Tag Archive | ghosts

Day 271: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Death of a Relationship – Day 38

To share how one experience themself when someone close to them dies, doesn’t come easy for most of us because the subject of death is one we work hard to avoid. I mean on the one hand we want to talk with others about how shocked we are from the loss of a loved-one through a sudden or unexpected death, yet on the other hand, the topic of death itself triggers our ultimate fear, our fear of death and dying.
death of a relationship
Since being diagnosed some 10 months ago with Breast Cancer, I’ve been investigating my fear of death, even still it is very uncomfortable when death hits close to home.  It’s like looking behind yourself, to your past to see yourself, yet knowing full well within yourself,  that you did not see ‘it’ coming, ‘it’ being ‘death’, which always brings with it, the ‘death of a relationship’.

My favorite uncle was admitted into the hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia, and this is an all to familiar road because in my family, my mother and my brother, both died from pneumonia, and then now, my uncle has died from it as well, he was 53.

My uncle was one of the funniest people I’ve ever been around, and I wish I would have called him a month ago when the thought of doing so was triggered when my daughter mentioned she’d seen him where she had been working that day.

This time as the news of the death of a close family member came, I became oddly aware of how it was like for a moment, time stood still and for a split second I saw no difference between death and life. Meaning in how we exist here, acting like we’re life,  all the while existing like the living dead in how we accept and allow things like war, poverty and starvation to exist.  All I know is, that in that moment,  life and death seemed oddly the same and if only for a moment, there was no evidence within me of fear.

The moment of having no fear was of course fleeting, and I watched as I allowed myself to get sucked into the memories of the relationship I had with my uncle.  I remained aware of how my mind wanted to indulge in an enjoyable recollection of past events which came with an uncomfortable feeling of regret, guilt and sadness.  An all to familiar feeling within my mind that comes with the death of a relationship.

For the moment, this is all I can share,  but I will be watching and reading Heaven‘s Blog, because the specific context that’s being walked is about when something unexpected happens within one’s world that is personally-traumatic, where one go into an absolute mental and physical shock.

This will prove to be very assisting for how I’ve experienced myself the last couple of weeks – in how I felt ‘hectic’ inside myself when the fact is, it was hectic because of how within my mind I’ve been grieving within the fear of loss.  Basically, I’ve participated within and as the energy of regret, guilt and sadness while facing my ultimate fear, my fear of death and dying…

Alright, that’s all for now.

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Be Sure to Read:
Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479

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Day 176: After Death Communication – Part 25

“This World Is, Practically Speaking: Judgment Day. You’re Living it, Every day, Every breath. You are Living, Your Judgment. And, as you Judge, whether it is to Pretend that you are More than Life, or that you are the Product of Allowed Abuse, and thus Less than it : you are the One that Choose. You are the one that Decide. You are the One that Determine. You are the One that Allow. You are the One that Accept. You are the One Who will Find, that what is Here, is what is Hereafter. Unless you Change, while you’re Here, Proven Steadfastly, that you have In Fact Changed, Consistently, Breath by Breath, Never to Again Allow Life to Fall under your Self Interested Judgment; unless you Walk this in such a Steadfast Way that you will Never be Doubted, because you Never Doubt yourself, because You Will Stand regardless of what it Takes, to Bring About that Which is Best for Life, in Every Way, Always: You’ll Not be Worthy of Life.

And, because you don’t know when your Last Breath is, I suggest: You Stand Fast, and then Remain Steadfast. Because, by Now, Commonsense should Show you, that when you Die – All that Happens to the Dead, is that the Living try and keep their Memory Alive.” Bernard Poolman

Day 267: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Money Trap – Day 37

Just talking about Money, or rather the lack of it causes me to feel dis-ease within myself. I become uncomfortable inside my skin and it’s like I’m suddenly trapped and the fact is, we’re All trapped in a deadly Money System that thrives off of the suffering of others…

The other night I wrote a blog that I titled:  Day 264: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Cost of Alternative Cancer Treatments and How Living Income Guaranteed is the Solution – Day 35

I wrote the following sentence:

“All in all, we spend approximately $800 US Dollars every month on the things I absolutely have to have in order to get well.” 

And then today, my partner was saying to me how the amount of money we spend every month purchasing the things that I absolutely have to have in order to specifically follow the alternative cancer treatment plan that I’ve chosen,  is way more than I said it was.  As I heard him say those words , of course I knew that he was correct, because pretty much 75% of everythimg that we spend money on is what I require if I’m to be successful in getting well with my treatment plan for breast cancer.

that thing called moneyAs I agreed with what my partner was saying, I knew I had to stop and breathe and remain aware of this sort of mini possession my mind was trying to take me into. Instead of allowing myself to go get  stuck in a point of paranoia,  I began to see the practicality in what becomes of the money we spend on my supplies.

A quick glance around my house one might not even know that my home has become my treatment center. A place where, for the first time in my life, I’m putting the welfare of my physical body first and foremost and being responsible for nourishing it – instead of what my mind would prefer by way of wants and desires.

I began to look back to when I first began my daily treatment routine. How me as my mind didn’t take kindly to the routine much less to the fact that there were no excuses allowed to not follow the routine strictly. The first 3 months I became somewhat depressed and felt as if I was mistreating myself.  It was what I’ve learned through applying the tools offered through Desteni I Process that got me through it – where I was able to remain consistent through using how the mind loves the comfort of routine, thus my daily routine has become only things that offer assistance, support and healing for my physical body.

