Tag Archive | breathe

Day 285: Letting go of holding on to what used to be

Today I stumbled upon the picture of a couple celebrating 40 years of marriage. Now, I knew them when they were a newly married couple and very much a part of my life, some 40 years ago. I was 18, newly married with a baby boy who was less than a year old when I first met them. My then husband and I met them through a new church we were trying out at the time. Him and I would go on to spend some 7 years of our life hanging out with the them and some other couple’s – all of us were part of a young couple’s group that at the time was growing rapidly with many babies on the way.

what used to be

So I haven’t seen or even heard anything about this couple for at least 30 years, which is around the time that my first marriage ended and I just never saw them again. My ex got custody of our church friends and the church, so seeing the picture of the two of them together celebrating 40 years of marriage triggered a memory of my life with them in it and what I noticed upon seeing it was how within me. I felt a sort of odd comforting energetic sadness.

The oddly familiar emotion / energy is the same as I’ve been aware of going on within me for awhile now. So with the thing coming up again I realize that here’s another opportunity to fall for it or face it straight on and not participate in the energy of the thing. Instead I focus on breathing and continue on without the energy but remaining aware of how within the memory is this sadness / emotion within the idea and self-judgments and fear of loss I have towards myself within my mind in seeing myself growing old..

The topic of growing old and all that it entails has been a familiar topic as of late within the group that my partner and I are apart of, and I highly recommend one watch the Senior Live Google Hangouts for awesome support for topics regarding growing older.

Ok so what I realized when I saw the picture of them looking 40 years older was a moment where within me, I missed me, the me I was when I was with them way back then. For a moment I saw who I was in the memory and I wanted to take in the energy as comfort as if it were real. Instead, I was able to Stop, to breathe and remain aware of myself as I investigated the memory and directed myself to not allow myself to be taken over by it and I realized how growing old feels like the death of ourself, like grieving for ourself.

And I mean, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the face of myself when I was 20, or 30 or even 40! And the thing about growing old is that no one prepares us for it. Sure no one wants to die, but no one really wants to start looking old either. Oh sure people joke about it or even lie and say they enjoy being older… But, ask most people who are over 55 and they’ll tell you that one of the hardest things about getting older is that it’s like you become invisible to others. It’s like people don’t really look at older folks, and anyone who is used to getting attention / energy – based on how they look for example – for them, growing old may mean the beginning of depression and / or feelings of isolation.

Both depression and isolating myself from others is something that I’ve written much self-forgiveness for and yet the point of growing old and how that feels within myself, is one I continue to investigate with the tools I’ve come to learn through Desteni I Process Pro . Together with those tools, and having cancer, I have the opportunity to physically reverse some of the damage that I’ve caused to my physical body through how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be through and as my mind.

I see, realize and understand that, specifically with forgiving myself and letting go of holding on to what used to be. I see how within what feels like grief or sadness is actually a reaction of energy within the ‘fear of loss‘ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct. Seeing that,, I had to ask myself what holding onto things within myself within the construct of ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ – how is being that construct, controlling and influencing my physical body..?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my physical body to be in a constant state of fear that something may or might be lost and within that, I forgive myself for the adrenaline that comes up within my physical body as stress within the fear of ‘I must be ready’, for if and when something goes wrong that would cause me to lose control or cause me to lose my relationship to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words, ‘you can’t control it’ within the ‘fear of loss’ and ‘fear of letting go’ construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the relationship between the words; ‘letting go’ and ‘control’ – where I’ve created an illusion that if I don’t control something or someone I will lose it/them and/or I will lose the context of myself in relation to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how that control and fear of loss relationship that the emotional energy creates is a physical tension within and as my physical body and how that physical tension imposes stress within and on the physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with regards to how I react to the idea of letting go of fear of loss becomes similar to the grieving process because it’s who and how I’ve always existed as, thus, participation in any memory / thoughts of growing old and/or grief / sadness of who I used to be is simply because I’ve not yet walked a physical application where I do NOT react when fear of loss and letting go are triggered and / or when thoughts come up within emotions of sadness / grief, therefore, I commit myself to when and as I react in fear of loss and/or fear of letting go in relations to someone or something within my life I stop, I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness in the moment and let go and release, to move myself and Direct myself to Stand within the Decision to let it go.

