Tag Archive | bills

Day 163: Don’t put them in your mouth

I kept my 2 year old granddaughter today and I found a box of glass marbles hidden away on a top shelf in my closet so I decided it would be fun to share them with her. Obviously, I knew in common sense that I would not leave her unsupervised with them. So, the two of us sat on the floor and began to hold them and touch them and that’s when I began to see how one line of thought had been triggered just by touching them, and my mind wanted me to tell her: “Don’t put them in your mouth”.

I resisted saying it out loud for a moment as I breathed and stopped the thought, but then, I saw her pick one of the marbles up and gently touch it to her cheek. When I saw her do that I immediately reacted and I heard myself say: “don’t put them in your mouth”. She kind of shook her head up and down when she heard me and continued to investigate every inch of each one of them.

She was really enjoying them but as for me, I was fidgety and having difficulty enjoying the moment because I had an image/thought within my mind where I saw her putting one in her mouth and within that I became fearful.  And again I had the urge to tell her: “don’t put them in your mouth”.

How crazy is it when you know you’re not going to leave a small child alone with something that they could easily swallow but within your head, your mind is like repeating illusions of your own fear over and over. I mean, what ends up happening is, we project our illusion of fear onto the child until they act out and become the very thing within our mind we fear will happen!

Thus, here I will be investigating / walking self-forgiveness of the dimensions of the line of thought: “Don’t put them in your mouth”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and become distracted in the thought “don’t put them in your mouth” where within me the thought became more important than my physical reality moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the image/thought within my mind of a marble being physically put into the mouth and choked on and/or causing death to an invisible image within my mind where I imprinted the face of and projected my fear upon my granddaughter within and as a feeling of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the very thought of  my granddaughter choking on a marble so much so that the thought itself is able to change the very nature of who I become simply because there was marbles in the room, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to know that I am able to be responsible and that I will not leave a small child in the room with something like marbles especially since I realize in common sense that small children have an instinct to put things in their mouth as they explore their world, thus, I’m not stupid, I know in common sense that I must remain aware of the child, and I see, realize and understand that it is Not necessary to fear such images/thoughts within my mind because i know I am directing and standing responsible for the child to ensure their safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally be afraid of the line of thoughts as words within my mind of “don’t put them in your mouth” because I see, realize and understand how those words for me represented fear within me because me as my mind accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied by the idea of fear of loss of control.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to when I saw my granddaughter touch the marble to her face have a reaction within myself where I immediately had to stop the urge to repeat to her that she was not to put the marbles in her mouth, when I knew within myself that she was only exploring the coolness of the touch of the marble on her face, and I see, realize and understand how the constant repetitive behaviors as reactions of/as fear is how I / we manifest and create consequences within our world that we so desperately try and escape from.

When and as I see myself experiencing a line of thought where I allow myself to become distracted and focus on an image/thought pattern within my mind which is triggered by something within my present moment – I stop and I breathe – I see, realize and understand that the repeating thought pattern is of and as a past memory of which I realize has no real control of who I am in this moment unless I allow it, thus I commit myself to through self-forgiveness in self-honesty re-design myself free from the memory where marbles once held a place of fear within me according to how I defined myself within and as it.

I commit myself to stop reacting and projecting fear onto my granddaughter based upon a memory and creating within me a point of fear of loss according to a repeating thought pattern.

I commit myself to see, realize that in self-honesty I am able to will myself to stop patterns of fear within and as my mind as consciousness and to direct myself to remain here within the moment of breath to enjoy myself interacting and enjoying each moment I’m given of and as life.

Day 160: When Anger Hurts

I just woke up from a dream in which I saw myself in anger so vividly that I had to get up and write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry in how as Americans we actually spend time talking about and believe that there is a Presidential candidate to pick from that will make a difference within our world – where an actual change will occur within our current world/money system. When we have clearly seen how 44 Presidents later and here we are, and not one has been able to bring an end to war or poverty and starvation, and that those atrocities, are not even the top 3 issues that we are concerned about resolving.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that instead of answering hard questions, like why do the majority of us continue to work our asses off to support the minority who have all the money, and why is it we’re alright with spending the evening hearing the same lies over and over about how things will change – when in fact, there is No real solution given that will actually assist to bring about real change – the kind of change that brings an end to all suffering.

Furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I’m angry that money and whether we’ll have enough of it is always on our mind – so much so that we’ve become the human race, where the rules are that we must compete with each other to survive, and that’s all we do.

I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry for the mess we’ve made of our world, and how our children are the ones who will be left holding the bill, a debt they can never repay,  and within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry that we expect acts of bravery from our children when we’ve not a clue what it really means to be courageous – the kind of courage it takes to Stand up for and as All as One as Equal.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that,

I am angry that I lied to my children when I said I believed in freedom when clearly the only free is in the dumbing down of those of us who work day in and day out only to be a paycheck away from homeless and hungry and,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

feel the shame in anger as I have witnessed the heartache of survival through the lives of those who have gone before me, where life is lived where one is either rich and getting richer, or poor and hoping to survive another day.  And,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how,

I am angry that as parents we have accepted a money system that doesn’t care if the newborn baby just born unto this world will have food, clean water, healthcare, an education, or even a home, because we’ve not taken the time to investigate the solution where Heaven on Earth can be a reality for us all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swell up inside myself in sorrow for the anger I see I’m existing as, and for how when I hear myself say the word anger,  I see how I have defined anger as that which I have come to ‘manage’, where within me, I store anger away so that I can continue to accept, allow and continue to support the existence of abuse within our current world/money system where the  rich profit off the suffering of the poor and how we actually tell ourselves that we’re ok with that.

Thus, I commit myself to see, realize and understand that anger only hurts when we use it against ourself and each other, therefore, I commit myself to stop suppressing who I am as anger because I see, realize and understand that anger will assist me to direct myself in common sense according to and in support of a system where life is given honor in accordance to what’s best for all.

Day 159: The Dirty Little Secrets in Anger

For context read: Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why
Self-Commitment Statements to Stop who I am as anger

When and as I see myself existing within the energetic swirls of anger, I stop, I breathe.  I see, realize and understand that any perception that I may have of being angry toward another is just a flat out illusion because in reality, I’m angry at myself,  and therefore it is vital that I breathe and investigate what’s going on within me that’s causing me to want to find fault in whoever it is that is next in line for me to blame for the bad experience I’m having of myself,  because the fact is, anger is like a ticking time bomb,, an accumulation of moments where I’ve suppressed, compounded and completely avoided taking self-responsibility for myself according to how and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to stop who I am as the dirty little secrets in anger because I see, realize and understand that anger is a cover up for the parts of me that exists in/as ego which manifest within this world as the horrors that I fear admitting I am a responsible for/as.

I commit myself to Stop anger as my path of preTense where I accept and allow tension to flow through me as my physical body while I pretend to be a survivor of and separate from the madness that exists within our world while I use anger as the tool to generate emotional conflict within myself which compounds into my flesh and bone as that which I’ve long ignored as it fuels the acceptance and allowance of who and what I exist as as who I am through and as the direction of and as my mind as consciousness.

I commit myself to show how anger is a direct reflection of what I hide in shame of in fear that I’ll be called on to claim my fame for how the inner me is mirrored as how the outer world represents me as all the while trying to convince myself that there is no way that I am directly responsible for the wars and greed that exist within and as the minds of men when in fact, I know that I cannot deny that I am responsible for how our world exists.

I commit myself to stop what I have denied as who I am as the reaction I become in/as guilt which I defend in/as anger because I fear the shame in admitting my denial because I see, realize and understand that that which I dish out is exactly what I will receive, and for the things that I accept and allow to happen unto another, I accept and allow to happen unto me thus, I commit myself to Never forget the mathematical equation within the principle of equality.

I commit myself to breathe and investigate who I am in/as anger, because I see, realize and understand that anger is an inner suppression based on blame, shame, regret, guilt and ego, where within myself I fear what I see I have accepted and allowed, where I have believed that I have the  inability to direct my life and take self-responsibility for the dishonesty that I’ve existed as – because within the secrets of my mind I use excuses to not see what it is that makes me unhappy and full of anxiety and thus, I constantly place responsibility on someone else, instead of standing up and directing myself to take responsibility for myself and every single living being, therefore, I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to support an Equal Money system which will support every living being according to what’s best for all.

