Tag Archive | vampires

Day 256: Hooked on a Feeling

This morning I was listening to Joao Jesus‘s song that he wrote/sings/ dedicated to Bernard Poolman shortly after Bernard died. As I heard it I realized I was still in the energy of sadness. I mean, I miss Everything about Bernard to the point that I depended upon my relationship with him to move me, to give me energy, to motivate me.

The ‘Relationship’ I had with Bernard was one that began as a positive energy experience that me as my mind became extremely fond of…Even though I never met Bernard in person, I became acquainted with him online in early 2008 after having spent months listening to quite a list of Desteni video’s on youtube.
hooked on a feeling
It was on the Desteni website that I first read the words of Bernard Poolman as well as when I became familiar with the Desteni material – which contains insights into the afterlife and perspectives on how our mind as consciousness functions.

It All made perfect sense and for the most part, I felt like I was keeping a clear perspective.

However, within my mind, I was making Bernard Poolman out to be a God, our Savior, and the one I aspired to be like.

So basically, I followed Bernard within and as an energy. A positive energetic feeling that I can only describe as ‘intense’, yet within that, there was a sort of,,, built in safety net,  where I would harness any and all attention that I would interpret myself as having received from him.  Then I used that energy for comfort, and I used it to motivate and deceive myself within a picture in my mind giving myself the illusion of progress within walking my process.   So now, I see, realize and understand how in doing so I hindered myself in developing my own point of self trust and stability.

So this is a point I’ve been investigating for a few weeks now and so when I heard Joao’s song this morning and saw how it triggered an energy of sadness,  I began to see how my mind was using that energy to generate and fuel the memory in an attempt to keep my relationship to Bernard alive.  Realizing what was going on I stopped participating in what was a positive cozy feel good energy illusion masked in sadness. All in an attempt to keep in place an idea within my mind with regards to my relationship with Bernard and all the ‘specialness’ that entailed.

So it’s been interesting to see how I depended upon resourcing that energy for/as my mind and only now realizing that I’m actually resourcing the energy from my own physical body so that who I am as ego can continue. WTF!

I mean, I’ve been playing around within and as a emotional experience of sadness and using it to fuel my ego. And how the way that I experienced myself,  in using that sadness emotion, had nothing to do with who Bernard Poolman actually was. Because I mean Bernard was a Man of Honour.  He Honored LIfe within all that Life consists of and as.

So, I certainly see how I fell within this point, and so, I am here. Standing up and beginning again because the thing is, there is nothing else to do. I’ve walked this Journey to Life long enough to know that I can only avoid facing myself for so long. That finally there comes the point where walking the practical application of self correction is not only necessary it’s unavoidable and inevitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a person within my memories to where every time I think about them or think about what happened to them I become sad to where the sadness overwhelms me to the point of compromising myself and my relationship to life and living and within that not seeing, realizing and understanding the extent that doing so can lead one to depression all the while not understanding energy’s relationship to memory and/or to a person therefore, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of participating in the emotional experience of sadness within my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was only looking at the memories through energy.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every time I “think” of the memory, I’m making myself sad, and to instead consider that there’s more to my relationship with this person that I walked for an extended period of time than me just becoming emotionally sad every time I think of them or remember them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only purpose my mind has for reminding me of something and or someone is because it generates energy, an emotional energy of sadness which it utilize to energize itself with.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the energy of sadness feels within my solar plexus, how when I feel sad it’s like a sudden shift inside myself where I feel destabilized and yet within that an odd feeling of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I can’t let go of the sadness because if I let go I’m dishonoring the loss / the relationship, and / or that the sadness will somehow keep them alive.

I commit myself to ground myself in relation to sadness/loss by looking beyond the point of disconnection / the death, and to instead look at the process with which I walked with the person, to look at the gifts within the relationship that I can gift to myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I revisit a memory in relation to death / loss and the sadness comes in relation to the energy I used in looking into them, that all that’s doing is benefiting my mind and in no way benefit who I am or my life and living.

I commit myself to slow down within myself, to be with myself breathing, free from using something or someone outside of myself for energy/stimulation.

