Tag Archive | world

Day 284: Redefining and Commitment to Living ‘Grace’

When I looked within myself at how I’ve lived the word ‘grace’, I could see that although I completely comprehend how we as a society have defined it, such as in ‘merriam-webster’:

: a way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward
: a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving
graces : skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations

I hadn’t really ever considered what living the word ‘grace’ may look like or mean.  In fact, when I looked at how I felt inside myself when I looked at the word ‘grace’, what I saw was a feeling of awkwardness and an almost stumbling within myself, like a ‘not knowing’ so to speak.

So I realized that I’ve never really considered that I’ve not only the ability to redefine who I am as ‘grace’, but I’ve also the responsibility to do so.  In doing so, one like’s to think it would be easy to redefine who one is as ‘grace’, however, asking oneself important questions like ‘what does it mean to live the word ‘grace’ and, ‘what would that mean being for oneself, one’s body, and way of living‘?

It’s not an easy question to answer or live as because who we are as our mind depends upon things from our outside world to stimulate and entertain us, so it requires a slowing down within oneself in order to assist oneself effectively.
grace
When I first began to focus on and redefine myself as ‘grace’, it was cool, but kind of surprising when I realized just how much I reLIEd upon the energy I would get when I’d participate in any way in the bizarre little personal attacks on myself that I was accepting as backchat within my mind.

It’s cool when you commit to investigating these things that are going on within your mind, you begin to see just how ridiculous it all is – like the small sentences of backchat where in your head your hearing things like, ‘you can’t do this’, ‘I’m tired‘, ‘your getting to old for that’, etc, all of which add up to some serious self-judgments and suppression.

So as I’ve been walking this point in real-time – forgiving myself for the self-loathing and self-critical way of thinking, and forgiving myself for allowing myself to be controlled to such a degree where I’ve been motivated to move myself by and as my mind – which is in itself physically exhausting and proof how damaging our thought processes are on our physical body.

Instead of allowing that, I directed myself to stop and forgive myself, so when a self-judgment thought would come up or re-occur, I would stop, breathe and focus on giving myself ‘grace’, remaining aware of what that means and feels like to give myself ‘grace’ as self support.

After a few days, the backchat attack began to raise doubts because my mind as consciousness was losing controls so it used fear through the words, ‘your body can’t handle this’.  That’s when within me, it was like my physical body as me Stood Up, and I saw how when those thoughts came up my entire physical body became tense and uncomfortable and I became aware of how my bottom lip sought to hold down my upper lip real tight like, so I used that as an awareness, a flag if you will to provide assistance for myself to know it’s time to stop and breathe!  Within that I began to recognize who I am as my physical body within and as ‘Grace’,  and how when I allow myself ‘Grace’ my entire inside relaxes in clarity.

So, it’s been a few weeks now since I began investigating this point and I’m realizing who I am as ‘grace’ is becoming of me more and more – where ‘grace’ is a soft place within where I flow comfortably through and as my entire physical body, and within that a great gift emerged in that within and as ‘Grace’, self-judgments towards myself and others cannot and does not exist.

And so I see an opportunity that’s opened up here for me to see, realize and understand what it means to Life the word ‘Grace’ into and as myself and our entire World System within and as All of Existence.

Therefore, I commit myself to direct myself to move myself with an awareness to change what I’ve been accepting and allowing within my world – through self-forgiveness I let go the paranoia that has been placed as control and created around religion and how living the word ‘grace’ throughout our lives became identified with the idea of a “God watching over us” or a “God who knows best” attitude as another way to justify spirituality and the paranoia around it to the extreme – I further commit myself to take actions that prevent harm to All Living beings, to get to the point of having the ‘Grace’ to consider the common good for All Life through a Living Income Proposal, to ensure All the opportunity of Living Life in accordance to what’s Best for All to become part of the way Life exist on Earth.