Day 158: Angry and I Don’t Know Why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am as the anger I suppress in fear that I may become it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often feel incredibly angry and I don’t know why even though I realize the anger within me is me, yet I still resist and refuse to see who I am as it because I fear if I come face to face with me as the anger that I feel toward myself for what I’ve accepted and allowed that I will surely die of shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking within myself to see the starting point of why it is that I experience emotional waves of anger and then believe my own fear that if I go there and touch the anger that I will realize the truth of me, of what I have accepted and allowed and that I will lose myself forever.

I forgive myself for the fact that even as I sit here writing, exposing the anger I fear deep within me, that I can feel a hardening sensation as if a warning that says to me to stop, do not pass by this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as anger hang out within my mind in and as my past because in my past i was able to fool myself into believing that someday I could change the world, which is just another way for me to energize my ego and keep myself stuck in emotional games within and as the secrets of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I have practically lived in this world that I’ve made up where my entire  life has been about me making up fantasy worlds within my mind where the sole purpose has been to boost who I am as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a world where life is fun and everyone is safe and happy and then suddenly anger appears and I see how the picture perfect setting is missing life itself and I realize how I’ve always missed the gift that one gives to self when one forgives the dream and stands in and as the honesty of self to take self-responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that I am angry and I don’t know why when the fact is I have been in fear of who I am as anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for fooling myself into believing that living in fear of what others will think of me is easier that getting real with myself and facing who I really am in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely pissed off at myself that I have spent my whole life completely ignorant to and abusive of that which allows me life as me as my physical body.

to be continued

Day 155: Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/believe/participate in and as the thoughts: ‘Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it’ – six words that keep popping up within my mind following an image of me lowering my head and slightly rubbing my nose and pausing just as I’m sitting in front of the computer to write, where in that moment, I lose awareness of myself as breath and allowed myself to be distracted with the backchat in my head which caused me to reject myself, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in that moment within me, I was rejecting myself within the starting point of self-interest and unknowingly (when I slow myself down I realize what I’m doing) I would hide within myself from me and ultimately manifest intense pain within my physical body in my upper back region.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I manipulate myself where I justify my stuckness as unimportant and act as my own bad referee where I basically sideline myself, isolate myself, and literally remove myself from being the directive principle in self-honesty of and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I exist in and as resistance, my body language morphs into and as the resistance, where I cross my arms in defense and protection from others, and my right hand clutches my left hand,  basically, I hold a position of superiority while existing in and as inferiority, causing pain within my physical body, and lots of it, and secretly, I know within my mind that my physical body is showing me the tell-tale signs of my suppressed state, thus, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I slow myself down I am able to move beyond the point of resistance and thus stop the thoughts of and as my mind as the words saying to me: ‘Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it’, because I see, realize and understand how the words are me and represent a point of acceptance of how in the past I’ve allowed myself to sink into and as a resistance which manifests and creates physical pain within and as my back, thus I commit myself to stop what I see, realize and understand is a point of resistance, a sort of blockage of emotions and feelings within and as my physical body,  I breathe, I earth myself here in becoming the directive principle of/as and for me in order to first change myself through self-honesty from the inside out to thus stop resistance, to thus begin to express myself as who I am, to give my all to me through gratefulness for and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the amount of self suppression I have existed as, because I see, realize and understand how this Day 155, of me walking the Journey to Life , I realize that I am only now getting started, therefore, I commit myself to see, realize and understand both the magnitude and the simplicity of making the decision to continue writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, because I comprehend how it is only through this Journey that I will ever come close to being who I am, as well as having the opportunity to possibly birth myself as Life from the Physical. I am grateful to/for me as my physical body for supporting me as I walk this Journey and support a World according to what’s best for All.

Join Us!

