Tag Archive | remorse

Day 273: Moving out of my own way

Falling into self pity is a sticky situation, and one I’ve fallen into starting from a very young age. Anything can trigger self pity, but what’ll end up happening is that we’ll react to something someone does or says and we’ll allow ourself to participate in self judgment as thoughts / backchat and/or memories. Make no mistake about it, self-pity alters our ability to see the practicality/meaning/solution in any given moment/situation.

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

moving out of my own wayThe result or consequence of behaving in self pity is ultimately self sabotage, and more often than not, in the end, we won’t have been aware of how we came to feel like we feel because we won’t have realized what or how we got to feeling the way that we do, because we would have already lost ourself in the energy of the thing, self pity that is.

Self pity is a pattern within my mind that I sometime play out in my world, and it’s one that I’ve been investigating for awhile now. However recently, through my ‘reacting’ to something somebody said/wrote, I’ve been able to understand the point with greater clarity.

So, self pity is definitely a tricky SOB that’s for sure. So be aware, self pity can play out in various ways, but in the end it’ll cause us to want to blame others for how we’re experiencing ourself instead of realizing, we’ve just fallen prey to self pity through our own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over who I become and how I experience myself as the feeling bad / feeling sorry for myself energy that then activates the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a positive expression into and as the energy of self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the energy of self pity produces an energy of excitement as it moves throughout my entire physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the actual origin points that lead to the outflow consequence or activation of and as the self pity energy which is an intensity with which I speak self judgment within my mind that then creates a feeling bad experience which will escalate into and as self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and thus allow the energy of self pity to entrap me within and as my own mind where I then lose awareness of myself and react in a way where I use excuses, reasons and justifications within my mind to hold onto and immerse myself into and as the emotion of self pity.

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to the energy of self pity, I Stop, I breathe. I direct myself to Not participate because I see, realize, and understand that the relationship I have with/as the energy of self pity is having a direct effect upon the relationships that I have within my world/reality.

When and as I see myself looking at my past and seeing myself as a failure I stop. I Breathe. I see realize and understand that in doing so I am participating in an intense self judgment in believing myself as being a disappointment, and how it is in these moments, that I allow self pity to creep in, thus instead, I Commit myself to see the moment as a gift, an opportunity to investigate, forgive and strengthen myself.

When and as I see myself within a moment of self judgment I stop, I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how important it is to understand the nature of self judgment in that if I participate in and as it, I’m giving way for that ‘feeling bad about myself emotion‘, which activates self pity and then, the whole process itself weakens and disempowers my ability to remain aware of myself because at that point, I’m already seesawing within and as my mind as the thing which then takes over my entire physical body. Therefore I commit myself to not accept and allow the domino effect to fall from/as the self judgment, to the feeling bad emotion, into the self pity where I then get stuck in a pit that can cause depression as well as self abdication.

I commit myself to stop attacking myself with and through self judgments.

I commit myself to Stop judging myself because I see, realize and understand that self judgment is a method the mind uses to ensure self sabotage.

I commit myself to identify the cause, source and origin of when self judgment come up to thus stop reactions and/or attacks on myself and/or others.

I commit myself to examine what I know deep within me in that I am no longer willing to accept, allow, nor believe the judgments that I’ve carried around like baggage from my past/mind, to instead redefine who I am as self pity and change my relationship to/as it through changing myself in the actual moment that self judgment begins, as well as going back into my past, in the memories, to see where I’ve given in to self pity so as to correct and redefine myself in/as the memory itself.

I commit myself to redefine who I am and my relationship to self pity by looking at the moment /my past to a memory of/or when self judgment came, to have a look at who am I in the moment as I forgive the self judgment thereby changing my relationship to the memory/moment into and as a solution by making a Stand to Not allow myself to give in to my mind as consciousness, backchat and/or the energy of self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the accepted and allowed indulgence into and as self pity.

I commit myself to release myself from the positive connotation to self pity.

