Tag Archive | blood

Day 155: Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/believe/participate in and as the thoughts: ‘Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it’ – six words that keep popping up within my mind following an image of me lowering my head and slightly rubbing my nose and pausing just as I’m sitting in front of the computer to write, where in that moment, I lose awareness of myself as breath and allowed myself to be distracted with the backchat in my head which caused me to reject myself, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in that moment within me, I was rejecting myself within the starting point of self-interest and unknowingly (when I slow myself down I realize what I’m doing) I would hide within myself from me and ultimately manifest intense pain within my physical body in my upper back region.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I manipulate myself where I justify my stuckness as unimportant and act as my own bad referee where I basically sideline myself, isolate myself, and literally remove myself from being the directive principle in self-honesty of and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I exist in and as resistance, my body language morphs into and as the resistance, where I cross my arms in defense and protection from others, and my right hand clutches my left hand,  basically, I hold a position of superiority while existing in and as inferiority, causing pain within my physical body, and lots of it, and secretly, I know within my mind that my physical body is showing me the tell-tale signs of my suppressed state, thus, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that when I slow myself down I am able to move beyond the point of resistance and thus stop the thoughts of and as my mind as the words saying to me: ‘Oh MY God, I’ve Lost it’, because I see, realize and understand how the words are me and represent a point of acceptance of how in the past I’ve allowed myself to sink into and as a resistance which manifests and creates physical pain within and as my back, thus I commit myself to stop what I see, realize and understand is a point of resistance, a sort of blockage of emotions and feelings within and as my physical body,  I breathe, I earth myself here in becoming the directive principle of/as and for me in order to first change myself through self-honesty from the inside out to thus stop resistance, to thus begin to express myself as who I am, to give my all to me through gratefulness for and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the amount of self suppression I have existed as, because I see, realize and understand how this Day 155, of me walking the Journey to Life , I realize that I am only now getting started, therefore, I commit myself to see, realize and understand both the magnitude and the simplicity of making the decision to continue writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, because I comprehend how it is only through this Journey that I will ever come close to being who I am, as well as having the opportunity to possibly birth myself as Life from the Physical. I am grateful to/for me as my physical body for supporting me as I walk this Journey and support a World according to what’s best for All.

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Day 140: Inside Out

Monday I had an appointment to have some much needed dental work done which I’m still not finished with but I’ve had quite a bit of fear about. Then on Tuesday, I came down sick with a head cold that I’m still not well from and then Wednesday, I became very frustrated with my partner which was actually a point of lack of communication on both our parts…

So, this week has been somewhat of a challenge and what I’ve realized is how destructive ‘inner conflict’ is in that, when I would see myself go into thoughts about going to the dentist, I would become irritated, anxious and very emotional where I felt raw and exposed, almost as if I was turning myself inside out.

It took me a couple of days to realize that I had put up a wall of defense which served as protection, for how I was justifying and defending the very fears I ‘thought’ I was stopping. Thus, here walking self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and ‘inner conflict‘ in relation to me having to have dental surgery this week and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed internal fighting within myself to the point where me and my mind have had conflicting positions in relation to the fear of going to the dentist, which ultimately generated friction within myself which then resulted in energy that lead me to a state of mind in believing how my experience at the dentist would result in/as pain and fear, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance toward going to the dentist until I internalized the fear into a point of inner conflict which caused me to become physically sick, and how within that, I became argumentative with my partner and expected him to somehow be able to ‘make me feel better’ about myself, therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within internal conflict to the point that I became a character of gloom and doom and thus created myself into a state of depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put up a wall of defense and protection as justification – which stops me from being self intimate with me and thus intimate with others as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how when I suppress inner conflict and frustration within myself, that I then manifest myself in and as guilt, shame, and anger and thus lash out onto others – for example onto my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have through participating in and as thoughts and backchat of ‘what if’s’ within my mind, have created and manifested illness unto me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to a mood and/or a feeling, instead of realizing that I am here, I breathe and I direct me within the decision to stop participating within and as thoughts, feelings, moods and/or emotions/reactions/energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my mind in my own comfort zone where I didn’t realize I was dependent upon the sameness of my everyday wants, needs and desires, thus when my day doesn’t go as I ‘hope’, I go into fear, inner conflict, friction, energy and/or moods and depression.