I commit myself to when and as I see a memory come up – where my mind begs me to remember what so and so did and said, and how wonderful it was in how I believe the memory makes me feel – that this is a red flag for me to know there is more to forgive, thus I commit myself to ask myself what about it do I want to hold onto and what is it about myself within it that I do not want to change – to assist myself to Stand within my Commitment to let go of the fear of loss / the fear of letting go and the feeling of growing old / grief / sadness.

I commit myself to know where I stand with people and things, where I Stop the illusion within my mind of believing that I have to hold onto something or someone and to instead redefine my relationship to it/them according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anything that can be lost, cannot and is Not real.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to continue to Investigate and Forgive myself for my relationship to things and people within the dimensions of control and fear of loss.

 

Day 127: The World Revolves Around Me Character

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the perception of myself within my head region as a mind consciousness system, I exist as one who has been so lacking in self-trust and within the inability to take self-responsibility, that I have lived my life insisting and demanding and crying out for the world to see me, notice me, love me, and above all else, revolve around me and me only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a character of/as my mind have desired the world to revolve around me and within that have become a master manipulator in order to satisfy my minds perception of control through abusing others in order to ensure that those within my world will see me as I desire them to see me as an object of their affection/attention to thus further my desire to control who I am within ‘the world revolves around me character.

I forgive myself for not realizing the extent of my fear when looking within myself to the loss of image when asking myself who will I be and how will I act if I’m not noticed and loved by someone/anyone and how within that I have neglected the necessary adjustments and upkeep of me as my physical body in fear that if I change and/or don’t change certain physical attributes of my physical body that I may then be seen as less desirable and thus my perception of how my world must revolve around me will change and I’ll become a feared version of/as a character of myself as nothing more than the girl interrupted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat within my mind to continue as the words of: ‘I am better than her/him’, so why am I not being seen first’ – where within myself as those words, I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as ego and spite and, when I look closer, I see that I am actually attempting to gain the attention of myself – to hear and see how the loneliness and frustration that I have existed as is the direct result of seeking approval and validation outside of myself which only leads to a simulated version of myself, where I’m never able to reach a point of fulfillment, thus, I see, realize and understand that life is not about being ‘filled up’ with/as more, but is instead about slowing myself down and breathing, to be a living expression that is not revolving, but that stands firm as an equal and one awareness in full commitment to remain standing as support for/as a world according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being patted on the back for a job well done wherein I am praised and honored for supporting those who are less fortunate, and within that, I see, realize and understand that it’s always been about how to ‘make myself feel special’ and/or to make myself look better than others which is just another way of stroking my ego, thus always trying to replace a negative experience of myself with a positive experience and within that remaining in separation from myself and abdicating myself from life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a character of and as my mind to such a degree that I have acted as though the world revolves around me in how I’ve been lost within my mind of/as reactions of getting attention from others, where within my solar plexus it would feel as if there were butterflies as I experienced ‘feeling excited’ for being noticed, and how within that, I failed to consider what others were struggling with as they’ve fought to stay alive within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself for not realizing how when I exist as if the world revolves around me, that what I am really doing is accepting and allowing the worst case scenario to manifest for all life here on earth, because I see, realize and understand how it is through ego, self-interest, hate and greed that we are creating for ourselves a world full of and subject to that which we fear the most as the cancers of life and death.

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the characters which I become in order to fuel and ignite experiences first thought of within my mind as consciousness, how within that I’ve Not noticed the untold stories of abuse that exists within every walk of life here on earth, and how the reasons of my Not noticing the depth of despair being lived within our world is because I’ve only been interested in myself as my mind and how within my self-interest and greed I have forsaken that which matters the most as that which is real as our physical bodies and our physical world/reality/existence.

I commit myself to Stop filling myself up within and as an egotistical and manipultive perception of and as my mind to thus stop accepting and allowing myself as a character thereof to lead me into temptation to become of and as ego to such a degree that I am unable to see who I am as my physical body as that which supports me to remain here within this physical reality.

