Tag Archive | rape

Day 300: The War Within Lies

Sometimes, I can’t believe this is how my story goes. Meaning the way my life is at the moment with where I am as I continue to get well from cancer. Within that realization my mind is like on mourning mode and sometimes I get lost in it… Then, last night I dreamed I was at war and I realized how my war within lies.

war within
There is and has been for awhile in my life, a war going on within and as me. This war I started against myself when I was in my early teens. Pain seems to intensify my fears and so the war within me seemed to grow. So it’s strange but things got worse for me when the first of July of this year I added another intense alternative treatment therapy.

The particular treatment I will speak more about when I’m able to – caused my physical body to take quite a hit, and unfortunately, in fear, I lost sight of the struggle my body was going through because all I could think to do in that fear was to keep pushing myself to do whatever I had to do,,, for however long I had to do it, so long as I get myself well from the cancer.

The treatment brought with it consequence of physical / muscle deterioration and extreme physical pain, and, in my lack of awareness, I began taking more and more prescribed pain meds and muscle relaxants , as well as alternative methods in my quest to relieve the pain.

Everything I was doing, it became to much for my physical body. Both my kidneys and my liver began to show symptoms of trouble – trouble from all the methods I’d chosen to help relieve my pain. I had no choice. I had to get off of everything and so a month ago, I did. I stopped taking all the prescription pain meds and muscle relaxants and ibuprofen. I also stopped all alternative methods I’d been using for pain as well.

Now I use nutrition/foods/juice / Omega 3’s and herbal remedies only to reduce the inflammation. I also drink teas with hibiscus, passion flower, lemon balm, just to name a few of the many wonderful herbs and seasoning I use, like tumeric and even capsicum/cayenne pepper.

I also stopped the intense alternative treatment method that I started 5 months ago. And with the assistance of some private interviews / tools that I was fortunate to receive through Eqafe, I’ve been able to easily stop the pain meds with very few side affects and have become effective in breathing through the fear when the pain comes and have been also been successful in my practice of directing myself to change who I am within the fear so as to forever release who I accepted and allowed myself to be within the fear to where I am able to redefine in awareness who I am within and as my physical body when the pain come.

It’s interesting, because I’ve been experiencing less pain as I’ve become more aware of who I’ve been within my accepted belief of myself as my mind to one where I’m understanding that those beliefs about myself no longer ring true to who I am directing myself to be and become as my physical body/ mind and being. Within this forgiving myself comes and that is for sure something one can become successful in doing, forgiving oneself.

My Eqafe personal interviews have also assisted me in becoming aware of how in my pain/fear over the course of 5 months, I created some automated pain patterns. Yeah.. But then after coming off all those pain meds, I’ve also been able to develop an awareness of how often my mind will tell me the movement that I’m about to do – like getting up to go to the bathroom for example – is going to hurt like hell, when in fact, when/as I stop the thoughts/fears, and focus on my breathing while I make the move, it actually doesn’t hurt at all. Sounds crazy I know,  and it is crazy,  how easy we can create patterns.  Therefore, it’s best we learn how to create the patterns that will assist us to live our utmost potential and thus begin to be able to assist in creating a world where All Life can live their utmost potential.

Within the automated patterns, I’ve also created pictures of myself within my mind.  and these patterns I continue to investigate and are part of the war within my dream last night. I will be sharing more on this in blogs to come.

At the moment, I am here, focusing on substantiating my physical body. Beginning with committing myself to make sure that every single day I give my body what it requires nutritionally to repair and recover and heal.

I commit myself to walk in breath and awareness as I consistently nourish my physical body to the best of my ability, and to redefine and become a living expression of the word relax within and as my physical body as I continue to walk my story, my Journey to Life.

