Tag Archive | possessed

Day 300: The War Within Lies

Sometimes, I can’t believe this is how my story goes. Meaning the way my life is at the moment with where I am as I continue to get well from cancer. Within that realization my mind is like on mourning mode and sometimes I get lost in it… Then, last night I dreamed I was at war and I realized how my war within lies.

war within
There is and has been for awhile in my life, a war going on within and as me. This war I started against myself when I was in my early teens. Pain seems to intensify my fears and so the war within me seemed to grow. So it’s strange but things got worse for me when the first of July of this year I added another intense alternative treatment therapy.

The particular treatment I will speak more about when I’m able to – caused my physical body to take quite a hit, and unfortunately, in fear, I lost sight of the struggle my body was going through because all I could think to do in that fear was to keep pushing myself to do whatever I had to do,,, for however long I had to do it, so long as I get myself well from the cancer.

The treatment brought with it consequence of physical / muscle deterioration and extreme physical pain, and, in my lack of awareness, I began taking more and more prescribed pain meds and muscle relaxants , as well as alternative methods in my quest to relieve the pain.

Everything I was doing, it became to much for my physical body. Both my kidneys and my liver began to show symptoms of trouble – trouble from all the methods I’d chosen to help relieve my pain. I had no choice. I had to get off of everything and so a month ago, I did. I stopped taking all the prescription pain meds and muscle relaxants and ibuprofen. I also stopped all alternative methods I’d been using for pain as well.

Now I use nutrition/foods/juice / Omega 3’s and herbal remedies only to reduce the inflammation. I also drink teas with hibiscus, passion flower, lemon balm, just to name a few of the many wonderful herbs and seasoning I use, like tumeric and even capsicum/cayenne pepper.

I also stopped the intense alternative treatment method that I started 5 months ago. And with the assistance of some private interviews / tools that I was fortunate to receive through Eqafe, I’ve been able to easily stop the pain meds with very few side affects and have become effective in breathing through the fear when the pain comes and have been also been successful in my practice of directing myself to change who I am within the fear so as to forever release who I accepted and allowed myself to be within the fear to where I am able to redefine in awareness who I am within and as my physical body when the pain come.

It’s interesting, because I’ve been experiencing less pain as I’ve become more aware of who I’ve been within my accepted belief of myself as my mind to one where I’m understanding that those beliefs about myself no longer ring true to who I am directing myself to be and become as my physical body/ mind and being. Within this forgiving myself comes and that is for sure something one can become successful in doing, forgiving oneself.

My Eqafe personal interviews have also assisted me in becoming aware of how in my pain/fear over the course of 5 months, I created some automated pain patterns. Yeah.. But then after coming off all those pain meds, I’ve also been able to develop an awareness of how often my mind will tell me the movement that I’m about to do – like getting up to go to the bathroom for example – is going to hurt like hell, when in fact, when/as I stop the thoughts/fears, and focus on my breathing while I make the move, it actually doesn’t hurt at all. Sounds crazy I know,  and it is crazy,  how easy we can create patterns.  Therefore, it’s best we learn how to create the patterns that will assist us to live our utmost potential and thus begin to be able to assist in creating a world where All Life can live their utmost potential.

Within the automated patterns, I’ve also created pictures of myself within my mind.  and these patterns I continue to investigate and are part of the war within my dream last night. I will be sharing more on this in blogs to come.

At the moment, I am here, focusing on substantiating my physical body. Beginning with committing myself to make sure that every single day I give my body what it requires nutritionally to repair and recover and heal.

I commit myself to walk in breath and awareness as I consistently nourish my physical body to the best of my ability, and to redefine and become a living expression of the word relax within and as my physical body as I continue to walk my story, my Journey to Life.

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

what's stopping you

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Sitting here to write about this particular emotional fear energy isn’t something that I want to do. In fact, I’ve become very good at avoiding this point all together by way of one distraction after another until wham! Seemingly out of nowhere I will experience more pain in my upper back / chest area and that pain seems to trigger an experience of emotional fear energy.  Where I would become so influenced by the energy that I wasn’t able to see what was contributing to and thus creating the thing in the first place.

Emotional Fear Energy

When I’m in that emotional fear energy, it’s like a dark wave comes over me and within that the personal realization and seriousness of my situation comes to surface.  My situation being that I have Cancer, and that it may very well be the thing that kills me.

