Tag Archive | child abuse

Day 298: Self-Change within the Mother / Daughter Relationship Construct

Alright, first a little history. Within an hour or so after spending some time with my youngest daughter, I would begin to have pain in my upper back / scapula area. Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable and while I’ve been able to breathe and slowly get the pain to subside, it’s a point that I can see is requiring immediate attention.

So my DIP Pro buddy is assisting me with taking this point on and I can see how I’ve been changing the way I behave when I’m around my daughter in that as I approach her, I become stricter and it’s like I expect more from her for some reason. So basically when I’m around her I take on a specific role and /or personality and I’ve been able to connect the change in me being when the pain would intensify. So just realizing that I was doing that has assisted me to be able to stop compromising myself by that action of stepping into such a specific role / personality – which had become almost a point of automation so, it takes practice to change self as that.

So then, about a month and a half ago, my daughter had to reschedule a Drs. appt. for her daughter, Emmeline. When I heard she cancelled it / rescheduled it, even though I didn’t agree with her decision to do so, I kept quiet about the little irritation I was experiencing within myself. Upon further investigation I realized that I didn’t trust myself to not react, so I kept quiet, and in doing so I suppressed the ‘who I am‘ to ‘who am I’?

However, at the time I didn’t take the time to self investigate, so I knew the point would come around again, and it did really soon!

Then a couple of weeks ago my partner let me know that my daughter had cancelled Em’s appt. again. Immediately I saw the thoughts that were coming up within me, which were:

“I can’t believe she did that again!”

The word: Betrayed is how I’d describe the experience I was having of myself in that moment. It was like someone had done ‘me’ wrong! Me?? Done me wrong? Lol, that’s actually odd, but at the time, it felt like I had been personally betrayed the moment that Drs. appt. was cancelled.

More Thoughts:

“I deserve to have a say in E’s life.”

“what about everything I’ve done for you?”

“I kept your daughter 4 to 5 days a week for over 2 years, for free, while you guys worked 9 to 10 hour days!”

Memory comes up of Em and I and the many, many days her and I walked together this old country road just outside our house. It was on that road where Em first heard how loud the whistle of a passing train can be! The memory comes with a momentary positive energetic charge / experience / feeling of comfort but, lol, I see how my mind wants me to use the memory to distract and manipulate myself to not look closer to see how the word ‘entitlement’ is attached to the thoughts / backchat I’d just had.

I didn’t wait until I was energy-free to call and talk to my daughter. Instead I manipulated myself in my head into believing that in that moment I was free from reactions but I wasn’t. If I’d been self honest I would have known that, because I felt the rushing of energy inside myself as I called her. The energy was the red flag, but I was too busy being it to give myself a chance to stop and redirect myself. Too bad, because, Revenge of the ego was all that went down during that conversation

I forgave myself and recommitted myself to stop such reactions toward my daughter, or towards anyone for that matter.

Alas, I half-ass-essed myself within the point, meaning for the most part I ignored investigating the point through to it’s entirety. I did manage to share with my daughter how I was sorry for reacting and that I am definitely aware of, and prepared to walk the self-correction process for this point.

Fortunately, lol, a few days later, within this mother / daughter construct, the point opened up again, and bam! I reacted again! This time my reaction to my daughter set off a chain-like reaction and here‘s how it went…

Just like we’ve done every Sunday morning for the past year and a half, first thing on Sunday mornings, my partner goes to my daughter’s house to get our granddaughter. That’s the day we get to spend the entire day with her and this is precious time that my partner and I do not take for granted and it’s a time spent with her that we’ve come to enjoy so much every week.

So my daughter and I were speaking on the phone when my partner got to her house to pick Em up, but then, when she told me about them having to move and about ‘where’ their going to move to, I reacted by saying how stupid it is to move so far away from her job and I knew my tone was angry when I spoke and when she heard me say that she hung up on me. She then reacted and decided to not let our granddaughter come over as planned for the day. (I didn’t know she didn’t let Em leave with my partner until he called from our cell phone to tell me.)

