if possible investigate who and where the shots are being fired from and to educate myself to the goings on within my physical environment/world/reality.

I commit myself to realize that in every moment of breath I have the ability to direct myself to stop who I am in/as fear and to investigate my world/reality/existence as well as to investigate alternative ways to assist my animals to be comfortable and free from fear.

I commit myself to do everything I can to provide a safe and healthy environment for the animals I have accepted responsibility for.

I commit myself to an awareness of myself breathing thus when and as I see myself become irritated when I hear shots being fired and/or at my neighbor, that I will stop and realize that yelling out at anyone in anger is Not the solution, thus, I will myself through self-corrective application to first forgive myself so that I will see clear of anger and thus be able to assist others as myself.

I commit myself to focus on myself breathing so that I may realize what I’ve forgotten in that when I’m reACTING I’m hiding.

I commit myself to show that anger is the product of dANGER in how we have accepted and allowed our world to exist where life is a struggle to overcome the dangers of having no money with the results being that of death and starvation to thousands upon thousands.

I commit myself to when I experience myself as feeling ashamed that I stop and breathe and investigate who and what I’m existing as that I have justified as a reason to exist in and as shame.

I commit myself to in every situation where life is lost/starved/murdered to investigate the role that money plays in manifesting and creating it into our very existence.

I commit myself to show that war will Never be the solution for peace because to many have much to profit from war and that the real solution for peace will come with Equal Money.