Archive | March 2012

Clearing bondage


My step dad phoned the day after my brothers funeral and since I was still recovering from laryngitis Randy answered the phone and talked to him. It was a quick conversation and when Randy hung up the phone I immediately shared with him what back chat had occurred within my mind, and actually, I felt rather ashamed by it. My back chat was: ‘I bet he wishes it was me who just died instead of his son’. As I heard myself say out loud the words of my back chat, it was like I had just spewed out poison and I felt tears swell up within me which I immediately pushed away. I then became aware of how much I wanted to feel sorry for myself but instead I stopped and breathed and then I became aware of myself in anger and I immediately knew this was a point of bondage that I was allowing to exist within myself.

The anger I was a feeling was like something that seemed bound to happen but then there was fear, and the fear seemed to be shielding me from facing the actual point of my anger.

I can see how I’ve always manipulated myself and how I’ve been able to keep my distance from the sore spot, the core point of my anger and this is a huge point of dishonesty within me. It’s how I’ve kept myself bound to the family contract or construct within a sick set of guidelines I’d set myself into to keep myself caged within the consciousness mind of the family system.

When I remember myself as a child, immediately what I notice is a physical feeling within me like there’s a knot centered in the upper area of my chest, right between my rib cage. This makes sense considering the CHEST point represents our love and devotion to our family.

I know that I was suppressed of any expression of self and I remember being really quiet as a child, mostly because I believed that I had reason to fear expressing myself. Though, I see now that that wasn’t completely true. It was more like I learned to be quiet in the face of my own self deception.

As a child, I often felt like I was going to explode as I continued to stuff and suppress feelings of disappointment and frustration and at the time I didn’t know to bring everything back to self. Instead I blamed my parents for how I experienced myself and as such I remained stuck in a false sense of fear and now I see how that fear was really selfish and self interest driven because within it I justified and accepted my own manipulation techniques of self abuse and in accepting self abuse I was abdicating myself from life itself.

The word loathing comes up as a description of how I saw myself within my family life. I resisted my family and always felt uncomfortable and felt as if I was being watched and/or criticized. I felt like I always had to be acting a certain way when I was around my step dad in particular, and if there wasn’t something specifically going on then I wanted to escape into my room and be alone with my thoughts. I felt an odd sense of comfort within an expression of myself within my mind that I realized even then wasn’t real.

The relationship between me and my parents was conflicting and I blamed them for me getting pregnant at 16 and then having to get married because at the time I wanted to get the hell out of what seemed to me like a caged nightmare. I wasn’t abused or neglected and my family was not unlike all families where the sins of the fathers continue generation after generation, and where money is the center of and the root cause in adding to the madness within this world and our experiences that we refer to as living life. Even though I had moments where I claimed abuse the fact is, my childhood was about as normal as any mind consciousness system childhood in middle class America can be. Whether or not I was allowed to express myself to my parents is actually irrelevant, because the fact remains I suppressed myself in anger that I alone am responsible for.

I was angry at myself for not allowing myself to express who I really was and angry that I instead retreated into stories in my mind where I found assurance and where I found someone to understand me and like me for who I was even if I had to imagine the attention up, because at least for a moment I felt better. I was bored often as a kid and I see now how the boredom was really hiding points of suppressed anger.

Truth is, I was actually ashamed of how I hid from myself and my world as a child but I’m only just now realizing that shame. I had no acceptance of myself and I defined myself according to the pictures and stories in my mind and then I would judge the me I would see when I looked in the mirror because the mind picture of me and what I saw when I looked in the mirror didn’t look the same.

The anger that I’ve held onto has been ongoing cycles of a self-belief during experiences of energy wherein I manipulated myself as well as others in order to justify the experience I was seeking to have for myself while trying to avoid facing the consequences of having it.

And the anger towards myself was often very intense and seemingly unforgiving wherein I would not even enjoy the experience I had sought after because I would have back chat and thoughts of self hate and spite towards myself for what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within at the time. All of which were within various personality traits that I’d chosen to become at different stages and during various situations throughout my life.

The time frame of my anger was always influenced during experiences of myself where I felt enormous gilt and is where I would then redirect my anger towards society – in that I manipulated myself into believing that something was done unto me by another separate from myself and within that I shifted blame and projected anger directly onto another instead of realizing that I was allowing myself to be influenced when I didn’t fully understand the depths of my own dishonesty.