So from the moment my feet touched the floor in the mornings, instead of going for a morning cup of coffee, I had to begin a most unexpected thing. And, In the beginning, my first thought every single day was, ‘I can’t do ‘it’ anymore’. The ‘it’ was, as Dr. Kelley puts it, an absolute necessity for the Cancer Patient, and one that should be done first thing every day within the first hour upon rising in the morning. I had so much resistance to the idea of it in the beginning but now I completely get how the human can direct oneself to change because I’ve been doing ‘it’ every morning now for 10 months and it never crosses my mind to not do it.

What I’m referring to is giving myself a coffee enema. It’s something that I’ve only now become comfortable talking about because now I get it. I understand the importance of the coffee enema. It assists my body to flush out the toxins that are being ingested by the massive amount of pancreatic enzymes that I take.  I also drink 3 ounces of Essiac Tea  3 times a day for detoxification as well.

So the point here is,  how the very mention of money causes me to be distracted from my goal of getting well and remaining focused and consistent. And, it’s important for me to have a reality check for myself because this topic is a sore spot and when my partner mentioned that we spend way more than $800 US Dollars – I immediately became aware of how tense my upper back and chest area became. I began to experience myself as irritated at myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get cancer in the first place. And this is how the mind trips us up and we become sucked into an automated pattern of self interest and self pity where we become afflicted by what’s called the plum disease,  “poor little old me”,   and we begin to describe ourselves with self-deprecating phrases..

Please don’t mistake my meaning, because how I experience life and how you or anyone experiences life on earth matters. Every bit of it. Everyone and Everything that is here is specific whether we understand it or not. The life experience on Earth is the direct result/ consequence of what each one of us accept and allow. Like how we accept and allow poverty and war and dirty politicians, and how we accept and allow the so-called rich and famous to set the standards with regards to who and what’s important within our world.

What’s important is that we don’t stop questioning our reality until we’re absolutely sure that all suffering has come to an end. Because as a Society, WE ARE in Big Trouble. So much so that debt collection is greeted with more support than the issue of the growing number of people around our world who have little to no access to clean drinking water.

Ok, so I’m realizing that I can forgive myself for the blame I’ve put on others instead of seeing the role that I play in how our current world/money system exists. And how I AM able to direct myself to change who I am, to stop any actions of greed in how I’ve lived my life only looking out for me and mine – to instead, be a living example of what it is to Give to another that which I would want given to me. Because what is best is a World where our Earth, our Waters and our Air are given priorities of protection, because they Give Life and since all living beings require these elements then the right to all of them must be given Freely.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself start to get anxious or irritable when the topic of spending money comes up – where within my mind I begin to feel sorry for myself for having to spend so much money on the things that I require to assist my physical body to recover – I stop, I breathe – I slow myself down and I walk with consistency completing those movements that are important in redesigning who I am and how I live my life according to what’s best for all.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that the human is the complete slave of the mind that capitulated with ease, and thus will require extensive time to realize the true nature of the MIND and MONEY.

I commit myself to show that real power is Life and NOT money.

I commit myself to show that equality as the physical interconnectedness realized will end the reign of money and mind as God.

I commit myself to awaken the physical to its true nature and being as Life.

I commit myself to confront those that are possessed by money and mind with Life so they may wake up from their hypnotic sleep.

I commit myself to show that war only exists because of its participants, and that all participants are equally responsible for the abuse of war, and that to allow war through silence, is to be part of war.

I commit myself to show that breathing disciplined, committed to Life as what is best for all Life, will always come to full realization that will end all slavery of Life.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 265: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – On Death and Dying – Day 36

Every once in awhile I’ll have a day where what’s going on in my mind is a repeating pattern of specific memories, memories that I’ve given value to according to an experience from my past.  These particular memories mostly include members of my family who have died, like for instance my mom, my brother and/or my sister.   The memories are accompanied with a strange feel good sadness where I reminisce as I indulge in an enjoyable recollection of my past experiences.  This is how my mind reels me in, ever so gently until it’s like the trigger is pulled and instantly, I become locked within a semi-sweet memory/feeling that will always go from a positive energy experience to a negative one in like 2.2 seconds and suddenly,  I’m face to face with my fear of death and dying.

Artwork by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo
marlens2This particular pattern has become less frequent than when it began which is what I allowed to happen the first time I was told that I had breast cancer.

So in the first few months as the pattern evolved I would miss the memory as the trigger and be swept away in Fear rather quickly.  But now,  it’s like I’m having new memories come forth but not really.

 Still I’m very aware of how  I’ve entered another dimension of myself as my mind and now I’m seeing how the memory was always here for me to access to be able to stop and forgive myself however,  I was moving so fast within myself as my mind that I was unable or unwilling to look, to see where and who I’ve been during all the memories that I have stored within every part of my physical body.

So now I’m seeing an increased awareness coming forth from within me and it’s become easier to investigate further into and as the patterns of my mind.  It’s definitely a process worth walking for oneself and I’m fortunate, because I’ve had the tools from Desteni I Process and I know how to apply them and in doing so I’ve been able to direct myself within a clearer understanding of how having cancer is proving to be very self-educating and thus very assisting.

Also it’s important to note here how weird my sleeping was last night and how I was constantly and continually aware of an intense pain within my breast surrounding the areas where the lump is. ‘The lump’ has become less scary to touch for me now, so when the pain comes, it’s like I allow myself to go into the pain, to focus on remaining aware of my breathing and allow myself to investigate the pain – instead of trying to run and hide from it in fear within my mind.  Sometimes briefly I’ll catch myself off guard and be swept in for a moment.   For a second I’ll became trapped in a mini-automated paranoia episode taking place within my mind about death and dying, but more and more I’ve been able to stop, breathe and investigate the how’s and why’s to determine how I may assist my physical body to get well.

