Tag Archive | family

Day 292: Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much

Born in Middle Class America, my story isn’t special. Meaning, how I experienced myself growing up could be your story, or anyone’s story for that matter. Let me explain.

I was in second grade, around 7 or 8 when I first become aware of the variety of masks that people wear as their making some sort of a connection when they’re beginning a relationship with each other. I recall having strong emotional fears with regards to deciding which mask or character / personality to become even though I understood that it all depended upon the situation and the people and how I wanted to experience and express myself when being around them.

Bottom line, I was scared. Scared to get too close to anyone, because already by the time I was 7, I understood that people don’t stay, they leave. They go their own way for whatever reason and from the very beginning, I didn’t like subjecting myself to the emotional pain that inevitably happened when a relationship stopped / ended. It’s no surprise then that I can relate so much to the following quote:

“I find people around me are all making some kind of connection, like friendship or romance. But human bonds always lead to messy complications. Commitment. Sharing. Driving people to the airport. Besides, if I let someone get that close, they’d see who I really am and I can’t let that happen. So, time to put on my mask.” Dexter Morgan (Character) from the Showtime series: Dexter

I accepted early on in my life that what was going on within my mind with regards to my thoughts and my feelings and emotions within a fear of loss at the prospect of being rejected wasn’t worth giving my whole self to.  Because being rejected felt like losing a part of myself.  And so as I participated within and as ALL that,,, I withdrew into my own little world within and as my mind where I believed the lies that I told myself – which was that I didn’t want or need anyone to be happy, yet I was anything but happy.

So during my first couple of years in elementary school I remember spending a lot of time watching and observing other kids in my class. I envied the kids who would become the teachers favorite, and every day during recess I remember watching as the kids in my class ran around having fun together playing.   I remember wondering why I felt so alone and lonely inside myself and as I watched them go about their business, I experienced quite a bit of negative emotions and insecurity within and towards myself.  Inside my head, I was having thoughts / backchat,  asking myself what is wrong with me that I can’t seem to make the kind of connections with others that I see them making amongst themselves…

Almost in-spite of myself, by the time I reached middle school, I had established a few close friendships / relationships, both male and female. But even then, something within me in how I experienced myself within my relationships was off in that I felt like I never completely fit in with the relationship.  It was like I watched myself put on a mask, and depending upon who I was with, I would become some sort of character / personality, and in doing so, within my mind I began to blame and spite and resent others for how I was experiencing myself and I felt emotionally defeated.

I realize now that how I experienced myself back then and how I experience myself now with regards to my relationships with others, both individual or within a group, whether personal or business – had / has nothing to do with anyone else but me. Meaning, I am responsible for what goes on within me at all times and the same goes for what’s going on within and as my outer world / reality, because our outer world is a reflection of what we’re accepting and allowing to exist within us.

Therefore,  it’s important that I Stand Committed and walk this point through, breathing through the resistance in order to become stable and supportive within and as the Desteni Group , which is and has always been quite a pilar of support for me.  This I am currently walking the corrective application for,  but clearly,  my early experience into society as a child has influenced every relationship I’ve had…

 

Investigating the point now, I see how when I was a kid,  one of the things that would have assisted me greatly, would have been if someone – like my parents, or a teacher – would have been able to offer me support and guidance for what was going on within and as my mind, as thoughts and pictures, and the feelings and emotions and the fear!  That would have made a world of difference for me when I was growing up.

 

And I mean, it’s only been through walking the lessons in Desteni I Process Pro and applying the tools that the course provides that I’ve been able to understand for myself the goings on within and as my mind.  And more than ever, I see how important it is that we walk this life together supporting each other with a partner as well as walking within and as a Group.

changing the world together with dipThe Group should be supportive of ALL Life, because let’s be serious, there is NO WAY that one person will ever be able to bring about the kind of change that this world and everyone in it so desperately seek.

The kind of change that is required to our monetary system as well as All the world systems.

