Tag Archive | welfare

Day 4: Hide and Seek

I have a pattern that I’ve existed as that my partner of almost 21 years has patiently been aware of. It’s how I run, not walk to the rescue of my youngest child, my daughter. The interesting thing is how in my running, I’m actually seeking to validate me as my mind, and in the seeking, I hide deeper within myself within my unconscious and subconscious mind. Then, I’ve used appreciation to validate and fuel the ongoing construct within a pattern that I’ve accepted direction from.

I’m here to through self-forgiveness stop the pattern and begin to re-design myself in self-honesty for/as and equal to all life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t realized the fear and sadness within me because I’ve hidden and forgotten me in my self-interest fueled life of seeking.
I forgive myself that I haven’t realized how I have feared being in the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run to my daughter’s rescue at the first mention of and/or the first sign of her having the slightest problem in her life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rescue my daughter from financial problems even when I couldn’t really afford to because I told myself that it was my responsibility, when in fact I was seeking validation for my own self-interest in validating my ego and enslaving us all further into our abusive current money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from taking responsibility for the atrocities that exist within this world because I’ve enjoyed the chase, the high of looking like the perfect mom by running to the aid of my daughter.

I forgive myself for not being a living example of responsibility for my children and thus when my youngest child struggles with surviving in this world wherein she gets her paycheck and after rent and utility bills are paid the little money left barely buys food so she has nothing left and can’t afford to fuel her car for the following work week so when she calls and tells me I feel guilty for not pushing her more to be responsible because I’m only now grasping what self-responsibility is, so I rescue her by giving her money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see it as my life’s call to swoop in and save my youngest daughter when her car breaks down and she can’t afford to pay for the repairs because she barely makes enough money for rent, utility bills, food and clothes for herself and her baby – instead of allowing her to face her own fears within seeing what she’s accepted and allowed so to be responsible for all that’s here in standing up in support of an Equal Money system so that all suffering ends within our world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the daily struggles my children face in trying to survive within a money system that values profit over life because I willingly accepted and have supported our current capitalistic money system where the rich are rich and famous because and while the poor are struggling, starving and dying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take money for granted when my children were young wherein I spent money frivolously for household items to impress people who came to visit and as such I overextended myself and my partner where we sunk further in debt while still managing to provide an impression to my children that I could afford whatever they desired and in doing so I was teaching them to that it’s ok to live by impulses and consumerism instead of teaching them the dangers to life in how our current money system exists.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the desire, want and need to rescue my children is best defined as the religion of self and is me existing in separation from me – instead of me standing up and facing and directing me in self-honesty.

I forgive myself for feeling bad toward myself for what I see is me existing in the pattern of ‘finding myself wanting’, which is a pattern I have longed feared and judged wherein self is existing in the very essence of self-interest to gratify and satisfy my own wants, needs and desires related to things of this world and further supports myself in separation of all that exist.

When and as I see myself in a position of wanting and desiring to rescue my daughter/children from a situation that was preventable and isn’t life threatening – I stop. I Breathe. I realize I’ve walked this point over and over and have created situations in order to continue fueling my mind as consciousness. Instead I direct myself within common sense. I slow myself down and breathe. I begin by accepting and allowing my daughter/children the opportunity to be self-honest and self-responsible – to see and realize for themselves that life is suppose to be more than just struggling to survive.

I commit myself to begin by stopping in my abusing and using my children as a way to hide from myself within my subconscious and unconscious mind as I stand and face me in self-honesty in pushing through the resistance of facing and forgiving me as my unconscious and subconscious mind.

I commit myself to walking the process of self-forgiveness, breathing and taking responsibility for the creation of and as me as the mind/energy within and as this world system/money in no longer accepting and allowing that which has been created/manifested as consequences of and in separation from myself and all – instead I stand and begin here with me – to change/transform the mind system into a world that is best for all.

I commit myself with patience and kindness to and toward myself as I breathe and support myself to forgive myself and begin to face who I am as my conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind so that I am able to direct myself effectively to support all living beings in bringing forth a world where all life is cherished equally.

Clearing bondage

My step dad phoned the day after my brothers funeral and since I was still recovering from laryngitis Randy answered the phone and talked to him. It was a quick conversation and when Randy hung up the phone I immediately shared with him what back chat had occurred within my mind, and actually, I felt rather ashamed by it. My back chat was: ‘I bet he wishes it was me who just died instead of his son’. As I heard myself say out loud the words of my back chat, it was like I had just spewed out poison and I felt tears swell up within me which I immediately pushed away. I then became aware of how much I wanted to feel sorry for myself but instead I stopped and breathed and then I became aware of myself in anger and I immediately knew this was a point of bondage that I was allowing to exist within myself.

