Tag Archive | Reaction

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Today I stumbled upon the picture of a couple celebrating 40 years of marriage. Now, I knew them when they were a newly married couple and very much a part of my life, some 40 years ago. I was 18, newly married with a baby boy who was less than a year old when I first met them. My then husband and I met them through a new church we were trying out at the time. Him and I would go on to spend some 7 years of our life hanging out with the them and some other couple’s – all of us were part of a young couple’s group that at the time was growing rapidly with many babies on the way.

what used to be

So I haven’t seen or even heard anything about this couple for at least 30 years, which is around the time that my first marriage ended and I just never saw them again. My ex got custody of our church friends and the church, so seeing the picture of the two of them together celebrating 40 years of marriage triggered a memory of my life with them in it and what I noticed upon seeing it was how within me. I felt a sort of odd comforting energetic sadness.

The oddly familiar emotion / energy is the same as I’ve been aware of going on within me for awhile now. So with the thing coming up again I realize that here’s another opportunity to fall for it or face it straight on and not participate in the energy of the thing. Instead I focus on breathing and continue on without the energy but remaining aware of how within the memory is this sadness / emotion within the idea and self-judgments and fear of loss I have towards myself within my mind in seeing myself growing old..

The topic of growing old and all that it entails has been a familiar topic as of late within the group that my partner and I are apart of, and I highly recommend one watch the Senior Live Google Hangouts for awesome support for topics regarding growing older.

Ok so what I realized when I saw the picture of them looking 40 years older was a moment where within me, I missed me, the me I was when I was with them way back then. For a moment I saw who I was in the memory and I wanted to take in the energy as comfort as if it were real. Instead, I was able to Stop, to breathe and remain aware of myself as I investigated the memory and directed myself to not allow myself to be taken over by it and I realized how growing old feels like the death of ourself, like grieving for ourself.

And I mean, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the face of myself when I was 20, or 30 or even 40! And the thing about growing old is that no one prepares us for it. Sure no one wants to die, but no one really wants to start looking old either. Oh sure people joke about it or even lie and say they enjoy being older… But, ask most people who are over 55 and they’ll tell you that one of the hardest things about getting older is that it’s like you become invisible to others. It’s like people don’t really look at older folks, and anyone who is used to getting attention / energy – based on how they look for example – for them, growing old may mean the beginning of depression and / or feelings of isolation.

Both depression and isolating myself from others is something that I’ve written much self-forgiveness for and yet the point of growing old and how that feels within myself, is one I continue to investigate with the tools I’ve come to learn through Desteni I Process Pro . Together with those tools, and having cancer, I have the opportunity to physically reverse some of the damage that I’ve caused to my physical body through how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be through and as my mind.

I see, realize and understand that, specifically with forgiving myself and letting go of holding on to what used to be. I see how within what feels like grief or sadness is actually a reaction of energy within the ‘fear of loss‘ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct. Seeing that,, I had to ask myself what holding onto things within myself within the construct of ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ – how is being that construct, controlling and influencing my physical body..?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my physical body to be in a constant state of fear that something may or might be lost and within that, I forgive myself for the adrenaline that comes up within my physical body as stress within the fear of ‘I must be ready’, for if and when something goes wrong that would cause me to lose control or cause me to lose my relationship to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words, ‘you can’t control it’ within the ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the relationship between the words; ‘letting go’ and ‘control’ – where I’ve created an illusion that if I don’t control something or someone I will lose it/them and/or I will lose the context of myself in relation to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how that control and fear of loss relationship that the emotional energy creates is a physical tension within and as my physical body and how that physical tension imposes stress within and on the physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with regards to how I react to the idea of letting go of fear of loss becomes similar to the grieving process because it’s who and how I’ve always existed as, thus, participation in any memory / thoughts of growing old and/or grief / sadness of who I used to be is simply because I’ve not yet walked a physical application where I do NOT react when fear of loss and letting go are triggered and / or when thoughts come up within emotions of sadness / grief, therefore, I commit myself to when and as I react in fear of loss and/or fear of letting go in relations to someone or something within my life I stop, I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness in the moment and let go and release, to move myself and Direct myself to Stand within the Decision to let it go.

I commit myself to when and as I see a memory come up – where my mind begs me to remember what so and so did and said, and how wonderful it was in how I believe the memory makes me feel – that this is a red flag for me to know there is more to forgive, thus I commit myself to ask myself what about it do I want to hold onto and what is it about myself within it that I do not want to change – to assist myself to Stand within my Commitment to let go of the fear of loss / the fear of letting go and the feeling of growing old / grief / sadness.

I commit myself to know where I stand with people and things, where I Stop the illusion within my mind of believing that I have to hold onto something or someone and to instead redefine my relationship to it/them according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anything that can be lost, cannot and is Not real.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to continue to Investigate and Forgive myself for my relationship to things and people within the dimensions of control and fear of loss.