I commit myself to stop internalizing who I am as fear and thus stop abusing me as my physical body.

I commit myself to stop who I am as energy within wants, needs and desires.

I commit myself to stop inner conflicts through stopping backchat and the ‘hope’ of what tomorrow will bring.

I commit myself to stop generating energy from inner conflict to that of outer conflicts within and as my world and to/toward my partner.

I commit myself to show that depression is ego and self-interest.

I commit myself to show that All depression and/or doom and gloom moods can be stopped in one moment of breath.

I commit myself to Re-Defining my Relationship with my Partner through the Relationship Course walking through the Desteni I Process.

I commit myself to show that fear only exists within and as my mind and is only as real as I accept and allow it, thus, I stop me as fear and I Breathe.

I commit myself to realize how Trust is only possible with Self in Self-honesty.

Day 134: How I killed Bin Laden

Please Read for Context: How I killed Bin Laden – –

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid seeing the part that I play within the killing of others because I fear if I see who I am as it I might lose my mind, thus, I commit myself to face who I am within the atrocities of this world in order to forgive myself and stop the insanity of and as my mind as consciousness, and to instead direct myself to be and become a stable foundation of support for and as all Living beings in supporting a world/money system which will support all Life according to what’s best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how our current world/money system fuels fear and ignites hate amongst us.

Art By Kelly Posey

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world/money system where we are easily led to blame others instead of investigating the facts and how within our panic and fear and the want to believe we fall prey to conspiracy to such a degree that we will stand in the street and cheer when our victim of blame is murdered in his home and in front of his own children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am just as responsible for the death of Bin Laden as the one who pulled the trigger because I stand by and accept and allow acts of terror by those who I have voted for as I continue to support them through and as our current world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that our current world/money system is the pillar that keeps the abuse of this world in tact by those who have all the money/power while the thousands who die daily from starvation are left unseen and unheard by those of us who continue to accept and allow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that acts of terrorism occurs daily in the thousands of children around the world who starve to death and yet we turn a deaf ear to them because if we were to actually hear their cries we would realize we must let go of self-interest and greed and take responsibility for our whole world and we’ve not been willing to do that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how taking the life of another in order to bring forth peace in the world will never be the solution because to kill in the name of life is in-fact the acceptance of death as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the moment that I accept the death of another as being a solution for life is the moment that I have abdicated myself from and as life itself.

I commit myself to show how violence is never a solution to bring forth peace/equality within our world.

I commit myself to show how it is useless to blame another for that which I’m not willing to stand responsible for and as.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand how that which exists here begins with me within what I accept and allow, thus, if I accept and allow life to be taken/killed at the expense of an experience for myself as being/having more than another, then, I have shown myself how I am that which I am accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself for not realizing how fear and money dictate who I have become through the direction of and as those who have all the money/power within our world, and how as such, I have never considered what it means to actually take responsibility for how our world/money system exists, therefore, I Stop. I breathe. I commit myself to investigate how I am the creator of my own fears and how the act of me supporting Equal Money will assist me to face and stop who I am as fear as well as giving myself the opportunity to see who I am walking together as a group as one with all living beings in manifesting Heaven on Earth according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to show how to not take self-responsibility for the physical well being of All Living beings is to disregard the physical beingness of and as Self, because to not support the physicality of All living beings is to disregard the very substance of which I exist from and as.

I commit myself to show how Equal Money will bring an end to suffering, starvation and war.

I commit myself to show how Equal Money will provide complete support for All living beings from Birth til Death.

I commit myself to show how Equal Money is the only Solution that supports all living beings to Birth Life from the Physical.

“I commit myself to SHOW that the Inner Humanity as Caring for Life DOES NOT Exist in the Human as Consciousness as Self-Interest is Accepted and Promoted as a Positive approach to Benefit, while the Real Way to Benefit all Life, is to GIVE as One would Like to Receive, which is Equality as what is Best for all Life, Always.

I commit myself to SHOW that ALL Conspiracy is ALWAYS Fear of Ignorance where the Value of What Life Really is Equally in Each One, is NOT Realized.

