Tag Archive | mother

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

When I was growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to see my biological father every day and so as a kid, I barely knew him. Mostly I knew him as this person who I ‘thought’ about alot in my head. I wanted to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that I heard my friends speak of and when that didn’t happen, I made up scenario’s in my head about what that might look and feel like. Growing up I spent one week out of every year with him and for the longest time I felt robbed of something and eventually, I blamed him and became very angry and resentful at him for not living up to how and what I ‘thought’ a dad should behave and act like.

So for most of my life the relationship that I had with my biological father was one that I had made up within and as my mind. Eventually, after one failed marriage and the impending collapse of my second one, I took a trip to see my father and for the first time I was able to share with him how I had thought and felt about him throughout my life.
worth giving for
An interesting thing that came to be in that moment – of what must have seemed to him like brutal self honesty being thrown at him from every direction – was that I for the first time realized that the entire ‘idea’ about him that I had participated within and as in my head, couldn’t have been more wrong. I remember watching his every move while I was sharing with him and was taken back by the man standing before me who never took his eyes off of me while I spoke. It was like he was intent to hear every word I said and I can only describe him as displaying an elegance as he quietly within himself seem to take responsibility for how I had felt and experienced myself with regards to him.

And it was an interesting moment because within a small moment of awareness between us, I was able to forgive him and in the process forgive myself. It would be years later before I would come to see, realize and understand that it was never about forgiving him, it was always about forgiving myself. And I mean, he offered no apologies, and as it turned out I didn’t need an apology. What I needed from him was what he gave me when he took responsibility for being who he was, and it forever stopped and changed the nature of our relationship.

Alright so that was many years ago and since then him and I have kept in touch, however, since we live hours from each other it’s been difficult to see him as much as I would have liked to. So when I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, him and I began to speak on the phone often, and over the course of the last year we’ve gotten to know each other free from judgments, blame, shame and /or guilt. Which is cool because when you remove feelings and emotions from the equation what you get is a stable meaningful and assisting relationship. That’s how our relationship has been developing and we would talk about lots of things like money for instance, and about how hard it is to survive in this world.

He knew the challenges of making ends meet in a money system that is obviously broken. Nevertheless, he worked hard and made a good living working in a machine shop that built airplane parts for a major corporation for many years. Unfortunately there were very few regulations back then with regards to protecting the skilled laborer and so he was exposed to breathing extremely fine metal shavings which over time accumulated and the result was irreversible lung damage.

So 10 years ago he was diagnosed with severe lung damage and already outlived the amount of time the doctors first predicted he’d have left to live. During that 10 year time span, the Doctors prepared him for how the end of his life would most likely happen – congestive heart failure and possible kidney and/ or organ failure do to the meds to reduce the fluid build-up that comes with having poor lung function / congestive heart failure.

So unfortunately he’s been in and out of the hospital over the past few months and his quality of life has been deteriorating daily, but even so, what I was aware of the last time that him and I spoke was how he spoke with a quiet resolve.

The last time him and I spoke was about a month ago, and this morning my dad passed away.

I will miss him. I will miss our chats. And, I am grateful that him and I came together as we both faced illness and our fear of death and dying. When we would speak, the tone of his voice held no feel of judgment. Maybe that’s what allowed him the gentleness that came through in his nature during his last months here which really assisted me to see, realize and understand what’s worth giving for, which is Life. That whatever it takes, LIFE must Not be experienced as a suffering by anyone, and to ensure that doesn’t happen ever again, we Give to All,  that which we would want given to ourself.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in Love instead of the common sense of living in ways that is practically best for all life and thus best to be the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to reform the foundation of love to be the result of effective common sense living in a practical measurable way where all cards are always on the table and no thoughts exist that are hidden that could lead to justification and judgments that will end up in break-ups purely because the self interest of feeling was measured to be worth more that the integrity and respect of self honest living.

I commit myself to hold only life as worthy and holy and to reform all relationships on earth to that which respect and protect life in all ways necessary.

I commit myself to reform the understanding of the place and use of the mind and thinking to its rightful place as a tool with which to design living patterns of flesh as self that is best for all life and not allow myself the compromise to regard the mind as more than life and as a tool that has rights that overshadow life.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 272: Woman to Woman

unite1I’m not sure exactly how old I was the first time I knew I wanted to be a woman that other women would refer to as tough.