With regards to the pain I had last night which was similar to the same kind of pain I’ve had on at least 4 other occasions, I’ve come to realize that according to the sensation of the pain and how it physically feels like there’s a pulling taking place – it’s like the lump is pulling away from the surrounding tissue that it’s grown attached to – like the lump is ever so slowly letting go, dying, becoming a dead tumor.

Of course, I can’t yet prove my theory, but if that is in fact what’s happening, then the results will eventually become known anyway…. The point here that I’m trying to put into words, is that when I ‘get physical‘, so to speak, when I hear my body when it’s hurting,  thirsty and/or basically when my physical body is giving me an opportunity to see who I am as it and direct myself,  it’s interesting,  because it is in that moment when my fear of death and dying ceases to exist.

Alright so that’s all for tonight.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have Realized that the FLESH acts like a HARDDRIVE, that Stores one’s Memories as Stories as the History of the Creation of the Character in the Narrative used as the Idea of Self, which is then Projected on the Screen of the MIND which Tell A Vision show and supported by the words the Self Speaks to Convince this Self as Character that it is Real, but take away the Memories, and the Self Disappears immediately, exactly what happens at Death as well.

I commit myself to SHOW that the FLESH as STORAGE of Memories From which is Created Personal Consciousness, is NOT GRASPED and that the Importance given to the MIND cause a World of ABUSE and DELUSION that will keep on Growing ’till Man wake up and Study the Real ISSUES in the TISSUE of the Body.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 264: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Cost of Alternative Cancer Treatments and How Living Income Guaranteed is the Solution – Day 35

Today I got a little freaky about the amount of money we’ve been having to spend lately on organic fruits and vegetables, and tea, as well as pancreatic enzymes and vitamins and ALL the other stuff that I have to have as I continue with my Daily Alternative Treatment plan – which includes the Metabolic Diet, which initself  brings about a kind of stability and strengthens and assists in ridding the physical body of cancer.

Lig guaranteed incomeTo give a quick update: My last HCG urine test showed a decrease in cancer from 53.0 to 52.6. This was proof after 6 months that what I’m applying is effective. The end of this month will put me at 10 months of treatment and so I will be sending off another urine sample to see if there has been improvement.

I realized today that when I got a ‘little freaky’, or rather when I become ‘anxious’ about money,  I experience that anxiety in the pit of my stomach – just thinking about spending money sends me reeling in my mind in fear of not having enough of it.

All in all, we spend approximately $800 US Dollars every month on the things I absolutely have to have in order to get well. It doesn’t seem fair for me to complain because I’m fortunate in that I have an amazing supportive partner, who works hard and provides a way where we’re able to get me the things I need.   And,,,The truth is, Everyone should be so fortunate…

I am absolutely certain that if we removed the day to day stress of worrying about whether or not we’ll have enough money for food, or for a home,  or,  will we be able to afford an Education and/or find a job.  Money stresses us out more than we realize and we should take the time to investigate and consider who we’d be,  if we removed all our Money woes – by providing a Living Income for Everyone.

There is absolutely no telling who we’d all become. Our day to day interaction with each other would almost immediately change because we’d begin to stop participating in our mind within the thoughts/fears of not knowing if we’re even going to have, or make enough Money to survive.

Can you imagine never again worrying about whether you’ll have enough of something?

Can you imagine being able to have a place to live in that you can call your own?

Can you imagine going to work because you’re willing to contribute to improving Life on Earth for Everyone, and not just because you have to because you need money?

Can you imagine the enjoyment of Giving to Everyone every opportunity that we ourself would like to Receive?

Imagine how a Living Income Guaranteed will Change Your Life!

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the Daily Life on the Daily Planet of Society Revolves around Pretentious Characters that SWOP Places Depending on the Situation and Context of the Environment a Person find themselves in as the NOW, Creating in Full Knowledge Billions of fake Scenarios Daily where all Participants Pretend to Be a Character just to Suit the Illusion around which Society Revolves.

I commit myself to SHOW that SWOPPING PLACES in the MIND between Characters Deliberately Designed for Survival on Earth, is a Field and Frontier yet to Become Realized by Humanity, and Once this is Understood, Life on Earth will dramatically change, as the Value System will NO Longer Feed the Illusion of the MIND.” Bernard Poolman

Day 148: Swopping Places

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Investigate:

Living Income Guaranteed

Day 255: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Energy of Reward – Day 33

I’m not dead yet, but me as my mind thinks I might as well be. What is that? What is this weekly pattern inside my head that wants me to pay attention to such nonsense when it isn’t even real? This I’ve identified as the energy of reward and it’s very deceptive.  It goes like this,,,

Today my partner called to say that he’s been invited to a supper this evening as sort of a thank you for his years of donating blood. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what the dinner is for. The fact is, when I heard that he wouldn’t be home till much later than normal, I felt this rush of energy surge through the center of me. It was like the energy of reward with a bizarre twist on myself as if to say ‘I told you so’. And, within my secret mind all I could hear was, ‘but, what about me’?

Fortunately I’ve been walking the Desteni I Process which has assisted me to identify obsessive patterns and with the tools I’ve learned I can stop myself as who I am as my mind. The problem is, or rather the thing is, I have to be consistent in directing myself because me as my mind doesn’t really want to stop participating in the energy of reward.

Artwork by: Matti Freeman
system error Ok so continuing… When my partner said he’d be late, I became aware of the thoughts of, ‘what about me’? And then I started to cry but quickly stopped and breathed.

