Tag Archive | step dad

Day 162: Blast from the Past

Today I received a phone call from a friend from my past that I haven’t spoken to in just over 5 years. The first thing I noticed when we started talking was an awkward silence and the realization that the connection we used to have between us, was simply not there.

However, our mind uses memory to compensate for those moments of awkwardness and it wasn’t long before the manipulation tactics began and I became aware of the familiarity in how our minds were seeking to rekindle those old feelings we once believed were so special between us. In a flash of a moment I was reminded of the direction that I had once chosen as I accepted and allowed my mind to guide me in the direction that would best benefit the self-interest of us both. I sat there looking within myself and realized that here was a peculiar moment I was fortunate to be witness to.

In one sense, the future as my past with the friend and me appeared the same as it had always been and yet, the fact of the matter was, something was entirely different, changed. It was then that I breathed in the relief that it was me who had moved from that particular space and time and was walking in a completely different direction.

I was surely grateful for the moment.  And, I am grateful for the Life Skills I’ve learned and applied through Desteni I Process, because that is how I’ve been able to assist myself to decide who I am within this moment, and for the clarity of my choice in the direction I am walking – to not settle for anything less than the decision I stand by and as, to walk my life according to what’s best for all.

LOL,, was interesting, how the phone call just sort of ended, with barely even a good bye.

Above Artwork by Lindsay Craver

Day 147: I Can Do This

For Context Read: 

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

Day 146: Family Unfair

I commit myself to when and as I see myself begin to go into shut down inside myself, where in that moment I realize within my mind that I have no control over who, what or how my step dad is with regards to what and how he believes/exists as, I stop, I breathe. I commit myself to stop who I become in fear to/towards him as I slow myself down and remind myself of what I know in that, I see, realize and understand that our world requires direction as it cannot and will not be able to continue as it is with the multitude of abuse and suffering that is increasing daily. Thus, I realize that we can longer deny the ignorance of sitting in silence believing in a hero or a God to fix the mess that we’re All responsible for, nor can we deny that money is the weapon we use against each other which keeps us enslaved and imprisoned within our mind of/as hate, greed, competition, war and spite, because as that, we are manifesting our own demise, therefore, I commit myself to standing up as one voice and one vote for an Equal Money system, because with Equal Money, I know for sure that the systems of this world will be redesigned according to what’s best for all, and within that, the proper nourishment for our physical bodies and our physical reality will receive the direction that is greatly required to create Heaven on Earth. Thus, I commit myself to stop who I am as reactions and fear when speaking to my step dad and instead,  I commit myself to walking the self-correction of who I am in self-honesty until I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I commit myself to stop who I’ve become as the sins of the fathers, and mothers, to thus stop existing as a parent with fear which influence and stifles the child where the child will live a life of more fear, to instead apply what I see is common sense in who I am in self-honesty.

I commit myself to realizing that directing myself to speak without reactions and to speak in a stable manner will take practice because I see, realize and understand that I have never known any other way of living, therefore I commit myself to breathing and remaining patient with myself in continuing to write, apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to ensure that I leave no room for excuses to not commit myself to practice changing.

Day 146: Family Unfair

For Context Read: 

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

Investigating myself further after having heard: Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 3 from Eqafe – which I highly recommend hearing the entire ongoing series of – I’ve realized how, in regards to who I become around my step dad, is much more than just the ‘character of defeat’. When in fact it’s multiple different personalities and characters that I take on and become through and as fear.  Thus, as I take on the points I will be continuing here with self-forgiveness and statements of self-commitment.

Self-forgiveness
Fear Dimension cont.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mind utilize fear as control where within my mind physical reality I manipulated myself in believing that I was treated unfair, rejected within my family, how when I realized that I cannot control who my step dad is in relationship to how I want him to ‘feel’ and ‘act’ towards me, then within and as my mind I become fearful, thus, I utilize anger, negativity, comparison and or justifications as the ways and means that I accept and allow myself to further manipulate myself where I remain in fear of and thus submit myself to self-abuse according to how and what he lives as and believes in, thus, I exist the same in which I remain stuck within the point, which I see, realize and understand isn’t real, yet in fear of not being what I perceive he wants me to be, I never actually walk the point of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain preconditioned and preprogrammed through fear according to my mind perception of losing control.

