Day 300: The War Within Lies

Sometimes, I can’t believe this is how my story goes. Meaning the way my life is at the moment with where I am as I continue to get well from cancer. Within that realization my mind is like on mourning mode and sometimes I get lost in it… Then, last night I dreamed I was at war and I realized how my war within lies.

There is and has been for awhile in my life, a war going on within and as me. This war I started against myself when I was in my early teens. Pain seems to intensify my fears and so the war within me seemed to grow. So it’s strange but things got worse for me when the first of July of this year I added another intense alternative treatment therapy.

The particular treatment I will speak more about when I’m able to – caused my physical body to take quite a hit, and unfortunately, in fear, I lost sight of the struggle my body was going through because all I could think to do in that fear was to keep pushing myself to do whatever I had to do,,, for however long I had to do it, so long as I get myself well from the cancer.

The treatment brought with it consequence of physical / muscle deterioration and extreme physical pain, and, in my lack of awareness, I began taking more and more prescribed pain meds and muscle relaxants , as well as alternative methods in my quest to relieve the pain.

Everything I was doing, it became to much for my physical body. Both my kidneys and my liver began to show symptoms of trouble – trouble from all the methods I’d chosen to help relieve my pain. I had no choice. I had to get off of everything and so a month ago, I did. I stopped taking all the prescription pain meds and muscle relaxants and ibuprofen. I also stopped all alternative methods I’d been using for pain as well.

Now I use nutrition/foods/juice / Omega 3’s and herbal remedies only to reduce the inflammation. I also drink teas with hibiscus, passion flower, lemon balm, just to name a few of the many wonderful herbs and seasoning I use, like tumeric and even capsicum/cayenne pepper.

I also stopped the intense alternative treatment method that I started 5 months ago. And with the assistance of some private interviews / tools that I was fortunate to receive through Eqafe, I’ve been able to easily stop the pain meds with very few side affects and have become effective in breathing through the fear when the pain comes and have been also been successful in my practice of directing myself to change who I am within the fear so as to forever release who I accepted and allowed myself to be within the fear to where I am able to redefine in awareness who I am within and as my physical body when the pain come.

It’s interesting, because I’ve been experiencing less pain as I’ve become more aware of who I’ve been within my accepted belief of myself as my mind to one where I’m understanding that those beliefs about myself no longer ring true to who I am directing myself to be and become as my physical body/ mind and being. Within this forgiving myself comes and that is for sure something one can become successful in doing, forgiving oneself.

My Eqafe personal interviews have also assisted me in becoming aware of how in my pain/fear over the course of 5 months, I created some automated pain patterns. Yeah.. But then after coming off all those pain meds, I’ve also been able to develop an awareness of how often my mind will tell me the movement that I’m about to do – like getting up to go to the bathroom for example – is going to hurt like hell, when in fact, when/as I stop the thoughts/fears, and focus on my breathing while I make the move, it actually doesn’t hurt at all. Sounds crazy I know,  and it is crazy,  how easy we can create patterns.  Therefore, it’s best we learn how to create the patterns that will assist us to live our utmost potential and thus begin to be able to assist in creating a world where All Life can live their utmost potential.

Within the automated patterns, I’ve also created pictures of myself within my mind.  and these patterns I continue to investigate and are part of the war within my dream last night. I will be sharing more on this in blogs to come.

At the moment, I am here, focusing on substantiating my physical body. Beginning with committing myself to make sure that every single day I give my body what it requires nutritionally to repair and recover and heal.

I commit myself to walk in breath and awareness as I consistently nourish my physical body to the best of my ability, and to redefine and become a living expression of the word relax within and as my physical body as I continue to walk my story, my Journey to Life.

Day 298: Self-Change within the Mother / Daughter Relationship Construct

Alright, first a little history. Within an hour or so after spending some time with my youngest daughter, I would begin to have pain in my upper back / scapula area. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable and while I’ve been able to breathe and slowly get the pain to subside, it’s a point that I can see is requiring immediate attention.

