Tag Archive | failure

Day 280: Recognizing My Utmost Potential

Today I’ll be sharing how my life experience with having cancer, as well as the walking of my personal process, through writing and investigating who I am as my mind, and through applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, how I’ve been able to show myself that I Can change.  Through this process I’ve come to recognize and realize the potential that exists within me and so the ability to become a living example of the first principle from the Desteni of Living:  1. Realising and living my utmost potential

Before being diagnosed with Breast Cancer ,  I pretty much ate whatever I wanted, and I only slightly questioned the nutritional value if any within the food that I was eating. When I first began my Cancer Treatment Plan, which revolves around the Metabolic Diet, I knew that consistency is key and that I had to follow the plan to a T.

This I’ve been walking for 14 months and the accumulation of doing so is proving effective as I have less cancer in my body at this moment than I did this time last year.

Every day for the first 6 months were very difficult. I was physically weak and often felt mentally drained. I began to realize how dependent I was upon all the relationship energy that I would get when I’d go out to eat with people.  Within the pattern of having a simple cup of coffee with someone, was a shocking amount of emotions to release myself from.   Needless to say, my mind did not take kindly to me removing my favorite comfort foods, and it’s been interesting to become aware of how my physical body can physically repair itself quicker than the time it takes for my mind to forever stop a conditioned thought pattern.  Let me explain.

Who I am as my mind wasn’t getting it’s usual sugar fix and so the negative energetic emotions / reactions and all the thought patterns surrounding the removal of my favorite substance left a void within me that I had to face. The pattern had to be written out and looked at so that I could see the origin point and apply self-forgiveness.  I had to see and understand how I used food as a sort of substitution for myself in that I sought after feelings through food and beverage and without them, my mind would throw a tantrum.  So I had to constantly stop myself from drifting into a depression by focusing on my breathing and immediately applying self-forgiveness.  So but with my physical body, I continue to witness over and over it’s  incredible ability to repair itself from a week of heavy duty pancreatic enzyme therapy,  in just 5 Days!

Ok so going into this treatment plan, I knew I had to make a solid commitment to not waver because the cold hard truth is, my life and me living, depends upon me Not eating the things that provide no nutritional value, like chocolate cake and ice cream and pizza. There is little to no room for soothing or entertaining myself as my mind with junk food because the consequence of doing so, could prove deadly.

So assisting my physical body to clear itself of cancer has assisted me to become aware of myself as it.  And when one stops eating processed foods and the chemicals and preservatives and sugars and gluten, etc., something interesting begins to occur. It’s like the essence of your physical body with all of it’s physical senses, begins to slowly awaken.

The changes I’m referring to have been substantial and are living proof for me that the nature of the human can change because I’ve physically walked the change within and as and for myself.

It was almost 9 months in when I realized, OMG, all the mind chatter and irritation and tantrums with regards to not giving myself certain foods or drinks, have stopped!   And it’s cool because my mind now takes well to me directing myself as it with regards to what I eat to nourish who I am as my physical body.  And I’m aware more than ever  what and when my physical body is asking for a specific food and I’m aware of a balance within taking place.

And I mean,  I used to ‘think’ that I loved and craved pizza and cake but now, those desires and thoughts and the emotions that surrounded them, their mostly gone.  Now when I smell pizza cooking it’s no big deal, though it kind of smells like warmed up garbage to me now and lol, I’m getting better at remaining aware of how I use my words, because telling people that their food smells like a bag of hot trash slightly pisses them off I’ve come to realize.

change is possible

I can also say for sure that I will Never go back to eating processed foods, unless my situation is one where I have no choice in the matter. Because with how broken our current money system is, more and more people cannot afford to eat nutritionally.

Not being able to provide proper food and clean water for oneself is a point within our society that requires direction.   It’s time to re-educate ourselves and investigate what’s healthy for us in providing our physical body with an opportunity to perform as it’s supposed to.

Alright so when I first began my treatment plan, I had no idea how the hell I was going to live without things like, sugar, coffee, bread, pasta, pizza, etc.  Every morning I woke up to my mind complaining it’s way into my day, but no matter, I remained consistant and stuck to my treatment plan with the assistance of writing and self-forgiveness, because who I am as my physical body requires me to do so if I want to continue living, and I do.

So having cancer brought the opportunity for me to walk a practical application of re-designing who I am in relation to food and it’s a process I continue to walk.   I’m one of the lucky ones because I’ve had the tools provided through Desteni I Process to assist myself in taking on my mind through self forgiveness.

So instead of feeding my mind with junk food for entertainment purposes – I now thoroughly enjoy experimenting with new ways to prepare fruits and vegetables and I’m enjoying redefining who I am in relation to food and eating with the purpose to provide balanced nutrition for my physical body – without the need of feelings and emotions which cannot be trusted because I realized the intent behind them.  This then a living example of how I recognized and realized my ability to live my utmost potential.