I commit myself to look at memories with a clear direct perspective by approaching the memories of that someone / loss within the starting point of ‘what can I learn from what I have walked with the person’.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that TRUST as Self-Trust as Life is the realization that Life is the only Real Value, and that Humanity as a group must Give to each other the Right to Life to such a Level that TRUST can be established that is consistent for all Life so that the Game of Fear can stop and abuse on Earth of Life in favour of survival in self-interest, will be NO MORE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I only trust the inner me as my teacher, I am lost – as the inner me, inner voice, is physically programmed to always follow the system, even when it looks like a Love/Hate Relationship. Any inner voice is ALWAYS the result of external programming that took many years to form the you that you accept yourself to be.

I commit myself to demonstrate that the human is physically programmed as an Organic Robot with Fuzzy Logic that will always end up choosing one of the programmes the system wants the human to choose, regardless of intent and that the human is a physical slave with the Mind NOT the Real Power.

I commit myself to show that Relationships built on: I Love You and Trust Me, are bound to fail, as the Human does not understand how this reality of the Flesh as Living Word really functions.” Bernard Poolman

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Bernard’s Passing Away

The Words of Bernard Poolman

Bernard Poolman people hate to love him

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Day 71: Forgiving my Tendon-Sees

I’ve been experiencing pain in the tendons of my left ankle and leg and have realized the pattern as living in the past as that of participating in/as thoughts and feelings where through comparison I’ve sought approval and attention, thus, I’m grateful for the assistance from my physical body which assisted me in seeing and facing what I was accepting and allowing. Thus, the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the tendonSees of my past actions of myself in how I seek approval from others to validate me as the stress and tension I am actually existing as within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as fear to suppress my self-expression from beginning as a small child for the sake of receiving from others attention and approval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as comparison to seek attention and approval for the sake of entertaining me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into feeling the need to be approved as if I’m a piece of merchandise about to be stocked for sale within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as a seeker of attention which is nothing more than that which my mind approves of and for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in/as self-manipulation participated in thoughts that are only slightly updated from the ones I participated in when I was 5 years old and seeking attention and approval also.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in/as my tendencies to not see/realize and understand how all I’ve ever done is compete with me for approval and attention from me as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as tendencies/patterns to not see/realize and understand how I’ve circled around and around the same patterns which are consistent with the same thoughts of desiring to receive attention – where only the pictures have changed/updated, but the programming of me as my mind is the same as it’s always been – where it never matters who or where I receive attention from, because it’s never enough, because it is Me I’m looking for as the attention I desire from me as me in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as tendencies/patterns to remain in polarity by dividing myself into compartments within myself – whereas I compare myself to others, Not seeing/realizing and understanding my TendonSees in how I’m only competing with myself as my mind as consciousness to receive myself as charged in/as energy in/as my own attention and approval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as tendencies/patterns to feel guilty for comparing myself to others within my attempt to seek approval and attention, not seeing/realizing and understanding that I’ve been walking a continuous mind construct of/as consciousness which I began when I was a child seeking approval and attention from my parents, how ultimately, there is Not enough approval and attention to fill what I am actually requiring to gift to myself, which is me in self-honesty, according to what’s best for all,.

I commit myself to purifying me as the word comparison and releasing me from competing within and as my mind as consciousness through self-corrective application in/as the directive principle of me as my mind according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as habitual tendencies/patterns to seek for attention and approval from others because I’ve not been willing to give to myself that which I seek to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in/as tendencies/patterns to Not see/realize and understand that when I become willing to give to myself that which I seek to receive is when I’ll be willing to give to All living beings freely that which All seek to receive, which is the ability of living a quality of life in loving self as life unconditionally, free from the restraints of and as our current world/money system.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of seeking approval and attention from outside myself, I stop.
I breathe in what I see/realize and understand in this moment – that I have fought this same point within my mind as consciousness long enough and I have proved to myself that I am only ever competing with myself within my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and, that I have made the decision to Stop and Direct me according to what is real and what matters, which is supporting a world/money system according to what’s best for all, where All living beings will be able to unconditionally receive the assistance required to support our physical body and our physical reality, thus, we’ll begin to explore ourselves and each other as real self-expressions as who we really are, together here as Life.

I commit myself to stop the Tendons- I-See of/as me as comparison and in/as seeking attention and approval and instead, I support me as the Tendons-of-me as my physical body in/as support within and as this physical reality, through Standing up and Supporting a way of Life where All living beings are provided for according to what’s best for All.