Tag Archive | childhood fears

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

When I was growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to see my biological father every day and so as a kid, I barely knew him. Mostly I knew him as this person who I ‘thought’ about alot in my head. I wanted to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that I heard my friends speak of and when that didn’t happen, I made up scenario’s in my head about what that might look and feel like. Growing up I spent one week out of every year with him and for the longest time I felt robbed of something and eventually, I blamed him and became very angry and resentful at him for not living up to how and what I ‘thought’ a dad should behave and act like.

So for most of my life the relationship that I had with my biological father was one that I had made up within and as my mind. Eventually, after one failed marriage and the impending collapse of my second one, I took a trip to see my father and for the first time I was able to share with him how I had thought and felt about him throughout my life.
worth giving for
An interesting thing that came to be in that moment – of what must have seemed to him like brutal self honesty being thrown at him from every direction – was that I for the first time realized that the entire ‘idea’ about him that I had participated within and as in my head, couldn’t have been more wrong. I remember watching his every move while I was sharing with him and was taken back by the man standing before me who never took his eyes off of me while I spoke. It was like he was intent to hear every word I said and I can only describe him as displaying an elegance as he quietly within himself seem to take responsibility for how I had felt and experienced myself with regards to him.

And it was an interesting moment because within a small moment of awareness between us, I was able to forgive him and in the process forgive myself. It would be years later before I would come to see, realize and understand that it was never about forgiving him, it was always about forgiving myself. And I mean, he offered no apologies, and as it turned out I didn’t need an apology. What I needed from him was what he gave me when he took responsibility for being who he was, and it forever stopped and changed the nature of our relationship.

Alright so that was many years ago and since then him and I have kept in touch, however, since we live hours from each other it’s been difficult to see him as much as I would have liked to. So when I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, him and I began to speak on the phone often, and over the course of the last year we’ve gotten to know each other free from judgments, blame, shame and /or guilt. Which is cool because when you remove feelings and emotions from the equation what you get is a stable meaningful and assisting relationship. That’s how our relationship has been developing and we would talk about lots of things like money for instance, and about how hard it is to survive in this world.

He knew the challenges of making ends meet in a money system that is obviously broken. Nevertheless, he worked hard and made a good living working in a machine shop that built airplane parts for a major corporation for many years. Unfortunately there were very few regulations back then with regards to protecting the skilled laborer and so he was exposed to breathing extremely fine metal shavings which over time accumulated and the result was irreversible lung damage.

So 10 years ago he was diagnosed with severe lung damage and already outlived the amount of time the doctors first predicted he’d have left to live. During that 10 year time span, the Doctors prepared him for how the end of his life would most likely happen – congestive heart failure and possible kidney and/ or organ failure do to the meds to reduce the fluid build-up that comes with having poor lung function / congestive heart failure.

So unfortunately he’s been in and out of the hospital over the past few months and his quality of life has been deteriorating daily, but even so, what I was aware of the last time that him and I spoke was how he spoke with a quiet resolve.

The last time him and I spoke was about a month ago, and this morning my dad passed away.

I will miss him. I will miss our chats. And, I am grateful that him and I came together as we both faced illness and our fear of death and dying. When we would speak, the tone of his voice held no feel of judgment. Maybe that’s what allowed him the gentleness that came through in his nature during his last months here which really assisted me to see, realize and understand what’s worth giving for, which is Life. That whatever it takes, LIFE must Not be experienced as a suffering by anyone, and to ensure that doesn’t happen ever again, we Give to All,  that which we would want given to ourself.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in Love instead of the common sense of living in ways that is practically best for all life and thus best to be the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to reform the foundation of love to be the result of effective common sense living in a practical measurable way where all cards are always on the table and no thoughts exist that are hidden that could lead to justification and judgments that will end up in break-ups purely because the self interest of feeling was measured to be worth more that the integrity and respect of self honest living.

I commit myself to hold only life as worthy and holy and to reform all relationships on earth to that which respect and protect life in all ways necessary.

