Tag Archive | inferiority

Day 287: Stuttering: LifeStyle Experiment Report

This is to share the results of an intervention of sorts that involved my daughter and I assisting and supporting her son / my 11 year old grandson with stuttering and how it affected his lifestyle, his life.  At the time he was struggling terribly with the fear of having to stand in front of his entire class and speak as part of a graded assignment because he was afraid he’d start stuttering in front of everyone.

stutteringMy daughter and I spoke frequently about solutions that might assist him, like speech therapy for instance – which he did get.  Speech therapy is designed to teach specific skills or behaviors that will lead to improved oral communication.

But, there was still a problem because when he experienced what he perceived within his mind to be a stressful situation, he didn’t have the tools to handle himself and so instead of saying what he wanted to say, stuttering would overcome him and disable him from being able to continue.  And, when that happened, he would kind of shut down inside himself,  and so practicing his communication skills was greatly limited.

So it was a little over a year ago when my oldest daughter and I were looking together for a solution for when such moments would overcome him when I realized that with what I’m learning through the Desteni I Process Pro Course  or even in DIP Lite – that if he applied even just one of the many tools that the courses offer, that maybe he’d be able to assist himself when the stress or anxiety and fear come up and stop stuttering all together.

And so my daughter assisted him daily to apply himself,  and it’s important to understand that we kept it simple in how we suggested to him that when he see himself become anxious, or when the stutter begins, that he take that moment to first breathe, and pay close attention to what his thoughts are when the anxiety / ot stuttering begins.  In the beginning the process was like taking baby steps, but then we saw how over time and as he got better at looking at and identifying his thoughts, that’s when we began to hear him peak without stress or stuttering and within that he began to develop self-trust.

It’s fascinating how becoming aware of one’s thoughts and stopping them, that one can control and even Change who they are, and in this case, bring an end to stuttering, because here it is a year later, and I haven’t heard him stutter in months.   And when and if he finds himself in a moment of stress and / or stuttering begins, it’s nice to know that he has a tool that he recognizes will assist him to be able to stop and then speak clearly.

Can you imagine what it would have been like or would be like if as a child you’re given these wonderful tools that help you to understand all the thoughts and the feelings and All the emotional stresses that exist within and as our mind?

It would of made quite a difference for me because if I could have understood how and why I was having all kinds of emotional turmoil within and as my mind,  I would of been more receptive with regards to my education process for one thing and more considerate of others,  because if we’re spending less time participating in our fears within and as our mind then we’re able to make time to nurture our relationships with others, our reality and what’s going on within and as our world.

So we’ve got to make it a priority to blog, to write out what’s going on within us,  and to get to a point where we are able to assist our children in stopping who and what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be as our mind,  and doing so will make all the difference in the world for All of US.

And, let’s be honest, most of us have no clue what to do with all the chatter / backchat and fears that exist within us as our mind.  Until one day we realize how stuck we are in our very own secret mind world, and within that comes all sorts of unwanted patterns / behaviors.

So there is no doubt about it, if we can understand why and how thoughts and feelings and emotions come up within us that cause all sorts of reactions and conflict, then we can forgive them, release / stop them, and re-design who we are free from fear and self-limitation. And I mean, as we change our relationship with ourself to one where we take responsibility for who we are as our mind and begin to direct ourself in self-honesty, then we can begin to change our relationships with others and then maybe we can change Life on Earth to a place where living is about giving – instead of life being the struggle that it is to survive.

FYI: Please understand that the results shared here will vary from person to person, and that there are many tools that are offered through Desteni I Process courses that will further assist one in the process of stopping a habit / pattern / construct that exists within and as our mind – like for example, stuttering.

Also understand that there is much to consider with regards to understanding what goes on within and as the mind consciousness system and stuttering.  Please direct your questions about stuttering to the Desteni Forum. Thanks!

Oh and my grandson is now applying a similar process to help himself to stop biting his nails. I will share the results as they’re available.