It was around the time I was in the 6th grade,- and as it would happen, I would have the same specific thought pattern occur many times throughout my life – where within my mind, I believed I could ‘think’ my way’ to being ‘tough’. The thoughts were nothing more than a desire to be seen by other women as a woman who is ‘tough’.

I was serious about it to, and within my mind, in how I defined myself, came with it an energetic feeling that began around the top of my head and worked it’s way slowly down my physical body. It was like I experienced myself as giving myself some sort of mental armor.  Within that mental armor I pretended I could temporarily protect myself from getting my feelings hurt. It was  all about the energy and participating in certain thought pattterns kept a positive energetic experience seemingly intact.

This wanting to be seen as ‘tough’ came to be the way in which I would give myself a false sense of security until finally I began to notice how when I’d be in the energy of it my chest would somewhat stick out and my physical body would experience a stiffness. It was like being on guard within myself and border lining on paranoia.

This is a point I’ve been investigating as I seen myself recently unfold, so to speak. This when after 13 months, my daughter, her partner and my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter recently moved into a place of their own. It was the moment when they first left, and as they drove out of sight, it was like I saw myself finally let my guard down, and what I realized about myself was how since the moment they moved in, I became that ‘toughness’ that I’ve just been referring to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other women’s  opinions of me as being tough to be important because it gave me an excuse to keep my distance within the relationships, to never completely give my all for fear that if I give my all, I will be hurt, left alone in a display of weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become focused on and tempted by the energy that came with the thoughts and feelings of believing myself as being tough and for how I overlooked the fact that what I was experiencing within myself was based solely upon the specific relationship that I was having within and as my mind and projecting it unto the relationships within my life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into that ‘tough’ person/character, I stop, I breathe. I see realize and understand that I am aware of the energetic/feeling that I get around the top area of my head right above my eyebrows as an indicator for me to Stop, Breathe,  Remain aware, to not allow myself to go further into and as the energy. To instead give myself the opportunity to change in the moment to one where I share an intimate moment of equality with another living being, where we see ourself in each other – within an otherwise awkward moment – to within an intimate understanding of each other as life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand, that in keeping my relationships with others working as a character who is ‘tough’, keeps me focused on the illusion as the relationship with the characters within and as my mind – which ultimately keeps fueling my mind through energy fluctuations of positive and negative as the drama of hope and the feeling of love is played throughout the relationships that I’ve had not only with women, but with men as well, therefore,  I commit myself to redefine who I am within and as the relationship.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to the best of my ability, move myself to do what is required in order of me in order to bring forth a World/Money System that will function according to what’s Best for All.

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Women to Women, Please Investigate The Basic Income Guaranteed

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Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

While I was sleeping the other night I had this dream, it had my mom in it. My mom passed away almost 11 years ago and after doing a Mother-Daughter Mind Construct through Desteni I Process some 2 years ago, I’ve not dreamt about her since. So this was interesting to have this dream because I rarely dream and so when I do, I’ve been able to use it to assist myself in my process. This particular dream assisted me to realize something while I was sleeping. Here‘s how:

In my dream, me and my mom were looking at stuffed animals, specifically stuffed animals that could electronically move which caused them to be especially ‘life like’. Now, when my mom was alive, she didn’t really care about owning a Real-Life dog or a cat, but she loved buying the toy like stuffed animals and would place them throughout her entire house.

It’s strange to look at this point with the memories of myself back then. I mean, at the time I was in love with how she collected so many knick-knacks, like stuffed animals and such. She created an environment that represented coziness and comfort for me within my mind. This was how I experienced myself in my dream,  I was Witness to how I was being comforted by my mom’s spending habits!  Comforted by the ‘things’ my mom collected. Her ‘pretty’s’ as she called them. For me, her collections, was like having one’s own game of thrones.

I saw how when I would walk into her house, I felt like the world wasn’t gonna eat me alive. I felt safe within the ‘idea in my mind‘ that ‘this is my mom’s house’, my home, and no matter how much I screw up/ fall, mom will always be here to pick up the pieces for me – to show me the way. As that, I didn’t know the first thing about taking responsibility for myself much less take responsibility for how our World exists.  When I investigate the ‘real’ relationship my mom and I had, it wasn’t anything like what my mind would have had me believe.

