Tag Archive | the sum of all fears

Day 214: Touch it

While I was taking my shower this evening I became aware of how much the warmth of the water splashing from the shower head onto my skin and slowly drizzling down every inch of my body became a moment of self awareness. I breathed in as I gently began to touch, to embrace and hold onto myself as my breasts. As I continued I told myself to Touch it and then remembered when Emmeline first began to sound out words and when she touched something new, she would say to me: “Touch it”.
Since even before I found the lump in my breast, I participated in bullying myself through self-judgment. But recently, I’ve been scared to touch my breast because when I feel the touch of the lump within it, it scares the hell out of me. I don’t even want to share this about myself probably because I’m seeing myself through my own eyes as less than. How strange is it to do that to oneself? And why does it take a physically manifested consequence to get me to focus on who I am as breath within and as me as my physical body?

touch it
I forgive myself for the picture presentations within my mind as my imagination where I compare myself and bully myself through self-judgment as ‘less than’ through the eyes of me because my breasts don’t match the image within my mind that I’ve desired myself to look like and within and as that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching my breast because who I am as my mind doesn’t have the knowledge and/or information to process the fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to through self-manipulation have ignored me as my physical breasts because of the relationship I have with my breasts within my mind in how I participate in defining them as less than what I see within my mind as pictures/movies/entertainment/ etc.

This whole finding a lump in my breast thing has been a startling change within my life and within my secret mind, I told myself at first that I was unprepared to face whatever this may be. I was wrong.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for me as my physical body and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject parts of me as my physical body and I commit myself to letting go of and allowing the release of the system as the consequence as that which i have physically manifested as a lump within my breast tissue as me.

For Further Context Read:
Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Day 211: Processing…

Day 209: ‘The Lump’ Sum of ‘What If’s’

Problem:

Recently I found a lump in my right breast and I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m not sure how long it’s been there.  Filling out the paperwork for the mammogram and ultrasound that I had today, I wrote that I was pretty sure I first noticed the lump about 4 months ago. The realization that I’ve been so disconnected from who I am as my physical body – so much so that I didn’t notice the thing sooner, is quite disturbing to me.

When the Doctor who was doing the ultrasound decided that I was going to have to schedule a needle biopsy in order to determine if the lump is cancerous or not, I heard a voice in my head say: “Is this it, is this what’s gonna get me”? At the same time, I became aware of myself experiencing myself in disbelief and almost immediately asked myself “am I slipping into some sort of denial”?
I scheduled the biopsy and slowly walked to my car all the while completely aware of a spiraling feeling within me, followed by moments where I felt absolutely frozen in time. in fear of ‘what if‘? The fear of not knowing left me feeling helpless and me as my mind was reacting, spiraling out-of-control.

I was sure that time slowed down to practically nothing as I continued to walk to my car and when I finally sat behind the wheel, I sat quietly and allowed myself to breathe. That was the moment when I was able to remind myself that fearing the unknown does not serve me in any way whatsoever and I committed myself  to come home and write.

what ifSolution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within shame and embarrassment project into the future my own selfish ego/fears – fear of ‘what if’ I become my own mind perception of what is ugly, ‘what if’ my partner no longer wants me, ‘what if’ I’m seen as ‘less of a woman’ by those who know me if I were to have breast cancer or required treatment or removal of my breast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ignore the lump in my breast, to basically ‘sweep the problem under the rug’ so to speak, because I see, realize and understand that in doing so me as my mind wants to continue working with the knowledge and information that I feel I’m able to control, because my mind doesn’t have an understanding/knowledge or information about how to deal with the possibility of having breast cancer – where my mind attempts to activate memories and associations to try and remain in control which is actually self-interest and self-pity motivated in/as negative and positive energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within such separation from me as my physical body that it took me months to notice an irregular lump within my breast tissue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the thought/image that flashed within my mind of what I might look like if I were to have to have chemo and/or radiation and for the fear of getting ill and dying from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be drawn into my imagination of ‘what if’ where I become a victim of cancer and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see victimization as a way of receiving acknowledgement and attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by energy within ‘the lump sum of what if’s’, ‘what if’ I die and my partner starts a relationship with someone else and ‘what if’ he likes the idea of being able to be with someone new and within that I forgive myself for silently giving myself permission to give up, to not stand stable and responsible for myself and others within my world as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my secret mind have an agenda silent even to myself, where I ignore my participation in/as self-abusive behaviors within and as thoughts, feelings, emotions and energetic experiences, where my actions are motivated only in my concern about how I might experience myself, instead of facing all of me within the patterns of who, how and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as within and as our current abusive world/money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power in deciding to act according to judgment and ego within and as self-loathing pleasures of ‘what if’, wherein doing so I give permission for me as my physical body to take the blame so to speak, the ultimate lump sum payment/sacrifice for/as foolish acts of discretion of and as me as my mind as consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a world/money system where we actually take pride in our daily struggles to survive.

Reward:

I commit myself to let the Fear go, to know that at this point I don’t have all the facts and thus there is actually nothing to fear, thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to remain stable, as stable as possible until the biopsy/results are given to me and only then will I be able to deal with it in relation to the reality thereof – and not through any accumulated reactions projected and/or manifested within me until then.

