Tag Archive | Cathy’s Journey to Life

Day 300: The War Within Lies

Sometimes, I can’t believe this is how my story goes. Meaning the way my life is at the moment with where I am as I continue to get well from cancer. Within that realization my mind is like on mourning mode and sometimes I get lost in it… Then, last night I dreamed I was at war and I realized how my war within lies.

war within
There is and has been for awhile in my life, a war going on within and as me. This war I started against myself when I was in my early teens. Pain seems to intensify my fears and so the war within me seemed to grow. So it’s strange but things got worse for me when the first of July of this year I added another intense alternative treatment therapy.

The particular treatment I will speak more about when I’m able to – caused my physical body to take quite a hit, and unfortunately, in fear, I lost sight of the struggle my body was going through because all I could think to do in that fear was to keep pushing myself to do whatever I had to do,,, for however long I had to do it, so long as I get myself well from the cancer.

The treatment brought with it consequence of physical / muscle deterioration and extreme physical pain, and, in my lack of awareness, I began taking more and more prescribed pain meds and muscle relaxants , as well as alternative methods in my quest to relieve the pain.

Everything I was doing, it became to much for my physical body. Both my kidneys and my liver began to show symptoms of trouble – trouble from all the methods I’d chosen to help relieve my pain. I had no choice. I had to get off of everything and so a month ago, I did. I stopped taking all the prescription pain meds and muscle relaxants and ibuprofen. I also stopped all alternative methods I’d been using for pain as well.

Now I use nutrition/foods/juice / Omega 3’s and herbal remedies only to reduce the inflammation. I also drink teas with hibiscus, passion flower, lemon balm, just to name a few of the many wonderful herbs and seasoning I use, like tumeric and even capsicum/cayenne pepper.

I also stopped the intense alternative treatment method that I started 5 months ago. And with the assistance of some private interviews / tools that I was fortunate to receive through Eqafe, I’ve been able to easily stop the pain meds with very few side affects and have become effective in breathing through the fear when the pain comes and have been also been successful in my practice of directing myself to change who I am within the fear so as to forever release who I accepted and allowed myself to be within the fear to where I am able to redefine in awareness who I am within and as my physical body when the pain come.

It’s interesting, because I’ve been experiencing less pain as I’ve become more aware of who I’ve been within my accepted belief of myself as my mind to one where I’m understanding that those beliefs about myself no longer ring true to who I am directing myself to be and become as my physical body/ mind and being. Within this forgiving myself comes and that is for sure something one can become successful in doing, forgiving oneself.

My Eqafe personal interviews have also assisted me in becoming aware of how in my pain/fear over the course of 5 months, I created some automated pain patterns. Yeah.. But then after coming off all those pain meds, I’ve also been able to develop an awareness of how often my mind will tell me the movement that I’m about to do – like getting up to go to the bathroom for example – is going to hurt like hell, when in fact, when/as I stop the thoughts/fears, and focus on my breathing while I make the move, it actually doesn’t hurt at all. Sounds crazy I know,  and it is crazy,  how easy we can create patterns.  Therefore, it’s best we learn how to create the patterns that will assist us to live our utmost potential and thus begin to be able to assist in creating a world where All Life can live their utmost potential.

Within the automated patterns, I’ve also created pictures of myself within my mind.  and these patterns I continue to investigate and are part of the war within my dream last night. I will be sharing more on this in blogs to come.

At the moment, I am here, focusing on substantiating my physical body. Beginning with committing myself to make sure that every single day I give my body what it requires nutritionally to repair and recover and heal.

I commit myself to walk in breath and awareness as I consistently nourish my physical body to the best of my ability, and to redefine and become a living expression of the word relax within and as my physical body as I continue to walk my story, my Journey to Life.

Day 297: Moving beyond the two-year mark – Day 5: Test results are in, what’s next?

what's next

In this podcast I share the results from my recent hcg test.  This test being the base-line I use to gauge the effectiveness of the alternative treatment plans that I’ve been walking for 2 years for Breast Cancer.

I also share the role that Desteni I Process continues to have upon my overall success during this process with regards to being able to stop myself from fearing how my thoughts were generating emotional fear energy experiences,   as well as what my plans are moving forward.