So instead of participating in thoughts in my head, I began to share with my partner about how I was experiencing myself. How I’m in a pattern where in my mind, ‘I feel like I get No human contact/interaction’. How by the time my partner gets home from work, he’s ‘all talked out’. How at the end of the day I’m left here waiting/wanting,,, wait

Did I just hear myself? I had to stop. I could hear myself and in my physical body I became extremely uncomfortable. I began to see how my words, my tonality, everything about who I was acting as, just didn’t fit anymore as who I am willing to be…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become the energy of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must have others in my life for my own selfish entertainment, as a way to validate myself because that’s what keeps me from seeing who and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to be and become as the energy of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mind take control of me to such a degree that if I don’t get an energetic charge through/as the energy of reward as validation coming from others, then I become angry and ill willed toward myself and others as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be an energy seeker of rewards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as my mind must behave in/as an energetic high or low and if and when I ‘feel’ inside my mind that I’m not getting my specific reward then I will secretly plot against myself in an attempt to obtain the reward.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the insanity in believing myself as my mind seeking to be rewarded and when I don’t receive my reward by way of entertainment and/or approval of others, then me as my mind will tell myself to give up, it’s not worth it.  However, I see, realize and understand that these are just thoughts seeking energy and that I as the Directive Principle of Me, as who I Am as Life, have the ability to Stop myself as them, and to Direct myself according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed life as I live it to become a routine,  wherein I seek to maintain an energetic reward as a personality and/or character of/as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing who I really am through buying into a reward system which I use to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as an alternate reality within my mind where I compete with and manipulate myself and others just for the energy of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of ‘I can’t do this treatment plan for cancer anymore’ and within that for believing myself as being depressed and/or feeling sorry for myself, because I see, realize and understand that when I breathe and stop participating in such thought patterns, I am able to be here with myself and with what is real as my Physical body and Physical reality, and within that I see, realize and understand that there is nowhere to be except here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the most important thing about life in that when who I am as my mind shows up, nothing and no one else matters except me, me, me, and as that I harbor an unidentified anger and aggression/suppression towards myself for ignoring how others are experiencing themselves as abused within our current world/money system and for the fear I accept and allow within myself when I fear seeing the abuse and suffering within our world.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself as my mind throwing a silent tantrum within myself as I seek for an energetic reward, where I tell myself that my cancer treatment plan isn’t worth it, I Stop, I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have removed from myself the energetic rewards that I have become accustomed to through foods and/or drugs and/or entertainment, thus, me as my mind doesn’t know what to do without them, therefore, I see, realize and understand that this Is a pattern that I can re-design out of myself thus,  I commit myself to walk the self correction.

I commit myself to change my morning routine to where I am able to be more flexable within and as my Physical reality.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself as my mind wanting to ‘feel sorry for myself’ I Stop, I Breathe.  I see, realize and understand that no matter where I am, I am Here. Thus I Commit myself to walk the self corrective application of re-designing myself free from the engergy of reward and to instead Direct myself within the Principle of What’s Best for All.

I commit myself to Stop who I am as a needy energy seeker of rewards.

I commit myself to stop how I separate myself from others and my world through competition/reward, money and greed.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am Not dead yet, that I am breathing, that I Am able and willing to stop who I am as my mind through breathing and becoming the Self Directive principle of me as all as one as equal.

I Commit myself to Stop the war within myself first so to Stop the war that exists within and as and between us each other.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how the war I wage within myself is the same as the war I see that exists without – within our world against each other.

I Commit myself to continue this Journey to Physical Wellness, to Stop the Beast as breast cancer as I continue my Journey to Life.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a consumer within my mind, scheming and planning the business of my life to make sure I get as many rewards as possible to show that I have a profitable life, regardless how it would impact my fellow humans or Life on Earth in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard my business as happiness goals as the only interest myself must be busy with to make sure I have a rewarding life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused to see that I have separated myself from the business of Life by regarding Life only in terms of the Mind as the primary goals as the interest of self that must be rewarded to feel and experience value.

I commit myself to show that happiness is in fact a mental social disease of self-interest that makes war on Life through REWARDS.

I commit myself to train that which is life to be equal to the mind-self to thusly take directive principle and restore Life to Earth in every way.

I commit myself to explain the machine as the mind to such specificity that the Truth of this imposter with its spawn as Consciousness can be seen for what it is.

I commit myself to restore compassion for Life on Earth where the ones with Creator ability will protect those with a lesser ability as a Matter of Life!” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 250: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Clearing the Path – Day 32

When I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, the beginning of April this year, the first thing I wanted to do was to chat with Bernard Poolman. I was sure that he would ease my fears by saying something to me that would catapult me out of my inner state of panic. But, the reality of my situation is that having Cancer for me, is a living consequence of the past decisions I made, where the result of those decisions have manifested within and as my physical body. So the ‘saving grace’, so to speak, that I was looking for, was in reality Not real, and in fact, never has been real no matter how much I attempted in my mind to make it out to be.
clearing the path
This particular chat would be my last one with Bernard – as he passed away just 4 days ago -and one of the things he said to me, which I barely understood at the time because I was so reeling in the fear of dying. I mean, I was so scared from being diagnosed with Cancer that all I could share with him was how I knew there was something I wanted to ask him but for the life of me I couldn’t remember what it was. Here was his reply to me:

This is why I am here to speak to you. Cathy, you are faced with seemingly, a great challenge. But, from my perspective – you’re faced with a Great Opportunity. An opportunity to Walk a Process of facing this beast head-on. In this, you are not going to pre-judge anything. You’re going to consider All Points and then you’re going to write about it. Calling the beast by its name: Breast Cancer. Cathy, yes – this may kill you. That is, at the moment, uncertain. So, the time available – is to do what is best. If you stay, so be it. If you go, so be it. It was inevitably anyway, one way or the other. This way, you can make something of it. I would suggest that anxiety and/or fear has an effect of freezing the physical body, which impairs the immune system and makes it less effective. So, the psychological effect of cancer is actually more dangerous than anything else. So, also to write about this – very specifically, reporting your physical experience that arise due to anxiety and fear and how it makes you feel ,and to look at the physical movement of this through your release with self forgiveness and self honesty. I would say, you are the One that can face this gift. There are certainly no coincidences.” ~Bernard Poolman, April 3, 2013

Just now I’m re-reading his words and I’m asking myself: ‘what is it that I’m wanting to express here in this blog and in sharing our chat with the world‘? A chat which was so very intimate to me. And the fact is, that what I’ve realized in the days that have followed since Bernard’s passing, is that in the beginning of my diagnosis, and even in the days following my chat with Bernard, I accepted and allowed all these idea’s I had in my mind about Cancer – ideas I’ve accumulated throughout my lifetime – to overwhelm and consume me. So much so that recently, there was not an hour that would go by during my days that I did not feel consumed within an identity of myself as ‘the cancer patient‘. Where within my mind, I saw and accepted myself as sick and diminished, a failure, and as such, I began to give up on living.

So what does all this have to do with the passing of Bernard Poolman? I can only say that his passing has shaken me to the depths of my being. Because just this time last week, I didn’t think I could go on, nor did I want to. This I didn’t share with anyone. It was the secret I was keeping to myself within my mind and it was the secret I was keeping even from myself. That’s how/why the secret mind is called the secret mind.

Now, Bernard’s death, it shook me to the core, shook me out of my secret mind, to such a degree that interestingly enough, since his passing, I am no longer consumed within and as those pictures, the identitly, nor within what felt like a curse in how I was seeing myself – as a victim of myself with Cancer.

I am now clear and willing to walk my process in greater depths, to investigate and Clear the Path of my past – to uncover how and why I manifested Cancer within me, and to remove such design from my being within and so without.

Alright, so, I in No way mean to imply that Bernard’s passing somehow magically or mystically healed me, or that he is somehow my savior. No that’s not it.

What I am saying is that I’ve had enough of my own self abuse and it stops here. And that regardless of how cruel and insensitive our World and our Money System has become, Bernard Poolman lived life within the realm of bringing Heaven to life on Earth. He was that which we can All become through Self-honesty and Self-Forgiveness and he proved that the human can breathe integrity into Life.  Even in death his Words remain the same for those who will hear, and he left this World a better place for having been here.

I for One will Not waste another moment lost in self interest in my secret mind in fear of having cancer, instead,

I Commit Myself to my process, to become also a Living example of what it is to Walk the Path of Equality and Oneness, as the Example that Bernard Pooman has Given to Us Each One.

Cheers to Bernard Poolman!

Let’s Walk

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 248: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – I Can Do This – Day 31

Alright so last night I had a reaction within myself where I began to experience pain in the lower left side of my back. It was a slight to moderate slow throbbing pain that seemed to radiate inward. Now for a few months I’ve been making sure that I eat only that which nourishes and supports my physical body,  but I’ve only recently became more directive in applying self forgiveness for the experience of resistance – which I realize is related to energy, so it’s now time for me to take my process the step further – to bring the point through to awareness. Because what will happen when I experience a new ache or pain within my physical body is that I will immediately go into emotional/feeling energies which obviously creates added reactions within me physically which can result in further consequences for my physical body.
what if
So last night when the pain became rather intense my partner reminded me to breathe and so as I breathed I was instantly able to ground myself which caused the pain to diminish – almost like the energy within me diffused itself as I breathed.

I realized in that moment that my physical body is supporting me but it’s me as my mind that is reaching / searching for a way to lose myself within my mind to energy which I’ve accumulated myself as through my participation in thoughts and feelings. So I’ve built up energy in relation to when I experience pain and I see, realize and understand that further commitment statements on my part is required in order to Stop emotions and feelings from overwhelming me.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself experiencing physical pain within my physical body – whether it be a pain I’ve experienced before or whether it be a pain I’m only now experiencing, I Stop, I Breathe. I direct myself to Stand in the shoes of my Physical body and I will Not accept and allow myself to have this point of self interest in terms of how I am reacting in emotions and feelings to separate me from the relationship and the process that I’m walking in my physical body.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that pain is an indication for me to stop and breathe and become aware of what my Physical body is trying to tell me – whether that be to seek assistance from a Physician or whether it be to Breathe!

I commit myself to Stop energetic reactions of emotions and feelings to overwhelm me.

I commit myself to Stand here with my Physical body as my Physical body and Not accept and allow emotions and feelings to overwhelm me.

I commit myself to bring this point through to awareness wherein I remain grounded and stable within and as my Physical body and my Physical reality.

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 247: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Forgiving Resistance – Day 30

Recently I’ve been facing quite a bit of resistance to writing, to finishing my DIP lessons, resistance to just about everything. So here I would like to Thank the Assistance I’ve received from Hannie / Sunette as I’ve been able to come to an understanding with regards to what I’ve been accepting and allowing. Thus with some assistance, I’m sharing here my Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements.
self forgiveness for life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure according to an energy of resistance that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how resistance is merely an energy, though be it a persistent energy that seems so real that I in my mind cannot deny how real it is within and as how it overwhelms me in the physical and so in this mind-physical relationship to resistance – I allow it to be more powerful and overbearing than my directive principle/decision of who I am in every moment of breath and so give up/give into this energy of resistance.

