Tag Archive | shame

Day 208: Invisible Battles

Problem:

I had a dream last night where I saw myself jumping between roof tops, fighting battles. In battle, I fought with people who seemed familiar, yet were unfamiliar, and the only weapons in the dream were SWORDS.
invisible battle
No real harm to anyone ever occurred no matter how hard we fought and there were no expression of emotions, energy or fears. Everything appeared to be staged in order for us to see for ourselves that life is Not meant to be lived fighting each other to survive – ultimately leading us to at the end of the day – we remain alone with our inner invisible battles, where we compete only with ourself as we try to reach a place of feel better within and as our mind that isn’t real and can never ever be reached.

Solution:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character of and as my mind as someone who is never good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight seemingly invisible battles within my mind and body in trying to keep my emotions ‘at bay’ according to a self-created knowledge of myself and in doing so not realizing how I manifest pockets of pain and dysfunction in bringing the words that I speak to life within and as me as my physical flesh/ bones/body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight invisible battles within and as my mind using thoughts, feelings, emotions and words as a way of remaining in defense mode where I stage imaginary attacks against myself and others as myself creating inner resistance giving myself a false sense of protection through positive and negative energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘letting down the guards’ so to speak, which I’ve used to keep myself trapped within and as my mind as the emotional feelings of fear, where I silence myself in fear of my own self-expression, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through ego/self-interest by way of comparing myself to others and using inferiority and superiority as energetic motivators to suppress myself deeper into self-abusive patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought/picture within my mind where I see myself as being to dumb to stand and take self-responsibility for who I am and for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower down to back chat and internal conversations, telling myself that I’m not smart enough and as such I might as well shut up and give up on myself and the world/money system as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself for wanting to give up on myself and my process because I see, realize and understand that feeling disappointed is actually me justifying my own self-interested behaviors.

When and as I become aware of back chat and internal conversations within my mind telling myself that I’m not smart enough and/or that I should just ‘shut up and give up’ – I Stop, I Breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern within my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to because the truth is I have accepted and allowed a pattern of fear of change within the pattern/character of not being good enough – fear of giving up the comforting, numbed down life style of distractions/entertainment – to instead direct myself to educate myself about our world/money system.

When and as I see myself pull inward into and as my mind where I fight invisible battles, where I begin to doubt who I am as I continue to walk this Journey to Life, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that the doubt is actually self-interest talking, therefore, I commit myself to embracing myself in tender-loving-care, giving myself permission to stop and focus on this moment of breath – where there is no right or wrong, only me directing myself according to what’s best for all.

Reward:

I commit myself to remain aware of my behavior to stop the pattern of accepting and allowing myself to become a character of and as my mind as someone who is never good enough.

I commit myself to stop fighting invisible battles within and as my mind using preprogrammed thoughts, feelings, emotions and energetic experiences as a way of remaining in/as defense mode.

I commit myself to stop giving in to self-manipulation and self-doubt.

I commit myself to walk the self-corrective application of redesigning who I am, standing stable and self-responsible, to redesign myself free from self-abusive and self-destructive patterns

I commit myself to Stop my programmed belief system and to see, realize and understand how what I’ve believed of my life – as that of being comforting – is actually the result of massive funding by our current world/money systems, therefore, I commit myself to further research and educate myself, to ultimately expose the role that money plays in producing, through education and media, as well as thousands of other ways of manipulation, the kind of people we as the human on earth have become.

