Tag Archive | breakups

Day 291: What’s worth giving for?

When I was growing up as a kid I wasn’t able to see my biological father every day and so as a kid, I barely knew him. Mostly I knew him as this person who I ‘thought’ about alot in my head. I wanted to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that I heard my friends speak of and when that didn’t happen, I made up scenario’s in my head about what that might look and feel like. Growing up I spent one week out of every year with him and for the longest time I felt robbed of something and eventually, I blamed him and became very angry and resentful at him for not living up to how and what I ‘thought’ a dad should behave and act like.

So for most of my life the relationship that I had with my biological father was one that I had made up within and as my mind. Eventually, after one failed marriage and the impending collapse of my second one, I took a trip to see my father and for the first time I was able to share with him how I had thought and felt about him throughout my life.
worth giving for
An interesting thing that came to be in that moment – of what must have seemed to him like brutal self honesty being thrown at him from every direction – was that I for the first time realized that the entire ‘idea’ about him that I had participated within and as in my head, couldn’t have been more wrong. I remember watching his every move while I was sharing with him and was taken back by the man standing before me who never took his eyes off of me while I spoke. It was like he was intent to hear every word I said and I can only describe him as displaying an elegance as he quietly within himself seem to take responsibility for how I had felt and experienced myself with regards to him.

And it was an interesting moment because within a small moment of awareness between us, I was able to forgive him and in the process forgive myself. It would be years later before I would come to see, realize and understand that it was never about forgiving him, it was always about forgiving myself. And I mean, he offered no apologies, and as it turned out I didn’t need an apology. What I needed from him was what he gave me when he took responsibility for being who he was, and it forever stopped and changed the nature of our relationship.

Alright so that was many years ago and since then him and I have kept in touch, however, since we live hours from each other it’s been difficult to see him as much as I would have liked to. So when I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago, him and I began to speak on the phone often, and over the course of the last year we’ve gotten to know each other free from judgments, blame, shame and /or guilt. Which is cool because when you remove feelings and emotions from the equation what you get is a stable meaningful and assisting relationship. That’s how our relationship has been developing and we would talk about lots of things like money for instance, and about how hard it is to survive in this world.

He knew the challenges of making ends meet in a money system that is obviously broken. Nevertheless, he worked hard and made a good living working in a machine shop that built airplane parts for a major corporation for many years. Unfortunately there were very few regulations back then with regards to protecting the skilled laborer and so he was exposed to breathing extremely fine metal shavings which over time accumulated and the result was irreversible lung damage.

So 10 years ago he was diagnosed with severe lung damage and already outlived the amount of time the doctors first predicted he’d have left to live. During that 10 year time span, the Doctors prepared him for how the end of his life would most likely happen – congestive heart failure and possible kidney and/ or organ failure do to the meds to reduce the fluid build-up that comes with having poor lung function / congestive heart failure.

So unfortunately he’s been in and out of the hospital over the past few months and his quality of life has been deteriorating daily, but even so, what I was aware of the last time that him and I spoke was how he spoke with a quiet resolve.

The last time him and I spoke was about a month ago, and this morning my dad passed away.

I will miss him. I will miss our chats. And, I am grateful that him and I came together as we both faced illness and our fear of death and dying. When we would speak, the tone of his voice held no feel of judgment. Maybe that’s what allowed him the gentleness that came through in his nature during his last months here which really assisted me to see, realize and understand what’s worth giving for, which is Life. That whatever it takes, LIFE must Not be experienced as a suffering by anyone, and to ensure that doesn’t happen ever again, we Give to All,  that which we would want given to ourself.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in Love instead of the common sense of living in ways that is practically best for all life and thus best to be the foundation of all relationships in all ways.

I commit myself to reform the foundation of love to be the result of effective common sense living in a practical measurable way where all cards are always on the table and no thoughts exist that are hidden that could lead to justification and judgments that will end up in break-ups purely because the self interest of feeling was measured to be worth more that the integrity and respect of self honest living.

I commit myself to hold only life as worthy and holy and to reform all relationships on earth to that which respect and protect life in all ways necessary.

I commit myself to reform the understanding of the place and use of the mind and thinking to its rightful place as a tool with which to design living patterns of flesh as self that is best for all life and not allow myself the compromise to regard the mind as more than life and as a tool that has rights that overshadow life.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 272: Woman to Woman

unite1I’m not sure exactly how old I was the first time I knew I wanted to be a woman that other women would refer to as tough.