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Suggest Reading & Following:

The Desteni of Living – My Utmost Potential: DAY 1

The Desteni of Living – Utmost Potential (Part 2): DAY 2

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Day 279: When you say nothing at all

Wanting to blame my partner for how I experience myself is unacceptable, but I want to nonetheless. The thoughts in my head tell the story of how “he” doesn’t have anything to say to me that hasn’t been said a hundred times before. And the thought that comes forth from there is ‘that’s what happens when you’ve been with someone for 22 years’.  As I continue to investigate I realize there’s really something else going on…

When I participate in specific thoughts, an energy arises from within me that begins in the pit of my stomach and ever so slowly moves upward toward my head region. For a moment there is a slight energetic excitement and I realize how within my mind, I want to say something to my partner. I want to tell him how to be and how he should act toward me. I want him to validate me so I can stop ‘feeling bad’ about myself and I mean, how strange is it really to desire such attention and control over another person…

As I stop and breathe,  I realize I’ve been here before.  The experience of self pity is a negative emotion and as I investigate deeper I see how I feel physically and mentally tired – which makes sense considering how when I participate in certain thoughts like, ‘why doesn’t he say something’, how that stimulates and or triggers the emotion of self pity which in itself seeks to reach for some kind of self validation.

why do i feel so badThe thing is, self pity keeps me stuck in a pit within myself. It’s like a pit stop within where I hold myself within a sort of a gut wrenching fear. The fear to look on, to investigate who I am, to continue to READ the story, My Story. To see who I am within what I’m accepting and allowing within my fear to face All of me. As I continue to investigate I am able to see where and when I began to ‘feel bad‘…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for being the reason for me having a negative experience of myself when what’s going on within me actually has nothing at all to do with how my partner is or isn’t behaving.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it’s not always the emotion of self pity that is the source point but actually the outflow consequence of the actual source point which is the ‘feeling bad’ emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a relationship with myself wherein I attack myself within my mind within self judgment statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to self judgment as the thought comes up about myself of, ‘I’m not living up to my full potential‘, and for accepting and allowing myself to become the ‘feeling bad’ emotion through participating in thoughts of self judgment which activates the’ self pity emotion’ and for what follows, which is ‘when’ I begin to seek validation, attention and / or recognition from someone and /or something outside myself such as in this instance, where I began to project frustration and anger to / towards my partner.

When and as I see myself having thoughts that are self judging, I stop. I Breathe. I commit myself to see this as a red flag for me to know it’s time to direct myself, to in self honesty investigate what it is that’s coming up within me that’s creating the ‘energy of feeling bad’ which is actually using my own mind against myself.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I manipulate myself through self judgment and self pity, what I’m doing is reacting to my own mind, where I use whatever thoughts necessary to distract myself, even if it means blaming others, just so long as I don’t have to face who I am as the story and the characters/personalities that I have lived my entire life as.

I commit myself to stop abdicating myself as Life through self judgment, manipulation, blame and self pity.

I commit myself to remain aware of and so Stop abusing myself deliberately through self judgment, which activates feeling bad emotions and me feeling sorry for myself, which leads to the self pity energy.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how to stop and change my relationship to self pity through stopping my participation in the ‘feeling bad’ reaction moment within myself.

I commit myself to utilize my memories as reference points to find when and where and why and towards who or what is it that the ‘feeling bad’ energy keeps activating from and ultimately producing the self pity energy.

I commit myself to let go of the energy of feeling bad and self pity.

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“I suggest, if you can Find it in you – you’re going to have to Look Very Deep to Find this: That you DO STOP, and Start your Process. It is Inevitable. You’re not going to get Away. There is No place to Hide. Every Single Energy, Every Single Thought, Every Single Thing you have EVER, in ANY WAY Conceived – leave a ‘Mark’, in your Book of Life. Make sure – it’s Worth Reading. Because, if it’s Not: There’s going to be a Consequence, and you can’t just ‘Wipe it Out’. You can Only take Responsibility for it through Self-Forgiveness, and from that perspective ‘Delete it’, in as much as, it will No Longer be the ‘You’ that will Create the Future – but, it will be the ‘You’ in the Past. And therefore you will Live in the ‘Present’, in every Moment – Living, Presenting, Being part of That which is Best for All, Always, which is what “Present” encompass, the HERE.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 260: Mother/Child Relationship Commitment

For Context Please Read:

Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

When and as I see myself wanting to hold on to something and/or someone within an illusion in my mind where I have believed that the nature of abuse within the relationship will forever remain, I stop. Instead I breathe, I see, realize and understand that my mind fears losing the relationship because I have formed a pattern of and as it through my acceptance, when in reality, I am aware that I AM able to change the nature of who I am as the abuse to one that honors All Life unconditionally, equally as one.

I commit myself to stop participating when I see myself wanting to hold on to the specific mother/daughter connection/relationship that I have with my daughter/children in order to solidify who I’ve been within and as superiority because I see, realize and understand that the power of control I’ve demanded over my children has only created a restraint upon their self expression as well as my own. I commit myself to Stop.

I commit myself to direct myself to stop who I am as anger and spite because I see, realize and understand that to remain acting as such is a total disregard for life itself and I realize that I’m not actually angry at anyone or anything but myself, that I’m actually angry and spiteful within for how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become in my mind in total disregard for who I am as my physical body and for the consequences that doing so creates within and as my world/physical body and reality.

