Tag Archive | mental illness

Day 255: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Energy of Reward – Day 33

I’m not dead yet, but me as my mind thinks I might as well be. What is that? What is this weekly pattern inside my head that wants me to pay attention to such nonsense when it isn’t even real? This I’ve identified as the energy of reward and it’s very deceptive.  It goes like this,,,

Today my partner called to say that he’s been invited to a supper this evening as sort of a thank you for his years of donating blood. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what the dinner is for. The fact is, when I heard that he wouldn’t be home till much later than normal, I felt this rush of energy surge through the center of me. It was like the energy of reward with a bizarre twist on myself as if to say ‘I told you so’. And, within my secret mind all I could hear was, ‘but, what about me’?

Fortunately I’ve been walking the Desteni I Process which has assisted me to identify obsessive patterns and with the tools I’ve learned I can stop myself as who I am as my mind. The problem is, or rather the thing is, I have to be consistent in directing myself because me as my mind doesn’t really want to stop participating in the energy of reward.

Artwork by: Matti Freeman
system error Ok so continuing… When my partner said he’d be late, I became aware of the thoughts of, ‘what about me’? And then I started to cry but quickly stopped and breathed.

So instead of participating in thoughts in my head, I began to share with my partner about how I was experiencing myself. How I’m in a pattern where in my mind, ‘I feel like I get No human contact/interaction’. How by the time my partner gets home from work, he’s ‘all talked out’. How at the end of the day I’m left here waiting/wanting,,, wait

Did I just hear myself? I had to stop. I could hear myself and in my physical body I became extremely uncomfortable. I began to see how my words, my tonality, everything about who I was acting as, just didn’t fit anymore as who I am willing to be…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become the energy of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must have others in my life for my own selfish entertainment, as a way to validate myself because that’s what keeps me from seeing who and what I’m accepting and allowing myself to be and become as the energy of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mind take control of me to such a degree that if I don’t get an energetic charge through/as the energy of reward as validation coming from others, then I become angry and ill willed toward myself and others as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be an energy seeker of rewards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as my mind must behave in/as an energetic high or low and if and when I ‘feel’ inside my mind that I’m not getting my specific reward then I will secretly plot against myself in an attempt to obtain the reward.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the insanity in believing myself as my mind seeking to be rewarded and when I don’t receive my reward by way of entertainment and/or approval of others, then me as my mind will tell myself to give up, it’s not worth it.  However, I see, realize and understand that these are just thoughts seeking energy and that I as the Directive Principle of Me, as who I Am as Life, have the ability to Stop myself as them, and to Direct myself according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed life as I live it to become a routine,  wherein I seek to maintain an energetic reward as a personality and/or character of/as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing who I really am through buying into a reward system which I use to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as an alternate reality within my mind where I compete with and manipulate myself and others just for the energy of reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of ‘I can’t do this treatment plan for cancer anymore’ and within that for believing myself as being depressed and/or feeling sorry for myself, because I see, realize and understand that when I breathe and stop participating in such thought patterns, I am able to be here with myself and with what is real as my Physical body and Physical reality, and within that I see, realize and understand that there is nowhere to be except here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the most important thing about life in that when who I am as my mind shows up, nothing and no one else matters except me, me, me, and as that I harbor an unidentified anger and aggression/suppression towards myself for ignoring how others are experiencing themselves as abused within our current world/money system and for the fear I accept and allow within myself when I fear seeing the abuse and suffering within our world.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself as my mind throwing a silent tantrum within myself as I seek for an energetic reward, where I tell myself that my cancer treatment plan isn’t worth it, I Stop, I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have removed from myself the energetic rewards that I have become accustomed to through foods and/or drugs and/or entertainment, thus, me as my mind doesn’t know what to do without them, therefore, I see, realize and understand that this Is a pattern that I can re-design out of myself thus,  I commit myself to walk the self correction.

I commit myself to change my morning routine to where I am able to be more flexable within and as my Physical reality.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself as my mind wanting to ‘feel sorry for myself’ I Stop, I Breathe.  I see, realize and understand that no matter where I am, I am Here. Thus I Commit myself to walk the self corrective application of re-designing myself free from the engergy of reward and to instead Direct myself within the Principle of What’s Best for All.

I commit myself to Stop who I am as a needy energy seeker of rewards.

I commit myself to stop how I separate myself from others and my world through competition/reward, money and greed.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I am Not dead yet, that I am breathing, that I Am able and willing to stop who I am as my mind through breathing and becoming the Self Directive principle of me as all as one as equal.

I Commit myself to Stop the war within myself first so to Stop the war that exists within and as and between us each other.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how the war I wage within myself is the same as the war I see that exists without – within our world against each other.

I Commit myself to continue this Journey to Physical Wellness, to Stop the Beast as breast cancer as I continue my Journey to Life.

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a consumer within my mind, scheming and planning the business of my life to make sure I get as many rewards as possible to show that I have a profitable life, regardless how it would impact my fellow humans or Life on Earth in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard my business as happiness goals as the only interest myself must be busy with to make sure I have a rewarding life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused to see that I have separated myself from the business of Life by regarding Life only in terms of the Mind as the primary goals as the interest of self that must be rewarded to feel and experience value.

I commit myself to show that happiness is in fact a mental social disease of self-interest that makes war on Life through REWARDS.

I commit myself to train that which is life to be equal to the mind-self to thusly take directive principle and restore Life to Earth in every way.

