Day 12: Woman on Top

Guarding:

I forgive myself that throughout my life I’ve often defined myself as a ‘woman on top’, wherein I took pride in displaying lack of emotions and feelings and/or giving the impression within my relationships that I could live with or without them, when if fact what I’d become was suppressed within myself, scared of being emotionally hurt, so to protect myself, I built a wall and guarded myself within an idea that ‘I’ was the one ‘in control’ of my relationships, and haha, no one could hurt me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be a loner who didn’t need and/or want for anyone, because that way no one could break the shell on the outside of me which I used to protect what I was existing as within myself which was sadness, loneliness and a suppressed expression of self.

I forgive myself for always being the first to walk away from a relationship in an attempt to ease the pain of a breakup which I feared was bound to happen so I prepared myself constantly from the possibility of emotional pain.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘woman on top’, meaning how my life was moving in how I was directing my world, which actually meant existing in control/ego and fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to derive a sense of strength and power within the starting point/view of being one of opinion which charged my ego.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always want, desire and need to be right with regards to insight, knowledge and/or information that I obtained through life experiences and, the women within my family that has gone before me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the mind’s ego will always look for validation, conformation, respect and agreement from others because the mind’s ego cannot exist without others agreeing with it’s existence – that being of my opinion and my point of view.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find insult with people/my partner/relationships who tell me to ‘calm down’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was mentally stable and strong, when in fact, all I’ve accomplished within that belief is to separate myself from my physical body and thus avoiding real intimacy within and as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money as a point of ‘relieving’ myself from the guilt in how I see myself as not providing enough to/for my relationships financially, so I sought ways to make earn/money to compensate myself to feel emotionally better.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause financial hardships through the pattern of gambling as a way to win money to pay for unexpected expensives and to make myself feel better for my lack of contributing money to the relationships – unless and/or when I didn’t win – which then compounded the already suppressed point further wherein I became distant and withdrawn from my partner within guilt of having spent money we didn’t really have to spend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘guard’ my relationship with money as a motive for manifesting a time loop for myself which was triggered by jealousy in an illusion of control in which I reacted to in belief that I was able to ‘control’ and direct myself through the point.

Jealousy and the Illusion of Control

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be on guard and manipulated within points of jealousy and the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a self defined category of the mind as polarity friction in and as conflict between what is right and what is wrong.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become an emotional feeling demonic entity that I for a moment allowed to completely take over the experience of myself within a point of jealousy and the illusion and control.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see/realize and understand that when jealousy exist the illusion of control exist.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become grouchy and irritable to/towards my relationship due to my dishonesty in not sharing the truth of what was going on within me because I feared they will walk away from me in their life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and manifest and create into reality my wants, needs and desires which was the starting point behind the illusion of control.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed jealousy to drive me – instead of me seeing/realizing and understanding the core point being that of inferiority and superiority manifested within my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to control my mind, my body, my world, my money, and relationships by using wants. needs and desires to obtain that which I seek control of/within and as.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the resonant nature of my most intimate relationships to influence me through my mind as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for a moment exist within an energetic outflow of a demonic nature as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall and time loop a point because I believed I was able to ‘control’ myself when I saw the trigger point of jealousy and even when it ignited an energetic outflow, I was sure I would be able to ‘control’ and direct myself – instead of stopping, breathing and directing myself in self-honesty.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe the direction of my mind in the belief that I was trying to defend and protect my relationship when really I was trying to control my relationships within the context of how wanted them to be as well as how I wanted ‘me’ to be in relationship with that being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a pattern of self righteousness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within wants, needs and desires toward existence as a whole wherein I wanted to be equal and one in and with existence when in fact I was existing within inferiority/superiority.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of jealousy within the illusion of control – I Stop. I Breathe. I see/realize and understand the pattern of control as I’ve existed as it before – I direct me here within and as all as one as equal.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of self righteousness, I see/realize and understand that I’ve walked the path of self righteousness far to long and it is time to stop and forgive myself and re-design myself here breathing according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to investigating myself and my world within self-honesty and self-diligence in seeing/realizing and understanding myself within everything and as all here.

I commit myself to creating life on earth in a manner where woman and children and men and boys and animals, nature, earth, wind and water, All Living beings are of like expressions living proof that equality is the key to all cells of and as Self.

I commit myself to me in accepting and allowing the expression of me within and as self honesty to emerge as who I am as all as one as equal.

“I commit myself to recreate money as the root of all evil as the root of life that we may realize that it is not about what we create, it is about what value we give what we create and thus we can give money the value of life equally and use it as the way to bring to each other what is best for all life.” Bernard Poolman

I commit myself to Stand One and Equal as these Words.

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