Tag Archive | expectations

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

When I was growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to see my biological father every day and so as a kid, I barely knew him. Mostly I knew him as this person who I ‘thought’ about alot in my head. I wanted to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that I heard my friends speak of and when that didn’t happen, I made up scenario’s in my head about what that might look and feel like. Growing up I spent one week out of every year with him and for the longest time I felt robbed of something and eventually, I blamed him and became very angry and resentful at him for not living up to how and what I ‘thought’ a dad should behave and act like.

So for most of my life the relationship that I had with my biological father was one that I had made up within and as my mind. Eventually, after one failed marriage and the impending collapse of my second one, I took a trip to see my father and for the first time I was able to share with him how I had thought and felt about him throughout my life.
worth giving for
An interesting thing that came to be in that moment – of what must have seemed to him like brutal self honesty being thrown at him from every direction – was that I for the first time realized that the entire ‘idea’ about him that I had participated within and as in my head, couldn’t have been more wrong. I remember watching his every move while I was sharing with him and was taken back by the man standing before me who never took his eyes off of me while I spoke. It was like he was intent to hear every word I said and I can only describe him as displaying an elegance as he quietly within himself seem to take responsibility for how I had felt and experienced myself with regards to him.

And it was an interesting moment because within a small moment of awareness between us, I was able to forgive him and in the process forgive myself. It would be years later before I would come to see, realize and understand that it was never about forgiving him, it was always about forgiving myself. And I mean, he offered no apologies, and as it turned out I didn’t need an apology. What I needed from him was what he gave me when he took responsibility for being who he was, and it forever stopped and changed the nature of our relationship.

Alright so that was many years ago and since then him and I have kept in touch, however, since we live hours from each other it’s been difficult to see him as much as I would have liked to. So when I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, him and I began to speak on the phone often, and over the course of the last year we’ve gotten to know each other free from judgments, blame, shame and /or guilt. Which is cool because when you remove feelings and emotions from the equation what you get is a stable meaningful and assisting relationship. That’s how our relationship has been developing and we would talk about lots of things like money for instance, and about how hard it is to survive in this world.

He knew the challenges of making ends meet in a money system that is obviously broken. Nevertheless, he worked hard and made a good living working in a machine shop that built airplane parts for a major corporation for many years. Unfortunately there were very few regulations back then with regards to protecting the skilled laborer and so he was exposed to breathing extremely fine metal shavings which over time accumulated and the result was irreversible lung damage.

So 10 years ago he was diagnosed with severe lung damage and already outlived the amount of time the doctors first predicted he’d have left to live. During that 10 year time span, the Doctors prepared him for how the end of his life would most likely happen – congestive heart failure and possible kidney and/ or organ failure do to the meds to reduce the fluid build-up that comes with having poor lung function / congestive heart failure.

So unfortunately he’s been in and out of the hospital over the past few months and his quality of life has been deteriorating daily, but even so, what I was aware of the last time that him and I spoke was how he spoke with a quiet resolve.

The last time him and I spoke was about a month ago, and this morning my dad passed away.

I will miss him. I will miss our chats. And, I am grateful that him and I came together as we both faced illness and our fear of death and dying. When we would speak, the tone of his voice held no feel of judgment. Maybe that’s what allowed him the gentleness that came through in his nature during his last months here which really assisted me to see, realize and understand what’s worth giving for, which is Life. That whatever it takes, LIFE must Not be experienced as a suffering by anyone, and to ensure that doesn’t happen ever again, we Give to All,  that which we would want given to ourself.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in Love instead of the common sense of living in ways that is practically best for all life and thus best to be the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to reform the foundation of love to be the result of effective common sense living in a practical measurable way where all cards are always on the table and no thoughts exist that are hidden that could lead to justification and judgments that will end up in break-ups purely because the self interest of feeling was measured to be worth more that the integrity and respect of self honest living.

I commit myself to hold only life as worthy and holy and to reform all relationships on earth to that which respect and protect life in all ways necessary.

I commit myself to reform the understanding of the place and use of the mind and thinking to its rightful place as a tool with which to design living patterns of flesh as self that is best for all life and not allow myself the compromise to regard the mind as more than life and as a tool that has rights that overshadow life.” Bernard Poolman

Day 189: Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Last night I had a dream where I saw someone whose face was blurry and unrecognizable,  yet someone I very much desired attention from . In the dream,  I was aware of how I wanted the person to see me, want me, fulfill and complete me. As the dream was ending I saw a thought/image of myself sitting on the floor with my knees up and my arms wrapped around my legs with my head bent down in disbelief because I realized the person with the blurred face and unrecognizable was me.

hunger
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative emotional charges as an experience within me that feels lost and lonely within and as the idea of what if no one sees me, desires and/or wants me.