So my DIP Pro buddy is assisting me with taking this point on and I can see how I’ve been changing the way I behave when I’m around my daughter in that as I approach her, I become stricter and it’s like I expect more from her for some reason. So basically when I’m around her I take on a specific role and /or personality and I’ve been able to connect the change in me being when the pain would intensify. So just realizing that I was doing that has assisted me to be able to stop compromising myself by that action of stepping into such a specific role / personality – which had become almost a point of automation so, it takes practice to change self as that.

So then, about a month and a half ago, my daughter had to reschedule a Drs. appt. for her daughter, Emmeline. When I heard she cancelled it / rescheduled it, even though I didn’t agree with her decision to do so, I kept quiet about the little irritation I was experiencing within myself. Upon further investigation I realized that I didn’t trust myself to not react, so I kept quiet, and in doing so I suppressed the ‘who I am‘ to ‘who am I’?

However, at the time I didn’t take the time to self investigate, so I knew the point would come around again, and it did really soon!

Then a couple of weeks ago my partner let me know that my daughter had cancelled Em’s appt. again. Immediately I saw the thoughts that were coming up within me, which were:

“I can’t believe she did that again!”

The word: Betrayed is how I’d describe the experience I was having of myself in that moment. It was like someone had done ‘me’ wrong! Me?? Done me wrong? Lol, that’s actually odd, but at the time, it felt like I had been personally betrayed the moment that Drs. appt. was cancelled.

More Thoughts:

“I deserve to have a say in E’s life.”

“what about everything I’ve done for you?”

“I kept your daughter 4 to 5 days a week for over 2 years, for free, while you guys worked 9 to 10 hour days!”

A Memory comes up of Em and I and the many, many days her and I walked together this old country road just outside our house. It was on that road where Em first heard how loud the whistle of a passing train can be! The memory comes with a momentary positive energetic charge / experience / feeling of comfort but, lol, I see how my mind wants me to use the memory to distract and manipulate myself to not look closer to see how the word ‘entitlement’ is attached to the thoughts / backchat I’d just had.

I didn’t wait until I was energy-free to call and talk to my daughter. Instead I manipulated myself in my head into believing that in that moment I was free from reactions but I wasn’t. If I’d been self honest I would have known that, because I felt the rushing of energy inside myself as I called her. The energy was the red flag, but I was too busy being it to give myself a chance to stop and redirect myself. Too bad, because, Revenge of the ego was all that went down during that conversation…

I forgave myself and recommitted myself to stop such reactions toward my daughter, or towards anyone for that matter.

Alas, I half-ass-essed myself within the point, meaning for the most part I ignored investigating the point through to it’s entirety. I did manage to share with my daughter how I was sorry for reacting and that I am definitely aware of, and prepared to walk the self-correction process for this point.

Fortunately, lol, a few days later, within this mother / daughter construct, the point opened up again, and bam! I reacted again! This time my reaction to my daughter set off a chain-like reaction and here‘s how it went…

Just like we’ve done every Sunday morning for the past year and a half, first thing on Sunday mornings, my partner goes to my daughter’s house to get our granddaughter. That’s the day we get to spend the entire day with her and this is precious time that my partner and I do not take for granted and it’s a time spent with her that we’ve come to enjoy so much every week.

So my daughter and I were speaking on the phone when my partner got to her house to pick Em up, but then, when she told me about them having to move and about ‘where’ their going to move to, I reacted by saying how stupid it is to move so far away from her job and I knew my tone was angry when I spoke and when she heard me say that she hung up on me. She then reacted and decided to not let our granddaughter come over as planned for the day. (I didn’t know she didn’t let Em leave with my partner until he called from our cell phone to tell me.)

When she had hung up on me I hadn’t tried to call her back because I knew I had to focus on my breathing and stop the energy before talking with her again.