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

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Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

IV vitamin C therapy: A cancer perspective

Day 296: May we Not find ourselves waiting – Day 4: What keeps You waiting?

waiting

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“Waiting is implied self judgment and will cause inaction and regret.” Bernard Poolman

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For Further Context:

Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

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My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 295: That’ll Never Happen to Me! – Day 3: Ever had that Line of Thought?

denial

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For Further Context: Day 292: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – How to Stop Emotional Fear Energy – Day 44

Day 293: Wait, you can’t enjoy that, you have Cancer! – Day 1: What’s Stopping You?

Day 294: You Can have your Apple and Eat the Seeds too! – Day 2: How Rational is your Fear?

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My Links For Self-Support:

EQAFE

Desteni I Process

Self & Living

One Answer to Cancer

Day 211: Processing…

For Context Read: Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

So in a couple of days, I will be having a biopsy taken from an area where I found a lump in my breast. And, so I realize that I really need to investigate and share in writing what’s been going on within me, to document how my mind has been ‘processing’ the new information/ situation that I’m currently walking.,,,

,,,I’m going to stop right here for a moment to ‘acKnowledge’ and Stop the reaction I became aware of as I finished writing that paragraph. The reaction was to immediately stop sharing what I was writing.  I’m familiar with this pattern, and I am committed to continue sharing this point and Direct myself from Reactive Responses to Self RESPONSE-ability.

 Please hear: From Reactive Responses to Self RESPONSE-ability – Part Three: DAY 334 for further Clarity and Specificity.

Continuing,,, So, because of the future ‘biopsy’ I have scheduled – which my mind is using as the reason for how I’ve been experiencing myself – I’m investigating this point of fear, which I’m obviously automatically enslaved to because I’ve seen through my participation and observation how I have defined myself as a reactive response.    It’s like watching myself try and adapt to a new ‘Processing’ System being developed within and as me.

During the day, here’s how it goes, I will access a point where I will through a memory association activate my imagination and within that a specific picture flashes within my mind, where I see myself as kind of floating.monkey on my back

Almost as if I’m waiting on myself. Waiting to catch up to myself meaning to Stop and breathe. The negative feeling experience happens quickly and I experience myself as if I’m being tugged between a negative energy and a  positive energy. A tug-of-war where the tugging initiates waves of FEAR  and then, like a finger pulling the trigger on a loaded gun,,,suddenly,,, Bang!   There I am, Smack dab in a pocket of FEAr.

When that happens, when the trigger has been pulled, I suddenly realize how my physical body is assisting me to remember to STOP participating as I experience a moment of physical weakness which sends a negative energetic charge of doom and gloom throughout my entire physical body, and in that moment, it feels like the MONkEY on my back has just saddled in for a long ride,, until I finally take self-responsibility, I Stop participating, I Breathe.

The Physical Experience where I became weak,  has happened only twice recently, and each time I’ve been able to effectively Stop myself from participating any further. . But I mean,  this is just what I’m aware of,  a reactive response which happens suddenly and unexpectedly and has numerous dimensions – all of which happens in a matter of seconds. Consciousness as our Mind is a MASSive preprogrammed system of reactive responses to self-responsibility instead of the ability to respond instead of reacting.

Thus I’ve been sitting with the fear so to speak, and investigating the common sense answers to my own questions…

When did I begin to accept this particular physical manifested consequense? ( I will share ‘when’ in a future post)

Will the biopsy result be a death sentence?

Will I be here this time next year?

What exactly is it that I really fear?

Do I fear losing my breath? As in taking my last breath… Is the IMage of myself taking my last breath the exact point of participation that is fueling my fear? Because obviously I have no Real idea what it’s  like to take one’s last breath…

I have a memory associated with the fear of not being able to breathe. I once swallowed a couple of aspirins, which dissolved so fast that they somehow went into my windpipe which caused me to not be able to breathe, so my partner had to perform CPR. It took 3 times of chest compressions and I was turning purple when finally, I was able to breathe again…

Continuing…I’m realizing how what I fear is based upon negative and positive energetic experiences within and as Memories and according to what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be through and as them in how I’ve accumulated myself through and as Thoughts/Pictures/Imagination/Backchat/Reactions and,  What are the  Consequences of how I’ve manifested them as here within and as my Physical Body???
processing
As I continue to investigate, I realize  that ‘ve been lying to myself – that what I actually fear is how I have defined myself and sentenced myself to exist as within the same fear that  ‘I thought’ I saw within the eyes of my mother just days before she became deathly ill and died.

I believed I witnessed the exact moment when she gave up on herself, her Life.

What I didn’t realize then that I am realizing now,  is that what I was seeing within her, was a reflection of my own fear  of giving up.

