Tag Archive | character building

Day 162: Blast from the Past

Today I received a phone call from a friend from my past that I haven’t spoken to in just over 5 years. The first thing I noticed when we started talking was an awkward silence and the realization that the connection we used to have between us, was simply not there.

However, our mind uses memory to compensate for those moments of awkwardness and it wasn’t long before the manipulation tactics began and I became aware of the familiarity in how our minds were seeking to rekindle those old feelings we once believed were so special between us. In a flash of a moment I was reminded of the direction that I had once chosen as I accepted and allowed my mind to guide me in the direction that would best benefit the self-interest of us both. I sat there looking within myself and realized that here was a peculiar moment I was fortunate to be witness to.

In one sense, the future as my past with the friend and me appeared the same as it had always been and yet, the fact of the matter was, something was entirely different, changed. It was then that I breathed in the relief that it was me who had moved from that particular space and time and was walking in a completely different direction.

I was surely grateful for the moment.  And, I am grateful for the Life Skills I’ve learned and applied through Desteni I Process, because that is how I’ve been able to assist myself to decide who I am within this moment, and for the clarity of my choice in the direction I am walking – to not settle for anything less than the decision I stand by and as, to walk my life according to what’s best for all.

LOL,, was interesting, how the phone call just sort of ended, with barely even a good bye.

Above Artwork by Lindsay Craver

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Day 147: I Can Do This

For Context Read: 

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

Day 146: Family Unfair

I commit myself to when and as I see myself begin to go into shut down inside myself, where in that moment I realize within my mind that I have no control over who, what or how my step dad is with regards to what and how he believes/exists as, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to stop who I become in fear to/towards him as I slow myself down and remind myself of what I know in that, I see, realize and understand that our world requires direction as it cannot and will not be able to continue as it is with the multitude of abuse and suffering that is increasing daily. Thus, I realize that we can longer deny the ignorance of sitting in silence believing in a hero or a God to fix the mess that we’re All responsible for, nor can we deny that money is the weapon we use against each other which keeps us enslaved and imprisoned within our mind of/as hate, greed, competition, war and spite, because as that, we are manifesting our own demise, therefore, I commit myself to standing up as one voice and one vote for an Equal Money system, because with Equal Money, I know for sure that the systems of this world will be redesigned according to what’s best for all, and within that, the proper nourishment for our physical bodies and our physical reality will receive the direction that is greatly required to create Heaven on Earth. Thus, I commit myself to stop who I am as reactions and fear when speaking to my step dad and instead,  I commit myself to walking the self-correction of who I am in self-honesty until I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I commit myself to stop who I’ve become as the sins of the fathers, and mothers, to thus stop existing as a parent with fear which influence and stifles the child where the child will live a life of more fear, to instead apply what I see is common sense in who I am in self-honesty.

I commit myself to realizing that directing myself to speak without reactions and to speak in a stable manner will take practice because I see, realize and understand that I have never known any other way of living, therefore I commit myself to breathing and remaining patient with myself in continuing to write, apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to ensure that I leave no room for excuses to not commit myself to practice changing.

Day 146: Family Unfair

For Context Read: 

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

Investigating myself further after having heard: Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 3 from Eqafe – which I highly recommend hearing the entire ongoing series of – I’ve realized how, in regards to who I become around my step dad, is much more than just the ‘character of defeat’. When in fact it’s multiple different personalities and characters that I take on and become through and as fear.  Thus, as I take on the points I will be continuing here with self-forgiveness and statements of self-commitment.

Self-forgiveness
Fear Dimension cont.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mind utilize fear as control where within my mind physical reality I manipulated myself in believing that I was treated unfair, rejected within my family, how when I realized that I cannot control who my step dad is in relationship to how I want him to ‘feel’ and ‘act’ towards me, then within and as my mind I become fearful, thus, I utilize anger, negativity, comparison and or justifications as the ways and means that I accept and allow myself to further manipulate myself where I remain in fear of and thus submit myself to self-abuse according to how and what he lives as and believes in, thus, I exist the same in which I remain stuck within the point, which I see, realize and understand isn’t real, yet in fear of not being what I perceive he wants me to be, I never actually walk the point of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain preconditioned and preprogrammed through fear according to my mind perception of losing control.

Thought and Imagination Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought as an image/picture to automatically come up within my conscious mind of/as me when I was a child, in how as I was sitting and looking out my bedroom window, I would accept and allow one thought/image/picture to come forth from within me automatically over and over within a desire to be ‘the special one’ of my step dad’s children, and how I defined my relationship to myself according to how I used that single thought/image/picture to make myself feel special and loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed one thought/image/picture to completely become me where I completely ignored who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind imagine that I am walking tall through my house feeling comfortable and stable when in reality I was physically curled up like a ball in my bed in feelings of loneliness.