I commit myself to stop the fear that exists within me to/toward change and to instead face who I am in self-honesty free from fear within an idea of myself as the girl interrupted and according to a character of/as my mind where I have existed within a belief that my world must revolve around me and thus why I have sought self-glorification for nothing more but to fuel my mind as consciousness within a point of ego, self-interest and greed, instead of standing equal and one with and as my mind, and directing myself within and as and according to that which will support a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to stop who I am as ego and to instead walk a self-corrective process of realizing myself here free from energetic charges of and as experiences, to thus then become willing support for a system that will support our world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to investigate what it’s like to walk in the shoes of those who have no home to relax in and no clean water to replenish their physical body and within that I commit myself to show others the extent of the abuse that is experienced daily by thousands who are silently trying to make it through another day.

I commit myself to becoming equal to and one with my mind.

I commit myself to me as my physical body and our physical reality, to investigate and educate for myself how an Equal Money System is the Solution that will provide complete assistance and support in order to sustain Life on/as Heaven on Earth according to what’s best for All.

Day 115: Expect the Unexpected


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within and as a primary/main character of/as a memory of my mind, will expect the unexpected, and as that, I anticipate as I place value within expectations as being good and/or bad and if/when my expectations are not met – I unexpectedly become a sub-character creation from/of and as a memory of/as a character role that I recall my mother existing as – where when her expectations weren’t met she would become of/as a primary/main character of and as anxiety, thus, I see, realize and understand that I have in-fact became the downloaded main/primary characters/personalities within and as the mind of/as my parent/mother’s mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my anxiety is an expectation of having an experience of myself and when my expectation isn’t met, me as my mind goes into a sort of shift which then ripples throughout my entire physical body creating pain in my back and nausea as well as an increase in my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety within and as me as my physical body where in any moment I suddenly feel as if I am going into shut down and where I experience nausea and my breathing will increase as my secret mind suddenly issues warnings of gloom and doom as the character who expects the unexpected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel discomfort within my chest and back area when I experience anxiety within myself from living in anticipation, desire and expectation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I anticipate I manifest expectation and expectation manifests separation from me as my physical body and my physical reality.

I forgive myself that as the character of/as my mind who expects the unexpected, I have accepted and allowed myself to not only expect the unexpected but to actually fear the unexpected.

I forgive myself that as the character of/as my mind who expects the unexpected, I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as not being able to handle the unexpected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest physical pain within my back from existing in fear of the unexpected.

I forgive myself for how I become as the character who expects the unexpected in how I loathe doing/being the same thing day in and day out, yet within that, I have become comfortable in and as the sameness of it all and thus I exist in fear of the unexpected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become the character of expect the unexpected who thrives off of energy and whether it be negative or positive isn’t important because either way the character creation commits me to existing in/as separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach emotional value to experiences of myself that first begin within and as expectations which consist of energetic charges of/as negative and/or positive.

I forgive myself for having expectations of myself where within that I manifest expectations of those around me and when my expectations aren’t met I judge my expression and the expression of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life and myself to others when I don’t meet my own expectations of myself thus, I forgive myself for believing that life has failed me because I see, realize and understand that my perception of failure exist within the design of expectation through comparison and failure is only a perception of/as the mind as consciousness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have something to look forward to where within that I accept and allow myself to exist within and as a character of/as my mind/memories who expects the unexpected.

I commit myself to stop looking forward in anticipation and fear, wherein I project myself into a future of expectation which accumulates myself in and as anxiety which ultimately manifests illness and disease upon me as my physical body.

I commit myself to stop attaching emotions or feelings to experiences where within my expectations I create fear experiences generated first from desire.

I commit myself to stop charging in and as the direction of/as my mind through emotions and feelings in fear, anticipation and expectation and to instead stop and breathe and direct me here within and as the power to decide who I am in self-honesty in/as supporting a world where all experience life in dignity according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to living here as breath, realizing how through accumulating myself here as the directive principle of and as my world I am able to correct that which I’ve been, and create and manifest that which I see, realize and understand can be a constant application of me in and as self-trust within accumulating myself as breath walking here as me in self-honesty in/as self-application.

I commit myself to living free from emotions and feeling and to realize that in and as breath it is possible to become completely aware of who I am as my physical body within and without equal and one with everything and all here

(Please Read Heaven’s Blog: Sub-Character Creation – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 113)

Life on Earth can change in a single Breath


We live in Oklahoma, and are having another interesting night of weather. This is the third night that we’ve had two earthquakes, combined with the rumbling of thunder and lightening. The rain is pouring, the lightening is frequent, there is hale, and all around is reports of 80 mile an hour winds and we’ve lost electricity more than once today.