I commit myself to when self judgment tries to come up, to instead speak self-forgiveness as a gift to myself, using self pity as a way to move myself from consciousness to self awareness and strengthen my stand in relationship to my mind.

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“Fear of self’s truth = self judgment = self pity: Which form a wound within self, wanting it to be healed by another as to so deem ourselves as not being ‘so bad’ and ‘terrible’ for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. But doing this – is not taking self responsibility and there’s no-one able to judge us, but ourselves.

I understand now that there’s no-one able to judge me, but myself and that I really actually create what I experience within me – and therefore I, I alone, must STOP.”  ~ The Truth Hurts: Part Three by Benazir Bhutto

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Day 78: Character: Daring to Die

Continuation to
Day 77: “WTF was I Thinking?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within my mind a character that I participated in as thoughts of overdosing on pills as a way to commit suicide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in repetitive thought patterns of committing suicide as, “the older you get the more boring life is, I might as well be dead” or “what’s the use, I’ll take some pills and never wake up”, within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as a character within my mind in and as dishonesty in wanting to run away from myself and from here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when participating in thoughts of committing suicide to exist in a state of depersonalization as feeling that things around me weren’t real, like I was observing myself from outside of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when participating in thoughts of committing suicide to feel like I was losing my grip on reality, like I was living in a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when participating in thoughts of committing suicide to feel emotionally disconnected from people that I normally cared about and where I had difficulty focusing on tasks or remembering things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as a character within my mind as thoughts of committing suicide to believe and perceive that I am not able to handle that which I am responsible for which is me within myself and within my world according to what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger and judgment when I heard that A attempted to kill herself, because I was angry and judging myself for how I/we’ve allowed ourselves to become slaves to secret societies, organizations, and our relationships to such a degree that we loose sight of what is real and what we are capable of as that of standing up and directing ourself as life in and as equality, which will eventually bring an end to everyone’s suffering within and without.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest anger where I project blame unto others through pointing my finger in judgment – instead of realizing that there is no one to blame, that we are each one responsible for what we’re allowing to exist within existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger because of the anger I experience within myself in how I have created and manifested fear and loss within my relationship with myself and with others based in self-interest, competition and greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how I avoid taking self-responsibility because as a character of my thoughts within my mind I have accepted and allowed a perception that exists within this world of thinking that when one commit suicide, ‘all of one’s problems will disappear’, that we’ll somehow finally be ‘at peace’ and exist in/as some sort of blissful experience in a heaven somewhere and thus will have no more problems, and/or feelings of lonesomeness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within myself and within my world a character of thinking about committing suicide because of how I accepted and allowed participation within my mind which manifests experiences within myself which lead me to consider removing myself from this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create loss within and as our world and our reality in and through using or abusing myself/something and or someone to hide my self-responsibility and thus create and manifest a point of having to loose something or someone within my world and my reality to expose the truth that we are each one in-fact self-responsible and that we in-fact cannot hide from ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to memories, pictures and/or images as my artillery of knowledge and information which then emerge within my mind as thoughts which I participate in, thus manifesting and creating a character of myself with the soul purpose being to keep myself within the same MEmories/issues/patterns of my past, which causes me to exist within a war zone wherein I want to give up on myself and everything and everyone within my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forsake what matters most as my physical body within this physical reality all according to my choice to participate within my mind of thoughts as a character who ‘thinks’ I should kill myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted my physical body and our physical existence in order to satisfy me as my mind when i’ve not even investigated who I am as my physical body and physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the direction of me as a character of my mind to determine through fear, judgment, anger, lust, greed, self-interest and money, how life is suppose to exist here within and as our physical existence, instead of investigating how the nature of life is here for the giving to/for All life as an example of what’s best for all.


I commit myself to stop me as the character of having thoughts of committing suicide because I see/realize and understand that I am able to be and become the directive principle of me in directing me to stop playing around in and as an illusion within my mind and to earth myself here walking within and as my physical body and physical reality.