The anger I was a feeling was like something that seemed bound to happen but then there was fear, and the fear seemed to be shielding me from facing the actual point of my anger.

I can see how I’ve always manipulated myself and how I’ve been able to keep my distance from the sore spot, the core point of my anger and this is a huge point of dishonesty within me. It’s how I’ve kept myself bound to the family contract or construct within a sick set of guidelines I’d set myself into to keep myself caged within the consciousness mind of the family system.

When I remember myself as a child, immediately what I notice is a physical feeling within me like there’s a knot centered in the upper area of my chest, right between my rib cage. This makes sense considering the CHEST point represents our love and devotion to our family.

I know that I was suppressed of any expression of self and I remember being really quiet as a child, mostly because I believed that I had reason to fear expressing myself. Though, I see now that that wasn’t completely true. It was more like I learned to be quiet in the face of my own self deception.

As a child, I often felt like I was going to explode as I continued to stuff and suppress feelings of disappointment and frustration and at the time I didn’t know to bring everything back to self. Instead I blamed my parents for how I experienced myself and as such I remained stuck in a false sense of fear and now I see how that fear was really selfish and self interest driven because within it I justified and accepted my own manipulation techniques of self abuse and in accepting self abuse I was abdicating myself from life itself.

The word loathing comes up as a description of how I saw myself within my family life. I resisted my family and always felt uncomfortable and felt as if I was being watched and/or criticized. I felt like I always had to be acting a certain way when I was around my step dad in particular, and if there wasn’t something specifically going on then I wanted to escape into my room and be alone with my thoughts. I felt an odd sense of comfort within an expression of myself within my mind that I realized even then wasn’t real.

The relationship between me and my parents was conflicting and I blamed them for me getting pregnant at 16 and then having to get married because at the time I wanted to get the hell out of what seemed to me like a caged nightmare. I wasn’t abused or neglected and my family was not unlike all families where the sins of the fathers continue generation after generation, and where money is the center of and the root cause in adding to the madness within this world and our experiences that we refer to as living life. Even though I had moments where I claimed abuse the fact is, my childhood was about as normal as any mind consciousness system childhood in middle class America can be. Whether or not I was allowed to express myself to my parents is actually irrelevant, because the fact remains I suppressed myself in anger that I alone am responsible for.

I was angry at myself for not allowing myself to express who I really was and angry that I instead retreated into stories in my mind where I found assurance and where I found someone to understand me and like me for who I was even if I had to imagine the attention up, because at least for a moment I felt better. I was bored often as a kid and I see now how the boredom was really hiding points of suppressed anger.

Truth is, I was actually ashamed of how I hid from myself and my world as a child but I’m only just now realizing that shame. I had no acceptance of myself and I defined myself according to the pictures and stories in my mind and then I would judge the me I would see when I looked in the mirror because the mind picture of me and what I saw when I looked in the mirror didn’t look the same.

The anger that I’ve held onto has been ongoing cycles of a self-belief during experiences of energy wherein I manipulated myself as well as others in order to justify the experience I was seeking to have for myself while trying to avoid facing the consequences of having it.

And the anger towards myself was often very intense and seemingly unforgiving wherein I would not even enjoy the experience I had sought after because I would have back chat and thoughts of self hate and spite towards myself for what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within at the time. All of which were within various personality traits that I’d chosen to become at different stages and during various situations throughout my life.

The time frame of my anger was always influenced during experiences of myself where I felt enormous gilt and is where I would then redirect my anger towards society – in that I manipulated myself into believing that something was done unto me by another separate from myself and within that I shifted blame and projected anger directly onto another instead of realizing that I was allowing myself to be influenced when I didn’t fully understand the depths of my own dishonesty.

The guilt trips of anger were covered nicely infear as inferiority with bouts of pretending to be superior, but even then the anger always re-surfaced. And the point now that I see is that my anger has always only been me being angry with myself and as I continued to suppress anger because I wasn’t being honest with myself within certain areas and within specific points which existed within every relationship I’ve ever had.

I have much to face and walk through in self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. And, I realize more and more how little I know. What I do know for sure is that I can stop accepting and allowing anger as suppression and self denial within me. And, I can stop self abuse. In self-honesty, I am able to redesign and redirect myself free from back chat and repeating the sins of the fathers.

A fact that remains and can no longer be denied is how we now comprehend how to stop cycles of abuse as mind consciousness systems, and we can no longer deny that we are all responsible for how our world currently exists. So. we assist and support ourselves and each other to stop and forgive ourselves and direct ourselves in self-honesty and bring about a world that is life worthy for real and free from abuse.

We’re fortunate in that we have Desteni I Process to assist us in ways we’ve never known till now. And Life here can and will change and we’re going to bring about heaven on earth through an Equal Money System and we will not stop until it is done.