I commit myself to reform the understanding of the place and use of the mind and thinking to its rightful place as a tool with which to design living patterns of flesh as self that is best for all life and not allow myself the compromise to regard the mind as more than life and as a tool that has rights that overshadow life.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 124: Hit and Miss

Today, my biological father called me. A man who I’ve barely known, yet, when I was young, I craved for and sought after his attention. He lives about 125 miles from me and I rarely if ever talk to or see him. Tomorrow is his birthday, he’ll be 75. He called to tell me that he is not doing very well and doesn’t believe he’ll be here much longer. We had a nice conversation and he handles himself with curiosity when I don’t agree with his belief in God and, he even agrees that Equal Money is the Solution for this World, though doesn’t see how we’ll ever get everyone to stop their greed to implement it.

I asked him after 75 years on this earth – what has he realized about himself, free from his beliefs. He admitted he had no idea how to answer that and then added how he’d lived a pretty decent life and that he guessed that was all one could ask for… Yes. I’m familiar with that point of acceptance that he spoke of, and I’m no longer willing to allow myself to be that.

When I hung up the phone, I saw how I longed for the days when all of my family was still here. I heard the backchat of thoughts within my mind reminding me how within the past year I’ve lost my brother, my sister and now my biological father is, as he put it, “on his last leg.” I wanted to just sit and reminisce about what used to be. However, I didn’t. I stopped. I breathed, and in self-honesty, I saw how my mind was looking for a feeling that a long time ago, I believed was me. I no longer accept that. Instead, I wrote the following self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto the urge to reminisce within a pattern of what looks to me to be one that I would describe as a ‘hit and miss’ – meaning: it’s like looking through dozens of photos and hoping to find one that is recognizable – wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to long for what used to be within a belief that was never real and how within my perception of and as my mind I dreamed of what could have been, thus existing within the hope for a relationship with a father that begins and ends within ‘dreams of what if’, within a memory/character of and as my mind – which was preprogrammed and downloaded into me from/of and as the mind of my parents, and the generations that have gone before me, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing that in the ‘miss’ I become the ‘hit’ that I perceive myself as, as that which I long for within a feeling to be special by a man that I never really knew, and within that, I forgive myself for not realizing that when I reminisce, I am basically sleeping with my eyes open, just like one does in REM sleep, wherein we ‘dream‘ about ourselves within our mind as elaborate storylines all the while ignoring what is real as our physical body and our physical reality, and, I forgive myself for not realizing that when I reminisce of/for what used to be, but wasn’t, and/or when I ‘reminisce’ for that which I never had in order to feel/experience that which I feared in the first place, how within that, I am actually using feeling and emotional energy charges to supply myself with what appears to be a reliever of stress, when actually, it creates stress unto my physical body while I ignore a point of suppression and where I’m adding fuel to the fire by creating scenarios within my mind to distract from facing responsibility for myself and for my world, thus depleting me as my physical body within the acceptance of that which isn’t real as the thoughts that suck the life from me as my physical body/flesh and bone through my own participation within/as and during the madness of reminiscing in and as my mind as consciousness, therefore, I forgive myself for the desire to escape to the past within and as my mind as the memories/characters thereof and thus live my past as my future as the here within this moment.

When and as I see myself longing and reminiscing for/of what never was, and/or what used to be, of/as what is ‘now the past’, I stop. I breathe. I see, realize and understand that the past is over and to participate within and as my mind of/as memories/characters, is to accept death unto me as my physical body where I cycle within the same patterns, lies, pain and false sense of security that I’ve always existed as. I am No longer willing to accept and allow the direction of and as my mind as consciousness. Instead I commit myself to direct me as my mind in self-honesty.

