Archive | December 2013

Day 261: Who are we: The hunted? The hunter? Or both?

I’ve never shot an animal, at least not in this life and not that I know of.  For that matter I’ve only ever shot a gun once, and I quickly realized I wasn’t fond of it anyway. So basically, I have no experience when it comes to guns nor what it really takes to shoot to kill an animal.

Artist: Andrew Gable
paranoia
Winter is here and hunting season is upon us, and though I understand that many hunt in order to feed their families, it’s still difficult for me to comprehend what it would be like to be the animal who is sacrificed for food. Many who hunt say there is a ‘humane’ way to hunt so that when they shoot they aim to kill so as to not create suffering for the animal, and I do get that, at this point, our physical body requires some form of protein. I’m not a vegetarian so it’s not that I’m against eating meat.

Still, it would have to be an extreme emergency situation before I would actually shoot at and/or shoot to kill an animal. I’m not trying to imply that I am in some way a better person than those who are able to easily pick up that gun and shoot, it’s just that the ‘idea’ of taking another’s life kind of scares the hell out of me because, I mean, that’s quite a point of responsibility to take on. Taking responsibility for being the reason for another living being whose taking their last breath here on earth seems relevant, if only we were inclined to consider the consequences of our actions.

I can’t help but want to ask those who shoot and/or kill animals for sport, or spite, to put themselves in the footsteps of the animals they’re hunting, to consider what it would be like to be the hunted. It’s really odd, how easily it is for us to accept and allow the killing of others – whether it be the animal or the human and whether the killing be by way of war or starvation or simply because it’s ‘hunting season’. It’s often easy to accept the death of a stray animal, or even the death of someone we don’t personally know, especially considering how we as the human are terrified of dying.

Could it be that it’s our obsessive fear of our own death that causes us to so casually accept and allow and even believe that we have the right to decide and/or take life from another living being?

So, as I look closer at this point, I see my own fear of death, and today, I’m very aware of the movement/reaction deep in my solar plexus. This particular emotional energy was stirring within me with regards to the disappearance of our dog Remmy.
The remster
We’ve had Remmy since the moment he was born, just over 5 years ago, and when he was less than a year old, he and two of our other dogs came down with the Parvovirus. The Parvovirus is a particularly deadly disease among young puppies and about 80% fatal. It causes gastrointestinal tract damage and dehydration and can cause cardiac syndrome in very young pups.

My partner spent an entire week that particular year forcing a homemade hydrating fluid 3 times a day into the throats of Remmy, his brother Kelley and their buddy Veno. Remmy was the only one of the three that survived. Remmy was right by my partners side as he buried both of them here on our land. I specifically remember the evening he buried Veno.  Pouring rain, lightening and thunder filled the sky and I watched in tears as my partner stood in the rain and dug a hole big enough to bury a 125 pound dog.

Remmy was the one who guarded our little miniature pinscher the day she was outside alone and bled to death from a hawk who attacked her and severed an artery in her neck. Remmy was there when our dog Buddha got hit by a car speeding down our isolated country road, and he was the one who nestled close to our dog Baby – an adopted stray we came to adore – whose pelvis was crushed when she was backed over by our own car, because we didn’t know that she had fallen asleep under it, and didn’t wake up to move when we were backing out of the driveway…

Remmy survived one cold winter when he was 2 years old and attacked by 2 other dogs and Remmy was the one who came home alone without his mother after the two of them had taken off on one of their many adventures together.

Remmy is the daddy to 3 of the 4 other male dogs we now have, and it’s not unusual for all of them to go off running and be gone for a couple of days, however, this time the boys came home alone, Remmy wasn’t with them. So, here it was just days before the holiday we call Thanksgiving and all I could think of is it’s been 12 days and no sign of Remmy. Remmy and the boys are our outside dogs and that’s the way they like it, and God did I miss seeing his face with those beautiful brown eyes of his.

