Tag Archive | uncertainty

Day 286: Calling the Beast by it’s Name – Breast Cancer – The Nature of Worry – Day 40

From the moment I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer I became more familiar than I ever have with regards to the Nature of Worry. As I began the alternative cancer treatments I outlined for myself,  and as I continue with them, I still struggle, because honestly, most days I feel physically ill and physically out of sorts within myself.

worry

Fortunately the physical reactions are lessoning and within that I’m realizing just how strong and capable who I am as my Physical body really is. Our Physical Body is constantly ingesting and processing all the physical and mental input that WE are constantly providing for it.  We just haven’t quite grasped what goes on within our physical body for it to be able to reach a point of proper chemistry and balance.

Nothing and no one works so exquisitely as our Physical body does to provide for us the vessel, the ability to experience and express ourself as life.

Yet, here’s the thing, as I’ve been walking this process of assisting my physical body to heal and correct the damage I’ve imposed upon it from years of living through and as my mind as wants and desires – what’s happened is that I’ve fallen prey to worry through my own acceptance and, my fear of losing my perception of control – the result is that I haven’t applied myself as effective as I know I am capable of – with regards to Stopping my participation in and as my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Mostly this is because I accepted and allowed old patterns of behavior to creep in as I allowed who I am as my mind to not only screw with me, but to direct me, instead of me directing myself as my mind! So, after investigating this point for awhile now while applying self-forgiveness and, through using the tools I’ve learned through Desteni I Process Pro,  I’ve come to see, realize and understand that the underlying point within my acceptance of my behavioral patterns is rooted within and as the nature of worry – specifically with regards to worrying about myself when I have a physical reaction to my therapy – which may last for days and is like an emotional roller coaster where I experience myself as losing control.

The same applies to how every six to nine months I have to send off lab work to keep track of how I’m physically doing, to see if the cancer has spread or is reducing…  What happens is, I allow myself to come and go within a possession of worry, where from the moment I send off my urine / lab test until the moment I receive the results – I secretly worry and wait and hope the results will make me feel like my life is once again in my hands / control.

This then the beginning of the End of me accepting and allowing this construct / pattern to continue within and as me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider how it is the emotional nature of worry is produced in the mind-physical relationship.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how worry is connected to patterns within my mind where I tend to wonder off into my imagination / where I wonder off into and as my mind thinking and looking at different scenerio’s of what if this happens or what if that happens – teetering between positive and negative energjes / mind possessions, specifically with regards to when I have physical reactions and /or when I’m ‘waiting’ on test results to determine if there is any improvement in my condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the fear energy within worry have an effect on me where I stop my awareness of what my physical body is saying to me and instead allow myself to be directed by/as my mind within the nature of worry – where it’s like my heart races and my upper body becomes tight and a tenseness slowly moves within and through my entire physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand another dimension of worry which is that of ‘waiting’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand another dimension of worry which is the fear of losing control, where my mind has backchat / thoughts of: I can’t do anything / oh my God I’m not in control / what if’s and maybe’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a loss of control from the moment I send off my urine / lab test until the moment I receive the results, where I will teeter back and forth in a possession of worry until I get results that make me feel like my life is once again in my hands / control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I’m applying my daily alternative treatment routine, how when and if I begin to experience pain, or a flu like symptom occurs, such as nausea, diarrhea, fever, heavy feeling within my physical body (toxicity), fatigue, etc, where I see myself go almost automatically into an acceptance of worry within myself – in believing that the reaction must mean that the cancer is spreading, and within that for all the waiting moments to ‘feel better’ and for the fear of losing control – instead I see, realize and understand that the metabolic program / treatment I’m walking brings about a readjustment in body chemistry as it heals, and how as my physical body meets the changing situations it responds in surprising ways to the process and to apply common sense instead of worry.

Therefore, I commit myself to when and as I see myself as my physical body having a physical reaction, I Stop, I Breathe, I see, realize and understand how the longer the deficiencies within my physical body have existed the more prevalent the reaction is likely to be as a physiological balance of chemistry and healing takes place within and as my Physical Body.

I commit myself to stop who I am as the nature of worry through a practical physical application of walking real-time self change according my decision to direct myself to stop myself from reacting when I realize my physical body is having a physical reaction to treatment,  as well as walking the same in stopping my participation in and as worry when the moment comes for me to send in for lab testing, etc.

more on this point to come in future posts

 

Day 76: The Worrisome Character

It becomes clearer and clearer to me daily, that the only real terror that exists within this world exists within the mind of the human being. Thus I’ve created through thought participation; The Worrisome Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a worrisome character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how come I see myself as a ‘worrisome’ character instead of a character of worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself as the worrisome character to that of a worm slithering on the floor, lying there quietly watching as life is mauled to death by our world/money system which teaches children to be soldiers and allows other children to starve to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to familiarize myself in/as a worrisome character grieving over whether we as a humanity can ever change that which we fear the most, which is ourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the worrisome character within the realization that we may never stop, that we’ll keep on replacing our integrity as life within the ‘belief’ that there is more that we must have, thus not stopping until we get what we want, not realizing that what we ‘want’ can never be gotten from somewhere out there, because what we are seeking isn’t out there, it is here, within us each one in seeing that we’re All Equal in Life in every way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in and as the worrisome character to fear how, we with our own hands will put our own creations to death because we require food for our physical body, yet we never consider asking permission first from the one being sacrificed for the sins of our own death wish of eating to live.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as the worrisome character to not realize that when I worry I fear, thus I split myself into two separate worlds, within the context of doubt and uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my fear that moves me to the survival mode of my mind in/as the worrisome character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in/as a worrisome character to abandon life itself through competing with others in order to make the most money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and project heartbreak in/as a worrisome character unto my 2 year old granddaughter in fear of what will I say to her when she asks me what happened to our world when she can’t afford to feed and clothe herself – because the reality of this moment is, $100 worth of groceries doesn’t even buy one week supply of food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the worrisome character in asking myself how and what do I tell my grandchildren as to why we as humans fear and compete as we do with each other within an explanation that others won’t mock as being that of a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a worrisome character to anguish in how much hate exists within us as humanity – will we become one massive possession within our minds as consciousness so much so that we’ll bring ourselves to the very brink of our own extinction in order to stop what we are accepting and allowing within and as our current world/money system of/as enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in/as the worrisome character to feel as if I’m carrying the weight of the world in the pit of my stomach, and I see how I’ve been carrying me in the pit of sPITe to/towards others in fear of myself for Not taking self-responsibility and facing me within all of the pain and suffering of existence in/as living life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a worrisome character instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that to exist as such is participating within and as the mind as consciousness which is exactly how and why we are in this mess to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand how important it is to stop the mind as consciousness, thus we stop the consequences self creates within and without and unto existence.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that existing in/as the worrisome character is just another name for being afraid.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that existing in/as the worrisome character is just another self-manipulation technique to keep me forever enslaved in/as our world/money system as a mind consciousness system organic robot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a worrisome character as an excuse to justify why I am to afraid to actually stand up and take self-responsibility for the absolute madness existent in and as our world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in allowing myself in/as the worrisome character, I’m actually allowing me as my mind to manipulate, thus, I will manipulate myself and others within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem myself as a worrisome character to be superior over me – instead of standing up one and equal to/as myself through facing myself in self-honesty, thus supporting a world according to what’s best for All.

I commit myself to stop myself in moments where I become aware that I am participating in/as the worrisome character and direct myself to investigate the source and origin of who I am within the simplicity of this moment of breath.

I commit myself to stop reactions within myself towards how our world exists and to instead in self-honesty face who I am within it all.