The reality was, my mom and I simply existed in personality designs as mother vs daughter. As we both got older, we found our place in each other through what we were both willing to accept and allow of ourselves  – the kind of acceptance where you hide within pretty words and pretty ideas, never looking deeper because you fear what you might see.  Our relationship had become a series of sweeping reality under the rug so to speak.  Never confronting the Reality of ourself and our world.  So for me this dream was All about showing me to myself and it was quite humbling,  because Everything about it was for me to see as an example of what it’s time to Let Go of.

Artwork By: Maya Harel
Equalmoney33Now this dream came about 10 days after Bernard Poolman‘s passing and it’s interesting because my relationship with Bernard had the obvious thing in common to the relationship I had with my mom in that, it brought me great comfort. Comfort in knowing Bernard Poolman was here and could always be depended upon.  I’d rather say that I didn’t make Bernard out to be a God, but, I kinda did.  I mean, he was the finest example of what a Human being can be as anyone I’ve ever been acquainted with.

So, to be clear, what I’m trying to say is, I see, realize and understand that there’s much to do here within our World. That what must be done here to make Life acceptable is more than any one human alone can accomplish. The fact is, it’s going to take us All to sort out all that we’ve accepted and allowed as what and how our World currently exist. I mean, thousands of children are starving daily and all we can think to do is to keep giving people tons of money to entertain us. That doesn’t make sense that a few should have everything while the majority have little to nothing.

This is what I realized while I was sleeping, that it’s time to Stand Responsible for the Relationship we have with Ourself and Each other.   To Stop living on time as emotions and feelings and reactions.  To Stop looking for Gods and Start Manifesting Heaven on Earth.

It’s time to support each other within the realization that this is our purpose for being here.  To come together and make sure Everyone has Everything they require for a Life of Dignity – that they’re able to Practically care for their Physical body and this Physical Reality.

We’ve got to Give to Humanity the Solution of What’s best for All and Replace our current Money System.

Let’s get it done…

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“I commit myself to show that when the starting point is life equally respected in each other, the fundamental premise to give so that you may receive is immediately grasped to such an extent that irrational fear evaporates.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to restore the common sense trust in the physical reality that is the giver of life, to restore order in an irrational , illusory world of consciousness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to demonstrate the oneness interdependency between all parts of the physical realm that together form the body that is life through which we have been destroying the Earth, and our life will end and therefore we cannot continue to live as if we are separate of the real reality without permanent consequence.” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that changing me will not be enough to change the world as it will require the change of everyone, and that if I allow others to not walk the process to life, I submit my life to be imprisoned to their self-interest. Therefore, for my own freedom from abuse I must take self-responsibility automatically for every other human – in their face – until they realize that I will not accept them as my prison warden, and that I will not be their prisoner. I will set me as life free, no matter what it takes.” Bernard Poolman

I re-read this particular self forgiveness written by Bernard Poolman today,  and it dawned on me how I’ve been making my process so much harder for myself. I’ll share an experience that I recently had with one of my children to give an example of how I began to see this.

I was standing there talking with my oldest daughter, one on one, face to face. And, I began to realize how I was having difficulty looking her in the eye as we spoke to each other. I could barely do it. Why not?

confessions of a mom

Asking myself that question is when I began to see myself as this mom/personAlity.  It’s who I become when I’m with her.

God,  as I saw myself, all I could do was stand there and focus on my breath.

Focused on my breathing, I was able to see her in her eyes rather than judge her through the mirrors of my eyes/mind.  I saw in that moment that it was me I was actually judging even as I ‘thought’ I was judging her.

It was then that I realized I was seeing the epitome of my self, like a condensed version of myself and honestly, I didn’t want to see.  No wonder I couldn’t look her in the eye…

I didn’t want to look close enough to see me,  the Self interest I was existing in/as. I didn’t want to see the reflection in the pit of me as what I’ve accepted and allowed in not taking responsibility for myself/my relationships and for the shit storm our world is existing in.  It is not easy to see, to understand how all this has come about, but it’s necessary for me to face because ‘We’ as the World, We’re in serious trouble.

I began to see this as I stood there, and I realized that the very nature of who I’ve been as an automated version/personality of myself, according to who I have believed that I’m supposed to be when I’m around my daughter, my children, it’s not only become extremely uncomfortable for me physically – to try and be that –  it’s also, well, it’s absolutely dishonest and unpractical in every single way.