And unless we stand together as a Group and support the kind of freedom where the Foundation of Life on Earth begins with making All worldly decisions based upon and according to what’s best for all. That’s the only way that we can ensure that money is no longer God and thus no longer the thorn in everyone’s side and then, when we stop stressing out over NOT having food, or water and a home and clothes and an education – when All that mess and stress ends we’re going to be shocked at how just that point alone will completely change the relationships we have with each other and the relationship we have with others within our world.

If one look at the history of man and how our relationships with one another are by way of our thoughts and feelings and our emotions – we can then see how participating in them keeps us from being able to be objective. And when we’re not being objective then we fall into the realm of subjectivity – which means our decision making is personal, and subject to the influence of opinions by way of beliefs and thoughts and feelings and even subject to how we’re experiencing ourself at any given moment. And come on, at this point the decisions made in this world is also made based upon ego and greed, profit and the fear of survival!

I mean, there’s a lot going on within our mind that we cannot accept and allow when making life and death decisions with regards to how our current monetary / world systems operate / function.

And, until we can understand our own minds – like how and why we think and react like we do – because what I’ve learned through walking the Desteni I Process course is that I can direct who I am as my mind and in doing so I am able to take responsibility for myself and for what and how I’ve accepted and allowed Life on Earth to be lived as.

It’s Time to Question Our Reality, and come together as a Group to agree on a money system that will support Everyone… If we can’t do that, then we’ll have to continue to suffer because Hell on Earth is just getting started.

Time to forgive ourselves and each other, and make the most important decision we’ll ever make, not in the name of ouself but in the name of and for the future of how Life itself will be experienced as dignified here on Earth.

 ENROLL TODAY!

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Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

When I was growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to see my biological father every day and so as a kid, I barely knew him. Mostly I knew him as this person who I ‘thought’ about alot in my head. I wanted to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that I heard my friends speak of and when that didn’t happen, I made up scenario’s in my head about what that might look and feel like. Growing up I spent one week out of every year with him and for the longest time I felt robbed of something and eventually, I blamed him and became very angry and resentful at him for not living up to how and what I ‘thought’ a dad should behave and act like.

So for most of my life the relationship that I had with my biological father was one that I had made up within and as my mind. Eventually, after one failed marriage and the impending collapse of my second one, I took a trip to see my father and for the first time I was able to share with him how I had thought and felt about him throughout my life.
worth giving for
An interesting thing that came to be in that moment – of what must have seemed to him like brutal self honesty being thrown at him from every direction – was that I for the first time realized that the entire ‘idea’ about him that I had participated within and as in my head, couldn’t have been more wrong. I remember watching his every move while I was sharing with him and was taken back by the man standing before me who never took his eyes off of me while I spoke. It was like he was intent to hear every word I said and I can only describe him as displaying an elegance as he quietly within himself seem to take responsibility for how I had felt and experienced myself with regards to him.

And it was an interesting moment because within a small moment of awareness between us, I was able to forgive him and in the process forgive myself. It would be years later before I would come to see, realize and understand that it was never about forgiving him, it was always about forgiving myself. And I mean, he offered no apologies, and as it turned out I didn’t need an apology. What I needed from him was what he gave me when he took responsibility for being who he was, and it forever stopped and changed the nature of our relationship.

Alright so that was many years ago and since then him and I have kept in touch, however, since we live hours from each other it’s been difficult to see him as much as I would have liked to. So when I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, him and I began to speak on the phone often, and over the course of the last year we’ve gotten to know each other free from judgments, blame, shame and /or guilt. Which is cool because when you remove feelings and emotions from the equation what you get is a stable meaningful and assisting relationship. That’s how our relationship has been developing and we would talk about lots of things like money for instance, and about how hard it is to survive in this world.

He knew the challenges of making ends meet in a money system that is obviously broken. Nevertheless, he worked hard and made a good living working in a machine shop that built airplane parts for a major corporation for many years. Unfortunately there were very few regulations back then with regards to protecting the skilled laborer and so he was exposed to breathing extremely fine metal shavings which over time accumulated and the result was irreversible lung damage.