However, after my partner called and told me Em wasn’t with him, I immediately tried calling her but she wouldn’t answer her phone. When she wouldn’t answer her phone, I became more pissed off. So at that point I made the decision to text her the following, which was exactly the thoughts and backchat that was going on in my head!

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t let Em come over because you thought I’d scare Em because you thought I’d show my reactions to your moving to her?”

“I am speechless.”

“I’ve never given you a reason to fear me doing such a thing”

Again I felt betrayed. I was angry. I felt anxious. My heart rate had increased adn I felt alone and wrung with self-doubt and self disappointment. As I was focusing on my breathing,  I began to see a connection within myself between self-betrayal, self-trust and self-doubt so I reached for an Eqafe interview called: Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383.

I realized from listening to the interview that I was like, stewing within myself in my head in self-doubt and when in doubt, there’s fear and in fear there’s no self-trust and so my ‘I am’ became fear and when and as I spoke / reacted as that to my daughter – and it was that same fear that I was accepting and allowing that she mirrored and reacted to me with/as. For a moment I could see clearly to forgive myself as the doubt I’d become.

Once I forgave myself, I was able to look at my daughters living situation respectfully.

The problem? They have to move asap from the house they’ve called home for a year and a half. And, in reality, them having to move was just one more thing I was reacting to and it may have been why my daughter reacted the way she did when she made the decision she made to not let Em come over here.

Things we regret tend to happen when we make decisions in our relationships and / or in our future when we’re in any form of hatred, resentment or revenge energies. And those energies breed fear. Also, when change comes, we fear loss and add a dose of self-doubt and a lack of self-trust on top of that, and what you’ve got is a dysfunctional relationship. And honestly, I don’t know any families that are free from the dysfunctions that come with NOT understanding what’s going on within and as one’s own mind! That’s why I’m grateful for the Desteni I Process, it has literally saved me from going bat-shit-crazy.

Alright so self change can seem impossible, but really, it just takes practice, and what else is there to do really anyway, but to practice understanding each other and so provide assistance and support for ourselves and for those we’re in relationships with.

With regards to my daughter’s upcoming move, it may be difficult at first to get used to because as it is she lives about 20 minutes from us and it’s been great to be able to see them just about anytime we want.

But now, with their decision to move 150 miles round trip from here, the reality is, it is a game changer, because realistically it’ll cost more money to be able to see them every week, so it’s probably not realistic to say that we’ll be able to continue with our weekly visit.

Realizing this is a game changer in my mind, I also see this being a pivotal point that has opened up an opportunity for me to also walk the self corrective application process to change the relationship that I have with myself between trust and betrayal as well as self doubt.

Andrew Gable Artist

So with regards to this matter, I choose to direct myself according to what’s best for all and I know that these kind of moments where we give to ourselves an opportunity to correct the very nature of our relationships – to one that is supportive and giving unto another as one would like to receive is key in walking the self-change process.

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 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to use words as a weapon with which to excuse and abuse.

When and as I see myself feeling like I want to lash out in extreme’s to another, I stop. I Breathe, I direct myself to see, realize and understand that wanting to lash out in extreme onto another is a symptom of being dramatic, basically full of energy, therefore I commit myself to make sure that I do not act until I’m sure I’m energy clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my daughter / child based upon a memory experience I was holding onto from my past that influenced our relationship with spite and resentment through the use of my tone and my words and I forgive myself for using superiority as the starting point from which I began a conversation with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the moment the feeling of betrayal comes – it’s like the table’s just turned and the relationship game between me and them has changed to the extent that they not only betrayed that which I entrusted in them, they have now betrayed all of me and so therefore I must stand within the idea that the whole relationship is null and void – for going to the extreme within myself with regards to how in my mind I decide the entire relationship must now be doomed because of feeling betrayed.