I commit myself to explain the machine as the mind to such specificity that the Truth of this imposter with its spawn as Consciousness can be seen for what it is.

I commit myself to restore compassion for Life on Earth where the ones with Creator ability will protect those with a lesser ability as a Matter of Life!” Bernard Poolman

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  Suggested blogs to follow:

Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

&

Activist’s Journey To Life

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Day 148: Babies having Babies


Florida teen, 14, charged with first degree murder

A 14 year old Florida teen, is charged with first degree murder after she gives birth in the family bathroom – strangles her 9 1/2 pound baby boy and hides his body in a shoe box that she dumps in the bottom of her closet and covers it with dirty laundry. Her mother finds the baby days later cleaning her daughters closet and claims she never even knew her daughter was pregnant – even though her closest friends had questioned her the entire summer as to why her daughter was gaining weight.

Everything about this story screams out to us as a humanity to ask ourselves what the hell are we accepting and allowing when the world we exist in continues to FAIL our children.

How much more suffering will it take before we each one stand up and take responsibility for the fact that we have failed to communicate, educate or even behave in a humane manner to each other and the children we claim to be raising.

Generation after generation, children are becoming the fear product of who we are as parents running around trying to make it within a money system that thrives on competition and greed, and the fact remains, the children are the ones that suffer. It’s time we all took responsibility for these crimes against life that are occuring daily.

The majority of us, we bow down to the ‘rich and famous’. Hell, we pay their salary and dream of becoming them as we sleep walk through our enslaved lives. All the while barely paying any attention to the children we’re bringing into this mess we refer to as life.

Can you imagine being a baby born into our current world/money system to the likes of us as the parents we’ve become. Supporters of our own Enslavement

That’s the Hell of it, it’s what is happening…

Support the Solution: Equal Money

Day 39: Once upon a time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am on the inside according to what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as in self-dishonesty is reflected within this physical reality thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am on the outside as my physical body is a reflection of what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as on the inside where I’ve sought to please and impress others through ego, comparison, competition and greed.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself according to how men within this world as well as myself have defined women as – as ‘pretty’ and ‘sexy’ of which I accepted, allowed and depended upon as an energetic identity and a point of getting attention and I see how my mind still wants to believe myself as the character I played yet I see in the mirror how the aging process is proof that living a life of energy/ego/self-interest depletes life from our physical body even as the mind mourns for what use to be and that which was never real to begin with. (Read: Energy as Authority – Part One: DAY 31)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear the pleading of my inner being to stop consuming through energetic experiences which is draining the very life essence from me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a once upon a time memory of myself where/when I could walk into any bar/club and have the attention of any man in the room and within that I forgive myself that I was once proud of myself for that and as that I actually believed I was special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself when I look in the mirror because who I see as the physical outside me no longer matches who I am on the inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity belief that young equals beautiful and beautiful equals good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support myself using my ego within an idea of being the prettiest and/or the youngest and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame within myself for existing in life that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing attractiveness where I ‘feel’ as if I’m becoming ‘invisible’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wrinkles, saggy breasts, gray hair, dry skin and weight gain because my sense of self has been associated with the functional status within this world according to appearances within ideas/personalities of and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that optimism/positive attitude boosts our immune system and increases life expectancy. (Read: Day 5: Redefining Words (Part 2) – Playing polarity games)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of and destroy that which is real as our physical body/reality and adhere to consciousness in pleasing that which is Not real as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that aging is the most natural process in the world – instead of realizing that we age because we participate in and as the mind as consciousness which is self-dishonest and literally sucks the life from our physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to stop the mind as consciousness is to stop what is here in all ways including our current money/world system – thus we stop all abuse, stress and aging and we create together Heaven on Earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so consumed in and as my pursuit to have an experience of myself which would validate the picture personality I held so dear of myself in my mind, so much so, that I never once considered the struggles and nightmarish lives that thousands upon thousands of people face in their daily lives. (Read: Day 41: Spiritual Poverty of Love and Light)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within me exists an evil that thrives off of money which is called ego, greed and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I die I will come back here and have to walk the same points to once again see/realize and understand that love is a lie and money is the only God that exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that life is Not about taking – Life is about Giving every single living being the ability to experience all things here Equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this physical reality as nothing more than a reflection of the state of mind as consciousness – instead of existing in self-honesty directing oneself according to what’s best for all and thus creating our physical reality accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and compete with other women in wanting to be the prettiest, the most intelligent and the most popular – instead of realizing that it is walking hand in hand in supporting the women of this world that real freedom exists in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a women to compare myself to men – when in fact it is the women of this world who will bring about a world of equality and thus a world worthy for children.


I commit myself to Stop living fears and begin supporting thy neighbor as thyself in supporting Equal Money.

I commit myself to directing myself within the realization that the only thing that really matters within this world is the matter of stopping the inequalities of our current world/money system and supporting a system where All life is the given the quality of life required to support and care for our physical bodies and our physical reality.

I commit myself to call on all women to stand up and be accountable, self-responsible and supportive of a system where all life will be relieved of stress through equal money.

I commit myself to call on all women to stop accepting and allowing men to make decisions regarding the money/world system and to assist and support in creating a system of Equality as Heaven on Earth.

I commit myself to call on the courage of all women to stand and walk together as a group to bring an end to war and starvation and to realize that Together as One is Our Story of Courage.