When and as I see myself give in to this energy of resistance, I stop, I breathe, I direct myself to Not participate, to instead be the directive principle of me within the decision to stand and move myself according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship to resistance, this mind-physical energy – in fact shows me my relationship to emotions/feelings within my mind, where I still accept and allow myself to believe that the reactions I have are “all that I am/is real”, because I have this reasoning that since I experience it physically then it must be real – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how within this resistance, within the emotions and feelings,,, I am actually missing my breath, I miss Me in Breath and therefore do not realize the extent to which I am in fact in my mind within an energy that I experience in the physical – so, therefore, I am not in fact here, not in fact physical – I am experiencing it through energy within my mind and therefore,  I commit myself to STOP, to direct myself here as Breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how in my primary relationship to my mind – I’ve always trusted/used my mind as my backup, always leaning on and depending on my own thoughts/reactions for guidance – never seeing, realizing and understanding within this how with writing, with committing myself to changing Me – I am in my self awareness for the first time deciding to stand on my own two feet, to make my own decisions about who I am and so therefore – resistance will come through in moments of change, where it’s actually a habit to not step into that moment of change, that decision to change, of action to change, because I don’t know who I’ll be, in leaving the comfort zone of my mind, stepping into the unknown and so the force of resistance is me playing a balancing act with myself – between the known and the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the unknown is unknown, but, I know that I have me as I walk the unknown, that I have me in every moment of every breath, so in this walking the unknown, is actually existent a gift – a gift for me to learn to trust Me, to learn what it means to trust me, discover me and learn about me – and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistance as an excuse to rather trust who I am as my mind simply because it seems easier than me walking the process to learn what it means to trust myself, to depend upon myself, make decisions for myself, direct myself and ultimately change myself, thus, I commit myself to Stop using resistance as an excuse, as a reason not to move myself.

When and as I see myself as my mind using the energy of resistance to not face myself, to not move myself to write, to discover me, to learn about who I really am, I stop, I breathe – instead, I direct myself to move myself to write, to give myself an opportunity to discover for myself in self honesty who I am, to push through the resistance to self change.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the common sense in relation to resistance: that I do not in self awareness decide to create resistance when I sit down to write, that I make a decision to write, so where is the resistance coming from? This showing me how I have trusted the emotions and feelings and thoughts of my mind without question/introspection – and just because it’s suddenly there and it’s physical, I believed it to be real, however – I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider standing by/with my decision to direct myself within reality/the real world that I decided in Self Awareness to do, because I know then that I made the Decision to do this direction, to walk this point – of which I Trust – when I see the resistance comes up seemingly out of nowhere – this I should question and so, I commit myself to assist and support myself to stick to my Decision, my living actions such as writing, which I can trust, that I decided to do and to walk and to Not accept and allow any automated reaction/emotions/resistance to interFear with me establishing my self trust in that which I decide and what I walk in reality.

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“The Difficulty with change is obviously that there will be Resistance, it will be Difficult because you are busy Transforming that which is Within you as your Memory, your Thought, your Personality, your Past Into a Living Being that Lives at the Cutting-Edge of Time with such Vigorous Principle that You can be Trusted with Life; when you are Functioning as Consciousness: You can’t be Trusted with Life, just look at the Planet Earth and What is Done to it by the Human Race and you know That is the Evidence that Time is Showing us, that’s Our Writing on Earth, How we are Living, that is the Story, the Life-Book that is the Reality of the Truth.”

Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 246: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Process Update – Day 29

Artwork By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

universeiswaiting

In the latter part of 2007, shortly after I began applying the tools of Desteni, (soon I will be sharing my Desteni Witness Blog for further clarity), I remember ‘thinking’ that if I were to come down with some sort of disease or illness, that I would not waste a minute, that I would take advantage of every moment and apply the Desteni tools to assist myself to get well.  Little did I realize then, that doing so, would be my biggest  challenge.

So, here I am with breast cancer and walking daily a strict diet and routine where often I am physically ill and so the reality and the extent of years of brainwashing/programming often gets the most of me. All the thinking I’ve participated in over the years offers nothing for me in the way of actually assisting and supporting me physically, and, even though I have proved to myself over the past 5 1/2 years the effectiveness of the Desteni tools when applied, I still have resistance and have to push myself to share my process here because who I am as my mind, doesn’t want to write about it…

So, despite my resistance, I’m here, to give a brief update about how my alternative treatment plan for cancer is coming along…Please Remember, this is My Treatment Plan and that everybody’s individual treatment plan will differ…

Alright so recently I’ve come to understand more about the ‘lump/tumor’ itself. Meaning, in the beginning I had expectations in that I believed that the lump would ‘hopefully’ decrease in size. I now understand that that is not entirely so.

 “…the tumor is merely the symptom of the disease, that most tumors have only a relatively small proportion of cancer cells: consequently, getting rid of the cancer often leaves behind a tumor of benign tissue as a memorial to the victory of nature over the disease. To use the reduction of tumor mass as the primary test of efficacy is indefensible from a scientific point of view and is further evidence of the appalling ignorance of orthodox researchers.” ~ John A Richardson, M.D.

“What water is to thirst, so normal metabolism is to cancer.” – John Richardson, MD, Richardson Newsletter, 1978.

Alright so, in the past 3 to 4 weeks there have been some noticeable changes:

*All pain/energy that I was experiencing a couple times a week in the area of my breast where the lump is located has stopped.