When she had hung up on me I hadn’t tried to call her back because I knew I had to focus on my breathing and stop the energy before talking with her again.

However, after my partner called and told me Em wasn’t with him, I immediately tried calling her but she wouldn’t answer her phone. When she wouldn’t answer her phone, I became more pissed off. So at that point I made the decision to text her the following, which was exactly the thoughts and backchat that was going on in my head!

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t let Em come over because you thought I’d scare Em because you thought I’d show my reactions to your moving to her?”

“I am speechless.”

“I’ve never given you a reason to fear me doing such a thing”

Again I felt betrayed. I was angry. I felt anxious. My heart rate had increased adn I felt alone and wrung with self-doubt and self disappointment. As I was focusing on my breathing,  I began to see a connection within myself between self-betrayal, self-trust and self-doubt so I reached for an Eqafe interview called: Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383.

I realized from listening to the interview that I was like, stewing within myself in my head in self-doubt and when in doubt, there’s fear and in fear there’s no self-trust and so my ‘I am’ became fear and when and as I spoke / reacted as that to my daughter – and it was that same fear that I was accepting and allowing that she mirrored and reacted to me with/as. For a moment I could see clearly to forgive myself as the doubt I’d become.

Once I forgave myself, I was able to look at my daughters living situation respectfully.

The problem? They have to move asap from the house they’ve called home for a year and a half. And, in reality, them having to move was just one more thing I was reacting to and it may have been why my daughter reacted the way she did when she made the decision she made to not let Em come over here.

Things we regret tend to happen when we make decisions in our relationships and / or in our future when we’re in any form of hatred, resentment or revenge energies. And those energies breed fear. Also, when change comes, we fear loss and add a dose of self-doubt and a lack of self-trust on top of that, and what you’ve got is a dysfunctional relationship. And honestly, I don’t know any families that are free from the dysfunctions that come with NOT understanding what’s going on within and as one’s own mind! That’s why I’m grateful for the Desteni I Process, it has literally saved me from going bat-shit-crazy.

Alright so self change can seem impossible, but really, it just takes practice, and what else is there to do really anyway, but to practice understanding each other and so provide assistance and support for ourselves and for those we’re in relationships with.

With regards to my daughter’s upcoming move, it may be difficult at first to get used to because as it is she lives about 20 minutes from us and it’s been great to be able to see them just about anytime we want.

But now, with their decision to move 150 miles round trip from here, the reality is, it is a game changer, because realistically it’ll cost more money to be able to see them every week, so it’s probably not realistic to say that we’ll be able to continue with our weekly visit.

Realizing this is a game changer in my mind, I also see this being a pivotal point that has opened up an opportunity for me to also walk the self corrective application process to change the relationship that I have with myself between trust and betrayal as well as self doubt.

Andrew Gable Artist
agreement agreemend Andrew Gable

So with regards to this matter, I choose to direct myself according to what’s best for all and I know that these kind of moments where we give to ourselves an opportunity to correct the very nature of our relationships – to one that is supportive and giving unto another as one would like to receive is key in walking the self-change process.

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 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to use words as a weapon with which to excuse and abuse.

When and as I see myself feeling like I want to lash out in extreme’s to another, I stop. I Breathe, I direct myself to see, realize and understand that wanting to lash out in extreme onto another is a symptom of being dramatic, basically full of energy, therefore I commit myself to make sure that I do not act until I’m sure I’m energy clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my daughter / child based upon a memory experience I was holding onto from my past that influenced our relationship with spite and resentment through the use of my tone and my words and I forgive myself for using superiority as the starting point from which I began a conversation with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the moment the feeling of betrayal comes – it’s like the table’s just turned and the relationship game between me and them has changed to the extent that they not only betrayed that which I entrusted in them, they have now betrayed all of me and so therefore I must stand within the idea that the whole relationship is null and void – for going to the extreme within myself with regards to how in my mind I decide the entire relationship must now be doomed because of feeling betrayed.