 

“When you’re setting out to change something about yourself it’s not going to happen magically on it’s own – you have to be the driving force behind it. Changing a pattern of behaviour or a thought pattern requires that you actually do the new behaviour that you want to live and stop the old behaviour. This concept of fake it till you become it is exactly it – you have to practice and push yourself to do things and behave in ways that are outside your comfort zone and that may seem scary.
The first important thing you must make sure of is that that fear of “what if (I do it badly, it ends up being the wrong choice, I can’t do it…)” doesn’t stop you. Obviously changing yourself is going to need practice, so you won’t get it perfect the first (or second, or third, or even hundredth) time – but you have to keep practicing until you become the new pattern that you feel will benefit, the pattern that you actually want to live in your life.” Cerise Poolman

 

Check out the FREE online course and Learn Essential Life skills:
Desteni I Process Lite


A Must Hear Series: Parenting – Perfecting the Human Race

 

Blogs to Read that go Great with the topic of this Blog:

Day 26 – Me as a Weakling Polar B(F)ear – Part 1

Day 27 – Me as a Weakling Polar B(F)ear – Part 2

Day 256 – SF/SCS on Day 237 – On Taking Security Measures All The Time

Day 245 The great Gifts ( And Downfalls) Of Being an Introvert – Is Change possible?

Part 2: The Great Gifts ( and Downfalls) Of being an Introvert – Sinking Relationships

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Day 271: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Death of a Relationship – Day 38

To share how one experience themself when someone close to them dies, doesn’t come easy for most of us because the subject of death is one we work hard to avoid. I mean on the one hand we want to talk with others about how shocked we are from the loss of a loved-one through a sudden or unexpected death, yet on the other hand, the topic of death itself triggers our ultimate fear, our fear of death and dying.
death of a relationship
Since being diagnosed some 10 months ago with Breast Cancer, I’ve been investigating my fear of death, even still it is very uncomfortable when death hits close to home.  It’s like looking behind yourself, to your past to see yourself, yet knowing full well within yourself,  that you did not see ‘it’ coming, ‘it’ being ‘death’, which always brings with it, the ‘death of a relationship’.

My favorite uncle was admitted into the hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia, and this is an all to familiar road because in my family, my mother and my brother, both died from pneumonia, and then now, my uncle has died from it as well, he was 53.

My uncle was one of the funniest people I’ve ever been around, and I wish I would have called him a month ago when the thought of doing so was triggered when my daughter mentioned she’d seen him where she had been working that day.

This time as the news of the death of a close family member came, I became oddly aware of how it was like for a moment, time stood still and for a split second I saw no difference between death and life. Meaning in how we exist here, acting like we’re life,  all the while existing like the living dead in how we accept and allow things like war, poverty and starvation to exist.  All I know is, that in that moment,  life and death seemed oddly the same and if only for a moment, there was no evidence within me of fear.

The moment of having no fear was of course fleeting, and I watched as I allowed myself to get sucked into the memories of the relationship I had with my uncle.  I remained aware of how my mind wanted to indulge in an enjoyable recollection of past events which came with an uncomfortable feeling of regret, guilt and sadness.  An all to familiar feeling within my mind that comes with the death of a relationship.

For the moment, this is all I can share,  but I will be watching and reading Heaven‘s Blog, because the specific context that’s being walked is about when something unexpected happens within one’s world that is personally-traumatic, where one go into an absolute mental and physical shock.

This will prove to be very assisting for how I’ve experienced myself the last couple of weeks – in how I felt ‘hectic’ inside myself when the fact is, it was hectic because of how within my mind I’ve been grieving within the fear of loss.  Basically, I’ve participated within and as the energy of regret, guilt and sadness while facing my ultimate fear, my fear of death and dying…

Alright, that’s all for now.

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Be Sure to Read:
Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479

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Day 176: After Death Communication – Part 25

“This World Is, Practically Speaking: Judgment Day. You’re Living it, Every day, Every breath. You are Living, Your Judgment. And, as you Judge, whether it is to Pretend that you are More than Life, or that you are the Product of Allowed Abuse, and thus Less than it : you are the One that Choose. You are the one that Decide. You are the One that Determine. You are the One that Allow. You are the One that Accept. You are the One Who will Find, that what is Here, is what is Hereafter. Unless you Change, while you’re Here, Proven Steadfastly, that you have In Fact Changed, Consistently, Breath by Breath, Never to Again Allow Life to Fall under your Self Interested Judgment; unless you Walk this in such a Steadfast Way that you will Never be Doubted, because you Never Doubt yourself, because You Will Stand regardless of what it Takes, to Bring About that Which is Best for Life, in Every Way, Always: You’ll Not be Worthy of Life.