When I was first diagnosed with Cancer, almost 2 years ago, that was when this particular Emotional Fear Energy pattern was ignited, or more appropriately, that’s when it was first triggered. And I mean, I’m sure we all have this pattern within us and will have to face it because I mean everyone will face their own mortality at some point.

So how can one assist and support themselves to stop this particular emotional fear energy?  This I will be sharing assistance for with this blog and blogs to come.

I knew from the beginning when I first made the decision and firm committment to myself and my physical body to get well and become Cancer free through alternative means and diet and I knew I was beginning what would be a long journey. So, I’m still applying the same alternative treatments that I planned almost 2 years ago and they’re still proving to be very effective. My Physical Body is responding very well in that the Cancer is still diminishing. But even still, there’s no way of knowing for sure the toll that all of it will have on my Physical body,  or even if it will ultimately help me to be Cancer free.

So what’s been going on is for almost 2 years I  accepted and allowed this particular emotional fear energy pattern-  that I can only describe as debilitating – to be the reason why I reach for things to distract myself from what’s really go on within myself,  and instead,  what I do is sort of freeze inside,which is really a way of suppressing myself.   I also go into a waiting game within myself as if I’m giving up on myself.

Alright so, when I participate in and as this particular emotional fear energy I’m not able to see what it is attached to.   The only thing I know for sure is with the energy comes a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Tears will some time swell up, and sometimes, I allow myself to cry, and it’s a deep hard cry. But mostly, I stick to distracting / suppressing myself so as to not look at / investigate what the fear is really attached to.

So the Eqafe interfiew that I heard called: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias, resonated with me and assisted me to realize what’s been going on within me which is a Fear of Losing Control. Identifying this one thing has assisted me to better understand what’s been contributing and creating the emotional fear energy which and has assisted me with a clearer perspective,  which causes the energy itself to lose it’s illusion of control and power over me.

Before,  when the energy would be triggered,  there was no sense to be made of it, so it was as if I would sort of tumble into and as the energy and become fully engulfed in my imagination and basically interpret my fear experience as that of fearing death and dying.

So to Stop Emotional Fear Energy one must first be able to define what one is fearing and when one can do that then one will be able to begin to direct oneself to stop the control the fear had on oneself.    And for me this is huge!

Because I mean since being diagnosed with Cancer, I’ve seen some changes that my physical body has gone through. And within that are the realization that any day the Cancer could spread and get worse and, what will I do if that happens.  and what if my body begins the process of dying’? Will I be aware of it if / when that happens? Will I ultimately lose the use of my bodies facilities? And can I overcome embarrassment if that were to happen? Will my body become ugly or deformed in some way, and if so, will my partner still want to be with me?

So to be clear,  I’ve been able to identifytjat the fear is about what my physical body will have to endure and so what I will have to endure with regards to the physical process of dying.  Any deterioration process.  The decay, the physical pain and suffering, any and all experiences that my physical body may go through – that’s what I’m referring to, that’s what I fear losing control of.  And now that I’ve been able to identify this point,  I’m already seeing my ability to stop accepting and allowing the emotional fear energy to overpower me.

I’m also investigating how I’ve accepted and allowed ‘avoidance’ and ‘despair’ to play a role in me not having the endurance to stand up to this fear of losing control which itself leaves me with the illusion of an inability to direct myself effectively to forgive and release myself of the emotional fear energy experience.  More on these in blogs to come.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotional fear energy to having Cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind attach the word cancer to emotional fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the effects of cancer on my physical body to the emotional fear energy within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to go into emotional fear energy is doing the very thing to myself as my Physicalbody that I am fearing the cancer will do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my cancer story to those who have survived their cancer story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and unmotivated by the emotional fear energy that I have associated with having cancer and with which I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to causing myself to want to give up.

I commit myself to when and as I see emotional fear energy come up in relation to cancer and what having it might do to me, I stop. Instead I direct myself to Breathe and focus on remaining realistic with regards to any and all fears and / or symptoms that may come up from moment to moment and to Not compare my cancer story to those who have survived cancer and to understand that in reality the process of alternative cancer care will have physical symptoms and/or reactions that are Not life threatening and are only a part of the healing process.