When and as I see myself feeling as if someone or something has betrayed me, I stop. I breathe. I direct myself to ask myself questions, to understand why, how, who and /or what exactly is it that’s contributing to me feeling betrayed, because I see, realize and understand that nothing is so important that one should go to extremes inside oneself, thus it’s important to remember to stop, to breathe and give myself a moment to forgive within understanding why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m entitled to special treatment, that I am somehow more deserving of special treatment because I’m the parent/grandparent.

When and as I see myself demand respect and desire to react in spite within and as the belief that I’m entitled to special treatment because I’m mom and / or because it’s ‘owed’ to me, I stop. I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that to accept and allow myself to behave in such a way could very well be a direct link of support to our indebted and broken monetary system, therefore, I commit myself to Stop living who I am through and as a false sense of entitlement with an ‘I want it now’ attitude.

I commit myself to not ever make decisions in my relationship with other people or my future when I’m in any form of hatred, revenge and/or resentment energy.

—-Update—-

My daughter and I have been able to assess our alignment with each other in real time every day since the last reaction between us, which was almost 2 weeks ago now and, thus far we’ve both been successful with our communicating with each other.

With regards to ‘where’ my daughter and her family are going to live, while I’m not really in agreement with their decision, I have let her and her partner and my granddaughter know that we’re here for them and will support them and their decision.

***What I find interesting, and I’m still investigating and forgiving is how in my mind, I still have a conflict with my daughter’s choice of where they’re going to live – but I’m not reacting to her on the outside but inside myself, lol, I’m still making amends if you will. Because during the day my mind tried to make believe there was a conflict between my daughter and I based upon a reaction that I didn’t participate in, lol, but my mind thinks there’s supposed to be something going on there, lol! So there’s definitely shifts / changes taking place within me as I continue walking the self correction and realignment process with regards to this point.

Also to note here: In December of 2012, my daughter and her family had to come live with us while she went to nursing school. So below one can click on any of the following links to blog during that time to get a glimpse into my process of writing out the different dimensions as I’ve walked them with regards to this point within and as the mother / daughter construct / relationship which I began shortly after they moved in with us.

I will continue to walk the real-time process of self change to stop any and all reactions to my daughter and her and I have made a commitment to individually and together as self-willed equals, to continue to walk and become a living example of how change can come to the mother / daughter relationship and can be one of support when one’s starting point is structured first within the starting point of what’s best for all.

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Below are Links from my JTL blog where I’ve written regarding this point:

Day 186: Inside Outside In-between (My Daughter’s Moving Back Home)

Day 191: Empathy Pain

Day 196: Moving Through

Day 199: Finding Fault becomes a case of Moral Dilemma

Day 201 & 202: Like Mother, Like Daughter

Day 205: I’m too old for this!

Day 206: The Suffering of Others

Day 251: Forgiving Self Betrayal

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

Day 260: Mother/Child Relationship Commitment

Day 272: Woman to Woman

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

***I will post process updates as they develop and are relevant to this point.***

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Suggest also hearing the following Interviews which have been instrumental for me as I’ve been walking this particular point:

Trust & Betrayal – Reptilians – Part 383

Choices & Doubt – Reptilians – Part 384

Trust Within Constancy – Reptilians – Part 385

Transcending Betrayal – Life Review

In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal – Life Review

Seeing Your Reactions – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

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Day 266: When a Child Dies

The quote below is from the following article: Boy, 4, dies falling into a bathtub under 37-year-old babysitter’s watch at Times Square luxury apartment building

“The child’s death came as a surprise for tenants in the 40-story luxury tower.” 