And, because you don’t know when your Last Breath is, I suggest: You Stand Fast, and then Remain Steadfast. Because, by Now, Commonsense should Show you, that when you Die – All that Happens to the Dead, is that the Living try and keep their Memory Alive.” Bernard Poolman

Day 267: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Money Trap – Day 37

Just talking about Money, or rather the lack of it causes me to feel dis-ease within myself. I become uncomfortable inside my skin and it’s like I’m suddenly trapped and the fact is, we’re All trapped in a deadly Money System that thrives off of the suffering of others…

The other night I wrote a blog that I titled:  Day 264: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Cost of Alternative Cancer Treatments and How Living Income Guaranteed is the Solution – Day 35

I wrote the following sentence:

“All in all, we spend approximately $800 US Dollars every month on the things I absolutely have to have in order to get well.” 

And then today, my partner was saying to me how the amount of money we spend every month purchasing the things that I absolutely have to have in order to specifically follow the alternative cancer treatment plan that I’ve chosen,  is way more than I said it was.  As I heard him say those words , of course I knew that he was correct, because pretty much 75% of everythimg that we spend money on is what I require if I’m to be successful in getting well with my treatment plan for breast cancer.

that thing called moneyAs I agreed with what my partner was saying, I knew I had to stop and breathe and remain aware of this sort of mini possession my mind was trying to take me into. Instead of allowing myself to go get  stuck in a point of paranoia,  I began to see the practicality in what becomes of the money we spend on my supplies.

A quick glance around my house one might not even know that my home has become my treatment center. A place where, for the first time in my life, I’m putting the welfare of my physical body first and foremost and being responsible for nourishing it – instead of what my mind would prefer by way of wants and desires.

I began to look back to when I first began my daily treatment routine. How me as my mind didn’t take kindly to the routine much less to the fact that there were no excuses allowed to not follow the routine strictly. The first 3 months I became somewhat depressed and felt as if I was mistreating myself.  It was what I’ve learned through applying the tools offered through Desteni I Process that got me through it – where I was able to remain consistent through using how the mind loves the comfort of routine, thus my daily routine has become only things that offer assistance, support and healing for my physical body.

So from the moment my feet touched the floor in the mornings, instead of going for a morning cup of coffee, I had to begin a most unexpected thing. And, In the beginning, my first thought every single day was, ‘I can’t do ‘it’ anymore’. The ‘it’ was, as Dr. Kelley puts it, an absolute necessity for the Cancer Patient, and one that should be done first thing every day within the first hour upon rising in the morning. I had so much resistance to the idea of it in the beginning but now I completely get how the human can direct oneself to change because I’ve been doing ‘it’ every morning now for 10 months and it never crosses my mind to not do it.

What I’m referring to is giving myself a coffee enema. It’s something that I’ve only now become comfortable talking about because now I get it. I understand the importance of the coffee enema. It assists my body to flush out the toxins that are being ingested by the massive amount of pancreatic enzymes that I take.  I also drink 3 ounces of Essiac Tea  3 times a day for detoxification as well.

So the point here is,  how the very mention of money causes me to be distracted from my goal of getting well and remaining focused and consistent. And, it’s important for me to have a reality check for myself because this topic is a sore spot and when my partner mentioned that we spend way more than $800 US Dollars – I immediately became aware of how tense my upper back and chest area became. I began to experience myself as irritated at myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get cancer in the first place. And this is how the mind trips us up and we become sucked into an automated pattern of self interest and self pity where we become afflicted by what’s called the plum disease,  “poor little old me”,   and we begin to describe ourselves with self-deprecating phrases..

Please don’t mistake my meaning, because how I experience life and how you or anyone experiences life on earth matters. Every bit of it. Everyone and Everything that is here is specific whether we understand it or not. The life experience on Earth is the direct result/ consequence of what each one of us accept and allow. Like how we accept and allow poverty and war and dirty politicians, and how we accept and allow the so-called rich and famous to set the standards with regards to who and what’s important within our world.

What’s important is that we don’t stop questioning our reality until we’re absolutely sure that all suffering has come to an end. Because as a Society, WE ARE in Big Trouble. So much so that debt collection is greeted with more support than the issue of the growing number of people around our world who have little to no access to clean drinking water.