**UPDATE: When I wrote this blog, I hadn’t yet read the daily blog posted by Heaven’s Journey to Life titled: Why do we Give Up BEFORE we Even Started?: DAY 321, now having read it, I suggest one to read it to assist with further clarity with regards to Facing Uncertainty.  The same applies to the blog written yesterday by Creation’s Journey to Life titled: Day 324: What Characterize a Demon? (Part One), specifically regarding the following quote:

“Taking the Example of ‘Feeling Not Good Enough’ – this would Start as an Emotion, internalized, and then the Emotion will start ‘defining itself’ into and as Thoughts that manifest, and the thoughts would cycle, repetitively in the Mind and so generate the emotion; and with self’s participation in and as it – would ‘Characterize’ self into and as the ‘who I am’ and believe SELF to be the characterized emotion as Thoughts as ‘I’M Not Good Enough’. When, all the while: the ‘Not Good Enough’ was simply an emotional energy-program, that self characterized into and as a ‘who I am’. Then, from the internal creation and design of the Emotion into a Character, through and as Thought – one will eventually start Speaking and Living it ‘as Self’ and so BECOME the Character of the Emotion as ‘Not Good Enough’; and in this Process – self become ‘Lost’ in/as Energy, Emotion and the Characterization thereof that we create through Thought.” Bernard Poolman 

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Day 206: The Suffering of Others

I’ve never really considered myself as the type of person who gets off on the suffering of others. I was wrong, because as it turns out, I do. It can be something so seemingly unimportant, something as simple as what happened around here recently.

My 2 1/2 year old granddaughter’s dad had went to the store earlier in the day and it wasn’t until just before bedtime that he realized he had forgotten to purchase diapers. We live at least 45 minutes from the nearest store open at that time of the night and he was already tired and had to get up in 6 hours to go to work. There was the temptation in considering that 6 diapers would get her through the next day, but I wasn’t willing to take the chance of her having to wear a dirty one until they got home from work. So I insisted that he go on to the store and quite frankly, I saw the situation as a lack of self-responsibility on their part for forgetting to get diapers in the first place. As he left for the store I saw how I was relishing in the back chat that was existing in my mind in thinking, ‘this’ll teach him’. I mean, he has to get up at 4:30 in the morning to get to work on time and he works really hard all day, so for me to find comfort in him having to go to the store, like some sort of suffering for his negligence, was quite an alarming site to myself existing in/as.

As he closed the door and left for the store, I heard a voice within me that said: ‘Shame on You’!  I sat there and breathed and stopped the energy swirling within me. The energetic reaction, a sort of spite and animosity that reaches far beyond my own comprehension, yet I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to participate, I am accepting and allowing all suffering within this world to exist.

It begins here within me, within what I accept and allow the inner me to be, and it is my responsibility to investigate who I am as it, forgive it and walk the self-corrective application to stop living as it.

How can suffering end as long as I am living as that which support it?

The shame that I was experiencing was the relationship that I have with fear and guilt and I was reminded of the Creation’s Journey to Life Blog which I had read earlier in the day, because I realized in that moment that I was fearing the shame I experienced myself as. I suggest reading the entire blog titled: Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realisation

Here is a quote from the blog:

“Do Not FEAR Shame. That is what Parents and the System use to Control you. Fear of SHAME. EMBRACE Shame, if you can Find it!

In the Shame you will See WHAT YOU ACCEPT and Allow and How that INFLUENCE and HARM others on a Level of Life – NOT the System. System Shame is to Not Pay your Debts – then you are blacklisted to Force you to Shame. That is Not Real Shame. That is Control, like a Parent Forcing a Child into Submission to Adhere to the System of Slavery. That is Why the Parent will Never teach the Child Real Shame, only the Shame of Slavery.

Real Shame is the Key to FREEDOM, the Key to Silence WITHIN, the KEY to LOVE, the Key to LIFE, the KEY to a New World, the KEY to Forgiveness, the KEY to Self-Honesty, the KEY to Intimacy, the Key to TRUST, the Key to Insight, the Key to the Universe, the KEY to Life.