Reading about the death of a child is the hardest thing to hear about regardless of how they died.  When I read the above article, it was the above sentence that caught my eye and seemed to scream Wake-UP People!   Seriously, we have to ask ourselves how is it that those we live physically closest to, like our neighbors for instance, how it is that we don’t know a damn thing about them really with regards to how their actually experiencing themself day after day after day.   The question remains: ‘How is it we can live next door to an abused child and never even notice their being abused?

“…you did it because the group called humans allowed it to happen. The neighbors refused to take care of each other – you refused to be your brothers keeper. You refused to love your neighbor as yourself. All you were looking for is things to blame to hide your own part in playing evil in this world…” Bernard Poolman

avoidanceThis World is a dangerous place for children and animals, and I’m not sure how we’ve gotten this far considering that we as ‘the adults’ that exist in the child’s life for instance – whether it be that you’re the parent or the grandparent, the babysitter or close friend – how most of us, have minimal skills when it comes to knowing how to assist and support the child through any given situation.

My granddaughter Emmeline – who is 3 1/2 years old – she reminds me daily how important it is to be aware of what she’s doing at any given moment. And I’m seeing how she’s changing,  as her mind seems to be turning itself against her.

Yesterday she was hanging out in the living room area as I was finishing some cooking in the kitchen. Inside, our house was very quiet,  and then, for the first time ever, I hear her began to sing a song that I’ve heard her listen to with her mom, and this particular song is one that her and her mom both have said is their favorite.  It was interesting to watch her singing it because she sang with great confidence and her acting seemed spot on for how she must have witnessed another singing it considering that at 3 1/2 she has no real idea what the meaning is within the words she was repeating from the song: ‘Wrecking Ball‘ by Miley Cyrus.  

I can see how at 3 1/2 she is only now becoming acquainted with her imagination and is beginning to tell stories that make sense if only to her.    She is still somewhat unpredictable and so you never know what one her age might decide to do.  So young children require an adult checking in on them frequently and they need for us to get a clue to the fact that they’re going through a rough time as their mind begins to integrate into and as their physical body so it’s time we take that fact into consideration. 

A must Hear Interview Series that assists one to understand how to Assist the Child at Eqafe is: Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race Series.  A very interesting series with an overview of the 3 Phases of Child Development: Phase I: 0-1 Years, Phase II: 1-3 Years and Phase III: 3-7 Years.

Also to add, I’ve noticed that Emmeline has also become very emotional. One might even say she’s moody. A couple of days ago I saw her crawl under the kitchen table and then she started to kind of whimper for like 15 seconds, she then stopped, crawled out from under the table,  and took off running toward the couch where she landed with the greatest of ease.

If I give any attention to any one of her emotional outbursts then it’s like I’ve disrupted her entire process and she may or may not become agitated. There have been plenty times lately when I’ve kept Emmeline and I can see she’s having trouble expressing herself because she’s beginning to feel things she’s never felt before and the truth is,  sometimes I’m not sure if I should try and comfort her or let her be.   Sometimes she makes this sort of blank smiley face where her eyes look upward like she’s accessing her mind, kind of zombie like and I can’t help but ask: ‘who’s she acting like now’?  Mostly I’m realizing that it is only with her assistance,  that I’m able to be of any assistance for her at all.

For sure she has taught me that one on one communication with each other is vital for our physical health and our mental stability. So please.  remain aware of where and what the young child under your care is busy doing, because mostly they’re looking for something to occupy themselves with.  Thus, we have to stay awake, literally, remain aware and within hearing distance in case they require our assistance, or in case we require theirs.

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race Series

Why am I Series 

Fears & Phobias Series 

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination Series

Support LIG

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Parents are not Instructed how to Instruct Children and are thus Not Qualified to be Instructors and are thus Destructors that will even Defend their Right to Destroy their Children in spite of the Fact that if one’s not Trained in Effective Direct Instruction, one is in fact Not Qualified to have Children under one’s Supervision and would Never Employ someone Unqualified to do a Job – yet the most Important Job on Earth, which is to Instruct Newborn Children, is allowed to be Instructed by Unqualified, Inadequate Trainers – resulting in a World where No One is in fact Ever Qualified or Instructed to be part of a Society that is Best for All Present on Earth; and Although lip service is paid to Ideals like ‘Love thy Neighbor as Thyself’ it is Never Actualized as the Parent as New Life Unqualified Instruction Never Learned the Practical Implication where ‘Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself’ actually Exists.