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“Politics is the Fascinating Interesting thing that is In Fact Legitimate and Legal as a way to Change the World, simply by Voting or Getting Involved in Creating Political Parties that Actually Present a Constitutional Bill of Rights, Ensuring that All Laws that exist are Aligned to that, Ensuring that All Necessary Preventions that Ensures a Life that is Best for All Happens on Earth – those kind of stuff all Happen through Politics, through Government. And Government is Not ‘Evil,’ Government is the Product of The People. If Governments are ‘Evil’ as so many Paranoids Claim, then They’re Evil because They are the Ones that Created the Government in the first place, they don’t have an Alternative = that’s quite a Problem. One Shouldn’t Judge: You Should Look for Solutions and Alternatives.

As long as You Have No solutions and Alternatives = You are Judging.

If You Have a Solution and Alternative = it’s No Longer a Judgment, it is Then Common Sense Reasoning.” Bernard Poolman

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Investigate

The Living Income Proposal

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“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it was Critical for the Successful Design of Consumerism as Resource Control by the few to get Personal Effort to be SUBJECT to the GRACE of an INVISIBLE GOD to which ALL SUCCESS was ATTRIBUTED, to make sure the Human will ACCEPT Personal Self-Interest as a RIGHT as SINNER to be able to Indulge and Feed Consumerism without feeling Guilty, as a Saviour or Messiah will come or has died for the SINNER that CANNOT Help but being SINFUL by Consuming. In this an INVISIBLE PACT was created between Consumerism and Religion with Consumers FUNDING Religion as a way of Passing for Penance as the 7th Day of Confession and Forgiveness – Creating a Human that Accepts as the Core of the Human: EVIL, that Cannot be Conquered by Self, but only through a Divine force.

 

I commit myself to show that the Human’s acceptance of themselves as inherently Evil can in fact be conquered by Self and does NOT require a Divine Force or Forgiveness from an Imaginary God, but requires the courage to be Self Honest, to dare oneself to care, and to give oneself the gift of Self-Forgiveness.” Bernard Poolman

Day 222: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – One Answer to Cancer – Day 7

I spent much of my day today investigating a number of alternative treatments for cancer and it has been some fascinating research. First as a reminder, any and all applications and/or alternative treatments that I am considering should be individually investigated. I am in No way claiming a cure or a miracle regardless of my preferred method of treatment.
change of a lifetime
I’m simply making a decision to manage my cancer  through a natural and non-toxic approach to assist my physical body to reach a healthy balance.  I mean, I’ve never taken self-responsibility for myself as my physical body because if I had of, I wouldn’t be facing the consequences of the Beast as Breast Cancer.

Even though surgery is eminent, I am not at this point going to commit to chemo and/or radiation. The cancer has spread to one node, but they will have to remove 10, and that’s really not that many.

For this blog, I’m pausing for a moment to share the story of a woman who was 60 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage IV. She was irradiated only twice, had no chemotherapy whatsoever, and she lived for another 27 years.  You can read more about her from her daughter’s blog: My Mother Survived Cancer Without Chemotherapy.  The mother and daughter have kept detailed documentation of their remarkable Journey.

Also in her blog she mentioned Dr Kelly so I’ve been educating myself about his Metabolic Therapy.  Dr. Kelly wrote the book: One Answer to Cancer (download complete book here Free).  It’s been 32 years since it was published, but it’s definitely a common sense perspective about cancer and how to stop it.

Okay, I have much more to share very soon.  Until then,

“Against the advice of leading doctors and scientists across the country, FDA commissioner Dr. Kessler approved the fat substitute ‘Olestra’ for public consumption. Doctors across the country from John Hopkins to Harvard Medical warned against the possible fall-out from introducing this synthetic fat into the American diet for reasons which have been well published in the media, (see Appendix II). Interestingly most of the warning comes from the academic side of the medical science community. Why do you suppose that is? I’ll tell you . . .