Those without Real Shame, will attempt to Shame you to SHUT you UP – because they have no Shame. Pity them, because they have Lost Life Forever.” Bernard Poolman

the suffering of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a guilt-fear reaction, fear from the perspective of ‘I’m not suppose to feel this way’, and guilt from the perspective of ‘but I like how it makes me feel so why is it wrong if I am enjoying it’, and shame within the fact of what I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it’s in the smallest details of that which we accept, allow and ignore, that we manifest and create the greatest of life’s atrocites.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the real shame within choosing comfort and rest within myself and my little world while throughout the entire world there is a vast number of those who silently suffer in war, poverty and starvation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my own enjoyment and to imagine having all the conveniences that modern living with lots of money can bring and within that haven’t considered how in order for me to have all that, there must be those that go without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach guilt, anger and shame to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the one design that connects us all is our enslavement to Money in that we willingly let many suffer while a few live in luxary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to be dishonest in my choice to in fear seek only to protect myself, to only be concerned and care about me and my family and my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and give value to life through my own illusionary imaginative mind of self-interest, money / power and greed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I abdicate my self-responsibility through animosity in blaming the perception I have of others as not taking self-responsibility as the reason for how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project anger and animosity upon others and relish in their mistakes because I fear facing my own experience of/as inferiority/inadequacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the energy of anger as an excuse for not investigating my resistance to self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my words and tonality towards others as a way of projecting my own feelings of guilt and shame onto them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the shame in the truth of me as the nature of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the inner me which is manifested as the outer me as how our world/reality currently exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self- responsibility for myself in standing up for all as one as equal as me, in living the solution for all as one as equal to stop what I / We have accepted and allowed within ourselves and within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being shamed by others for making the decision to change myself to be the sort of human being that will stand up and support a world/money system that will be supportive of All living beings according to what’s best for all, from birth till death, because I see, realize and understand that the Real Shame is in the accepting and allowing of even one to suffer while another has it all.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into a guilt-fear reaction,  fear from the perspective of ‘I’m not suppose to feel this way’, and guilt from the perspective of ‘but I like how it makes me feel so why is it wrong if I am enjoying it’, and shame within the fact of what I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as I stop, I breathe.  I direct myself to investigate what’s really going on within me and to establish myself within self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop this pattern of polarity conflict where I go into shame and guilt to cover up how I’m experiencing myself instead of actually understanding what’s going on within and as me.

I commit myself to continue to investigate my relationship to money to further my understanding of how the decisions I make contribute either to the suffering of others or the well being of others, the choice and responsibility is always here as me.

I commit myself to Stop and Change who I am within accepting and allowing the needless suffering of life due to our corrupt world/money system, to support Equal Money Capitalism, to bring an end to all suffering.

Day 205: I’m too old for this!

More than once when I was younger and my children were small my babysitter would cancel and I would have to take them over to my mother’s house so I could go to work. When I would arrive later to pick them up it was common for her to tell me: ‘I’m too old for this’!

I mean I heard her say that so many times, and every time she must have felt guilty for saying it because she would always add a reminder to me of how much she ‘loved’ her grandchildren, but that they were just about to much for her to handle, what with her already daily duties of keeping the house clean and cooking supper for her and dad.

Back then I never looked at her words as being part of a program, a constructed pattern within and as who she was as her mind. Instead I judged her for saying so and I remember experiencing myself within a sort of euphoric state of denial. Because within my programming, within my own mind of delusion, I was sure that I would never come to feel like and thus live as the words: ‘I’m too old for this’!

Little did I know or comprehend how in that moment of my participation in thinking that I would never come to feel like that, that I already was it. Already accepting and allowing myself to become the same preprogrammed design of and as my mind. And, here, years later and today I heard the inner proof of my self accepted programming when within my mind I heard myself say: ‘I’m too old for this’!