I commit myself to Stop reacting in cycles of abusive patterns of reaction to/towards my daughter/children because I see, realize and understand that I am aware of when the anger rises from within my solar plexus and I understand that I have that moment in breath where I can direct myself to change the very nature of the relationship to one that is supportive, giving and celebratory.

I commit myself to stop my personal self interest and to stop myself from going into a traumatized state of mind when I see that my relationship with someone is changing and instead I commit myself to investigate and practice introspecting with regards to what it is that I have learned from the relationship and how has the relationship enriched my mind, myself and my life and living.
EqualifeI commit myself to slowing down, to breathe, and to in self honesty really look at the relationships within my life and actually learn from them and through learning from them change my living and my behavior.

I commit myself to opening up a connection with my daughter/children to see, realize and understand that it’s opening up within me a particular part of me or a particular expression, or a particular characteristic that I had not yet recognized inside myself that I have accessed through the relationship and I commit myself to allow myself to see the unique expression that each relationship I have with another is a gift for me to recognize about myself.

I commit myself to investigate what is my daughter/my child showing of me that I haven’t recognized or lived within myself and what is it of me that I am accessing in relationship with them and in that to see the gift they are giving.

Therefore, I commit myself to stop the mind relationship where I attach another into my mind and make them a part of an energetic episode of spite and anger, to thus stop my fear of things changing and/or stopping the projection of things changing, and to instead live in the moment, to see what I can learn from others from myself everyday and to make the most out of every moment of breath so that together we can focus on changing our world to one where All abuse and suffering such as poverty can be stopped, because in seeing ourselves in another we will learn/accept the gift of giving as we’d like to receive.

I commit myself to be more directive in my life with regards to the relationships within my life, to become more intimate and grateful for the gifts that the connections these relationships have afforded me throughout my life.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Parents are not Instructed how to Instruct Children and are thus Not Qualified to be Instructors and are thus Destructors that will even Defend their Right to Destroy their Children in spite of the Fact that if one’s not Trained in Effective Direct Instruction, one is in fact Not Qualified to have Children under one’s Supervision and would Never Employ someone Unqualified to do a Job – yet the most Important Job on Earth, which is to Instruct Newborn Children, is allowed to be Instructed by Unqualified, Inadequate Trainers – resulting in a World where No One is in fact Ever Qualified or Instructed to be part of a Society that is Best for All Present on Earth; and Although lip service is paid to Ideals like ‘Love thy Neighbor as Thyself’ it is Never Actualized as the Parent as New Life Unqualified Instruction Never Learned the Practical Implication where ‘Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself’ actually Exists.

I commit myself to SHOW that All Education and Intellect on Earth is Based on the Foundation of Ignorance to Disregard the fact that the Initial Instructions of a New Born Child were Inadequate and thus at Root Cause for a World and Society that live in Ways that Do Not Honor Life or Each other, but only Honor Survival as Successful Living.

I commit myself to SHOW that No One can Walk the Path of Self Correction as What is Best for All Life without Instructions, as the Way to Life is Not In the Inner Structure of the Human, and thus the Desteni-I-Process is of Essential Importance if One is Ready to Face the Nature of a World of Ignorance.” Bernard Poolman

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Support Living Income Guaranteed

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How to Successfully Commit to the Relationship

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Day 259: Forgiving Holding-on

For Context Please Read: Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and not want to let things go within the nature of abuse existent in and as those I have formed relationships with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to something and/or someone within my mind within an illusion where I believe the nature of the relationship will forever remain as the illusion I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the specific connection with my daughter in order to solidify who I am within and as superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I let go of who I become in superiority in the presence of my daughter in/as anger and spite that a part of me will die even though I existed even before the connection between us was there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and create the illusion that who I am as anger and spite will never change.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

letting go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the relationship I have with my daughter for fear that if I let go and change the nature of our relationship that then I won’t have a relationship with her at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how my relationship is with my daughter is how the relationship will always be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and cycle within the same abusive patterns toward my daughter over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the relationship I have with my daughter to how I see that other mother/daughter relationships exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself up mentally, emotionally and physically to be traumatized when something changes within my world and my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in how I reacted and/or responded to things changing within my relationship to my daughter and/or to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control my daughter and/or another being, another beings mind or their life because in fact I have no idea what they have planned for themselves and their life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the connection I have with my daughter where a long time ago I projected my ideas and beliefs and plans for her life onto her, when really, they were the plans of my mind and have thus been held in self-interest and motivated in feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the drama that I’ve bestowed upon my children while I sought to control them through superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to be grateful and celebratory of my children because of my lack of understanding of the connection between myself and my children within my mind which lead me to go into a point of a personal self interest when the relationship changes instead of investigating how having the relationship has enriched my life and living.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that letting go is stopping the fear of loss and lonelyness and inner struggle.

more to come…

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“Who we are Today as Humanity started at Home, it started in each one’s Personal Life, it started in Your Thoughts and How you made Those Thoughts Physical and How you have Taken that Into your Personal and Interpersonal-Relationships and How you Took that into the Universal Relationship of What is Acceptable in this World.