I have believed for a long time that the American Medical Complex and the Consumer Food and Beverage Industrial Complex have little interest in the prevention of disease. It makes far better business sense to let the population eat, drink and smoke to their heart’s content and then offer seemingly high tech and expensive methods for cleaning up the aftermath. In the United States, the food industry alone generates 500 billion dollars in sales: Bacon, eggs, milk, fast food franchises, soft drinks, fried food, dead food, overcooked food, sweets, treats and canned goods. We have gotten away from simple diets and become human garbage disposals. Sixty percent of the American public is overweight. Clearly the large food conglomerates are successfully marketing to an oblivious public. After feeding your body with dead and processed foods for 20, 30, 40 or more years, things begin to run less perfectly. We have overlooked the processing energy required to digest bacon and eggs each morning, that steak in the evening and the cocktails in between. The result is the current health crisis where one in three will have cancer in their lifetimes — not to mention heart disease.” ~William D. Kelley

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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Day 221: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – slash-and-burn strategy – Day 6

Alright so my partner and I met with a surgeon to discuss my treatment plan and whether or not the plan involves a lumpectomy or mastectomy. Sitting there listening to the detailed step by step treatment plan being laid out and projected before me, I was very much aware of my urge to RUN, Do Not walk to the nearest exit… This wasn’t personal towards the surgeon, on the contrary. The rhythm of his knowledge and information combined with his experienced hands, caused me to want to jump on the surgery train with him. And, that scared the hell out of me. Within my mind, I saw how I was just searching for a reason to follow this guy, (the surgeon). I tell ya, it was no different an experience as the one I once had at a church revival when I believed I’d been touched by the holy ghost.

I guess shock was what finally broke the energetic spell I was existing within, and it was then that I began to ask questions.

First it’s important that I take a moment to make perfectly clear that every individual cancer case should be treated as that, individual and personal. Thus, there may be some things that I will document for myself, but keep private for the moment.

Whatever treatment I choose will be mine and mine alone. Please do not refer to my experience as being a cure or a healing. It’s important that one consult with their Doctor when choosing and making medical decisions. Investigate and Educate yourself according to your own individual process/situation.

Ok so what do I know about the kind of cancer that I have? It’s Estrogen receptor (ER) positive, meaning this type of breast cancer is sensitive to estrogen. It’s also Progesterone receptor (PR) positive, meaning this type of breast cancer is sensitive to progesterone.  So this is cool because we know what caused it and how to stop it.

Alright then, because of the size and location of the lump, it will make a lumpectomy rather difficult. So basically, the plan is leaning towards a mastectomy. That brings me to the next option, my insurance will pay to have my other breast removed and if I choose that option, then they’ll also pay for reconstructive breast surgery. I was aware of how within me, I was glad to hear about the reconstructive breast surgery, but no matter what, the idea of having my breasts removed, is, well it’s hard to plan for.

Ok so the surgeon also checked my lymph nodes and did a biopsy on one of them. He said he will probably have to remove at least one lymph node, but he doesn’t think the cancer has metastasized/spread. But we’ll know more after the surgery. Either way, he says that because of how fast the lump grew, he suggests after surgery and recovery that I then have approximately 4 months of Chemotherapy, followed by 6 weeks of Radiation Therapy consisting of five days a week as preventative measures.

I continued to ask questions, like, what about the hormone therapy to block the estrogen receptors as a preventative measure? What about that?  Why is it the last step of treatment instead of the first?  Why chemo and radiation therapy as a preventative? It makes sense to me to remove the cancer and begin the hormone blocker therapy.  However,  if the cancer is only found in one area of my body, why abuse my entire physical body with poison and burn it out as a ‘preventative’, so to speak.