It’s kind of different in the rumbling sound to distinguish if it’s coming from above, below or both. The rumbling of the earth below my feet and the rumbling of the sky above brings a certain awareness that life on earth can change in a single breath. Maybe that’s the point of it all. To demonstrate the power of responsibility. Yes, for us all to become aware of our self-responsibility to everything and everybody here.

Earth, wind, rain and the fire of lightening coming together equal and one for us to see the nature of what we’re accepting and allowing. To set the record straight, that life on earth will be an equal experience for everybody and, if we won’t get it, there’ll be a shake, rattle and roll until it’s done – an equalizing

It’s not so crazy a notion, when one consider how humans have believed in a heaven, a hell, ufo’s and demons – yet, we’ve not considered what is right in front of our eyes. How we’ve abused the earth, the rivers and oceans, the skys and each other and still we won’t see how we’re destroying ourselves through ego and greed. The things in this world that we accept and allow according to our current capitalistic money system is atrocious. We will watch other living beings die, rather than stand up for each other and allow each a dignified life. It’s worth considering that nature is simply assisting us to become self-honest and self-responsible to and as all life here.

Time to stand as the Solution – Support Equal Money

Whining about how ‘somebody done somebody wrong song’ ends – With Equal Money


‘The Design of the Whiner’ is effective assistance to hear for one to spot one’s fears. Before applying the Desteni Material, ‘whiner’ was how I existed, as I constantly emerged myself in conspiracy and drama. I could spot a whiner a mile away according to how they nagged on about current events through ‘Verbal Diarrhea’ , you know, how we look for excuses and reasons for not doing something. Even when the tools, the support, the assistance and the methods are there in order for us to do that something/action for self. It’s where one doesn’t want to take the action in doing because of ‘fear’.

So I had pretty much given up on this world and everyone in it but, in self-honesty I began to see how I had given up on myself. I bitched about how our world exists with anyone who pretended to listen and never questioned what the real solution for our world is in considering what is best for all.

Applying the tools of Desteni assists one to begin to become aware of and question the fears of self and one begins to see how fear has been the motivating mind patterns of the life of self. It becomes easier to correct one’s talk and begin accumulating the walk of self as life living according to ‘principle’ and to question what principles we are living according to.

According to Wiki: A principle is a law or rule that has to be, or usually is to be followed, or can be desirably followed, or is an inevitable consequence of something, such as the laws observed in nature or the way that a system is constructed. The principles of such a system are understood by its users as the essential characteristics of the system, or reflecting system’s designed purpose, and the effective operation or use of which would be impossible if any one of the principles was to be ignored.

Come on, nothing here is how it has to be. How are world exists according to profit and greed where corporations and money are God, is so because we are dumbed down and we accept and allow it.

There are shit loads of stuff that we refer to as principles, for example: The Principle of Learning, Principle of Causality, Principle of Identity, Principle of Contradiction, Principle of Teaching, Principle of Management, Principle of Organization and of course the Principle of Fear and Money

All of which have distinctive ruling opinions which are enforced through and as the Principle of Money. Money being the ‘scarce’ resource that influence the human ‘fear of survival’. We are controlled and consumed by our experiences which ultimately support the rich to get richer and the rest can remain in hell.

It’s a process of self-honesty we as Destonians are walking and one that requires us to stop, breath, forgive ourself and realize that what is best for self is best for all. The one and only Principle that makes perfect sense and will bring an end to individual ‘fear of survival is the Principle of Equality.

Whining about how,’somebody done somebody wrong song’ ends – With Equal Money… Can you imagine? You, Me, Us, All, Everyone – we will all be able to provide for ourselves a home, food, clean water, transportation, an Education, clean clothes and Healthcare. Hell on Earth will then be over.

Investigate and Support EqualMoney.org

The definition of a moment is…

“What happened to the moment? Does anyone in this world understand the application of the moment, what a moment is – a moment is not able to be defined by anything here in this reality – a moment as who I am. I am the moment. The definition of a moment, is indicated by every breath” – – Osho through the interdimensio­nal portal

Read complete article Here—> Osho – I am the living word in every moment

Redefining Self as Responsibility

Allocation point of self within word ‘responsibility’
The word responsibility has represented emotions of something being demanded of me. A point of abdication and/or lack of trust in self – where I’ve compromised myself by acting as impulsive energies as a way of being ‘socially’ able to provide money for myself within this world. Where every perceived ‘right’ I thought I had I saw was subject to obligation. Where I then felt forced to succomb to becoming what was expected of me in order to ‘get the job done’, to ‘earn a living’ according to our current money systsem.