I see more clearly now than ever before that it’s time for me to put into Action my taking Responsibility for myself, taking responsibility for my Relationships, as well as taking Responsibility for how our current World/Money system exists.  Because the fact is,  I realize that I have Changed within myself thus, I must put that Change into action as who I am Supporting a World according to what’s best for All.

I am No longer willing to accept such a personality/automated character of myself as that which I become in the presence of my daughter/ my children/ my world, because I see, realize and understand with immense clarity that doing so presents absolutely no practical support for myself, for my children, nor for All Life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be what my child wants me to be and how that fear in itself is the result of my own dishonest behaviors, things I did, who I became in my search for an ‘idea’ about myself.

I commit myself to Stop the search for myself because it’s all been based on an idea within my mind when the fact is the search ends here as I am not lost, I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I judge in others as the values they give to how they look and how they act is actually  reflections of/as that which I have placed value in/as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming self responsible means that I cannot expect anything less than to give unto All unconditionally that which I myself would want given to me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that within me I have changed thus I must now walk as the self corrective action to re-design myself in support of life giving to another as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to Not hold this against myself, to give myself the opportunity to change, to see, realize and understand that who I am and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become will require strict self correction and self direction with a commitment to self that I am willing and able to provide for myself,  so that I will become self supportive of life itself,  beginning first with taking self responsibility for what I accept and allow myself to be in every moment, breath by breath.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have the tools, tools that I accepted as the tools for/as Life some time ago through Desteni and Bernard Poolman,  tools that I committed myself to as I walk my Journey to Life, thus, I re-commit myself to apply such tools practically in every moment and to never forget who I am as living Responsible for myself according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to set me as life free, no matter what it takes, breath by breath.

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“I commit myself to be the parent I must be with my children, so that they will result in the living flesh that is freely life in expression here on Earth.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to walk the time that is required to delete through self-forgiveness from my flesh the abuse that I have allowed the living flesh to become, and then to re-birth myself and gift to my flesh Life, as what is best for all Life, as the living participant, till this is done. Clearly stable, trustworthy, effective, and it results in a world changed to in every way reflect that which is best for all life.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to prepare the way before all children to be that of life by confronting the accepted foundation as parenting of the world system as it reflects in education, religion, government, and all other systems that protect the current abusive parental system until parenting is in fact that which guarantee that in every way every child will always be educated to be that which is best for all life, and through this we will guarantee a world that is best for all.” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 196: Moving Through

The subject of money, or rather the lack thereof came up tonight when my daughter and her partner asked if we could help them out with giving them some gas money so they can get to work. As we continued to discuss the point, I became increasingly aware of the FAMILIar and dull pain located within my upper back between my shoulder blades. The pain, which had remained silent for most of the day, began to slowly radiate in a straight line through and into my chest area. Before, when my daughter has asked me for money I reacted and so this is a point I’m aware of and have been applying self-forgiveness for. It’s very interesting when the pain starts, because it’s like my physical body is giving me an alert to assist myself to focus on my breathing.

Continuing here further with self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to thus move myself through this point in self-corrective application.
moving through
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of anxiety and dread where I fear that when my daughter asks me for money that I will react in irritation and ultimately regret and within this, I see, realize and understand that my reaction is coming from a pattern as a memory/construct within my mind according to how our relationship used to be, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a memory/construct/habit that is actually only real because I keep accepting, allowing and thus making it real.

I commit myself to stop this pattern of my mind that I have given permission for.

I commit myself to releasing the control I have given myself permission for within my mind with regards to how I have accepted and allowed the idea and the mere mention of money to seize and control me through fear,  because I see, realize and understand that when I focus on breathing and remain in awareness of who I am in self-honesty then I am able to stand stable and move myself and make decisions according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand who I am capable of becoming free from the impulse within my mind to over react to the subject of money, to direct myself to change the nature of who I’ve been within the fear of my mind being in control of me, and to instead see, realize and understand that I Decide who I am, and I Choose to Stand Stable, Equal to and one in an agreement to change the inner me to one that will ultimately manifest my outer world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to move this point through in self-corrective application according to living as an example of how relationships can be transformed into and as agreements through self directing self walking according to what’s best for all.