too old for this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a self-righteous moral attitude of superiority manipulating myself with excuses to not move myself, but to remain the same, stuck in my own fear hiding within a beLIEf system of self immortality and self-interest where I continue to argue for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on an imaginary picture of myself within my mind where I physically remain looking the same within the idea of myself as being ‘pretty as a picture’, and completely unaware of my physical behavioral movements and the reactions within myself as my mind participation and the damaging effects I am manifesting unto my physical body and physical world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the inner me is that which manifests the outer me as this world within which we experience ourself, thus, when I participate in back chat and/or an internal conversation of: ‘I’m too old for this’, that what I am really doing is reacting within and as an enery of anger, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that how I am experiencing myself is unique and that I am alone having to give up something special of myself and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that the inner conflict that exists within me is the inner conflict that exist within all other beings as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others within my world within a feeling of ‘importance’ where within that I don’t realize that such a reaction is actually towards a projection of an image/picture that exists within my mind reaching for greatness – thus, is Not in fact a real expression of me as who I am in/as my own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest pain within and as me as my physical body within and as the back chat of: ‘I’m too old for this’ where I become physically stiff with my chest protruding out standing with a force that does nothing but enforce an energy of resistance, of self-sabotage and denial of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequence of defining who I am within the back chat of ‘I’m too old for this’ is that in doing so I’m walking my process for an individual want, need and desire and not really changing myself, only seeking to fulfill my own self-fulfilling prophecy therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within something that has become very automatic and convenient to keep myself deliberately in a state of self-controlled manipulation.

I commit myself to STOP this pattern of self-controlled manipulation because I know what to do to start changing, to start expanding and letting go of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become and what the consequences are of doing so within myself and thus what I am accepting and allowing to continue as abuse within existence.

I commit myself to slow myself down and walk the self-corrective application of becoming clear in my communication as my words, my vocalization and my physical body movement to/towards others.

I commit myself to further investigating what wants and desires I’m still holding onto and excusing because of self-interest as that which I’ve continued to drag alongside of myself as I’m walking this Journey to Life so as to assist myself to be able to Stand and Direct myself according to what’s best for all.

Day 204: It is Time to Change

Yesterday I was gifted with an interview from Eqafe titled: It is Time to Change.

This was perfect timing for me, because I’ve been on a time loop for awhile now where what’ll happen is that I access an energy movement, and from there I’ll reference a moment from my past and then utilize it to condition myself in the present within my mind into a mental and physical condition / experience – until I cause myself to be completely immobile. Unfortunately I’ve repeated such behavior until at the end of the day I’ve usually completely sabotaged myself to the point where I feel completely overwhelmed and ultimately ashamed of myself for not pushing myself through the point of energy resistance.

Even now as I’m typing, I feel physically nauseous with resistance to continue. So, I can relate to what Anu refers to in the interview when he shares how one will experience a physical condition of limitation, of like being completely immobile in the back chat of: “I can’t do anything right now, it’s impossible”.

time to change
The process of change is through resistances. That I know to be true. Through applying the tools of Desteni I Process, pushing through the resistance and walking as a Group with Desteni, I’ve been able to stop not one but several addictive behaviors such as gambling, smoking pot and smoking cigarettes‘, as well as being able to stop taking of 11 highly addictive prescription medications.

So Yes, it is definitely Time to change, it is Time for me to get the hell off the time loop, to stop what has been months of resistance and self-sabotage. It’s time for me to Change, to Stand as Stable support to bring about a World that is supportive of all Life according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time loop within the point of resisting to face who I am without any and all positive and negative energies for the fear of who I’ll be without them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the process of Life and Giving and Receiving and Walking in the shoes of another for granted within a self-righteous, holier-than-though attitude because the truth is I fear the shame in seeing what I have been willing to accept and allow to exist within this world. I fear taking responsibility for all life because I fear giving up having more than others because I am ashamed of the fact that I have believed that I deserve to have more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access an energy movement and within that reference a past moment to utilize in order to condition myself within my mind into a mental and physical state/condition experience where I become completely immobile within a point of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the trap of energy, be it negative and/or positive, and to from there sink into a despair of hopelessness all of which is how I manipulate myself to excuse and justify Not moving and pushing myself through the point of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the past and the future to talk myself into where I’ve come from and using it to manifest what is ahead for me in creating my present ‘condition’ within my mind where I eventually talk myself into even more limitation into a physical experience of being completely immobile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to linger in an energy experience that then goes into threads of excuses and back chat within my mind of, “I can’t do anything right now, it’s impossible”, and then justify reasons as to why I continue to argue for my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself ‘putting off changing until tomorrow’ through justifying how and what I’m accepting myself as within the fear of who I’ll be if I do change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that that which I’ve been resisting is the fear of facing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to oppose me as my physical body within degrees of resistance for which I hold onto fear within the pit of my stomach.

