To share how one experience themself when someone close to them dies, doesn’t come easy for most of us because the subject of death is one we work hard to avoid. I mean on the one hand we want to talk with others about how shocked we are from the loss of a loved-one through a sudden or unexpected death, yet on the other hand, the topic of death itself triggers our ultimate fear, our fear of death and dying.
Since being diagnosed some 10 months ago with Breast Cancer, I’ve been investigating my fear of death, even still it is very uncomfortable when death hits close to home. It’s like looking behind yourself, to your past to see yourself, yet knowing full well within yourself, that you did not see ‘it’ coming, ‘it’ being ‘death’, which always brings with it, the ‘death of a relationship’.
My favorite uncle was admitted into the hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia, and this is an all to familiar road because in my family, my mother and my brother, both died from pneumonia, and then now, my uncle has died from it as well, he was 53.
My uncle was one of the funniest people I’ve ever been around, and I wish I would have called him a month ago when the thought of doing so was triggered when my daughter mentioned she’d seen him where she had been working that day.
This time as the news of the death of a close family member came, I became oddly aware of how it was like for a moment, time stood still and for a split second I saw no difference between death and life. Meaning in how we exist here, acting like we’re life, all the while existing like the living dead in how we accept and allow things like war, poverty and starvation to exist. All I know is, that in that moment, life and death seemed oddly the same and if only for a moment, there was no evidence within me of fear.
The moment of having no fear was of course fleeting, and I watched as I allowed myself to get sucked into the memories of the relationship I had with my uncle. I remained aware of how my mind wanted to indulge in an enjoyable recollection of past events which came with an uncomfortable feeling of regret, guilt and sadness. An all to familiar feeling within my mind that comes with the death of a relationship.
For the moment, this is all I can share, but I will be watching and reading Heaven‘s Blog, because the specific context that’s being walked is about when something unexpected happens within one’s world that is personally-traumatic, where one go into an absolute mental and physical shock.
This will prove to be very assisting for how I’ve experienced myself the last couple of weeks – in how I felt ‘hectic’ inside myself when the fact is, it was hectic because of how within my mind I’ve been grieving within the fear of loss. Basically, I’ve participated within and as the energy of regret, guilt and sadness while facing my ultimate fear, my fear of death and dying…
Alright, that’s all for now.
Be Sure to Read:
Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479
“This World Is, Practically Speaking: Judgment Day. You’re Living it, Every day, Every breath. You are Living, Your Judgment. And, as you Judge, whether it is to Pretend that you are More than Life, or that you are the Product of Allowed Abuse, and thus Less than it : you are the One that Choose. You are the one that Decide. You are the One that Determine. You are the One that Allow. You are the One that Accept. You are the One Who will Find, that what is Here, is what is Hereafter. Unless you Change, while you’re Here, Proven Steadfastly, that you have In Fact Changed, Consistently, Breath by Breath, Never to Again Allow Life to Fall under your Self Interested Judgment; unless you Walk this in such a Steadfast Way that you will Never be Doubted, because you Never Doubt yourself, because You Will Stand regardless of what it Takes, to Bring About that Which is Best for Life, in Every Way, Always: You’ll Not be Worthy of Life.
And, because you don’t know when your Last Breath is, I suggest: You Stand Fast, and then Remain Steadfast. Because, by Now, Commonsense should Show you, that when you Die – All that Happens to the Dead, is that the Living try and keep their Memory Alive.” Bernard Poolman