I forgive myself for not realizing how I accepted and allowed myself to through fear utilize hope in seeing/believing that my step dad was a God in the sense that I idolized the idea of him while I blamed him for every fear I held within me when in fact he was not to blame for it was only me that I have always feared facing.

Backchat and Reaction Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I held myself in polarity within my mind physical body in spite as backchat towards my step dad of: “he’s so mean” yet within me I secretly desired to be the single point of his affection because I believed that receiving that would somehow validate me as a daughter.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I manifested experiences of myself as feeling ashamed of myself through repeating negative and/or positive thought patterns over and over within and as my mind in how I told myself that I shouldn’t ‘feel’ rejected when I didn’t receive his attention and then ‘feeling’ over stimulated when I did, and within that not realizing that for every positive outcome there will be a negative, thus always existing in polarity.

PHYSICAL Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure in the upper to middle area of my back when I resist and suppress voicing me in self-honesty, where within the perception of and as who I am as my quantum mind, I fear loss of control, thus physically feel as if I’m sitting in a pressure cooker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my face and ears to become flushed with heat within the discharge of a massive amount of energy due to inner conflict/friction that has through time built up through and as a personality that I accept and allow myself to be and become in fear of standing in self-honesty in the face of my step dad.

CONSEQUENCE Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of accepting and allowing myself to not stand in self-honesty where I then feel guilt and condemnation towards myself because I realize how I allowed fear in abdicating myself from life as myself, thus continuing to support our abusive world/money systems.

to be continued

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

For context Please read: Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Fear Dimension/Self-Defeat – Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a variety of spectators/characters/personalities, as if I’ve been living on the outside of myself in fear of looking in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I comfort who I am as my mind through certain experiences like when I’m talking with my step dad and using memories as emotional and feeling ‘conversational pieces’ similar to how we feel when we eat certain things which we refer to as ‘comfort food’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in fear of who I am within a perception of love as a safety net within and as my mind where I am bound by and live as an imprinted version of/as the mind of my parents which I have accepted myself to be since the moment I was born as that which I believed I needed, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing who I really am within what I have allowed because I accepted the belief that I was to weak and emotionally too close for comfort to face and stop who I am as an imprinted illusion of myself of/as those who have gone before me, thus, for my entire life experience I have grown dependent upon energetic memories and/or experiences of myself which create a false sense of comfort as emotions and feelings – which I see, realize and understand in self-honesty, is how me as my mind doesn’t want to give up the illusion, thus how the famiLIE construct assures that I will never take self-responsibility for how, who and what I have accepted and allowed in how our world exists and how within the illusion of/as memories/characters and personalities of and as my mind I continue to support a world/money system which supports the abuse we together as a humanity manifest/create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the role that money plays in relation to what I will accept and allow and behave as within the dynamics of the family relationship/construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships to exploit who I am within and as money and how  I use money to distract myself from my relationship to myself and the rest of humanity and our physical world/reality/existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money as the core point in how I manipulate myself and others in my attempt to behave and experience myself as happy and in control when always money is the underlying lie motivating an illusion of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death so much so that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed a separate illusion named ‘God’ to comfort me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships to exploit who I am within and as a religious belief which I’ve used it to distract myself from my relationship to myself and the rest of humanity and our physical world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to a man to fulfill in me that which I believed I had to have as CONfidence in order to understand who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve become dependent upon the one idea that I believed would pull me through and give me ‘the strength to carry on when nothing else would’, which was to have and be received by/through the ‘love of a father’.

 

to be continued…

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Every couple of months or so I talk on the phone to my stepdad and every time the conversation is over, I realize how once again I’ve not walked through in self-corrective application a repeating pattern of my mind which I allow myself to be directed as and become. Interestingly enough, I became aware of myself as a character of/as my mind that I applied self-forgiveness for in my last blog: Day 143: I will not Lie Down in Defeat.

There are various dimensions of the role as the ‘character of defeat’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become, thus,  I commit myself to walk the dimensions through in/as self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to Stop who I become as a ‘character of defeat’.

My stepdad is the man who raised me, and is the only living member left of what was my immediate family for most of my life, and, that is a tie that binds. So, today, when I realized I was stepping into the role of/as a ‘character of defeat’, I stopped and remained silently aware of myself breathing, and I realized some important points.

For instance, I saw how me as my mind finds it comforting to talk to him. That’s surprising, but yet, it’s not really, because when him and I talk on the phone, we still talk to each other as if my mom and my brother and sister were on the line with us.

Much if not all of our conversation is woven between mutual memories of our long time/lost family members.