Ok, so I’m realizing that I can forgive myself for the blame I’ve put on others instead of seeing the role that I play in how our current world/money system exists. And how I AM able to direct myself to change who I am, to stop any actions of greed in how I’ve lived my life only looking out for me and mine – to instead, be a living example of what it is to Give to another that which I would want given to me. Because what is best is a World where our Earth, our Waters and our Air are given priorities of protection, because they Give Life and since all living beings require these elements then the right to all of them must be given Freely.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself start to get anxious or irritable when the topic of spending money comes up – where within my mind I begin to feel sorry for myself for having to spend so much money on the things that I require to assist my physical body to recover – I stop, I breathe – I slow myself down and I walk with consistency completing those movements that are important in redesigning who I am and how I live my life according to what’s best for all.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that the human is the complete slave of the mind that capitulated with ease, and thus will require extensive time to realize the true nature of the MIND and MONEY.

I commit myself to show that real power is Life and NOT money.

I commit myself to show that equality as the physical interconnectedness realized will end the reign of money and mind as God.

I commit myself to awaken the physical to its true nature and being as Life.

I commit myself to confront those that are possessed by money and mind with Life so they may wake up from their hypnotic sleep.

I commit myself to show that war only exists because of its participants, and that all participants are equally responsible for the abuse of war, and that to allow war through silence, is to be part of war.

I commit myself to show that breathing disciplined, committed to Life as what is best for all Life, will always come to full realization that will end all slavery of Life.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 264: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Cost of Alternative Cancer Treatments and How Living Income Guaranteed is the Solution – Day 35

Today I got a little freaky about the amount of money we’ve been having to spend lately on organic fruits and vegetables, and tea, as well as pancreatic enzymes and vitamins and ALL the other stuff that I have to have as I continue with my Daily Alternative Treatment plan – which includes the Metabolic Diet, which initself  brings about a kind of stability and strengthens and assists in ridding the physical body of cancer.

Lig guaranteed incomeTo give a quick update: My last HCG urine test showed a decrease in cancer from 53.0 to 52.6. This was proof after 6 months that what I’m applying is effective. The end of this month will put me at 10 months of treatment and so I will be sending off another urine sample to see if there has been improvement.

I realized today that when I got a ‘little freaky’, or rather when I become ‘anxious’ about money,  I experience that anxiety in the pit of my stomach – just thinking about spending money sends me reeling in my mind in fear of not having enough of it.

All in all, we spend approximately $800 US Dollars every month on the things I absolutely have to have in order to get well. It doesn’t seem fair for me to complain because I’m fortunate in that I have an amazing supportive partner, who works hard and provides a way where we’re able to get me the things I need.   And,,,The truth is, Everyone should be so fortunate…

I am absolutely certain that if we removed the day to day stress of worrying about whether or not we’ll have enough money for food, or for a home,  or,  will we be able to afford an Education and/or find a job.  Money stresses us out more than we realize and we should take the time to investigate and consider who we’d be,  if we removed all our Money woes – by providing a Living Income for Everyone.

There is absolutely no telling who we’d all become. Our day to day interaction with each other would almost immediately change because we’d begin to stop participating in our mind within the thoughts/fears of not knowing if we’re even going to have, or make enough Money to survive.

Can you imagine never again worrying about whether you’ll have enough of something?

Can you imagine being able to have a place to live in that you can call your own?

Can you imagine going to work because you’re willing to contribute to improving Life on Earth for Everyone, and not just because you have to because you need money?

Can you imagine the enjoyment of Giving to Everyone every opportunity that we ourself would like to Receive?

Imagine how a Living Income Guaranteed will Change Your Life!

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the Daily Life on the Daily Planet of Society Revolves around Pretentious Characters that SWOP Places Depending on the Situation and Context of the Environment a Person find themselves in as the NOW, Creating in Full Knowledge Billions of fake Scenarios Daily where all Participants Pretend to Be a Character just to Suit the Illusion around which Society Revolves.

I commit myself to SHOW that SWOPPING PLACES in the MIND between Characters Deliberately Designed for Survival on Earth, is a Field and Frontier yet to Become Realized by Humanity, and Once this is Understood, Life on Earth will dramatically change, as the Value System will NO Longer Feed the Illusion of the MIND.” Bernard Poolman

Day 148: Swopping Places

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Investigate:

Living Income Guaranteed

Day 260: Mother/Child Relationship Commitment

For Context Please Read:

Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to something and/or someone within an illusion in my mind where I have believed that the nature of abuse within the relationship will forever remain, I stop. Instead I breathe, I see, realize and understand that my mind fears losing the relationship because I have formed a pattern of and as it through my acceptance, when in reality, I am aware that I AM able to change the nature of who I am as the abuse to one that honors All Life unconditionally, equally as one.