When and as I see myself feeling as if someone or something has betrayed me, I stop. I breathe. I direct myself to ask myself questions, to understand why, how, who and /or what exactly is it that’s contributing to me feeling betrayed, because I see, realize and understand that nothing is so important that one should go to extremes inside oneself, thus it’s important to remember to stop, to breathe and give myself a moment to forgive within understanding why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m entitled to special treatment, that I am somehow more deserving of special treatment because I’m the parent/grandparent.

When and as I see myself demand respect and desire to react in spite within and as the belief that I’m entitled to special treatment because I’m mom and / or because it’s ‘owed’ to me, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to behave in such a way could very well be a direct link of support to our indebted and broken monetary system, therefore, I commit myself to Stop living who I am through and as a false sense of entitlement with an ‘I want it now’ attitude.

I commit myself to not ever make decisions in my relationship with other people or my future when I’m in any form of hatred, revenge and/or resentment energy.

—-Update—-

My daughter and I have been able to assess our alignment with each other in real time every day since the last reaction between us, which was almost 2 weeks ago now and, thus far we’ve both been successful with our communicating with each other.

With regards to ‘where’ my daughter and her family are going to live, while I’m not really in agreement with their decision, I have let her and her partner and my granddaughter know that we’re here for them and will support them and their decision.

***What I find interesting, and I’m still investigating and forgiving is how in my mind, I still have a conflict with my daughter’s choice of where they’re going to live – but I’m not reacting to her on the outside but inside myself, lol, I’m still making amends if you will. Because during the day my mind tried to make believe there was a conflict between my daughter and I based upon a reaction that I didn’t participate in, lol, but my mind thinks there’s supposed to be something going on there, lol! So there’s definitely shifts / changes taking place within me as I continue walking the self correction and realignment process with regards to this point.

Also to note here: In December of 2012, my daughter and her family had to come live with us while she went to nursing school. So below one can click on any of the following links to blog during that time to get a glimpse into my process of writing out the different dimensions as I’ve walked them with regards to this point within and as the mother / daughter construct / relationship which I began shortly after they moved in with us.

I will continue to walk the real-time process of self change to stop any and all reactions to my daughter and her and I have made a commitment to individually and together as self-willed equals, to continue to walk and become a living example of how change can come to the mother / daughter relationship and can be one of support when one’s starting point is structured first within the starting point of what’s best for all.

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Below are Links from my JTL blog where I’ve written regarding this point:

Day 186: Inside Outside In-between (My Daughter’s Moving Back Home)

Day 191: Empathy Pain

Day 196: Moving Through

Day 199: Finding Fault becomes a case of Moral Dilemma

Day 201 & 202: Like Mother, Like Daughter

Day 205: I’m too old for this!

Day 206: The Suffering of Others

Day 251: Forgiving Self Betrayal

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

Day 260: Mother/Child Relationship Commitment

Day 272: Woman to Woman

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

***I will post process updates as they develop and are relevant to this point.***

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Suggest also hearing the following Interviews which have been instrumental for me as I’ve been walking this particular point:

Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383

Choices & Doubt – Reptilians – Part 384

Trust Within Constancy – Reptilians – Part 385

Transcending Betrayal – Life Review

In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal – Life Review

Seeing Your Reactions – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

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Day 297: Moving beyond the two-year mark – Day 5: Test results are in, what’s next?

In this podcast I share the results from my recent hcg test.  This test being the base-line I use to gauge the effectiveness of the alternative treatment plans that I’ve been walking for 2 years for Breast Cancer.

I also share the role that Desteni I Process continues to have upon my overall success during this process with regards to being able to stop myself from fearing how my thoughts were generating emotional fear energy experiences,   as well as what my plans are moving forward.