One of the things that we talked about toward the end of the conversation was how hard it is to believe that it’s been a year since my sister died. He said how he had talked to my sisters 14 year old daughter, and how she was upset by the ‘one year anniversary’ of her mom’s passing. He then began to share with me how he was able to comfort her by reminding her that if she’ll just keep herself in church and close to God, then someday, she’ll get to see her mom again. He said how, her hearing him share that, was what made her ‘feel’ better.

That was a crucifying point for me because nothing about that makes sense to me anymore, and, I certainly don’t ‘feel’ better for having heard it.  I see, realize and understand how if something makes us ‘feel better’, we can be sure it is of our mind as consciousness and that it’s a lie that has always been one.  It was at that point that all comfort left me as my physical body, and thankfully, I immediately began to have pain in my upper back – which was a point of support for/as me as my physical body, to assure that I am here breathing and paying attention to what I’m accepting and allowing. Yet, I could say nothing. The only thing about myself that I trusted in that moment was breathing.

I saw how in and as the ‘character of defeat’ I am evil and I am fearful. I feared standing up for what I know and directing myself in self-honesty. I feared upsetting and ultimately pissing off and losing the father/man/relationship that I’ve become dependent upon in keeping together a family construct within patterns and characters/personalities of and as my mind. Thus, I will be continuing in my next blog with further self-forgiveness for the role I play as a ‘character of defeat’ within the family construct.

Day 143: I will not Lie Down in Defeat

The past couple of weeks I’ve not been able to spend much time with my two year old granddaughter Emmeline.  So I really enjoyed being with her today.  Children are quick to learn how to adapt and survive and her newest and seemingly favorite new words, which she’s learned at her new daycare with other children who are close to her age, are: “are you done with it”, “it’s my turn”.  When I heard her, immediately I saw how from within myself came forth a character of defeat.  Where in that moment,  I realized how socialization takes hold of us until finally, we’re walking the patterns of and as our mind, enslaved to a money system, punching a time clock and waiting and hoping it’ll soon be ‘our turn’ at life. Here I will begin walking self-forgiveness and self-correction for who I am within the patterns I saw coming forth today to stop what I’ve accepted and allowed. Beginning here with the role I became aware of first as a ‘character of defeat’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I am acting as the character of/as my mind in/as defeat, that I create a point of resistance to/towards others within a point of self sabotage where I become short in how I speak and direct myself to/towards them and then justify my actions by blaming them instead of realizing how I am actually avoiding taking self-responsibility within a fear of failing, thus, I commit myself to stop who I’ve become in/as defeat and instead I breathe in realizing that when I blame I am avoiding taking responsibility for myself for who I am in self-honesty as life, to actually walk the point through in self-corrected application as a living example of the kind of change required whereas all living beings will exist here together equally in allways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that generate energy between me and another such as: ‘they’re not hearing me so what’s the use’, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I access my own point of view in my head by participating in such thoughts, that I am not remaining here within this moment and am in fact giving in to the direction of and as my mind as consciousness – instead of breathing and directing myself within the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I go into my head to hopelessness and then to that of seeking power – where I see myself as more than others within and as a humanity where we’ve not seen, realized or understood how we as parents/adults hold the key to how and what is experienced as life on earth and in how we continue to raise the children of this world to be just like us, full of traditions and enslaved to and as a world/money system where nothing ever actually changes, thus, I commit myself to stop going into my head to hopelessness in seeking power of myself as more than others, and instead,  I commit myself to investigate and educate myself in how and what it is that continues to support our world/money systems, to thus redesign them according to and as a system which will support all life according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through family traditions carry on supporting our current world/money systems without questioning what it is that I’m actually giving consent for such as the gross negligence to and toward the majority of life here on earth whereas when one doesn’t have money, their life is accepted and allowed to be neglected, abused and exposed to war and murder, and, in how we allow other living beings to starve to death daily within a world where only if one has money is everything and anything possible, thus, I commit myself to stop who I’ve been as family traditions and to question what I’ve accepted and allowed and given consent to/for within and as our world/money system, to thus commit myself to a world where neglect and abuse to life is stopped, and instead, All living beings are supported from birth to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change the world within a belief that it can’t be done, because I fear how life has turned into a way station for abuse and death to and as life, thus, I’d given up on understanding the actual process in that, we each one must change ourselves from within,  thus, I commit myself to change me first as a living example in order to assist in changing the world according to that which is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a character of/as my mind who fears failing, to become physical heavy within myself, wherein I see myself and others as myself as defeated within a belief, assumption, idea and/or perception that I cannot be or become anything else or more than what I believe of myself as what I have defined myself to be as an accepted and allowed act of self-defeat, therefore, I commit myself to stop who I’ve been as a character of defeat, wherein I have only imagined what might have been instead of seeing, realizing, understanding and thus standing on my own two feet and walking in the shoes of another in support of and as a world where every living being is realized as equal to and one with/as each other as life.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how through my words, the tone of my voice and the movements of me as my physical body, I am responsible for, and I am the teacher of the child who stands before me – for who they’ll become and what they’ll accept and allow to exist within our world, thus, I commit myself to breathe and direct myself within every moment to remain here and participate in giving to others as that which I wish to receive as a Life of Equality.