So: Do Thoughts Create Reality? No, but In a situation where Thought is Not Understood, Can One Create Reality with Thought? Certainly. The Problem is that If one takes the Personal into the Universal you will create the Same Issues You have Within-You in the Bigger System, but it is Not Reality, it is the Illusion because Thought is an Illusion. So: Can Thought Create an Illusion? Yes, certainly, that’s what it Really Does, it Doesn’t Create Reality.

Reality is that there are a Lot of Beings on Earth All Essentially from the Origin of Life with Equal Life within Each One, If one Applies that at the Personal, Interpersonal and Universal Level, you will have a World of Harmony and Peace because one will Care about Another and as much as You would Care about Yourself, You Will Give to Another as You Would Like to Receive Yourself. You would be Balanced Human and You Will Not have an Illusion that Controls Who You Are at a Personal Level, who you are in the Interpersonal Level and Who you Become within the Universal Level.” Bernard Poolman

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Day 258: Facing Emotional Suppression

My daughter said to me today, she said mom, you’re just ‘Mean’. Her and her partner and my 3 year old granddaughter have been living with us for almost a year and having them here has been quite the challenge for us all but still, to hear her say those words to me wasn’t easy. It really wasn’t surprising to hear because it’s a point that I avoid facing in myself. It’s actually a point of spitefulness and anger and I’m aware that I often exist as such toward her and for that matter toward the world in general. Still, it’s a point I try and cover up, and it’s one I’ve avoided because to realize it about myself is uncomfortable to say the least.

It’s like if I look at it then I’ll have to let it go and I’m afraid of letting go so instead I run away and hide in emotional suppression and in the past I’ve used various addictions/behaviors and/or I’ve become so good at distracting myself that I’ve never given myself the opportunity to see this point through to release it. It’s strange to realize that something so self deMeaning is actually something I fear letting go of.

no more

So it’s time that I ask myself what am I running away from? And why am I accepting the illusion of fear that whoever I’ve become I cannot change?The fact is, a long time ago when I was very young, it was like everything got heavy inside and out, and I began to turn to my thoughts and the imagination of my mind for comfort and to make decisions for me, to decide who I was to become. In doing so I suppressed myself into and as my mind and I became very angry at myself and spiteful for doing so. I quickly learned to direct that anger and spite onto the people in my life and I even created addictions to drugs such as weed and ultimately manifested the polarity of running away and not doing anything but kept myself in the illusion of “just being” when in actuality, I only sunk deeper and deeper into and as my mind in anger and spite.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

It’s an interesting point to come face to face with because the closer I look I realize that it is this very point that has kept me from facing my fear of dying that my having cancer has brought with it. I realize now that I can let go of the anger and spite and face my fear of death only as I first forgive myself and release that which I’ve already lived as. Because how can we ever fully overcome our fear of death if we’ve not yet understood the ‘Meaning’ and the Purpose of Life and the only way to do that is to first in self-honesty, go within to the beginning and face who and what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become… This will require patience and no more waiting.

More to come.

“Patience is a stand within and as oneself where one knows when one has to step back, wait and when one has to act. Patience is to know when to let something / someone go for a moment / a while and when to hold on. Patience is a stand within and as oneself, where – despite not knowing what the outcomes may be: one continue walking / standing here…” ~Sunette Spies, Practical Desteni

Day 257: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Breast Cancer Awareness Month – Day 34

October kicks off with something called ‘The National Breast Cancer Awareness Month’ (NBCAM), which is basically where numerous public service organizations, the medical establishment and government agencies come together to promote breast cancer awareness. Now this whole thing began more than 25 years ago when the National Cancer Institute (NCI) began to raise money to fund their seemingly never ending research into Cancer.

“The Establishment politicians passed legislation to declare WAR upon CANCER. Thus, they went to Fort Detrick and took down the U.S. Army Chemical and Biological Warfare department SIGN. They then placed two signs on the front gate of the facility: on the left, NATIONAL CANCER INSTITUTE (NCI), and on the right, WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION (WHO). This was and is properly ballyhooed by the Establishment Media, and financed to the tune of several hundred Billion Dollars yearly from American taxpayers.” Dr. William Donald Kelley, D.D.S., M.S.

breast cancer aawarenessThe deception runs deep so, I suggest this October, as we begin Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we educate ourselves about what it is we’re actually supporting. I mean, has it come to our awareness as to how much money the elite officials of these organizations earn yearly?

How much of the money raised goes to assist those who actually have cancer? Very little…And, Is the research these funded corporations claim they are doing, has it made any real difference in the Prevention of Cancer? The fact is, the cost of prevention has not even brought about a decrease in Cancer.

