Tag Archive | doubt

Day 298: Self-Change within the Mother / Daughter Relationship Construct

Alright, first a little history. Within an hour or so after spending some time with my youngest daughter, I would begin to have pain in my upper back / scapula area. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable and while I’ve been able to breathe and slowly get the pain to subside, it’s a point that I can see is requiring immediate attention.

So my DIP Pro buddy is assisting me with taking this point on and I can see how I’ve been changing the way I behave when I’m around my daughter in that as I approach her, I become stricter and it’s like I expect more from her for some reason. So basically when I’m around her I take on a specific role and /or personality and I’ve been able to connect the change in me being when the pain would intensify. So just realizing that I was doing that has assisted me to be able to stop compromising myself by that action of stepping into such a specific role / personality – which had become almost a point of automation so, it takes practice to change self as that.

So then, about a month and a half ago, my daughter had to reschedule a Drs. appt. for her daughter, Emmeline. When I heard she cancelled it / rescheduled it, even though I didn’t agree with her decision to do so, I kept quiet about the little irritation I was experiencing within myself. Upon further investigation I realized that I didn’t trust myself to not react, so I kept quiet, and in doing so I suppressed the ‘who I am‘ to ‘who am I’?

However, at the time I didn’t take the time to self investigate, so I knew the point would come around again, and it did really soon!

Then a couple of weeks ago my partner let me know that my daughter had cancelled Em’s appt. again. Immediately I saw the thoughts that were coming up within me, which were:

“I can’t believe she did that again!”

The word: Betrayed is how I’d describe the experience I was having of myself in that moment. It was like someone had done ‘me’ wrong! Me?? Done me wrong? Lol, that’s actually odd, but at the time, it felt like I had been personally betrayed the moment that Drs. appt. was cancelled.

More Thoughts:

“I deserve to have a say in E’s life.”

“what about everything I’ve done for you?”

“I kept your daughter 4 to 5 days a week for over 2 years, for free, while you guys worked 9 to 10 hour days!”

Memory comes up of Em and I and the many, many days her and I walked together this old country road just outside our house. It was on that road where Em first heard how loud the whistle of a passing train can be! The memory comes with a momentary positive energetic charge / experience / feeling of comfort but, lol, I see how my mind wants me to use the memory to distract and manipulate myself to not look closer to see how the word ‘entitlement’ is attached to the thoughts / backchat I’d just had.

I didn’t wait until I was energy-free to call and talk to my daughter. Instead I manipulated myself in my head into believing that in that moment I was free from reactions but I wasn’t. If I’d been self honest I would have known that, because I felt the rushing of energy inside myself as I called her. The energy was the red flag, but I was too busy being it to give myself a chance to stop and redirect myself. Too bad, because, Revenge of the ego was all that went down during that conversation

I forgave myself and recommitted myself to stop such reactions toward my daughter, or towards anyone for that matter.

Alas, I half-ass-essed myself within the point, meaning for the most part I ignored investigating the point through to it’s entirety. I did manage to share with my daughter how I was sorry for reacting and that I am definitely aware of, and prepared to walk the self-correction process for this point.

Fortunately, lol, a few days later, within this mother / daughter construct, the point opened up again, and bam! I reacted again! This time my reaction to my daughter set off a chain-like reaction and here‘s how it went…

Just like we’ve done every Sunday morning for the past year and a half, first thing on Sunday mornings, my partner goes to my daughter’s house to get our granddaughter. That’s the day we get to spend the entire day with her and this is precious time that my partner and I do not take for granted and it’s a time spent with her that we’ve come to enjoy so much every week.

So my daughter and I were speaking on the phone when my partner got to her house to pick Em up, but then, when she told me about them having to move and about ‘where’ their going to move to, I reacted by saying how stupid it is to move so far away from her job and I knew my tone was angry when I spoke and when she heard me say that she hung up on me. She then reacted and decided to not let our granddaughter come over as planned for the day. (I didn’t know she didn’t let Em leave with my partner until he called from our cell phone to tell me.)

When she had hung up on me I hadn’t tried to call her back because I knew I had to focus on my breathing and stop the energy before talking with her again.

However, after my partner called and told me Em wasn’t with him, I immediately tried calling her but she wouldn’t answer her phone. When she wouldn’t answer her phone, I became more pissed off. So at that point I made the decision to text her the following, which was exactly the thoughts and backchat that was going on in my head!

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t let Em come over because you thought I’d scare Em because you thought I’d show my reactions to your moving to her?”