I commit myself to SHOW that the foundation of Positive and Negative Results that are Used as Self Motivation in the Game of Survival are Based on Ignorance, and Ignoring that All Participants in Life on Earth are Inadequately Instructed as to How to Live in a Way that will be Best for Self and all other Life Forms – and this thus, Living much Positive/Negative Consideration, Does not in fact Produce a Better World, it only justifies an Inadequate Society in astounding Ignorance.

I commit myself to SHOW that No One can Walk the Path of Self Correction as What is Best for All Life without Instructions, as the Way to Life is Not In the Inner Structure of the Human, and thus the Desteni-I-Process is of Essential Importance if One is Ready to Face the Nature of a World of Ignorance.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 110 – Children are Not Born with Instructions

Day 201 & 202: Like Mother, Like Daughter

My youngest daughter moved back in with us on December 20th of last year, 2012. It had been almost 5 years since the last time she lived with us, which was the first time she moved back home after moving out right after she passed her GED just months before her 18th birthday, almost 2 years prior.  To “The Anti-Reader Personality”, that minute detail will more than likely be extremely unimportant. However, it is undoubtedly an important point for one to consider when one is unravelling and deconstructing the multiple upon multiple personalities and characters that one have existed as during such a time frame.

I mean, our past is always here for us to forgive and walk through.  Instead real change never occurs,  we continue repeating the same cycles of patterns and behaviors –  which are actually just different forms of self-abuse.

Before I began applying the tools provided through Desteni I Process, I wouldn’t have been able to see such points to forgive and become able to walk them through to release through such a practical and giving application.

We all know how ill our emotional patterns with family can leave us feeling and experiencing ourselves within our life.  Where with just the right tone and specific words spoken,  suddenly,  some forgotten, yet familiar backchat and internal conversation returns.  When that happens we  have two choices: we can either become energetically charged as an automated response pattern/ reaction – which only serves to take us further into our mind and back to the way we were, are, and have always been – stuck in emotional turmoil and personal self-avoidance. Or, we can see such moments as the gift that they are and within that who self really is and how vital it really is to slow oneself down and breathe.

What I’ve noticed is how easy it is to want to hurry and when we hurry we’re not breathing. When we’re not breathing, who we are as our mind slips into automation, old patterns, and here specifically, the mother/ daughter design construct. It’s like re-reading the same book or re-watching the same movie over and over and expecting something new or different to happen every time.