*During my “On” Cycle, ( which is what I refer to when I’m on the Pancreatic Enzymes) I notice that now the lump/tumor itself, it swells. I’ve learned that is normal and can be compared to what happens when one smashes their thumb in that the cells in the area itself will swell as a way of protecting itself.

So basically the lump is attempting to protect itself from the Pancreatic Enzymes which is cool in that I now know that the Enzymes are getting to the cancer cells and ridding my body of them.

 “At least 86% of all cancer conditions could be adequately treated and/or prevented by diet and pancreatic enzymes.

Cancer is a symptom of inadequate and deficient protein metabolism. The real problem is protein metabolism, not cancer. Cancer is only a symptom telling those who would listen that their protein metabolism is in very serious trouble. 

One hundred years ago Dr. John Beard at the University of Edinburgh discovered that the body’s primary mechanism for destroying cancer is contained in pancreatin, a secretion from the pancreas that includes enzymes for digesting protein (among other things). Enzymes digest or liquefy foods for absorption by the body. Dr. Beard presented pictures in his books and papers to show recoveries using pancreatin. This was an unprecedented approach to treating the symptoms of cancer — a direct attack on the malignancy with a substance that did not have toxic side effects on the other functions of the body.” ~ Dr. William Donald Kelley, D.D.S., M.S.

*Recently, I also finished what’s called ‘The Liver-Gallbladder’Flush, and doing this thing, was like living proof for myself of how our mind will direct us to ‘fear’ that which we’ve never heard of or done before. I mean it has taken me 3 months to ‘get up the nerve’ so to speak to finally do this and the ‘idea’ within my mind was waaaaaaay worse than the actual physical process of doing so. And the benefits of doing so have assisted my physical body greatly so what I’m realizing is that it doesn’t matter whether my mind likes the idea of something or not, what matters is that which will assist my physical body. Liking and disliking things is nothing but a lie that our mind would have us believe in and I am no longer willing to participate in that sort of bullshit.

*Another thing I’ve added recently that Dr. Kelley suggests, is every day I liquefy 3 to 6 heaping tablespoons, (but no more than that) of raw beef liver to my morning juice. Another fear that I’ve had to walk the self corrective application of,  and in doing so have realized that taking the liver is making a Huge difference in that I am having more strength and a general awareness of how much my physical body is lovin it.

“Liver is a wonderful energy food and cannot be surpassed as a blood builder. It is especially crucial for leukemia and lymphoma patients, as their blood is unusually weak. However, all cancer patients can benefit from the intake of raw liver before noon each day. In the mid 1960s, when Dr. Kelley was told he was in the final stages of pancreatic and liver cancer, he found that raw liver blended into carrot juice gave him strength when everything else he ate made him feel ill.

Raw organic, antibiotic-free and hormone-free liver contains a multitude of live enzymes, amino acids and other intrinsic factors that science has not yet identified, which are destroyed when the liver is cooked. (References to “intrinsic” or “unidentified” food factors are fairly common in nutritional literature. They result from clinical reactions, which cannot be linked to known nutrients. Raw liver for cancer patients is an excellent example of powerful therapeutic, but unexplained, effects.) There are no supplements or drugs that can take the place of raw liver; none are in any way comparable in their effects. Eating raw liver ensures thorough digestion and the replacement of expended nutrients, promoting excellent health.” ~ One Answer to Cancer

*Just to note here that at the moment, I’m only able to stay to the ‘ON Cycle’ for 7 to 9 days where in the first month I was able to stay ‘ON’ for 10 to 13 days – this then is when I become toxic,  which at this point begins with a severe headache – which means it’s time to go OFF Everything to give my body 5 days to recover and repair itself.

*I’m also seeing that I’m having more pimples on my overall physical body which is cool because this is another way my body is getting rid of the cancer.

*I’ve now had 2 HCG Specimen Tests or, The Titer Urine Test, both of which I get the results of through ‘The Navarro Medical Clinic‘, which is under the direction of Dr. Efren Navarro. I will be taking the test again in 2 months.

Here are my results:

Dear Cathy,

Your latest HCG Test Result on 07/20/2013 is:
Index + 4,(53.0 Int. Units)

This is within the positive range. It remains unchanged as compared to the last one on 06/05/13(53.0 IU).

It has been a month or more from the last test and Alternative medication takes time and at times the result may take longer to go down. At least, this one did not go up which is good.

I suggest that you do continue with your alternative regimen.

A range of 49 or below will indicate remission: Interpretation of Readings

Wishing you the best of health, I remain.

EFNavarro,MD

*I’ve also been experiencing some overall pain throughout my entire physical body. Though, the pain is greater in the area of my lower left abdomen and my upper back and neck area. Fortunately I’ve been able to assist myself through/with breathing techniques given to me specifically during my weekly chat with Sunette Spies.

So, the biggest problem is Not my physical body as it’s doing quite well actually. The biggest problem is and has always been who I am and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as, as my mind as Consciousness.  This I am becoming more and more aware of and I will continue to direct myself to stop the self interest of and as it that I’ve consumed myself as for my entire life and Direct myself to investigate, forgive and release the constructs and preprogramming and re-design myself according to what’s Best for All.  Because I’m coming to a clearer understanding within myself, that life is not a lesson, but more an opportunity to Face All of who we are within all and everything that is here.

It’s too bad that we accept and allow Money to be that which motivates us, because in the end, Money isn’t even real enough to go with us when we die. In the end we won’t want a huge pile of money sitting beside us to bid us farewell, No!