Day 104: Dog-Eat-Dog World

Recently – I accepted and allowed myself to stress which is related to how our current money system exists -thus sharing here self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel’ as if I’ve only got one leg to stand on within this current world/money system that exists as a dog-eat-dog world where one must eat or be eaten, meaning to hell with everyone else because even if we have to lie and cheat to do it, we will survive within this dog-eat-dog world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world/money system where people will fight for themselves only and will hurt other people because we believe ourselves to be that which we are living as, which is a dog-eat-dog world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and become sad when I hear my child cry in fear of not being able to pay the rent and feed her child and within that I forgive myself for wanting to make my child ‘feel’ better by paying the bills and then feeling guilty because I can’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my day worrying over whether my children can pay their rent and have food to eat and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be concerned about the welfare of mine – instead of the welfare of All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as my mind of thoughts in fear of what’s going to happen if there’s not enough money to survive to the point where I feel as if I am being suffocated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the lives of my own children and family but ignore the thousands of children around the world who starve to death daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world/money system where money is the God that determines who lives and who dies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at our current world/money system even though I see it is me that I am angry at for accepting and allowing hell on earth to continue.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed greed to rule me according to the rules of a money system that will let a child go homeless and starve to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how money is the common DEMONator within every moment of our daily lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world/money system where through competition we sell things that other people need for more than we paid for it just so we can profit because it’s a dog-eat-dog world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a system where people live on hope and a prayer to have more than their neighbor – instead of walking in and as the shoes of their neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the importance in giving unto another that which one would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world/money system where people are so hungry for success that they will do anything to survive and be successful – instead of considering the consequences of consciousness in the very acts of our survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world/money system that gives a false sense of caring through charities and/or donations which only act as a bandaid when in fact the wounds from our money system is a huge gapping whole of pain and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world/money system that does not consider nor support that which allows us to be here in the first place which is our physical bodies and our physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a world where we’ve yet to comprehend that life exists according to how and what we each individually decide – and that we / I can decide to support an Equal Money system and manifest Heaven on Earth.

I commit myself to stop charging me as my mind through emotions and feelings in fear and worry about my children’s ability to survive within our current world/money system.

I commit myself to educate people to the fact that we do Not have to continue this world as it is where we are constantly struggling to survive, how that through an Equal Money system every child born will be provided for from birth til death.

I commit myself to support me as my physical body and physical reality through stopping myself in/as participating in worry and stress, to see, realize and understand that I can only support and direct myself in this moment of breath.

I commit myself to comprehend and thus show how our world/money system functions in/as War itself according to it’s own purpose within it’s own physical manifestation of our entire physical existence within it’s own interest in accordance to serving only those who are rich instead of standing as physical living support for and as all Life.

I commit myself to fully comprehend, and thus show how the world/money system has it’s own mind as the mind of men and that the only practical living solution for the human to stop existing in/as a dog-eat-dog world will be that of an Equal Money System – thus eventually bringing an end to self-interest and greed.

Day 103: At the End of the Day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from the facts that are everywhere to be seen and understood of how and why our world is the way it is and how and why we are the way we are – because at the end of the day, I’m preprogrammed as consciousness and scared as hell to face what I’ve accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not question what was going on in the mind of a person that can take them to the point to open fire upon and kill people setting in a movie theater – because at the end of the day we put our trust in the media stories to determine the facts for us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world/money system that puts people in jail and fines them hundreds of dollars for collecting rainwater – because at the end of the day, no one really cares about the fact that profit is valued over life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people really do want to know the truth about how our world/money system exists – because at the end of the day the fact is, people still pray for a cure for cancer which already exists, and to a God that doesn’t exist because they ‘think’ it makes them ‘feel‘ better – instead of realizing it is that which keeps us enslaved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support a world/money system where people will become whatever character is necessary for them to receive their monthly paycheck – because at the end of the day no one cares to apply common sense and take self-responsibility in making a decision to stop supporting that which is Not supportive for All life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that what we allow to happen to another we are ultimately accepting and allowing to happen to us – because at the end of the day the majority is enslaved to the minority – instead of realizing what it really means to walk in the shoes of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore how the most common causes of stress in family life are money and work related in/as being enslaved to our current world/money system – because at the end of the day, we don’t want to let go of self-interest and greed and come together as a Group to Stand in Support of an Equal Money System to bring an end to world hunger/wars and enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the battle within myself and manifest and create it as my outside world – because at the end of the day I haven’t seen, realized and understood how when I see war and hunger I am seeing my own existence within and as myself as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even when we ‘believe’ we’ve ‘found’ ourselves, we still get up every morning and go to work every day and participate in same way, always enslaved to the same world/money system – because at the end of the day we’ve not considered a solution to why so many millions of people are happily participating in this capitalistic repressive system and ‘believing’ ourselves to be living ‘the good LIEfe’ within an enslaved institution as consciousness programmed beings – thus in our choosing to ‘believe we’ve found ourselves’ we’re only expressing the continuation of our participation in/as our own mind/enslavement.