So I’m realizing that I am capable of redesigning who I am and that I can direct myself according to what’s best for all, because when I get a glimpse of myself in self-honesty, I become aware of the importance of releasing the never-ending cycles of generations upon generations of strife – as that which we’ve all existed as. And, I realize it’s going to require a willingness to ‘Let-go’, to thus give back to myself that which I’m willing to forgive myself of through redesigning  who I am from within to without.  To once-and-for-all Stop the past patterns of me as my mind that I have existed as within the mother/daughter relationship construct and to begin to actually walk this Journey to Life in/as the shoes of another.  Thus I will begin here in keeping it simple.
Like Mother Like Daughter
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being specific and for how the very meaning of specificity and becoming it in walking my process makes my entire body want to squirm and tense up and retreat thus, I commit myself to slowing myself down and giving me to me as the gift of seeing and hearing and remaining aware of me from the inside out as me as my physical body and mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having negative thoughts and for seeking positive thoughts as a way of deceiving myself into an alternate reality of feel good that actually only exists within my mind and in separation of what is actually here within and as me as my physical world/reality/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach for pretty pictures within my mind in an attempt to avoid experiencing the negative energetic charge that I often felt as a mother during those times when I was sure that I would fail, that I wouldn’t have the Courage to Not become what I beLIEved everyone wanted and needed me to be according to the picture image within my mind within and as the memories I have stored of the relationship between my mother and me and her mother and hers and so on for generation after generation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep score within myself in a way that triggers me to compare myself to other people’s behaviors, where I teeter back and forth between superiority and inferiority using opinions as definitions within which to remain stuck in a belief system of what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto memories that manifest emotional physical pain within and as my physical body because I fear that  I won’t know what to do if I forgive myself and let them go.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to argue for my limitations wherein I believe that I am the best that I can be and thus have accepted my life and my world as it is as less than giving because giving life Equally to all is determined only through laboring oneself day in and day out in order to earn money for one’s right to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and internal conversations of: ‘Oh no, not again, I can’t do this,  and I don’t want to’ because I see, realize and understand that in doing so I am instructing myself to change accordingly, thus telling myself that it’s alright to excuse, justify and give myself reason to remain existing as the very thoughts that continue to enslave me in and as ego, discontent and ultimately self-loathing and playing blame games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate myself in a crisis mode so much so that I experience a sort of separation anxiety within my physical body to the extent that I physically manifest pain surrounding the area of my upper back and into my chest and heart area.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as consciousness by arguing for my own limitation where through reacting instead of directing I restrict myself  from actually changing who and what I am and how I live, thus limiting myself from actually living the solutions that will ultimately assist us in changing the nature of who we are as Limitation.

I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing and investigating who I am in specificity and clarity as I deconstruct who I am within and as the mother/daughter relationship.
peas in a pod
I commit myself to embrace the specificity of details through walking my process of self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that it’s OK to Forgive myself and let-go during those moments when I see that I am hanging onto the emotional and physical pain that exists as a memory within and as me as my physical body.

I commit myself to stop keeping score.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others based upon judgment within the ‘belief’ that there’s a difference between their behavior and mine in that my behavior is right and their behavior is wrong, when in fact there is no right or wrong way to act because that would mean that life can never be anything but a competition, a role playing, an act, when the facts remain clear in that we all exist here together on this Earth, which for me is proof that the Principle of Equality exists here with us as the very Nature of who we are within and as our Physical Body/World/Reality/Existence.

I commit myself to stop and breathe and walk the corrective application in correcting who I am as my mind of patterns and constructs that exists between my daughter and me within and as the mother/child relationship to one that resembles what it is to give as you would like to receive, to thus inevitably change the nature of self as self walks as a living example of what it is to exist within a world where All relationships become Agreements that will support Life to reach it’s fullest potential as Heaven on Earth according to the Principle of Equality.

I commit myself to stop participating in the backchat and internal conversations that I have become aware of with regards to my daughter because I see, realize and understand that when I participate, I am actually arguing for my limitations and instead I breathe and direct myself to walk this point through in self-corrective application.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into crisis mode because I see, realize and understand that doing so is an energetic boost similar to what a vampire would do in that it sucks the life out of everyone and everything. I commit myself to accept and allow myself the opportunity to stop and breathe.

I commit myself to remaining aware of the fact that within every moment of breath is the opportunity to redesign who I am as my Physical/Mind/Body according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to really communicating with others without having other mind processes activating while I am in their presence and to really hear what they’re saying/expressing.

I commit myself to redesigning myself into a human being who is able to express oneself without demeaning and undermining others in the process.