 

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Day 57: Declining Blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I manipulate myself and others according to the relationship I have with myself within my mind of thoughts and according to how I use feelings and emotional games where I justify abusing myself and others for the sake of having a positive and/or negative experience of myself that ultimately only matters to my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and utilize the feelings and emotions of others to keep score against them in my pursuit to have an experience of myself according to a belief of myself as being superior and/or inferior and how when all my attempts fall through, I then place blame outside of myself instead of facing me directly as the cause for the affect of myself according to how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to position myself as more than another using money as the determining factor where within myself I use money against another to be the cause for my blaming them, when in fact I had already set the stage for another to fail in order to validate my agenda according to how I keep score.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny that which I witnessed within myself as a backchat thought of dishonesty in setting the stage for my blame game where I knew if only for a split second exactly what I was doing but I didn’t stop. I see/realize and understand that when and as I become aware of me as a resonant pattern of blame in supporting a polarity equation where I keep score against others according to how I’m experiencing myself as negative and/or positive I stop, I breathe. I direct me here as the directive principle of me according to what’s best for all.

Art by Adam Closs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep score according to a negative and/or positive experience that I wanted to have of myself instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that within my expectations to/towards how I experience myself I am in actuality the only one who is creating an experience of myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that battles, wars and terrorism occur because of blaming others instead of taking self-responsibility for our inner selves which manifests as our outer world/existence as ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through blaming others for how I experience myself haven’t realized that in doing so I am devaluing others through superiority in support of me as self-interest/ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world/money system where money is used to manipulate others into blaming instead of standing together in support of a world where living exists for the sole purpose of supporting one another according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand how I In fact, step by step created a polarity conflict resonance design that became a relationship experience within myself to/towards my daughter and her boyfriend and is in fact how I create experiences of myself within relationships within and as the resonance design of blame in and as a polarity conflict experience.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to place a negative score/ charge to/towards another: I immediately stop, I Breathe. I assert myself to practically re-look within the context of me, the situation and consider all points/parts practically in self-honesty, equal and one, and I will not immediately jump to a conclusion by/through accepting and allowing and defining myself within and as a negative/positive score/charge to/towards another.

I commit myself to stop myself as the resonant design of blame where I manipulate and keep score against others as I attempt to ensure positive experiences for/of myself.

I commit myself to remain diligent in breathing in awareness of me to check myself daily and apply self-forgiveness for resonant patterns of blame within polarity points of friction in attempts to maintain myself within experiences of myself and to direct myself according to living as/to life a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to show how through proper education such as with Desteni I Process we can stop and become the directive principle of ourselves in self-honesty and thus create a world according to what’s best for all as Heaven on Earth.

Day 56: Spitfire & the Cold Shoulder

Self-forgiveness for my recent reaction/spite and blame to/towards my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity equation where I reacted in turning a cold shoulder in spite to/towards my partner blaming him for how I was having a negative experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner as having done something wrong when in fact I was reacting in anger towards avoiding facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger towards my partner when the inner experience of myself was one of existing within a negative polarity experience of spiting myself for avoiding facing myself within a point of blame, where instead of facing myself in self-honesty and walking the point through in self-forgiveness, I sidestepped it with the cold shoulder of spite where I blamed my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite and criticize my partner for how he’s walking his process when in fact, I’m having doubts about myself and my process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn to manipulation where I manipulate my partner into an agreement that it’s because of him that I feel the way I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off finishing a lesson in SRA because I found it difficult to push through what I see was me acting within and as blame, spite and animosity.


Shoulder for me sounds like:
soldier
SOULd her
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give my partner the cold shoulder within the polarity of spitefire, using the words ‘I told you so’, as a weapon of words, when in fact I’m acting on the outside according to the relationship I’m having internally with myself according to the direction of my mind as a resonant pattern that I’ve existed as in blaming others for how I experience myself that I’ve acted as since I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the polarity points of love/hate, right/wrong and positive/negative where within that I have SOULd myself to the dEVIL of fire and brimstone creating eternal punishments in hell within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become like the soldier in battle where inside I am battling with myself, but bringing the war going on inside to the outside and facing off in blame and spite towards another in the line of my spitfire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct anger to/towards another and/or my partner even when as I see that I’m the cause that I’ve been attempting to fault another and/or my partner with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for my whole life be a blamoholic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing and forgiving me as who I am as a resonant design of keeping score in/as blame, animosity and spite where I blame others for how I’m experiencing myself because I fear facing me.

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of keeping score in blame, animosity and spite, I stop. I breathe. I direct me here in realizing that I’ve existed in and as the same pattern over and over and it no longer serves who I am becoming through self-forgivenes.