I commit myself to stop participating when I see myself wanting to hold on to the specific mother/daughter connection/relationship that I have with my daughter/children in order to solidify who I’ve been within and as superiority because I see, realize and understand that the power of control I’ve demanded over my children has only created a restraint upon their self expression as well as my own. I commit myself to Stop.

I commit myself to direct myself to stop who I am as anger and spite because I see, realize and understand that to remain acting as such is a total disregard for life itself and I realize that I’m not actually angry at anyone or anything but myself, that I’m actually angry and spiteful within for how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become in my mind in total disregard for who I am as my physical body and for the consequences that doing so creates within and as my world/physical body and reality.

I commit myself to Stop reacting in cycles of abusive patterns of reaction to/towards my daughter/children because I see, realize and understand that I am aware of when the anger rises from within my solar plexus and I understand that I have that moment in breath where I can direct myself to change the very nature of the relationship to one that is supportive, giving and celebratory.

I commit myself to stop my personal self interest and to stop myself from going into a traumatized state of mind when I see that my relationship with someone is changing and instead I commit myself to investigate and practice introspecting with regards to what it is that I have learned from the relationship and how has the relationship enriched my mind, myself and my life and living.
EqualifeI commit myself to slowing down, to breathe, and to in self honesty really look at the relationships within my life and actually learn from them and through learning from them change my living and my behavior.

I commit myself to opening up a connection with my daughter/children to see, realize and understand that it’s opening up within me a particular part of me or a particular expression, or a particular characteristic that I had not yet recognized inside myself that I have accessed through the relationship and I commit myself to allow myself to see the unique expression that each relationship I have with another is a gift for me to recognize about myself.

I commit myself to investigate what is my daughter/my child showing of me that I haven’t recognized or lived within myself and what is it of me that I am accessing in relationship with them and in that to see the gift they are giving.

Therefore, I commit myself to stop the mind relationship where I attach another into my mind and make them a part of an energetic episode of spite and anger, to thus stop my fear of things changing and/or stopping the projection of things changing, and to instead live in the moment, to see what I can learn from others from myself everyday and to make the most out of every moment of breath so that together we can focus on changing our world to one where All abuse and suffering such as poverty can be stopped, because in seeing ourselves in another we will learn/accept the gift of giving as we’d like to receive.

I commit myself to be more directive in my life with regards to the relationships within my life, to become more intimate and grateful for the gifts that the connections these relationships have afforded me throughout my life.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Parents are not Instructed how to Instruct Children and are thus Not Qualified to be Instructors and are thus Destructors that will even Defend their Right to Destroy their Children in spite of the Fact that if one’s not Trained in Effective Direct Instruction, one is in fact Not Qualified to have Children under one’s Supervision and would Never Employ someone Unqualified to do a Job – yet the most Important Job on Earth, which is to Instruct Newborn Children, is allowed to be Instructed by Unqualified, Inadequate Trainers – resulting in a World where No One is in fact Ever Qualified or Instructed to be part of a Society that is Best for All Present on Earth; and Although lip service is paid to Ideals like ‘Love thy Neighbor as Thyself’ it is Never Actualized as the Parent as New Life Unqualified Instruction Never Learned the Practical Implication where ‘Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself’ actually Exists.

I commit myself to SHOW that All Education and Intellect on Earth is Based on the Foundation of Ignorance to Disregard the fact that the Initial Instructions of a New Born Child were Inadequate and thus at Root Cause for a World and Society that live in Ways that Do Not Honor Life or Each other, but only Honor Survival as Successful Living.

I commit myself to SHOW that No One can Walk the Path of Self Correction as What is Best for All Life without Instructions, as the Way to Life is Not In the Inner Structure of the Human, and thus the Desteni-I-Process is of Essential Importance if One is Ready to Face the Nature of a World of Ignorance.” Bernard Poolman

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Support Living Income Guaranteed

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How to Successfully Commit to the Relationship

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Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