“I am speechless.”

“I’ve never given you a reason to fear me doing such a thing”

Again I felt betrayed. I was angry. I felt anxious. My heart rate had increased adn I felt alone and wrung with self-doubt and self disappointment. As I was focusing on my breathing,  I began to see a connection within myself between self-betrayal, self-trust and self-doubt so I reached for an Eqafe interview called: Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383.

I realized from listening to the interview that I was like, stewing within myself in my head in self-doubt and when in doubt, there’s fear and in fear there’s no self-trust and so my ‘I am’ became fear and when and as I spoke / reacted as that to my daughter – and it was that same fear that I was accepting and allowing that she mirrored and reacted to me with/as. For a moment I could see clearly to forgive myself as the doubt I’d become.

Once I forgave myself, I was able to look at my daughters living situation respectfully.

The problem? They have to move asap from the house they’ve called home for a year and a half. And, in reality, them having to move was just one more thing I was reacting to and it may have been why my daughter reacted the way she did when she made the decision she made to not let Em come over here.

Things we regret tend to happen when we make decisions in our relationships and / or in our future when we’re in any form of hatred, resentment or revenge energies. And those energies breed fear. Also, when change comes, we fear loss and add a dose of self-doubt and a lack of self-trust on top of that, and what you’ve got is a dysfunctional relationship. And honestly, I don’t know any families that are free from the dysfunctions that come with NOT understanding what’s going on within and as one’s own mind! That’s why I’m grateful for the Desteni I Process, it has literally saved me from going bat-shit-crazy.

Alright so self change can seem impossible, but really, it just takes practice, and what else is there to do really anyway, but to practice understanding each other and so provide assistance and support for ourselves and for those we’re in relationships with.

With regards to my daughter’s upcoming move, it may be difficult at first to get used to because as it is she lives about 20 minutes from us and it’s been great to be able to see them just about anytime we want.

But now, with their decision to move 150 miles round trip from here, the reality is, it is a game changer, because realistically it’ll cost more money to be able to see them every week, so it’s probably not realistic to say that we’ll be able to continue with our weekly visit.

Realizing this is a game changer in my mind, I also see this being a pivotal point that has opened up an opportunity for me to also walk the self corrective application process to change the relationship that I have with myself between trust and betrayal as well as self doubt.

Andrew Gable Artist
agreement agreemend Andrew Gable

So with regards to this matter, I choose to direct myself according to what’s best for all and I know that these kind of moments where we give to ourselves an opportunity to correct the very nature of our relationships – to one that is supportive and giving unto another as one would like to receive is key in walking the self-change process.

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 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to use words as a weapon with which to excuse and abuse.

When and as I see myself feeling like I want to lash out in extreme’s to another, I stop. I Breathe, I direct myself to see, realize and understand that wanting to lash out in extreme onto another is a symptom of being dramatic, basically full of energy, therefore I commit myself to make sure that I do not act until I’m sure I’m energy clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my daughter / child based upon a memory experience I was holding onto from my past that influenced our relationship with spite and resentment through the use of my tone and my words and I forgive myself for using superiority as the starting point from which I began a conversation with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the moment the feeling of betrayal comes – it’s like the table’s just turned and the relationship game between me and them has changed to the extent that they not only betrayed that which I entrusted in them, they have now betrayed all of me and so therefore I must stand within the idea that the whole relationship is null and void – for going to the extreme within myself with regards to how in my mind I decide the entire relationship must now be doomed because of feeling betrayed.

When and as I see myself feeling as if someone or something has betrayed me, I stop. I breathe. I direct myself to ask myself questions, to understand why, how, who and /or what exactly is it that’s contributing to me feeling betrayed, because I see, realize and understand that nothing is so important that one should go to extremes inside oneself, thus it’s important to remember to stop, to breathe and give myself a moment to forgive within understanding why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m entitled to special treatment, that I am somehow more deserving of special treatment because I’m the parent/grandparent.

When and as I see myself demand respect and desire to react in spite within and as the belief that I’m entitled to special treatment because I’m mom and / or because it’s ‘owed’ to me, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to behave in such a way could very well be a direct link of support to our indebted and broken monetary system, therefore, I commit myself to Stop living who I am through and as a false sense of entitlement with an ‘I want it now’ attitude.

I commit myself to not ever make decisions in my relationship with other people or my future when I’m in any form of hatred, revenge and/or resentment energy.