Suggested Eqafe Interview: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias

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For Further Context Read:

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Day 290: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – stopping emotional reactions to myself – Day 43

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Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

For Context Read:
Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled by a sinking feeling within the pit of my stomach, where who I am as my mind, as consciousness, seems to pull me into an abyss of sorts, a dark hole within myself wherein I have no motivation and where nausea and fear makes me want to give up before I’ve even given myself the opportunity to get started, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sucked into my mind which then pulls me away from my physical body / reality and living.

sinking feelingI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with the energy experiences I have in relation to myself and the challenges I’m facing with regards to having breast cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate how the mind uses entertainment to control and manipulate and keep one locked into and as the very fear of facing and giving up on one’s self with regards to whatever it is one is resisting to look at / face / change about oneself.

I commit myself to Stop using entertainment / television as a way of allowing myself to be drawn into and as my mind – which then initiates a sinking feeling and then the giving up process – instead, I commit myself to make the decision to immediately pull myself back into the here, to remain stable within and as my physical body.

I commit myself to get out of the energy and give myself the opportunity to be here within and as my body, to see, realize and understand that I am able to stand up and direct my world and my reality.

I commit myself to whenever I’m facing a difficult moment, where I see that I’m experiencing physical reactions – that come with the type of treatments I’m using – I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to remain aware of what’s going on within me at that moment, to Not fear the sinking feeling, and to instead look at what’s going on within me and speak the words ‘I am here’, to assist myself to ground myself back to an awareness that is aligned within and as my physical body and physical reality.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself facing a challenge where I become nauseous and experience a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that in that moment I’m being shifted into and as my mind, so when such a moment of energy occur, I commit myself to shift myself back into and as my physical body and reality and to take the moment to look again at the solutions that I’m using to solve my particular problem / challenge that I’m facing.

 

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

giving up
Today for me, is ‘Day 5 ON’, meaning it’s day 5 of intense pancreatic enzyme therapy as part of the ongoing alternative treatment plan I’ve been walking as a way to assist my body to heal itself – taking up to 72 pancreatic enzymes a day is part of my plan that recognizes how Cancer is a Metabolic disease.

“At least 86% of all cancer conditions could be adequately treated and/or prevented by diet and pancreatic enzymes.

Cancer is a symptom of inadequate and deficient protein metabolism. The real problem is protein metabolism, not cancer. Cancer is only a symptom telling those who would listen that their protein metabolism is in very serious trouble. Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy only treat the symptoms of cancer.

One hundred years ago Dr. John Beard at the University of Edinburgh discovered that the body’s primary mechanism for destroying cancer is contained in pancreatin, a secretion from the pancreas that includes enzymes for digesting protein (among other things). Enzymes digest or liquefy foods for absorption by the body. Dr. Beard presented pictures in his books and papers to show recoveries using pancreatin. ” One Answer to Cancer

So for those of you who have followed my blog, you already know that in addition to following a strict metabolic diet, I add the pancreatic enzymes which ingest cancer cells, this then should adequately treat and/or can possibly eliminate / prevent cancer.  Also, as part of my daily treatment plan, throughout my day, I take high doses of vitamin C and I take specific mushroom capsules,  as well as Vitamin B17 and I also take multivitamins and other supplements that aid in supporting a healthy immune system.

The metabolic balancing that must occur within the body in order for it to heal itself requires that one eat the proper foods, which during my ‘on days’ can be quite challenging because just as with chemotherapy, the body becomes mild to severely toxic – which can cause a lack of appetite, as well as nausea and /or diarrhea, which are just a few of the many reactions that one may experience physically.

It’s kind of like having the flu and it’s vital that every single day, that I assist my body to detox effectively, by way of the coffee enema for example. It’s also important that my kidneys get flushed well daily so I drink liberal quantities of fluids, such as water and a variety of fresh juices. Cleansing my skin is also important and most people, including myself have overlooked it’s importance.

“Most people overlook the skin as an organ of detoxification. But it is sometimes called “the third kidney,” since many of its functions in fluid and electrolyte balance are similar to those of the kidneys. When great amounts of poisons flood the body, all systems are overloaded and this function of the skin is sorely needed. As the skin is utilized, all sorts of eruptions, odors, colors, and blemishes may appear. These conditions will disappear as the body becomes purified.