I commit myself to at the end of the day in self-honesty prove to/for myself that I have walked the day in and as the shoes of another in standing in support of a system which will educate All living beings in how to effectively support our earth and all life here according to manifesting a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to question and investigate my world and to see, realize and understand my responsibility within everything and all life here.

I commit myself to stop sacrificing the lives of all so that a few can have everything and to instead support a system which supports Everyone according to What’s Best for All to manifest a world in/as Equality.

Please read and watch the following for reference:
The Century of the Self
Colorado shooting suspect was facing eviction
30 Days In Jail For Collecting Rainwater
Cancer Cure Documentary – Dr. Burzynski Antineoplaston Therapy
Day 15: Who am I? Prisoner of the Mind?
Day 27: Money is the Soldiers of the Mind
Equal Money

Day 93: CONditions of Acceptance

The point of anger towards self according to my acceptance was a point I was able to direct and breathe through today. This is a point I’ve been investigating within myself for awhile with regards to how and what I give acceptance to. Thus sharing here Self-Forgiveness. – –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place CONditions of my acceptance of how life exists here based on my personal survival/money system.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide myself within and as characters of/as my mind in acceptance of/as specific requireMENts of me in order to maintain a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through fear of loss, accept self validation through others acceptance of me according to how I support their ideas and opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forsake the acceptance of me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand how when I place acceptance inside me as my physical body from the starting point of comparison and greed, I create stress which erupts upon the flesh of me as my Physical Body.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand how accepting and placing conditions within and upon our Physical Bodies/Reality and limiting support to only those who can pay – creates separation as who we are as our Physical Bodies/Reality, thus we All Pay the price in that to Neglect & Abuse any part of our Physical Bodies/Reality is the same as neglecting and abusing All of us as our Physical Bodies/Reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Not being accepted by others when speaking up for what I see and realize in equal understanding of how All life must be supported in order to Stop suffering and create Heaven on Earth with Equal Money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child accept a decision within the context of acceptance and allowance as being the consequence of a decision I made based on how I reacted within a moment in my reality – where within that, I wasn’t actually making a decision according to who I actually am within myself – according to how I was going to walk my life in this world – instead I accepted the consequence of my reaction to become my actual relationship to my reality in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not see, realize and understand how what I have perceived as me making decisions as who I am within my life have only actually been acceptances and allowances according to our world/money system/friends/family, etc, thus, my decisions have been based on my relationship to my past/memories/personalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a ‘holier than thou’ attitude in/as a character/personality to/towards our entire world/money system in believing it to be evil, instead of realizing how the entire world/money system is merely reflecting the evil that I exist as through and as my own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself for how I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships toward the world and people that has impacted my ability, my physical movement and direction in/as my future on this earth, according to my specific point of acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept our current world/money system from the perspective of my own experiences, according to how I exist – where I have money and the ability to feed, clothe and provide for myself and within that I failed to consider how almost half the world — over three billion people — live on less than $2.50 a day – and this I’ve been willing to Not only Accept, I’ve also Allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through Not questioning how and what I’m giving acceptance to – live as evil, denying what I’m allowing through shame of how and what is here manifested and created within our world as us, and thus the reason why we’ve not actually ever stood up and taken self-responsibility for ourselves as our physical bodies and our physical reality/world/existence.

When and as I see myself existing within a point of desire in wanting acceptance, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that to do so is actually existing in self-denial and I am no longer willing to accept that as who I am.

I commit myself to stop placing conditions on what I’m willing to accept and allow and instead realize that acceptance of self is real when self accepts life on Earth living according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to stop hiding in/as characters/personalities of as my mind as consciousness where I place requirements as comparison and judgment unto others and instead I see, realize and understand how agreements as life according to what’s best for All is the only way to maintain a sense of harmoney in/as self.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I do not require acceptance – only self-acceptance in self-honesty living equal to and one with all here.

I commit myself to discover who I am as my physical body in full acceptance of/as life here within our physical reality/world/existence according to what’s best for All.