“The mainstream medical establishment often prescribes mastectomy, radiation and chemotherapy to treat cancer, an approach that has been described as a ‘slash-and-burn strategy’. The treatment for breast cancer is unfortunately often the general rule among cancer treatment– cut off the affected organ, poison the body with chemotherapy and then harm the body even more with radiation.” ~ Professor Null, Complete Encyclopedia of Natural Healing

breast cancer awareness
As I look at this, I realize it seems easier for the patient to just do what they’re told by the healthcare professionals, because the mind is in such uncharted waters that it finds comfort in accepting the pre-outlined decisions – follow the rules as instructed and don’t question anything. That’s how our world/money systems function as a controlled environment that gives us the illusion of choice.

How strange is it that we support systems that are designed to keep us enslaved and specifically to stop us from taking self-responsibility for ourself?

What other species accepts the kind of abuse, punishment and unspeakable acts of terror to happen within our world as a result of how we’ve designed, accepted and allowed our current Capitalistic Money system to exist, with regards to how Life is lived and experienced as Death?  None.  Only the Human accepts and allows such a slash-and-burn strategy, which is exactly why we require a new money system.

Alright, it’s late, I will stop here.  To be continued.

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“A Few Points about Equal Money Capitalism, just to Wet your Appetite:

– It will Bring an End to All Debt in the World

– Property Ownership will be a Basic Human Right

– Healthcare will be a Basic Human Right

– Happiness will be a Basic Human Right

– Employment will be a Basic Human Right

– Education will be a Basic Human Right

Freedom of Choice will be a Basic Human Right

This is But a Few of the Results of the Law of “Giving as you would like to Receive”, Embodied in Capitalism that is Based On Equal Rights for Every Human Being on Earth.

Every Human Being Claim ‘the Right to Life’, yet there is no Protection of this Right – unless you, in the Current Capitalism, have the Benefit of Money; this Equal Money Capitalism (EMC), will Prevent. What will also be Prevented, is War. As War is Profit-Driven.

It is Time for a New World System. One Based on Prevention, instead of Reaction. One Based on Honouring the Right of Life, Equally for All.

Join the Journey to Life, and Become Part of a Solution.” ~ Bernard Poolman

Day 220: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Culture – Day 5

I just received further results from my recent biopsy. I have the kind of cancer where the receptors within its cells are ER Positive – which means Estrogen is what makes this type of cancer grow. Thus, hormonal therapy made to block the physical body from being able to absorb Estrogen is a common/combined treatment plan.

“If cancer cells have receptors for these hormones, it means that they are at least TRYING to perform the tasks of a normal breast cell. They’re behaving—somewhat.”

When I hung up the phone from talking to my nurse, I noticed how me as my mind ‘felt’, ‘better’. I had to stop myself from repeating over and over within my mind what the nurse said – ‘this is definitely in your favor’...

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad to hear what she said, but that begs me to answer the following questios.

What is my favor? Do I favor this kind of cancer over another kind of cancer? Stop – Don’t Prejudge.

I Commit myself to Breathe and Not pre-judge the information.
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What am I in favor of? Drugs? Hormone Therapy? Supporting Big Pharma?  Earth? Life as all as one as equal?  Hunger? War? Equal Money?  

It’s important to me that I investigate the Culture surrounding breast cancer as well as the mentioning of cures.

Seriously, why do we keep giving Money to Rich folk to find the cures they’ll never approve?

How come we refuse to listen, to understand, that if a cure could be bought we would have already purchased it.

Money/Profit/Greed.  is the only Reason why there is no ‘Approved’ Cure for Cancer.

I mean, I just received my cancer diagnosis a week ago and already, I’m in debt for well over $6000 Dollars.