I forgive myself for the thought/image of myself looking, seeking, longing for attention wherein I desire to be seen, wanted, fulfilled and completed by something and/or someone outside of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that that is how I avoid facing what I’ve become – the vampire who can’t get enough as I continue to suck the life out of me as my physical body and this physical reality through participating in and as negative and positive polarity emotions and feelings, believing I will reach a point of satisfaction when in fact it doesn’t exist,  because I AM that which I’ve been reaching for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself living my life according to a belief thus influencing my actions and reactions where I allow expectations to foster behavior that consistently manifest the expectations.

I forgive myself for the thought/image of myself where I’m sitting on the floor with my knees up and my arms wrapped around my legs with my head bent down – where I’m existing within a state of emotional abandonment in realizing what I’ve accepted and allowed in and as characters/personalities and behaviors only ever looking for answers to my own self-fulfilling prophecy no different from living the law of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘they don’t like me’ and/or ‘I’m not good enough‘, it’s because I’ve justified my behavior accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed, almost lost like in not realizing that my reactions are actually towards a projection as an image or picture within my mind – not a real expression of me as who I am in and as my own process -but reaching for an image of myself for greatness – instead of me getting to know me in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as feeling physically famished, like a hunger and/or an emptiness within myself for how I have become in and as my attempt of living my own self-fulfilling prophecy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project future presentations of myself without yet forgiving and investigating and redesigning who I am because of having lived according to characters/personalities of/as the self-fulfilling prophecies of what I’ve accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to stop who I am and how I’ve existed in and as living my own self-fulfilling prophecy, where in self-interest and desire I’ve pursued life within the beliefs and ideas of what can I do, what can I have, what can I buy and get and/or what can I be in order that I may be happy.

I commit myself to stop the dreams of and as my mind of what might have been and realize that ‘Might’ keeps me locked into the past of emotions, feelings and moods, thus, I commit myself to stop manipulating myself through thoughts into words which I’ve perceived to be acceptable and to instead direct my thoughts to become a living expression of who I choose to be as an expression of life within and as a practical living example that will ensure that everyone have a right to life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to face the fear of facing the nature of who I’ve become as my thoughts and to allow myself to direct my thoughts as what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become to that which is able to walkas the directive principle of self according to and as the principle of equality.

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Day 133: Killing Blame

Walking the following the Self-forgiveness for how today, I saw myself want to blame another for something that changed how I experienced myself within my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how when I become a character/memory of and as my mind, that I not only blame others for how I experience myself but I also blame them for how things happen within my world and as such it becomes easy for me to justify my actions even if it means that I am creating hurtful consequences for another, because as long as I am benefitting from my behavior, whether it be emotional, comforting and/or of monetary benefit, I will allow that to override my sense of self-control in order to achieve what I want because it’s all about me, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how as the character of blame, if I see that my behavior is no longer producing the desired results and my experience results in a negative experience, I will use that as a point of blame as well and create a protection of sorts, which is how me as my mind as consciousness protects my core beliefs and thus continues to blame others, instead of taking self-responsibility for my actions which may or may not have resulted in the consequences of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how as a character of blame I will find reasons why I should be excused for taking responsibility for my actions by participating in and as backchat which begin as: “so and so did this and that”, thus, I will magically put the fault elsewhere on someone else proving to myself within the perception of my ‘secret mind‘ that because of “so and so”, I couldn’t possibly be held accountable and/or responsible thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within and as a character of blame, I experience pain in my upper back region which I see happens mostly after a negative energy experience where I manipulate others through polarity equations where I overemphasize the negative effects that others have had on me while overemphasizing myself which underemphasizes the negative effects that my actions have had on others and thus, I avoid taking self-responsibility for who I am and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to be and become and for how and what I am responsible for according to how our world/money system exists.

When and as I see myself wanting to/place blame onto another, I Stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to stop who I am as a character of blame and direct myself through self-corrective application to take complete responsibility for who I am, to show how I am able to move myself as my physical body in walking as self-support to realign and redesign who I am in order to support a world according to what’s best for All.