So 10 years ago he was diagnosed with severe lung damage and already outlived the amount of time the doctors first predicted he’d have left to live. During that 10 year time span, the Doctors prepared him for how the end of his life would most likely happen – congestive heart failure and possible kidney and/ or organ failure do to the meds to reduce the fluid build-up that comes with having poor lung function / congestive heart failure.

So unfortunately he’s been in and out of the hospital over the past few months and his quality of life has been deteriorating daily, but even so, what I was aware of the last time that him and I spoke was how he spoke with a quiet resolve.

The last time him and I spoke was about a month ago, and this morning my dad passed away.

I will miss him. I will miss our chats. And, I am grateful that him and I came together as we both faced illness and our fear of death and dying. When we would speak, the tone of his voice held no feel of judgment. Maybe that’s what allowed him the gentleness that came through in his nature during his last months here which really assisted me to see, realize and understand what’s worth giving for, which is Life. That whatever it takes, LIFE must Not be experienced as a suffering by anyone, and to ensure that doesn’t happen ever again, we Give to All,  that which we would want given to ourself.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in Love instead of the common sense of living in ways that is practically best for all life and thus best to be the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to reform the foundation of love to be the result of effective common sense living in a practical measurable way where all cards are always on the table and no thoughts exist that are hidden that could lead to justification and judgments that will end up in break-ups purely because the self interest of feeling was measured to be worth more that the integrity and respect of self honest living.

I commit myself to hold only life as worthy and holy and to reform all relationships on earth to that which respect and protect life in all ways necessary.

I commit myself to reform the understanding of the place and use of the mind and thinking to its rightful place as a tool with which to design living patterns of flesh as self that is best for all life and not allow myself the compromise to regard the mind as more than life and as a tool that has rights that overshadow life.” Bernard Poolman

Day 271: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Death of a Relationship – Day 38

To share how one experience themself when someone close to them dies, doesn’t come easy for most of us because the subject of death is one we work hard to avoid. I mean on the one hand we want to talk with others about how shocked we are from the loss of a loved-one through a sudden or unexpected death, yet on the other hand, the topic of death itself triggers our ultimate fear, our fear of death and dying.
death of a relationship
Since being diagnosed some 10 months ago with Breast Cancer, I’ve been investigating my fear of death, even still it is very uncomfortable when death hits close to home.  It’s like looking behind yourself, to your past to see yourself, yet knowing full well within yourself,  that you did not see ‘it’ coming, ‘it’ being ‘death’, which always brings with it, the ‘death of a relationship’.

My favorite uncle was admitted into the hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia, and this is an all to familiar road because in my family, my mother and my brother, both died from pneumonia, and then now, my uncle has died from it as well, he was 53.

My uncle was one of the funniest people I’ve ever been around, and I wish I would have called him a month ago when the thought of doing so was triggered when my daughter mentioned she’d seen him where she had been working that day.

This time as the news of the death of a close family member came, I became oddly aware of how it was like for a moment, time stood still and for a split second I saw no difference between death and life. Meaning in how we exist here, acting like we’re life,  all the while existing like the living dead in how we accept and allow things like war, poverty and starvation to exist.  All I know is, that in that moment,  life and death seemed oddly the same and if only for a moment, there was no evidence within me of fear.

The moment of having no fear was of course fleeting, and I watched as I allowed myself to get sucked into the memories of the relationship I had with my uncle.  I remained aware of how my mind wanted to indulge in an enjoyable recollection of past events which came with an uncomfortable feeling of regret, guilt and sadness.  An all to familiar feeling within my mind that comes with the death of a relationship.

For the moment, this is all I can share,  but I will be watching and reading Heaven‘s Blog, because the specific context that’s being walked is about when something unexpected happens within one’s world that is personally-traumatic, where one go into an absolute mental and physical shock.

This will prove to be very assisting for how I’ve experienced myself the last couple of weeks – in how I felt ‘hectic’ inside myself when the fact is, it was hectic because of how within my mind I’ve been grieving within the fear of loss.  Basically, I’ve participated within and as the energy of regret, guilt and sadness while facing my ultimate fear, my fear of death and dying…

Alright, that’s all for now.