I commit myself to SHOW that What is Allowed and Accepted as Life on Earth, IS IN FACT an Inner Decision by Each Individual.”~ Bernard Poolman

Day 123: God’s Will Is A LIE

After an evening with my partner, watching a movie, the following Self-forgiveness was inspired while hearing the numerous ‘praise & worship’songs scattered throughout the movie.

I forgive myself for not realizing how what I was looking for – when I submitted to the character of and as my mind as the ‘take me just as I am mindset’ – was that of hope in something greater than the perception I had of myself, thus, I pretended to not see the bloodshed of thousands upon thousands who suffer and die daily as I justified death as “The Will of God“, because the fact is blood is shed in our acceptance of our world/money system which glorifies profit over that which is real as our Physical Body and our Earth as this Physical “Reality, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the love of God made me ‘special’, ‘just as I am’, not realizing that when Man speaks, God speaks, because “The Will of God” is “The Will of Man”, as the creator of our reality, as the choices we accept and allow.

I forgive myself for not realizing that the lamb of God was like a guilt offering that I sought for to relieve me of my own guilt for abdicating myself from life within the beLIEf that “The Will of God” would redeem me from that which I feared the most which was me as my mind as consciousness, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing that “The Will of God” is actually the will of the mind as consciousness and another word for ownership and possession wherein our secret mind we allow ourselves to manipulate relationships to gain more money as possessions within feelings and emotions and experiences where we boost our ego and then refer to what we accomplish as “The Will of God.”

I forgive myself for not realizing that when I praised “The Will of God”, I was actually praising the illusions of and as my Mind and desensitizing myself to the reality of how life exists within an abusive world/money system and as long as I accepted “The Will of God” as real, then I could momentarily avoid facing myself and my responsibility, and for awhile I was able to avoid myself and ignore the suffering and pain of others, until one day I could not, thus I see, realize and understand that eventually we can no longer run from that which we are, and inevitably we will have to face who we’ve become as our mind as ego, self-interest and greed, thus to see little by little how everything we’ve ever believed in, has been a LIE, and we let go and we Stop and we breathe. We forgive ourself and we realize that we can no longer live the Lie, thus, I commit myself to stop fighting for Life and to instead Support Life in Supporting Equal Money.

I commit myself to have the courage to live self-honesty and to show that if I’m able to stop and face myself and support a world according to what’s best for All, then anyone can.

I commit myself to Stop “The Will of God“, which is Man as Greed, Self-interest and Ego, and to show how the only valid purpose for being here is to establish a world that is best for All Life in All ways.

I commit myself to show how the lies we’ve taught our children – including those with regards to “The Will of God” – throughout our history enforces reactions to fear and survival and how in an Equal Money System children will be taught common sense life skills according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to show how when profit is taken out of the equation and we produce goods and services within the starting point of what’s best for All life, including nature, animals and our physical reality of/as planet earth, we’ll see how with Equal Money – there will never be a reason for anybody to suffer at the hands of profit and/or self-interest and greed.

I commit myself to show how Equal Money will for the first time in the History of Man provide effective support for our Physical bodies and our Physical Reality.

I commit myself to show how the “Will of Self as Life” wherein All Life exists according to that which is Best for All is the Desteni of MANKIND.

“I commit myself to show that Jesus understood the Word as Life as Living flesh, but also understood that the Human was Not Ready to Realize until all is Lost, and the End of Life is Certain. We have Reached that Time – and Each will Face a Final choice which will be proven as the Living Flesh and Only those as the Living Flesh that Live what is Best for All Life as Neighbours, will enter Life.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 122: InSIDE Hide

Once in awhile I experience pain around my left side, stomach/groin area which feels kind of like a pulled muscle, but that’s not what it is. I asked Anu for perspective about a month ago and he suggested it was a point of hiding, which made a lot of sense to me. I never investigated the point further, mostly because the pain hadn’t returned. Then today, the pain returned with a vengence. As I began to experience the pain – still in the same area of my physical body – I saw my hiding and I realized that I have always been aware of this point that I exist as, IF/WHEN, I will slow myself down and breathe, and welcome me in from hiding as who I really am as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within and as knowledge and information as energy within how I partipate within thoughts, internal conversations, reactions of and as emotions and feelings of/as positive, negative and the neutral of and as enegy experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as someone who is insidious’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and thus hide within feelings of shame of existing within and as knowledge and information where I hide within what I’ve learned throughout my entire life, and within that how I allow guilt to accumulate from becoming that which I’ve learned to where I become consumed to the point where I elude any chance of ever becoming aquainted with myself, because as such, I’m escaping any understanding of myself within the perception of/as being that of a particular piece of knowledge and information and where within that I forbid myself to question the very nature of myself and thus my own answers elude me, thus, I forgive myself for not realizing how within my ‘insidious hideouts’, I manifest formations of guilt within and as a total memory/character recall of and as my mother – how I saw her reject her physical body in how she existed in hiding within and as fear as knowledge and information – where she would become so full of shame and guilt that she would punish her physical body through smoking and/or over eating – and how I have become and lived as that mind character of entrapment as well.

