Day 85: WithHolding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as a character holding a grudge of blame to/towards another, not seeing/realizing and understanding how whatever I experience to/towards another is what I’m actually projecting unto them of/as who I am, thus whatever I experience to/towards another is how/what I’m actually experiencing inward to/toward myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize or understand that when existing within a character of/as my mind where I hold a grudge against another, I am actually holding myself hostage within a point of manifested self suppression in a space of righteous anger, self-judgement and self-victimization where I become a living habit as the grudge I hold against another, which is actually a grudge against myself for not meeting the expectations of my mind that I have placed myself within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave to/towards another according to how I behave and experience myself in relationship to how I hold myself within and as characters of/as me as my mind – in how I have defined me in relationship to/as them according to how I have I defined them in relationship to me – wherein I as ‘the victim‘ of my own imagination – will accept and allow myself to be the judge and the jury against what I believe I saw within another – when in-fact what I was seeing/existing as/was my own self-reflection of/as the friend/fiend – looking through me as my physical mind eyes, from within my unconscious mind of/as a glass window pane – where me as a mind consciousness system will scan through all of my memories/characters and personalities – which I have created and manifested in/as my relationship to/towards a particular person who I ‘believe’ I hold a grudge to/toward – when in-fact, I as my mind as consciousness is holding a grudge against myself within the point of conflicting resonant patterns/character/personalities according to what I alone have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when corrected by someone to go into absolute fear inside myself where I then withhold myself and basically go into hiding within a space of blurriness where my reality and/or my idea of it completely changes and, I create in my secret mind an outward gr-judge toward whoever I perceive as having done me wrong – yet, I’m actually withholding myself from myself because within that I didn’t see/realize and understand how the only grudge I hold is in judgment to/as myself which is always directed inward towards myself causing damage upon me as my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize and understand how what I withhold from myself is that which I’m holding in/as suppression which manifest without unto our world, thus, actually withstanding life itself from manifesting as a world according to what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in/as holding a grudge to/toward myself through participating in and as internal conversations/backchat causing internal damage to my organs and flesh of and as me as my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in/as a character holding a grudge to not see/realize and understand how I deliberately inferiorize myself, where I make myself less than in order to please another so I’ll be appreciated and/or accepted, because I have yet to appreciate and/or accept myself thus, I compromise myself within an idea that doing something for someone will validate who I am, because then I’ll be recognized and/or known as ‘special’ within our current world/society/money system – yet, in the act of holding a grudge within my mind, I am deliberately compromising myself in order to further my hope in establishing the illusionary position of power within my mind, and, when my planning falls through as it always has – I become ill willed with resentment to/towards anyone who didn’t support me in my quest for the role of said victory, therefore, within that I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized and understood how in holding a grudge against another I have created indigestion in the pit of my stomach from/as existing in anger to/toward myself for how I accept and allow myself to be in holding myself hostage in/as a character within my mind of holding a grudge.

I forgive myself that I haven’t seen/realized and/or understood how in holding a grudge, when I ‘feel’ like I’ve Not got what I wanted and/or intended – when/as I exert reactions to/toward another, I’m only actually reacting towards myself, because in self-honesty, I see how I’ve compromised myself in how I give myself away to my mind in my search of appreciation and acceptance – instead of giving and being appreciation and acceptance as myself in living it as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how in/as the character who holds a grudge against another is actually me existing within self-judgment, resentment and anger, which I hold unto me as my physical body within a point of creating a victim of/as me as my physical body thus, manifesting illness and DisEase within myself, where I then seek to SIP off the energy I perceive in others, thus I GO after them through deliberately gossiping about them as a way of protecting/defending/securing myself within my mind of memories through how I’ve developed my characters/personalities from in the first place.

(Please read Heaven’s Blog for further clarity)