It was around the time I was in the 6th grade,- and as it would happen, I would have the same specific thought pattern occur many times throughout my life – where within my mind, I believed I could ‘think’ my way’ to being ‘tough’. The thoughts were nothing more than a desire to be seen by other women as a woman who is ‘tough’.

I was serious about it to, and within my mind, in how I defined myself, came with it an energetic feeling that began around the top of my head and worked it’s way slowly down my physical body. It was like I experienced myself as giving myself some sort of mental armor.  Within that mental armor I pretended I could temporarily protect myself from getting my feelings hurt. It was  all about the energy and participating in certain thought pattterns kept a positive energetic experience seemingly intact.

This wanting to be seen as ‘tough’ came to be the way in which I would give myself a false sense of security until finally I began to notice how when I’d be in the energy of it my chest would somewhat stick out and my physical body would experience a stiffness. It was like being on guard within myself and border lining on paranoia.

This is a point I’ve been investigating as I seen myself recently unfold, so to speak. This when after 13 months, my daughter, her partner and my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter recently moved into a place of their own. It was the moment when they first left, and as they drove out of sight, it was like I saw myself finally let my guard down, and what I realized about myself was how since the moment they moved in, I became that ‘toughness’ that I’ve just been referring to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other women’s  opinions of me as being tough to be important because it gave me an excuse to keep my distance within the relationships, to never completely give my all for fear that if I give my all, I will be hurt, left alone in a display of weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become focused on and tempted by the energy that came with the thoughts and feelings of believing myself as being tough and for how I overlooked the fact that what I was experiencing within myself was based solely upon the specific relationship that I was having within and as my mind and projecting it unto the relationships within my life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into that ‘tough’ person/character, I stop, I breathe. I see realize and understand that I am aware of the energetic/feeling that I get around the top area of my head right above my eyebrows as an indicator for me to Stop, Breathe,  Remain aware, to not allow myself to go further into and as the energy. To instead give myself the opportunity to change in the moment to one where I share an intimate moment of equality with another living being, where we see ourself in each other – within an otherwise awkward moment – to within an intimate understanding of each other as life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand, that in keeping my relationships with others working as a character who is ‘tough’, keeps me focused on the illusion as the relationship with the characters within and as my mind – which ultimately keeps fueling my mind through energy fluctuations of positive and negative as the drama of hope and the feeling of love is played throughout the relationships that I’ve had not only with women, but with men as well, therefore,  I commit myself to redefine who I am within and as the relationship.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to the best of my ability, move myself to do what is required in order of me in order to bring forth a World/Money System that will function according to what’s Best for All.

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Women to Women, Please Investigate The Basic Income Guaranteed

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Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

Day 253: While I was Sleeping…

While I was sleeping the other night I had this dream, it had my mom in it. My mom passed away almost 11 years ago and after doing a Mother-Daughter Mind Construct through Desteni I Process some 2 years ago, I’ve not dreamt about her since. So this was interesting to have this dream because I rarely dream and so when I do, I’ve been able to use it to assist myself in my process. This particular dream assisted me to realize something while I was sleeping. Here‘s how:

In my dream, me and my mom were looking at stuffed animals, specifically stuffed animals that could electronically move which caused them to be especially ‘life like’. Now, when my mom was alive, she didn’t really care about owning a Real-Life dog or a cat, but she loved buying the toy like stuffed animals and would place them throughout her entire house.

It’s strange to look at this point with the memories of myself back then. I mean, at the time I was in love with how she collected so many knick-knacks, like stuffed animals and such. She created an environment that represented coziness and comfort for me within my mind. This was how I experienced myself in my dream,  I was Witness to how I was being comforted by my mom’s spending habits!  Comforted by the ‘things’ my mom collected. Her ‘pretty’s’ as she called them. For me, her collections, was like having one’s own game of thrones.

I saw how when I would walk into her house, I felt like the world wasn’t gonna eat me alive. I felt safe within the ‘idea in my mind‘ that ‘this is my mom’s house’, my home, and no matter how much I screw up/ fall, mom will always be here to pick up the pieces for me – to show me the way. As that, I didn’t know the first thing about taking responsibility for myself much less take responsibility for how our World exists.  When I investigate the ‘real’ relationship my mom and I had, it wasn’t anything like what my mind would have had me believe.