Actually, I was giving myself a glimpse of my own fear of mortality, which is actually fear of taking self-responsibility for myself and for how our entire current world system exists as according to what I’ve accepted and allowed.

For awhile I wanted to give up on myself and any and all parts of this world as myself and I used my mother’s death as a reason to do so…

In doing so, I made many mistakes, including the damage I caused to myself as my Physical Body and the damage to my relationship with my partner – which I valued most and within that how I buried myself beneath self-pity and it’s accepted sorrow… So, again, I am facing the consequences of my decisions and subsequently additionally, facing the fears which were born  when I chose to Not take self-responsibility for myself and our world as myself.

The bottom line here is,  instead of participating in relationship to what automatically comes up within and as my mind, I Commit Myself to Direct myself to develop my self-awareness and move MySelf to Self-Directive Change – rather than the controlled change which I exist as now where I change from Characters and Personalities through my relationships with positive and negative balancing of polarities!  

Day 210: Can Software do your Job?

This is an important question that we all must answer because survival of the fittest is actually survival of the richest.

For context read: How the internet is making us poor

Problem:

We are in a very real situation where technology is splitting the job market into categories, corporations who tell computers what to do, people who are told by computers what to do, and machines that perform routine tasks making workers more productive and others less essential.

Why are we accepting and allowing advanced technology to be used against us by those who have all the money, and in the process reducing our ability to provide for ourselves?

What other species would so ignorantly and selfishly allow such a thing when the advancements in technology can put us on the fast track to living Life as Equals?

Artwork By: Jessica Arias
Grumpy cat and equal money

Solution
What is the solution that will advance Life on Earth to a place where every living being is given the Right of Life? Equal Money.

Reward:
The amazing thing about Equal Money is that it is the Simplest Solution. Equal Money will alter and redesign our current money system – which currently determines whether or not you have ‘earned’ your right to exist here – to one that literally gives the gift of Life to Everyone. Life is Here and is Not about ‘earning’ a right to be here.

Currently, Money is the Tool we use Against each other, instead of allowing it to advance us to become a World where War, Poverty and Hunger is Eliminated Forever. Get it? It’s only a matter of time before your routine Job is replaced with technology and you realize that YOU are being Eliminated! So, Educate Yourself, Investigate and Join Us

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Join the forum:
Desteni

Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

“Amazingly enough – there seems to be some form of ‘Mercy’, because You are Still Here, you Still have Time to Hear. Will you Hear? That’s the whole thing about Freedom of Choice, isn’t it? You are ‘Free to Choose’ – that’s astounding. The very same choice you’re not Willing to Give to Everyone Else on Earth – You Have. If that is not Abuse, that you would not even Exercise it for yourself: it’s because you’re Not Exercising it for yourself that you are Not Willing to give it to Everyone else. You see Why Freedom of Choice doesn’t exist? You are the Reason why.
Are you That Weak, that All you can be is a Bully? Or All you can be is One that can be Influenced by a Bully? That, All you are is Fear and All you can Be is what is Influenced by Fear? Then, that is the Answer of your Life, isn’t it? There is Nothing-else for you…and Suddenly Without Notice: you will No longer be here and Nobody will Notice. In spite of your Feverish attempts to try and leave some memory of yourself in this world of your ‘grandeur’ – it will disappear. This Earth has existed a Very long time and yet, there is only a written history of a few thousand years – ever wondered Why? What happened to Previous Civilizations? Why were they simply Wiped Out? Do you think this isn’t going to happen to this one? That Is How Irrelevant one is that Do Not Honor Life. The Evidence, the Scientific Evidence – is This World.” Bernard Poolman

Day 197: Guns: Problem, Solution and Reward

Art by Rozelle de Lange
EqualChange for Real
For Context Read: Running Out of Weapons

“Obama’s gun control speech this week in which he urged lawmakers to agree to a ban on military-style assault weapons, limits on high-capacity magazines and universal background checks, appears to have only fuelled the upsurge.”

That’s how it is. Scare the hell out of em and they’ll react with feelings and emotions and then they’ll buy, buy, buy!

Fear is the motivator used to boost the economy. The proof is in the skyrocketing sales as people rushed to buy guns in their fear of an imminent gun ban in the wake of the Sandy Hook Massacre where 26 people were shot dead.  How insane is it that the most sought after weapon, according to sellers, is the AR-15-style assault rifle, the same as the one used in the shootings.