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Be Sure to Read:
Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479

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Day 176: After Death Communication – Part 25

“This World Is, Practically Speaking: Judgment Day. You’re Living it, Every day, Every breath. You are Living, Your Judgment. And, as you Judge, whether it is to Pretend that you are More than Life, or that you are the Product of Allowed Abuse, and thus Less than it : you are the One that Choose. You are the one that Decide. You are the One that Determine. You are the One that Allow. You are the One that Accept. You are the One Who will Find, that what is Here, is what is Hereafter. Unless you Change, while you’re Here, Proven Steadfastly, that you have In Fact Changed, Consistently, Breath by Breath, Never to Again Allow Life to Fall under your Self Interested Judgment; unless you Walk this in such a Steadfast Way that you will Never be Doubted, because you Never Doubt yourself, because You Will Stand regardless of what it Takes, to Bring About that Which is Best for Life, in Every Way, Always: You’ll Not be Worthy of Life.

And, because you don’t know when your Last Breath is, I suggest: You Stand Fast, and then Remain Steadfast. Because, by Now, Commonsense should Show you, that when you Die – All that Happens to the Dead, is that the Living try and keep their Memory Alive.” Bernard Poolman

Day 190: This Fixes Everything

create change with Equal Money

Art By: JL Kenney

“They’ll wonder why poverty continued so long in human society – how a few people could live in luxury while billions dwelt in misery, deprivation and despair.” ~ Muhammad Yunus

Everyday the cost of living increases, and with that increase, comes an increase in stress.

There is only one reason why there’s a price for living… Greed.

How insane is it that we continue to accept and allow our world/money system to be run by profit and greed…

People are so consumed in their minds, always busy “robbing from Peter to pay Paul”, that it’s no surprise that the daily news reads of a world full of people struggling.  The increase in suicide, crime and/or mass murder/suicide amongst teens and young adults is like something out of a horror movie.

Parents today are emotionally unavailable and clueless when it comes to raising children. And the majority of young parents today, don’t have a clue how to make a home-cooked meal for their children let alone display any practical common sense skills in order to be an example of living as a responsible human being committed to what’s best for All Life.

I really don’t know what’s going to become of the world we’re leaving for the children of our world, but what’s clear is, we are ALL in serious trouble. We’re overworked, stressed out and have basically given up that our world will ever change. We certainly realize that changing ourself in a way that will have a substantial effect on All life here on Earth,  is virtually impossible.

What will we do? What is a Real Solution? A Solution that doesn’t require war… Where can we get help? Is there a place where people will listen to the needs and consider the question of  why is it that there is a minority who are rich while the majority suffer daily living in poverty, fighting wars, fighting debt and fighting each other while fighting to survive?

When will we realize that Equal Money Fixes Everything?

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that democracy as it exists now in the world is not empowering the individual, it is only a permission process to legally give all power to a few people that do not hold the interest of the individual at heart – and if viewed as a picture-representation, it is like a human body where the cells are the individuals that vote and give all power to the mind to do whatever it wants, thus in fact creating a clear dictatorship where only the dictatorship is valued and the celliziens/citizen is ignored, but for their labor and money they provide.” Bernard Poolman

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For Context Read:
Nearly half of families are worried about debts as toxic combination of runaway inflation and low wage growth means they struggle to make ends meet

Families hit after supermarkets hike ‘budget’ food prices by as much as 110% in just a year

Sandy Hook community buries more of its tiny victims

State ‘fails’ thousands of vulnerable children

300,000 will be in fuel poverty by Christmas

Investigate Equal Money

Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life

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Day 187: The Fabric of Family Is Made of Money