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

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Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

IV vitamin C therapy: A cancer perspective

Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

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“Waiting is implied self judgment and will cause inaction and regret.” Bernard Poolman

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

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My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

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My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

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Great video below about Vitamin B17 case histories:

 Vitamin B17,laetrile case histories;lung, colon, breast, prostate

Link provided below to the reference I made in this podcast about how finally Big food brands are getting nervous, because their sales of processed, packaged foods have dropped considerably: 

Consumers’ new eating habits are hurting Big Food’s profits

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Sitting here to write about this particular emotional fear energy isn’t something that I want to do. In fact, I’ve become very good at avoiding this point all together by way of one distraction after another until wham! Seemingly out of nowhere I will experience more pain in my upper back / chest area and that pain seems to trigger an experience of emotional fear energy.  Where I would become so influenced by the energy that I wasn’t able to see what was contributing to and thus creating the thing in the first place.

When I’m in that emotional fear energy, it’s like a dark wave comes over me and within that the personal realization and seriousness of my situation comes to surface.  My situation being that I have Cancer, and that it may very well be the thing that kills me.

When I was first diagnosed with Cancer, almost 2 years ago, that was when this particular Emotional Fear Energy pattern was ignited, or more appropriately, that’s when it was first triggered. And I mean, I’m sure we all have this pattern within us and will have to face it because I mean everyone will face their own mortality at some point.

So how can one assist and support themselves to stop this particular emotional fear energy?  This I will be sharing assistance for with this blog and blogs to come.

I knew from the beginning when I first made the decision and firm committment to myself and my physical body to get well and become Cancer free through alternative means and diet and I knew I was beginning what would be a long journey. So, I’m still applying the same alternative treatments that I planned almost 2 years ago and they’re still proving to be very effective. My Physical Body is responding very well in that the Cancer is still diminishing. But even still, there’s no way of knowing for sure the toll that all of it will have on my Physical body,  or even if it will ultimately help me to be Cancer free.

So what’s been going on is for almost 2 years I  accepted and allowed this particular emotional fear energy pattern-  that I can only describe as debilitating – to be the reason why I reach for things to distract myself from what’s really go on within myself,  and instead,  what I do is sort of freeze inside,which is really a way of suppressing myself.   I also go into a waiting game within myself as if I’m giving up on myself.

Alright so, when I participate in and as this particular emotional fear energy I’m not able to see what it is attached to.   The only thing I know for sure is with the energy comes a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Tears will some time swell up, and sometimes, I allow myself to cry, and it’s a deep hard cry. But mostly, I stick to distracting / suppressing myself so as to not look at / investigate what the fear is really attached to.

So the Eqafe interfiew that I heard called: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias, resonated with me and assisted me to realize what’s been going on within me which is a Fear of Losing Control. Identifying this one thing has assisted me to better understand what’s been contributing and creating the emotional fear energy which and has assisted me with a clearer perspective,  which causes the energy itself to lose it’s illusion of control and power over me.

Before,  when the energy would be triggered,  there was no sense to be made of it, so it was as if I would sort of tumble into and as the energy and become fully engulfed in my imagination and basically interpret my fear experience as that of fearing death and dying.

So to Stop Emotional Fear Energy one must first be able to define what one is fearing and when one can do that then one will be able to begin to direct oneself to stop the control the fear had on oneself.    And for me this is huge!

Because I mean since being diagnosed with Cancer, I’ve seen some changes that my physical body has gone through. And within that are the realization that any day the Cancer could spread and get worse and, what will I do if that happens.  and what if my body begins the process of dying’? Will I be aware of it if / when that happens? Will I ultimately lose the use of my bodies facilities? And can I overcome embarrassment if that were to happen? Will my body become ugly or deformed in some way, and if so, will my partner still want to be with me?

So to be clear,  I’ve been able to identifytjat the fear is about what my physical body will have to endure and so what I will have to endure with regards to the physical process of dying.  Any deterioration process.  The decay, the physical pain and suffering, any and all experiences that my physical body may go through – that’s what I’m referring to, that’s what I fear losing control of.  And now that I’ve been able to identify this point,  I’m already seeing my ability to stop accepting and allowing the emotional fear energy to overpower me.