Thought and Imagination Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought as an image/picture to automatically come up within my conscious mind of/as me when I was a child, in how as I was sitting and looking out my bedroom window, I would accept and allow one thought/image/picture to come forth from within me automatically over and over within a desire to be ‘the special one’ of my step dad’s children, and how I defined my relationship to myself according to how I used that single thought/image/picture to make myself feel special and loved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed one thought/image/picture to completely become me where I completely ignored who I am as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind imagine that I am walking tall through my house feeling comfortable and stable when in reality I was physically curled up like a ball in my bed in feelings of loneliness.

I forgive myself for not realizing how I accepted and allowed myself to through fear utilize hope in seeing/believing that my step dad was a God in the sense that I idolized the idea of him while I blamed him for every fear I held within me when in fact he was not to blame for it was only me that I have always feared facing.

Backchat and Reaction Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I held myself in polarity within my mind physical body in spite as backchat towards my step dad of: “he’s so mean” yet within me I secretly desired to be the single point of his affection because I believed that receiving that would somehow validate me as a daughter.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I manifested experiences of myself as feeling ashamed of myself through repeating negative and/or positive thought patterns over and over within and as my mind in how I told myself that I shouldn’t ‘feel’ rejected when I didn’t receive his attention and then ‘feeling’ over stimulated when I did, and within that not realizing that for every positive outcome there will be a negative, thus always existing in polarity.

PHYSICAL Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure in the upper to middle area of my back when I resist and suppress voicing me in self-honesty, where within the perception of and as who I am as my quantum mind, I fear loss of control, thus physically feel as if I’m sitting in a pressure cooker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my face and ears to become flushed with heat within the discharge of a massive amount of energy due to inner conflict/friction that has through time built up through and as a personality that I accept and allow myself to be and become in fear of standing in self-honesty in the face of my step dad.

CONSEQUENCE Dimension
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of accepting and allowing myself to not stand in self-honesty where I then feel guilt and condemnation towards myself because I realize how I allowed fear in abdicating myself from life as myself, thus continuing to support our abusive world/money systems.

to be continued

Day 145: Too Close for Comfort

For context Please read: Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Fear Dimension/Self-Defeat – Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a variety of spectators/characters/personalities, as if I’ve been living on the outside of myself in fear of looking in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I comfort who I am as my mind through certain experiences like when I’m talking with my step dad and using memories as emotional and feeling ‘conversational pieces’ similar to how we feel when we eat certain things which we refer to as ‘comfort food’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in fear of who I am within a perception of love as a safety net within and as my mind where I am bound by and live as an imprinted version of/as the mind of my parents which I have accepted myself to be since the moment I was born as that which I believed I needed, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing who I really am within what I have allowed because I accepted the belief that I was to weak and emotionally too close for comfort to face and stop who I am as an imprinted illusion of myself of/as those who have gone before me, thus, for my entire life experience I have grown dependent upon energetic memories and/or experiences of myself which create a false sense of comfort as emotions and feelings – which I see, realize and understand in self-honesty, is how me as my mind doesn’t want to give up the illusion, thus how the famiLIE construct assures that I will never take self-responsibility for how, who and what I have accepted and allowed in how our world exists and how within the illusion of/as memories/characters and personalities of and as my mind I continue to support a world/money system which supports the abuse we together as a humanity manifest/create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the role that money plays in relation to what I will accept and allow and behave as within the dynamics of the family relationship/construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships to exploit who I am within and as money and how  I use money to distract myself from my relationship to myself and the rest of humanity and our physical world/reality/existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use money as the core point in how I manipulate myself and others in my attempt to behave and experience myself as happy and in control when always money is the underlying lie motivating an illusion of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death so much so that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed a separate illusion named ‘God’ to comfort me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships to exploit who I am within and as a religious belief which I’ve used it to distract myself from my relationship to myself and the rest of humanity and our physical world/reality/existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to a man to fulfill in me that which I believed I had to have as CONfidence in order to understand who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve become dependent upon the one idea that I believed would pull me through and give me ‘the strength to carry on when nothing else would’, which was to have and be received by/through the ‘love of a father’.