—-Update—-

My daughter and I have been able to assess our alignment with each other in real time every day since the last reaction between us, which was almost 2 weeks ago now and, thus far we’ve both been successful with our communicating with each other.

With regards to ‘where’ my daughter and her family are going to live, while I’m not really in agreement with their decision, I have let her and her partner and my granddaughter know that we’re here for them and will support them and their decision.

***What I find interesting, and I’m still investigating and forgiving is how in my mind, I still have a conflict with my daughter’s choice of where they’re going to live – but I’m not reacting to her on the outside but inside myself, lol, I’m still making amends if you will. Because during the day my mind tried to make believe there was a conflict between my daughter and I based upon a reaction that I didn’t participate in, lol, but my mind thinks there’s supposed to be something going on there, lol! So there’s definitely shifts / changes taking place within me as I continue walking the self correction and realignment process with regards to this point.

Also to note here: In December of 2012, my daughter and her family had to come live with us while she went to nursing school. So below one can click on any of the following links to blog during that time to get a glimpse into my process of writing out the different dimensions as I’ve walked them with regards to this point within and as the mother / daughter construct / relationship which I began shortly after they moved in with us.

I will continue to walk the real-time process of self change to stop any and all reactions to my daughter and her and I have made a commitment to individually and together as self-willed equals, to continue to walk and become a living example of how change can come to the mother / daughter relationship and can be one of support when one’s starting point is structured first within the starting point of what’s best for all.

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Below are Links from my JTL blog where I’ve written regarding this point:

Day 186: Inside Outside In-between (My Daughter’s Moving Back Home)

Day 191: Empathy Pain

Day 196: Moving Through

Day 199: Finding Fault becomes a case of Moral Dilemma

Day 201 & 202: Like Mother, Like Daughter

Day 205: I’m too old for this!

Day 206: The Suffering of Others

Day 251: Forgiving Self Betrayal

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

Day 260: Mother/Child Relationship Commitment

Day 272: Woman to Woman

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

***I will post process updates as they develop and are relevant to this point.***

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Suggest also hearing the following Interviews which have been instrumental for me as I’ve been walking this particular point:

Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383

Choices & Doubt – Reptilians – Part 384

Trust Within Constancy – Reptilians – Part 385

Transcending Betrayal – Life Review

In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal – Life Review

Seeing Your Reactions – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

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Day 203: What Moves Me: Misgivings

Here I am investigating what moves me, where during my day I become aware of that which triggers an energetic reaction within and as me – to walk the point through with self-forgiveness and self-corrective/committment statements – to thus change the nature of who I am to one where I am able to breathe and direct myself to walk this life, living and making decisions – with No reactions, No movement within me – according to what’s best for all.

The Problem is: 

Ok so, we live about 12 miles from the nearest town and I’ve become very comfortable with the silence and solitude that living in the country brings.  However the past couple of years have brought an accumulation of neighbors as well as a nearby extremely Loud drilling rig. Thus, already I’m aware of how just the ‘thought’ of having neighbors again and a major corporation raping the land in our area, is in itself like pulling the trigger for irritation and ultimately self-doubt.

The fact is, I am no longer willing to react and exist as the energy surrounding such triggers, thus, I’m determined to walk the self-corrective application to let them go.

So today, when I saw that one of my neighbors brought 3 young beautful healthy horses and placed them in a pen on their land with very little hay and water, I saw how the sight of them triggered a memory I have of the owner.  Again I see how money is a factor and motivator in my decision of becoming who I am. The memory consists of a beLIEf where according to an image within my mind I mistake what I’ve ‘heard’ said about them to be a fact.  I remember my other neighbor saying that the people who one this particular land, that ‘they apparently have a little bit of money’.

That ‘thought’ holds no actual fact, but nevertheless it triggers more backchat and internal conversation;  ”What kind of people put horses on their land and then just leave them there alone with no shelter from the harsh weather”.  The energy in just one particular line of thought participation triggers another and is enough to cause anyone to go into a full blown mind possession.

From there I go further into imagining and projecting my fears, telling myself how there’s not enough room for them to move around, and, with no shelter from the weather, one can see why one would begin to question if the horses are being adequately cared for.   Then, it snows, and I watched as the horses huddle together as the temperature drops below freezing.

I began to see how this particular point within myself has various levels of self-doubt, self-apprehension, spite, ego and of course fear.

Within and as it, my expectations of ‘what is right’ and ‘what is wrong’ are all over the place and I project my own self-doubt onto my neighbors, even though I have no idea who they are, nor do I have any idea how to care for horses in cold weather.  Determined to stop myself as the movement of energies surrounding this point, I breathe and continue to investigate.