The guilt trips of anger were covered nicely infear as inferiority with bouts of pretending to be superior, but even then the anger always re-surfaced. And the point now that I see is that my anger has always only been me being angry with myself and as I continued to suppress anger because I wasn’t being honest with myself within certain areas and within specific points which existed within every relationship I’ve ever had.

I have much to face and walk through in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. And, I realize more and more how little I know. What I do know for sure is that I can stop accepting and allowing anger as suppression and self denial within me. And, I can stop self abuse. In self-honesty, I am able to redesign and redirect myself free from back chat and repeating the sins of the fathers.

A fact that remains and can no longer be denied is how we now comprehend how to stop cycles of abuse as mind consciousness systems, and we can no longer deny that we are all responsible for how our world currently exists. So. we assist and support ourselves and each other to stop and forgive ourselves and direct ourselves in self-honesty and bring about a world that is life worthy for real and free from abuse.

We’re fortunate in that we have Desteni I Process to assist us in ways we’ve never known till now. And Life here can and will change and we’re going to bring about heaven on earth through an Equal Money System and we will not stop until it is done.

We Welcome anyone who is self-willing to stop abuse within this world to Join us @ Desteni Forum and on the Equal Money website
Stand with us in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the memories of myself in anger and fear as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the personalities I believed myself to be beginning from when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to anger toward myself which has kept me within a self belief which has resulted in a gloom and doom feeling of fear and death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to a fear of dying the same death and my mother and my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger and fear as a catalyst for accepting a starting point of myself filled with poison within and and as my lungs within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me as my physical body through fear and anger to such a degree that the effects of my own self abuse caused neglect, abuse and separation from my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to propose a future result for me as my physical body through fear and family constructs designed through and as anger and resentment to and towards self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and dislike myself and who I was within my family as a personality design that I believed I had to become as a way of avoiding the anger toward myself for not allowing myself to express and be myself.

I forgive myself for the anger and fear that I accepted and allowed myself to become that I held onto as an ongoing cycle of self-belief and experiences of energetic personalities wherein I justified and manipulated myself to such a degree that I’ve often nearly scared myself to death causing physical disturbances within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear speaking and expressing myself because I feared that people would respond to my words the same way that I have in teh past responded to their words which was untrusting because I didn’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain self-centered and selfish trapped in my own little fearful world where I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t see what is happening in this world because I remained self-centered selfish, angry and fearful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to what only serves me to the point where I hid from myself within my own little world directed by my mind as consciousness instead of stopping, breathing and directing me as my mind in self-honesty according to what’s best for all life.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of anger and fear that I am now aware of, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself within the starting point of self-honesty in realizing that the anger and fear is not real and that what is real and matters is that all life is supported in bringing about a world that is best for all. I stand in serving support for and as all life until equality exists here for all and brings forth heaven on earth.

2012 – The Year of Stopping Fear


Self-forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements to direct myself in stopping fear related to the following topics/childhood and adult fears/videos which I shared on You tube with regards to fear week.

Childhood Fear of seeing white looking figures walking in my room at night

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate who I am through and as a childhood fear where I would see and fear white looking figures walking toward me in my room at night and where I believed them to be an alien or the spirit of a dead person coming to cause me or my family harm.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark because I believed what I was seeing was real instead of realizing that my mind was directing me through emotions of loneliness that I participated in and as until I began to manifest visions at night that I then kept alive through the very fear that created them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to harbor anger towards my parents when they couldn’t see the white figures in my room that I believed I saw and so therefore they did not believe me or have patience with me when I told them about the white ghosts in my room at night.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the white ghostly figures of my minds imagination as a way of getting attention from my parents.

I see and I realize that the fear I experienced as a child was me as my mind directing and manipulating in order to create a reason for my parents to show me attention and I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as such and instead I stop, I breathe and I direct me here according to a principle of equality for and as all life.

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Fear for my childs future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for the lives of my children within our world where the price of living is increasing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry if my children will be able to afford to feed themselves in our world where money is valued over life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the world will be like when my grandchildren grow up and will they be able to provide themselves with a home and food or will they end up homeless because of our abusive money system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at how we take life for granted and where we look past the suffering of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed emotions and feelings to direct who I’ve been where I’ve overlooked how corrupt our current money system is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed others to suffer while I indulged in frivolous nonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the abuse of our current money system instead of standing up sooner and educating myself in how our world economic system functions.