I Commit myself to show how what we give acceptance to is how/what we manifest and create as our World as the outer/physical reality reflecting the inner/physical reality.

I commit myself to prove to me that I am honest with me in every moment as self expression of inner awareness, where I am able to directly point out that which exist within others which is not who they are within and without, as knowing others are as me and not accepting and allowing anything less than who they are as me as life, living according to what’s best for All.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog with regards to: The 1% that Controls All Choice: DAY 89)

Day 3: Walking as the Pregnant Teen

I forgive myself that I didn’t consider how this world actually exists within the constant struggles of survival mode when I made the decision to Fuck, and, CONsequentially the decision to get pregnant, which was just so I could move out of my mothers house to party and have ‘fun’.

I forgive myself that I held no consideration for bringing a life into this world because in dishonesty I made the decision to get pregnant as I existed within a fantasy mindset of consciousness searching for experiences that resonated with the urges that I longed for – thus I didn’t consider what I was accepting and allowing and what I was responsible for and as which was me existing equal and one to all the abuse existing within this world and as such I abdicated myself from life itself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the kids in my senior class in high school for calling me a slut and a whore when in fact they were reflecting back to me how I was attacking and feeling towards myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stop going to school because I felt it was too much to handle physically as well as emotionally painful because I believed I had changed inside and that the outside world was treating me differently when really I was seeing reflections of my own suppression’s.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent being pregnant because I felt that I looked fat and ugly which caused me to not want to go to school when really inside myself I was existing in separation from me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become lonely and depressed because I missed my friends something awful until finally I gave up on my studies and as a result I lacked a credit and a half which kept me from graduating which I used as a justification for not facing a compounded point of self-doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to barely remember who I was before I had my son at 17, and for resenting myself for feeling as if I’ve always lived my life as a mom and as such I always tried to take responsibility for others instead of me taking and living self-responsibility I would try to fix myself through others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission that it’s ok to birth a living being from my physical body and continue to participate within and as my mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions -instead of standing up and taking self-responsibility for my actions of self through a practical living application through self-forgiveness and live the example as life to bring about a world that’s best for all so that all living beings are provided for and live in dignity.

I forgive myself for the anger and blame I carried towards my parents because ultimately the decision I made was one in which forever changed me, my parents and most importantly the life of a child who was raised without the direction and/or living example in how to move self within our physical reality in order to exist within and as self-trust and self-responsibility and to direct self within self-honesty in support of all life – and thus, is struggling in dishonesty in his walk within the steps outlined by those before him.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my son for him being angry at me for not being a better mom as well as for me believing that he was right to feel that way when the truth is there is no excuse for any one to Not take self-responsibility for Every Single Living being existing on this earth through standing up for a system that will assure that all life will be given equally the same as their neighbor – give unto another that which you wish to receive.

When and as I see myself pre-occupied with the life I’ve lived – I stop. I breathe – I realize that the path I walked is no longer who I am and I see and comprehend that there is something much more important here than patterns of self-interst and crying over the past.
What’s important is that life is Not being supported Equally amongst us within our world.

As such, life itself is in jeopardy because as we allow abuse in our destroying of each other, we’re allowing abuse and destroying our earth and the resources she provides us in order for us to be able to exist here.

The common sense is here to see – we step up our process and we support our mother Earth in supporting all life equally.

I commit myself in standing up for and as all life in bringing about an Equal Money System – the beginning in bringing about Heaven on Earth.

Join Us – Let’s Walk – Till it is done – Equality

Releasing Selfish Acts – Through Desteni I Process

I have been writing the time line for my 4th mind construct in my Desteni I Process/SRA Two class, with regards to my son.  These classes just keep getting more fascinating the more mind constructs that one walks.  I’ve been able to see the Selfish Acts of myself – how I have fooled and fueled myself into believing that I have lived by some sort of ‘law’ of righteousness, morality and/or altruism, when clearly I have not, nor do I want to, considering the definitions I have placed these words within me as . 
In considering the Equality Equation – the question I must ask myself is, do I even understand and/or comprehend what such an equation will represent?