 

to be continued…

Day 144: Hardened Soft Spot

Every couple of months or so I talk on the phone to my stepdad and every time the conversation is over, I realize how once again I’ve not walked through in self-corrective application a repeating pattern of my mind which I allow myself to be directed as and become. Interestingly enough, I became aware of myself as a character of/as my mind that I applied self-forgiveness for in my last blog: Day 143: I will not Lie Down in Defeat.

There are various dimensions of the role as the ‘character of defeat’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become, thus,  I commit myself to walk the dimensions through in/as self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to Stop who I become as a ‘character of defeat’.

My stepdad is the man who raised me, and is the only living member left of what was my immediate family for most of my life, and, that is a tie that binds. So, today, when I realized I was stepping into the role of/as a ‘character of defeat’, I stopped and remained silently aware of myself breathing, and I realized some important points.

For instance, I saw how me as my mind finds it comforting to talk to him. That’s surprising, but yet, it’s not really, because when him and I talk on the phone, we still talk to each other as if my mom and my brother and sister were on the line with us.

Much if not all of our conversation is woven between mutual memories of our long time/lost family members.

One of the things that we talked about toward the end of the conversation was how hard it is to believe that it’s been a year since my sister died. He said how he had talked to my sisters 14 year old daughter, and how she was upset by the ‘one year anniversary’ of her mom’s passing. He then began to share with me how he was able to comfort her by reminding her that if she’ll just keep herself in church and close to God, then someday, she’ll get to see her mom again. He said how, her hearing him share that, was what made her ‘feel’ better.

That was a crucifying point for me because nothing about that makes sense to me anymore, and, I certainly don’t ‘feel’ better for having heard it.  I see, realize and understand how if something makes us ‘feel better’, we can be sure it is of our mind as consciousness and that it’s a lie that has always been one.  It was at that point that all comfort left me as my physical body, and thankfully, I immediately began to have pain in my upper back – which was a point of support for/as me as my physical body, to assure that I am here breathing and paying attention to what I’m accepting and allowing. Yet, I could say nothing. The only thing about myself that I trusted in that moment was breathing.

I saw how in and as the ‘character of defeat’ I am evil and I am fearful. I feared standing up for what I know and directing myself in self-honesty. I feared upsetting and ultimately pissing off and losing the father/man/relationship that I’ve become dependent upon in keeping together a family construct within patterns and characters/personalities of and as my mind. Thus, I will be continuing in my next blog with further self-forgiveness for the role I play as a ‘character of defeat’ within the family construct.