Day 127: The World Revolves Around Me Character

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the perception of myself within my head region as a mind consciousness system, I exist as one who has been so lacking in self-trust and within the inability to take self-responsibility, that I have lived my life insisting and demanding and crying out for the world to see me, notice me, love me, and above all else, revolve around me and me only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a character of/as my mind have desired the world to revolve around me and within that have become a master manipulator in order to satisfy my minds perception of control through abusing others in order to ensure that those within my world will see me as I desire them to see me as an object of their affection/attention to thus further my desire to control who I am within ‘the world revolves around me character.

I forgive myself for not realizing the extent of my fear when looking within myself to the loss of image when asking myself who will I be and how will I act if I’m not noticed and loved by someone/anyone and how within that I have neglected the necessary adjustments and upkeep of me as my physical body in fear that if I change and/or don’t change certain physical attributes of my physical body that I may then be seen as less desirable and thus my perception of how my world must revolve around me will change and I’ll become a feared version of/as a character of myself as nothing more than the girl interrupted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat within my mind to continue as the words of: ‘I am better than her/him’, so why am I not being seen first’ – where within myself as those words, I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as ego and spite and, when I look closer, I see that I am actually attempting to gain the attention of myself – to hear and see how the loneliness and frustration that I have existed as is the direct result of seeking approval and validation outside of myself which only leads to a simulated version of myself, where I’m never able to reach a point of fulfillment, thus, I see, realize and understand that life is not about being ‘filled up’ with/as more, but is instead about slowing myself down and breathing, to be a living expression that is not revolving, but that stands firm as an equal and one awareness in full commitment to remain standing as support for/as a world according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being patted on the back for a job well done wherein I am praised and honored for supporting those who are less fortunate, and within that, I see, realize and understand that it’s always been about how to ‘make myself feel special’ and/or to make myself look better than others which is just another way of stroking my ego, thus always trying to replace a negative experience of myself with a positive experience and within that remaining in separation from myself and abdicating myself from life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a character of and as my mind to such a degree that I have acted as though the world revolves around me in how I’ve been lost within my mind of/as reactions of getting attention from others, where within my solar plexus it would feel as if there were butterflies as I experienced ‘feeling excited’ for being noticed, and how within that, I failed to consider what others were struggling with as they’ve fought to stay alive within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself for not realizing how when I exist as if the world revolves around me, that what I am really doing is accepting and allowing the worst case scenario to manifest for all life here on earth, because I see, realize and understand how it is through ego, self-interest, hate and greed that we are creating for ourselves a world full of and subject to that which we fear the most as the cancers of life and death.

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the characters which I become in order to fuel and ignite experiences first thought of within my mind as consciousness, how within that I’ve Not noticed the untold stories of abuse that exists within every walk of life here on earth, and how the reasons of my Not noticing the depth of despair being lived within our world is because I’ve only been interested in myself as my mind and how within my self-interest and greed I have forsaken that which matters the most as that which is real as our physical bodies and our physical world/reality/existence.

I commit myself to Stop filling myself up within and as an egotistical and manipultive perception of and as my mind to thus stop accepting and allowing myself as a character thereof to lead me into temptation to become of and as ego to such a degree that I am unable to see who I am as my physical body as that which supports me to remain here within this physical reality.

I commit myself to stop the fear that exists within me to/toward change and to instead face who I am in self-honesty free from fear within an idea of myself as the girl interrupted and according to a character of/as my mind where I have existed within a belief that my world must revolve around me and thus why I have sought self-glorification for nothing more but to fuel my mind as consciousness within a point of ego, self-interest and greed, instead of standing equal and one with and as my mind, and directing myself within and as and according to that which will support a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to stop who I am as ego and to instead walk a self-corrective process of realizing myself here free from energetic charges of and as experiences, to thus then become willing support for a system that will support our world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to investigate what it’s like to walk in the shoes of those who have no home to relax in and no clean water to replenish their physical body and within that I commit myself to show others the extent of the abuse that is experienced daily by thousands who are silently trying to make it through another day.

I commit myself to becoming equal to and one with my mind.

I commit myself to me as my physical body and our physical reality, to investigate and educate for myself how an Equal Money System is the Solution that will provide complete assistance and support in order to sustain Life on/as Heaven on Earth according to what’s best for All.