When and as I see myself fearing for my children and/or my grandchildren’s future, I stop, I breathe and I direct myself here to stand up in support of an Equal Money System which is the solution that will give all life a chance to live in dignity.

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Childhood Fear of the nickname Spot

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be hateful and resentful to those who called me names when I was young and in grade school.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear those who called me names in school.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in spite towards those who called me names which further instigated their name calling.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame and deny taking responsibility for how my life was and is because I alone am responsible for how I experience myself within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me wherein I actually enjoyed feeling sorry for myself and as such abdicated myself from myself and all life here.

When and as I see myself avoiding taking responsibility for how I am experiencing myself I stop, I breathe. I realize that I have walked the pattern of feeling sorry for myself and I know how I exist because of it. Till here no further. I no longer accept the pattern as who I am. Instead I take self-responsibility and I stand and direct myself in support of an Equal Money System so that all Life may experience heaven on earth.

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Adult Fear of being Eaten Alive and/or Cannibalism

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being eaten alive by a large animal like a bear or a tiger.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being dismembered by someone or an animal and then being left alone to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people becoming so hungry and desperate for food that they resort to cannibalism.

When and as I see myself fearing being eaten alive or fearing cannibalism, I stop, I breathe. Instead I see and I realize that fear is energy related and only serves to fuel the mind as consciousness and I choose to stop who and what I’ve been as consciousness and to direct myself here in self-honesty according to what’s best for all life so that all abuse within our world may be stopped.

I stand before myself facing who and what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist within this world through my fears and denial of self and I forgive myself. In Self-honesty, I vow for 2012 to stop fear and instead stand up for and as all life beginning with supporting an Equal Money System so that all life may exist here in dignity.

2012 – What’s missing here?

“Thou shalt continually reorient thyself and society to reduce reactionary propensities that lead to abberated consequences such as stealing and murder.” -Peter Joseph

This type of quote reminds me of the words from the ten commandments. Though Shalt Not Steal … Though Shalt Not Murder…

And, just like the ten commandments the words were written by someone with no real sense of what it’s like to have to steal in order to eat because there are no jobs available and no way of providing for yourself and your family. Who’s to say what one is capable of doing when the only option one has is to watch your child starve to death.

So what’s the author missing in his approach with the above quote? My perspective is simple. He’s missing the point of walking in the shoes of another, and as such his approach lacks offering a Real Solution for all life. History has proved time and time again that it does no good to boost morality with pretty words and/or by commanding something that ultimately lacks a solution that will be best for All life. A solution that will without a doubt absolutely change how our world exists.

That Solution is Equal Money. Investigate EqualMoney.org

2012 – Life and Debt


For anyone who is wondering why the third world is erupting in protest and violence, watch the documentary Life and Debt.

Educate yourself in what you don’t know and see for yourself the effects of globalization.

The country of Jamaica’s long-term indebtedness to the IMF has contributed to the erosion of local agriculture and industry and the things we hear in the documentary from the farmers and factory workers, whose livelihoods have been undermined, is shocking to say the least.

The contract that the IMF imposed upon Jamaica is a chilling reminder of the level of greed and crookery in which our world systems and leaders thrive upon. For example, we see how to get a $50,000,000 loan, Jamaica had to agree to relinquish the right to control their imports in any way. So with imports coming in, there is no market for products from local farmers. American powdered milk is an example, subsidized at 137%, it undercuts fresh milk produced in Jamaica (even though powdered milk is more expensive to produce), and has destroyed the local dairy industry.

The restrictions on local subsidies and imports are so many in fact that it’s been quite the rape on the people and the land because the people in Jamaica, can’t even afford to eat locally-grown food because low-quality imports are so much cheaper to buy.

The cycle of debt within our current money system makes it increasingly difficult for any small island nation to achieve economic sovereignty, or even food sovereignty, all the while making it easier and cheaper for foreigners to enjoy the country and benefit from its resources. The truth is – we are all responsible for crimes such as this to continue in and as our current money system, and if we don’t understand how, then it’s time we sit down and educate ourselves to understand how, so we can stop it.