The Solution

Having stopped my participation in and as the back chat and internal conversations, I began to educate myself with regards to how to take care of Horses during cold weather.  Immediately all of the backchat, internal conversations and energy within this point stopped.  Because once I understood the details and proper care the delusion I was accepting and allowing didn’t have a leg to stand on, so to speak.

I was able to then direct and assist myself through applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application – to stop the pattern of ego, spite, backchat and internal conversations, judgments and opinions, as well as the fear I existed as within it..

In Addition, this point has assisted me to further realize the importance of Equal Money Capitalism,  where All Living Beings will Always be Provided and cared for according to what’s Best for All.

Reward:

No more Misgivings. I was able to recognize that the horses in question ARE being properly cared for and that all of my conclusions were obsessions/delusions – me reaching to experience myself within and as the energy of/as it. When I became clear within myself I was able to see my neighbors clear and see that the horses are doing well.

I am beginning to understand and trust myself within the meaning of ‘give as you’d like to receive’, to we walk together as a Living Example of what it is to assist and support each other according to What’s best for All.

No matter what. Everybody is Provided for… Nobody freezes and/or starves to death. Everybody has that which they require to experience a Dignified Life.

6 Components of Cold Weather Horse Care

Cold Weather Horse Care Tips

A Must Read: Day 306: Encryption of the System of Self

Investigate Equal Money Capitalism…

Misgivings1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within polarty cycles of fear of self-trapped by the fear of change and the fear of choice, all of which is just fear of self because self create all of reality – either directly or through what we accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my entire beLIEf system to be motivated and moved energetically by Money, where I accept and allow value to be placed upon Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a beLIEf according to an image within my mind that consists of gossip – where I heard someone say that so and so ‘apparently have a little bit of money’ and within that thoughtI became the fear that I exist as in terms of my own survival – where money, or rather the lack of it sets the value and determines my place in society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the LIE of Ego where ‘self’ is all that matters, because as the object of my own thoughts, I give attention to myself in/as self-interest – religion of self – instead of taking self-responsibility and directing myself according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for conclusions in my ‘place of comfort’, where I blame others for how I experienced myself as having a negative attitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself go into my mind and participate in thoughts of what is ‘Right/Good’ and/or ‘Bad/Wrong’ and make decisions according to and as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in others where I become complacent and thus find fault in other’s as a way of ignoring my own self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a nervous energy, uneasy and fearful that something might happen and thus I become apprehensive and exist in fear my own misgivings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be apprehensive to communicate with others and thus I remain stuck in my mind of ‘what if‘s’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘set in my ways’ where I accept and allow who I am to be determined according to my past as my memories/behaviors/personalities and characters through which I judge others as myself and fail to recognize what I am seeing as my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping who I am as my imagination and thus when I ‘feel’ inconvenienced, it’s because my past projection of myself is being threatened – the one where I pictured my reality and my life being lived ‘a certain way’ – ‘pie in the sky’ dreams which were nothing more than thoughts in my own head of desires based in and as self-interest and greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the feeling of believing myself as being inconvenienced by the actions or reactions of others and in failing to recognize myself within the uneasiness / movement within me as the inconvenience that I exist as in how I separate myself from others according to a value system that I’ve existed as and thus have accepted and allowed, where within our world we are the have’s and the have not’s and we support life accordingly by placing a price tag on the very necessities for life – as those that our Earth provides Equally for Everybody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the misgivings of “maybe this isn’t what it looks like” or “I don’t like this situation”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look away and say nothing about the pain, misfortune and death that I see is forced upon those who have little to no money, because as such, they are seen to have little to no value/worth within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject others according to that which I’ve rejected and denied within myself as the point of taking self-responsibility.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself existing in/as a point of energy, where for example I become moved by the mistreatment of animals, I stop, I breathe.  I see, realize and understand that I have denied standing up and taking self-responsibility for and as them, thus, I commit myself to the decision to assist and support and change who I am from the inside out to one who that is willing to become a living example of what it is to live life according to what’s best for all and I commit myself to educating myself within any giving moment that requires that I do so.

I commit myself to when and as I see movement within me as energy in relation to a point where I judge others through backchat and internal conversations – which strokes my own ego in believing that I can or would be able to do a better job of taking care of something or someone than they are – I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is my own misgivings of self that I am existing as, thus, I commit myself to walk the self-corrected application – to stop participation in thoughts, internal conversations and backchat – to instead educate myself about my world, to be willing to Stand Self-Responsible for and as All living beings to manifest Heaven on Earth.

