Tag Archive | flu like symptoms

Day 271: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Death of a Relationship – Day 38

To share how one experience themself when someone close to them dies, doesn’t come easy for most of us because the subject of death is one we work hard to avoid. I mean on the one hand we want to talk with others about how shocked we are from the loss of a loved-one through a sudden or unexpected death, yet on the other hand, the topic of death itself triggers our ultimate fear, our fear of death and dying.
death of a relationship
Since being diagnosed some 10 months ago with Breast Cancer, I’ve been investigating my fear of death, even still it is very uncomfortable when death hits close to home.  It’s like looking behind yourself, to your past to see yourself, yet knowing full well within yourself,  that you did not see ‘it’ coming, ‘it’ being ‘death’, which always brings with it, the ‘death of a relationship’.

My favorite uncle was admitted into the hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia, and this is an all to familiar road because in my family, my mother and my brother, both died from pneumonia, and then now, my uncle has died from it as well, he was 53.

My uncle was one of the funniest people I’ve ever been around, and I wish I would have called him a month ago when the thought of doing so was triggered when my daughter mentioned she’d seen him where she had been working that day.

This time as the news of the death of a close family member came, I became oddly aware of how it was like for a moment, time stood still and for a split second I saw no difference between death and life. Meaning in how we exist here, acting like we’re life,  all the while existing like the living dead in how we accept and allow things like war, poverty and starvation to exist.  All I know is, that in that moment,  life and death seemed oddly the same and if only for a moment, there was no evidence within me of fear.

The moment of having no fear was of course fleeting, and I watched as I allowed myself to get sucked into the memories of the relationship I had with my uncle.  I remained aware of how my mind wanted to indulge in an enjoyable recollection of past events which came with an uncomfortable feeling of regret, guilt and sadness.  An all to familiar feeling within my mind that comes with the death of a relationship.

For the moment, this is all I can share,  but I will be watching and reading Heaven‘s Blog, because the specific context that’s being walked is about when something unexpected happens within one’s world that is personally-traumatic, where one go into an absolute mental and physical shock.

This will prove to be very assisting for how I’ve experienced myself the last couple of weeks – in how I felt ‘hectic’ inside myself when the fact is, it was hectic because of how within my mind I’ve been grieving within the fear of loss.  Basically, I’ve participated within and as the energy of regret, guilt and sadness while facing my ultimate fear, my fear of death and dying…

Alright, that’s all for now.

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Be Sure to Read:
Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479

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Day 176: After Death Communication – Part 25

“This World Is, Practically Speaking: Judgment Day. You’re Living it, Every day, Every breath. You are Living, Your Judgment. And, as you Judge, whether it is to Pretend that you are More than Life, or that you are the Product of Allowed Abuse, and thus Less than it : you are the One that Choose. You are the one that Decide. You are the One that Determine. You are the One that Allow. You are the One that Accept. You are the One Who will Find, that what is Here, is what is Hereafter. Unless you Change, while you’re Here, Proven Steadfastly, that you have In Fact Changed, Consistently, Breath by Breath, Never to Again Allow Life to Fall under your Self Interested Judgment; unless you Walk this in such a Steadfast Way that you will Never be Doubted, because you Never Doubt yourself, because You Will Stand regardless of what it Takes, to Bring About that Which is Best for Life, in Every Way, Always: You’ll Not be Worthy of Life.

And, because you don’t know when your Last Breath is, I suggest: You Stand Fast, and then Remain Steadfast. Because, by Now, Commonsense should Show you, that when you Die – All that Happens to the Dead, is that the Living try and keep their Memory Alive.” Bernard Poolman

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Forgiving Grief


I laid down to get some rest and my mind began to rehash the past weeks events leading up to the death of my brother.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for a moment relive the details and decisions made regarding my brothers treatment as if there is or was something different that could have saved his life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recap and replay pictures in my mind of how sick and frail my brother looked before he died and I forgive the feeling in my gut that’s like an emptiness within me that can never be filled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry over the last words my brother said to my step dad before he was put into a coma which was ‘daddy I don’t want to die’.