I’m also investigating how I’ve accepted and allowed ‘avoidance’ and ‘despair’ to play a role in me not having the endurance to stand up to this fear of losing control which itself leaves me with the illusion of an inability to direct myself effectively to forgive and release myself of the emotional fear energy experience.  More on these in blogs to come.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotional fear energy to having Cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind attach the word cancer to emotional fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the effects of cancer on my physical body to the emotional fear energy within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to go into emotional fear energy is doing the very thing to myself as my Physicalbody that I am fearing the cancer will do.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare my cancer story to those who have survived their cancer story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and unmotivated by the emotional fear energy that I have associated with having cancer and with which I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to causing myself to want to give up.

I commit myself to when and as I see emotional fear energy come up in relation to cancer and what having it might do to me, I stop. Instead I direct myself to Breathe and focus on remaining realistic with regards to any and all fears and / or symptoms that may come up from moment to moment and to Not compare my cancer story to those who have survived cancer and to understand that in reality the process of alternative cancer care will have physical symptoms and/or reactions that are Not life threatening and are only a part of the healing process.

Suggested Eqafe Interview: Incurable Diseases – Fears & Phobias

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For Further Context Read:

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Day 290: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – stopping emotional reactions to myself – Day 43

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Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

When I was growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to see my biological father every day and so as a kid, I barely knew him. Mostly I knew him as this person who I ‘thought’ about alot in my head. I wanted to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that I heard my friends speak of and when that didn’t happen, I made up scenario’s in my head about what that might look and feel like. Growing up I spent one week out of every year with him and for the longest time I felt robbed of something and eventually, I blamed him and became very angry and resentful at him for not living up to how and what I ‘thought’ a dad should behave and act like.

So for most of my life the relationship that I had with my biological father was one that I had made up within and as my mind. Eventually, after one failed marriage and the impending collapse of my second one, I took a trip to see my father and for the first time I was able to share with him how I had thought and felt about him throughout my life.

An interesting thing that came to be in that moment – of what must have seemed to him like brutal self honesty being thrown at him from every direction – was that I for the first time realized that the entire ‘idea’ about him that I had participated within and as in my head, couldn’t have been more wrong. I remember watching his every move while I was sharing with him and was taken back by the man standing before me who never took his eyes off of me while I spoke. It was like he was intent to hear every word I said and I can only describe him as displaying an elegance as he quietly within himself seem to take responsibility for how I had felt and experienced myself with regards to him.

And it was an interesting moment because within a small moment of awareness between us, I was able to forgive him and in the process forgive myself. It would be years later before I would come to see, realize and understand that it was never about forgiving him, it was always about forgiving myself. And I mean, he offered no apologies, and as it turned out I didn’t need an apology. What I needed from him was what he gave me when he took responsibility for being who he was, and it forever stopped and changed the nature of our relationship.

Alright so that was many years ago and since then him and I have kept in touch, however, since we live hours from each other it’s been difficult to see him as much as I would have liked to. So when I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, him and I began to speak on the phone often, and over the course of the last year we’ve gotten to know each other free from judgments, blame, shame and /or guilt. Which is cool because when you remove feelings and emotions from the equation what you get is a stable meaningful and assisting relationship. That’s how our relationship has been developing and we would talk about lots of things like money for instance, and about how hard it is to survive in this world.

He knew the challenges of making ends meet in a money system that is obviously broken. Nevertheless, he worked hard and made a good living working in a machine shop that built airplane parts for a major corporation for many years. Unfortunately there were very few regulations back then with regards to protecting the skilled laborer and so he was exposed to breathing extremely fine metal shavings which over time accumulated and the result was irreversible lung damage.

So 10 years ago he was diagnosed with severe lung damage and already outlived the amount of time the doctors first predicted he’d have left to live. During that 10 year time span, the Doctors prepared him for how the end of his life would most likely happen – congestive heart failure and possible kidney and/ or organ failure do to the meds to reduce the fluid build-up that comes with having poor lung function / congestive heart failure.

