Day 273: Moving out of my own way

Falling into self pity is a sticky situation, and one I’ve fallen into starting from a very young age. Anything can trigger self pity, but what’ll end up happening is that we’ll react to something someone does or says and we’ll allow ourself to participate in self judgment as thoughts / backchat and/or memories. Make no mistake about it, self-pity alters our ability to see the practicality/meaning/solution in any given moment/situation.

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

The result or consequence of behaving in self pity is ultimately self sabotage, and more often than not, in the end, we won’t have been aware of how we came to feel like we feel because we won’t have realized what or how we got to feeling the way that we do, because we would have already lost ourself in the energy of the thing, self pity that is.

Self pity is a pattern within my mind that I sometime play out in my world, and it’s one that I’ve been investigating for awhile now. However recently, through my ‘reacting’ to something somebody said/wrote, I’ve been able to understand the point with greater clarity.

So, self pity is definitely a tricky SOB that’s for sure. So be aware, self pity can play out in various ways, but in the end it’ll cause us to want to blame others for how we’re experiencing ourself instead of realizing, we’ve just fallen prey to self pity through our own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over who I become and how I experience myself as the feeling bad / feeling sorry for myself energy that then activates the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a positive expression into and as the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the energy of self pity produces an energy of excitement as it moves throughout my entire physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the actual origin points that lead to the outflow consequence or activation of and as the self pity energy which is an intensity with which I speak self judgment within my mind that then creates a feeling bad experience which will escalate into and as self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and thus allow the energy of self pity to entrap me within and as my own mind where I then lose awareness of myself and react in a way where I use excuses, reasons and justifications within my mind to hold onto and immerse myself into and as the emotion of self pity.

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to the energy of self pity, I Stop, I breathe. I direct myself to Not participate because I see, realize, and understand that the relationship I have with/as the energy of self pity is having a direct effect upon the relationships that I have within my world/reality.

When and as I see myself looking at my past and seeing myself as a failure I stop. I Breathe. I see realize and understand that in doing so I am participating in an intense self judgment in believing myself as being a disappointment, and how it is in these moments, that I allow self pity to creep in, thus instead, I Commit myself to see the moment as a gift, an opportunity to investigate, forgive and strengthen myself.

When and as I see myself within a moment of self judgment I stop, I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how important it is to understand the nature of self judgment in that if I participate in and as it, I’m giving way for that ‘feeling bad about myself emotion‘, which activates self pity and then, the whole process itself weakens and disempowers my ability to remain aware of myself because at that point, I’m already seesawing within and as my mind as the thing which then takes over my entire physical body. Therefore I commit myself to not accept and allow the domino effect to fall from/as the self judgment, to the feeling bad emotion, into the self pity where I then get stuck in a pit that can cause depression as well as self abdication.

I commit myself to stop attacking myself with and through self judgments.

I commit myself to Stop judging myself because I see, realize and understand that self judgment is a method the mind uses to ensure self sabotage.

I commit myself to identify the cause, source and origin of when self judgment come up to thus stop reactions and/or attacks on myself and/or others.

I commit myself to examine what I know deep within me in that I am no longer willing to accept, allow, nor believe the judgments that I’ve carried around like baggage from my past/mind, to instead redefine who I am as self pity and change my relationship to/as it through changing myself in the actual moment that self judgment begins, as well as going back into my past, in the memories, to see where I’ve given in to self pity so as to correct and redefine myself in/as the memory itself.

I commit myself to redefine who I am and my relationship to self pity by looking at the moment /my past to a memory of/or when self judgment came, to have a look at who am I in the moment as I forgive the self judgment thereby changing my relationship to the memory/moment into and as a solution by making a Stand to Not allow myself to give in to my mind as consciousness, backchat and/or the energy of self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the accepted and allowed indulgence into and as self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the positive connotation to self pity.