“Place yourself in the shoes of another, and make sure you are Willing to Live That Life.” Bernard Poolman

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Suggest Hearing:

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race – Part 1 

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race – Part 2

Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race – Part 3

Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Join the forum:
Desteni

Investigate Equal Money Capitalism

Day 161: The Child is Mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the words “the child is mine” over and over within my mind where the ‘idea’ of the child being mine became more important than who the child and I were together within our relationship with each other.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself from the very moment my child was born to instantly become protective in how I believed his physical reality/world was suppose to feel and be to/for him and how I would attempt to manipulate and influence the very nature of who he would become and how within doing so, I never stopped to consider what I was taking away from him as an expression of who he really is free from the preprogramming of and as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to have unprotected sex and thus never considered the consequences of having a baby so young that when my son was born I didn’t even realize how terrified I was because suddenly, I had this small life before me and I didn’t even know how to be responsible for myself much less responsible for a baby, thus I ran from my fears and became busy, busy within my mind trying to make sense of life and busy at trying to make it look like on the outside that I was a good mom who knew what she was doing, while on the inside, I was lost, confused and trying to hide from the truth of me as the hopelessness I was running from, and within that I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my children to be molded into and as the characters/personalities  that I became day after day as I attempted to survive within this world/money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically insist that my belief in a God become the belief of my child where I never allowed my child the opportunity to question the belief which I would later realize was my way of avoiding taking responsibility for what I was willing to accept and allow within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to boost my own ego over the well being and the limited understanding that I had of the developing mind of my young son/child, where I didn’t consider what the act of ‘showing him off’ would have upon the nature of the characters/personalities that he would later become as a direct result of the role that I played as the pride in/as being a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and hope that my son will forgive me for the mistakes I made in raising him when the fact is, it is me that I am waiting for to forgive myself for because I regret the decisions and mistakes I made in raising my children because at the time all I could think of was how to get to the experience where I was having fun because I believed that was all that life was about.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the characters and personalities of and as my mind which have been passed down from generation to generation have never changed in that we continue our cycles of self-interest and greed and only think about how can we be happy and content and to hell with the world we’re giving to our children.

to be continued…

Day 148: Babies having Babies


Florida teen, 14, charged with first degree murder

A 14 year old Florida teen, is charged with first degree murder after she gives birth in the family bathroom – strangles her 9 1/2 pound baby boy and hides his body in a shoe box that she dumps in the bottom of her closet and covers it with dirty laundry. Her mother finds the baby days later cleaning her daughters closet and claims she never even knew her daughter was pregnant – even though her closest friends had questioned her the entire summer as to why her daughter was gaining weight.

Everything about this story screams out to us as a humanity to ask ourselves what the hell are we accepting and allowing when the world we exist in continues to FAIL our children.

How much more suffering will it take before we each one stand up and take responsibility for the fact that we have failed to communicate, educate or even behave in a humane manner to each other and the children we claim to be raising.

Generation after generation, children are becoming the fear product of who we are as parents running around trying to make it within a money system that thrives on competition and greed, and the fact remains, the children are the ones that suffer. It’s time we all took responsibility for these crimes against life that are occuring daily.

The majority of us, we bow down to the ‘rich and famous’. Hell, we pay their salary and dream of becoming them as we sleep walk through our enslaved lives. All the while barely paying any attention to the children we’re bringing into this mess we refer to as life.

Can you imagine being a baby born into our current world/money system to the likes of us as the parents we’ve become. Supporters of our own Enslavement