Continuing from: Day 186: Inside Outside In-between

inside outside in betweenI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversations and back chat where within my mind I would say to myself: “when I have kids I will be different from my parents and not be greedy with my money”, or, “I will not favor one of my children over the other one” and within that, I see, realize and understand how in doing so I’ve been existing within a point of ego and spite in believing myself as superior and furthermore fueling myself as my mind within and as ego as a positive energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within and as a beLIEf system where I told myself that money was not that important, when the fact was/is, is that money has been at the root of every decision I’ve made since I was 16 years old and pregnant, and for how money determined who I said I loved and for the fear of facing the consequences of being alone and broke, without money to properly care for my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly within my mind throw a silent temper tantrum when my parents didn’t buy me what I wanted them to and for how I utilized anger as a replacement for the negative experience I was having because in anger and ego I experienced superiority as a positive energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue the same pattern as my parents in how I raised my children in that I used money as a motivator by giving them things that gave them a sense of superiority over their classmates who couldn’t afford certain things like an expensive pair of the most popular shoes being worn at school for example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise me as my physical body wherein I made choices as a single mom and remained in a relationship of a sexual nature because in doing so I was given rent money and/or was able to buy food to feed my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to my past behaviors and for the choices I made in order to have money, and within that for how I willingly accepted that this is how life is and that I should just bow down to our current money/world system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for the anger I feel towards the rich/elite and for my lack of responsibility for not realizing that money is/has been my God.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to borrow and loan money to members of my family and then through broken promises have accepted and allowed myself to exist in resentment, greed and hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety within my chest area when my bank account gets low of money and for the fear in the pit of my stomach in worry of what will I do if I run out of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have taught my children how to be enslaved to money – instead of being a living example of life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to stop who I’ve been in and as the very fabric of family as money, and to instead direct myself through self-forgiveness to walk the physical change in redesigning who I am as life according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself within the desire to make myself and my children ‘feel’ better by trying to solve problems with money that I can’t afford to spend and/or that I don’t have, I stop, I breathe – Instead I direct myself to realize that I am actually seeking to achieve a positive energy experience to replace a negative one.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself re-acting to my children in fear for their future, I stop, I breathe – I see, realize and understand that the same as me, they must walk their process in seeing, stopping, forgiving and in self-honesty re-designing who they are to one that supports a world/money system that will be supportive of all life equally.

I commit myself to stop who I am as panic within my mind when I see that my bank account is getting low and to instead focus on writing, self-forgiveness and supporting an Equal Money System to thus end our enslavement to and as money.

I commit myself to continue to walk this my Journey to Life, to establish and manifest an expression of myself within and as my physical body and reality whereas I stop who I’ve become defined as through emotions/feelings and energy programmed through by/as money and to within that direct myself to contribute to creating and manifesting a world that is in fact best for all.

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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life

Join the forum:
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Day 186: Inside Outside In-between (My Daughter’s Moving Back Home)

There are many changes going on within my immediate world right now beginning with the fact that my youngest daughter, her boyfriend and my 2 year old granddaughter will be moving in with us in the next week. My daughter will be going to school for the next few years to be a Registered Nurse and her school schedule is compromising her work schedule and at the moment they can no longer afford their rent. The only way losing their home could be prevented would be if an Equal Money System were already in place.

Equal Money will change the way life itself is experienced especially since the Majority of us are struggling every day just to survive, thus, there are certainly enough to breathe Equal Money into Life.

I’ve realized through some personal writings how money has played a Huge factor in who I am and how I’ve come to accept and allow our current world/money system to exist as it is.  For instance, I measured my mother’s love for me according to how much money she was willing and/or able to spend on me even though at the time I didn’t realize it – how her spending initiated a positive energetic charge within me and so she, (or rather her money) was able to make me feel good. When she didn’t get me what I wanted, my experience of myself was a negative one and it just so happened that was 95% of the time.

I can remember having internal conversations and back chat where within my mind I would say to myself: “when I have kids I will not be so greedy with my money”, “I will not favor one of my children over the other one”.  And as a kid, I was sure my mom spent more money on my brothers and sisters than she did on me.