Like it or not, and I don’t like it, the Culture surrounding Breast Cancer, is a well-oiled machine, just like all the other cultures within our society. They’re here for one purpose and one purpose only, Profit, to feed the fat cats…

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“Given the pink ribbon’s symbolic success, what’s wrong with it? Sulik argues that pink ribbon culture focuses attention on the wrong things and does it in a way that is not really contributing to progress toward preventing and curing cancer. It buries medical controversies, ignores environmental causes of cancer and insurance problems, and does not increase access to treatment for underserved populations.” — Judith Lorber

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“Breast cancer, I can now report, did not make me prettier or stronger, more feminine or spiritual. What it gave me, if you want to call this a “gift,” was a very personal, agonizing encounter with an ideological force in American culture that I had not been aware of before—one that encourages us to deny reality, submit cheerfully to misfortune, and blame only ourselves for our fate.” ― Barbara Ehrenreich, Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America

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“I commit myself to question the integrity of activists, and to remind activists that activism should be about a new world system that is best for all life always, and that any activist that cannot stand for what is best, is in fact only an extension of the system of greed that has failed Life in every way.” Bernard Poolman

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The thing is, I’m beginning to understand how I have ‘sewn’ the oats of this that I’m walking. I have through my participation in negative and positive energetic experiences treated my body no different from the products that I consume daily. And, I made the ultimate sacrifice when I never stopped to consider what the highs and lows of energy demands from my physical body. Instead, I took my physical body for granted and I abused myself as it.

For Context Please Watch:
The Good and Bad Products of the Consciousness/Mind Factory: DAY 342

“And now, we’ve completely split ourselves into good products and bad products. And, you know, the same exist in this physical existence – we’re consuming ourselves – we’re consuming physicality – we’re consuming that which is, in fact, producing, or providing, natural life and living in this physical existence. For what? For products that have been determined by a particular, specific value to, according to that value, establish for ourselves into a certain social or heirarchical class or, a definition, or character, or personality within this life experience, in this world and this reality. Where, for those products to exist, physical reality – this physical existence – is being sacrificed. I mean, it doesn’t make sense – our existence – in any way whatsoever.” Sunette Spies

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I continue to learn through DesteniI Process and DIP Lite and I appreciate the awesome support both provide.  I also want to say how much I also appreciate  the amazing support from my Partner, my Children, my Desteni I Process Buddy, and my fellow Destonians, all of which assist me daily to walk this Journey to Life.

Ok, tomorrow I am scheduled to meet with a surgeon, and so we continue to walk…

Day 219: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Anxiety – Day 4

Today I don’t want to write and I don’t want to talk either. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be around anyone. I’m both restless and quiet inside myself. And, I’m absolutely aware of how I’m existing in my own little world – where within my mind I’m still trying to make sense of myself within the knowledge that I have breast cancer. Even when we went to my oldest daughter’s house to see my grandson’s, Landon and Logan, I was completely aware of when I was reacting within myself to the anxiety I was experiencing. The truth is, I just wanted to be alone. I sat down to blog a couple of times but instead found comfort in cooking and doing laundry.

While I was cooking, I re-heard a couple of interviews from Eqafe which assisted me greatly with what has been sudden bursts of uncontrolled energy/anxiety. For further clarity please hear: Anxiety Support By the Atlanteans (Part 1) – Part 83, and Anxiety Support By the Atlanteans (Part 2) – Part 84

I mean, being able to effectively look at my relationship to anxiety within this point is priceless. So approaching my anxiety from the perspective of taking responsibility for myself as it and directing myself to Not react meant that I must first understand how anxiety moves, which is very fast.

As I investigated, I become aware of myself kind of shrugging my shoulders and then putting my hands up to my face/mouth just moments before the anxiety comes – that’s when an emotion or feeling will like infuse into the anxiety and within seconds, I feel the energy.  It’s then that I notice a particular thought pattern/memory or reaction, which is what validates the energy of the anxiety.  I mean, did you know that it literally takes time to panic?

Here I will be applying self-forgiveness and  self-commitment statements.