When and as I see myself existing within the desire to escape into and as my mind as the memories/characters of and as my past, I stop. I breathe and I realize that in every moment of breath I have the choice to decide to remain here breathing within and as what is real as my physical body and my physical reality or I can choose to participate within and as my mind which is exactly how and what is killing our physical bodies and physical reality, and I have realized this because I have proved this to/for myself, thus, I see, realize and understand the common sense in stopping and being the directive principle of me and through self-corrective application stopping that which is/has been the deadly game of life within and as humanity enslaved to a world/money system within cycles of abuse and death.

I commit myself to let go of/stop reminiscing within cycles of/as memories/character as how abuse is manifested/created against life.

I commit myself to breathe and move the energy through me and ground myself here within and as what is real as my physical flesh and earth.

I commit myself to show how together as a Group, we can manifest Heaven on Earth where All life is experienced in/as dignity according to what’s best for All.

2012 – The Year of Stopping Fear


Self-forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements to direct myself in stopping fear related to the following topics/childhood and adult fears/videos which I shared on You tube with regards to fear week.

Childhood Fear of seeing white looking figures walking in my room at night

i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate who I am through and as a childhood fear where I would see and fear white looking figures walking toward me in my room at night and where I believed them to be an alien or the spirit of a dead person coming to cause me or my family harm.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark because I believed what I was seeing was real instead of realizing that my mind was directing me through emotions of loneliness that I participated in and as until I began to manifest visions at night that I then kept alive through the very fear that created them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to harbor anger towards my parents when they couldn’t see the white figures in my room that I believed I saw and so therefore they did not believe me or have patience with me when I told them about the white ghosts in my room at night.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the white ghostly figures of my minds imagination as a way of getting attention from my parents.

I see and I realize that the fear I experienced as a child was me as my mind directing and manipulating in order to create a reason for my parents to show me attention and I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as such and instead I stop, I breathe and I direct me here according to a principle of equality for and as all life.

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Fear for my childs future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for the lives of my children within our world where the price of living is increasing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry if my children will be able to afford to feed themselves in our world where money is valued over life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what the world will be like when my grandchildren grow up and will they be able to provide themselves with a home and food or will they end up homeless because of our abusive money system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at how we take life for granted and where we look past the suffering of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed emotions and feelings to direct who I’ve been where I’ve overlooked how corrupt our current money system is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed others to suffer while I indulged in frivolous nonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the abuse of our current money system instead of standing up sooner and educating myself in how our world economic system functions.

When and as I see myself fearing for my children and/or my grandchildren’s future, I stop, I breathe and I direct myself here to stand up in support of an Equal Money System which is the solution that will give all life a chance to live in dignity.

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Childhood Fear of the nickname Spot

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be hateful and resentful to those who called me names when I was young and in grade school.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear those who called me names in school.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in spite towards those who called me names which further instigated their name calling.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame and deny taking responsibility for how my life was and is because I alone am responsible for how I experience myself within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing me wherein I actually enjoyed feeling sorry for myself and as such abdicated myself from myself and all life here.

When and as I see myself avoiding taking responsibility for how I am experiencing myself I stop, I breathe. I realize that I have walked the pattern of feeling sorry for myself and I know how I exist because of it. Till here no further. I no longer accept the pattern as who I am. Instead I take self-responsibility and I stand and direct myself in support of an Equal Money System so that all Life may experience heaven on earth.

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Adult Fear of being Eaten Alive and/or Cannibalism

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being eaten alive by a large animal like a bear or a tiger.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being dismembered by someone or an animal and then being left alone to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people becoming so hungry and desperate for food that they resort to cannibalism.

When and as I see myself fearing being eaten alive or fearing cannibalism, I stop, I breathe. Instead I see and I realize that fear is energy related and only serves to fuel the mind as consciousness and I choose to stop who and what I’ve been as consciousness and to direct myself here in self-honesty according to what’s best for all life so that all abuse within our world may be stopped.

I stand before myself facing who and what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist within this world through my fears and denial of self and I forgive myself. In Self-honesty, I vow for 2012 to stop fear and instead stand up for and as all life beginning with supporting an Equal Money System so that all life may exist here in dignity.