The thing is, when I grew up and had kids,  I repeated the same patterns as my parents. Eventually I favored my youngest daughter over my other daughter and my oldest child, my son – here I’m referring to the amount of money I have given and /or spent on them.
inside outside in between1The fact is, I’ve done a grave injustice in how I’ve raised all of my children and specifically with my youngest and with regards to money. I was always trying to make my children happy, to ‘fix’ their world – always trying to make them ‘feel’ good and in doing so, of course I made myself feel better, or so I ‘thought’.

There is a huge problem when one is trying to make someone ‘feel’ better because ‘feeling good’ is Not the magic formula to becoming a responsible human being who is considerate of All life.  In fact, just the opposite happens.

I can see how all of the emotions and feelings surrounding the numerous moments when a bill couldn’t be paid or when there wasn’t enough money to buy food – all the pain and suffering could have been prevented with Equal Money.

Equal Money is a living example of what it is to be responsible for All Life on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money as a motivator for my reason for the fear of feeling rejected by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I’ve become within what I believed was expected of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my children within my world of fear which I’ve continued to exist within and as based in memory/characters and personalities that I first imagined and created for myself as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the image/thought of the look on my mom’s face when she would get angry at me for asking her to buy something for me – and for how I resisted the image so much so that I became it and then created the opposite side of the coin of it in that I over indulged in order to manifest a positive energy experience within and as me and for my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed internal conversations and backchat to determine the choices I made with regards to money in raising my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a happy face in the face of others all the while inside myself existing within a split version of myself trying to maintain the positive within a negative experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have suppressed myself because I believed I couldn’t express my feelings and opinions about money and family social status.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how easy it is to deceive myself and others with a smile.

Suggest for context Hear: Living in Two Worlds – Life Review

to be continued
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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life

Join the forum:
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Day 182: It’s Not Personal – it’s PERSONALITY

“Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” ~ Meg Ryan from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’

I used to believe that I loved that quote from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’, because I believed that’s how it should be between people. Personal. I’ve since realized how the whole idea of being in a personal relationship with another person has been nothing more than personal conflicts – conflicts of personalities.

When we take things personal, it’s because within our mind we’re acting according to whatever character or personality we’re existing as – where we have a complete storyline going on within our mind as we participate in thoughts, feelings and emotions which we beLIEve to be real. We don’t realize how the story begins and ends in self-interest and ego while we’re busy existing in and as the energy that it takes to maintain the experience we believe we’re having.

So the point I’m looking at here is personality and experience – which began with fear.  Fear that began when my partner communicated to me his recent thoughts – which he’d been stopping, but nevertheless thoughts he’d been having with regards to his desire to receive attention from female coworkers – which he realized is/was an attempt to validate his own negative experience to change it into a positive one.  As he shared with me,  I thought it was very cool,  and I was pleased with how we were communicating.

But then, later that night when I went to sleep, I woke up after having a dream where there was only a brief image, an image of my partner in the arms of someone else, an image that in my past I had often been aware of but had always dismissed it but after seeing it in my sleep I noticed how I was suppressing myself and how I was left with a gloomy depressed feeling that I can not trust anyone.

As I’ve been walking this process, one thing I know for sure is that everything I experience within and without is a direct reflection of myself.  And I realize that I’ve never been able to trust myself, yet, I see how my mindset changed towards my partner and I realize that I have to investigate this point further because I see how I’m pulling away and separating myself further and further from him. Which means I’m pulling away and separating myself further from myself.