We’re going to have to dismantle the things that we’ve always thought as socially important and begin to understand how control continues through the mechanism of debt and begin to redesign a system that does not tolerate abuse to any living being.

I support the solution of a One Man One Vote Equal Money System – which will peacefully bring an end to the policies of the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, our current Monetary System and other aid organizations – all of which are nothing more than cleverly disguised plans to benefit the rich in order to maintain control and power through money where profit over life and privatization depend upon the poor to even exist.

I encourage everyone to watch and share this film as it is beautiful on so many levels simply because it allows life to be seen as it really is, as opposed to what we want to believe life is.

The following is the transcription from part of the documentary. An interview with, Michael Manley, Prime Minister of Jamaica (1972–1980, 1989–1992)


“To understand the International Monetary Fund it is best to go back to history. We come to 1944, the war is coming near to an end. The allies were determined not to have the war finish and end up in the mess of the 1930’s. The key institution setup was the IMF (International Monetary Fund), and the purpose of the fund was to have a bank they could turn to for short term borrowing to serve the short term trading interests of the winners of the war. At the same time they set up the world bank to provide capital for the rebuilding of Europe. You have to remember what we now know as the third world didn’t exist. There were a few major powers each of which had a large empire. We had no voice, we had no presense, you were just part of somebody else’s power structure. You ask who’s interest, ask the question, ‘who set it up’.

Countries like Jamaica found that when they became free, they soon were in every kind of financial problem because they didn’t have the economic strength to, shall we say, make it on their own. They needed time to build economies that could then make it in the world. When you see what all the food from abroad costs, you realize that the food production to feed ourselves in Jamaica, is not only a matter of opportunity for you, is a matter of survival for the nation.

Comes 1973, there is a world convulsion caused by the oil price increases. All of a sudden we are having to find sums of money we never dreamed of before just to make ends meet. Now, what can you do. First of all you go to the private banking system and you say, well can I get a private banking loan because I’m strapped for cash, I need some support and I’m having trouble paying my overseas bills. Bare in mind, this is a country literally beginning to unravel, because it cannot finance what it needs. Because you can’t have no penicillin in the hospital, you can’t have no wheat to make bread.

What you really need is to set down with them (the IMF) and say look can I work out a five year program. And in the meantime I’m strapped for some cash so can you help me up front get out of the cash bind and then put it in the context of a long term development plan. And they say No. Long term development is your problem. We are here only to see who do you owe the money to, why you are in a bind and we lend you some money in a very short time frame at full interest rate to get you out of the bind. And they then impose upon you tremendous restrictions in what you can spend. And you say to them, but if I do it that way, when I finish repaying you, I’m going to be in the bind all over because this can’t solve my problem. They say, not our problem.” – Michael Manley, Prime Minister of Jamaica (1972–1980, 1989–1992)

Forgiving Grief


I laid down to get some rest and my mind began to rehash the past weeks events leading up to the death of my brother.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for a moment relive the details and decisions made regarding my brothers treatment as if there is or was something different that could have saved his life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recap and replay pictures in my mind of how sick and frail my brother looked before he died and I forgive the feeling in my gut that’s like an emptiness within me that can never be filled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry over the last words my brother said to my step dad before he was put into a coma which was ‘daddy I don’t want to die’.

I fogive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for my whole life act as the protector of my baby brother and even now I feel angry at death and I see how the pattern as the older sister still wants to hang on for it’s life. I stop. I breathe. Till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for participating in and as grief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my tears in this moment because I don’t trust who I am as them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a point of denial within me that I sense has been a false sense of security.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger toward the messages posted to my brothers face book wall telling him to say hi to my mom and my sister in heaven and I forgive myself for the tears swelling up from within me as I just typed the words ‘to say hi to my mom and sister in heaven’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the messages on my brothers face book wall saying that now God has a new angel and I forgive myself that I want to write back to them to stop spreading their nonsense on my dead brothers face book wall which only serves to make themselves feel better and that their words are really only trashing up our world with more deception. I stop. I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can serve to protect my baby brother from life’s harm when in fact the only way that I can assist anyone in any way is to first assist myself in stopping me as my mind and directing myself in self-honesty as my mind and to continue to stand in support of an Equal Money system so that all life will cease in its suffering.