So, Thanksgiving day this year, in our part of the world, felt like the first day of spring and my partner and I were outside enjoying some fresh air when Remmy appears at the gate to the back yard. My partner was first to see Remmy and he came and said to me; Remmy is home but by the looks of him, he should be dead. When I saw Remmy later and looked in his eyes he looked like he was still in shock and it was difficult to comprehend how the little guy had managed to make it home.

My partner said his wound is very horrific and began to get together the necessary things to try and assist him. He said he could literally put his fist into the wound and touch his rib cage and so we knew that Remmy might not make it. It was a holiday and very few Veteranian clinics are open, so my partner was able to stabilize Remmy’s wound and first thing the next morning we called and took Remmy to the Doctor knowing full well that the jagged wound might not be able to be mended…

The Doc said he was pretty sure he could stitch up the wound and so he did and we were able to bring Remmy home later that evening and maybe, just maybe, Remmy would be alright. We made Remmy a bed inside while he heals and slowly the traumatized look in his eyes is going away.
remmyboy
Yes, Remmy is a survivor, but what in the world happened to him? At first glance it looked like his injury was caused from another animal but the Doc said that wasn’t so. He said maybe he had been hit by a car or stuck in a fence or hit by some kind of farm equipment, but the jagged tears in his flesh/skin was still a mystery.

Days passed before my partner noticed a small hole in Remmy just inches from the massive tear and then we knew… Remmy had been shot. The bullet went in and then exploded, tearing and shattering the surrounding tissue. Realizing what Remmy has been through is when I began to experience an energy of anger within me and I remembered something my neighbor said to us some 2 years ago. He said, keep your dog off my property or I’m gonna roll ’em – meaning, he’s going to shoot him. Trying to keep Remmy in the yard is difficult to say the least, because Remmy is an expert escape artist and, who can blame him, he loves to be able to run and play.

So for now, we are grateful that Remmy is healing very well. He still has another week before his 30 or so stitches can be removed and I see several points of fear within me to forgive and walk through as Remmy continues to teach us to let fear go and enjoy life.

And this brings me back to the question: Who are we: The hunted? The hunter? Or both? I can see how I’ve been both. Maybe not literally but I’ve hunted for ways in my mind to ‘get even’ with someone for something I perceived as an unfair act done against me. I’ve stood by quietly and watched as the Government of my Country, the United States, chooses war over Life – for profit – and so that makes me the hunter as well.

I have to ask myself…What if a solution existed that will stop the crimes of and against humanity and the animal kingdom? What if a whole new way of being is possible? What if Remmy and all who have suffered in the game of survival could be assured that life will be simpler, safer and supporting? If only…

Consider the solution that’ll be the new beginning for us All…

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Day 260: Mother/Child Relationship Commitment

For Context Please Read:

Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to something and/or someone within an illusion in my mind where I have believed that the nature of abuse within the relationship will forever remain, I stop. Instead I breathe, I see, realize and understand that my mind fears losing the relationship because I have formed a pattern of and as it through my acceptance, when in reality, I am aware that I AM able to change the nature of who I am as the abuse to one that honors All Life unconditionally, equally as one.

I commit myself to stop participating when I see myself wanting to hold on to the specific mother/daughter connection/relationship that I have with my daughter/children in order to solidify who I’ve been within and as superiority because I see, realize and understand that the power of control I’ve demanded over my children has only created a restraint upon their self expression as well as my own. I commit myself to Stop.

I commit myself to direct myself to stop who I am as anger and spite because I see, realize and understand that to remain acting as such is a total disregard for life itself and I realize that I’m not actually angry at anyone or anything but myself, that I’m actually angry and spiteful within for how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become in my mind in total disregard for who I am as my physical body and for the consequences that doing so creates within and as my world/physical body and reality.

I commit myself to Stop reacting in cycles of abusive patterns of reaction to/towards my daughter/children because I see, realize and understand that I am aware of when the anger rises from within my solar plexus and I understand that I have that moment in breath where I can direct myself to change the very nature of the relationship to one that is supportive, giving and celebratory.