System definition of the word ‘responsibility’
Dictionary (Visuwords):
“a form of trustworthiness; the trait of being answerable to someone for something”

*an appropriate definition in seeing my allocation point in how I have defined myself according to responsibility

Sounding of the word:
re – ‘sponsibility’ -> re – ‘spontaneity’

Definition of spontaneity is impulsive movement and/or actions

The sound of the word re-sponsibility represents for me how I have existed as and lived responsibility defined according to an accepted impulsive energetic movement of self linked to an allowed definition of self as spontaneity and/or moments of energy seeking approval of self.

I existed within expectations of receiving a ‘reward’ if I am ‘acting’ responsible and where I constructed a system definition – self defined, depended upon and subject to energetic reactions/impulses and/or approval from others through impulsive actions of self as a way of comparing myself to others and/or attempting to be ‘seen’ as being ‘responsible’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as ‘spontaneity’ through practically living within a self-honest expression of myself.

Polarity point of responsibility as self – I Forgive – I Delete

The polarity point within my definition of self as ‘responsibility’, has been according to ‘responsibility’ as being a ‘good thing’. A positive cannot exist without a negative which makes perfect sense. Because, I was never able to sustain myself as ‘responsibility’ because there was no living example of myself as having lived self-trust as me as living and directing myself as being self-accountable and self-responsible for how and what I accept and allow to exist within our world. I survived subject to feelings and emotional whims of myself and others and I accepted and allowed myself to be dependent upon another for emotional and financial support. I adjusted my behavior where I put the responsibility of myself and how I wanted to experience myself in this world onto others. Thus abdicating myself from taking responsibility for how our world exists.

Expectations of ‘feeling good’ was a pre-requisite of being ‘responsible’, which is also an application of knowledge and information and a method of further suppressing myself into ‘feeling’ bad about myself through inferiority/superiority equations of comparison and fear of facing me within how and what I have accepted and allowed through my participation in and as thoughts. feelings and emotionally charged energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within polarity points of good/bad, inferiority/superiority equations of comparison and emotionally charged energy experiences. I stop. I breathe – I delete the pattern of me as I now am aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on and believe that others can give me a purpose and/or reason for how I was accepting and allowing myself to exist here according to a definition of myself through knowledge and information of how a responsible human being is ‘suppose’ to act, if one is being ‘responsible’. I stop. I breathe – I delete the pattern of me as I now am aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to ‘feel good’ in order to believe myself as responsible for how I exist within and as and how I and others experience ourself here. I stop. I breathe – I delete the pattern of me as I now am aware of it.

Redefining self as responsibility

I am aware that I am No longer willing to accept feelings and/or emotions as a point of who I am willing myself to be as responsibility. In self-honesty, I see the practical indications of how I am equally responsible for my how my actions lived in self-interest and dishonesty have allowed our world to exist as it is. I stop. I breathe – I delete the pattern as I am now aware of it. I walk self-corrective application of me in self-honesty as self-responsibility to and as all as one as equal.

I redefine responsibility as self-responsibility as an expression of me as the moment as the breath within and as the certainty of self trust and self honesty as all as one as equal as who I am.

I empower myself in seeing that I am willing and able to stand up within self-responsibility and apply myself as responsible in every life circumstance according to the principle of breath within and as the principle of equality.

I stop what I have accepted and allowed within myself according to a defined experience of myself and others experiences of themselves within this world. I direct me as this world as all as one as equal.

I breathe, I accept myself as responsibility so that the manifested expression of who we are as self-honesty as all as one as equal may step forth as the experience of ourselves here.

I am here, I accept myself as responsibility to stop the mind, to live and apply myself through practical self-corrective application in realizing that each one is responsible for how our world exists through our participation in and as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions according to what we have accepted and allowed ourself to be. I do not accept nor allow myself or anyone else as anything less than who we are, as all as one as equal.

I stand as the re-definition of myself as self-responsibility for and as all as one as equal for all of eternity.