The reality was, my mom and I simply existed in personality designs as mother vs daughter. As we both got older, we found our place in each other through what we were both willing to accept and allow of ourselves  – the kind of acceptance where you hide within pretty words and pretty ideas, never looking deeper because you fear what you might see.  Our relationship had become a series of sweeping reality under the rug so to speak.  Never confronting the Reality of ourself and our world.  So for me this dream was All about showing me to myself and it was quite humbling,  because Everything about it was for me to see as an example of what it’s time to Let Go of.

Artwork By: Maya Harel
Equalmoney33Now this dream came about 10 days after Bernard Poolman‘s passing and it’s interesting because my relationship with Bernard had the obvious thing in common to the relationship I had with my mom in that, it brought me great comfort. Comfort in knowing Bernard Poolman was here and could always be depended upon.  I’d rather say that I didn’t make Bernard out to be a God, but, I kinda did.  I mean, he was the finest example of what a Human being can be as anyone I’ve ever been acquainted with.

So, to be clear, what I’m trying to say is, I see, realize and understand that there’s much to do here within our World. That what must be done here to make Life acceptable is more than any one human alone can accomplish. The fact is, it’s going to take us All to sort out all that we’ve accepted and allowed as what and how our World currently exist. I mean, thousands of children are starving daily and all we can think to do is to keep giving people tons of money to entertain us. That doesn’t make sense that a few should have everything while the majority have little to nothing.

This is what I realized while I was sleeping, that it’s time to Stand Responsible for the Relationship we have with Ourself and Each other.   To Stop living on time as emotions and feelings and reactions.  To Stop looking for Gods and Start Manifesting Heaven on Earth.

It’s time to support each other within the realization that this is our purpose for being here.  To come together and make sure Everyone has Everything they require for a Life of Dignity – that they’re able to Practically care for their Physical body and this Physical Reality.

We’ve got to Give to Humanity the Solution of What’s best for All and Replace our current Money System.

Let’s get it done…

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“I commit myself to show that when the starting point is life equally respected in each other, the fundamental premise to give so that you may receive is immediately grasped to such an extent that irrational fear evaporates.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to restore the common sense trust in the physical reality that is the giver of life, to restore order in an irrational , illusory world of consciousness.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to demonstrate the oneness interdependency between all parts of the physical realm that together form the body that is life through which we have been destroying the Earth, and our life will end and therefore we cannot continue to live as if we are separate of the real reality without permanent consequence.” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 252: Confessions of a Mom

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that changing me will not be enough to change the world as it will require the change of everyone, and that if I allow others to not walk the process to life, I submit my life to be imprisoned to their self-interest. Therefore, for my own freedom from abuse I must take self-responsibility automatically for every other human – in their face – until they realize that I will not accept them as my prison warden, and that I will not be their prisoner. I will set me as life free, no matter what it takes.” Bernard Poolman

I re-read this particular self forgiveness written by Bernard Poolman today,  and it dawned on me how I’ve been making my process so much harder for myself. I’ll share an experience that I recently had with one of my children to give an example of how I began to see this.

I was standing there talking with my oldest daughter, one on one, face to face. And, I began to realize how I was having difficulty looking her in the eye as we spoke to each other. I could barely do it. Why not?

confessions of a mom

Asking myself that question is when I began to see myself as this mom/personAlity.  It’s who I become when I’m with her.

God,  as I saw myself, all I could do was stand there and focus on my breath.

Focused on my breathing, I was able to see her in her eyes rather than judge her through the mirrors of my eyes/mind.  I saw in that moment that it was me I was actually judging even as I ‘thought’ I was judging her.

It was then that I realized I was seeing the epitome of my self, like a condensed version of myself and honestly, I didn’t want to see.  No wonder I couldn’t look her in the eye…

I didn’t want to look close enough to see me,  the Self interest I was existing in/as. I didn’t want to see the reflection in the pit of me as what I’ve accepted and allowed in not taking responsibility for myself/my relationships and for the shit storm our world is existing in.  It is not easy to see, to understand how all this has come about, but it’s necessary for me to face because ‘We’ as the World, We’re in serious trouble.

I began to see this as I stood there, and I realized that the very nature of who I’ve been as an automated version/personality of myself, according to who I have believed that I’m supposed to be when I’m around my daughter, my children, it’s not only become extremely uncomfortable for me physically – to try and be that –  it’s also, well, it’s absolutely dishonest and unpractical in every single way.