Day 152: Erasing the Lies

This is a continuation to:
Day 151: Control Freak

I commit myself to expose myself to who I am within my fears where I try and control others to avoid the fear of facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed as I attempt to control the consequences of my past behaviors by controlling others.

I commit myself to erase the lies of who I’ve been as a control freak where in fear I try and control others as a defense mechanism to not look within to stop what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become and to through writing and self-forgiveness see my way to/as self-honesty.

When and as I am having a conversation and sharing myself with another and I see that I am beginning to want to say something to them within the desire to try and control them, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that directing myself and others as myself in self-honesty, does not involve energetic movement or the want, need and/or desire to convince someone of something therefore, I commit myself to breathe and remain the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I commit myself to stop reacting towards others within a ‘shut the fuck up’ attitude where within myself I become spiteful and thus project that onto others, thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe.

I commit myself to remain aware of my voice tonality because I see, realize and understand that when I’m seeking to control another, the tone in which I speak becomes higher or lower depending on whether I’m using a positive or negative approach to control.

I commit myself to stop judging myself for how I am walking my process because I see, realize and understand that I have been a control freak toward myself and thus have suppressed myself in my writings and self-forgiveness, thus I commit myself to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as my mind to attempt to control and suppress who I am and I commit myself to push through the resistance of/as control and to allow myself to let go and accept myself to be and express myself through to/as self-honesty.

I commit myself to breathe and stand within an understanding of the nature of who I am as a control freak and to no longer accept and allow myself to express myself in such a manner to/towards others because I see, realize and understand that seeking to control others is an outflow of fear and that when I act like a control freak I am giving permission for fear to manifest itself as who I become as it, thus, I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be and become fear.

I commit myself to stop being a control freak wherein I try and control how other people act and think because I see, realize and understand that I must first walk the necessary changes of self in self-honesty in changing me from the inside out before I am able to be of any real assistance to/for anyone else.

I commit myself to stop living my life attempting to control others through trying to please/manipulate them in one way or another, and to instead realize that life is not about pleasing/manipulating others, it’s about supporting all life according to what’s best for all through and with the support of an Equal Money System.

Day 151: Control Freak


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I allow myself to become a certain character within my world such as a control freak, then I will experience the same, for example; control within my world, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a character of and as my mind who is a control freak, where as that I exist within a belief that I have the ability to control others even though at the same time within my mind I feel a loss of control, thus, I will act on the need to fill my perception of loss of control through my attempt to control others instead of questioning and investigating what is it within myself that causes me to react on the outside in relation to what’s going-on on the inside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unknowingly use fear as the reason for my need to control others through relationships because within my mind I fear losing control and I fear the feeling that comes up as inadequacy when I perceive myself as having a negative experience, thus, I seek to control others as a way of keeping a positive energetic experience of myself going on where I see myself as being important and/or the most responsible one within the relationship and within that I forgive myself for playing make belief within my mind as being and having authority and control over others as a way of avoiding facing who I am as a fear reaction feeling of being ‘out of control’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control everything and everyone within my world even though within my secret mind I constantly fear that I am making one mistake after another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how as a control freak within my secret mind I quietly want others to fear me even though I am more afraid of others than they could ever be of me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become preoccupied with the details of others to the point that I will attempt to dominate them with my opinions at the expense of flexibility, openness and/or common sense mostly because at that point I’ve become obsessed and only interested in having things done my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate a place for myself within my mind where I become unwavering in my approach towards others because I see myself as being more superior than another being because I believe that I need attention and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the application of unforgiving towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to the words: ‘out of control’ wherein my mind I see ‘out of control’ as a dark scary place which I run from yet when I slow myself down and breath I see that there is only me as my past in fear of letting go..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within fear there is always the starting point of self-interest where I want, need and/or desire something and/or someone from outside myself to validate me thus protect me from the secrets I hold within my mind which I use against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in and as fear turn life into an act of labored living wherein I take from others within the same context as when withdrawing money from my bank account and within that I forgive myself that I have exchanged the life force of my physical body for energy through how I create debt as a consequence of my expectations within my constant need to maintain a perception of routine and control within and as my mind.

to be continued