I also noticed the internal conversation/ backchat within my mind that was repeating – where I was telling myself over and over: ‘it’s not personal’. Yet, the many character’s and personalities that I exist as within my mind ‘felt’ that it was very personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the origin of personality begins in/with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personal because I see, realize and understand that what ‘feels’ personal is in conflict with a personality I’m existing as within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ rejection and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that when I fear rejection it’s because I accept myself as imperfect, unsatisfactory, and/or useless and powerless, thus I forgive myself for judging myself through the eyes and ears of consciousness as fear and comparison of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, unwanted with no way to provide for myself and within that not realizing that when I accept the fear of being alone and unwanted and fearful that I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself, it’s because I don’t trust myself and instead of investigating myself in self-honesty as to why and how come I don’t trust myself, I project that separation/fear onto others – when the fact is, when I direct myself in self-honesty according to what’s best for all and catch a glimpse of what it is to Not exist in separation from myself and others as myself, that’s when I comprehend how the fear of self/others diminish, and I begin to establish a point of self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I pursue someone/something for energy, such as love and happiness, that within my pursuit of ‘it’ I’m separating myself from myself as ‘it’, thus ‘it’ (for example: love and happiness) becomes more than me, thus why I exist in fear of and am able to be controlled and directed by ‘it’ as me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought/image within my mind of my partner smiling in the arms of someone else, and I see how the image is important because when I see that image within my mind, I experience guilt and shame, because within that image holds a memory of myself as my own past behavior and the deceptive nature I once existed as, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself and my partner as I tried to escape from the negative depressed state of mind and experience I was having of myself by seeking for attention outside our relationship as a way of validating myself and thus providing myself with a positive energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character/personality of and as my mind where I am only concerned about whether or not I am having a positive energy experience – one which serves it’s purpose by stroking my own ego and for the depths of evil that I have existed as within my mind when/as I’m am seeking for attention, just so I can try and believe that I’m having the ultimate experience – one where all I want to do is to relieve myself from feeling negative, so much so, that I haven’t stopped and considered the consequences of my experience and how it manifests in the lives of others within and as my world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a “I told myself so’ attitude towards my partner, where in fear I believe I can’t trust him and thus I imagine myself walking away and informing him that I will not be mistreated, that I would rather be alone and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my imagination in this plays out exactly how I have existed as towards myself, where when I realize I am facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed as my past and my behavior, that I will hide within myself and pout and feel sorry for myself and as such I can’t forgive myself and thus I never reach a point of real substantial change within, and as a result I continue repeating the same mindset/patterns over and over and the results are manifested within and as me as my physical body and world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘It’s not personal” and ‘he can’t be trusted’ that what I am doing is accepting myself within a point of self-denial where I distract myself through judging others because I secretly judge myself for not facing myself and directing myself in self-honesty within and as a point of self-correction and self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and condemn my partner as being the reason for my perception of myself as being unhappy, because I see, realize and understand that I have existed within the belief that in order for me to be happy then I must have a positive energetic experience, and if I am having a negative experience then I must be unhappy and within that, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the true nature of my thought participation which will assist me to understand how and why I experience myself the way that I am.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an abdication of self and life in such denial that I will manifest within my stomach a sinking feeling and a feeling of nausea, therefore, I commit myself to stop existing in self-denial through living behind the characters and personalities of and as my mind as memories and patterns that I realize are preprogrammed from my parents and society, and to instead commit myself to stop manifesting the physical consequences of self-dishonesty by committing myself to myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically manifest the consequences within and as my physical body of and as infection due to how I have existed in and as rejection where I deny myself as who I’ve been and what I’ve accepted and allowed as evil and abuse to continue to exist within and as myself and my world as myself.

I commit myself to when I feel fear to stop and investigate who I am as it.

I commit myself to stop taking things personally and if and when I see that I am taking something personal, I stop, I breathe – instead I slow myself down and bring it back to self to see how and what self is existing as, to thus forgive and walk the self-corrective application to redesign what self has accepted and allowed and realign self with and as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to realize that I have always existed as some sort of character and/or personality because that is how I have hid from myself in fear, and I see, realize and understand that in self-honesty I am able to redirect myself to reach a point of self-intimacy and establish self-trust.

I commit myself to breathe and become aware of and forgive myself for when I’m searching for and/or existing in negative and positive energy experiences.

I commit myself to changing myself through Desteni I Process and walking the Journey to Life because I see, realize and understand that it is only through changing myself within, that I will be able to walk as a living example and effectively support a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to STOP seeking attention because in seeking I am stroking my ego and existing in self-interest which is unacceptable, thus, I commit myself to breathe and walk with gratitude for/as self.

I commit myself to stop rejecting myself and my world as myself in fear of what I may discover.