In fact, the odds of who will get cancer now, compared to 25 years ago, has actually increased to almost 1 in every 2 people. At the moment, my family is an example of the reality of those facts because in April of this year, (2013), I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then just 2 weeks ago my cousin who’s in her early 40’s, was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. And then just two weeks later, my aunt who’s in her early 70’s, (the mother of my cousin who has thyroid cancer), she was just diagnosed with cancer in both her breasts.  That’s 3 family members who all in the same year have now been diagnosed with Cancer.

So Cancer,  is on the increase. Yet strangely enough we continue to fund the research and accept the current established treatment for Cancer the same way we’ve always done. Not realizing that we’re living the consequences of those decisions and seeing an increase in Cancer.

I mean, to hell with pink.   The statistics should be a red flag for us to question whether or not we’ve reached any Real point of Awareness about how and why our Physical body gets Cancer. So, what is going on within Our Society and Why is Cancer on the increase?

We will find the answer to our question as we take a closer look at the organizations whose research we’re currently funding. In this we can know who is making money off of people getting cancer?

The fact is, no one is providing a solution to Cancer that can be equally available and given to everyone according to what’s best for all.

We’re not yet aware of how much of what we eat and breathe and consume – how All of That – contributes to how our body processes and provides for itself. It’s time we asked how is our consumer-money-drivin lives creating the very disease everyone is scared as hell to be diagnosed with.

Alright so the fact is, we’ve got to Educate ourselves about how and why these organizations are being supported when the facts prove that they are part of the problem, instead of the solution.

“In short, the cancer victims of today face the Establishment enemy within, who are relentless and determined to Plunder and Kill you at any cost. ‘False Hope’ is not my objective. To be realistic, we have two enemies, CANCER and the ESTABLISHMENT. 

There will never be a CURE for Cancer until the Establishment can accomplish their objectives by permitting it. Their primary goals are money and control. What big conglomerate will get the blessings of the Big Establishment? Nothing happens on the world scene that is not planned and designed by The Big Establishment.” Dr. William Donald Kelley, D.D.S., M.S.

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Suggest The Following:

Charity and Activism – why is it a Capitalistic Scheme – Overview – Day 293 

Day 100 – The REAL Veracity of Philanthropy

Day 257: Charity – Celebration of Human Selfishness

Day 81 Crime’s Journey to Life – Charity as Entertainment

Day 158: Prevention is the Best Cure

157. Wishing Well as Self Interest

287. You get Happy with your Paycheck?

Day 79: Charity will not end Poverty

Day 20: The Insanity of Economics – Food Aid Does Not Help the Poor

2012 – Stop Suppression to Stop Possession: Dare to Share 

Human Chains

Day 350: A Living Income Guaranteed will End Charity – for Real

Day 148: Swopping Places

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Day 39: Is Charity Greed?

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that charity has been abused by the corporations to promote their products and distribute them to the poor – while the corporation, at the same time, benefit from tax benefits which place more pressure on the community at large with tax requirements to meet the budgets of a failed system.

I commit myself to show that charity is a criminal act that condemns the poor to a Life of failure and early death because the charitable will not give up their control and will justify the abuse through supporting a failed system in spite of the clear certainty that the system has failed.

I commit myself to question the integrity of activists, and to remind activists that activism should be about a new world system that is best for all life always, and that any activist that cannot stand for what is best, is in fact only an extension of the system of greed that has failed Life in every way.” Bernard Poolman

Day 181: Time to stop yanking my own chain

For context read:
Day 179: Just get it done
Day 180: Just get it done – Part 2

continuing…

Internal Conversation/ back chat Dimension:

I will never get this done

Oh my God I can’t sit still another minute

I need to get finished with this because I have a lot to do

what’s the point, no one really cares anyway

I’ll take a break and finish the rest of this later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go from a negative internal conversation/back chat to creating a physical resistance within myself to sitting down and writing and/or to completing my DIP assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I create a negative experience to being responsible, for example in writing and completing an assignment, therefore the internal conversations which urge me to find something else to do is a way for me to avoid taking responsibility by creating a positive experience out of a negative one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘what’s the point, no one really cares anyway’, that in that moment I am not breathing – that I am existing in self-interest and craving attention from outside myself and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘yank my own chain‘ so to speak, where I allow myself to pull the wool over my own eyes and screw myself over royally in the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘I’ll take a break and finish the rest of this later’, that this is a red flag for myself to stop and breathe and to realize that when I accept and allow myself to fall for this line of bullshit then I must realize I have just bullshitted myself because in the moment of having the internal conversation and back chat is a moment where me as my mind as consciousness has felt threatened and thus will say anything to distract myself from facing myself.

Reaction Dimension:

Feeling overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed, where through fear as a thought/image/memory of my mind and through/as my imagination, I begin to have internal conversations and back chat where I begin to feel overwhelmed, and within me as my mind, I begin to jump to conclusions just so I can get done with writing/self-forgiveness and/or my assignment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being overwhelmed when I experience myself as having a negative experience with regards to being responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feelings of being overwhelmed – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the reaction of feeling overwhelmed is a dimension of the fear that I have of facing who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become which is irresponsible toward myself as well as life itself.