I commit myself to stop searching for an experience as a reason to place a price tag on life.

MisgivingsI commit myself to see, realize and understand that Life here on Earth can and Will change because I am willing to walk the steps necessary that ensure Heaven is Life on Earth.

I commit myself to cross reference myself to be able to Stand within the Principal of/as What’s Best for All and so is best for me.

“From Good/Right and Bad/Wrong to – ‘What’s Best for All’. Whenever one face a moment, relationship – and one find one’s Mind go into ‘this is Right/Good’ and/or ‘Bad/Wrong’, to in the moment change the cross-reference to: Does that stand within the Principle of/as What’s Best for All, and so Best for me or Not? With the ‘Not’ in fact meaning – will this Decision/Direction produce CONSEQUENCE as compromise in me/my relationship to others, or will this bring forth a Solution and/or how can I structure the Decision/Direction into and as an equal and one Solution for me and/or all involved?” Sunette Spies ~ Heaven’s Journey to Life: LIFE-Regulation Practicality (Part Three): DAY 308

Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

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Day 76: The Worrisome Character

It becomes clearer and clearer to me daily, that the only real terror that exists within this world exists within the mind of the human being. Thus I’ve created through thought participation; The Worrisome Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a worrisome character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how come I see myself as a ‘worrisome’ character instead of a character of worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself as the worrisome character to that of a worm slithering on the floor, lying there quietly watching as life is mauled to death by our world/money system which teaches children to be soldiers and allows other children to starve to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to familiarize myself in/as a worrisome character grieving over whether we as a humanity can ever change that which we fear the most, which is ourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the worrisome character within the realization that we may never stop, that we’ll keep on replacing our integrity as life within the ‘belief’ that there is more that we must have, thus not stopping until we get what we want, not realizing that what we ‘want’ can never be gotten from somewhere out there, because what we are seeking isn’t out there, it is here, within us each one in seeing that we’re All Equal in Life in every way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in and as the worrisome character to fear how, we with our own hands will put our own creations to death because we require food for our physical body, yet we never consider asking permission first from the one being sacrificed for the sins of our own death wish of eating to live.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as the worrisome character to not realize that when I worry I fear, thus I split myself into two separate worlds, within the context of doubt and uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my fear that moves me to the survival mode of my mind in/as the worrisome character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in/as a worrisome character to abandon life itself through competing with others in order to make the most money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and project heartbreak in/as a worrisome character unto my 2 year old granddaughter in fear of what will I say to her when she asks me what happened to our world when she can’t afford to feed and clothe herself – because the reality of this moment is, $100 worth of groceries doesn’t even buy one week supply of food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the worrisome character in asking myself how and what do I tell my grandchildren as to why we as humans fear and compete as we do with each other within an explanation that others won’t mock as being that of a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a worrisome character to anguish in how much hate exists within us as humanity – will we become one massive possession within our minds as consciousness so much so that we’ll bring ourselves to the very brink of our own extinction in order to stop what we are accepting and allowing within and as our current world/money system of/as enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as the worrisome character to feel as if I’m carrying the weight of the world in the pit of my stomach, and I see how I’ve been carrying me in the pit of sPITe to/towards others in fear of myself for Not taking self-responsibility and facing me within all of the pain and suffering of existence in/as living life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a worrisome character instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that to exist as such is participating within and as the mind as consciousness which is exactly how and why we are in this mess to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how important it is to stop the mind as consciousness, thus we stop the consequences self creates within and without and unto existence.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that existing in/as the worrisome character is just another name for being afraid.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that existing in/as the worrisome character is just another self-manipulation technique to keep me forever enslaved in/as our world/money system as a mind consciousness system organic robot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a worrisome character as an excuse to justify why I am to afraid to actually stand up and take self-responsibility for the absolute madness existent in and as our world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in allowing myself in/as the worrisome character, I’m actually allowing me as my mind to manipulate, thus, I will manipulate myself and others within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem myself as a worrisome character to be superior over me – instead of standing up one and equal to/as myself through facing myself in self-honesty, thus supporting a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to stop myself in moments where I become aware that I am participating in/as the worrisome character and direct myself to investigate the source and origin of who I am within the simplicity of this moment of breath.

I commit myself to stop reactions within myself towards how our world exists and to instead in self-honesty face who I am within it all.