The highest rate of gun ownership in the world is in United States, where there are almost as many guns as there are people: around 300 million guns for 311 million people – with the average American gun-owner having four to five firearms.

Problem

The problem with guns is the human because the human has yet to take self-responsibility for the action they take when they pull the trigger and/or give permission for the trigger to be pulled. We act on impulse and fear and, more than not people fire guns without first considering how their action of doing so cannot be undone. When one is making a decision based on feelings and emotions they are unable to consider the consequences. Even when something like Sandy Hook happens, it only sparks more fear and ultimately more people with guns, and we’re not even considering the damage that is ongoing every single day in war torn countries where a multitude of weapons are used.

The problem is that guns are designed for death and destruction and thus All decisions and actions must take place within that realization. Another obvious problem is that we live by the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ principle in which we destroy people and their countries in our quest to conquer, to have it all.  All the while we avoid seeing our own greedy nature as we give permission for and/or pull the trigger and kill even as we’re insisting on stricter weapon laws/gun control.

Solution

The Solution is actually very simple. Instead of living by the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ principle – where we have lived by means of force using guns/weapons to achieve control/profit and gain over others – we begin by investigating and educating ourselves about the human mind with regards to why and how it is that we ‘think’ and feel and behave the way that we do.  In addition, we will through Equal Money Capitalism take all life into consideration and thus the manufacturing process itself will become one that is benefiting of all life – instead of destructing to life.  Suggest one read: Equal Money Capitalism Wiki for further clarity

Reward

We’ll become a living example of the message of Jesus, “Give as you would like to Receive” and, “Do unto Another as you would Like to be Done Unto you”. As a result we will eventually reach a point where war and suffering will cease, and Life will become a Living Experience of Fulfillment and Happiness within a Quality of Living according to what’s Best for All.

We have a responsibility to all living beings, one that we’ve yet to see, realize, understand and be accountable for, thus, until we each become a living example of what it is to walk as life according to what’s best for all, until then, the solution is to do away with All guns/weapons and war.
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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Join the forum:
Desteni

Investigate Equal Money

Day 196: Moving Through

The subject of money, or rather the lack thereof came up tonight when my daughter and her partner asked if we could help them out with giving them some gas money so they can get to work. As we continued to discuss the point, I became increasingly aware of the FAMILIar and dull pain located within my upper back between my shoulder blades. The pain, which had remained silent for most of the day, began to slowly radiate in a straight line through and into my chest area. Before, when my daughter has asked me for money I reacted and so this is a point I’m aware of and have been applying self-forgiveness for. It’s very interesting when the pain starts, because it’s like my physical body is giving me an alert to assist myself to focus on my breathing.

Continuing here further with self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements to thus move myself through this point in self-corrective application.
moving through
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of anxiety and dread where I fear that when my daughter asks me for money that I will react in irritation and ultimately regret and within this, I see, realize and understand that my reaction is coming from a pattern as a memory/construct within my mind according to how our relationship used to be, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a memory/construct/habit that is actually only real because I keep accepting, allowing and thus making it real.

I commit myself to stop this pattern of my mind that I have given permission for.

I commit myself to releasing the control I have given myself permission for within my mind with regards to how I have accepted and allowed the idea and the mere mention of money to seize and control me through fear,  because I see, realize and understand that when I focus on breathing and remain in awareness of who I am in self-honesty then I am able to stand stable and move myself and make decisions according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand who I am capable of becoming free from the impulse within my mind to over react to the subject of money, to direct myself to change the nature of who I’ve been within the fear of my mind being in control of me, and to instead see, realize and understand that I Decide who I am, and I Choose to Stand Stable, Equal to and one in an agreement to change the inner me to one that will ultimately manifest my outer world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to move this point through in self-corrective application according to living as an example of how relationships can be transformed into and as agreements through self directing self walking according to what’s best for all.

For Relationship and Self-Support: DIP Lite
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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Join the forum:
Desteni

Investigate Equal Money

Day 195: See The Blind Spot

equalmoney capitalsim
I just finished watching the documentary “Blind Spot” which illustrates clearly the current oil and energy crisis we are facing within our world. This stuff, it should  be broadcast over and over on every television station until we freakin get it because seriously, we’re in deep shit trouble.  The documentary is very educational and it sums up the unbelievable amount of ignorance and greed that we as a humanity exist as as we continue to burn fossil fuels – which are sucking the life out of our planet earth – while we continue to consume our way to oblivion.