That’s the Hell of it, it’s what is happening…

Support the Solution: Equal Money

Day 137: Can’t Touch This

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have depended upon and existed within and as expectations, wherein I expect others to validate me as being ‘important’ so that I will thus then have an experience of myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up so much hope to have specific experiences of myself as ‘something more than’ who I perceive myself to be that when I don’t experience that which I expect, desire and/or wish to experience, I would then ‘feel’ a deep inner disappointment which felt like within my physical body, that I was carrying the weight of the world around within and as me, therefore, I commit myself to stop expecting, desiring and/or wishing to experience myself according to something and/or someone outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within and as a character of/as my mind I have existed as a spectator of sorts, waiting to be fulfilled and how within that I have experienced myself within negative energy picture/thoughts of how I could have and should have been a better mother/wife/person, thus, I commit myself to stop existing as a character of/as my mind who acts as the role of a spectator within and as negative energy experiences, and to instead investigate who I am in self-honesty to practically walk the path of self-corrective application according to and in support of/for that which is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a spectator and/or an observer of myself within my life where instead of participating and directing who I am as life, I have allowed me as my mind as consciousness to direct me to such a degree that I feel as if I have often become a spectacle of my own disappointment, thus I Stop. I see, realize and understand that through self-forgiveness I am able to gift to myself the courage and will to in self-honesty redesign and direct myself to change the inner me and thus change the outer me to walk in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how living within and as expectations, I have built an invisible wall of resistance and suppression around myself where I have separated myself from myself as my physical body and from my physical reality wherein my physical expression has become one of ‘can’t touch this’, therefore, I commit myself to never stop walking this process of self-forgiveness because I see, realize and understand how one is able to change self to practically become a physical living expression of and as responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically experience nausea within and as a remembrance of some lost bliss that I only recognize according to a belief within and as my mind as something that I now see, realize and understand can never be reproduced as something physical, tangible and/or real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience episodes of extreme sadness within ‘feeling’ unfulfilled in realizing that most people care very little about how others experience themselves, thus I commit myself to stop feelings of sadness and unfulfillment, and to show how we each one have the ability to realize/be our own fulfillment within and without to thus stand equal to and one as All Life according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after myself in time only never really seeing who I am within my own chase because that which I perceived to have seen in others has in fact been myself, as that which I have existed within and as, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my hope to receive fulfillment from others, what I failed to see in my disappointment is that it must be that way, because our reality is showing us that that which exists outside of ourselves cannot and will not fulfill us as who we are until we All stand together as Equals, thus I commit myself to continue walking our Desteni, always, through and as the ‘Principle of Equality

Day 133: Killing Blame

Walking the following the Self-forgiveness for how today, I saw myself want to blame another for something that changed how I experienced myself within my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how when I become a character/memory of and as my mind, that I not only blame others for how I experience myself but I also blame them for how things happen within my world and as such it becomes easy for me to justify my actions even if it means that I am creating hurtful consequences for another, because as long as I am benefitting from my behavior, whether it be emotional, comforting and/or of monetary benefit, I will allow that to override my sense of self-control in order to achieve what I want because it’s all about me, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how as the character of blame, if I see that my behavior is no longer producing the desired results and my experience results in a negative experience, I will use that as a point of blame as well and create a protection of sorts, which is how me as my mind as consciousness protects my core beliefs and thus continues to blame others, instead of taking self-responsibility for my actions which may or may not have resulted in the consequences of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how as a character of blame I will find reasons why I should be excused for taking responsibility for my actions by participating in and as backchat which begin as: “so and so did this and that”, thus, I will magically put the fault elsewhere on someone else proving to myself within the perception of my ‘secret mind‘ that because of “so and so”, I couldn’t possibly be held accountable and/or responsible thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within and as a character of blame, I experience pain in my upper back region which I see happens mostly after a negative energy experience where I manipulate others through polarity equations where I overemphasize the negative effects that others have had on me while overemphasizing myself which underemphasizes the negative effects that my actions have had on others and thus, I avoid taking self-responsibility for who I am and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to be and become and for how and what I am responsible for according to how our world/money system exists.

When and as I see myself wanting to/place blame onto another, I Stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to stop who I am as a character of blame and direct myself through self-corrective application to take complete responsibility for who I am, to show how I am able to move myself as my physical body in walking as self-support to realign and redesign who I am in order to support a world according to what’s best for All.

“I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to divert attention away from me onto another person by blaming others for what happened not accepting and allowing myself to stand up within and as myself to take responsibility for what is here and through this I forgive myself that I did not see, realise or understand that as long as I am hiding behind the blame character I am tacitly accepting and allowing that which is here to continue to exist and through this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to what is here by allowing myself to hide behind the blame character.” ~ Esteni De Wet