I commit myself to stop giving in to resistance as fear.

I commit myself to Stop justifying my participation in the energy movements that keep me time looping and arguing for my own limitation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into a pattern of resistance which begins with a positive and/or negative energetic experience, I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have walked similar energetic resistance before, thus I Stand within the decision to stop and direct myself to walk the self-corrective application to become a point of stability according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself stuck in a pattern of resistance to stop, breathe and move myself to write and forgive myself.

I commit myself to STOP using the past and the future to talk myself into where I’ve come from and using it to manifest what is ahead for me in creating my present ‘condition’ within my mind where I eventually talk myself into even more limitation into a physical experience of being completely immobile.

I commit myself to move myself within my physical reality to get things done that matter to my process of the Journey to Life.

I commit myself to changing who I am as a selfish inconsiderate greedy bitch to one who will Stand up for Life, who will never stop until every single living being is able to experience Life in a dignified manner according to what’s best for all.

I re-commit myself to my process of walking this Journey to Life to it’s fullest potential in seeing, realizing and understanding that I have this one Life to make every breath count to support real change for All Life through Equal Money Capitalism to bring about Heaven on Earth.
——-
Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Join the forum:
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Investigate Equal Money Capitalism

Day 182: It’s Not Personal – it’s PERSONALITY

“Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.” ~ Meg Ryan from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’

I used to believe that I loved that quote from the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’, because I believed that’s how it should be between people. Personal. I’ve since realized how the whole idea of being in a personal relationship with another person has been nothing more than personal conflicts – conflicts of personalities.

When we take things personal, it’s because within our mind we’re acting according to whatever character or personality we’re existing as – where we have a complete storyline going on within our mind as we participate in thoughts, feelings and emotions which we beLIEve to be real. We don’t realize how the story begins and ends in self-interest and ego while we’re busy existing in and as the energy that it takes to maintain the experience we believe we’re having.

So the point I’m looking at here is personality and experience – which began with fear.  Fear that began when my partner communicated to me his recent thoughts – which he’d been stopping, but nevertheless thoughts he’d been having with regards to his desire to receive attention from female coworkers – which he realized is/was an attempt to validate his own negative experience to change it into a positive one.  As he shared with me,  I thought it was very cool,  and I was pleased with how we were communicating.

But then, later that night when I went to sleep, I woke up after having a dream where there was only a brief image, an image of my partner in the arms of someone else, an image that in my past I had often been aware of but had always dismissed it but after seeing it in my sleep I noticed how I was suppressing myself and how I was left with a gloomy depressed feeling that I can not trust anyone.

As I’ve been walking this process, one thing I know for sure is that everything I experience within and without is a direct reflection of myself.  And I realize that I’ve never been able to trust myself, yet, I see how my mindset changed towards my partner and I realize that I have to investigate this point further because I see how I’m pulling away and separating myself further and further from him. Which means I’m pulling away and separating myself further from myself.