Equalitylife260I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the energy experience of anxiety, where I experience a restlessness and an uncomfortability within and as my Physical Body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with anxiety based upon how the energy of it makes me feel nostalgic and sentimental – with a wistful yearning for the happiness I once felt in a former place and time/within a memory, thus, I commit myself to in my voice make anxiety – that part of me – aware that what it’s doing within and as my physical body is not acceptable. and that I no longer accept it to desturb my ability /decision to remain calm and stable breathing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that anxiety is like an energy that is uncontrolled, therefore, I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the relationship I have to anxiety, to thus breathe and remain calm and stable within and as the directive principle of me as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety as I stepped outside, where I went to stand and watch my granddaughter play and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I do not require anxiety as a reaction to prepare me for simply walking outside to watch my granddaughter play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not understand how I developed a relationship to the energy of positive and negative, where through manifested consequences and experiences, I didn’t consider the damage the participation as the energy cause within and as my physical body.

I commit myself to take a breath, to stand with myself, to trust myself within who I am as the words that I speak as I commit myself to trust who I am as my physical body, to trust the process of cleansing as I commit myself to stop the bully in me by giving first that which I’d like to receive.

I commit myself to be here for me, my trust as who I am.

Day 218: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Self-reflection & pink, twisted ribbons – Day 3

Problem:

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. But yet, I do. I see how I’m searching for some commonality within myself where I can specifically relate to the Beast within me as Breast Cancer – that something that will end the separation that I am experiencing within myself towards it – the lump. Who am I now that CANCER has proven itself to be a definite part of my anatomy?

pink

Solution:

The plan is to get to know who I am as my body/mind/physical, to do whatever is necessary to assist myself to face that which I fear the most.   Death… The monster in the dark, the beast in the night. Strange…

I was always scared that something ‘out there’ was gonna kill me but I failed to comprehend that ‘what’s out there’, exist first ‘in here’ – as my imagination, my thoughts, the energy of ups and downs, the feelings, the emotions, the secrets within and as my mind…

I forgive myself for the the inner definition of myself as the monster under the bed / the demon in the closet / the beast in the night /  self-judgment / imagination / the lump / breast cancer and Death and within that, I commit myself to take self-responsibility to change the inner behavior of myself to stop the bully within by Giving first to others that which I’d like to Receive.

“When you treat a disease, first treat the mind.” ~Chen Jen

There are moments when I am reflective, where I look around me and take everything in. Where I can hear and follow what’s being said by 3 adults and 2 year old, all talking at once – and it’s oddly-comforting as I’m recognizing within me to keep it simple you have to breathe.

“What cancer does is, it forces you to focus, to prioritize, and you learn what’s important.” Gilda Radner

 

“You are in this World, because: You Have No Responsibility, No Integrity and because you have Never Cared about Life in the Universe throughout All Time. You are, in a way, in a Prison. A Prison you created for yourself. You’re Not Going to Get out of This one…not here or in the hereafter without facing consequence, taking responsibility for it and changing for oneself and so for all as self.” – Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in fear of exposing the truth of me and within that I commit myself to stop pre-judging myself as I Direct myself to walk in courage the willingness to be self-honest and Stable as I walk this Journey to Life.

“We don’t know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have.” ~Unknown

So, most of us have a clear definition of what it means to be ‘Strong’.  It goes without saying that we all want to be a survivor. But, I’m no more willing to define myself as the strong struggling to survive.  I commit myself to investigate for myself realistically – for instance, how does me having breast cancer support our current world/money system?  Is my participation as a living being supporting Life according to what’s Best for All or am I a committed supporter of Profit/ Consciousness / Money / Enslavement/  Death?

I mean even the NFL is profiting off of Breast Cancer.   Did you know that Breast Cancer Charities, Companies Raise $6 Billion DOLLARS A Year?
pink twisted ribbons
For Context Read:
How big business cashes in on breast cancer: Junk food, Barbie dolls and even power tools are jumping on this month’s pink ribbon bandwagon

Ok, Will continue to investigate and share how Cancer is Big Business. Because seriously, at this rate there is No way a cure will ever be approved. There are far to many Major Corporations who are getting rich from those of us who have cancer.  In order for the rich to exist the poor and the dying must exist.  We can’t have one without the other.   Rich people vs Poor people –  Why in the world is such a thing accepted and allowed?  Because someone somewhere is getting Rich!