I see more clearly now than ever before that it’s time for me to put into Action my taking Responsibility for myself, taking responsibility for my Relationships, as well as taking Responsibility for how our current World/Money system exists.  Because the fact is,  I realize that I have Changed within myself thus, I must put that Change into action as who I am Supporting a World according to what’s best for All.

I am No longer willing to accept such a personality/automated character of myself as that which I become in the presence of my daughter/ my children/ my world, because I see, realize and understand with immense clarity that doing so presents absolutely no practical support for myself, for my children, nor for All Life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t be what my child wants me to be and how that fear in itself is the result of my own dishonest behaviors, things I did, who I became in my search for an ‘idea’ about myself.

I commit myself to Stop the search for myself because it’s all been based on an idea within my mind when the fact is the search ends here as I am not lost, I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I judge in others as the values they give to how they look and how they act is actually  reflections of/as that which I have placed value in/as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming self responsible means that I cannot expect anything less than to give unto All unconditionally that which I myself would want given to me.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that within me I have changed thus I must now walk as the self corrective action to re-design myself in support of life giving to another as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to Not hold this against myself, to give myself the opportunity to change, to see, realize and understand that who I am and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become will require strict self correction and self direction with a commitment to self that I am willing and able to provide for myself,  so that I will become self supportive of life itself,  beginning first with taking self responsibility for what I accept and allow myself to be in every moment, breath by breath.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I have the tools, tools that I accepted as the tools for/as Life some time ago through Desteni and Bernard Poolman,  tools that I committed myself to as I walk my Journey to Life, thus, I re-commit myself to apply such tools practically in every moment and to never forget who I am as living Responsible for myself according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to set me as life free, no matter what it takes, breath by breath.

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“I commit myself to be the parent I must be with my children, so that they will result in the living flesh that is freely life in expression here on Earth.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to walk the time that is required to delete through self-forgiveness from my flesh the abuse that I have allowed the living flesh to become, and then to re-birth myself and gift to my flesh Life, as what is best for all Life, as the living participant, till this is done. Clearly stable, trustworthy, effective, and it results in a world changed to in every way reflect that which is best for all life.” Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to prepare the way before all children to be that of life by confronting the accepted foundation as parenting of the world system as it reflects in education, religion, government, and all other systems that protect the current abusive parental system until parenting is in fact that which guarantee that in every way every child will always be educated to be that which is best for all life, and through this we will guarantee a world that is best for all.” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 162: Blast from the Past

Today I received a phone call from a friend from my past that I haven’t spoken to in just over 5 years. The first thing I noticed when we started talking was an awkward silence and the realization that the connection we used to have between us, was simply not there.

However, our mind uses memory to compensate for those moments of awkwardness and it wasn’t long before the manipulation tactics began and I became aware of the familiarity in how our minds were seeking to rekindle those old feelings we once believed were so special between us. In a flash of a moment I was reminded of the direction that I had once chosen as I accepted and allowed my mind to guide me in the direction that would best benefit the self-interest of us both. I sat there looking within myself and realized that here was a peculiar moment I was fortunate to be witness to.

In one sense, the future as my past with the friend and me appeared the same as it had always been and yet, the fact of the matter was, something was entirely different, changed. It was then that I breathed in the relief that it was me who had moved from that particular space and time and was walking in a completely different direction.

I was surely grateful for the moment.  And, I am grateful for the Life Skills I’ve learned and applied through Desteni I Process, because that is how I’ve been able to assist myself to decide who I am within this moment, and for the clarity of my choice in the direction I am walking – to not settle for anything less than the decision I stand by and as, to walk my life according to what’s best for all.

LOL,, was interesting, how the phone call just sort of ended, with barely even a good bye.