I also noticed the internal conversation/ backchat within my mind that was repeating – where I was telling myself over and over: ‘it’s not personal’. Yet, the many character’s and personalities that I exist as within my mind ‘felt’ that it was very personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the origin of personality begins in/with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personal because I see, realize and understand that what ‘feels’ personal is in conflict with a personality I’m existing as within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ rejection and within that I forgive myself for not realizing that when I fear rejection it’s because I accept myself as imperfect, unsatisfactory, and/or useless and powerless, thus I forgive myself for judging myself through the eyes and ears of consciousness as fear and comparison of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, unwanted with no way to provide for myself and within that not realizing that when I accept the fear of being alone and unwanted and fearful that I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself, it’s because I don’t trust myself and instead of investigating myself in self-honesty as to why and how come I don’t trust myself, I project that separation/fear onto others – when the fact is, when I direct myself in self-honesty according to what’s best for all and catch a glimpse of what it is to Not exist in separation from myself and others as myself, that’s when I comprehend how the fear of self/others diminish, and I begin to establish a point of self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I pursue someone/something for energy, such as love and happiness, that within my pursuit of ‘it’ I’m separating myself from myself as ‘it’, thus ‘it’ (for example: love and happiness) becomes more than me, thus why I exist in fear of and am able to be controlled and directed by ‘it’ as me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought/image within my mind of my partner smiling in the arms of someone else, and I see how the image is important because when I see that image within my mind, I experience guilt and shame, because within that image holds a memory of myself as my own past behavior and the deceptive nature I once existed as, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself and my partner as I tried to escape from the negative depressed state of mind and experience I was having of myself by seeking for attention outside our relationship as a way of validating myself and thus providing myself with a positive energy experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a character/personality of and as my mind where I am only concerned about whether or not I am having a positive energy experience – one which serves it’s purpose by stroking my own ego and for the depths of evil that I have existed as within my mind when/as I’m am seeking for attention, just so I can try and believe that I’m having the ultimate experience – one where all I want to do is to relieve myself from feeling negative, so much so, that I haven’t stopped and considered the consequences of my experience and how it manifests in the lives of others within and as my world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a “I told myself so’ attitude towards my partner, where in fear I believe I can’t trust him and thus I imagine myself walking away and informing him that I will not be mistreated, that I would rather be alone and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my imagination in this plays out exactly how I have existed as towards myself, where when I realize I am facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed as my past and my behavior, that I will hide within myself and pout and feel sorry for myself and as such I can’t forgive myself and thus I never reach a point of real substantial change within, and as a result I continue repeating the same mindset/patterns over and over and the results are manifested within and as me as my physical body and world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I have internal conversation and back chat that says: ‘It’s not personal” and ‘he can’t be trusted’ that what I am doing is accepting myself within a point of self-denial where I distract myself through judging others because I secretly judge myself for not facing myself and directing myself in self-honesty within and as a point of self-correction and self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and condemn my partner as being the reason for my perception of myself as being unhappy, because I see, realize and understand that I have existed within the belief that in order for me to be happy then I must have a positive energetic experience, and if I am having a negative experience then I must be unhappy and within that, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the true nature of my thought participation which will assist me to understand how and why I experience myself the way that I am.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an abdication of self and life in such denial that I will manifest within my stomach a sinking feeling and a feeling of nausea, therefore, I commit myself to stop existing in self-denial through living behind the characters and personalities of and as my mind as memories and patterns that I realize are preprogrammed from my parents and society, and to instead commit myself to stop manifesting the physical consequences of self-dishonesty by committing myself to myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically manifest the consequences within and as my physical body of and as infection due to how I have existed in and as rejection where I deny myself as who I’ve been and what I’ve accepted and allowed as evil and abuse to continue to exist within and as myself and my world as myself.

I commit myself to when I feel fear to stop and investigate who I am as it.

I commit myself to stop taking things personally and if and when I see that I am taking something personal, I stop, I breathe – instead I slow myself down and bring it back to self to see how and what self is existing as, to thus forgive and walk the self-corrective application to redesign what self has accepted and allowed and realign self with and as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to realize that I have always existed as some sort of character and/or personality because that is how I have hid from myself in fear, and I see, realize and understand that in self-honesty I am able to redirect myself to reach a point of self-intimacy and establish self-trust.

I commit myself to breathe and become aware of and forgive myself for when I’m searching for and/or existing in negative and positive energy experiences.

I commit myself to changing myself through Desteni I Process and walking the Journey to Life because I see, realize and understand that it is only through changing myself within, that I will be able to walk as a living example and effectively support a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to STOP seeking attention because in seeking I am stroking my ego and existing in self-interest which is unacceptable, thus, I commit myself to breathe and walk with gratitude for/as self.

I commit myself to stop rejecting myself and my world as myself in fear of what I may discover.