I commit myself to stop who I am in blame, animosity and spite through self-forgiveness.
I commit myself to Not give up on me.
I commit myself to Not give up on Life itself.
I commit myself to understanding and forgiving who I am in polarity.
I commit myself to showing that real living as life has never yet been lived here on Earth but has only been existent through the mind as lived in reverse as the Devil.
I commit myself to show that self-forgiveness and self-honesty is the key to self living Heaven on Earth according to what’s best for all.

(To be continued as I’m forgiving and walking through my current SRA Lesson through Desteni I Process.)

Day 18: Relationship Reaction to Voice Tonality

My partner said something to me today, and I reacted. Looking at the point now, it’s interesting because I see how I didn’t react so much to the words he said as much as the tone in which he spoke them. Obviously, I heard his words, but it was in his voice tonality in how it resonated within me – in how I connected with his meaning through his tone and then reacted.  My reaction was just there suddenly and I allowed myself to be swept into an emotional storm even within an understanding within myself that my reaction was coming forth even in my awareness of how I was in fact existing as the very point I was reacting to, and, I didn’t stop.  I didn’t stop and breathe and direct myself as I’ve learned and applied before – actually as we’ve both learned and applied before through our course in Desteni I Process.

So what happened was, I began to speak within an unconscious reaction, and then because of my voice tonality, my partner then reacted towards me, and so the complete moment turned into outbursts at each other until we both finally recognized ourself as breath, and stopped.  This is the point that I’m applying self-forgiveness for.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my partners voice tonality – instead of stopping and moving myself to breathe and communicate to my partner that I’ve gone into an immediate reaction so as to allow myself a moment to breathe and remain here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to Not assist and support myself and my partner in being aware of my/our breathing to become aware of our voice tonality that it remain constant, clear, here, without reaction.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to when talking about a specific point with my partner I unconsciously reacted to his voice tonality which he then upon hearing a rise within my voice tonality, then reacted causing us both to set off a series of CHAIN REACTIONS, literally, existing as nothing more than  two minds as consciousness colliding and arguing at each other – which is of no use to us, or anyone or anything within this world, and certainly is in no way self-honest communication.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall within the point wherein there was a moment within myself when I had the opportunity to stop, to shut the fuck up and breathe, to recognize the part of me that was equal to the tonality within his voice that I  reacted to, that I felt disappointment to/towards and thus, instead of forgiving myself,  I demanded a form of restitution by attacking.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be directed as a reactive energy of and as my mind as consciousness instead of breathing and directing myself here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to during a disagreement with my partner – want to throw my hands up and say fuck it – when in fact when I stop and breathe, and direct myself in self-honesty, I realize that that is Not what I really want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and impatient towards my partner, instead of stopping and breathing in what I’ve realized in that that which I judge and/or bitch about another is in fact what I’m existing as within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to pull away in further separation from my partner during moments of disagreement – instead of stopping immediately and moving myself to breathe wherein I am able to see myself clearly in how and what I’m existing as and accepting myself to be in the moment and correct myself through self-corrective application.

Artwork By: Andrew Gable

I commit myself to when I see a reaction coming up within me to/towards my partner- I commit myself to stop and breathe and move myself to communicate in self-honesty in sharing what is going on within me so that my partner and I may assist and support each other with effective communication and through self-forgiveness assist each other walking together our individual Journey to Life to assist and support in bringing about a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to slowing down and remaining aware of myself as breath so as to assist and support myself and my partner in assisting others in stopping the suffering and abuse and standing up in support for and as all Life.

I commit myself to never giving up on myself as I walk this process of self-forgiveness, along this Journey to Life, as I see and realize that this world is not as it can and must be in order that suffering and abuse may someday end, and in seeing the suffering of the animals and in realizing how the children of this world suffer in silence til they become living examples of us and so the cycles of suffering, abuse and death continue,  and I see, realize and understand that I am equally responsible to assist life as it currently exists so that Life in it’s truest form may emerge here within and as our physical reality as all as one as Equal.

I commit myself to becoming life as speaking and living words as me in self-honesty wherein my words as me in written and spoken form may emerge into and as a way that is supportive to/for and as all living beings and thus I commit myself to first breathing before I accept myself as inserting words unto this reality so that I may be assured that I am stopping myself from contributing any further suffering and/or abuse upon another and that I am in fact standing up for what’s Best for All.

“I commit myself to create love as the living result of communication, past life clearing, vocabulary alignment, psychological patterning clearing, self honesty, intimacy, goal alignment, investigation of and release of irrational fears and the training of myself in the skills of effective agreement design that all my relationships maybe always be best on what is best for life because of the relationship that was agreed to be formed.” Bernard Poolman

For further assistance with relationships visit: Creation’s Journey to Life –  Day 14: Do you Love Breakups?

And Desteni I Process New Relationships  Course