Day 140: Inside Out

Monday I had an appointment to have some much needed dental work done which I’m still not finished with but I’ve had quite a bit of fear about. Then on Tuesday, I came down sick with a head cold that I’m still not well from and then Wednesday, I became very frustrated with my partner which was actually a point of lack of communication on both our parts…

So, this week has been somewhat of a challenge and what I’ve realized is how destructive ‘inner conflict’ is in that, when I would see myself go into thoughts about going to the dentist, I would become irritated, anxious and very emotional where I felt raw and exposed, almost as if I was turning myself inside out.

It took me a couple of days to realize that I had put up a wall of defense which served as protection, for how I was justifying and defending the very fears I ‘thought’ I was stopping. Thus, here walking self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and ‘inner conflict‘ in relation to me having to have dental surgery this week and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed internal fighting within myself to the point where me and my mind have had conflicting positions in relation to the fear of going to the dentist, which ultimately generated friction within myself which then resulted in energy that lead me to a state of mind in believing how my experience at the dentist would result in/as pain and fear, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance toward going to the dentist until I internalized the fear into a point of inner conflict which caused me to become physically sick, and how within that, I became argumentative with my partner and expected him to somehow be able to ‘make me feel better’ about myself, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within internal conflict to the point that I became a character of gloom and doom and thus created myself into a state of depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put up a wall of defense and protection as justification – which stops me from being self intimate with me and thus intimate with others as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I suppress inner conflict and frustration within myself, that I then manifest myself in and as guilt, shame, and anger and thus lash out onto others – for example onto my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have through participating in and as thoughts and backchat of ‘what if’s’ within my mind, have created and manifested illness unto me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to a mood and/or a feeling, instead of realizing that I am here, I breathe and I direct me within the decision to stop participating within and as thoughts, feelings, moods and/or emotions/reactions/energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my mind in my own comfort zone where I didn’t realize I was dependent upon the sameness of my everyday wants, needs and desires, thus when my day doesn’t go as I ‘hope’, I go into fear, inner conflict, friction, energy and/or moods and depression.

I commit myself to stop internalizing who I am as fear and thus stop abusing me as my physical body.

I commit myself to stop who I am as energy within wants, needs and desires.

I commit myself to stop inner conflicts through stopping backchat and the ‘hope’ of what tomorrow will bring.

I commit myself to stop generating energy from inner conflict to that of outer conflicts within and as my world and to/toward my partner.

I commit myself to show that depression is ego and self-interest.

I commit myself to show that All depression and/or doom and gloom moods can be stopped in one moment of breath.

I commit myself to Re-Defining my Relationship with my Partner through the Relationship Course walking through the Desteni I Process.

I commit myself to show that fear only exists within and as my mind and is only as real as I accept and allow it, thus, I stop me as fear and I Breathe.

I commit myself to realize how Trust is only possible with Self in Self-honesty.