Above Artwork by Lindsay Craver

Day 147: I Can Do This

For Context Read: 

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

Day 146: Family Unfair

I commit myself to when and as I see myself begin to go into shut down inside myself, where in that moment I realize within my mind that I have no control over who, what or how my step dad is with regards to what and how he believes/exists as, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to stop who I become in fear to/towards him as I slow myself down and remind myself of what I know in that, I see, realize and understand that our world requires direction as it cannot and will not be able to continue as it is with the multitude of abuse and suffering that is increasing daily. Thus, I realize that we can longer deny the ignorance of sitting in silence believing in a hero or a God to fix the mess that we’re All responsible for, nor can we deny that money is the weapon we use against each other which keeps us enslaved and imprisoned within our mind of/as hate, greed, competition, war and spite, because as that, we are manifesting our own demise, therefore, I commit myself to standing up as one voice and one vote for an Equal Money system, because with Equal Money, I know for sure that the systems of this world will be redesigned according to what’s best for all, and within that, the proper nourishment for our physical bodies and our physical reality will receive the direction that is greatly required to create Heaven on Earth. Thus, I commit myself to stop who I am as reactions and fear when speaking to my step dad and instead,  I commit myself to walking the self-correction of who I am in self-honesty until I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I commit myself to stop who I’ve become as the sins of the fathers, and mothers, to thus stop existing as a parent with fear which influence and stifles the child where the child will live a life of more fear, to instead apply what I see is common sense in who I am in self-honesty.

I commit myself to realizing that directing myself to speak without reactions and to speak in a stable manner will take practice because I see, realize and understand that I have never known any other way of living, therefore I commit myself to breathing and remaining patient with myself in continuing to write, apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to ensure that I leave no room for excuses to not commit myself to practice changing.

Day 146: Family Unfair

For Context Read: 

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

Investigating myself further after having heard: Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 3 from Eqafe – which I highly recommend hearing the entire ongoing series of – I’ve realized how, in regards to who I become around my step dad, is much more than just the ‘character of defeat’. When in fact it’s multiple different personalities and characters that I take on and become through and as fear.  Thus, as I take on the points I will be continuing here with self-forgiveness and statements of self-commitment.

Self-forgiveness
Fear Dimension cont.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mind utilize fear as control where within my mind physical reality I manipulated myself in believing that I was treated unfair, rejected within my family, how when I realized that I cannot control who my step dad is in relationship to how I want him to ‘feel’ and ‘act’ towards me, then within and as my mind I become fearful, thus, I utilize anger, negativity, comparison and or justifications as the ways and means that I accept and allow myself to further manipulate myself where I remain in fear of and thus submit myself to self-abuse according to how and what he lives as and believes in, thus, I exist the same in which I remain stuck within the point, which I see, realize and understand isn’t real, yet in fear of not being what I perceive he wants me to be, I never actually walk the point of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain preconditioned and preprogrammed through fear according to my mind perception of losing control.

Thought and Imagination Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought as an image/picture to automatically come up within my conscious mind of/as me when I was a child, in how as I was sitting and looking out my bedroom window, I would accept and allow one thought/image/picture to come forth from within me automatically over and over within a desire to be ‘the special one’ of my step dad’s children, and how I defined my relationship to myself according to how I used that single thought/image/picture to make myself feel special and loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed one thought/image/picture to completely become me where I completely ignored who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind imagine that I am walking tall through my house feeling comfortable and stable when in reality I was physically curled up like a ball in my bed in feelings of loneliness.

I forgive myself for not realizing how I accepted and allowed myself to through fear utilize hope in seeing/believing that my step dad was a God in the sense that I idolized the idea of him while I blamed him for every fear I held within me when in fact he was not to blame for it was only me that I have always feared facing.

Backchat and Reaction Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I held myself in polarity within my mind physical body in spite as backchat towards my step dad of: “he’s so mean” yet within me I secretly desired to be the single point of his affection because I believed that receiving that would somehow validate me as a daughter.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I manifested experiences of myself as feeling ashamed of myself through repeating negative and/or positive thought patterns over and over within and as my mind in how I told myself that I shouldn’t ‘feel’ rejected when I didn’t receive his attention and then ‘feeling’ over stimulated when I did, and within that not realizing that for every positive outcome there will be a negative, thus always existing in polarity.

PHYSICAL Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure in the upper to middle area of my back when I resist and suppress voicing me in self-honesty, where within the perception of and as who I am as my quantum mind, I fear loss of control, thus physically feel as if I’m sitting in a pressure cooker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my face and ears to become flushed with heat within the discharge of a massive amount of energy due to inner conflict/friction that has through time built up through and as a personality that I accept and allow myself to be and become in fear of standing in self-honesty in the face of my step dad.

CONSEQUENCE Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of accepting and allowing myself to not stand in self-honesty where I then feel guilt and condemnation towards myself because I realize how I allowed fear in abdicating myself from life as myself, thus continuing to support our abusive world/money systems.

to be continued