One can quickly assess the relative efficiency of elimination through the skin by looking at his iris (the colored portion of the eye). The skin is represented by the outermost part of the iris. If it is very dark and dense, the condition is called a “scurf rim” in iridology, and it means that the skin is relatively blocked as an organ of elimination. To open it up, skin brushing before a shower and vigorous use of a loofah sponge in the shower are recommended…

At the end of the shower, one should turn the water to cool, then to warm. As one becomes accustomed to the temperature change, he or she may go from hot to cold and back several times. This exercises the tiny muscles in the skin, which control dilation and contraction of the pores. As they become stronger, they can respond better to the physiological demands of the body.

After the shower, one can sit in a tub of water with a cup of apple cider vinegar added, to restore and strengthen the acid mantle of the skin. Afterward, the body should be dried and rubbed briskly with a towel until a warm glow is felt.

Epsom salt baths may also be used to help draw toxins out of the skin. These baths are especially beneficial if one is going through a “healing crisis” and is especially toxic and feeling bad.” Dr. William Donald Kelley, D.D.S., M.S.

 

Alright so what happens is that during my days ‘on’, when I’m feeling my worst physically, that’s when I tend to let myself get lost within and as this particular pattern that I’ve come to realize is one that I’ve participated in for most of my life in that, when I would get the flu or become sick, I would plop myself in front of the t.v., and then lose myself within whatever it was/is that I’ve chosen to entertain myself with in order to take my mind off of being sick.

I’m not implying that one should never watch television or movies, but like with everything, moderation is key. The problem is, in my past,  I’ve been the type of person that goes overboard with things, which can cause addictive behaviors and within that an imbalance within and as my physical body may occur.  That’s not acceptable.

Thus here, and in blogs to come, I will investigate this point further to establish a point of stability within myself, so as to be able to direct myself and walk my process more effectively and so Stop accepting and allowing myself to become automated memories / patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a way give up on myself in that when I feel physically ill, I don’t direct myself to walk my process as effectively as I know I’m capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the ‘giving up experience‘, the energy and the mind manipulation of and as it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I’m physically sick, to adhere to the desire to entertain myself emotionally by watching movies / television series and / or by watching comedies as a way to forget about how bad I feel physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in patterns of mind manipulation, where I participate in thoughts and emotions of feeling sorry for myself and then the feeling sorry for myself gives way for repeat patterns, where it’s like I’m just killing time so to speak, until I start feeling physically better again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into ‘giving up and/or giving in’, where within my mind my thoughts are ‘I won’t be able to see this thing through’, and within that for allowing myself to believe that it’s just a matter of time before I fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken in by the energy within my definition and acceptance of ‘feeling bad’ and for the thoughts that come with it of ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and for the consequences that ‘giving in’ to and ‘giving up’ manifests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself into my mind‘s justifications and excuses / reasons / energies and / or backchat / thoughts to such a degree that I will feel unfulfilled or incomplete because in and as self sabotage, I’m not putting my all into whatever it is that I’m physically practically walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’m giving up on myself when in fact, I’ve been giving in to and accepting and allowing patterns and behaviors to have control and direction over me.

I commit myself to Stop participating in the ‘giving up experience‘, the energy, the mind manipulation of and as it.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having physical reactions to treatment, to Stop and breathe, to not accept or allow myself to run in and as automated patterns / behaviors of over indulgence in watching t.v.

I commit myself to learn about myself and to develop and grow within who I am by moving myself to put my all into whatever it is that I’m doing through learning about myself to develop who I am as my expression and my living through self honesty and according to what’s best for all.

 

Previous blog with similar topic to this one,  read:

Day 286: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Nature of Worry – Day 40

Day 256: Hooked on a Feeling

This morning I was listening to Joao Jesus‘s song that he wrote/sings/ dedicated to Bernard Poolman shortly after Bernard died. As I heard it I realized I was still in the energy of sadness. I mean, I miss Everything about Bernard to the point that I depended upon my relationship with him to move me, to give me energy, to motivate me.

The ‘Relationship’ I had with Bernard was one that began as a positive energy experience that me as my mind became extremely fond of…Even though I never met Bernard in person, I became acquainted with him online in early 2008 after having spent months listening to quite a list of Desteni video’s on youtube.
hooked on a feeling
It was on the Desteni website that I first read the words of Bernard Poolman as well as when I became familiar with the Desteni material – which contains insights into the afterlife and perspectives on how our mind as consciousness functions.

It All made perfect sense and for the most part, I felt like I was keeping a clear perspective.