“I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to divert attention away from me onto another person by blaming others for what happened not accepting and allowing myself to stand up within and as myself to take responsibility for what is here and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise or understand that as long as I am hiding behind the blame character I am tacitly accepting and allowing that which is here to continue to exist and through this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to what is here by allowing myself to hide behind the blame character.” ~ Esteni De Wet

Day 131: Because I Said So

Walking Self-forgiveness here for the bubbles of bullshit I heard/saw myself react as/to today to one of my children with regards to money and taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how as the ‘mom character‘, within the meaning of/as the words: ‘Because I said so’, I recreate my history as the patterns of/as that of the downloaded/preprogrammed mind of my parents as memories and characters and how within that I have created a relationship to/towards and with my children where I direct them according to my past experiences and as such I expect them to take responsibility for our current world/money system, instead of realizing that I’ve not yet become the living example of that which I am demanding, thus, I commit myself to Stop projecting my fear of the future onto my children and to first become a living example of what it is to stand in support of and as All Life Equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how from within the starting point of fear of our current world/money system, I expect my children to make decisions based upon what’s best for All and to act accordingly and when they don’t, I become frustrated to/toward them, giving way to reasons for them to exist toward me in/as patterns of guilt, resentment and hate, and within that, I see, realize and understand that I am actually seeing within them that which I in fact exist as, because I’ve not yet lived, breathed through and become a practical living example of that which I say I stand as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how because my mother used the words, ‘because I said so’, within a point of authority towards me, I have thus become the same pattern and have even inserted a belief of my own as that of Equality, instead of being equal to and one as a living example of Equality, thus, I see within my children that which I exist as according to that of an authority figure as a belief within a pattern of and as my mind as consciousness, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within judgment, anger and frustration to/towards my children I attempt to force an experience upon them as an idea that I have within my mind of what it is to be a living example of taking self-responsibility for All life within our current world/money system, therefore, I commit myself to stop reacting and start directing myself with patience within and as self-corrective application according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have Not directly lived as and realized who I am within and as responsibility to all living beings because I’ve never known anything physically different from that which currently exists as that of our current world/money system – which accepts and allows abuse and death upon those who have no money and/or no ways and means of acquiring money – thus, I forgive myself for creating an experience within my mind of how one is suppose to act when one is responsible to and as All living beings and for projecting that unto my children and my world, thus, I commit myself to face me in self-honesty and to Stop projecting future presentations because I see, realize and understand that we cannot know who we will be if we don’t yet know we are, and that we’ve never yet known before who we are Equal and One as All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my mind I have participated in backchat of how my children should listen to me because I am their mom and because ‘I said so’, then, they should ‘do as I say’, thus, I commit myself to stop participating in and as backchat and stop deManding that my children be anything less than who they really are as Life according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become preoccupied within my own imagination and literally lost sight of myself here as breath as living the example of that which I am requesting of others within my world/reality/existence thus, I commit myself to remain aware of who I am breathing here in self-honesty walking this life for and as/in support of a world where life will no longer be a struggle and instead be one where all living beings are given that which is best for All as a Life of Equality and Oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in/as the character of ‘because I said so’, I attempt to make my children ‘feel guilty’ by reminding them how I have assisted them financially and when that doesn’t get me my desired result, I will scold them with blame and instill in them the fear of possible future consequences if they don’t do as I said, ‘because I said so’, thus, I commit myself to stop manipulating my children and to stop giving/assisting them within the expectation of receiving something in return, to instead, give within the realization of self as living as an example of equality according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically nauseous within what I see is a resistence to letting go of the belief that children should honor they father and mother, thus, in self-honesty, I commit myself to understand and show how honor to/of and as Life is only possible within a world where All living beings are given the ability to exist here according to what’s best for all.

When and as I see/hear myself blowing bubbles of nonsense toward my children as empty words that are of no substance except as that which seeks to control, I Stop. I Breathe, I direct myself to face who I am within the bubbles of bullshit patterns of memories and characters of and as my mind to thus forgive myself and correct myself as being worthy of standing in support of and as Life in and as Equality.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all the Knowledge we teach our Children, teach Nothing about How to Live as Equals, but only Perpetuate the Hate that is Covered in Love of Inequality and the Self Glorification of Ignorance as thought, emotion and feeling, seeking to Gain the Upper Hand, the Righteousness of Knowledge, while that which Contain All things Ever, which is Life, is Denied.” ~ Bernard Poolman