I fogive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for my whole life act as the protector of my baby brother and even now I feel angry at death and I see how the pattern as the older sister still wants to hang on for it’s life. I stop. I breathe. Till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in myself for participating in and as grief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my tears in this moment because I don’t trust who I am as them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a point of denial within me that I sense has been a false sense of security.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anger toward the messages posted to my brothers face book wall telling him to say hi to my mom and my sister in heaven and I forgive myself for the tears swelling up from within me as I just typed the words ‘to say hi to my mom and sister in heaven’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the messages on my brothers face book wall saying that now God has a new angel and I forgive myself that I want to write back to them to stop spreading their nonsense on my dead brothers face book wall which only serves to make themselves feel better and that their words are really only trashing up our world with more deception. I stop. I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can serve to protect my baby brother from life’s harm when in fact the only way that I can assist anyone in any way is to first assist myself in stopping me as my mind and directing myself in self-honesty as my mind and to continue to stand in support of an Equal Money system so that all life will cease in its suffering.

I realize and understand that my mind as consciousness is designed to react to the death of a sibling according to a specific pattern and in the moment that I participate in the thought and the emotion is the moment I become manipulated and controlled in the deadly design of and as a mind consciousness system. I stop. I breath. I forgive and release and redesign myself according to a principle of Equality.

I realize, see and understand that it is only myself that I’m reacting to and that there is no one to blame or to be angry with and that I alone am responsible for what I accept and allow and be and become within my life and this world. I choose to walk in self-honesty and face myself and what I’ve accepted and allowed within this world, and stand in support for and as all life that all life may live in dignity as all as one as equal.

2012 – Opportunity as Life is in Breath


My brother has been in the hospital for over a month with complications from pneumonia, which progressed to ARDS (acute respiratory distress syndrome). The decision was made and finally he was put in a drug induced coma and on a ventilator to allow his lungs time to heal. His life of 42 years of accumulating the consequences of self – the same as we all do in how we participate in and as the mind and who we become as a result of accepted behaviors, habits and thought patterns – was just to much for his physical body and today he died.

This is just one example of how we physically manifest life experiences through fear, meaning: my mom died 10 1/2 years ago and her death was almost identical to how my brother just died. After my mothers death, my brother spent years and energy within his fear that he would die the same way as mom to the point where an inner acceptance of his own fate emerged.

Death – the point of no immunity. My perspective of death is simply that death is an accumulation of our inner accepted and lived bullshit and abuse in turmoil through and as the direction of and as our mind as consciousness.

We’re here in a process to see and comprehend for ourselves what is real as life and to become the director of and as our mind and, to do so simply, we require to forgive ourselves and to in self-honesty, stop what we’ve accepted within and manifested within and without so we can stop how our outword world currently exists as a world full of suffering, pain and death.

We seldom consider the cause and the effect of our lived dishonesties and how we manifest placements of ourself as abuse until finally death becomes us because the reality of our abusive nature is just to much for our physical body and physical reality to bare.

I will miss brother. And, I don’t like that he has died, but it doesn’t matter what I think I like or don’t like because life itself as death will and is sorting out the shitmess of this reality that we as humans as life have accepted and allowed. I can see that I am angry, angry from the starting point of the fact that here we are – all of us who exist on this earth – we’re life and as life we allow abuse to exist as if it doesn’t exist.

Who really cares if a living being somewhere is murdered and dies every second of the day? Whether it’s from starvation or war or drug abuse or illness – it doesn’t matter the abuse because abuse is abuse and as long as we accept and allow even one single living being to suffer and die then we will all suffer and continue to die – and why not, life mirrors exactly what is being accepted of and as life.

The death of my brother assisted me to again comprehend within myself as a living being the same comprehension I had when my sister died six months ago – which is that sadness and grieving and the memories thereof can be stopped in one moment of breath. Because the awareness of self in and as breath – stops feelings and emotions and stops the insanity of the consciousness mind.

I have no proof to offer anyone with regards to what I’m proving to and for myself with regards to breath and death and I have no desire to anyway – but somehow I know within myself as who I am in self-honesty that we each have this one life and the opportunity in breath to determine who we are as life and to stand and support every living being here Equally. And, I absolutely see that this is why we are here on earth – to recognize and see ourselves in each other and as such come together as a group and support all life and bring an end to All abuse within this world. Neighborism – that’s how we honor life.

NEIGHBORISM will replace capitalism, socialism, communism and all the other ways we have managed the world. With Neighborism the message of Jesus and other teachers that showed that love practically applied means to give as you take and to love your neighbor as yourself would become a living reality. Equal money and Desteni will get you to Neighborism. If you claim love is the answer, prove it with Neighborism.” – Bernard Poolman