Forgiving Living for a Fathers Love

fathersloveSharing here further self-forgiveness that I wrote after I completed a recent mind-construct in SRA…I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the love of a father when it really wouldn’t have mattered who my father was because it only mattered who I thought and dreamed he was according to the enormous protective and often mythic man my mind offered as ideas of who and how a father should be and become toward their daughter according to the influence of my mind and the thoughts of others ideas of what it meant to experience self as being loved and adored by a father. I stop. I stand here within and as assistance from myself as my physical body breathing and I direct myself as my mind according to and as the Principle of Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the child gazing upon her father as he left for work wherein I thought only my daddy could look like that as I sat in amazement at how he looked all handsome with his pressed shirt and collar and I believed I truly loved him as much as he believed he truly loved his dollar according to the fear of survival imposed upon us all as humanity according to what we have accepted and allowed to exist within and as our current money system. I stop. I stand in self-honesty and support of an Equal Money System which will remove the fear of survival within our world and will begin to allow self-expression as who we really are to emerge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for the touch and closeness from a father whom I barely knew except in the deepest parts of me lost within my mind where no matter how hard I tried and cried he couldn’t or wouldn’t hear me as I believed with all my heart that I loved him while I fought feelings of rejection through emotional fears as if my heart was being ripped apart while I hoped for and dreamt and wondered what it would feel like to experience the daily affection from a father who would walk and hold hands with me according to the pictures I held within my mind where I longed to be held and hugged and told how beautiful and special I was just like one would see in a goddamn movie. I Stop, I realise this is a pattern of self-abuse and I see that it leads me in circles of self-denial. Instead I stand here according to a principle that considers all life Equally in all ways as I stand in support of an Equal Money System and World Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook the root cause of discontent amongst myself and my parents according to the family construct existent here as mind consciousness systems wherein the starting point of fear of survival is compounded and accepted and allowed through our current money system which exists as abuse to and towards all living beings and wherein I defined and distracted myself according to the nature of enslavement because I believed I knew what love is – when love has only ever existed as consciousness enslavement according to and as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotional whims directed as the mind and lived in the physical as outbursts of reactions within energetic outflows. I stop self-abuse. I stand in support of an Equal Money System so that All living beings may thrive Living a Life according to and as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist according to and as the expectation and direction of and as my mind within an idea of how a father is suppose to treat their daughter according to and as my own manifested consequences wherein I was influenced according to and as my father behaved to and towards me as he reflected back to me what I was projecting onto him as who and how I was existing in victimization as I accepted and allowed the direction of and as my mind within a self imposed pattern of self-defeat and self-manipulation wherein I  accepted and allowed myself to be and became inferior and in fear of men. I stop. I breathe, remaining in awareness of all of us as All as One as Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others in my family through my words, deeds and actions so as to not have to face the defects I believed about myself wherein I become angry and spiteful and participated within and as my mind of back chat thoughts toward my step dad as I continued to depend upon his actions and attention in order for me to perceive myself as feeling whole and complete all the while I projected blame through an implication game wherein I saw my step dad as the reason and cause for how I experienced myself within my world. I stop. I stand here in self-honesty as I face myself and my fears of what I have accepted and allowed – I stop self-abuse. I support all life according to and as The Principle of Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto to my reactions of and as hurt feelings of betrayal within the interpretation that my father couldn’t or wouldn’t see past his ideas – when I was in fact doing the same thing. I couldn’t and/or wouldn’t see beyond his mind construct/behavior – not seeing where he was coming from wherein I did not take Equality into consideration as I too was stuck in my own mind construct/behavior, thus us both stuck according to the mind consciousness systems. I stop. I breathe. I direct myself here according to the Equality Equation as all Life here as I Stand in support of an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become the definition of helplessness wherein I have depended on a man to provide and care for me and only felt safe in my world according to when I have the love of a man because of  my judgment of self wherein I reflected self back to self and created my experience of myself according to my own self-judgment within self-victimization as I attempted to manipulate and control my step dad according to a belief within my mind where I believed that my step dad was the most aggressive and dislocated dad in the world which further fueled the energy charging the self-abusive pattern I was existing as in order to validate myself, which was really validating myself as insufficient and/or incapable of becoming self responsible, thus believing and accepting that I had to have a man in my life in order to provide for me so that I could survive. I stop fear of survival. I stop the need for a savior. I stand here breathing as I support myself in self-honesty and direct myself as my mind through and as the assistance as me as my physical body and I stand in support of an Equal Money System – The Solution – stopping fear of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I was missing something when my friends spoke of their time with their fathers and so I dreamt of what that time would be like to where I trapped myself in my own version of a timed reality within and as my mind as I existed in polarity within and as my physical reality according to and as self-denial in which I was living as a self-definition according to the experiences I’d heard others speak of therefore losing myself to that which is real here within and as my physical body within and as this world according to the direction of my mind under the influence of and as a mind consciousness system. I stop. I support all living beings as I stand in support of an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the never ending seeking and searching for approval for love from my father and/or others as a way of not taking self-responsibility for myself in how my participation within and as my thoughts and my emotional feelings are/were assisting in creating suffering within and as our world as I continued to blame my step dad my whole life as I existed within guilt and fear of self, seeking attention within an illusion of comfort and safety wherein I would not have to face myself in self-honesty and take self responsibility for myself and/or others existing here within and as this world who are existing in and as pain and suffering. I stop. I breathe. I stand in support of an Equal Money System according to and as the Principle of Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for what I perceived he could/couldn’t and/or wouldn’t give/offer me as I didn’t realize that self-honesty comes from within self and within my perceptional search for self acceptance outside of myself I was only ever searching for myself within self-honesty. I stop. I begin here as I stand in support of an Equal Money System and World Equality – To End Abuse – To Support All Living Beings according to and as The Principle of Equality.

Support All Life – Support an Equal Money System

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