I mean, I get it. I get how we become so consumed in our race to survive that we actually tell ourselves that everything is going to be okay when clearly it isn’t. I see now how absurd the things I believed in were according to the ideas and opinions I’ve existed as according to my mind, and it’s downright disgraceful how I’ve taken the gifts given for Everyone from our Physical Reality for granted.

We are going to have to begin to understand who we are as our mind.  Like how and why we think and feel and react in repeating patterns over and over so we can stop who we’ve become and see who we can be through self-forgiveness and self-honesty.

I’ve lived in America my entire life. I come from a middle class family where electricity comes with the convenience of flipping a switch and a seemingly clean glass of water to drink, is a given – well, that is if one has money to pay for them.

I never questioned how the things I always ‘believed’ was ‘my right’ to have – such as water and heat and lights –  I never questioned what would I do if that which I’ve taken for granted were suddenly no longer here to be had?  I never questioned the amount of work/money that was involved in order for me to have water and heat/electricity, nor did I ever question how much money my parents paid every month to huge corporations just so we could have them.

I certainly never questioned or considered the thousands, no millions of people who don’t have either electricity, heat or clean water simply because they aren’t able to pay for it.

I never had a clue as to how our world/money system currently, actually function.

It doesn’t make sense how the every day things that we each one require to survive  – like food and water and heat and electricity/energy – how these life essentials are not even talked about amongst parents and children.  And children certainly aren’t educated or given a solution that will ensure that Life itself will always be able to sustain itself.  Why is that not a top priority?

I’ve lived my life as an energetic fiend. Always taking from what is here instead of giving and assisting in maintaining and supporting life here according to what’s best for all.  The first time I actually began to seriously question my reality, my world, was just over 5 years ago when I first began to hear and read the massive amounts of material offered through Desteni.

It was their message that encouraged me to educate myself as to how our world/money system functions and to investigate the part that self plays within it all and to stand up and take self-responsibility for our world.

I admit that it has not been easy to look in the mirror, to investigate what I’ve accepted and allowed to exist within our world,  but I can also say for a fact that it was way harder to remain stuck in my mind of make beLIEf than it’s been to face, forgive and begin to assist myself to be able to assist in bringing about a world that is best for all.

I seriously challenge anyone reading this to do the same.

See The Blind Spot  and Investigate Equal Money

Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Join the forum:
Desteni

The FREE online course where you learn Essential Life Skills!
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Day 194: Ask and Ye Shall Receive Meant Give to Take

ask and ye shall receive
When I used to refer to myself as a ‘Christian’, my idea of ‘ask and ye shall receive’ was actually one of ‘give to take’. So basically, I’ve never given of myself in any way that I wasn’t first taking from, because I’ve always been looking to replace a negative energy experience of myself within my mind with a positive one, and this, I’ve played out within every aspect of my life. And in doing so, I’ve wrecked havoc upon, within and as my physical body.

I also see that I’ve always reaped what I have sown. Meaning, there have always been a consequence for my actions because my actions have always been on the take – even when I convinced myself within my mind that I was existing within a giving nature, I wasn’t, I was only ever taking because I never gave anything without expecting something in return.

When I gave, whether it was from an emotional need or a feeling I called ‘Love’, it has always been similar to making a cash deposit and expecting to receive interest in return for it. Self has been my only interest and it’s an interest of conditions.

I’ve no real idea what it is to actually give unconditionally much less live unconditionally. My entire life has been preprogrammed energetic conditioning. I’ve loved with conditions. I’ve given with conditions. I’ve learned with conditions. I’ve cried with conditions and I’ve hated with conditions. Therefore, I’ve never known who I am as an expression of ‘giving as one would like to receive’ because I’ve never known what it is to be free from some sort of conditioning, thus, I’ve never known what it is to actually be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief myself to be a ‘Christian’, where I beLIEved and lived the meaning of ‘Ask and ye shall receive’ as one of ‘give to take’ – where I always tried to replace a negative energy experience of myself with a positive one because within my mind I’ve constantly feared facing what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, thus instead of facing myself,  I’ chose to preoccupy, distract and/or entertain myself as my mind and in doing so have wrecked havoc upon, within and as my physical body.

I re-commit myself to investigate and educate myself as to how, why and who I am as my Mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, to thus, forgive that which I’ve accepted and allowed and begin to walk and support who I am as my Physical Body to be able to support our Physical Reality according to what’s best for All.

The FREE online course where you learn Essential Life Skills: Understand Yourself –> Desteni Lite