I realize and understand that my mind as consciousness is designed to react to the death of a sibling according to a specific pattern and in the moment that I participate in the thought and the emotion is the moment I become manipulated and controlled in the deadly design of and as a mind consciousness system. I stop. I breath. I forgive and release and redesign myself according to a principle of Equality.

I realize, see and understand that it is only myself that I’m reacting to and that there is no one to blame or to be angry with and that I alone am responsible for what I accept and allow and be and become within my life and this world. I choose to walk in self-honesty and face myself and what I’ve accepted and allowed within this world, and stand in support for and as all life that all life may live in dignity as all as one as equal.

2012 – Opportunity as Life is in Breath


My brother has been in the hospital for over a month with complications from pneumonia, which progressed to ARDS (acute respiratory distress syndrome). The decision was made and finally he was put in a drug induced coma and on a ventilator to allow his lungs time to heal. His life of 42 years of accumulating the consequences of self – the same as we all do in how we participate in and as the mind and who we become as a result of accepted behaviors, habits and thought patterns – was just to much for his physical body and today he died.

This is just one example of how we physically manifest life experiences through fear, meaning: my mom died 10 1/2 years ago and her death was almost identical to how my brother just died. After my mothers death, my brother spent years and energy within his fear that he would die the same way as mom to the point where an inner acceptance of his own fate emerged.

Death – the point of no immunity. My perspective of death is simply that death is an accumulation of our inner accepted and lived bullshit and abuse in turmoil through and as the direction of and as our mind as consciousness.

We’re here in a process to see and comprehend for ourselves what is real as life and to become the director of and as our mind and, to do so simply, we require to forgive ourselves and to in self-honesty, stop what we’ve accepted within and manifested within and without so we can stop how our outword world currently exists as a world full of suffering, pain and death.

We seldom consider the cause and the effect of our lived dishonesties and how we manifest placements of ourself as abuse until finally death becomes us because the reality of our abusive nature is just to much for our physical body and physical reality to bare.

I will miss brother. And, I don’t like that he has died, but it doesn’t matter what I think I like or don’t like because life itself as death will and is sorting out the shitmess of this reality that we as humans as life have accepted and allowed. I can see that I am angry, angry from the starting point of the fact that here we are – all of us who exist on this earth – we’re life and as life we allow abuse to exist as if it doesn’t exist.

Who really cares if a living being somewhere is murdered and dies every second of the day? Whether it’s from starvation or war or drug abuse or illness – it doesn’t matter the abuse because abuse is abuse and as long as we accept and allow even one single living being to suffer and die then we will all suffer and continue to die – and why not, life mirrors exactly what is being accepted of and as life.

The death of my brother assisted me to again comprehend within myself as a living being the same comprehension I had when my sister died six months ago – which is that sadness and grieving and the memories thereof can be stopped in one moment of breath. Because the awareness of self in and as breath – stops feelings and emotions and stops the insanity of the consciousness mind.

I have no proof to offer anyone with regards to what I’m proving to and for myself with regards to breath and death and I have no desire to anyway – but somehow I know within myself as who I am in self-honesty that we each have this one life and the opportunity in breath to determine who we are as life and to stand and support every living being here Equally. And, I absolutely see that this is why we are here on earth – to recognize and see ourselves in each other and as such come together as a group and support all life and bring an end to All abuse within this world. Neighborism – that’s how we honor life.

NEIGHBORISM will replace capitalism, socialism, communism and all the other ways we have managed the world. With Neighborism the message of Jesus and other teachers that showed that love practically applied means to give as you take and to love your neighbor as yourself would become a living reality. Equal money and Desteni will get you to Neighborism. If you claim love is the answer, prove it with Neighborism.” – Bernard Poolman

2012 – Together we change our World

“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint”

What the hell does this script of chores mean anyway?
The fact is, they that wait upon the ‘Lord’ will starve to death and there will be no strength to run or walk and fainting is highly likely…
These sorts of words used to give us a false sense of self has fucked up life long enough, it’s time to Stop.
Talk is nothing but a cheap trick bought and sold and has separated us from life itself where plenty have come and gone and single handedly made No difference whatsoever.
This world and all the pains we complain about will never change unless we come together and stand as a Group.
Breath is here as the words we are as life as all as one as equal and together forgiving living words as who we are in self-honesty we stand, and as a group we change our World.