So unfortunately he’s been in and out of the hospital over the past few months and his quality of life has been deteriorating daily, but even so, what I was aware of the last time that him and I spoke was how he spoke with a quiet resolve.

The last time him and I spoke was about a month ago, and this morning my dad passed away.

I will miss him. I will miss our chats. And, I am grateful that him and I came together as we both faced illness and our fear of death and dying. When we would speak, the tone of his voice held no feel of judgment. Maybe that’s what allowed him the gentleness that came through in his nature during his last months here which really assisted me to see, realize and understand what’s worth giving for, which is Life. That whatever it takes, LIFE must Not be experienced as a suffering by anyone, and to ensure that doesn’t happen ever again, we Give to All,  that which we would want given to ourself.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in Love instead of the common sense of living in ways that is practically best for all life and thus best to be the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to reform the foundation of love to be the result of effective common sense living in a practical measurable way where all cards are always on the table and no thoughts exist that are hidden that could lead to justification and judgments that will end up in break-ups purely because the self interest of feeling was measured to be worth more that the integrity and respect of self honest living.

I commit myself to hold only life as worthy and holy and to reform all relationships on earth to that which respect and protect life in all ways necessary.

I commit myself to reform the understanding of the place and use of the mind and thinking to its rightful place as a tool with which to design living patterns of flesh as self that is best for all life and not allow myself the compromise to regard the mind as more than life and as a tool that has rights that overshadow life.” Bernard Poolman

Day 290: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – stopping emotional reactions to myself – Day 43

For Context Please Read:

Day 288: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Giving up, Giving in, or Both? – Day 41

Day 289: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – that sinking feeling that comes with the giving up experience – Day 42

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotional reactions within the ‘giving up experience‘, where I’ll become easily irritated and impatient which causes resistance within me which I often allow to influence my relationships in how I respond and interact or react to / with others, as well as with myself from the starting point of the irritation and / or impatience.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘giving up’ is a process that manifests within and as my mind as consciousness and for accepting and allowing myself to beLIEve that it is me who is making the decision to give up, when in fact the decision to give up began the moment I first resisted and / or reacted to a part of myself within my mind and for that moment when I first turned against myself in my mind which is the exact moment when I gave up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to emotional feeling reactions / energies, which give way for consciousness to make the decision for me to make the giving up official.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily and readily give up on myself and for how I look to find something wrong in things and / or for looking for something somewhere to judge and attack myself or others for.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being pulled into and as irritation and / or impatience and / or resistance within the emotions of the giving up experience, I Stop, I Breathe and move myself to do whatever I can to assist myself – such as writing out what’s going on within me in that moment and / or by taking a short walk or playing fetch with my dog – rather than giving in and accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into and as my mind as ‘the giving up on myself experience‘.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting within my head towards myself, I stop and breathe, I direct myself to in that moment do self investigation to understand my relationship with the point of giving up so to assist myself to walk through the point with stability – instead of reacting and judging myself and building up more emotional and feeling reactions which lead to consciousness making the decision for me to make the giving up process official.

I commit myself to stop giving myself over to my mind within and as the giving up process / experience – to instead investigate the thoughts / voices in my head that I’ve been listening to and the emotions / energy that I’ve been participating in that have turned me against a part of myself in my mind and within that for using entertainment / television as a tool for my mind to fuel itself – to instead use the mind consciousness system to work for me instead of against me in remaining aware of how in that moment of giving up, look at how / why I’m being so hard on myself with regards to this exact point, and how in doing so it further builds a hardness within me, a wall, wherein I’m not able to recognize my own potential, therefore, I commit myself to write out, investigate and identify the mental and physical effects of the giving up process and to practice embracing myself as I continue to walk this process while assisting my physical body to correct imbalances and heal itself.

I commit myself to recognize and appreciate myself for remaining consistent within the process of assisting and supporting myself, my physical body to heal itself of cancer.