My step dad phoned the day after my brothers funeral and since I was still recovering from laryngitis Randy answered the phone and talked to him. It was a quick conversation and when Randy hung up the phone I immediately shared with him what back chat had occurred within my mind, and actually, I felt rather ashamed by it. My back chat was: ‘I bet he wishes it was me who just died instead of his son’. As I heard myself say out loud the words of my back chat, it was like I had just spewed out poison and I felt tears swell up within me which I immediately pushed away. I then became aware of how much I wanted to feel sorry for myself but instead I stopped and breathed and then I became aware of myself in anger and I immediately knew this was a point of bondage that I was allowing to exist within myself.
The anger I was a feeling was like something that seemed bound to happen but then there was fear, and the fear seemed to be shielding me from facing the actual point of my anger.
I can see how I’ve always manipulated myself and how I’ve been able to keep my distance from the sore spot, the core point of my anger and this is a huge point of dishonesty within me. It’s how I’ve kept myself bound to the family contract or construct within a sick set of guidelines I’d set myself into to keep myself caged within the consciousness mind of the family system.
When I remember myself as a child, immediately what I notice is a physical feeling within me like there’s a knot centered in the upper area of my chest, right between my rib cage. This makes sense considering the CHEST point represents our love and devotion to our family.
I know that I was suppressed of any expression of self and I remember being really quiet as a child, mostly because I believed that I had reason to fear expressing myself. Though, I see now that that wasn’t completely true. It was more like I learned to be quiet in the face of my own self deception.
As a child, I often felt like I was going to explode as I continued to stuff and suppress feelings of disappointment and frustration and at the time I didn’t know to bring everything back to self. Instead I blamed my parents for how I experienced myself and as such I remained stuck in a false sense of fear and now I see how that fear was really selfish and self interest driven because within it I justified and accepted my own manipulation techniques of self abuse and in accepting self abuse I was abdicating myself from life itself.
The word loathing comes up as a description of how I saw myself within my family life. I resisted my family and always felt uncomfortable and felt as if I was being watched and/or criticized. I felt like I always had to be acting a certain way when I was around my step dad in particular, and if there wasn’t something specifically going on then I wanted to escape into my room and be alone with my thoughts. I felt an odd sense of comfort within an expression of myself within my mind that I realized even then wasn’t real.
The relationship between me and my parents was conflicting and I blamed them for me getting pregnant at 16 and then having to get married because at the time I wanted to get the hell out of what seemed to me like a caged nightmare. I wasn’t abused or neglected and my family was not unlike all families where the sins of the fathers continue generation after generation, and where money is the center of and the root cause in adding to the madness within this world and our experiences that we refer to as living life. Even though I had moments where I claimed abuse the fact is, my childhood was about as normal as any mind consciousness system childhood in middle class America can be. Whether or not I was allowed to express myself to my parents is actually irrelevant, because the fact remains I suppressed myself in anger that I alone am responsible for.
I was angry at myself for not allowing myself to express who I really was and angry that I instead retreated into stories in my mind where I found assurance and where I found someone to understand me and like me for who I was even if I had to imagine the attention up, because at least for a moment I felt better. I was bored often as a kid and I see now how the boredom was really hiding points of suppressed anger.
Truth is, I was actually ashamed of how I hid from myself and my world as a child but I’m only just now realizing that shame. I had no acceptance of myself and I defined myself according to the pictures and stories in my mind and then I would judge the me I would see when I looked in the mirror because the mind picture of me and what I saw when I looked in the mirror didn’t look the same.
The anger that I’ve held onto has been ongoing cycles of a self-belief during experiences of energy wherein I manipulated myself as well as others in order to justify the experience I was seeking to have for myself while trying to avoid facing the consequences of having it.
And the anger towards myself was often very intense and seemingly unforgiving wherein I would not even enjoy the experience I had sought after because I would have back chat and thoughts of self hate and spite towards myself for what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within at the time. All of which were within various personality traits that I’d chosen to become at different stages and during various situations throughout my life.
The time frame of my anger was always influenced during experiences of myself where I felt enormous gilt and is where I would then redirect my anger towards society – in that I manipulated myself into believing that something was done unto me by another separate from myself and within that I shifted blame and projected anger directly onto another instead of realizing that I was allowing myself to be influenced when I didn’t fully understand the depths of my own dishonesty.
The guilt trips of anger were covered nicely infear as inferiority with bouts of pretending to be superior, but even then the anger always re-surfaced. And the point now that I see is that my anger has always only been me being angry with myself and as I continued to suppress anger because I wasn’t being honest with myself within certain areas and within specific points which existed within every relationship I’ve ever had.
I have much to face and walk through in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. And, I realize more and more how little I know. What I do know for sure is that I can stop accepting and allowing anger as suppression and self denial within me. And, I can stop self abuse. In self-honesty, I am able to redesign and redirect myself free from back chat and repeating the sins of the fathers.
A fact that remains and can no longer be denied is how we now comprehend how to stop cycles of abuse as mind consciousness systems, and we can no longer deny that we are all responsible for how our world currently exists. So. we assist and support ourselves and each other to stop and forgive ourselves and direct ourselves in self-honesty and bring about a world that is life worthy for real and free from abuse.
We’re fortunate in that we have Desteni I Process to assist us in ways we’ve never known till now. And Life here can and will change and we’re going to bring about heaven on earth through an Equal Money System and we will not stop until it is done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the memories of myself in anger and fear as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the personalities I believed myself to be beginning from when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to anger toward myself which has kept me within a self belief which has resulted in a gloom and doom feeling of fear and death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to a fear of dying the same death and my mother and my brother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger and fear as a catalyst for accepting a starting point of myself filled with poison within and and as my lungs within my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me as my physical body through fear and anger to such a degree that the effects of my own self abuse caused neglect, abuse and separation from my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to propose a future result for me as my physical body through fear and family constructs designed through and as anger and resentment to and towards self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and dislike myself and who I was within my family as a personality design that I believed I had to become as a way of avoiding the anger toward myself for not allowing myself to express and be myself.
I forgive myself for the anger and fear that I accepted and allowed myself to become that I held onto as an ongoing cycle of self-belief and experiences of energetic personalities wherein I justified and manipulated myself to such a degree that I’ve often nearly scared myself to death causing physical disturbances within my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear speaking and expressing myself because I feared that people would respond to my words the same way that I have in teh past responded to their words which was untrusting because I didn’t trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain self-centered and selfish trapped in my own little fearful world where I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t see what is happening in this world because I remained self-centered selfish, angry and fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to what only serves me to the point where I hid from myself within my own little world directed by my mind as consciousness instead of stopping, breathing and directing me as my mind in self-honesty according to what’s best for all life.
When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of anger and fear that I am now aware of, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself within the starting point of self-honesty in realizing that the anger and fear is not real and that what is real and matters is that all life is supported in bringing about a world that is best for all. I stand in serving support for and as all life until equality exists here for all and brings forth heaven on earth.