Day 165: On the take

The point I’m seeing within myself and am applying self-forgiveness for is manipulation and the extent that I have seen that I will go in how I have manipulated myself and others in my attempt at surviving within our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘on the take’, where I’ve lived my life always seeking to take from what is here yet never willing to give unconditionally to all that which I believed I had the right to take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bombard myself with secret fears of giving in to the desires of my mind thus ‘taking from’ that which gives me life as who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am on the take I am willing to use, abuse and manipulate to get what I want when I want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I will tell you what you want to hear to try and make you trust me and then I will swoop in and thank you for giving me that which you swore you would never let go of because that’s how evil lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I’m on the take I have one goal in mind and that is that I am always looking for ways to make money and I won’t care who has to go without in order for me to reach my goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I am on the take I am accepting and allowing myself to be used up within a world/money system that plays us against each other and yet we don’t realizes the odds are always in favor of the world/money system as the win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my life always feeling like I had to look out for me and if that meant that I had to take from others then so be it, and within that not realizing that I was never actually living because I was constantly paying for the service of being able to live.

When and as I see myself thinking about ways to take from others instead of giving – I stop, I breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is vital that I direct me as my mind instead of my mind directing me. Thus, I commit myself to stop existing in self-interest and greed and stop manipulating others and to instead ground myself here standing in support of a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to facing who I am as the role that I play within our current world/money system.

I commit myself to slow myself down and stop allowing myself to rush through my life as I see, realize and understand that in my rushing I have been abusing myself and others as myself.

I commit myself to not give up on myself as I continue walking this process because I see, realize and understand how I have been manipulating myself in how I’ve been participating in thoughts of fear and frustration according to some recent pain and changes within and as my physical body.

Day 164: Innerspace

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated within myself where within me as my physical body I feel as if I’m experiencing myself as having to push myself through the great barrier reef of suppressed self-judgment and emotions which I have attached a definition of myself to which reads failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when within my mind I hear, ‘suck it up and ignore the pain within yourself’, to not realize that I’m manipulating and justifying who I am so much so that I reach a point of the grandest of self illusions -where I’ve got no clue who and/or what character or personality will show up as me when I stand before friends and family who know me best in how I’ve always pretended to be what I perceive they expect me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my mind exist as crooked, dishonest and basically someone who has been full of shit in how I become angry towards my children and my partner, and then have the nerve to wonder why I have pain in and as my physical body which in itself feels crooked with kinks in it, and within that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how through the relationships I have with my children and my partner, I have suppressed myself in and as guilt, shame and regret and where I direct myself as such through and as emotions inward unto me as my physical body which causes within me a sense of loss which I then define myself as in fear of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not able to forgive me for the mother I have been in how I raised my children in and as self-interest, fear and greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when experiencing pain within and as my physical body to participate in the thought, ‘I can’t do this, it’s to painful’.

When and as I see myself go into fear where I tighten up and suppress myself and become characters and personalities that I see, realize and understand compound into and manifest systems within me as my physical body – I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to me as my physical body and this physical reality first and foremost to thus begin to be a living example of life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to forgiving me for the definition I have lived of myself as,  ‘a mom who failed her children’, and to redefine myself according to me as a mom breathing and walking here with both feet on the ground walking in and as self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop going emotionally bankrupt within and as my mind where I suppress within me raging systems of and consciousness as shame, regret and fear of loss.

I commit myself to forgive myself for the guilt I’ve existed as of not being the mother to my children that gives way to allow their child to express who they may become as life according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to accept the breath of life unto and as all of me as my physical body.

“I commit myself to remind each one that we are all guests on Earth and we have abused the hospitality of Earth and created an Asylum and Hospital out of Earth searching for Feelings of energy in Self-interest. Earth will no longer tolerate the abuse and we as Humanity will now face our final our within which each one must decide who The I will be, Life or Self Interest. There is no one that can deny that deep inside this hour has always been expected.” ~ Bernard Poolman