PHYSICAL Dimension

Heaviness in chest and shoulder area

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest symptoms of being a burden to myself within and as my physically body, where when I hurry to be done with myself I didn’t realize that I was separating myself from me as my physical body and changing the very condition of how I experience myself when my imagination, backchat and reactions change from a negative to a positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit my physical body to energetic experiences where my shoulders and chest become heavy and tight and cause physical discomfort because of the manipulation of myself into energy submission of a negative energy experience – instead of realizing that none of the energetic experience is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after a positive experience to end a negative experience of myself and within that not realize the toll my physical body is taking in that it pays for any and all participation that I concede to within and as me as my mind as consciousness.

CONSEQUENCE Dimension

Regret

Shame

Guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of allowing myself to be persuaded by fear, images, imagination and internal conversations and back chat of and as my mind to the point that I won’t investigate myself further and thus, I time-loop and then, I face regret for having not faced the responsibility of myself when I first began walking the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame within myself for how i have walked my Journey to/of Life in a half-assed way because I am fully aware of how difficult it is to face self in self-honesty and even though I often pretend to fool myself, I know when I’m deceiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for what I have put me as my physical body through and for not putting self-honesty first over the desire to have a positive energetic experience.

I forgive myself for not realizing that when I fall prey to the direction of and as my mind as consciousness that I not only put me as my physical body at risk but that I put our physical world/reality/existence at risk as well.

When and as I become aware of internal conversations/back chat that is serving me up temptations to stop writing/self-forgiveness and finishing my DIP lessons, I stop, I breathe – I see, realize and understand that the internal conversations/back chat is what I have used to distract myself from facing All of me, thus, I commit myself to breathe because when I’m aware of myself breathing I am able to trust myself.

I commit myself to stop pursuing a positive experience in order to pacify me as my mind and instead I commit myself to directing me to remain consistent and self-honest as I continue walking the Journey to Life.

I commit myself to apply common sense, thus when and as my mind tells me that there is something more important to be done than writing/self-forgiveness and/or finishing my DIP lesson, I breathe and see for myself in self-honesty what it is that I must complete so as to walk this life as a living example of being self-responsible according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to show that the mind of man is our own worst enemy and that we use it against ourselves and each other by way of manipulation techniques using money as the motivator to continue to deceive one another. I commit myself to stop and breathe.

I commit myself to stop yanking my own chain, to stop bullshitting myself, because I’m aware when I’m accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself, therefore, I commit myself to breathe and finish what I start when I sit down to write/apply self-forgiveness and/or to complete a DIP lesson.

I commit myself to stop participating in reactions of feeling overwhelmed and instead I direct myself to breathe and focus on who I am here breathing.

I commit myself to stop abdicating myself from life through avoiding taking self-responsibility for myself and for the part I play in manifesting the abusive nature of our current world/money system.

I commit myself to stop submitting me as my physical body to discomfort due to manipulating myself into believing that energetic experiences are real.

I commit myself to become aware of how and where my physical body is affected when I participate in and as thoughts and energy.

I commit myself to become aware of the physical consequences of continuing to hurry and thus jump to conclusions because I see, realize and understand that in doing so, I put myself as my physical body and our physical reality at risk of depleting it of it’s life giving resources.

I commit myself to re-establishing a relationship with myself in self-intimacy.

Day 180: Just get it done – Part 2

For context read: Day 179: Just get it done

Imagination Dimension:

When I’m blogging, writing self-forgiveness and/or finishing an assignment for DIP – I imagine seeing all the things that I still need to do for the day – such as laundry, cooking, cleaning etc – because again, it’s like I’m always looking for a means to an end of how I’m experiencing myself, which is actually rather odd when one actually stops and looks at it. I mean, I see how I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within my mind that it is only when ‘I’m done’ – specifically with my writing/self-forgiveness and/or finishing my DIP assignment – only when I’m done, will I be able to relax and be comfortable, and be able to ‘do what I want to do’ – such as watch t.v. or watch a movie for example. And as a result, I hurry up and just get it done and then end up right back where I started because I didn’t breathe and give myself the opportunity to investigate myself thoroughly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I sit down to write or to work on a DIP assignment, that I go into my mind where I separate myself from myself and my physical reality by participating in allowing myself to imagine how much longer it will take me to finish my writing/assignment, and I forgive myself for how I allow the scene to play out where within my mind I see all the things that I need to finish for the day, such as doing the laundry, cleaning the house and/or fixing supper and within that, I also play out in my mind how much time each task will take before I’m done for the day and how long before I can get comfortable and do what I want to do such as watch tv or a movie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically imagine myself finishing my daily tasks just so I can sit and zone out watching tv or a movie and within that never taking self-responsibility and considering how in doing so I am being manipulated and controlled by my mind as well as continuing to support the nonsense which keeps us enslaved as consciousness through television and movies just to name a few.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve the lie that I can only be happy, relaxed and comfortable when I’m finished with my daily writing/self-forgiveness/DIP assignment, and thus I must hurry up and get done – when the fact is, when I slooooow myself down and breathe, I realize that my daily writing/self-forgiveness and/or my DIP assignment is self-fulfilling in a way that nothing else can compare to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how programmed I am in believing that I have some form of control over myself, when the fact is, I have always been programmed to think and behave and constantly seek to replace a negative experience of myself for a positive one, and within that never actually taking self-responsibility in any way whatsoever for who I am and for what I accept and allow because I’m always to busy chasing after energetic polarities of positive and negative.