However, within my mind, I was making Bernard Poolman out to be a God, our Savior, and the one I aspired to be like.

So basically, I followed Bernard within and as an energy. A positive energetic feeling that I can only describe as ‘intense’, yet within that, there was a sort of,,, built in safety net,  where I would harness any and all attention that I would interpret myself as having received from him.  Then I used that energy for comfort, and I used it to motivate and deceive myself within a picture in my mind giving myself the illusion of progress within walking my process.   So now, I see, realize and understand how in doing so I hindered myself in developing my own point of self trust and stability.

So this is a point I’ve been investigating for a few weeks now and so when I heard Joao’s song this morning and saw how it triggered an energy of sadness,  I began to see how my mind was using that energy to generate and fuel the memory in an attempt to keep my relationship to Bernard alive.  Realizing what was going on I stopped participating in what was a positive cozy feel good energy illusion masked in sadness. All in an attempt to keep in place an idea within my mind with regards to my relationship with Bernard and all the ‘specialness’ that entailed.

So it’s been interesting to see how I depended upon resourcing that energy for/as my mind and only now realizing that I’m actually resourcing the energy from my own physical body so that who I am as ego can continue. WTF!

I mean, I’ve been playing around within and as a emotional experience of sadness and using it to fuel my ego. And how the way that I experienced myself,  in using that sadness emotion, had nothing to do with who Bernard Poolman actually was. Because I mean Bernard was a Man of Honour.  He Honored LIfe within all that Life consists of and as.

So, I certainly see how I fell within this point, and so, I am here. Standing up and beginning again because the thing is, there is nothing else to do. I’ve walked this Journey to Life long enough to know that I can only avoid facing myself for so long. That finally there comes the point where walking the practical application of self correction is not only necessary it’s unavoidable and inevitable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a person within my memories to where every time I think about them or think about what happened to them I become sad to where the sadness overwhelms me to the point of compromising myself and my relationship to life and living and within that not seeing, realizing and understanding the extent that doing so can lead one to depression all the while not understanding energy’s relationship to memory and/or to a person therefore, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the consequences of participating in the emotional experience of sadness within my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was only looking at the memories through energy.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every time I “think” of the memory, I’m making myself sad, and to instead consider that there’s more to my relationship with this person that I walked for an extended period of time than me just becoming emotionally sad every time I think of them or remember them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only purpose my mind has for reminding me of something and or someone is because it generates energy, an emotional energy of sadness which it utilize to energize itself with.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the energy of sadness feels within my solar plexus, how when I feel sad it’s like a sudden shift inside myself where I feel destabilized and yet within that an odd feeling of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I can’t let go of the sadness because if I let go I’m dishonoring the loss / the relationship, and / or that the sadness will somehow keep them alive.

I commit myself to ground myself in relation to sadness/loss by looking beyond the point of disconnection / the death, and to instead look at the process with which I walked with the person, to look at the gifts within the relationship that I can gift to myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I revisit a memory in relation to death / loss and the sadness comes in relation to the energy I used in looking into them, that all that’s doing is benefiting my mind and in no way benefit who I am or my life and living.

I commit myself to slow down within myself, to be with myself breathing, free from using something or someone outside of myself for energy/stimulation.

I commit myself to look at memories with a clear direct perspective by approaching the memories of that someone / loss within the starting point of ‘what can I learn from what I have walked with the person’.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that TRUST as Self-Trust as Life is the realization that Life is the only Real Value, and that Humanity as a group must Give to each other the Right to Life to such a Level that TRUST can be established that is consistent for all Life so that the Game of Fear can stop and abuse on Earth of Life in favour of survival in self-interest, will be NO MORE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I only trust the inner me as my teacher, I am lost – as the inner me, inner voice, is physically programmed to always follow the system, even when it looks like a Love/Hate Relationship. Any inner voice is ALWAYS the result of external programming that took many years to form the you that you accept yourself to be.

I commit myself to demonstrate that the human is physically programmed as an Organic Robot with Fuzzy Logic that will always end up choosing one of the programmes the system wants the human to choose, regardless of intent and that the human is a physical slave with the Mind NOT the Real Power.