I commit myself to redefining who I am in relationship with me as my physical body in/as self-intimacy.

I commit myself to STOP Summing the experience of Life as an experience in Fear, thus, when and as I see myself project myself into the future in trying to achieve a reward/experience for myself rooted in self-interest, ego and greed, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself to remain stable as I walk the self-corrective application of redesigning who I am according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for who I am as my mind/physical body relationship and subsequently for the design of our world/money system equally as myself – instead of acting as the Lump sum of all our fears motivated in/as self-interest, ego and greed – to Stand in Complete Support of/as a world/money system that acts Equally in Support of and As All Living Beings.

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When I was writing this blog I recalled when I shaved my head along with many other Destonians. It was a simple way at the time to show my support for a Money System that will ensure that when a child is born, no matter what country they are born to, they will never go without food, clean water, a home, an education, and clean clothes to keep them warm.

But, too bad for humanity,  because We have All fallen victim to a Cancer.  A Cancer we refer to as MONEY.  And admit it or not,  we’ve All at one time or another used Money to manipulate one another into creating our world as it currently exists, with Starvation, Murder and Wars.

We have within us the possibility to change,  beginning with a solution such as the one that LIG proposes.  It’s a living solution that everyone should investigate and seriously consider supporting.

**Update:

After writing this blog, I read todays blog written by Creation’s Journey to Life, thus I had to come back and add the link because it SUMS up the idea of “Shave your Head for a Better World” perfectly.

I invite you to read the entire BlogDay 331: The Cancer Experiment

“The Cancer Experiment was based on a Very Simple Point – we have an Organization around the World that Shaves for Cancer, and in so doing would Promote and Preserve the Pharmaceutical Companies that Profit immensely from the chemicals that they sell for ‘Life threatening diseases’ – making Money, Profiting from Death and getting the populous to Ensure that they can push up the prices by increasing donations through Shaving heads. A similar thing has happened around the Oil Spill with BP – again a Corporation, and where the ‘Goodwill of the People’ was Abused for the purposes of Profit. Interestingly enough: the people don’t Notice that this was the motivation behind their actions, as we have Demonstrated.
We have taken, for instance, Shaving your Head for a World that is Best for All Life – that means the Ultimate Solution for Everyone, which means that Every Cancer patient will get the Best Treatment and it will Cost them Nothing: Life is being Preserved.” Bernard Poolman

Day 153: Fear Me Not

I’m facing some changes in my life and within them have become very aware of how it’s in the smallest details that I face my biggest fear in asking myself, am I willing, and can I stop my fear of change, to thus change myself from the inside out, where the result is me standing for eternity, in support of and for a World according to what’s best for All.  Thus, beginning here with the following self-forgiveness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I fear change I am in fact in fear of me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel outta control at the idea of a sudden change in my life such as the death of a family member or having to move from where I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have utilized the words ‘out of control’ as a definition of self that keeps me stuck within a place of suppression within myself where I have believed that I’m not strong enough to make it if my life were to suddenly dramatically change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate change with losing something and or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change, where I stop the characters and personalities that I’ve become aware of in who and how I play out the desires of my mind, that I will upset and/or lose those closest to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of change to stop me from taking any action at all which would result in me establishing self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate change as something that will cause me mental discomfort and/or physical pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see change as a point of discontent within an image in my mind where I experience a sense of losing my possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the same routine day after day where within my mind the daily routine locks me into continuing the perception of me as my mind as being in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell stories to myself within my mind in order to make myself continue existing in the belief that I fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with my children as a fear reaction when I see that they are about to enforce a change within their lives that I see will affect mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created a protection and defense mechanism within my mind against change in that when change comes up within my mind, I see how I relate who I am toward people and my environment within a definition of myself that appears to be a safe place of knowing who I am, yet is in fact not so because within me as my mind I exist in reference to and relate myself to that someone and/or my environment remaining the same in order for me to know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if who I am is dependent upon another person and/or my environment to stay a certain way for me to know who I am, then who I have believed myself to be is not and has never been real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to fear change is to fear embracing who I am as life within and as my physical body and my physical reality, outside of and free from the direction of and as my mind.

When and as I see myself begin to fear what I see is going to result in a change within my world, I stop, I breathe.  Instead I direct myself to see, realize and understand that when change in self is required where self-honesty is applied within a principle according to what’s best for all, there is nothing to fear thus, I commit myself to stop going into an automated state of fear and to realize that life is in awareness of self as breath in every moment.

I commit myself to walk in and as the redefinition of self as the words ‘out of control’, where  I direct myself to be in control in determining who I am in self-honesty,  wherein I am stopping who I’ve been as my mind as consciousness because I see, realize and understand that it is I who decides who I am in control of me as my physical body as one who is strong and consistent in bringing forth a world according to what’s best for all.

I commit myself to show that who I am within and as change is to have a clear awareness of myself and my world in being able to assess in common sense what is best for all within any given moment and as such to realize the importance of supporting an Equal Money system as a means of supporting all life according to what’s best for all.