So, how come we don’t ask ourselves why we’re so afraid to Give to All that which only those with Money are able to receive when we could All come Together in Agreement and Give to All that which we would Each like to Receive?

Investigate: Living Income Guaranteed proposal.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that resistance to change is indicating the control of the accepted and allowed patterns of my current limited version of me as self interest that occupies the space and time that I realize I must change to become that which is best for all life as me in the part I am as participation in the current accepted whole as the one system that exist as humanity and this world.” Bernard Poolman

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it acceptable that others may suffer by the effect I cause while I take time to sort out my priorities without regard that at this moment, while I am occupied, another is in a position that will improve faster if I act immediately and with sustained consistency till that which is best for all life is here in every way.” Bernard Poolman 

“I commit myself to prioritize my life to that which is best for me in the way that it is best for all life realizing that I cannot do it all, but what I do I must do well and in the full understanding and certainty that I will produce me as the optimum life form here that will be best for the process to life. I commit myself to consistency in action with the understanding that as I walk to life, that which I become as life will become easier through time and I accept the pressure and resistance that will go along with the reintegration of that which is best for all life as I understand that the resistance are the indicator that makes the reality of the process measurable.” Bernard Poolman

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Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

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Activist’s Journey To Life

Day 244: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – What are you Really scared of? – Day 28

So yesterday I ate quite a bit of watermelon. Watermelon is a natural diuretic and assists our kidney’s to rid themself of toxins which is awesome. However, the problem is that when I eat so much of it late in the evening then when I go to bed, I’m like up every hour and a half to pee. So every time I got up last night to pee, I became aware of how my mind took the opportunity to attack me with backchat and internal conversations which went like this:

“what if what I’m doing doesn’t get rid of the cancer
“what if I am dead within the year”
“I don’t want to die!”
“what am I going to do if the cancer doesn’t go away”
“no one will miss me when I die”
“I don’t want to have cancer”
“I’m sick of having cancer”
“What am I going to do, I’m scared

Alright, so this sort of backchat went on all night long and this is not the first time. So it’s time for me to stop avoiding investigating what’s really going on within me when this happens. Because I mean, what I know about my mind as consciousness , is that it doesn’t really lead, it pulls and pulls until it enlists our full participation and when that happens, nothing else matters except the fear that one is then locked into and as.

And,  the fact is, even though I’ve always been aware of my fear of death and/or the fear of losing one of my children to death, I’ve never slowed myself down and actually investigated what the hell I’m actually scared of. Because I mean, everything I know about death and dying I’ve learned either from teachings from the bible, from friends and family and/or from what I’ve seen in movies.

So,, as I look at the backchat/ the thoughts, I already realize that when facing them, the fear of them is instantly gone. I realize that my fear of death isn’t necessarily an actual fear of dying,  but more a fear of missing out on what may or may not happen to my relationships if I’m not here – like will my partner find someone else/replace me and/or will my children and my grandchildren miss me?

Mostly, what I’ve come to realize it that my fear of death is embedded deep in self interest. This is not really surprising because everything about me and how I’ve lived my life is/has been deeply rooted in self interest.

I mean it’s insane really because my fear of death is more the fear of disturbing the emotional happiness of my mind. Meaning, me as my mind just wants to ‘feel’ better and in my pursuit of happiness, I’ve never considered the happiness and well being of others.
forgive yourselfI also have to consider how in the past 3 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, many of my daily habits have changed and this has caused me as my mind to feel uncomfortable and like I’m losing my perception of being in control.

For instance, I used to spend a lot of time cooking for my partner and my family, but now that my diet is so restricted, I no longer spend a lot time in the kitchen. Instead I have focused on putting the needs of my physical body first and honestly, me as my mind hasn’t liked it.

My mind wants to take precedent over my relationship with my physical body and it’s looking for me to validate it in some way because after all, I’ve taken away my favorite foods, I no longer take drugs or smoke or participate in energetic goings on like gambling and gossip.  And, I’ve been standing strong in the commitment I made, to for the first time in my life, give the utmost care and attention to physical body and quite frankly, me as my mind, isn’t taking kindly to it.

I mean it’s interesting in that we say we fear dying but we’re not actually interested in taking care of the one thing that keeps us here, which is our physical body.

So definitely more than anything it’s my self interest  as my mind that fears death, and as such is taking every opportunity to get my attention because it wants, needs and requires energy!  And one way to get energy is through emotions, feelings, reactions and fear.

The fact is, what I’m really scared of is the fear of not living This life to its fullest potential, and, I fear giving up and I fear failing. I fear that I will forget what I’ve come to see, realize and understand as the most important part of living, Giving to All that which I’d like to receive.

So, how I will stop myself as consciousness from attacking myself and giving up on myself?  With self-forgiveness,  self-corrective application and self-direction.   And, Fortunately, through Desteni I Process,  I have just the tools to assist myself to change the nature of who I am within self interest  and fear.  To direct myself to walk this moment, this life, in a way that will bring about a world that supports All life, according to what’s best for all

Ok, that’s all for tonight.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to stop causing side-effects of destruction and hatred, for as long as we are on the receiving end of the positive effect, we claim in our own mind that we must be acting in acceptable ways that those that are effected by the negative side of the effect brought it upon themselves, demonstrating the extreme level of self-interest used as the starting point to abuse cause and effect on Earth.” ~Bernard Poolman

“I commit myself to bring to awareness that life abdicated to self-interest is in fact the abdication of the right to life which will become clear at death, yet the common sense of the effect is in fact realized by every human in spite of the overwhelming voice of self-interest in the head.” ~Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life