to become the directive principle of myself as all as one as equal here

to actually live as the redirection of myself in self-honesty where through self-forgiveness I am realigning and redesigning myself according to each point that I am facing and releasing according to the law of self-correction and in all ways – stopping abuse

where one becomes unconditional in support of all living beings according to and as a Universal Law of Oneness and according to and as a Principle of Equality – that is in fact lawless in a sense, because to give and support all living beings as one would assist and support themselves equally, in order to sustain themselves equally as all life here, will in itself provide unconditional life support to self

no acknowledgment, no attention and/or desires to be met,  because we’ll no longer exist as such
Where giving assistance and support to all living beings is 100 % – free of expectations of receiving
because to give according to expectations is not giving of self equally – thus does not support self of receiving equally

In Self-honesty one is  – Establishing a Law according to Equality by way of The Law of Forgiveness = Equal Money System = The Equality Equation = Life lived as All as One as Equal as self here breathing within and as The Law of Equality

Begin here in small acts of Equality – How are you assisting and supporting others every day consistently and Equally as yourself?

Back to my lesson – cheers

0801d

 

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Self Honesty versus Honesty

As a child growing up, to be "honest", meant to tell the truth, but more than not, the reasons and/or actions of ‘telling’ a version of the truth, was always according to beliefs and/or opinions, as well as any ‘laws’ that governed us. To be "honest", has not, and does not – according to how we as humanity have defined ourselves and have existed as – stand equal and one within a solution that is practical for all to be able to exist here living in dignity within every moment.  I grew up wanting to live in honesty, and I quickly realized that it was usually to my benefit to tell a ‘little white lie’, which was certainly more tolerated and accepted.  I didn’t get in as much trouble when telling a ‘little white lie’, because mostly people just wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. We were all to ‘afraid’ of ‘getting our feelings hurt’, and so in order to fit in, I followed along like everyone did.
I began to question my self and my actions in “honesty” one Sunday morning during church service as I participated in the holiday ‘dress up’ for the ‘Mother’s day’ service. All of the women were dressed to the max, wearing brand new dresses with matching handbags, shoes and hats, as well as a wearing a corsage.  Everyone of us complimenting the other one about how beautiful their dress was, as we each stood in jealousy of each other.  As a woman, I know there was jealousy because later within our own little ‘clicks’ we would talk about ‘so and so’…

As “honesty’, I was existing according to which ever ‘system’ definition I was wanting, seeking and desiring attention as, and/or what energy I was requiring, in order to maintain a belief about myself.  Always according to the religion system, education system, and/or relationship/family systems, and always according to any fears that may arise within the energy I wished to escape from and/or wished to experience and exist as.

I overlooked any common sense, because I just wanted to ‘fit in’, and the "truth is", I never questioned my "honesty".  It all seemed harmless and I believed that I wasn’t hurting anyone as I existed in the make-believe world of/as the direction of my mind.  I never questioned and/or asked myself how my words and actions were affecting others in my world because I was so unaware of how I was participating in who I was and was becoming.  I was being directed according to my mind and separating myself from all life here.  All of which was within the starting point of money because our current money system is the center point of support for and as the systems that we each exist as, and is where the destruction of our self exists. There is so much fear of survival, which is why an Equal Money System will assist us to stop who we’ve become. We are so busy trying to exist that we haven’t questioned our own placement in how we are actually living against ourselves and each other as we continue to support the current systems.

I am grateful how through Desteni I Process – I have begun to stop myself and see and understand how effective "Self-Honesty" really is.  How breathing and becoming aware of myself and asking myself in self-honesty, what am I accepting and allowing myself to exist as – so as to see where to apply self-forgiveness for how dependent my intentions have been as I’ve participated according to my mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions.  To exist here free from the energetic outflows, and yet be completely enjoying of myself and others within a Principle of Equality. That which considers all, where my words and actions are one in the same, as All as One as Equal.

It’s a moment by moment process in which I’ve fallen, but I stand back up in self-honesty through self-forgiveness.  Stopping support of systems. Stopping separation.  That’s the difference between honesty and self-honesty. Self-Honesty assist us to stop self-interest and greed,  it builds self-trust, and assists me to see that when I communicate with another, I am communicating with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and pretend to live as I defined myself as honest – instead of seeing and realizing that the correction of self deception means to find a solution as all as one as equal in every moment as I prove my self in honesty to me in self-honesty in and as my words and actions in the interest of oneness and equality for all living beings.

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