I forgive myself for not realizing how within the layers of my hide/flesh, I have remained unaware of how the very life substance is drained from me according to and through my participation within and as knowledge and information. Wherein every moment that I accept and allow myself to be and become separate from the words I speak of/as my mind as directed by consciousness within and as energies of/as reactions and feelings and emotions, how in that moment when I am more aware of a thought within my mind than I am of who I am within and as breath as my physical body, is the moment that I become accepting of myself as a system of/as abuse, greed, self-interest and death.

I forgive myself for not realizing that the inner mysteries of me as my physical body will continue to elude me until I slow down, breathe and become willing to commit myself to exploring and investigating myself from the inside out within self-honesty, no matter how ‘insidious’ who I am appears to be, for it is within my perception of ‘the ugly’ that I will release my perception of ‘the pretty’ – where the ‘insidious’ of and as that which I’ve come to accept as the perception of myself within and as self-interest exists only according to knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for not realizing that when I am hiding within program manifestations of and as knowlendge and information that I am actually accepting and allowing me as my physical body to form strings of tension wherein I am actually forming patterns of degenerations within my physical body where I’m not breathing effectively and thus I manifest damage within and unto my internal organs and flesh creating pain within and as my physical body/flesh and bone.

I forgive myself for not realizing the degree of fear I have with regards to facing myself in self-honesty because I have hidden within knowledge and information in/as shame and guilt and believed that I was that.


I forgive myself for not realizing that I fear my perception that if I were to become completely self-honest that others may not like me, instead of realizing that it is only myself that I am actually fearing disappointing.

I commit myself to comprehending that the DIS in APPOINT only exists within and as the pain in ignoring the Point of Self within Forgiving self in/as Self-honesty.

I commit myself to let go of and forgive who I am as knowledge and information.

I commit myself to not fear and shame that which I’ve accepted and allowed as who I am and to instead forgive and realign and redesign myself through self-corrective application.

I commit myself to STOP imprinting my Physical body and Physical reality with my mind according to knowledge and information.

I commit myself to get to know the details and specifics of my Human Physical body equal to and one with who I am as my Human Physical body.

I commit myself to embrace who I am as my Physical body within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself for not realizing that the actual real rebirth of Self as Life, can and will only manifest within and as Self-honesty, from within and as my Physical body and from and of this Physical existence, Thus, I commit myself to realizing that the actual rebirth of self as Life can and will only manifest within and as Self-honesty from within and as me as my Physical body and from and of this Physical existence.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Firstly the Person in the Journey to Life must become Equal to the Mind through being able to Not Participate in the Thoughts that Arise ALL the Time, and Be Here Breathing – before the Task can be taken on to Remove the Programs in the Flesh to such a degree that eventually the Flesh will be Purified and the Person will become, in fact, the Living Flesh – and be able to Have Any Relationship or form in the Flesh without it Being the Dominant Control as Consciousness, and the Person will be in Fact the Dominion of the Flesh, with the Flesh itself Determining in Every Breath the Actuality of Life Directed, and Be Here as Life – and thus at the Death, the Person will Cross the Divide as Life and Be Everywhere as Here, Always. In this it must be Realized How Time and Flesh Functions and that the Process of First becoming Equal to the Mind and Flesh before Directive Life will be here as Self, as Principle, as Equal, will take a minimum of 7 Years of Daily Application IN EVERY Breath, but more Likely take 14 years due to the Many Times that the Directive Will will Fall to the Current Dominion of the Programs that were allowed to Become the Flesh as the Physical Mind.” ~ Bernard Poolman