When and as I see myself existing in a state of depersonalization as feeling that things around me aren’t real and/or like I’m observing myself from outside my body, I stop. I breathe. I see/realize and understand that me as my mind as consciousness will create illusions to keep me entrapped to and as it, thus, I see/realize and understand that through writing self-forgiveness I am able to see in self-honesty that the experience of myself in a state of depersonalization is not real, that it is only an experience/illusion that I have chosen to give value and/or a name to in my disconnect of self in dishonesty. I see/realize and understand that I’ve walked this pattern before, and that it is no longer who I am willing to be – that I chose to stand and direct myself in proving to/for myself that I am capable of taking self-responsibility for myself and my world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to stop participating in/as thoughts of committing suicide because I see/realize and understand that to do so is an act of self-dishonesty in wanting to run away from myself and from here because I’ve been to afraid to stand up and take self-responsibility because I didn’t ‘think’ that I knew how, however, I do know how to take self-responsibility, by first stopping my participation in/as my thoughts and, through breathing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, directing myself according to what’s best for All.

I see realize and understand that I am not really angry at anyone outside of myself because in self-honesty, I see that I’ve only been angry at myself for not standing up for me and proving to myself through self-forgiveness what I’m capable of in taking self-responsibility for me.

I commit myself to show that fear as anger and judgment, is the result of Not taking self-responsibility for who I am within what is here such as acts against self in participating in thoughts of committing suicide, instead of standing up and directing myself in self-honesty.

I see/realize and understand that reacting to the subject of suicide in/as fear created a limitation wherein I was existing in judgment which I made real within my mind in order to use it as an excuse to give up before even having started facing who I am within my participation as the character in thoughts of committing suicide in fear of taking self-responsibility for myself and for how our world/reality exists.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I/We do not need to, or that it is Not necessary to have to go to the point of loosing something or someone in our world and our reality to realize the extent of what we are in-fact responsible for – that I / WE can in-fact see/realize/understood and become self-responsible within simple self-honesty, and common sense.

When and as I see myself go into feelings and thoughts in and as memories, pictures and /or images, I stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to direct myself and to investigate in self-honesty the point of the character I’m playing, as in how and what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself as the thoughts that I have participated within which have manifested the character I’ve accepted and allowed through and as thoughts of committing suicide.


I commit myself to show that we are enslaved and trapped into a world that we don’t understand and that we become lost within and thus we do what is necessary to survive, and yet, it is only the way it is because we accept and allow it and that we can stop, breathe, forgive and change ourselves within and thus without as our world, as who we each are.

I commit myself to facing me in self-honesty and to stop participating in thoughts of committing suicide because I see/realize and understand that it is utterly useless to remove oneself from this world, because nothing will stop, nothing will end. That we will still experience whatever we’re experiencing within, only worse because we’ll not have our physical body to assist, thus, common sense is, that it’s much simpler to apply our process HERE, to stand up HERE, to take self-responsibility HERE.

I see/realize and understand that it is really simple: All we have to do is stop our participation in/as our mind. That’s it. Just STOP participating. Stop the thoughts – – BREATHE — Forgive yourself. Direct the mind as you in self-honesty.

I commit myself to direct myself to show how life as who we are exists within and as our physical body and this physical existence as earth, breath, and water, first and foremost.

I commit myself to support myself as my physical body and this physical reality according to manifesting and creating a world according to what’s best for all.

Day 77: “WTF was I Thinking?”

Six months ago a friend of my daughter, I’ll call her A, who’s 28, called me and shared how she was contemplating suicide. Then last night, she followed through on her thoughts in attempting do so. She swallowed well over 100, over the counter acetaminophen, after spending 4th of July evening with friends drinking alcohol and watching fireworks. Something to note here is to STOP drinking alcohol, and certainly if you are going to drink the lethal shit, determine first for yourself to NOT make a life or death decision while doing so… When everyone was leaving for home, she told one of her friend’s that she was going home to kill herself, and when she got home, she also left her apartment door unlocked.