When and as I see myself going into my mind and imagine myself as having a positive experience over having what I perceive is a negative experience, I stop, I breathe – Instead, I direct myself to slow myself down and breathe and to realize that as i continue to walk this point through in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application in and as the physical, that I will begin to change and redesign who I am as one who is walking this life as a living example of what it is to take self-responsibility for myself and my world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to stop who I am when I imagine scenarios within my mind where I distract myself to believe that I don’t have time, that I must hurry and ‘get it done’ so that then I can be comfortable, because I see, realize and understand that being comfortable within the idea of needing to hurry is a perception of and as my mind as consciousness, rooted in self-interest and that ultimately, all I’m ever actually doing is repeating the same cycles of myself over and over going from a negative to a positive experience and never actually reaching a point of physical comfort.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated and directed by me as my mind as consciousness and to instead direct myself as my mind to commit myself to writing, self-forgiveness. self-corrective application and completing my DIP assignments because I see, realize and understand how the application of each one supports me to trust myself for the first time in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am always trading comfortability over self-responsibility and within that never stopping to consider how egotistical it is to exist where I am always motivated through self-interest and greed because my idea of being comfortable requires money to purchase the things that I have accepted and allowed to make me ‘feel’ comfortable: such as food, the internet, movie rentals and/or comfortable furnishings.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself activating the ‘just get it done’ character, where in my imagination I play out scenarios that lead me to my mind’s idea of comfort, I stop, I breathe – I direct myself to remain here with myself and complete what needs to be done in my immediate physical reality, to direct/will myself to stop participating and continue with writing/self-forgiveness/my assignment in realizing that I am giving to myself the opportunity to change myself from the inside out and thus assist in changing our world to one according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself where I compromise myself and my responsibilities to myself and my world because I give in to energetic experiences and allow my imagination to get the better of me – instead of breathing and practically getting things done that I see, realize and understand in self-honesty is required of me in order to assist and support myself to stop the vicious cycles of self-abuse and abuse unto life itself.

I commit myself to STOP abusing myself through self-sabotage where I accept and allow myself to give in and participate in my imagination of wanting, seeking and desiring to have a positive energetic experience.

I commit myself to stop placing want, need, desire and energy before taking self-responsibility for who I am living within me and my world.

In my next blog I will continue with investigating the Internal Conversation/ back chat Dimension of the ‘Just get it done’ character

Day 179: Just get it done

I did it again.  I get in a hurry when I’m writing and become this ‘Just get it done’ Character.  Weird.  I wanna hurry up and get done with me??   In doing so, I jump to conclusions while investigating myself and within that I miss specific points and leave myself feeling incomplete and uncommitted.  Which is how I create stupidity loops for myself. I stop, I breathe. Here, I begin again as I investigate the dimensions of the ‘Just get it done’ character.

Fear Dimension:
I fear:
Not having enough time

I’m missing out on doing something ‘more fun’

I’m not good enough to see all the points for myself

that what I write will be rejected by others

asking for assistance because I don’t want to be a burden to others

discipline and structuring of self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don’t have time to be thorough when I am writing and facing who I am and,  I see, realize and understand that in allowing myself to hurry that I then jump to conclusions with regards to a point that I’m walking and that in doing so I am neglecting everything about about myself and any and all commitments that I have made to/for myself and to/for and in support of life itself.

When and as I’m writing and taking time for me and I begin to experience myself as wanting to hurry up and get it done, I stop, I breathe – I see, realize and understand that this is a character of and as my mind that I long ago as a child accepted and allowed myself to be, and in doing so I’ve never actually taken the time to develop self-intimacy or self-honesty within and as myself. Thus I commit myself to develop self-intimacy with myself through giving to me the gift of seeing who I am in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurry and want to be done with myself, where I then jump to a conclusion and then overlook important points of self to forgive of/as the characters and personalities of and as my mind and I see how within those moments where I hurry that I am existing in fear that I am missing out on doing something that is ‘more fun’ when the fact is, the fear itself is a negative energy experience that I’m wanting to escape from.

When I’m writing and/or doing assignments and as I see myself becoming in a hurry to just get it done because me as my mind has come to a conclusion  – within the desire that there must be something ‘more fun’ to do, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am attempting to distract myself through avoiding my own perception of having a negative energy experience, thus I get in a hurry because I’m wanting to have a positive energy experience – one that I can use to distract myself from facing myself and taking self-responsibility for who I am as my mind as consciousness and for the part that I play in how our world/money system currently exist, therefore, I commit myself to slow down and breathe and stop accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by the desire to have a positive energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I’m not capable of applying myself effectively in order to disembody and forgive the characters and personalities of and as me as my mind.