I commit myself to when self judgment tries to come up, to instead speak self-forgiveness as a gift to myself, using self pity as a way to move myself from consciousness to self awareness and strengthen my stand in relationship to my mind.

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“Fear of self’s truth = self judgment = self pity: Which form a wound within self, wanting it to be healed by another as to so deem ourselves as not being ‘so bad’ and ‘terrible’ for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. But doing this – is not taking self responsibility and there’s no-one able to judge us, but ourselves.

I understand now that there’s no-one able to judge me, but myself and that I really actually create what I experience within me – and therefore I, I alone, must STOP.”  ~ The Truth Hurts: Part Three by Benazir Bhutto

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Day 137: Can’t Touch This

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have depended upon and existed within and as expectations, wherein I expect others to validate me as being ‘important’ so that I will thus then have an experience of myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built up so much hope to have specific experiences of myself as ‘something more than’ who I perceive myself to be that when I don’t experience that which I expect, desire and/or wish to experience, I would then ‘feel’ a deep inner disappointment which felt like within my physical body, that I was carrying the weight of the world around within and as me, therefore, I commit myself to stop expecting, desiring and/or wishing to experience myself according to something and/or someone outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within and as a character of/as my mind I have existed as a spectator of sorts, waiting to be fulfilled and how within that I have experienced myself within negative energy picture/thoughts of how I could have and should have been a better mother/wife/person, thus, I commit myself to stop existing as a character of/as my mind who acts as the role of a spectator within and as negative energy experiences, and to instead investigate who I am in self-honesty to practically walk the path of self-corrective application according to and in support of/for that which is best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a spectator and/or an observer of myself within my life where instead of participating and directing who I am as life, I have allowed me as my mind as consciousness to direct me to such a degree that I feel as if I have often become a spectacle of my own disappointment, thus I Stop. I see, realize and understand that through self-forgiveness I am able to gift to myself the courage and will to in self-honesty redesign and direct myself to change the inner me and thus change the outer me to walk in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how living within and as expectations, I have built an invisible wall of resistance and suppression around myself where I have separated myself from myself as my physical body and from my physical reality wherein my physical expression has become one of ‘can’t touch this’, therefore, I commit myself to never stop walking this process of self-forgiveness because I see, realize and understand how one is able to change self to practically become a physical living expression of and as responsibility for and as all living beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically experience nausea within and as a remembrance of some lost bliss that I only recognize according to a belief within and as my mind as something that I now see, realize and understand can never be reproduced as something physical, tangible and/or real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience episodes of extreme sadness within ‘feeling’ unfulfilled in realizing that most people care very little about how others experience themselves, thus I commit myself to stop feelings of sadness and unfulfillment, and to show how we each one have the ability to realize/be our own fulfillment within and without to thus stand equal to and one as All Life according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after myself in time only never really seeing who I am within my own chase because that which I perceived to have seen in others has in fact been myself, as that which I have existed within and as, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within my hope to receive fulfillment from others, what I failed to see in my disappointment is that it must be that way, because our reality is showing us that that which exists outside of ourselves cannot and will not fulfill us as who we are until we All stand together as Equals, thus I commit myself to continue walking our Desteni, always, through and as the ‘Principle of Equality‘

Day 12: Woman on Top

Guarding:

I forgive myself that throughout my life I’ve often defined myself as a ‘woman on top’, wherein I took pride in displaying lack of emotions and feelings and/or giving the impression within my relationships that I could live with or without them, when if fact what I’d become was suppressed within myself, scared of being emotionally hurt, so to protect myself, I built a wall and guarded myself within an idea that ‘I’ was the one ‘in control’ of my relationships, and haha, no one could hurt me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be a loner who didn’t need and/or want for anyone, because that way no one could break the shell on the outside of me which I used to protect what I was existing as within myself which was sadness, loneliness and a suppressed expression of self.