For Context Please Read: Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and not want to let things go within the nature of abuse existent in and as those I have formed relationships with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to something and/or someone within my mind within an illusion where I believe the nature of the relationship will forever remain as the illusion I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the specific connection with my daughter in order to solidify who I am within and as superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let go of who I become in superiority in the presence of my daughter in/as anger and spite that a part of me will die even though I existed even before the connection between us was there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and create the illusion that who I am as anger and spite will never change.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

letting go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the relationship I have with my daughter for fear that if I let go and change the nature of our relationship that then I won’t have a relationship with her at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how my relationship is with my daughter is how the relationship will always be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and cycle within the same abusive patterns toward my daughter over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the relationship I have with my daughter to how I see that other mother/daughter relationships exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up mentally, emotionally and physically to be traumatized when something changes within my world and my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in how I reacted and/or responded to things changing within my relationship to my daughter and/or to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control my daughter and/or another being, another beings mind or their life because in fact I have no idea what they have planned for themselves and their life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the connection I have with my daughter where a long time ago I projected my ideas and beliefs and plans for her life onto her, when really, they were the plans of my mind and have thus been held in self-interest and motivated in feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the drama that I’ve bestowed upon my children while I sought to control them through superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to be grateful and celebratory of my children because of my lack of understanding of the connection between myself and my children within my mind which lead me to go into a point of a personal self interest when the relationship changes instead of investigating how having the relationship has enriched my life and living.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that letting go is stopping the fear of loss and lonelyness and inner struggle.

more to come…

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“Who we are Today as Humanity started at Home, it started in each one’s Personal Life, it started in Your Thoughts and How you made Those Thoughts Physical and How you have Taken that Into your Personal and Interpersonal-Relationships and How you Took that into the Universal Relationship of What is Acceptable in this World.

So: Do Thoughts Create Reality? No, but In a situation where Thought is Not Understood, Can One Create Reality with Thought? Certainly. The Problem is that If one takes the Personal into the Universal you will create the Same Issues You have Within-You in the Bigger System, but it is Not Reality, it is the Illusion because Thought is an Illusion. So: Can Thought Create an Illusion? Yes, certainly, that’s what it Really Does, it Doesn’t Create Reality.

Reality is that there are a Lot of Beings on Earth All Essentially from the Origin of Life with Equal Life within Each One, If one Applies that at the Personal, Interpersonal and Universal Level, you will have a World of Harmony and Peace because one will Care about Another and as much as You would Care about Yourself, You Will Give to Another as You Would Like to Receive Yourself. You would be Balanced Human and You Will Not have an Illusion that Controls Who You Are at a Personal Level, who you are in the Interpersonal Level and Who you Become within the Universal Level.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

My daughter said to me today, she said mom, you’re just ‘Mean’. Her and her partner and my 3 year old granddaughter have been living with us for almost a year and having them here has been quite the challenge for us all but still, to hear her say those words to me wasn’t easy. It really wasn’t surprising to hear because it’s a point that I avoid facing in myself. It’s actually a point of spitefulness and anger and I’m aware that I often exist as such toward her and for that matter toward the world in general. Still, it’s a point I try and cover up, and it’s one I’ve avoided because to realize it about myself is uncomfortable to say the least.

It’s like if I look at it then I’ll have to let it go and I’m afraid of letting go so instead I run away and hide in emotional suppression and in the past I’ve used various addictions/behaviors and/or I’ve become so good at distracting myself that I’ve never given myself the opportunity to see this point through to release it. It’s strange to realize that something so self deMeaning is actually something I fear letting go of.

no more

So it’s time that I ask myself what am I running away from? And why am I accepting the illusion of fear that whoever I’ve become I cannot change?The fact is, a long time ago when I was very young, it was like everything got heavy inside and out, and I began to turn to my thoughts and the imagination of my mind for comfort and to make decisions for me, to decide who I was to become. In doing so I suppressed myself into and as my mind and I became very angry at myself and spiteful for doing so. I quickly learned to direct that anger and spite onto the people in my life and I even created addictions to drugs such as weed and ultimately manifested the polarity of running away and not doing anything but kept myself in the illusion of “just being” when in actuality, I only sunk deeper and deeper into and as my mind in anger and spite.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

It’s an interesting point to come face to face with because the closer I look I realize that it is this very point that has kept me from facing my fear of dying that my having cancer has brought with it. I realize now that I can let go of the anger and spite and face my fear of death only as I first forgive myself and release that which I’ve already lived as. Because how can we ever fully overcome our fear of death if we’ve not yet understood the ‘Meaning’ and the Purpose of Life and the only way to do that is to first in self-honesty, go within to the beginning and face who and what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become… This will require patience and no more waiting.

More to come.

“Patience is a stand within and as oneself where one knows when one has to step back, wait and when one has to act. Patience is to know when to let something / someone go for a moment / a while and when to hold on. Patience is a stand within and as oneself, where – despite not knowing what the outcomes may be: one continue walking / standing here…” ~Sunette Spies, Practical Desteni