I commit myself to show myself through breathing and self-forgiveness that I am capable of trusting myself in self-honesty to redesign and realign myself with life according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear that what I write will be rejected by others that what I’m really doing is using self-judgment as a means of self-sabotage and self-rejection.

When and as I see myself in fear of rejection from others, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that what I fear from others is what I exist as in fear of and as self. Thus, I commit myself to re-establish and re-dedicate myself to walking the Journey to Life, the process of self-forgiveness and self-honesty – to stand up for and as a world where abuse unto all living beings is stopped and forgiven, where all living beings are supported through an Equal Money system so that life will stop being survived and instead, we begin living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear asking for assistance because I don’t want to be seen as a burden to others – that when I do that it’s actually a way that I manipulate myself to feel sorry for myself and within that I justify what I’ve accepted and allowed which keeps me avoiding me, keeps me from giving myself the time of day so to speak,  because I’ve not seen myself as worthy of my own time to investigate who I am within the madness that exists here on earth.

I commit myself to breathe and stop accepting and allowing myself to justify and manipulate myself, to instead direct myself to walk the points I’m facing through in self-corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the discipline and structuring that the process of self-forgiveness gives to self, because when me as my mind as the consciousness structure that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed as becomes threatened, I experience myself as wanting to run away, thus I stop, I breathe.

I commit myself to continue to investigate and forgive who I am and what I’ve accepted and allowed and have been directed as as my mind of/as consciousness, to thus assist myself to stand up in support of an Equal Money System so that each one here on earth my be provided for, to relieve the stress of trying to survive and thus give way for individual self-realizations to ultimately bring about a world that’s best for all.

Thought Dimension

The thought I have as a character of and as my mind who just wants to get it done is one where I see myself with my chin up and my shoulders slumped – just like when I was a child.  Where I would become irritated when I didn’t get my way to do what I wanted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as a picture/image to emerge from within my conscious mind where I am once again looking at the point of becoming irritated as a child when I didn’t get my way for one reason or another, and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the bottom line is/has always been that i felt like I was misunderstood and taken for granted and abused, first by my parents, but always blaming someone for the negative experiences I would have of myself – where never once within all the time I spent feeling sorry for myself within my mind did I consider that ‘the problem’ as I saw it, was/is Not ‘out there’, but was/is within and as me – in that I’ve never taken complete responsibility for me, for the thoughts and feelings and emotions that I have participated within and as and for the energetic highs and lows I sought after – as well as for the part I play in manifesting how and why our world/money system currently exists as the hell that it is.

When and as I see myself existing as a character of and as my mind where I desire to hurry and just get done  – specifically my writing and self-forgiveness – where I become aware of the thought as a picture/image of myself as a child where I’m irritated with my chin up and shoulders slumped, I stop, I breathe – instead I direct myself to give the moment to myself to see, realize and understand that there is nothing to hurry up and be done with, that I am always here with the ability to know myself intimately, thus, I commit myself to forgive myself for rushing past myself so that I could go after an energetic high that I believed would make me feel better, when the fact is it never did, thus, I see, realize and understand the importance of facing me in self-honesty.

I commit myself to when and as I see this thought manifesting in my mind when I’m facing a moment of self-discipline and self-responsibility within the context of writing, self-forgiveness and completing an assignment, I stop, I breathe – I stop all participation in and as the thought and I direct myself to continue as I speak the words as who I am as “I am capable of getting this done”, as I physically move myself to complete my writing/self-forgiveness/assignment.

I commit myself to stop following after an energetic experience of myself as a way of avoiding facing myself and becoming self-responsible for who I am as the actions of/as me and for what I have been willing to accept and allow to exist within and as our world/money system.

I commit myself to getting to know who I am in self-honesty and self-intimately.

In my next blog I will continue with investigating the Imagination Dimension of the ‘Just get it done’ character

Day 162: Blast from the Past

Today I received a phone call from a friend from my past that I haven’t spoken to in just over 5 years. The first thing I noticed when we started talking was an awkward silence and the realization that the connection we used to have between us, was simply not there.

However, our mind uses memory to compensate for those moments of awkwardness and it wasn’t long before the manipulation tactics began and I became aware of the familiarity in how our minds were seeking to rekindle those old feelings we once believed were so special between us. In a flash of a moment I was reminded of the direction that I had once chosen as I accepted and allowed my mind to guide me in the direction that would best benefit the self-interest of us both. I sat there looking within myself and realized that here was a peculiar moment I was fortunate to be witness to.

In one sense, the future as my past with the friend and me appeared the same as it had always been and yet, the fact of the matter was, something was entirely different, changed. It was then that I breathed in the relief that it was me who had moved from that particular space and time and was walking in a completely different direction.

I was surely grateful for the moment.  And, I am grateful for the Life Skills I’ve learned and applied through Desteni I Process, because that is how I’ve been able to assist myself to decide who I am within this moment, and for the clarity of my choice in the direction I am walking – to not settle for anything less than the decision I stand by and as, to walk my life according to what’s best for all.

LOL,, was interesting, how the phone call just sort of ended, with barely even a good bye.

Above Artwork by Lindsay Craver