I commit myself to stop my personal self interest and to stop myself from going into a traumatized state of mind when I see that my relationship with someone is changing and instead I commit myself to investigate and practice introspecting with regards to what it is that I have learned from the relationship and how has the relationship enriched my mind, myself and my life and living.
EqualifeI commit myself to slowing down, to breathe, and to in self honesty really look at the relationships within my life and actually learn from them and through learning from them change my living and my behavior.

I commit myself to opening up a connection with my daughter/children to see, realize and understand that it’s opening up within me a particular part of me or a particular expression, or a particular characteristic that I had not yet recognized inside myself that I have accessed through the relationship and I commit myself to allow myself to see the unique expression that each relationship I have with another is a gift for me to recognize about myself.

I commit myself to investigate what is my daughter/my child showing of me that I haven’t recognized or lived within myself and what is it of me that I am accessing in relationship with them and in that to see the gift they are giving.

Therefore, I commit myself to stop the mind relationship where I attach another into my mind and make them a part of an energetic episode of spite and anger, to thus stop my fear of things changing and/or stopping the projection of things changing, and to instead live in the moment, to see what I can learn from others from myself everyday and to make the most out of every moment of breath so that together we can focus on changing our world to one where All abuse and suffering such as poverty can be stopped, because in seeing ourselves in another we will learn/accept the gift of giving as we’d like to receive.

I commit myself to be more directive in my life with regards to the relationships within my life, to become more intimate and grateful for the gifts that the connections these relationships have afforded me throughout my life.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Parents are not Instructed how to Instruct Children and are thus Not Qualified to be Instructors and are thus Destructors that will even Defend their Right to Destroy their Children in spite of the Fact that if one’s not Trained in Effective Direct Instruction, one is in fact Not Qualified to have Children under one’s Supervision and would Never Employ someone Unqualified to do a Job – yet the most Important Job on Earth, which is to Instruct Newborn Children, is allowed to be Instructed by Unqualified, Inadequate Trainers – resulting in a World where No One is in fact Ever Qualified or Instructed to be part of a Society that is Best for All Present on Earth; and Although lip service is paid to Ideals like ‘Love thy Neighbor as Thyself’ it is Never Actualized as the Parent as New Life Unqualified Instruction Never Learned the Practical Implication where ‘Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself’ actually Exists.

I commit myself to SHOW that All Education and Intellect on Earth is Based on the Foundation of Ignorance to Disregard the fact that the Initial Instructions of a New Born Child were Inadequate and thus at Root Cause for a World and Society that live in Ways that Do Not Honor Life or Each other, but only Honor Survival as Successful Living.

I commit myself to SHOW that No One can Walk the Path of Self Correction as What is Best for All Life without Instructions, as the Way to Life is Not In the Inner Structure of the Human, and thus the Desteni-I-Process is of Essential Importance if One is Ready to Face the Nature of a World of Ignorance.” Bernard Poolman

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How to Successfully Commit to the Relationship

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Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

For Context Please Read: Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and not want to let things go within the nature of abuse existent in and as those I have formed relationships with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to something and/or someone within my mind within an illusion where I believe the nature of the relationship will forever remain as the illusion I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the specific connection with my daughter in order to solidify who I am within and as superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let go of who I become in superiority in the presence of my daughter in/as anger and spite that a part of me will die even though I existed even before the connection between us was there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and create the illusion that who I am as anger and spite will never change.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

letting go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the relationship I have with my daughter for fear that if I let go and change the nature of our relationship that then I won’t have a relationship with her at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how my relationship is with my daughter is how the relationship will always be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and cycle within the same abusive patterns toward my daughter over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the relationship I have with my daughter to how I see that other mother/daughter relationships exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up mentally, emotionally and physically to be traumatized when something changes within my world and my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in how I reacted and/or responded to things changing within my relationship to my daughter and/or to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control my daughter and/or another being, another beings mind or their life because in fact I have no idea what they have planned for themselves and their life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the connection I have with my daughter where a long time ago I projected my ideas and beliefs and plans for her life onto her, when really, they were the plans of my mind and have thus been held in self-interest and motivated in feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the drama that I’ve bestowed upon my children while I sought to control them through superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to be grateful and celebratory of my children because of my lack of understanding of the connection between myself and my children within my mind which lead me to go into a point of a personal self interest when the relationship changes instead of investigating how having the relationship has enriched my life and living.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that letting go is stopping the fear of loss and lonelyness and inner struggle.