I forgive myself for always being the first to walk away from a relationship in an attempt to ease the pain of a breakup which I feared was bound to happen so I prepared myself constantly from the possibility of emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘woman on top’, meaning how my life was moving in how I was directing my world, which actually meant existing in control/ego and fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive a sense of strength and power within the starting point/view of being one of opinion which charged my ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always want, desire and need to be right with regards to insight, knowledge and/or information that I obtained through life experiences and, the women within my family that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the mind’s ego will always look for validation, conformation, respect and agreement from others because the mind’s ego cannot exist without others agreeing with it’s existence – that being of my opinion and my point of view.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find insult with people/my partner/relationships who tell me to ‘calm down’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was mentally stable and strong, when in fact, all I’ve accomplished within that belief is to separate myself from my physical body and thus avoiding real intimacy within and as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money as a point of ‘relieving’ myself from the guilt in how I see myself as not providing enough to/for my relationships financially, so I sought ways to make earn/money to compensate myself to feel emotionally better.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause financial hardships through the pattern of gambling as a way to win money to pay for unexpected expensives and to make myself feel better for my lack of contributing money to the relationships – unless and/or when I didn’t win – which then compounded the already suppressed point further wherein I became distant and withdrawn from my partner within guilt of having spent money we didn’t really have to spend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘guard’ my relationship with money as a motive for manifesting a time loop for myself which was triggered by jealousy in an illusion of control in which I reacted to in belief that I was able to ‘control’ and direct myself through the point.

Jealousy and the Illusion of Control

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be on guard and manipulated within points of jealousy and the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a self defined category of the mind as polarity friction in and as conflict between what is right and what is wrong.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become an emotional feeling demonic entity that I for a moment allowed to completely take over the experience of myself within a point of jealousy and the illusion and control.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see/realize and understand that when jealousy exist the illusion of control exist.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become grouchy and irritable to/towards my relationship due to my dishonesty in not sharing the truth of what was going on within me because I feared they will walk away from me in their life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and manifest and create into reality my wants, needs and desires which was the starting point behind the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed jealousy to drive me – instead of me seeing/realizing and understanding the core point being that of inferiority and superiority manifested within my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to control my mind, my body, my world, my money, and relationships by using wants. needs and desires to obtain that which I seek control of/within and as.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the resonant nature of my most intimate relationships to influence me through my mind as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for a moment exist within an energetic outflow of a demonic nature as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and time loop a point because I believed I was able to ‘control’ myself when I saw the trigger point of jealousy and even when it ignited an energetic outflow, I was sure I would be able to ‘control’ and direct myself – instead of stopping, breathing and directing myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the direction of my mind in the belief that I was trying to defend and protect my relationship when really I was trying to control my relationships within the context of how wanted them to be as well as how I wanted ‘me’ to be in relationship with that being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a pattern of self righteousness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within wants, needs and desires toward existence as a whole wherein I wanted to be equal and one in and with existence when in fact I was existing within inferiority/superiority.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of jealousy within the illusion of control – I Stop. I Breathe. I see/realize and understand the pattern of control as I’ve existed as it before – I direct me here within and as all as one as equal.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of self righteousness, I see/realize and understand that I’ve walked the path of self righteousness far to long and it is time to stop and forgive myself and re-design myself here breathing according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to investigating myself and my world within self-honesty and self-diligence in seeing/realizing and understanding myself within everything and as all here.

I commit myself to creating life on earth in a manner where woman and children and men and boys and animals, nature, earth, wind and water, All Living beings are of like expressions living proof that equality is the key to all cells of and as Self.

I commit myself to me in accepting and allowing the expression of me within and as self honesty to emerge as who I am as all as one as equal.

“I commit myself to recreate money as the root of all evil as the root of life that we may realize that it is not about what we create, it is about what value we give what we create and thus we can give money the value of life equally and use it as the way to bring to each other what is best for all life.” Bernard Poolman

I commit myself to Stand One and Equal as these Words.