For Relationship and Self-Support: DIP Lite
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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Join the forum:
Desteni

Investigate Equal Money

Day 191: Empathy Pain

With having extra people living with us, it’s been somewhat of a challenge for me to direct myself effectively to blog. And, as much as I’m enjoying it, having a 2 year old here all the time is taking some getting used to. What I’ve been realizing the past few days is that I exhibit empathy to/towards my daughter in particular, and in doing so, I also internalize irritation and anger which I’m seeing creates a consequence for me as my physical body which ultimately manifests physical pain. This is actually cool because I see that empathy is a point that I have accumulated for quite some time so here I will be forgiving, releasing and re-committing myself to direct myself to walk the point through in self-corrective application.

empathy painI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in and as empathy to/towards my daughter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the emotional pain of others where I unconsciously become addicted to the experience of myself within and as the manifested consequences of/as the physical irritation/anger within my mind/beingness in how I relate to and react – in particular to my adult daughter – where I try and help and/or align myself with her by taking on her emotional pain according to how I interpret her pain within my mind and how in doing so I compromise myself and others as myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how fear is always self-generated and event orientated in how I take an external event that occurs and interpret and internalize it as a starting point to generate fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a negative energy experience where I took the action of what another did personally and reacted shifting blame and responsibility onto them instead of taking responsibility for how and what I was experiencing within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape, conform and condition myself within this world according to how I create other people’s minds in my own wherein I imagine how they must be feeling and experiencing themselves thus basically taking on their pain as my pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use an external influence/event to create an internal experience within myself of which I then act as as an expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live vicariously through the perception within my mind as the idea I have of how my daughter may or may not be experiencing herself according to thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear as a means to wanting, needing and desiring to be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a self defined category of my mind as polarity friction/conflict between what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use empathy as a means for manipulating another human being to agree with my point of view in order to confirm the conditionings of my mind according to what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’ and according to how I’m existing in how I create other people’s minds in/as my own in how I perceive they’re feeling and experiencing themself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I’m creating other people’s minds in/as my own in how I perceive they’re feeling and experiencing themselves, that what I’m really doing is existing in self-interest in seeking to control other people’s feelings, emotions and basically their life.

When and as I see myself take on the emotional pain of others where I unconsciously become addicted to the experience of myself as the manifested consequences of/as the physical irritation/anger within my mind/beingness in how I relate to and/or react to my daughter through words as the definitions I’ve given to them, I stop, I breathe – I see realize and understand that in doing so I am actually resisting a point of real physical changethus I commit myself to investigate the definitions that I have given to words because I see, realize and understand that I’ve used words and  definitions as pictures within my mind and in doing so I have limited myself to expressions of my past and thus my words are not defined as life, but are instead trapped by definitions from my past, thus, I commit myself to stop.
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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life

Join the forum:
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Day 161: The Child is Mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the words “the child is mine” over and over within my mind where the ‘idea’ of the child being mine became more important than who the child and I were together within our relationship with each other.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself from the very moment my child was born to instantly become protective in how I believed his physical reality/world was suppose to feel and be to/for him and how I would attempt to manipulate and influence the very nature of who he would become and how within doing so, I never stopped to consider what I was taking away from him as an expression of who he really is free from the preprogramming of and as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to have unprotected sex and thus never considered the consequences of having a baby so young that when my son was born I didn’t even realize how terrified I was because suddenly, I had this small life before me and I didn’t even know how to be responsible for myself much less responsible for a baby, thus I ran from my fears and became busy, busy within my mind trying to make sense of life and busy at trying to make it look like on the outside that I was a good mom who knew what she was doing, while on the inside, I was lost, confused and trying to hide from the truth of me as the hopelessness I was running from, and within that I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my children to be molded into and as the characters/personalities  that I became day after day as I attempted to survive within this world/money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically insist that my belief in a God become the belief of my child where I never allowed my child the opportunity to question the belief which I would later realize was my way of avoiding taking responsibility for what I was willing to accept and allow within and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to boost my own ego over the well being and the limited understanding that I had of the developing mind of my young son/child, where I didn’t consider what the act of ‘showing him off’ would have upon the nature of the characters/personalities that he would later become as a direct result of the role that I played as the pride in/as being a parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and hope that my son will forgive me for the mistakes I made in raising him when the fact is, it is me that I am waiting for to forgive myself for because I regret the decisions and mistakes I made in raising my children because at the time all I could think of was how to get to the experience where I was having fun because I believed that was all that life was about.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the characters and personalities of and as my mind which have been passed down from generation to generation have never changed in that we continue our cycles of self-interest and greed and only think about how can we be happy and content and to hell with the world we’re giving to our children.

to be continued…