It took a little while for her threat to sink in, but when one of her friends went to check on her, she found her covered in her own vomit and quite belligerent. The friend was finally able to get her in the car and drive her to the hospital just in time for both of her kidney’s to shut down and for her heart to stop. The staff at the hospital were able to get her heart to beat again and placed her in a drug induced coma to allow her kidney’s opportunity to recover.


As of now, she’s awake and on 24 hour suicide watch and they’ve said that her physical body should fully recover… Can our physical body ever actually recover from such abuse? And what now?

What’s different from 18 hours ago and what will stop her from trying to kill herself again? Her mother and her sister are tippy toeing around the subject. They don’t want to talk about ‘what happened’ around her because it might upset her…???

We have to ask ourselves how it is that we’re willing to sweep the obvious under the rug, instead of sharing, caring and forgiving ourself.

I’ve known A for at least 7 years and she’s familiar with the Desteni material. She joined the original Desteni forum 4 years ago but was never much interested in applying self-forgiveness.

For most of my day today, I was physically uncomfortable. I was angry and I was judgmental. I wrestled with stopping and forgiving one line of thought which was,, ‘WTF was she thinking’.

So then today, when Marlen Vargas Del Razo, posted her blog, it certainly caught my attention. Her blog is titled: ’82. “WTF was I Thinking?”’

Below is the specific part from her blog that assisted me, though I suggest one read her entire post.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Who I am as Life is Who I am and Does Not require Memory as It is Who I Am.” – Bernard Poolman*

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear the moment I overheard people talking about being out of school already and finding no jobs, which is me participating as ‘fear’ and not here as breath. I realize that reacting to information as fear creates a limitation wherein I make such judgment real in my mind in order to use it as an excuse to give up before even having started.” ~ Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I realized how I had ‘reacted’ to hearing the information this morning and within that created a limitation where within my mind, I secretly made a judgment toward A (which was actually a judgment toward self), thoughts that were so silent, I couldn’t hear them for the limitation I had placed upon myself through my ‘reaction’. Thus, I was existing within a point of giving up before I had even started to forgive myself for the point I was facing.

I know from walking the process of self-forgiveness that one must always bring the point back to self, and so it was – approximately 4 1/2 years ago, just months before beginning to apply self-forgiveness – I struggled with thought patterns that I never told anyone about – of taking some pills to put an end to what I saw was me giving up on myself and life, and giving in to my mind. Instead, I discovered and began walking and applying the tools of Desteni, and, I never applied self-forgiveness for what was quite a stupidity loop within ‘the character of thoughts of committing suicide’.

I’ve never forgiven myself for abusing my physical body similar to the choice that A made. The difference in A’s choice and mine is that I created a character within my mind through thinking about taking pills to kill myself whereas A manifested and entire person/personality that she physically lived-out.

“A Personality is created from an accumulation of characters/similar characters that come-together and then manifested an entire person/personality that you physically live-out.” Sunette Destonian Spies

The point is here before me as I’ve never walked through in self-forgiveness the ‘character of thoughts of committing suicide’, because I feared admitting me as them.

There is really nothing I nor anyone can say or do to ‘save’ A, though, when I have the opportunity – I will ask her – WTF were you thinking? What matters is our Physical Body and applying self-forgiveness for who we are and what we’re accepting and allowing within our Physical Reality. What matters is bringing self to the point of self-honesty and seeing that it doesn’t matter ‘where we are’, we cannot escape facing ourself within our responsibility to what is here in how our world exists. See – One is able to show themself through self-forgiveness how in every moment that I FOR GIVE ME, I receive that which I give which connects self within and as the World as a Whole.

In the following blog post – I will walk through in Self-forgiveness, ‘the character of thoughts of committing suicide’.