more to come…

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“Who we are Today as Humanity started at Home, it started in each one’s Personal Life, it started in Your Thoughts and How you made Those Thoughts Physical and How you have Taken that Into your Personal and Interpersonal-Relationships and How you Took that into the Universal Relationship of What is Acceptable in this World.

So: Do Thoughts Create Reality? No, but In a situation where Thought is Not Understood, Can One Create Reality with Thought? Certainly. The Problem is that If one takes the Personal into the Universal you will create the Same Issues You have Within-You in the Bigger System, but it is Not Reality, it is the Illusion because Thought is an Illusion. So: Can Thought Create an Illusion? Yes, certainly, that’s what it Really Does, it Doesn’t Create Reality.

Reality is that there are a Lot of Beings on Earth All Essentially from the Origin of Life with Equal Life within Each One, If one Applies that at the Personal, Interpersonal and Universal Level, you will have a World of Harmony and Peace because one will Care about Another and as much as You would Care about Yourself, You Will Give to Another as You Would Like to Receive Yourself. You would be Balanced Human and You Will Not have an Illusion that Controls Who You Are at a Personal Level, who you are in the Interpersonal Level and Who you Become within the Universal Level.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

My daughter said to me today, she said mom, you’re just ‘Mean’. Her and her partner and my 3 year old granddaughter have been living with us for almost a year and having them here has been quite the challenge for us all but still, to hear her say those words to me wasn’t easy. It really wasn’t surprising to hear because it’s a point that I avoid facing in myself. It’s actually a point of spitefulness and anger and I’m aware that I often exist as such toward her and for that matter toward the world in general. Still, it’s a point I try and cover up, and it’s one I’ve avoided because to realize it about myself is uncomfortable to say the least.

It’s like if I look at it then I’ll have to let it go and I’m afraid of letting go so instead I run away and hide in emotional suppression and in the past I’ve used various addictions/behaviors and/or I’ve become so good at distracting myself that I’ve never given myself the opportunity to see this point through to release it. It’s strange to realize that something so self deMeaning is actually something I fear letting go of.

no more

So it’s time that I ask myself what am I running away from? And why am I accepting the illusion of fear that whoever I’ve become I cannot change?The fact is, a long time ago when I was very young, it was like everything got heavy inside and out, and I began to turn to my thoughts and the imagination of my mind for comfort and to make decisions for me, to decide who I was to become. In doing so I suppressed myself into and as my mind and I became very angry at myself and spiteful for doing so. I quickly learned to direct that anger and spite onto the people in my life and I even created addictions to drugs such as weed and ultimately manifested the polarity of running away and not doing anything but kept myself in the illusion of “just being” when in actuality, I only sunk deeper and deeper into and as my mind in anger and spite.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

It’s an interesting point to come face to face with because the closer I look I realize that it is this very point that has kept me from facing my fear of dying that my having cancer has brought with it. I realize now that I can let go of the anger and spite and face my fear of death only as I first forgive myself and release that which I’ve already lived as. Because how can we ever fully overcome our fear of death if we’ve not yet understood the ‘Meaning’ and the Purpose of Life and the only way to do that is to first in self-honesty, go within to the beginning and face who and what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become… This will require patience and no more waiting.

More to come.

“Patience is a stand within and as oneself where one knows when one has to step back, wait and when one has to act. Patience is to know when to let something / someone go for a moment / a while and when to hold on. Patience is a stand within and as oneself, where – despite not knowing what the outcomes may be: one continue walking / standing here…” ~Sunette Spies, Practical Desteni