I commit myself to show that Relationships built on: I Love You and Trust Me, are bound to fail, as the Human does not understand how this reality of the Flesh as Living Word really functions.” Bernard Poolman

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Bernard’s Passing Away

The Words of Bernard Poolman

Bernard Poolman people hate to love him

Day 234: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – may we not be found wanting/desiring – Day 19

For Context Read: Day 233: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Surviving Normal & Desteni – Day 18

“May we not be found wanting/desiring.” Bernard Poolman

I read that quote by Bernard for the first time some 4 years ago or so and today it assisted me to remember to breathe…It’s been raining all day which is great because we need the rain. The problem is the constant sound of the slow rain began to activate a memory of myself sitting in front of the t.v., watching a romantic comedy on the t.v., and eating my favorite comfort food. Before I know it I processed that memory into thinking and imagining myself eating a big bowl of mac and cheese or a big slice of chocolate cake.

(Suggest to Read for Claritly: Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377)

wanting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, and long for a relationship to food to provide an energetic experience for my mind defined as comfort.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body by ingesting certain foods that create a chemical feeling experience of happiness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the positive energy experience from eating sugar and chocolate and coffee to stimulate and motivate me to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn to food for a relationship as a replacement to having a relationship / self-intimacy with who I am as my physical body.

It’s crazy how strong the desire within me is to just give in and allow myself to eat anything and everything that I want. But I mean, then what? What I know is that I’ve done that a million times in my life so I already know that nothing is ever as great as the idea of it within our mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the memory of myself sitting at home on a rainy day watching feel good movies and eating as a way of comforting myself to avoid facing who I am within the fear and hollowness of longing.

So, how come I keep taking the bait so to speak? How come I keep giving in to the temptation to participate in the thoughts about eating dead food when I know full well that I will Not give in and eat that which will harm my physical body/ process of healing?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ingest foods according to my own personal interests/opinions and fears as a brainwashed consumer.

Following the Metabolic Diet and eating absolutely no cooked / processed foods is part of the alternative treatment plan that I have chosen to assist my body to dissolve the cancer safely and successfully, so following it to a T is imperative. In my case, it may mean the difference in life or death.

Recently I’ve been investigating who I am with regards to my experience with ‘longing’. The longing to be loved is usually what one might think of when looking at their experience with longing, but for me in this moment my lack of the ability to carry on my relationship to the foods I’ve used for comfort is in immediate need for attention.

It seems like I’ve always longed for something or someone. And the thing about it, even when I got what or who I was longing for, it was never as wonderful as I imagined it would be. Mostly my experience with longing has been one where it’s as if I’m supposed to hold onto something or someone and never let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my future without something to look forward to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for something to put into my mouth as a way to pacify and manipulate myself to the point where I settle into my own little world within my mind and the hell with everybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking self-responsibility for the horrors that occur daily within our world/money system because to acknowledge them would mean admitting that I to am responsible for accepting and allowing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something and/or someone as that which I have a relationship with as being important, valuable and precious because I see, realize and understand that within that exist fear of loss, fear of losing my relationships and definitions which has been the very structure of my existence and that which I fear giving up.

When and as I see myself ignoring and/or distracting myself with a memory of my past behaviors on a rainy day I Stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a point that I’ve always avoided which is actually just a point of being ok here with myself, breathing.

When and as I see myself defining something and/or someone that I have a relationship with as  important, valuable and precious, I stop. I Breathe.

I commit myself to stop giving myself excuses, reasons and justifications such as: I still want to do that, I still want to have that, I must still experience this, I must still have that, etc.

Alright, I will continue to investigate this point.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Consumerism and the Way of Influence is Based on the Right of the Consumer to Refuse the Product, yet with the Will Power of the Consumer Influenced, the Profiteer happily transfers Responsibility to the Consumers, always Not with all the Information, but with Enough to Influence the Will of the Consumer. This subtle Brainwash Makes all Humans thusly Influenced without Morals and Not Worthy of Trust – as the Consumers, as Product of Consumerism, will Never Act in the Interest of Life and will in fact see Life as a Threat to their Happiness and Happily Sell their SOULD for just a bit of Happiness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to show that all Abuse on Earth is a Matter of Deliberate Will and that this Deliberateness Accumulates through small allowances to Eventually Look Like Circumstances, while the Outcome was Always Measurable from the beginning. Advertising that molds Will to Brand Loyalty for Instance, uses the Small Measures to Get the Eventual Controlled outcome for Profit and in Part of the Design of individual Will utilized to Shape the will of Man in Consumerism.” Bernard Poolman

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