We Welcome anyone who is self-willing to stop abuse within this world to Join us @ Desteni Forum and on the Equal Money website
Stand with us in support of and as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the memories of myself in anger and fear as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to the personalities I believed myself to be beginning from when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to anger toward myself which has kept me within a self belief which has resulted in a gloom and doom feeling of fear and death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bound to a fear of dying the same death and my mother and my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger and fear as a catalyst for accepting a starting point of myself filled with poison within and and as my lungs within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me as my physical body through fear and anger to such a degree that the effects of my own self abuse caused neglect, abuse and separation from my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to propose a future result for me as my physical body through fear and family constructs designed through and as anger and resentment to and towards self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and dislike myself and who I was within my family as a personality design that I believed I had to become as a way of avoiding the anger toward myself for not allowing myself to express and be myself.

I forgive myself for the anger and fear that I accepted and allowed myself to become that I held onto as an ongoing cycle of self-belief and experiences of energetic personalities wherein I justified and manipulated myself to such a degree that I’ve often nearly scared myself to death causing physical disturbances within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear speaking and expressing myself because I feared that people would respond to my words the same way that I have in teh past responded to their words which was untrusting because I didn’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain self-centered and selfish trapped in my own little fearful world where I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t see what is happening in this world because I remained self-centered selfish, angry and fearful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to what only serves me to the point where I hid from myself within my own little world directed by my mind as consciousness instead of stopping, breathing and directing me as my mind in self-honesty according to what’s best for all life.

When and as I see myself existing within the pattern of anger and fear that I am now aware of, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself within the starting point of self-honesty in realizing that the anger and fear is not real and that what is real and matters is that all life is supported in bringing about a world that is best for all. I stand in serving support for and as all life until equality exists here for all and brings forth heaven on earth.

How come we take life for granted?

‎The problem is, we’ve taken life for granted, as if it is suppose to be about work, struggle and survival. Since most of us have lived our perception of ‘seemingly’ surviving it – we ‘perceive’ that everyone must be having the same ‘opportunity’. When in fact, they’re not. It’s taken almost 4 years of research and re-educating myself (in how our current money, education, banking and governmental systems operate, where profit is always valued over life), for me to even begin to comprehend just how serious a situation all life is in.

There is truly not even a shred of opportunity for millions of living beings to even come close to ‘achieving’ what they are most certainly’capable’ of. To insist that there is opportunity for everybody, is simply a lack of education of the one insisting. Because the facts of how people are struggling, barely surviving from paycheck to paycheck and/or homeless and starving to death, is everywhere here to be seen. If one look at how we’ve accumulated ourselves up to now – it’s a mathematical certainty that we’ve not begun to see the worst of what will become of humanity – unless, we begin anew direction, with Equal Money.

When I ask only ‘myself’,’does every physical living being born here have the ‘right’ to food, clothes, clean water, a home, an education and healthcare’? It’s like, not only a ‘right’- it’s common sense, it’s a ‘given’and, is what is required if the physical being whose being born is to continue living. Everything else, is irrelevant, until the gift of Equality is given.

Equal Money will allow everyone to prove ‘for themselves’ just how capable they truly are.

Worth more in death than in life? You hold the key with Equal Money

Recently I was told how since my sister died a couple of months ago, that her 13 year old daughter has begun receiving government assistance through a monthly check. I assumed this was because of my sister being on disability.

I now find out, that no that’s not it, because she hadn’t been ‘approved’ for disability and, like the majority of us, she struggled daily to provide food for herself and her daughter. She had applied for many jobs but wasn’t able to find one and mostly our father was assisting her as often as possible. She was divorced and her daughter was living with her dad because honestly, he was able to better provide for her.

But Wait! Now that she’s dead, her daughter has become eligible for the government assistance, which is approximately 800 US dollars a month, and will until she’s no longer in school.

Sure it’s cool. Though it’s odd isn’t it – that we support a money system that will not support a living parent, until they’re dead. So, according to our current money system, by definition, my sister is able to support her child with life’s necessities better since she’s dead.

Obviously, one only have to look at our world to see that our current money system values money over life. And, why not, because after all, it’s the accepted way of slavery we’ve become accustomed and addicted to. There are so many children starving to death in this world and we’re struggling so much to make ends meet, that we’re not stopping to see how and what we’re supporting. The fact is, our current money system supports murder. And we support the capitalistic bullshit that continues as our current money system – so what are we going to do to stop it?

There is now a way that every child and every living being will be guaranteed the basic necessities, including an education and healthcare – that is with an Equal Money System.

The signs are here and we’re in overtime – stand up – stop supporting a money system that supports life only in death…

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