Reward:

Imagine.  If Equal Money were in place, our entire experience of Breast Cancer would change to one where the life of every individual is considered – instead of the only motive for care being based on profit – it would be based according to what’s Best for All and that’s where everything changes as Life on Earth.

I Commit myself to take self-responsibility for myself and Stop participating within my mind in positive and negative energetic experiences and in doing so I commit myself to investigate the consequences for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become as them.

Human Rights would be the Recognition that All Life is Equal in Each One. It would be the Recognition that the Environment Determines the Outcome of a Life on Earth. Human Rights would be that Every One Born has a Right to the Resources on Earth as Food, Shelter, Water, Sunshine – the things that are Freely Available on Earth, then must simply be Managed to the Benefit of All. Human Rights Should be that No Political Agenda May Exist that will Interfere or Diminish the Right of Any Single Human on Earth and/or that can Limit the Right to Life of any single human on earth in any way whatsoever.” Bernard Poolman

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Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

Day 217: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – Day 2

For Context Read:

Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Day 211: Processing…

Day 214: Touch it

Day 215: The results show

Day 216: A Means to an end

Here I’m continuing to share my daily experience as I walk  this the 2nd day after hearing the words:  ‘it’s cancer’.

There’s no room for pretending, a part of me wants to crawl in bed and hide under the covers, but there’s nowhere to escape the Beast I’m facing,  the ‘Beast being Breast Cancer’.
processing00  The frightening thing about the Beast is the knowledge of it within my mind.  The fear in realizing myself within a life threatening condition which is surrounding me all the time.

And, I mean, I don’t ‘feel sick’, but I can tell that within my mind, it’s preprogrammed to go into ‘Survival Mode’, which is actually a fear of being sick or rather the avoidance of facing the fact that this may kill me – man,  when the reality of that hits me, the fear sweeps in like a giant force of light and heat seems to engulf me.    For a moment it feels like more than I can bear.

I’ve also noticed some physical symptoms of anxiety that’s been manifesting nausea in the pit of my stomach.  Earlier I experienced myself as mentally exhausted where my eyes became heavy and I pushed through the idea of taking a nap through breathing.  Fortunately my granddaughter assists me by getting my attention to help me to remember to breathe and keep it simple.

I’m sure this is part of the process – the process where my mind is making peace with the shock of the thought, ‘I have cancer’…

A couple of times today, I caught myself wanting to participate in a memory of myself where my whole family was at a birthday party.  It’s a memory of when my mom, my brother and my sister were still alive,  and the memory of it, damn it comforts me.

But I mean every memory provides a sort of comfort especially because the time frame of the memories are of course before 2 days ago – before I heard the words ‘it’s cancer’.   Wow, it’s a hell of a trip….

So basically, my mind wants to freak out and so ‘as my mind I’m attempting to maintain some sense of control’ – searching for a memory to try and make myself believe I’m in control of my world – when all I’m really doing is replacing a negative energy experience of myself with a positive one.

I’ve been able to determine that participating in such – replacing a negative energetic experience with a positive one – creates a multitude of possible consequences within and as our physical body – which creates more anxiety, and I can see this as my physical body will become stiff and unmovable and where I’m not breathing properly…

So yeah, it’s my own grieving process and already I’m seeing my mind attempt to pre-judge my past decision making and my ability to take self-responsibility.  So as was suggested to me by Bernard, I’m not going to allow myself to pre-judge anything.

beast

I remembered something today that I had wrote down that Mykey says in an Eqafe interview which is really a cool perspective:

“Consciusness can only possess you with that which you are Not aware of, that which you have Not taken responsibility for and/or,  with that which you’re not Standing equal to and one with.” Mykey, Demons in the Afterlife

Ok, it’s getting late,  I will continue to investigate how and why my mind as Consciousness wants, above everything else,  safety from the Beast.

 

Artwork by Scott Cook

Designed for the series: Demons in the Afterlife